# A Joke a Day Keeps The Boredom Away . . .



## Kevin

Skeleton goes into a bar.

Bartender: "Whattya have?"

Skeleton: A beer. And a mop.

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## Mike1950

3 65 yr olds were golfing and they were discussing the ones 30 yr old very sexy wife. The one guy said how did you get such a young gal to marry an old fart like you. He smiled and said " that was easy I told her I was 85"

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 4


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## LoneStar

From my buddies 6 year old ;
Why did the chocolate chip cookie go to the doctor ?
He was feeling crumby.

Reactions: Funny 1 | +Karma 1


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## ripjack13

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 14


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## Kenbo

Celine Dion walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face"?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## EricJS

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep 
hole. 
"Wow...that looks deep." 

"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." 

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise. 

"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks 
down there. Those should make a noise." 

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole 
and wait... and wait. Nothing. 

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his 
face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a 
railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, 
it's GOTTA make some noise." 

The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a 
sound comes from the hole. 

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the 
wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, 
running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air 
and into the hole. 

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... 
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. 

Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here? 

You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy 
and just jumped into this hole! 

Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was 
chained to a railroad tie.

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## drycreek

A Nun heading out to visit a shut in ran out of gas, being only a block from a gas station she walked back for a few gallons of gas. The station attendant tells her their loner container is out and will be back in about an hour. She decides to go back to her car and see if anything in the car will work to put a little gas in. When she arrives at the car she remembers that she has a bed pan in the back seat so she returns to the station and puts gas in the bed pan and takes it back to her car. While she's putting the gas in her car two atheist drive by and one said to the other hold on a minute I want to see if that car cranks because if it does I'm becoming a catholic today.


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## Kevin

The Energizer bunny got arrested last night. He was charged with battery.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

Proudly showing off his new apartment to some friends late one night, a drunk leads his way to his bedroom where there's a big brass gong.
"Whats with the gong?" one of the friends asks.
"That's no gong," the drunk replies. "Its a talking clock."
"How does it work?" the friend asks.
"Watch," the drunk says. He picks up a hammer, pounds the gong as loudly as he can and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "You *******, it's 10 past four in the morning!"

Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13

A blind guy came to a bar and ask if he can tell a Blond Joke. The bartender said : Well, I'm blond, the two grils beside you are blond and they are martial expert. the two girls behind you are blond and they are just out of jail. Do you still want to tell your joke ?

The blind guy : Well, If I have to explain it 5 times, never mind.

----------------------------------------------------------

A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the $%[email protected] out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Spa City Woodworks

A baby seal walks into a club...

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

Spa City Woodworks said:


> A baby seal walks into a club...




Oohh....ouchie.

Reactions: +Karma 1 | Useful 1


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## Kevin

Those catch-and-release fisherman on TV don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make the fish late for something. 

"Where the hell you been?"

"Sorry, I got caught."

"Liar. Let me see the inside of your lips."

:fish:

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## txpaulie

Old guy walks into the doctor's office, says, "Give it to me straight, Doc!"

Doc says, "I've got bad news, you have cancer and Alzheimer's disease..."

Guy says, "That is bad news, but at least I don't have cancer".


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## ripjack13

A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde,"I'm sorry. Your ticket isn't for first class. Could you please move to your seat." The blonde replied,"Im blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." The attendant said,"That's fine miss, but you'll have to go to your seat." The blonde responded again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
This conversation continued, always with the blonde's same response. The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about the blonde. The captain went and whispered something in the blonde's ear and the blonde immeadiately got up and went to her seat in coach.

The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move. He said, "I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York."

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike1950

Hey all of you I am loving this thread. There are a couple of them that have me in tears. BUT we have to very careful the political ones can offend some people. PLEASE let's BE VERY VERY CAREFUL. I DO NOT want to have to start being a referee. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reactions: Like 2


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## ripjack13

rightie o.....

Reactions: Like 1


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## chippin-in

What do you get when you cross a masochist with an amnesia victim?

Beats me, I forget.

What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an astronomer and a dyslexic.

A guy who sits around staring into the sky and wonders if there really is a dog.

Robert


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> Hey all of you I am loving this thread. There are a couple of them that have me in tears. BUT we have to very careful the political ones can offend some people. PLEASE let's BE VERY VERY CAREFUL. I DO NOT want to have to start being a referee. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Mike I liked your post because I don't want the politics either. And I am blond for real (though it's gotten grayish/brownish lately), but I did not see any political jokes. 


:i_dunno:

Reactions: +Karma 1 | Sincere 1


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## Mike1950

That is cause the person that posted it took it off before you could see it- that is how responsible heads up group we have here. I am leaving my post and will leave this one also to keep this thread safe......... I will fess up, if you want to see why I said what I said I did copy it...................


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> That is cause the person that posted it took it off before you could see it- that is how responsible heads up group we have here. I am leaving my post and will leave this one also to keep this thread safe......... I will fess up, if you want to see why I said what I said I did copy it...................



Ah okay. Mike do you know anything about Joan Rivers?


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> Joe Rebuild said:
> 
> 
> 
> Why couldn't the blond go skiing?
> 
> She cant find a lake on a slope :rofl2::rofl2::rofl2:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I resent that on many levels. I *am* a natural blond but I am a man, how come no one ever makes jokes about me? I have never found a lake on a slope either I just don't see what's funny about that.
> 
> :blond:
Click to expand...


AAaaaa you might want to talk to your father about this..............................


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## chippin-in

While at the end of a duck hunt in Louisiana, a hunter gets stopped by the game warden. The warden asks him how he did and the hunter replied he did well, and showed him several ducks.

The warden grabs one of the ducks, sticks his finger in the ducks butt and says “this here is a Texas duck. You got a Texas hunting license?” The hunter says I sure do and shows him.

The warden grabs another duck and “checks” this one the same way and says “this here is an Arkansas duck. You got an Arkansas license?” The hunter replied yes and showed him.

The warden grabs a third duck, sticks his finger in the ducks butt and says “this here is a Mississippi duck. You got a Mississippi hunting license?” He replied he did and showed him.

Upset the warden asked “Where are you from?”

The hunter pulled down his pants, bent over with his butt facing the warden and said “You tell me!!!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A deputy in an un-named county in Texas stopped a car with two guys in it. He approached the drivers door and knocked on the window. The driver rolled down his window and the deputy struck him upside his head with his flashlight WHACK!!! The guy asked “what was that for?” The deputy said “that’s for not having window down when I got up here.

The deputy asked for his drivers license. The man got his license out and handed it to the deputy. The deputy WHACKED him on the head again. The man asked what that was for. He said for not having your license ready for me.

The deputy walked back to his patrol car, wrote the ticket and returned to the driver giving him his citation. The deputy told the driver to hold on for a minute. The deputy then walked to the passenger side and knocked on the window. The passenger rolled down his window and WHACK!! Upside his head. The passenger asked “WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!!!” the deputy replied “I’m just granting your wish” Dumbfounded the passenger asked “what wish?” The deputy said “for when you get about a quarter mile down the road and say “I wish that SOB woulda hit me like that”.

Robert

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodtickgreg

OMG seriously! LMAO literaly, sitting on the couch all by myself and laughing so hard I'm crying and cant stop laughing! The snow cone! BWA HA HA! Oh geeze the best one yet, I'm dyin.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Twig Man

What do eskimoes get from sitting on the ice to long?

POLAROIDS:rotflmao3:

Reactions: Like 1


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## Kevin

Twig Man said:


> What do eskimoes get from sitting on the ice to long?
> 
> POLAROIDS:rotflmao3:



One-liners are my favorite. 

:rofl2:


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## ripjack13

Mike1950 said:


> That is cause the person that posted it took it off before you could see it- that is how responsible heads up group we have here. I am leaving my post and will leave this one also to keep this thread safe......... I will fess up, if you want to see why I said what I said I did copy it...................



That would be me. I'm the guilty one there. I forgot about the politics no no's. 
Mike was kind enough to remind me before I got into hot water. Sorry for the confusion guys.....and girls...


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## DKMD

Southern Home Security System installation:

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......

Bubba,
Me and Marcel, Donnie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and
beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got
the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer
took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I
locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kevin

So I was sitting in traffic this morning and . . . . . . . . . I got run over.



Sorry.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## jimmythewoodworker

Kevin said:


> So I was sitting in traffic this morning and . . . . . . . . . I got run over.
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry.



Who ever had the idea to start this thread anyhow?

:rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3:


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## Kevin

jimmythewoodworker said:


> Who ever had the idea to start this thread anyhow?



Okay okay give me another chance. 

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon: 

_''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'' _ 



Dangit good jokes are just hard to come by. One more try:

As a doctor I often get woken up at all hours. Once I got a call at 3:30 in the morning and a familiar hysterical voice says he thinks his wife’s appendix has ruptured. So I said in my calmest voice -

_“I took out your wife’s appendix last year. Have you ever heard of a second appendix?!” _

To which he immediately shot back _”Have you ever heard of a second wife?!”_


Okay then just forget it then! 


:teethlaugh:


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## kweinert

Kevin said:


> A three-legged dog walks into a saloon:
> 
> _''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'' _



That one just struck me as funny. Guess that would be why I wear a t-shirt that says:

*A pun at maturity is fully groan*


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## Kevin

kweinert said:


> *A pun at maturity is fully groan*



I once entered my local paper's pun contest. I sent in ten different puns hoping at least one would win but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

:dunno:

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Twig Man

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an 
Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite 
side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious 
state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to 
both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. 
The Marine reported, I was heavily armed and moving north along the 
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw 
each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled 
to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got 
what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, 
good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said 
that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited 
lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!. 
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a 
truck hit us.


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## Kevin

This is actually one of my favorite jokes. That they end up shaking hands, there's something so very real about that. It has happened on battlefields in so many bizarre ways that's why I love this joke.

In WWII a ragtag band of US brothers met with another ragtag band of German brothers on the field of battle ("brothers" as in "Band of Brothers"), but by a series of wonderful and weird happenings, they spent that night celebrating Christmas together in a old dilapidated rural building (Poland? cannot remember) instead of killing each other. I believe I read about this in Reader's Digest some years ago. The next morning they all shook hands and went about the profitable banking business called war, of killing each other. Almost always for asinine and contrived/false flag reasons. 99.99% of the time but that's another rant. I think they all agreed not to kill each other if they ever met again but it's been a long time since I read it, and maybe that's just how I want to remember it. 

During what some know as the "Civil War" which I like to call _The Unlawful Banking Terrorist Elite Against Lawful Southern Secession_ there are also many similar stories. This joke rips apart the mirage that people of different cultures automatically hate each other. Individuals choose to hate. Cultures and nations are taught to hate in government schools from day one, we just don't see it like that because our minds are so "owned". 

The fact is cultural & geographical differences are what drives the engines of commerce and trade. Those handful that pull the strings want to "regulate" that commerce in order to profit from it by doing nothing more that passing laws and controlling us through laws and more importantly currency. This is how they can get filthy rich by doing nothing but enslaving us via our henchman/apparatchik, whom we vote in time after time, like automatons. 

Okay I think I got carried away. I can feel the Sword of Mike coming down on my neck . . . . . . 

Anyway great joke John. If Mike comes around asking where I am tell him I had to go get a tooth pulled or something.


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## Kenbo

Kevin said:


> This is actually one of my favorite jokes. That they end up shaking hands, there's something so very real about that. It has happened on battlefields in so many bizarre ways that's why I love this joke.
> 
> In WWII a ragtag band of US brothers met with another ragtag band of German brothers on the field of battle ("brothers" as in "Band of Brothers"), but by a series of wonderful and weird happenings, they spent that night celebrating Christmas together in a old dilapidated rural building (Poland? cannot remember) instead of killing each other. I believe I read about this in Reader's Digest some years ago. The next morning they all shook hands and went about the profitable banking business called war, of killing each other. Almost always for asinine and contrived/false flag reasons. 99.99% of the time but that's another rant. I think they all agreed not to kill each other if they ever met again but it's been a long time since I read it, and maybe that's just how I want to remember it.
> 
> During what some know as the "Civil War" which I like to call _The Unlawful Banking Terrorist Elite Against Lawful Southern Secession_ there are also many similar stories. This joke rips apart the mirage that people of different cultures automatically hate each other. Individuals choose to hate. Cultures and nations are taught to hate in government schools from day one, we just don't see it like that because our minds are so "owned".
> 
> The fact is cultural & geographical differences are what drives the engines of commerce and trade. Those handful that pull the strings want to "regulate" that commerce in order to profit from it by doing nothing more that passing laws and controlling us through laws and more importantly currency. This is how they can get filthy rich by doing nothing but enslaving us via our henchman/apparatchik, whom we vote in time after time, like automatons.
> 
> Okay I think I got carried away. I can feel the Sword of Mike coming down on my neck . . . . . .
> 
> Anyway great joke John. If Mike comes around asking where I am tell him I had to go get a tooth pulled or something.




For now, I'm gonna let this rant slide but only because it hasn't started a major political debate as of yet. :naughty:
:rotflmao3:


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## Kevin

Kenbo said:


> For now, I'm gonna let this rant slide but only because it hasn't started a major political debate as of yet. :naughty:
> :rotflmao3:



Oh my! The guy the room is named for makes an appearance. Three cheers all!!! 



:lolol:

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950

Thanks Kenbo- We are getting very close to the nasty ol buzzard putting his censor sword on again. Twigman I loved joke- we gotta refrain from usin political names especially the rest of this year. We can offend without even knowing it. Lets have more blond jokes- my blond wife loves them. 
Kevin- back to the corner and reread the rules...............................:fit::fit::fit::fit::fit:


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## DKMD

Kenbo said:


> For now, I'm gonna let this rant slide but only because it hasn't started a major political debate as of yet. :naughty:
> :rotflmao3:



Does this mean I can get Kevin in big trouble if I post something responding to his post?:hornets:


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## Mike1950

KEVIN is always in trouble-but to answer your question- it will make it to where I have to or Kenbo eliminate all your posts that reference his Rant. I am used to this though we have been taking care of 10, 8 and 2 1/2 yr old grankids- and they are wearing me out. I think they are better at following the rules though...............


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## CodyS

got this one a while ago hahahahaha


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## CodyS

got this one a while ago hahahahaha


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## Mike1950

I thought since we were adding political statements I would add one of my own- If you can guess where this one is I will add 1 REP to whomever tells me first "The expression of your social/political leanings however is wholly off limits. Anyone who does this will get a warning; someone who warrants chronic warnings will eventually trigger more serious action from the staff"


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## Mike1950

WE HAVE a winner- sure would be nice if certain  folks would maybe reread those. I did not think it would be a very hard contest and it was not.............:rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3:


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> WE HAVE a winner- sure would be nice if certain  folks would maybe reread those. I did not think it would be a very hard contest and it was not.............:rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3:




Who on earth could you be referring to? 
:dunno::dunno::dunno:

Joking aside I really didn't think I made a political rant at all, it's history pure and simple. A historical rant then. But I do agree it could go bonkers if not nipped in the bud so I should've known better. 


