A Joke a Day Keeps The Boredom Away . . .

Mike Hill

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Finally found a town that knows how to honor me! I try not to use my super powers to collect more wood than anyone else!
metropolis.jpg
 

bluedot

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While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cottonwool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
 

phinds

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From a collect of smart-ass remarks by pilots and/or ground controllers. Some of the better ones.

Tower: TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees to a heading of 120 degrees
Pilot: Hey tower, we're at 30,000 feet. How much noise can we MAKE up here?
Tower: Well, do you know how much noise a 747 makes when it collides with a 737?

Pilot: (one of many, waiting for takeoff) I'm $#^*@#% bored
Tower: Last pilot to transmit, identify yourself immediately !
Pilot: I said I'm $#^*@#% bored, not $#^*@#% stupid.

After a DC-10 came in fast and made a long stop almost to the end of the runway:
Tower: American 751, make a hard right at the end of the runway if you are able. If you are not, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the light, and return to the airport.
 

phinds

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This is from sometime in the1990's as I recall. At that time, Quantas had the best safety record of any airline and very rigorous maintenance crews. These crews took their jobs very seriously but didn't always take the paperwork seriously. These are actual pilot (P) incident reports and maintenance crew (M) responses (in writing). I found this list so hilarious that I went to the trouble of typing it into a text file from the magazine it was in. I just ran across the file.

Enjoy:

P: Something loose in cockpit.
M:Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing
M: After brief search, engine found on right wing.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.
 

Mr. Peet

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And the Italians would say it looks like a Polish lady, and the Poles would say it looks like a Russian lady and ...

Maybe, but from my experience, it does not match the Poles or Russians I have "dealt" with but does match the many Sicilian ladies...
 

vegas urban lumber

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You'll have to explain that a bit to me. Dredging, as in waterways, starts at the top (bottom of water, top of soil) and works down, so I assume you mean it in another way.
just joking about starting at the very bottom, but technically i miffed that quip, you are correct
 
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