Discussion in 'Kenbo's Chat Room' started by Kevin, Jun 6, 2012.
Skeleton goes into a bar.
Bartender: "Whattya have?"
Skeleton: A beer. And a mop.
3 65 yr olds were golfing and they were discussing the ones 30 yr old very sexy wife. The one guy said how did you get such a young gal to marry an old fart like you. He smiled and said " that was easy I told her I was 85"
From my buddies 6 year old ;
Why did the chocolate chip cookie go to the doctor ?
He was feeling crumby.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Celine Dion walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face"?
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep
"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks
down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole
and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his
face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a
railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in,
it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a
sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the
wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them,
running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air
and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?
You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy
and just jumped into this hole!
Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was
chained to a railroad tie.
A Nun heading out to visit a shut in ran out of gas, being only a block from a gas station she walked back for a few gallons of gas. The station attendant tells her their loner container is out and will be back in about an hour. She decides to go back to her car and see if anything in the car will work to put a little gas in. When she arrives at the car she remembers that she has a bed pan in the back seat so she returns to the station and puts gas in the bed pan and takes it back to her car. While she's putting the gas in her car two atheist drive by and one said to the other hold on a minute I want to see if that car cranks because if it does I'm becoming a catholic today.
The Energizer bunny got arrested last night. He was charged with battery.
Proudly showing off his new apartment to some friends late one night, a drunk leads his way to his bedroom where there's a big brass gong.
"Whats with the gong?" one of the friends asks.
"That's no gong," the drunk replies. "Its a talking clock."
"How does it work?" the friend asks.
"Watch," the drunk says. He picks up a hammer, pounds the gong as loudly as he can and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "You *******, it's 10 past four in the morning!"
A blind guy came to a bar and ask if he can tell a Blond Joke. The bartender said : Well, I'm blond, the two grils beside you are blond and they are martial expert. the two girls behind you are blond and they are just out of jail. Do you still want to tell your joke ?
The blind guy : Well, If I have to explain it 5 times, never mind.
A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the $%[email protected] out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."
A baby seal walks into a club...
Those catch-and-release fisherman on TV don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make the fish late for something.
"Where the hell you been?"
"Sorry, I got caught."
"Liar. Let me see the inside of your lips."
Old guy walks into the doctor's office, says, "Give it to me straight, Doc!"
Doc says, "I've got bad news, you have cancer and Alzheimer's disease..."
Guy says, "That is bad news, but at least I don't have cancer".
A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde,"I'm sorry. Your ticket isn't for first class. Could you please move to your seat." The blonde replied,"Im blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." The attendant said,"That's fine miss, but you'll have to go to your seat." The blonde responded again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
This conversation continued, always with the blonde's same response. The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about the blonde. The captain went and whispered something in the blonde's ear and the blonde immeadiately got up and went to her seat in coach.
The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move. He said, "I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York."
Hey all of you I am loving this thread. There are a couple of them that have me in tears. BUT we have to very careful the political ones can offend some people. PLEASE let's BE VERY VERY CAREFUL. I DO NOT want to have to start being a referee. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do you get when you cross a masochist with an amnesia victim?
Beats me, I forget.
What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an astronomer and a dyslexic.
A guy who sits around staring into the sky and wonders if there really is a dog.
Mike I liked your post because I don't want the politics either. And I am blond for real (though it's gotten grayish/brownish lately), but I did not see any political jokes.