But alas, that's why I picked you guys to police me, because as history proves power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. And so if I did not have you guys to keep me from being a jerk, if someone said _"Hey Kev you're all sideways on that opinion"_ I might say _"Take a hike you jerk you're banned. Bye bye." ._ 

But that's obviously not how I want to run this forum because it would be lonely with just 3 members or something.  So thanks guys for keeping me in line. Even though I disagree with you I surely defer to your collective judgments and applaud your willingness to cuff me upside the head when you think it's needed.


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## Mike1950

We all need reminders- at least that is what Kathie tells me all the time.:dash2::dash2::dash2::dash2: Now I realize some of us even need definitions!!!  I know I know back to my cave.:irishjig::irishjig::irishjig:


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## Kenbo

Alrighty then. Now that everyone is back to their neutral corners......how about some more jokes?


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## Kevin

Kenbo said:


> Alrighty then. Now that everyone is back to their neutral corners......how about some more jokes?



So give us one you comedian. Everyone knows Canadians are known for their Humor.


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## davidgiul

??


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## ripjack13

Mrs. Green lived in two story house together with an elderly widow. After not hearing from her for a few days, she got a bit nervous. “John”, she called to her son “do me a favor and go find out how ole Mrs. Robinson is.” So six year old John went down the stairs and knocked on Mrs. Robinson’s door. “So how is she?” asked Mrs. Green when John came back up. “How is she?” repeated John “I’ve never seen her so mad in my life, she said it’s none of your darn business how old she is.”

Reactions: +Karma 1


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## ripjack13

Barry and Hannah, an old married couple, are sitting on the couch watching TV. On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death etc. “Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to put an end to it.” “No problem hun,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.


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## ripjack13

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


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## woodtickgreg

davidgiul said:


> In WWII a ragtag band of US brothers met with another ragtag band of German brothers on the field of battle ("brothers" as in "Band of Brothers"), but by a series of wonderful and weird happenings, they spent that night celebrating Christmas together in a old dilapidated rural building (Poland? cannot remember) instead of killing each other.


That would be either France or Belgium. The US fought the Germans on the Western Front (from the perspective of Germany) and the Russians fought the Germans on the Eastern Front (Poland). Sorry, I couldn't resist.
[/quote]
Where's my dislike button? Is it right next to the ban button Oh wait...I don't have one of those:sad: MIIIIIKE!


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## ripjack13

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around at Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is a beautiful 27 year old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, very voluptuous, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Kevin

This one works better in voice. Listen to the word not read it and you'll get it. 

Navajo Joe goes to see the doc and says . . . . 

_"Gee doc, one day I feel like a wigwam, next day I feel like a tepee. What's the deal?"_

_"Simple Joe. You're two tense."_


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## ripjack13

Kevin said:


> This one works better in voice. Listen to the word not read it and you'll get it.
> 
> Navajo Joe goes to see the doc and says . . . .
> 
> _"Gee doc, one day I feel like a wigwam, next day I feel like a tepee. What's the deal?"_
> 
> _"Simple Joe. You're two tense."_



Ha! I actually told that joke today to my Doctor! 
LOL


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## jimmythewoodworker

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... Just one more time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could.........'At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough. I have to get up in the morning.... You don't.'

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## woodtickgreg

Church Ladies With typewriters.



They're back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:




--------------------------
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.


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## Kevin

woodtickgreg said:


> ...
> For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs....
> --------------------------
> Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
> --------------------------...
> This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin....
> The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.



:rofl2::rofl2:
:rofl2:
:rofl2::rofl2:


:irishjig::irishjig::irishjig:


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## Jim_Rogers

A facebook friend sent me this one:

"I received this in an e-mail and had to share. So funny! After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came in for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on about neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable; an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this? "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Reactions: Like 1


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## Kevin

Jim_Rogers said:


> A facebook friend sent me this one:
> 
> "I received this in an e-mail and had to share. So funny! After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came in for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on about neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable; an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this? "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."



:rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3:


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## ripjack13

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
After he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

Three ropes walk into a bar . . . .





.


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## kweinert

Kevin said:


> Three ropes walk into a bar . . . .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .



Ah, a swingers joke.


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## Kevin

kweinert said:


> Kevin said:
> 
> 
> 
> Three ropes walk into a bar . . . .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ah, a swingers joke.
Click to expand...


:teethlaugh:

I thought someone else might know it and we could all tell it a little at a time. 


So one of the ropes says to the bartender "Give us each a beer." . . . . . . . .


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## Jim_Rogers

Afraid not.....


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## kweinert

Kevin said:


> kweinert said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Kevin said:
> 
> 
> 
> Three ropes walk into a bar . . . .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ah, a swingers joke.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> :teethlaugh:
> 
> I thought someone else might know it and we could all tell it a little at a time.
> 
> 
> So one of the ropes says to the bartender "Give us each a beer." . . . . . . . .
Click to expand...


Unfortunately, all I can recall is the punch line - once you added the 'beer' part how it ends came back to me. I could punish you all by just giving the last line but I won't. :)

Reactions: Creative 1


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## Kevin

Jim_Rogers said:


> Afraid not.....


 Yes that's it, but we got to tell the joke first Jimmy! 

So the bartender says

"We don't serve ropes in here. Now get on out of here"

Next day the ropes are really thirsty for some ale so they tie a knot at their waist section and untwine the tops of their selves a few inches to try and make themselvels look like humans with hair and put on some sunglasses. 

The ropes walk into the bar again

"Bartender give us each a mug of brew."

Barteneder eyes them suspciously then says

"Heyyyyy wait just a minute. Aren't you that rope that came in yesterday?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."


It works better in audio. And if a timberframer doesn't tell the punch line first.


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## Jim_Rogers

Did you hear the one about the guy in the bar bragging about his dog being the meanest fighting dog that ever lived?


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## woodtickgreg

Jim_Rogers said:


> Did you hear the one about the guy in the bar bragging about his dog being the meanest fighting dog that ever lived?


Ok I'll bite....Nooooo...?


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## Jim_Rogers

So, the bartender says he has a dog out back that never has been beaten.

The customer brings his dog around back. 

And the two dogs go at it.

The customer's dog is this big black dog and he's jumping around the other dog that is just standing there, very still.

The bartenders dog is a yellow dog.

The black dog bites the yellow dog on one leg. then another leg, then another. on and on. but the yellow dog doesn't move.

After a few minutes of this the yellow dog opens his mouth and snap the black dog is dead.......

The customer was very upset.

The bartender said, "I told you my dog have never been beaten"......

The customer says: "what kind of dog is that anyhow.....?"

The bartender says: "well before I painted him yellow and cut off his tail he used to be an alligator....."

 


pretty bad eh?


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## Kevin

Yeah that one is pretty bad Jim but I tell such bad jokes so I am indebted to you. 

:lolol:


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## karjoe

Another one where you need to read it out loud:

There are these two hillbillies, Willie & Clarence, who live on opposite sides of a river. They hated each other, always yelling & cussing at each other across the river, but since neither could swim, that's as far as it went for years.

Then, the state finally comes along and builds a bridge across the river. When it was finally finished, Willie says to his wife "Honey, I've hated that Clarence for years, and now's my chance. I'm goin' across the bridge & I'm gonna beat him real bad". So his wife says "OK, honey, but you be back by dinner".

so Willie leaves, but not two minutes later he's back, looking white as a ghost. So his wife asks "Honey, what happened?"

Willie says "Well, I walked through the fields all the way to the bridge, and when I got there, there was this sign on the bridge that said "CAUTION: Clearence 8' 4"". He sure didn't look that big from across the river!!!"


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## karjoe

OK, sit back, relax, this is a long one:

There's this old couple, Olga & Boris, out for a walk in their Moscow neighborhood, when Olga stops, sniffs the air, holds out her hand to check, and then declares "Boris, it's snowing". Boris stops as well, checks, and says "No, dear, it's raining". She's sceptical, but they resume walking.

A few minutes later, Olga stops again, checks the sky, and again declares "it's snowing". And again, Boris claims "it's raining".

They move on, but again, Olga stops, and this time declares "Boris, it's definately snowing!" Boris, not really wanting to get into an arguement, spots someone coming in the opposite direction, toward them. He says "Here comes Comrade Rudolph. He is a member of the Party, surely he can tell us which it is". So, they agree to stop him and ask. Rudolph checks the sky, looks around, puts is hand out & checks it, and finally declares "It's raining".

Satisfied, Boris & his wife move on. But after a few minutes, she again turns to her husband and claims "It's snowing". To which Boris replies:

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear."


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## Mike1950

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other!!!!!


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## Kevin

Ladies, I do not know, am not acquainted with, have never met, nor do I have a clue who the member is that goes by the name Mike1950. I am currently investigating this matter.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> Ladies, I do not know, am not acquainted with, have never met, nor do I have a clue who the member is that goes by the name Mike1950. I am currently investigating this matter.



Just call me lumpy-Man that stick hurts.:dash2::dash2::dash2:


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## ripjack13

Mike1950 said:


> Kevin said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ladies, I do not know, am not acquainted with, have never met, nor do I have a clue who the member is that goes by the name Mike1950. I am currently investigating this matter.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Just call me lumpy-Man that stick hurts.:dash2::dash2::dash2:
Click to expand...


Which one of the 4 ladies beat you? Hopefully it was one who has to clean and has a job, that way the beating didn't last long cuz she's too busy...;)


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## LoneStar

Build a man a fire, and he is warm for a day...... Set a man on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## firemedic

I just read through this thread for the first time and I got to say I laughed pretty hard, great stuff. Here's some more Cajun humor:

Thibodeaux da Fisherman.

Thibodeaux was stopped by da game warden in South Louisiana recently with two ice chests full of fish leavin’ a bayou well known for it's fishin’. 

The game warden axe Thibodeaux, "Do you have a license to catch dose fish?" Thibodeaux replied "Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish." 

"Pet fish?" Axe da game warden. Thibodeaux said "Ya, avery night I take dese here fish down to da bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home." Da game warden replied. "Dat's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do dat!" Thibodeaux looked at him for a moment and den said, "It's da truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works." "Okay, I've GOT to see dis!" Said da game warden. 

Thibodeaux poured da fish into da bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to Thibodeaux and said,
"Well?" "Well, what?" Said Thibodeaux. "When are you going to call dem back?" Replied da game warden. "Call who back?" Said Thibodeaux. "The FISH!" Said da game warden. Thibodeaux replied, "What fish?"

:lolol:


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## Mike1950

Not really a joke but funny none the less. Joe's ticket got me thinking of it.
MONTANA STATE TROOPER
In most of the U.S. there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3 AM one very cold morning Mont. state trooper Allan Nixon #658 reponded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside of Great Falls, Mt. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty bottle of vodka next to him on the seat. The driver awakened when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the lights and the trooper standing next to his car , the man panicked. He jerked the gear shift lever into drive and hit the gas. The cars speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totaly freaked, thinking the trooper was auctualy keeping up with him. This goes on for about thirty seconds, then the trooper YELLED. "PULL OVER"
The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from N.D. was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the trooper in Mont. who could run 50 MPH.
Who says troopers do not have a sense of humor????

Reactions: Funny 1


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## shadetree_1

Mike1950 said:


> Not really a joke but funny none the less. Joe's ticket got me thinking of it.
> MONTANA STATE TROOPER
> In most of the U.S. there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3 AM one very cold morning Mont. state trooper Allan Nixon #658 reponded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside of Great Falls, Mt. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty bottle of vodka next to him on the seat. The driver awakened when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the lights and the trooper standing next to his car , the man panicked. He jerked the gear shift lever into drive and hit the gas. The cars speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totaly freaked, thinking the trooper was auctualy keeping up with him. This goes on for about thirty seconds, then the trooper YELLED. "PULL OVER"
> The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from N.D. was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the trooper in Mont. who could run 50 MPH.
> Who says troopers do not have a sense of humor????



Now that was a good one !!!!!!!!!!!


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## Mandolin

Two old ladies met up at Walmart. The 1st lady asked, "How have you been? I havn't seen you in a while." "I'm fine," the 2nd lady said, "Except my husband died last week." "What happened?" the 1st lady cried. "Well, it was getting towards supper time, so he walked out to the garden to pull up some carrots and had a massive heart attack." The 1st lady asked "What did you do?" "What could I do," the 2nd lady replied, "I opened a can of english peas."


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## Mike Jones

Down around North East Texas, an old cowboy with a big ten-gallon hat walks into a bar and orders a beer. When the bartender returns with the beer, he notices that the cowboy has taken off the hat, and there is a big ol' green bullfrog sitting right on top of his ol' bald head! Bartender says, "Dang!...I thought I had seen it all in here.....how do you explain this?"
.
.
.
.
.
And the frog says,........."Well, It all started with a pimple on my ass!"


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## hardtwist

Mike Jones said:


> Down around North East Texas, an old cowboy with a big ten-gallon hat walks into a bar and orders a beer. When the bartender returns with the beer, he notices that the cowboy has taken off the hat, and there is a big ol' green bullfrog sitting right on top of his ol' bald head! Bartender says, "Dang!...I thought I had seen it all in here.....how do you explain this?"
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> And the frog says,........."Well, It all started with a pimple on my ass!"




I always wondered, and now we know
.
.
.
.
Where Texans come from :rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3:


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## Kevin

I wondered how long it'd be before someone started the Texas jokes. That's why Oklahoma jokes exists, to take the heat off of us Texans.

Why hasn't Texas fallen into the Gulf of Mexico?

Because Oklahoma sucks.


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## Kenbo

I heard that the television series CSI was going to start a show in the southern states but it was a failure because all the DNA was the same. 







I might be in trouble for that one.


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## Kenbo

Kenbo said:



> I heard that the television series CSI was going to start a show in the southern states but it was a failure because all the DNA was the same.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I might be in trouble for that one.




Oh, wait a second. I might not be in trouble. I just realized where I am and I'm in pretty tight with the moderator here.


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## firemedic

Kenbo said:


> I heard that the television series CSI was going to start a show in the southern states but it was a failure because all the DNA was the same.
> 
> I might be in trouble for that one.



Man, you wrong for that! hahaha funny as hell though! :lolol:


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## davduckman2010

:irishjig: why do all the trees in ohio lean to the east ---- becuase michigan blows and pittsburg sucks :rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3: duck well for that matter so does my browns :cray::cray::cray: go buckeyes!!!!!


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## Kevin

Traveling salesman's car became stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in the midwest. Took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house. Frozen half to death he finally reached the front door and knocked. Grizzled old farmer answered and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night. 

_"Sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk but I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them farmer's daughter's jokes."_

_"Oh!'"_ said the shivering salesman. Then thinking a moment he said, _'Just how far is it to the next farm house?'_

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike1950

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says,

“Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is – why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blond replies…..”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”


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## firemedic

Tehehehe


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## Kenbo

CANADIAN GRAFFITI

[attachment=12832]


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## firemedic

Kenbo said:


> CANADIAN GRAFFITI



Hahaha


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## firemedic

...


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## EricJS

What did the fish say when he hit the brick wall?





















Dam.


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## Kevin

www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQakarNenHQ


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## firemedic

Nuff said


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## Kevin

[attachment=13409]


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## Kenbo

whadda ya mean part time?!?!?!?! I'm an "all or nothing" kind of guy.
:teethlaugh::teethlaugh::teethlaugh:


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## firemedic

Haha, you're a a good sport Kenbo.


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## Kenbo

firemedic said:


> Haha, you're a a good sport Kenbo.



Life is very short Tom.............too short to take things too seriously and definitely too short to not have a little funnin' along the way.


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## Kenbo




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## firemedic

Kenbo said:


> Video Link: youtube



hahahaha

I think that's the same dentist I go to!


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## hardtwist

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in
Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Read his letter below...

~Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.

It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.

It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.

It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't bat guana for two days because my ass was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodtickgreg

:rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3:


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## Kevin

That was a bad day for sure.


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## DKMD

Deep, man, deep...

http://www.doheth.co.uk/funny/ponder


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## ripjack13

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."


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## Mike1950

First Christmas Joke 





Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' 

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. 

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' 

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. 

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. 

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' 


The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.' 

And So The Christmas Season 
Begins....


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> First Christmas Joke
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
> 
> 'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
> 
> The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
> 
> 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
> 
> The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
> 
> Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
> 
> The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
> 
> St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
> 
> 
> The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
> 
> And So The Christmas Season
> Begins....




:rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3:


----------



## Kevin

A cop makes a stop and finds an elderly lady behind the wheel. As she's pulling her license from her wallet he's surprised to see a CCL next to her license (since she is at least in her mid 80s). So he asks if she has a weapon in her possession at this time.

_"Yes. I have a .357 Magnum in my glove box."_

He asks if she has any other firearms. 

_"Yes. I also have a 10mm Glock in my center console."_

_"Ooooookay ma'am, do you have any other weapons in your vehicle? "_

_"Yes. I do have one more. I have a Lady Smith in my purse right here."
_

Scratching his head, the cop asks: 

_"Ma'am, what are you so afraid of?" _

She looked him right in the eye and said, 

_"Not a damn thing sonny boy."._


----------



## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> A cop makes a stop and finds an elderly lady behind the wheel. As she's pulling her license from her wallet he's surprised to see a CCL next to her license (since she is at least in her mid 80s). So he asks if she has a weapon in her possession at this time.
> 
> _"Yes. I have a .357 Magnum in my glove box."_
> 
> He asks if she has any other firearms.
> 
> _"Yes. I also have a 10mm Glock in my center console."_
> 
> _"Ooooookay ma'am, do you have any other weapons in your vehicle? "_
> 
> _"Yes. I do have one more. I have a Lady Smith in my purse right here."
> _
> 
> Scratching his head, the cop asks:
> 
> _"Ma'am, what are you so afraid of?" _
> 
> She looked him right in the eye and said,
> 
> _"Not a damn thing sonny boy."._



:rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3:


----------



## Spa City Woodworks

A man walks into the doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor looks at him and says "Can I help you"? 

The duck replies, "yea doc, can you get this guy off my a$$"?


----------



## wombat

The politcally incorrect "Beyonce"

So what do you if you make slingshots and you have a piece of timber called Blackbutt, which is actually quite a nice Aussie hard wood? 

You make one with a 'cheeky' palm swell!! :) If I remember correctly I gave it a little walnut stain.

[attachment=14182]

[attachment=14181]

Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## Mike1950

> Nothing going right......... 
> 
> 
> A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. 
> 
> 
> "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears. 
> 
> 
> "Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying." 
> 
> 
> "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy. 
> 
> " I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me. 
> 
> 
> "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all . 
> 
> 
> I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then someone like you shows up and ruins the whole thing!" 
> 
> 
> 
> Live well, laugh often, love much.


----------



## Kevin




----------



## AXEMAN58

When I picked my daughter up on her first day of kindergarten and asked her if she learned anything, she said:


Hey,,,what do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

I don't know

Nope,,, El-if-I-know


----------



## Dusty

An old lumberjack sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the lumberjack and asked, "Are you a real lumberjack?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life felling trees, fixing
chainsaws, going to logging rodeos, driving skidsteers, bucking logs, clearing brush,
building logging roads, driving logging trucks, fixing flats, working on tractors,
and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a lumberjack."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I
shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I
even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me
think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old
lumberjack and asked, "Are you a real lumberjack?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a
lesbian."


----------



## hobbit-hut

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"


----------



## Brink

"50 shades of Gray" is coming to an off Broadway theater. I'm glad they sordid out the details and didn't get tied up in court.


----------



## Kevin

If I had told that y'all would've flogged me.  Yeah flagged me - that too.


----------



## Mike Jones

Got a giggle this AM.....too funny!

http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/


----------



## Mike Mills

I bought a wooden Whistle.... But it wooden whistle

Then I bought a Steel Whistle.... But it Steel Wooden Whistle

Then I bought a Tin Whistle..... Now I Tin Whistle.


----------



## Kenbo

According to statistics, one out of 5 people are Asian. There are 5 people in my family. I'm not Asian, so it is either Jackie, John, Peter or Pho Duk Choy. I'm pretty sure it's John.


----------



## Kevin

According to statistics, 89% of data are incorrect. The other 17% are just plain made up. 

:wacko2:


----------



## Kenbo

Kevin said:


> According to statistics, 89% of data are incorrect. The other 17% are just plain made up.
> 
> :wacko2:



Wow, that's a lot of data. 106% worth.


----------



## Mike Mills




----------



## Mandolin

A ol' boy from Arkansas called 911 and told the operator that his wife had just died. "Where do you live?" she asked. "On Eucalyptus Street," he replied. "Can you spell that, please?" she asked. He thought for a few seconds, "Hmmm, what if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"


----------



## Kevin

Confucius say . . . . 

Duck who fly upside-down soon have crack up. 

Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

Man who jump off cliff, jump too soon to conclusion. 

Man who run behind bus get exhausted.

Man who run in front of bus get tired. 

War not determine who is right; war determine who is left.

To circumcise whale, must send down four skin divers.

Bomb that explode in dairy, make for udder destruction.

Shotgun wedding is wife or death situation.

Okay to let a fool kiss you, but never let a kiss fool you. 

When you argue with a fool , he is doing same thing. 

Enough joke telling UPS just brought the humidifier. . . . . . . .


----------



## woodtickgreg

And, he who fart in church, sit in pew.


----------



## Kenbo

He who stands on a toilet is high on pot.


----------



## Mike1950

THE ITALIAN MAN OF THE HOUSE

The Italian MAN of His House. With his Italian wife!

Anthony had just finished reading a new book entitled,

You Can Be THE MAN of Your House.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, we're going upstairs

And we'll have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You'll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His Sicilian wife Nancy replied,

"The funeral director would be my first guess".


----------



## Kevin

When I try that my Italian wife says _"Okay whichever one of us is the tallest gets to make the rules."  

"So what are my chores today, dear."_


----------



## Mike1950

Hold it :dash2::dash2::dash2::dash2: Kathie told me the shortest one gets to make the rules and keep the money. :fit::fit::fit::fit: somthin fishy here.................


----------



## Brink

Hope this isn't offensive.


----------



## firemedic

Lol, not offended, the only thing that offended me today (or this year) were those pictures of "art" you txt'd me today!


----------



## jimmyjames

Heres a joke..... whats red and smells like blue paint??


----------



## Kevin

jimmyjames said:


> Heres a joke..... whats red and smells like blue paint??



Ooh an interactive joke I'll bite. 


Red paint?


----------



## jimmyjames

Kevin said:


> jimmyjames said:
> 
> 
> 
> Heres a joke..... whats red and smells like blue paint??
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ooh an interactive joke I'll bite.
> 
> 
> Red paint?
Click to expand...


Dang you got it on the first shot!!! :dash2::dash2::dash2:


----------



## Kevin

jimmyjames said:


> Kevin said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> jimmyjames said:
> 
> 
> 
> Heres a joke..... whats red and smells like blue paint??
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ooh an interactive joke I'll bite.
> 
> 
> Red paint?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Dang you got it on the first shot!!! :dash2::dash2::dash2:
Click to expand...


Knock knock.


----------



## jimmyjames

Dare i say........... whos there?


----------



## Kevin

jimmyjames said:


> Dare i say........... whos there?



Jimi Hendrix . . .


----------



## Kevin

Joe Rebuild said:


> Kevin said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> jimmyjames said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dare i say........... whos there?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Jimi Hendrix . . .
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Jimi hendrx who?
Click to expand...


The question is not asked of you, that's who.


----------



## Brink




----------



## Mandolin

Did ya'll hear about the Arkansas Governors mansion burning down last night? Yep, purty near took out the whole trailer park.


----------



## Kevin

I also heard the governor and the first lady got dee-vorced. That brought up a legal question though that the Arkansas Supreme Court is currently wrestling with. Since divorce means they are no longer man and wife does this mean they are no longer brother and sister also?


----------



## shadetree_1

Mike1950 said:


> Hold it :dash2::dash2::dash2::dash2: Kathie told me the shortest one gets to make the rules and keep the money. :fit::fit::fit::fit: somthin fishy here.................



I found out 37 years ago than Kathie is indeed correct, Linda is 5'1" and I am 6', guess who makes the rules and keeps the money ? Hey for 37 years I have given her every dime I have ever made, nothing has ever been repossessed nothing has ever been turned off, the car and truck are paid off as is the house, and she always has money when we need it so it ain't broke so I ain't goin to try to fix it.


----------



## ripjack13

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry,
So she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:
USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results,
So,the following week she enclosed another note: 'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed, 
So this time when her clean Laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:
'I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!

USE MORE PAPER ON A$$!!!'


----------



## Kevin

A white horse fell in the mud.


----------



## ripjack13

no,no,no...the way I remember it was...
3 white horses jumped in the mud, and 6 came out.  :rotflmao3:


----------



## firemedic

I laughed


----------



## Mike1950

I was at the Senior center today and failed a health and safety course that was put on for us old fogies. One of the questions was : In the event of fire, what steps would you take?
"F.......ing big ones was apparently the wrong answer.......???"


----------



## Kevin

Guy goes to his doc and says: 

_Doc, my brother has gone nuts. He thinks he's a chicken. What should we do?

Take him to the crazy house.

We would but we can't.

Why not?

We want the free eggs! _


----------



## Mike1950

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at 
the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" asked the farmer.

... "No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one 
foot to the other..... and mumbling to himself.

The young boy said, "I know where all the tools are, if you 
want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to 
talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my 
daughter Suzy pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment...... "You would have to talk to 
Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50
for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for 
Howard."


----------



## hardtwist

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. 
He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"


----------



## Mike1950

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way back I stopped at the gas station to get some gas, and 
this drop dead gorgeous blond was filling up her car at the next pump. 

She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice, 

"I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in a trade of sex for ammo?" 

I thought it over for a few seconds and responded ...... "well, just what kind of ammo you got to trade?"


----------



## Kevin

:lolol:


----------



## Mrfish55

The running joke at work has been when you drop a silent but deadly one you say "hey does anyone else smell popcorn" so anyone else in the room takes a good sniff, we had a meeting the other day and the pastor was in attendance, out of nowhere he lets out a giggle and says "I smell popcorn" I just about lost it!


----------



## Brink




----------



## Kevin

I didn't get it at first. Then I turned the sound up. Pretty funny. But I never could figure out what she might have in that box.


----------



## Brink

Kevin said:


> I didn't get it at first. Then I turned the sound up. Pretty funny. But I never could figure out what she might have in that box.



I think it's a cat


----------



## Kevin

Brink said:


> Kevin said:
> 
> 
> 
> I didn't get it at first. Then I turned the sound up. Pretty funny. But I never could figure out what she might have in that box.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I think it's a cat
Click to expand...


Maybe it was a whole box of cats. Or maybe it was . . . . . . a Box of Frogs


----------



## ripjack13

Mrfish55 said:


> The running joke at work has been when you drop a silent but deadly one you say "hey does anyone else smell popcorn" so anyone else in the room takes a good sniff, we had a meeting the other day and the pastor was in attendance, out of nowhere he lets out a giggle and says "I smell popcorn" I just about lost it!



I am so using this one at work....

we call em crop dusting...but this'll work so much better....


----------



## woodtickgreg

ripjack13 said:


> Mrfish55 said:
> 
> 
> 
> The running joke at work has been when you drop a silent but deadly one you say "hey does anyone else smell popcorn" so anyone else in the room takes a good sniff, we had a meeting the other day and the pastor was in attendance, out of nowhere he lets out a giggle and says "I smell popcorn" I just about lost it!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I am so using this one at work....
> 
> we call em crop dusting...but this'll work so much better....
Click to expand...

I call em air biscuits, any one smell biscuits? LOL


----------



## firemedic

Haha

[attachment=21095]


----------



## Kevin

At least the guy was smart enough not to become 15 also. "Hey who did that? I better look and see!"


----------



## Kenbo

A Canadian and an American entered a chocolate store.
As they were busy looking, the American stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the American said to the Canadian: "Hello - Man
I'm the best thief, I just stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. Bet you can't beat that."
The Canadian replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back into the shop and I'll
show you "real stealing."
So they went to the counter and the Canadian said to the shopkeeper: "Do you want to see some magic?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Yes."
The Canadian said, "Give me one chocolate bar."
The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it. 
The Canadian asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.
He asked for the third, and finished that one too.
The shopkeeper asked, "But where's the magic?"
The Canadian replied, "Check in the American's pocket"


----------



## Brink

You can lead a horse to water...


But you can't lead a horticulture.


----------



## Mike Mills

A MALE BEER DRINKER:

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
Man: Yes.
Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.
Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.
Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 15 years.

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you 
consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month.
If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000 correct?
Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No.
Man: So where's your Ferrari?


----------



## Kevin

A Union chicken and a Confederate chicken are having a conversation. 

UC: _So what is it that makes you southern chickens tick? _

CC: _Well, to be a true rebel chicken, you have to start laying outside the bawks._


----------



## Kevin

[attachment=22131]


----------



## Mrfish55

Having a real bad day, first my ex gets run over by a bus then I get fired from my job as a bus driver


----------



## Kenbo

A couple were at the wife's high school reunion when the husband noticed his wife staring at a very drunk man at another table.
"Do you know him?" asked the husband.
"yes", she replied. "He's an ex boyfriend of mine. They say that when him and I broke up over 30 years ago, he hit the booze and he hasn't stopped drinking since."
The husband said "WOW!! I didn't think anyone could celebrate for that long........"
....
....
...
...
..
...
...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and THAT is when the fight started.


----------



## DKMD

Beware of older men......

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. 
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand
to buy a newspaper. 

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am." 

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. 

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. 

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. 

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. 

The clerk responds, "Oh,
I'd say 30." 

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. 

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." 

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. 

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she asks, "Okay, okay....How old am I?" 

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." 

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" 

"I promise I won't." she says. 

"I was behind you at McDonalds..."


----------



## Kevin

That's a good one Doc. But it does make me wonder about her priorities; a woman who cannot afford her own transportation is forking over $15K for new bra stuffing.

Reactions: Informative 1


----------



## hardtwist

A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500


----------



## JonLanier

EricJS said:


> Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep
> hole.
> "Wow...that looks deep."
> 
> "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
> 
> They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
> 
> "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks
> down there. Those should make a noise."
> 
> They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole
> and wait... and wait. Nothing.
> 
> They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his
> face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a
> railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in,
> it's GOTTA make some noise."
> 
> The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a
> sound comes from the hole.
> 
> Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the
> wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them,
> running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air
> and into the hole.
> 
> The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
> Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
> 
> Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?
> 
> You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy
> and just jumped into this hole!
> 
> Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was
> chained to a railroad tie.



I'm using this tonight to open up my sermon. Has nothing to so with the sermon content. But I'm using it anyway!!!!


----------



## Brink

I had a bad geometry teacher in HS.

He kept going off on tangents.


----------



## Mike Mills

Three friends from Church Point , Louisiana were asked,

"When you in your casket, and your friends and church
members are mourning over you, what would you like
dem to say?"

Thibodeaux said: "I would like dem to say, I was a
wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great
family man."

Fontenot commented: "I would like dem to say, I was
a wonderful teacher, and servant of da church, who made
a huge difference in people's lives."

Boudreaux said: "I like dem to say, 'Look, he movin!'"


----------



## Wes Murphy

I'm a cat person, but I thought this was funny

[attachment=23520]


----------



## TimR

My loving wife, who can't even utter a 4 letter word, was busting a gut watching this...
S%[email protected] my pants!


----------



## Kevin

Politician Logic:

Two politicians are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot. The first politician's shot is 20 feet wide to the left. The second politician's shot is 20 feet wide to the right. They give each other high fives, because on average . . . . . they hit it.


.


----------



## hardtwist

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh sh*t" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.


----------



## woodtickgreg

Now that's a good one! I literally laughed out loud.


----------



## Brink

Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as salesmen. Each day, two of the guys sell twenty toothbrushes each, and the third guy consistently sells two hundred. The other two guys are jealous, but they can't figure out his secret. Then, one day, they run into him at the mall, where he's set up a dip sample table.
"This is your secret?" says the first guy.
"Try some dip," says the third. They both take a little bit o' dip.
"Ech!" says the second guy. "This tastes like $h*t!"
"It is $h*t. Would you like to buy a toothbrush?"


----------



## sprucegum

A Texas rancher was on a bus tour of Vermont. The tour guide took the group to a Vt farm. The rancher asked the farmer "how big is your farm" The farmer pointed to a big rock a few hundred yard away and said " that rock marks one corner the big elm over yonder is another corner you can't quite see the other two but they are just over that hill". The Texan replied " My ranch down in Texas is so big it takes me two days on horse back just to ride across it" The farmer replied " I had a horse like that once but I shot him".


----------



## sprucegum

Did you hear about the 95 year old man that exposed himself at a flower show? He got first prize for the best dried arrangement.


----------



## hardtwist

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. .

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this...when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!


----------



## Mike1950

I got a nephew that I think a lot of and he works for Shell oil.
An' about 4 years ago they moved him down to South America an' I ain't seen him since.
But he still thinks about me an' Ma Crabapple.
Every Christmas he sends us a nice present.
This past Christmas he sent us a live bird.
Green bird 'bout this tall, had a little yella top notch on his head with some red on it and a hooked beak-sent it to us live from South America.
I tell you sumthin' that bird was delicious.
Yes siree.
We had him for Christmas dinner. We fixed him with some dressin an' cranberry sauce, sweet pertater scuffle.
Well after Christmas my nephew called.
Wanna' know if we got the bird.
I said "We got him"
Wanna t' know how we liked him
I said " He was delicious"
He said " You don't mean you ate that bird?" 
I said " Well of course we did"
My nephew got all upset an' just pitched a fit. He said " I paid a fortune for that bird" "that thing is worth a fortune. That bird could speak 2 languages."
I Said " Well he shoulda' said sumpthin!!!"


----------



## Brink

A fella is sitting in a bar, starts talking to the woman next to him. 
He asks if she would sleep with him for a million dollars.
She quickly responds with a yes.
A few minutes later, he asked if she would sleep with him $100.
Aghast, she asks " what kind of woman do you think I am?"
He responds, " I already know what kind, now I'm negotiating the price"


----------



## sprucegum

How many real Vermonters does it take to change a light bulb?
Ans: 3 one to change the bulb and 2 more to stand around and talk about how much better the the old one was.


----------



## Kevin

sprucegum said:


> How many real Vermonters does it take to change a light bulb?
> Ans: 3 one to change the bulb and 2 more to stand around and talk about how much better the the old one was.



:no dice. more please: 

What is 20 feet long and has 5 teeth? 
The funnel cake line at the Texas state fair. 

If a car has a Texas Tech Red Raider wide receiver, a Red Raider linebacker, and a Red Raider defensive back, who is driving the car? 
A cop. 

[attachment=25649]


----------



## sprucegum

Kevin said:


> sprucegum said:
> 
> 
> 
> How many real Vermonters does it take to change a light bulb?
> Ans: 3 one to change the bulb and 2 more to stand around and talk about how much better the the old one was.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> :no dice. more please:
> 
> What is 20 feet long and has 5 teeth?
> The funnel cake line at the Texas state fair.
> 
> If a car has a Texas Tech Red Raider wide receiver, a Red Raider linebacker, and a Red Raider defensive back, who is driving the car?
> A cop.
Click to expand...



A young fellow fed up with city life moved to Northern Me. and got a job felling trees for a lumber company. The boss was keeping pretty close tabs on the young man. He watched him saw haphazardly into a huge spruce and felt it was time to have a talk with the new man.
Boss: Can you tell me which way that tree is going to fall?
New man: I came here to work in the woods not be a frigging prophet .:teethlaugh:


----------



## Brink

Q: what's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?

A: you can't make a vitamin.


----------



## sprucegum

Insurance salesman drives into a farmers yard, he is greeted by the farmer and a barking growling dog.
The salesman asks does your dog bite?
Farmer: no
The salesman gets out of his car and the dog immediately bites him. The salesman screams I thought you said your dog doesn't bite.
Farmer: That ain't my dog.


----------



## Kevin

Two hunters going through thick brush trying to flush some quail. One hunter trips and falls onto a rattlesnake and gets snake bit in the last place a man would want to get bitten. Buddy calls 911:

_My buddy just got bit by a rattler what can I do?!

Make two small "x" incisions one over each puncture wound and suck the venom out, then spit it out.

Okay thanks.

What did the doc say?

The doc said to make peace with your god, because you're fixing to die._ 

:rip:



(Disclaimer: Never suck venom out of a snake bite. You will get just as sick or die too.)


----------



## Mike Jones

_.....A young fellow fed up with city life moved to Northern Me. and got a job felling trees for a lumber company. The boss was keeping pretty close tabs on the young man. He watched him saw haphazardly into a huge spruce and felt it was time to have a talk with the new man.
Boss: Can you tell me which way that tree is going to fall?....._

Young fellow: Why, DOWN... of course!!!

(Kid was born Texan)


----------



## Kevin

http://i1077.Rule #2/albums/w468/WoodBarter/CatThong_zps1521b2a5.png


----------



## Walt

A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you." The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" "No," said the psychic, "Next semester in her biology class."


----------



## Brink

Ole Bill was a hard worker, and was able to have some of the nicer things in life. Because of this, he would receive many requests for handouts.
One day, a grimy fella knocked on the door asking for money. Bill tells him he won't give him any, but, if the fella wanted to work, Bill would pay him. Bill tells him he will pay him $75 if he paints the porch. The man agrees, Bill tells him the paint, brushes, drop cloths are all in the garage.

A couple hours later, the man knocks on the door to tell Bill he's all done. "that's great!' says Bill, and proceeds to pay the $75.

The man thanks ole Bill and starts to leave, then turns back and tells him "by the way, you don't have a porch, you have a Mercedes"


----------



## Brink

Ole Bill just got off the train when a guy bumped into him. Like a good New Yorker, Bill checked for his wallet, which was gone.

He proceeds to chase the man across the platform, down the stairs and into the the parking lot where he makes a diving tackle. 

Enraged, he screams at the man to give up the wallet, which he does.

Driving his freshly painted Mercedes home, Bill is feeling pretty good about himself. When he walks in the house he his greeted by his wife who informs him that he forgot his wallet that morning.


----------



## Brink

In a recent scuffle with a man, Ole Bill hurt himself. He had an exam, and was found to have a hernia that required surgery.

As he's laying in the hospital, nurses busily getting him ready, Bill feels he won't survive the operation. with tears in his eyes, he pulls his wife close. Bill tells her he won't mind if she finds someone else, but asks that they don't sleep together in his bed.

Bills wife replies "honey, don't worry about that, Fred has a much nicer bed than we do"


----------



## Wes Murphy

Kevin said:


> sprucegum said:
> 
> 
> 
> What is 20 feet long and has 5 teeth?
> The funnel cake line at the Texas state fair.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> now that funny right there!
Click to expand...


----------



## Kevin

Brink said:


> Ole Bill was a hard worker, and was able to have some of the nicer things in life. Because of this, he would receive many requests for handouts.
> One day, a grimy fella knocked on the door asking for money. Bill tells him he won't give him any, but, if the fella wanted to work, Bill would pay him. Bill tells him he will pay him $75 if he paints the porch. The man agrees, Bill tells him the paint, brushes, drop cloths are all in the garage.
> 
> A couple hours later, the man knocks on the door to tell Bill he's all done. "that's great!' says Bill, and proceeds to pay the $75.
> 
> The man thanks ole Bill and starts to leave, then turns back and tells him "by the way, you don't have a porch, you have a Mercedes"





Brink said:


> Ole Bill just got off the train when a guy bumped into him. Like a good New Yorker, Bill checked for his wallet, which was gone.
> 
> He proceeds to chase the man across the platform, down the stairs and into the the parking lot where he makes a diving tackle.
> 
> Enraged, he screams at the man to give up the wallet, which he does.
> 
> Driving his freshly painted Mercedes home, Bill is feeling pretty good about himself. When he walks in the house he his greeted by his wife who informs him that he forgot his wallet that morning.



:rofl2::rofl2::rofl2::rofl2::rofl2::rofl2::rofl2:


----------



## ripjack13

JonLanier said:


> EricJS said:
> 
> 
> 
> Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep
> hole.
> "Wow...that looks deep."
> 
> "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
> 
> They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
> 
> "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks
> down there. Those should make a noise."
> 
> They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole
> and wait... and wait. Nothing.
> 
> They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his
> face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a
> railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in,
> it's GOTTA make some noise."
> 
> The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a
> sound comes from the hole.
> 
> Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the
> wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them,
> running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air
> and into the hole.
> 
> The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
> Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
> 
> Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?
> 
> You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy
> and just jumped into this hole!
> 
> Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was
> chained to a railroad tie.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'm using this tonight to open up my sermon. Has nothing to so with the sermon content. But I'm using it anyway!!!!
Click to expand...


Moral of the story...don't be a sheep. or your chain will get pulled...


----------



## khowald

Spa City Woodworks said:


> A baby seal walks into a club...


Harbor seal walks into a bar; bartender says "what'll ya have?" seal says "anything but a canadian club"...ken


----------



## Brink

My father used to tell me, "son, don't ever go to the strip club, you might see something you wish you never saw". 

Finally, I snuck in. 

And what did I see?

DAD!


----------



## SlickSqueegie

I was sitting at a long stoplight the other day, minding my own business, patiently waiting for the light to turn green even though their was no on-coming traffic.

A car load of bearded, young, loud muslims shouting anti-American slogans, with a half burned American flag duct taped to the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan painted on the side stopped next to me.

Suddenly, they yelled "Praise Alllah" and took off before the light changed. Out of no-where an 18 wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car crushing it completely and killing everyone inside.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man.... That could have been me!

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver!

:rotflmao3:


----------



## woodtickgreg

As I am a truck driver that has extra meaning to me. Glad your back slick!


----------



## sprucegum

Paddy was on his death bed when he asked his old friend Sean one last favor. "Sean I've one last favor to ask of yea would you please put this bottle of fine Irish whiskey in me coffin before they close the lid"?
Sean held the bottle up to the light and gazed at it's beautiful amber color and replied "of course but would you mind if it would be passin through me kidneys first"?


----------



## Kevin




----------



## sprucegum

Kevin said:


>



A couple of hillbilly brothers answered a ad for a mule for sale at a local farm. They went to the farm and made a deal with the farmer to buy the mule for $100 but the farmer was to deliver the mule the next day. The next day the farmer drove into their yard and announced that the mule had died. One of the brothers said then give us our money back but the farmer refused saying a deal is a deal. 
Other brother: then bring us our mule
Farmer: why would you want a dead mule
hillbilly: we are going to raffle him off'
Farmer: you can't raffle off a dead mule
hillbilly: sure we can
So the farmer delivered the mule to the brothers. A few weeks later the farmer ran into one of the brothers.
Farmer: How did your raffle go?
hillbilly: great almost doubled our money we sold 100 tickets for $2.00 each.
Farmer: didn,t people complain?
hillbilly: the guy that won was some pissed so we gave him his $2.00 back.


----------



## Mike1950

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: 




You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There a re six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!




So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:




Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs 




She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: 




Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' 




So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 




'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.




She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: 



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.



'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:




Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. 




She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!) 


PLEASE NOTE: 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex. 



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. 



The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## Kevin

:rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3:


----------



## Brink

Hahaha!
Moma B just left for the train station.


----------



## Kevin

[attachment=26732]


----------



## ripjack13

Would that be a tigog or doger? :)


----------



## woodtickgreg

ripjack13 said:


> Would that be a tigog or doger? :)


Or a diger


----------



## hardtwist




----------



## woodtickgreg

hardtwist said:


>


I need one like that at work. I'd call it complaint department, for assistance bush button.


----------



## Kevin

woodtickgreg said:


> ...for assistance bush button. ...



Or _"For assistance, press pad with top of head." _


----------



## Brink

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely ......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?


----------



## Mike Jones

Last night a man in his 70's lucked out and was able to buy several boxes of

AR-15 5.56 NATO round ammo at the sporting goods store. 

On the way home he stopped at the 7-Eleven gas station where this drop-dead

gorgeous young blonde was filling up her car at the pump next to his. She

glanced at the ammo boxes in the back of his Jeep and said in a very seductive

voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old timer. Would you be interested in trading

sex for ammo?"

The old guy thought a few seconds and asked, "What kinda ammo ya got?"


----------



## NYWoodturner

[attachment=27864]


----------



## Mike1950

Bubba's pregnant sister is in a serious car accident causing her to fall into a deep coma. She awakens after nearly six months and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins - a boy and a girl and your babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers with a smile. The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."

She then asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" Smiling and shaking his shoulders up and down, the doctor replies, "Denephew


----------



## woodtickgreg

Mike1950 said:


> Bubba's pregnant sister is in a serious car accident causing her to fall into a deep coma. She awakens after nearly six months and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins - a boy and a girl and your babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
> 
> The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers with a smile. The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."
> 
> She then asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" Smiling and shaking his shoulders up and down, the doctor replies, "Denephew



:rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3:


----------



## Kevin

http://i1077.Rule #2/albums/w468/WoodBarter/DischrgeFirearmsIllegal_zps4bcb5b07.jpg

http://i1077.Rule #2/albums/w468/WoodBarter/Funnysign1_zps69db57e4.jpg

http://i1077.Rule #2/albums/w468/WoodBarter/Funnysign3_zps95fe2be8.jpg


----------



## ripjack13

Does a one legged duck swim in circles?


----------



## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> Does a one legged duck swim in circles?



Is there a mustache in Mexico? 


What's the difference between a duck? 

One leg is both the same. 





The duckster might have something to say about all these anatidae ad hominem-isms. Whew. Say that fast ten times.



_thatthatthatthat . . . . . . _


----------



## woodtickgreg

The broccoli says I look like a small tree.
The mushroom says I look like a small umbrella.
The walnut says I look like a brain.
The banana says can we change the subject.


----------



## Kevin

:rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3:


----------



## Brink

Mmmm, bananas....


----------



## LSCG

The Funeral Procession 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was leaving the convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her. You see I'm a Vet and this is my PTSD service dog"

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Vet answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The Vet replied, "Get in line."


----------



## Mike1950

:rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3:


----------



## Kevin

I don't like long jokes usually but that's a killer. First time I ever gave a rep for a joke.


----------



## rdnkmedic

Stopped By Police At 2:00 AM

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." 

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" 

The man replied, "That would be my wife."


----------



## LSCG

*new video game just for women* 




http://i1268.Rule #2/albums/jj568/telemaster1953/funny%20pics/1233023831424_zps618d53ac.jpg


----------



## Mike1950

LSCG said:


> *new video game just for women*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> http://i1268.Rule #2/albums/jj568/telemaster1953/funny%20pics/1233023831424_zps618d53ac.jpg



ZANE- I am wonderin how much wood I can get from you for not showing this to your wife??? :rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3:


----------



## Mike1950

I saw this on a tee-shirt yesterday.
There are 3 kinds of people in the world when it comes to math. There are those that can add and those that can't! :wacko1:


----------



## Kevin

Zane, 

I didn't click the Like button because my wife is in the room and I want to live through the day. :xyxnervous:


----------



## LSCG

Mike1950 said:


> LSCG said:
> 
> 
> 
> *new video game just for women*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> http://i1268.Rule #2/albums/jj568/telemaster1953/funny%20pics/1233023831424_zps618d53ac.jpg
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ZANE- I am wonderin how much wood I can get from you for not showing this to your wife??? :rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3:
Click to expand...


:lolol: sorry Mike but I haven't found a girl rich enough for me to marry yet  besides i'm still too young


----------



## LSCG

Kevin said:


> Zane,
> 
> I didn't click the Like button because my wife is in the room and I want to live through the day. :xyxnervous:



:rotflmao3::teethlaugh::rotflmao3:


----------



## Brink




----------



## DKMD

"You are a dawg... A sly dawg":rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3:


----------



## JonLanier

LSCG said:


> The Funeral Procession



Looking for an opening joke for Sunday. This is funny as can be but if I tell it.... I'd be losing my job for sure.


----------



## LSCG

here's one for you Brink.


----------



## Brink

LSCG said:


> here's one for you Brink.
> 
> Video Link: youtube



Monkey-Ed movies crack me up.


----------



## Mike1950

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his 18-year-old nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have an adjoining room. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bullsh!tting me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."


----------



## LSCG

Mike1950 said:


> A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his 18-year-old nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have an adjoining room. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bullsh!tting me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."




i'm going to have to steal that one Mike


----------



## sprucegum

LSCG said:


> Mike1950 said:
> 
> 
> 
> A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his 18-year-old nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have an adjoining room. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bullsh!tting me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> i'm going to have to steal that one Mike
Click to expand...


Me too


----------



## LSCG

new way to clean your computer screen found.

http://www.formation-massage-stage.fr/outils/nettoyeurecran/cleanscreen.swf


----------



## Wildthings

LSCG said:


> new way to clean your computer screen found.
> 
> http://www.formation-massage-stage.fr/outils/nettoyeurecran/cleanscreen.swf



That is hilarious!!


----------



## ButchC

Here's a joke told by Harrison Ford on Letterman. I thought it was hilarious, especially when told by Harrison Ford!! :rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3:


----------



## ButchC

And here's one more....

[attachment=28938]


----------



## Mike1950

What they do to keep busy in Idaho.

A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pickup truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tailgate for dear life!
She said if the pickup truck driver hadn't been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him.

A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the local Bass Pro Shop.
The pickup truck driver is a local IDAHO taxidermist with a great sense of humor!
Taxidermists are a twisted lot anyway!
And it is not a dog in the first place; it’s a Coyote.
Can you imagine how many people tried to stop this guy?

[attachment=29170]


----------



## ripjack13

That's awesome!!!


----------



## Walt

*A Joke a Day Keeps The Boredom Away . . .Quote*

"When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, 
then it became optional, and now it's legal.

I'm getting out before the Democrats make it mandatory."


----------



## sprucegum

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shot of bourbon and downs them all in about 45 second. The bartender says "boy I have never seen anyone drink like that". Man says " you would drink like that to if you had what I have" Bartender says " what do you have" Man says " fifty cents".


----------



## LSCG

sprucegum said:


> A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shot of bourbon and downs them all in about 45 second. The bartender says "boy I have never seen anyone drink like that". Man says " you would drink like that to if you had what I have" Bartender says " what do you have" Man says " fifty cents".



:lolol:


----------



## LSCG




----------



## Mike1950

Meet Walter Barnes - All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.


“Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”


“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.



“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?”



“Ninety-eight,” he replied.



The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.







“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?”







The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all them a$$holes” - and he calmly returned to his seat.


----------



## woodtickgreg

I don't normally post links but this is some seriously funny stuff! I laughed untill I cried, literally. It will make you check every text from now on.


http://seriouslyforreal.com/funny/the-25-funniest-autocorrects-of-dyacs-first-year/


----------



## Brink

woodtickgreg said:


> I don't normally post links but this is some seriously funny stuff! I laughed untill I cried, literally. It will make you check every text from now on.
> 
> http://seriouslyforreal.com/funny/the-25-funniest-autocorrects-of-dyacs-first-year/





[attachment=29412]


----------



## Kenbo

woodtickgreg said:


> I don't normally post links but this is some seriously funny stuff! I laughed untill I cried, literally. It will make you check every text from now on.
> 
> 
> http://seriouslyforreal.com/funny/the-25-funniest-autocorrects-of-dyacs-first-year/



Mrs Kenbo and I both enjoyed that one. Good stuff.


----------



## LSCG

The Pope in Alaska


The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along the campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing "Go Sarah" shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.

Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck, while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?" "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom." "Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting. Is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another?" 
__________________


----------



## Mike Mills

woodtickgreg said:


> I don't normally post links but this is some seriously funny stuff! I laughed untill I cried, literally. It will make you check every text from now on.
> 
> 
> http://seriouslyforreal.com/funny/the-25-funniest-autocorrects-of-dyacs-first-year/



That is great! :rotflmao3:
Thanks
I only made it half way through before I couldn't read the screen anymore from the tears. I will go back and read the rest later.


----------



## Kevin

I guess I'm too cynical because I just can't imagine auto correct spelling some of the stuff that's being claimed. Half of it looks contrived to me. :dunno:


----------



## woodtickgreg

Kevin said:


> I guess I'm too cynical because I just can't imagine auto correct spelling some of the stuff that's being claimed. Half of it looks contrived to me. :dunno:


Who cares if it was.....it's still funny!  jmo


----------



## Brink

A wife, being the romantic sort sent her husband a text:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied;
"I am sitting on the toilet. Please advise".


----------



## Mike1950

:rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3:


----------



## Mike1950

This is the story of the blonde flying in a two seater airplane with just the

pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She is frantic, calls out a May Day.


"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is

dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"


She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I

have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on

the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. 'Now,

just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height

and position."


She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."


"O.K."... says the voice on the radio...." Repeat after me:


“Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . .."


----------



## Darkmoorwoods

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are sitting their horses on a hill.. suddenly a large war party of Indians appear and gallop full speed at the duo.. 

The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says: "Tonto, we are in big trouble"

Tonto responds: "What do you mean WE, paleface?"


----------



## Kevin

The Texas watermelon farmer had a problem with local kids stealing his melons. He decided to teach them a lesson because he was about to make the most profitable, bountiful harvest of his long career as a farmer and didn't want to lose any more melons. One night, the kids showed up and saw a sign which read, _"One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with poison."_ The next morning not a single melon had been taken, then he noticed a sign next to his which read, _"There are now TWO poisonous melons in this field."_ :dash2:


----------



## sprucegum

A man and his wife get pulled over by a cop. 
Cop: do you know you have a tail light out?
Man (driver): why no officer I had no idea.
Wife: officer I told him if he did not get that fixed he was going to get a ticket.
Man: why you stupid %&**%$&&*%$$) can't you ever keep your mouth shut?
Cop: you were also doing 60 in a 45.
Man: Oh I had no idea I am really sorry it won't happen again.
Wife: Officer I told him if he did not slow down he was going to get a ticket.
Man: You are the dumbest &&^%$$#@@((*&*&^%$%$ I have ever known.
Cop: Mam does your husband always treat you this way?
Wife: Oh no officer only when he has been drinking.


----------



## Kevin




----------



## Mike1950

Jimmy Stewart is one of our favorites..........


----------



## hardtwist

Perspectives....

A doctor from France says:"In France , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

A German doctor comments quietly : "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says boasting :"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 5 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole damn country is looking for work.


----------



## Kevin

Day 19...

I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.

- Pavlov's Dog


----------



## Kevin

An Irishman goes to a building site for his first day of work, and a couple of Englishmen think, 
_"Ah, we'll have some fun with the spud farmer!"_ So they walk up and say, 
_"Hey, Paddy, as you're new here make sure you know a joist from a girder..."_ 

_"Ah, sure, I knows"_ says Paddy, _"twas Joyce which wrote Ulysses and Goethe what wrote Faust now be handing me that sack 'o 12 penny's ya dumb blokes!"_


----------



## Kevin

Lenin's tomb is a communist plot.


----------



## Kevin

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
_"You mean a martini?"_ the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, _"If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"_

and to a lesser extent...

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks _"dry?"_, he replies _"nein, just one"_

On a related note, according to Sigmund Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
Fünf.

As long as we're doing German...An American female walking down the street in Germany passes a man peeing in the bushes and disgustedly exclaims, _"Gross!"_. He replies with a grin, _"Danke Schon!"_

More German stuff ...
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
_"Nationality?"_ asks the immigration officer.
_"German,"_ she replies.
_"Occupation?"_
_"No, just here for a few days."_

People often accuse me of _"stealing others' jokes"_ and being _"a plagiarist"_. 

Their words not mine...


----------



## Kevin

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers see this and agree that it is quite a clever idea so, after the conference, they decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom before the ticket-taker gets to their car and knocks on the door where the lawyers are and in an officious voice: "Ticket, please."


----------



## Kevin

Last one I promise . . . 

Amanda is 21 years older than her son John. In 6 years from now, Amanda will be 5 times as old as John.

Question : Where is Amanda's husband?

Solution : 

Amanda (MOM =M) is 21 years older than John (Child = C). M = C + 21

In 6 years from now, Mom will be 5 times as old as her Child.

M + 6 = ( C + 6 ) x 5

C + 21 + 6 = ( C + 6) x 5

C + 27 = 5C + 30

-3 = 4C

C = -3/4

The child is -3/4 years old, that is, -9 months

Child will be born in 9 months

So, right now, Amanda's Husband is..

(on top of her)


----------



## Sprung

Kevin said:


> A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
> _"You mean a martini?"_ the bartender asks.
> The Roman replies, _"If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"_
> 
> and to a lesser extent...
> 
> A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks _"dry?"_, he replies _"nein, just one"_
> 
> On a related note, according to Sigmund Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
> Fünf.
> 
> As long as we're doing German...An American female walking down the street in Germany passes a man peeing in the bushes and disgustedly exclaims, _"Gross!"_. He replies with a grin, _"Danke Schon!"_



Having studied both Latin (4 years) and German (4 1/2 years), these definitely made me laugh!


----------



## kweinert

It was Wednesday, the night they bring in entertainment into the Senior Home. They wheeled all 90 residents into the dining room to see the Magician.

He told them that he was going to amaze and astound them through hypnosis.

"That's right", he said, "I'm going to hypnotize everyone here tonight!"

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a very ornate gold watch.

"This watch has been in my family for 6 generations and has helped hypnotize many thousands of people over that time."

He takes the end of the chain and starts slowly swinging the watch back and forth, back and forth.

"You are getting sleepier and sleepier . . ."

Suddenly the chain breaks and the watch falls to the floor and shatters.

"bat guana" he yelled.

It took a week to get the dining room (and the residents) clean.


----------



## kweinert

kweinert said:


> "Cow Patty!" he yelled.



Hmmm, either someone edited this or the forum has a filter in place.

"Cow Patty" is one more word and 4 more letters than what I typed :)


----------



## Mike1950

kweinert said:


> kweinert said:
> 
> 
> 
> "Cow Patty!" he yelled.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Hmmm, either someone edited this or the forum has a filter in place.
> 
> "Cow Patty" is one more word and 4 more letters than what I typed :)
Click to expand...


Filter ah bat guana see it works for me also but then again ah sh!t gets by the bots........


----------



## ripjack13

it's like when you type in the word drums


----------



## hardtwist

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an S in it?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why do they put braille on drive through bank machines?

If Richard Simmons were a story would he be a fairy tale?


----------



## Mike1950

This one came from WWT- too funny not to pass on.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'


----------



## Mike1950

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down 


and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some 
deep thinking. 

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I 
said that instead of saying 'Just thinking' is because she would have said 'About what'. 
At that point I'd have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics -
which would have led to other questions. 

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting
kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than 
a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive 
thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. 

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby. And here is the reason 
for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might 
be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You 
know, I think I'd like another kick in the nuts." 

I rest my case. Time for another beer. CHEERS!


----------



## Mike1950

You young guys might not appreciate this as much as those of us that have had to make this doctor call. I hope I have done this right.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/_43f9RzAqMM


----------



## LoneStar

What do you call a deer with no eyes ? No eyedeer.
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes ? Dooyathinkeesaurus


----------



## Kevin

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

On the other hand . . . . you have different fingers.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?


Stephen Wright is my favorite one liner guy.


----------



## sprucegum

LoneStar said:


> What do you call a deer with no eyes ? No eyedeer.
> What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes ? Dooyathinkeesaurus



what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? still no eye deer.


----------



## Kevin

Kevin said:


> ...
> 
> Stephen Wright is my favorite one liner guy.



.... tied with the "late" insanely shy Mitch Hedberg. The "late" Mitch Hedberg. If he was here to respond to that he'd probably say something like _"Sorry man. I didn't know you were expecting me."_.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait." 

I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too. 

I think Bigfoot is blurry. That's the problem. And that's extra scary to me because there's an out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. 


If you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. "Shut up I don't understand!"


----------



## LoneStar

Mitch was one of a kind.


----------



## ripjack13

I love that guy....I could listen to him all day...but my sides would hurt from laughing so much.....


----------



## ButchC

Not quite a joke, but I felt it was appropriate. I saw this on a completely unrelated site. I'd love to make one up and hang above my bench.

[attachment=30809]


----------



## Kevin

ButchC said:


> Not quite a joke, but I felt it was appropriate. I saw this on a completely unrelated site. I'd love to make one up and hang above my bench.



*|*Haha that's funn*|*


----------



## ripjack13

Hahahahaa...now that's funny!


----------



## Kevin

Hope this isn't too political. MIL forwarded it to me it's too funny. 

http://i1077.Rule #2/albums/w468/WoodBarter/collegefootball_zps53a550dd.jpg


----------



## rdnkmedic

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. 
"What's on tv? She asked.
Dust, I replied.

That's when the fight started.


----------



## Kevin

Me and my cousin Bobby Bob were going on vacation to London when the pilot piped into the cabin a few hours after takeoff and said:

_Ladies and gentlemen we've lost an engine but don't worry we have 3 more, and we'll only be about an hour late landing in London. _

Bobby Bob moved around in his seat a little but didn't seem too concerned. A few minutes went by and the Skipper comes on the PA again and says:

_Ladies and gentlemen we've lost another engine but don't worry we have 2 more, we'll be landing about two hours late. 
_
Bobby Bob moved around in his seat a little more than last time and seemed a little concerned. A few minutes went by and the Skipper comes on the PA again and says:

_Ladies and gentlemen we've lost a 3rd engine but don't worry we have another one still running fine, and this aircraft can still fly and land normally with only one engine. We'll be landing about 4 to 5 hours late. _

Bobby Bob was openly worried now and blurted out:

_Hellfire Henry Joe, if we lose that last one we'll be up here all night!_


----------



## Brink

Pair of jumper cables go into a bar and order some drinks. 
Bartender says they can stay, but they better not start something.


----------



## Kevin

Have I already told my deja vu joke?


----------



## eaglea1

HE MUST PAY 
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you." 
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.


----------



## eaglea1

Today's Short Reading from the Bible... 
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth." 
Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!


----------



## sprucegum

The teacher asked her 3 grade students to each tell a story that had a morel and to tell what the morel was. Little Sally told of gathering eggs from her grandmothers chicken coop then falling and breaking all of the eggs, the morel being don't put all of your eggs in one basket. Little Tommy grasping on the egg theme told of putting 12 eggs in a incubator and only 8 hatched the morel of course being don't count your chickens before they hatch.
Little Johnny piped up next I got one, my uncle Bob was a fighter pilot in Iraq and he got shot down. When he realized he was in trouble he drank his flask of whiskey that he always carried for emergency's, grabbed his .45 and ejected. On the way down he realized he was going to land rite in the middle of about a dozen of enemy soldiers. He emptied his .45 before he hit the ground and killed half of them, then he stabbed 5 more to death with his survival knife before he broke the blade and the last one he strangled with his bare hands. 
The teacher somewhat aghast asked so what is the morel of your story? To which Johnny replied "don't mess with uncle Bob when he's been drinking".


----------



## Brink

A new young lady works at the bagel shop. Very attractive, usually in a very short skirt. 
Standing in line, first man asks for a toasted raisin bagel. She gets a step stool, climbs to,the top and reaches way up to retrieve the bagel. 
Next fella orders a raisin bagel with cream cheese. Out comes the stool, and the long reach, much to the delight of the male patrons.
Now it's my turn. She asks "is yours raisin?" 
I reply, "no, but it's twitching a bit"


----------



## Mike1950

>> When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
> >> 
> >> That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twitterific, Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.
> >> 
> >> My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
> >> 
> >> The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone within 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
> >> 
> >> I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying and rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...
> >> When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and, while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
> >> 
> >> To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
> >> 
> >> The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.
> >> 
> >> Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "It doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot." 
> >> 
> >> P.S. I know some of you are not over 60. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
> >> 
> >> We senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle


----------



## rdnkmedic

That's funny right there.


----------



## rdnkmedic

[attachment=31488]

Speaks for itself. Share this if you dare.


----------



## sprucegum

> In 
> Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a 
> large
> German-speaking population.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> One day, a local rancher driving 
> down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink 
> water from
> the rancher's stock pond.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The rancher rolled down the window 
> and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die 
> kuehe haben
> darein geschissen."
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> This means: "Glad to meet you! Don't drink 
> the water. The cows have s%&t in it."
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The man shouted back: 
> "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for 
> Obama's health
> care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in
> English."
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The rancher replied: "Use both hands." 
> 
> 
> 
> 
>


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## Mike1950

:rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3:


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## Mike1950

[attachment=32356]


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## DKMD

[attachment=32688]


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## Mike1950

this was on my local craigslist- hope it is ok- somebody had a sense of humor.

[attachment=32690]



fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been produced in Muslim Kenya.Used for a few years in Muslim Indonesia before being smuggled into the United States via Hawaii.Of questionable pedigree (half-breed). Does not appear to have ever been worked hard. And apparently, it was pampered by various owners over the years. It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can sling bat guana for amazing distances. I am hoping to retire the manure spreader as soon as possible. Last November it appeared that I had a buyer, but that fell through.I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way any more. I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the U.S.A. And understand that I am willing to trade it for a nicely framed copy of the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights.Location: It is currently being stored in a big white house in Washington, D.C


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## Kevin

I went to a zoo the other day and it only had one single animal . . . a dog. It was a shitzu.

Reactions: Useful 1


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## Brink

My company sells manure spreaders, but we won't stand behind them.


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## Kenbo

Kevin said:


> I went to a zoo the other day and it only had one single animal . . . a dog. It was a shitzu.



:rotflmao3: Oh my god, I'm crying over here. :rotflmao3:
I don't know why that struck me so funny, but it did and I really needed the laugh. Thanks Kevin. 
shitzu.............:rotflmao3:


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## Kevin

What happens to illegally parked frogs?

They get toad away. 

Booooo hissssssss rotten eggs . . . .


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## sprucegum

Kevin said:


> What happens to illegally parked frogs?
> 
> They get toad away.
> 
> Booooo hissssssss rotten eggs . . . .



And first prize for corniest joke of the year go's to :dunno:


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## kweinert

The love story of Ralph and Edna…

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?’

Today is Mental Health Day! You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend…

Done my part!!!


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## DKMD

It's not a joke, but it still made me laugh!

This is somebody in my town selling a vehicle... Seems like the ad could have been written by someone on this forum. I'm thinking about buying it just so I can meet the author!

http://enid.craigslist.org/cto/4119280944.html%3C/div%3E

Reactions: Like 1


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## kweinert

DKMD said:


> It's not a joke, but it still made me laugh!
> 
> This is somebody in my town selling a vehicle... Seems like the ad could have been written by someone on this forum. I'm thinking about buying it just so I can meet the author!
> 
> http://enid.craigslist.org/cto/4119280944.html%3C/div%3E



Emailed it to a guy I work with and he's thinking about buying it. Says he needs a project and Enid's only about an hour from his parent's house.


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## Kevin

DKMD said:


> It's not a joke, but it still made me laugh!
> 
> This is somebody in my town selling a vehicle... Seems like the ad could have been written by someone on this forum. I'm thinking about buying it just so I can meet the author!
> 
> http://enid.craigslist.org/cto/4119280944.html%3C/div%3E



I wish he lived about a half mile down the road from me. Far enough away I don't have to see him daily but close enough I could drop by for a few laughs when I needed one. That was some funny stuff.


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## NYWoodturner

At least email him and invite him to WB. He would fit right in here 
Thats the best for sale ad i've ever seen :rotflmao3::rotflmao3::rotflmao3:


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## ripjack13

Holy cow. That's the single most funniest ad I have ever read! America!


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## woodtickgreg

My hero  some one who tells it like it is  I think I have a new roll model.


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## Kevin

woodtickgreg said:


> My hero  some one who tells it like it is  I think I have a new roll role model.



Just in case we're still twodering each other . . .


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## woodtickgreg

Kevin said:


> woodtickgreg said:
> 
> 
> 
> My hero  some one who tells it like it is  I think I have a new roll role model.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Just in case we're still twodering each other . . .
Click to expand...


:rotflmao3::rotflmao3:


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## rdnkmedic

DKMD said:


> It's not a joke, but it still made me laugh!
> 
> This is somebody in my town selling a vehicle... Seems like the ad could have been written by someone on this forum. I'm thinking about buying it just so I can meet the author!
> 
> http://enid.craigslist.org/cto/4119280944.html%3C/div%3E



Priceless.


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## firemedic

Mike1950 said:


> this was on my local craigslist- hope it is ok- somebody had a sense of humor.
> 
> fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been produced in Muslim Kenya.Used for a few years in Muslim Indonesia before being smuggled into the United States via Hawaii.Of questionable pedigree (half-breed). Does not appear to have ever been worked hard. And apparently, it was pampered by various owners over the years. It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can sling bat guana for amazing distances. I am hoping to retire the manure spreader as soon as possible. Last November it appeared that I had a buyer, but that fell through.I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way any more. I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the U.S.A. And understand that I am willing to trade it for a nicely framed copy of the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights.Location: It is currently being stored in a big white house in Washington, D.C



I for one got a good laugh from that one

Reactions: Like 1


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## rob3232

Sign was changed but used to see it every day on the way home from work and chuckle to myself:teethlaugh:
[attachment=32954]


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## Kevin

Spoons will make you fat.

Reactions: Like 6


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## Kevin



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## Kevin



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## NYWoodturner

Someone sent me this today. I have probably watched it 20 times. Makes me laugh every time

Reactions: Like 2


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## hardtwist

To all the women who dressed for Halloween, I thank you and do not mind.


Mike - Just lending you a helping hand here man... 
Scott

Reactions: Like 1


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## Kevin

hardtwist said:


> To all the women who dressed slutty for Halloween, I thank you and do not mind. But the point of Halloween is to dress up as something you already aren't.



Hey twist what about the men who dressed up as male chauvinist pigs? They ought to try on a new face at least once a year too don't you think? Just saying . . .

Reactions: Like 2


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## Mike1950

A testimony to true friendship is... 


A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. 

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. 
My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, 
I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What 
the hell did you bring him home for?" 

"Because he's thinking of getting married"

Reactions: Like 4


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## Molokai



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## sprucegum

What do the affordable health care act and a stool sample have in common?

Ans. You have to pass it to see whats in it.

Reactions: Like 4


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## woodtickgreg

A cool prank, well planned and funny.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/VlOxlSOr3_M?feature=player_embedded

Reactions: Like 3


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## sprucegum

Old Sam knowing that his time on earth was growing short decided it was time to come clean to his faithful wife Edna. Edna he said I have not always been faithful to you. Edna said Oh how many times have you strayed? To which Sam replied if you look in the wood shed I cut a notch in the corner post each time. Edna replied well I guess I should admit I have not always been faithful to you. Sam then asked how many times have you strayed? Edna replied if you look in the attic there is a bag and I put a bean in the bag each time, and they are all there to except for the 5 pounds I baked for the church supper last Sunday.

Reactions: Like 3


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## kweinert



Reactions: Like 6


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## ripjack13

Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. 
She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. 
She insisted on speaking to the Manager. 
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have." 
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here." "But I didn't go to any of those shows.." "Well, we have them, and you could have." 
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. 
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. 
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00 
"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me." 
"But I didn't!" the manager replied.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Reactions: Like 4


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## Mike1950

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
''Mrs. Sanders, please."
''Speaking."
''Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's
doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as...
well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way,
the results are not too good."

''What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV(AIDS). We can't tell which is which."

''That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but Obamacare will only pay for these cheap tests one time."

''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

''The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Reactions: Like 7


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## justturnin

Mike1950 said:


> The phone rings ...... don't sleep with him."



HAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAH


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## DKMD

*The Retiree* One day a man decided to retire... 
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." 
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?""No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, 
" I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a wood lathe ? "

Reactions: Like 10


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## Mike1950

A 5 year old's first job Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally
Took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even
Presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."


"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those @$$holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f*ckin' sheet rock..."Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

Reactions: Like 8


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## Kevin



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## Kevin



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## woodtickgreg

Ha Ha, those are great!


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## Mike1950

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore. ... If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. ... A whale swims all day, mainly eat fish, drinks water, but is still fat. ... A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while ... A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran. 3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10.Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........??????

Reactions: Like 4


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## Kevin

Ha too funny. It's been at least a year since I seen this - we should all see it at least once a year. Glad I do not have any of those memory problems.

Reactions: Like 2


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## Kevin

This is hilarious Mike. I never seen it before.

Reactions: Like 2


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> This is hilarious Mike. I never seen it before.

Reactions: Like 1


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## DKMD

Lots of wisdom there, Mike. This is my favorite
_
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. _

Reactions: Like 3


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 6 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13

I'm going to try that this year....

Reactions: Like 1


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## Molokai



Reactions: Like 7


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## ripjack13

Bwahahahaaa!!!!!


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## Mike Mills

*Ad from the Atlanta Journal
*
Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting,
camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight
dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me....
Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Annie,
I'll be waiting.....

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.

Reactions: Like 8


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## NYWoodturner



Reactions: Like 5


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## Mike1950




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## LoneStar

I don't know if I heard this one here, but I'm too lazy to go back and reread 20 pages of jokes.

I guy gets a knock on the door and sees a cop outside.
The cop holds out a photograph and asks him "Sir, is this your wife ?"
He says, "Well yes it is" .
The cop says, "I hate to tell you this but it looks like she was hit by a bus".
Guy says, "Oh I know it, but she's got a good heart"

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 2


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## Kevin

Little Johnny returned from school and saying he got an 'F' in Math.
"Why?" asked his father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!", said his dad, upset at the injustice.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f*@#%! difference?" asked his dad.
Little Johnny replied "That's exactly what I said!"


Little Mary was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Mary?"
"My goldfish died," replied Mary tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Mary patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."


Little Mary was out in the garden with her father, when she noticed two spiders 'mating'. What kind of spider is that daddy? She asked.. Well that's a Daddy Longlegs Mary.. Oh she said, that means the 'other' one is a Mommy Longlegs? No replied her father the other one is a Daddy Longlegs too!! Perplexed at this answer, she stared at the two spiders for a few minutes, then slammed her foot down squashing them both into the grass... WELL!!! she said... There'll be none of THAT in THIS garden!!!



A door-to-door salesman comes-a-knocking and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers, a beer in one hand and a lit cigar in the other.
The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mommy home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the hell do you think?"

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Kenbo

I was recently diagnosed as being a kleptomaniac, and when the symptoms get really bad, I take something for it.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodtickgreg

Man I really liked the one about the gold fish, I literally laughed out loud.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike1950

*The Geography of a Woman*


*Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered,
half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!*


*Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and
open to trade, especially for someone of real value.*


*Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.*


*Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging
but still a warm and desirable place to visit.*


*Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ,
with a glorious and all conquering past.*


*Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war,
doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business*


*Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada ,
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.*


*After 70, she becomes Tibet .Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and*

*the wisdom of the ages.An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.*



*THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN*


*Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea ,
ruled by a pair of nuts.*

Reactions: Like 5


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## Kenbo

I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## Kevin

I can relate to that. So can I. Me too. Shut up he's talking to me. No he hates you he's talking to me . . . . .

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Kevin

Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll?

A: All Ken's stuff.

Reactions: Like 2


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## Kevin

I'm really stuck on the little Johnny jokes tonight sorry....

Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their holidays. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer.
"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota," he said.
"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher
said, "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny thought about it and said, "Come to think of
it, we went to Iowa."

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 1


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## Kevin

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'm gonna go play in my room for a couple of hours. I sure would like a piece of cake after though!
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Wow!, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing
first!"

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Kevin

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!!
The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"
Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"

Reactions: Like 1


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## Kenbo

Kevin said:


> Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"
> Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!!
> The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"
> Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"





Oh Oh......they're getting worse folks.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Kevin

I agree I better quit for now lol.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Johnturner

A duck walks into a drug store and says give me some Chapstick - put it on my bill!!!

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2


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## Kevin

Johnturner said:


> A duck walks into a drug store and says give me some Chapstick - put it on my bill!!!



I love that! My favorite kind of jokes are short, witty, clean, and make me quack up with laughter.

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## Molokai



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Kevin



Reactions: Like 4


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## woodtickgreg

First let me say I am half polish, and my wife is full pollock. We where watching a show on tv and this guy was half indian and half pollock.
I couldn't help my self, I just blurted out " chief running dummy" Sometimes my filter doesn't work. But we both had a good laugh over that one. No disrespect meant to anyone, we should be able to laugh at ourselves, imo.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Kevin

woodtickgreg said:


> . . . I am half polish, and my wife is full pollock.



You're married to a fish? 

I guess if there's anyone that cannot spell their own ethnic group it would have to be a polack pollock. 

And you're right about being able to laugh at ourselves - and each other sometimes too.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Brink

Ground hog day

Reactions: Like 2


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## woodtickgreg

Wow, that brings back memories, my mom used to make me sandwiches with that stuff for me when I was a kid.


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## Kevin

woodtickgreg said:


> Wow, that brings back memories, my mom used to make me sandwiches with that stuff for me when I was a kid.


That explains a few things.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

I don't know if this is true, but it ought to be.

Reactions: Like 4


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## Tclem



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5


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## Kevin




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## Kevin

And one for Tony . . . .

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike1950

Those are good!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Tclem

Kevin said:


> View attachment 41909
> 
> View attachment 41914
> 
> View attachment 41915
> 
> View attachment 41916
> 
> View attachment 41917
> 
> View attachment 41918
> 
> View attachment 41919
> 
> View attachment 41920
> 
> View attachment 41921
> 
> 
> And one for Tony . . . .
> View attachment 41922


Thanks for thinking I me Kevin. I learned my lesson

Reactions: Like 1


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## Molokai

Here we have jokes about Mujo and Haso. Here is one, translated by me...

Mujo and Haso smuggling skunk over the border. 
Mujo: where to hide him?
Haso: i dont know, put it in your pants
Mujo: but it stinks
Haso: i dont care. Let him die

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Molokai

Mujo and Fata in the zoo in front of gorilla cage. Cmon Fata, show some boob to gorilla, says Mujo.
She shows it a little. The gorilla likes it.
Cmon Fata show him some more. She shows one boob completely. The gorilla starts to shakes the bars.
Cmon Fata show him some more. She shows both of her boobs and the gorilla breaks the bars and starts chasing here.
Mujo help me!!! Fata screams.
and Mujo responds.
Now you explain him you have a headache!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Molokai

Fata goes to hospital to visit sick Mujo. She takes a taxi. When taxi arrives she realizes that she doesnt have any money. The taxi driver tells her. Sing one nice song or we are going to have sex.
Later in a hospital Fata explains to Mujo what has happened.
Mujo : and what song did you sing? 
Fata: i dont feel like singing when you are in hospital.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## wombat

True story...
So I was at the Cat & Fiddle pub and overheard this bloke talking to his mate saying " I'm trying to drink more during the week, so I don't binge on the weekends." Now that's true Aussie logic!! :)

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Hawker 1

The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.? So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."

"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 5


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## bluedot

An elderly gentleman was stopped by the police around 2 A.M. and was asked where he was going at that time of night?
The man replied "I'm on my way to listen to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body , as well as smoking cheap cigars and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
He replied, "That would be my wife."

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Mills

*A priest says to his friend, a rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say, 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."

The rabbi is impressed, and says, "Let's try it together this evening."

So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says, "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

And the rabbi adds, "And we are still waiting for the change!"*

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Hawker 1

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

Breast-fed, she replied. Well, strip down to your waist, the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.

I know, she said, I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6


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## Molokai

Why women live longer ? Because they dont have a wife !!!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Kevin

Molokai said:


> Why women live longer ? Because they dont have a wife !!!



Some do.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Hawker 1

Employee NOTICE
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE ( Retire Aged People Early)
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination). 
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired - Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.
Proposed and demanded by THE PRESIDENT OF THESE HERE UNITED STATES OF THE SOCIALIST REPULIC OF AMERICRAKER.


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## Kevin

Ewe, that's brutal.


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## Tclem

Doesn't it feel this way sometimes? 
@Kevin did this post do better

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Tclem



Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## Kenbo

Tclem said:


> View attachment 43248


For the record........this applies to Canada too.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## EricJS

This may have already been shared, but the humor is excellent! It's an Amazon ad - look at the product and price - then *scroll down & read the reviews:

http://www.amazon.com/Samsung-UN85S9-85-Inch-Ultra-120Hz/dp/B00CMEN95U*

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. 
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodtickgreg

Litterally laughing out loud all by myself. Glad I wasn't drinking coffee.

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13

EricJS said:


> This may have already been shared, but the humor is excellent! It's an Amazon ad - look at the product and price - then *scroll down & read the reviews:
> 
> http://www.amazon.com/Samsung-UN85S9-85-Inch-Ultra-120Hz/dp/B00CMEN95U*




LOL!!!
Q: Will the Amazon drone deliver this?
A: Actually, I believe that Optimus Prime will deliver it for you and have Bumblebee set it up for you...


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## Molokai



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Kevin

Ohhhh that's mean. But funny. You know what they say about surviving a bear attack. You don't have to be a fast runner. Just faster than your slowest buddy. :-D

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## rdnkmedic

Yep, just like the guys on the bomb squad. If you see them running, try to keep up.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Tclem

Hmmm this is so true.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Mills

ripjack13 said:


> ...........
> .....A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife".


 
I thought this was really funny and emailed it to my son, a techie type, here is his response.


* Ha! Tapping my wifi is probably the more serious offense. :)*

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Kevin

Mike Mills said:


> I thought this was really funny and emailed it to my son, a techie type, here is his response.
> 
> 
> * Ha! Tapping my wifi is probably the more serious offense. :)*



You can catch a nasty virus either way.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Mills

OK, not a joke but read the cake carefully. 
This was ordered from Walmart for someone who was moving away.





The conversation may have gone something like this..............

Walmart: "Hello, 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?
Customer: "I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week."
Walmart: "What do you want on da cake?"
Customer: "I would like it to say _'Best Wishes Suzanne'_ and underneath that _'We will miss you'_".

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Kenbo

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Holy crap, that's funny!!!!!


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## LSCG

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan. and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

Father then asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles.
Ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle'.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## LSCG

http://i800.Rule #2/albums/yy290/lonestarcustomgrips/funny/user6325_pic18837_1244718272_zps1a5704ee.jpg

http://i800.Rule #2/albums/yy290/lonestarcustomgrips/funny/diy-50-cal-humvee-50-cal-gun-demotivational-poster-1204491460_zpse18b15c8.jpg

http://i800.Rule #2/albums/yy290/lonestarcustomgrips/funny/10egduf_zps6c67e5eb.jpg

http://i800.Rule #2/albums/yy290/lonestarcustomgrips/funny/15fk7bo_zpsd27bc770.jpg

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## LSCG

http://i800.Rule #2/albums/yy290/lonestarcustomgrips/funny/24489_1238948253745_1230421482_30624356_3339743_n_zps17b718fb.jpg
http://i800.Rule #2/albums/yy290/lonestarcustomgrips/funny/128_zps761aedb0.jpg
http://i800.Rule #2/albums/yy290/lonestarcustomgrips/funny/633750082861995010-shoplifters_zps466c3ae2.jpg

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Bow? What bow?

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 5 | Informative 1


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## Fret440

This has probably been posted, but since I haven't read the whole thing...

(For the record, I don't have a political affiliation, but I do have a sense of humor.)



A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care, they turned you down.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Fret440

Doesn't look safe. They're not wearing glasses...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Tclem

Can you believe them clowns. Thought that was joe and ray


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## Tclem

Disclaimer: I am register to a political party but I think all parties (politicians ) are full of it

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## Brink

Man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist gets the novacane, the man tells him "no way, I'm deathly afraid of needles".
The dentist gets a mask for some nitrous... Man tells him, " no way, the last time you gave me that I was f'd up for a week"
The dentist goes in the other room, comes back with two pills and a glass of water.
The man asks what it is, doc tells him it's Viagra....
The man says "I didn't know Viagra is good for pain".
The dentist says " it isn't, I'm just giving something to hang on to while I pull that tooth."

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

_If your dental appointment lasts longer than 4 hours, consult your sheriff immediately . . . . . _

Reactions: Funny 3


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## TimR

Need some welding done..I hadn't heard this in a while, but found the video, even better...

Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

THAT IS AWESOME LMAO!!!!!!!


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## Kevin

To fully appreciate it you really need to understand welding but even if you don't it's still a hoot I listened twice.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## LoneStar

Funny video. Reminds me of a lady in north Mississippi that ran Flicks Truck Stop and Restaurant in Red Banks. She had a big long spiel she used to rattle off on the CB all day. "We feed truckers and farmers, hobos, housewives and unwed fathers.If you don't like our food we'll give your money back, even though we know you're lying." 
Whatever she had to say, she always ended with "don't forget the nanner nanner nanner nanner nanner nanner puddin".

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Mills

That was so funny I had to send the link to my brother. Dad was a welder.


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## Mike1950

Two Vermonters are drinking in a bar. 

One says to the other, "Did you know that elks have sex ten to fifteen times a day?" 

"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"

Reactions: Funny 4


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## bluedot

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother."I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do" his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house. "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

http://i.Rule #2/2BnRGH6.gif

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Kevin

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair . . . . . 

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it . . . . . 

99 little bugs in the code, 99 little bugs. Take one down, patch it around, 117 little bugs in the code . . . . . 

Did you hear about the psychic midget that robbed a bank? Now there's a small medium at large . . . . . 

It's always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they're always taking things literally . . . . . 

ಠ_ಠ

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Wildthings

oops!!


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## shadetree_1

Saw this on the net today,

Man decides to buy his wife a mood ring because he could never tell what kind of a mood she was in, to hear the wife tell it; she said they found out that when she was in a good mood the ring turned green, and when she was in a bad mood the ring left a big ****ing red mark on his forehead, maybe next time he'll get her a diamond.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Molokai



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Johnturner

The vet tells a woman that her dog needs to have a part of his fur removed - The Vet tells her the best way to do that is with Nair hair remover. The woman goes to the druggist and orders some Nair. The druggist says if you are going to use that on your legs you shouldn't wear stockings for a few days. The woman says I'm not using it on my legs. The druggist says if your using it for your underarms you shouldn't use deodorant for a few days. The woman says I'm not using it under my arms. The woman says if you must know its for my Schnauzer! The druggist says then you shouldn't ride your bike for a few days.

Reactions: Funny 8 | Creative 1


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## Johnturner

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity...I can't put it down.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Molokai



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Molokai



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## Molokai



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Kevin



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Molokai



Reactions: Funny 8


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## karjoe

A cop is hiding in the bushes just past a stop sign, and he sees a man in a red sports car slow down, then go through the stop. So he pulls him over, gets out and tells the driver he went through the stop sign without stopping.
Well, the driver is upset, and he says "Oh, come on, I slowed down, then went. What's the difference?"
"What's the difference!" exclaims the cop. I'll show you what the difference is! Get out of the car, put your hands on the hood!"
So the driver does, and the cop proceeds to take out his nightstick and furiously beat him all over.
"Now" says the cop, "do you want me to slow down, or do you want me to come to a complete stop?"

Reactions: Funny 6


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## shadetree_1

I know the voices in my head aren't real----- but man do they come up with some good ideas!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Schroedc

shadetree_1 said:


> I know the voices in my head aren't real----- but man do they come up with some good ideas!



I've learned to just go ahead and do what the voices in my wife's head tell me to........

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## shadetree_1

Smart man!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Jones

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. 

Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you? 

Negative, maam. Just serious by nature. 

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, It looks like you have seen a lot of action. 

Yes, maam, a lot of action. 

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself. 

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, You know, I hope you dont take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex? 

1955, maam. 

Well, there you are. No wonder youre so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me. 

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to relax him several times. 

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, Wow, you sure didnt forget much since 1955. 

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, I hope not; its only 2130 now.

Reactions: Funny 12


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## ripjack13

http://i.Rule #2/bi4eilo.gif
Girl vs vacuum.


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## Mike1950

After Mike's above I had to post this one-don't take it political- it is funny.

Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua.


But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.


With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was
most certainly to follow.


"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.


"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.


He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"


And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"


One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his
jog!


As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.


He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State.


As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.


Sure enough, there was the hooker!


Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.


Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... "See what you get for five bucks!?"



_I don't care who you are, this is funny_

Reactions: Funny 12


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## bluedot

my wife and I were sitting around the table having breakfast and reflecting on life. I told here that when I die she should sell all my stuff immediately . She asked why she should do that? I said "you will probably remarry and I do not want some other a--hole using my stuff." Her reply " What makes you think I would marry another a--hole."

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Mike1950

"Have you ever seen Twenty dollars all crumpled up?" the woman asked her husband. 

"No." he replied. 

She gave a coy smile, unbuttoned the 3 top buttons of her blouse, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled $20 note. 

He took the note from her, and smiled approvingly. 

"Well...Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up....?" she now asked her husband. 

"No... No, I haven't." he said, with a somewhat anxious tone to his voice. 

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, reached into her panties..... and pulled out a crumpled $50 note. 

He took the crumpled note and started breathing a little quicker in anticipation. 

"Now!" she asked "have you ever seen $30,000 all crumpled up?" 

"No, Never." he replied, while becoming even more aroused and excited. 
.
.
.
.
.
"Well" she said, "... go and look in the garage!".

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 5


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## Kevin




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## Johnturner




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## Mike1950

*Subject:* *Amish elevator.....*

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....


'Go get your Mother'​

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike1950

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. 

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun....
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," 
he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 
"What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 
"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 
"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior gives him 5 bucks and goes back to sleep.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Kevin

I'd rather be in the balloon than one of the outhouses  . . . . 



 

Whoever gets the cleanup is going to have a crappy job.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> I'd rather be in the balloon than one of the outhouses  . . . .
> 
> View attachment 53751
> 
> Whoever gets the cleanup is going to have a crappy job.




That is funny- If you have ever rode in a balloon -the take off is pretty mellow- The landing- More like a crash, the basket falls over and if you are lucky it stops right there- if not-you drag across the ground for a ways. Tradition after you land is a glass of champagne- something considerably stronger would be more appropriate.


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## Kevin

A balloon ride is something I always wanted to do but never did. I bet it would be a blast. Even better to jump out of one from about 10,000 MSL

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> A balloon ride is something I always wanted to do but never did. I bet it would be a blast. Even better to jump out of one from about 10,000 MSL



We have a herd of elk that live in the hills behind us. They were in a secluded meadow and the pilot lowered us down till we were probably 3-400' above them. They knew something was amiss but just milled around and never did figure out what happened as we coasted by them until he hit the gas. My advise- do not do it on a 90 degree day- damn things are HOT.........and there aint much shade. It was fun.......

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. 
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". 
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." 
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guys says 
"OK, now what?"

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Kevin

Vegetarians, if you love animals so much then why do you keep eating all their food?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Kenbo

A British sea captain was sailing with his crew when the spotted a pirate ship in the distance, closing in fast and ready for battle. The captain called out "BRING ME MY RED SHIRT"!!! The battle was fierce and several men were lost, but in the end, the British ship was triumphant. A week or two later, the British ship spotted 2 pirate ships. They were closing in fast and ready for battle. The captain called out "BRING ME MY RED SHIRT"!!!!! The battle, once again, was fierce and there were several more sailers lost but the pirates were defeated. One of the deck hands asked the captain the purpose of the red shirt......the captain replied that the red shirt was in case he was injured in battle. The colour of the shirt would hide his injuries and his crew would continue to fight bravely, in the name of the Queen and for the dignity of the ship and of England. Two weeks passed, and the British ship spotted 15 pirate ships, closing in fast, and ready for battle. The crew, all looked to the captain, waiting for his usual instruction. At that point, the captain called out........"BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS"!!!!!!!!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Kevin

Lol I think I told that one a page or three back Ken - still just as funny.


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## Kenbo

Kevin said:


> Lol I think I told that one a page or three back Ken - still just as funny.




Dammit!!!! And here I thought I was bringing something useful to the forum..........

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## woodtickgreg

Kenbo said:


> Dammit!!!! And here I thought I was bringing something useful to the forum..........


You did, I laughed out loud, again!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1


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## Mike1950

*An idea worth exploring….*


*

*


*Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.... Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell - they don't serve food anymore, so what's the loss?*


*The strippers would triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every
businessman in the country would start flying again, expecting to see naked women.*


*Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. The tips would be so good we could charge the 'ladies' for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."*


*Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.*


*This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.*


*Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this?*


*Why do I still have to do everything myself?*


*Sincerely,*


*Bill Clinton*

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 6


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## Molokai

one for the pen turners

Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodtickgreg

Makes me want to turn pens..............

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Brink

I smelled mothballs for the first time....

What do you use to hold there little legs apart?

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Johnturner

I was wondering why the baseball was getting so big......



....then it hit me!!!!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Molokai



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Johnturner

Dear whoever stole my copy of MICROSOFT OFFICE

 - I will track you down. You have my Word.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Brink



Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Jameson (my grandson) kept chasing burl around yesterday. So I said to him...."For the love of Pete, stop chasing Burl."

His response...."I'm not Pete. Who's Pete? Is he coming over to play with me and Burl?"

Shook my head.....the things kids come up with.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Brink

A fellow is walking along, sees a ladder. Next to it is a sign that says " climb the ladder to success".
He gets to the top, there's a pretty woman who says "you can make love to me, or climb the ladder to success"
So, he climbs the ladder. At the top is a very, very attractive woman, who says "you can make love to me, or climb the ladder to success"
Intrigued by this he climbs up.
At the top is the most beautiful woman, worthy of any mans fantasy, and as you guess, she says "you can make love to me, or climb the ladder to success"
The women just keep getting better looking, so he climbs up.
At the top is a grungy guy, wearing gravy stained shirt and boxers, puffing on a cigar.
The man asks "who are you?"
He replies, "I'm Cecil"

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Brink

Joe has been having migraines for some time, each time they get worse.
After seeing specialist after specialists, meds, acupuncture, even psychotherapy, there's no relief.
Finally, a new medical group finds that if they remove his testicles, he will be cured. Racked in misery, and desperate for relief, he has the surgery.

And the migraines disappear.

But Joe, now living pain free, just doesn't feel like his old self. Something is missing, he feels less manly.

Taking a walk, he decides that a new suit might boost his spirits. He stops into Sol's suit shop. Old Sol, looks Joe up and down, says let's start with 44 regular coat, 38 pants, and 16 regular shirt.

Joe's amazed, those are his exact sizes. Sol tells him "I've been doing this 45 years... I know my business"

A little sizing and stitching, and Joe has a perfect fitting new suit. Joe decides to get some new underwear. Sol says "no problem, I'll get you some extra large"
Joe proclaimed "Ha! Your wrong! I wear large". Sol replies, " I've been doing this 45 years...I know my business"
Joe tells him " I wear large, I've always worn large" 
Sol replies " I've been doing this 45 years...I know my business, if you want large, wear large, but I warn you, it will put pressure on your testicles and give you terrible migraines."

Reactions: Funny 9


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## ripjack13

Hahahahahahahahahaaa


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## Johnturner

Brink

The Joe was was very funny but I will admit I don't get the Cecil one????

John

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## ripjack13

Cess is a nickname for cecil..(sess)

Reactions: Informative 2


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## Johnturner

OOOOH I get it! Thanks


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## Brink

Johnturner said:


> OOOOH I get it! Thanks



Mee too


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## Kevin

Brink said:


> Mee too



In your dreams.


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## Brink

Kevin said:


> In your dreams.



No, really, I thought if I posted the joke, someone would explain the punchline.

10 years been trying to figure this one out.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Brink

We hired two brothers who lived on the other side of the river. It took them hours to walk to work each day. After a few months, they saved enough money to buy a donkey. Now they could ride to the job.

One day, they came walking in a couple hours late. I ask where's their donkey? 

They replied " when we got to the toll booth on the bridge, some guy yells out " look at the two a-holes on that donkey", when we climbed off to take a look, the donkey ran away"

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Brink

I don't like public men's rooms.

It seems to be the place where the dicks hang out.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin



Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 8


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## Johnturner




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## DKMD

An orthopedic surgeon is hurriedly trying to get through with work, so he can catch a flight to a golfing trip with some friends. He makes it to the airport with little time to spare, rushes into the terminal, and barely gets his golf bag checked before running to his gate. While rushing through the terminal, he realizes he's got a couple of golf balls in his hand that he failed to put in the bag. He slides the balls into his front pocket as he boards the plane.

Once aboard the plane, he slides into his seat, and the woman seated next to him engages in a little small talk. They talk about their respective jobs, and he notices that she glances at the bulge in his front pocket. 

As they continue to talk, he notices that she continues to look. Pointing at his pocket, he says, 'Golf balls.' The woman pauses for a moment, and then asks, 'Is that anything like tennis elbow?'

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Brink



Reactions: Funny 3


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## DKMD

Where's the eye rolling emoticon when you need it?

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13

http://woodbarter.com/threads/wheres-all-the-smilies.13177/

Reactions: Like 1


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## SubVet10

911: 911, what's your emergency?
Redneck: I needa ambalance. Dude jus' got heet by uh car.
911: where are you at, sir?
Redneck:Seekamo Street (Sycamore)
911: Can you spell that...?
Redneck: S-y-k... S-i-c-k.. I tell yall whut, I take him over to Lee Street, yall pick him up there. 

Why doesn't the "Broken Escalator: OOS" sign say "Temporarily Stairs"

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Brink

Down at the shore, I'm failing miserably at attracting the ladies. Sitting alone at the tiki bar, this boardwalk Casanova gives me some advice.
He tells me to get a pair of Speedos, but when I wear them, tuck a fair sized potato in them. The women will go wild. 

I tried it, and it didn't work. In fact, my luck was worse.

Then my new found buddy told me to put the potato down the front.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Kevin

Brink said:


> Down at the shore, I'm failing miserably at attracting the ladies. Sitting alone at the tiki bar, this boardwalk Casanova gives me some advice.
> He tells me to get a pair of Speedos, but when I wear them, tuck a fair sized potato in them. The women will go wild.
> 
> I tried it, and it didn't work. In fact, my luck was worse.
> 
> Then my new found buddy told me to put the potato down the front.



Another tip there apeman is not to use a tater tot.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## kweinert

I was assaulted in an elevator by a busty woman.

I was staring at her breasts and she said "Press One, please."

I did.

Next thing I remember was waking up to the sight of a paramedic.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


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## Mike Jones

CORRECT PUNCTUATION IS IMPORTANT.... for example:

You Fed The Dog.

You F'ed The Dog.

Reactions: Funny 6 | Useful 1


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## ripjack13

Let's eat, grandma. <--correct
Let's eat grandma. <--incorrect

incorrect comma usage can kill...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13

A prostitute came up and asked me if I like to party. I said yes. She asked how much and I said I own three Hawaiian shirts....

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950

Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn't know ...
Where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. 
A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Fred. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Kevin




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## Brink

Kevin said:


> Another tip there apeman is not to use a tater tot.



Nope, use a bag of tots.


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## Kevin

_Oh no. Sally don't look now but here comes lumpy again. Let's act like we don't see him and leave before he gets to our table . . . . . _

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Brink

Hahaha, lumpy. 
Imagine a Baggie of tots down the back of a pair of speedos.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Kevin

Brink said:


> Hahaha, lumpy.
> Imagine a Baggie of tots down the back of a pair of speedos.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## Brink



Reactions: Like 2


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## SENC

*The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then, one night while watching Fox News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-*grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!

“I've got to get this guy!” Coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”

“I don't want to talk to you,” the old woman says. “You are not my son!”

“I don't think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!” The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

“I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago.”

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## SENC

*Coffee and Testicles*
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." 
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says,
"Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from8:00 am to 4:00 pm.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks,
"If the work hours are from8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 11


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## SubVet10

I don't see my doctor anymore. 
Since I am a Conservative, Christian Veteran every time I go to the airport I get a free physical, and breast exam and hernia check. 
Once a year I'll mention the Constitution during conversation and receive a complimentary colonoscopy.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## SENC

More a truth than a joke, but funny nonetheless...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6 | Funny 2


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## Brink

Old timer goes to the doctor.
Tells him he has constant gas. It doesn't make a sound, and there's no odor. Just constantly gassy.
Doc gives him a prescription, says take these pills for a week, then come back and see me.

A week later, the old guy goes to the doc, furious. Wants to know what was in the pills that made his gas smell so bad.

Doc tells him,"now that we have your sinuses cleared up, we can work on your hearing".

Reactions: Funny 7


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1 | Sincere 1


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## NYWoodturner

Randy that was funny as hell. I would put my big Shepherd in one of those if they came up for sale

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodtickgreg

Man they do some funny stuff! Watched a few others.


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## Mike Jones

According to a news report, a certain school in Northern California was 
recently faced with a unique problem. 

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would 
put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after hey put on their 
lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of 
little lip prints. 

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the 
girls would put them back. 

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called 
all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance 
man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem 
for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. 

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked 
the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. 

He took out a long-handled brush/squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and 
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on 
the mirror. 

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY.. 

There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mike1950

NOW that is funny!!!!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Mike1950

*The new, new, new math*


The new, new, new math

1. Teaching Math In 1950s (when I was in school)
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? Yes or No

4. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2000s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok).

6. Teaching Math In 2014
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm.

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 9


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## kweinert

Here's some guidance for those of you still looking for that Special Person:

Reactions: Funny 5 | Informative 1


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## Kevin

Ken that was worth watching. Hilarious.

P.S. My wife laughed out loud you are not banned.

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## woodtickgreg

That's just funny right there!


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## Tony

That was awesome; can't stop laughing! The Hot/Crazy Scale was featured on the TV show "How i Met Your Mother" in a hilarious episode. It was simpler and didn't include the best part (unicorn), but was still pretty good. TA


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## Schroedc

My wife just watched the video and realized she goofed on the man chart.....

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Jones

(Mods, this is not political!)


Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Texan?
Here is a little test that will help you decide. 

You're walking down a 
deserted street with your wife 
and two small children. 

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife 
comes around the corner, 
locks eyes with you, 
screams obscenities, 
raises the knife, and charges at you... 

You are carrying a 
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. 
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. 
What do you do? 
THINK CAREFULLY AND 
THEN SCROLL DOWN: 


Democrat's Answer: 

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! 
What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP? 
Does the man look poor or oppressed? 
Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling? 
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? 
Could we run away? 
What does my wife think? 
What about the kids? 
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? 
What does the law say about this situation? 
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it? 
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? 
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? 
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? 
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? 
Should I call 9-1-1? 
Why is this street so deserted? 
We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day. 
Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. 
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus. 
This is all so confusing! 

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........ ......... .. 
Republican's Answer: 

BANG! 


............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........ ...... 

Texan's Answer: 

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG! 
Click..... (Sounds of reloading) 
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 
BANG! 
BANG! 
BANG! 
Click 

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!' 
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! 

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!' 

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 8


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## Mike1950




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## ripjack13

Had to go to the E.R. today. 
Not a fun experience.
Don’t worry, I’m going to be OK but, I really must warn you -
The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.
Great, now I have to spend the weekend interviewing for a home care nurse!

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Mike1950




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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike1950

TWO CATHOLIC PARROTS
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.'...
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment......
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!

Reactions: Funny 15


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 11


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## Brink

We went apple picking at Dikens farm last weekend. Lovely day, sunny, crisp air.
Afterwards we went for cider donuts and cups of warm spiced cider.
Not many people getting donuts, but the line of women for cider nearly reached the next county.
Then I realized how many women enjoy a hot Dikens cider.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Schroedc

Brink said:


> We went apple picking at Dikens farm last weekend. Lovely day, sunny, crisp air.
> Afterwards we went for cider donuts and cups of warm spiced cider.
> Not many people getting donuts, but the line of women for cider nearly reached the next county.
> Then I realized how many women enjoy a hot Dikens cider.



Where is the "groan" button?

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Molokai

This olive tree guarded by dog...

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Tony

View attachment 60416


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## Tony

Sorry guys, tried to upload this earlier from my phone, but that one didn't work. TA

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

Well they obviously haven't seen my girlfriends wife.

Reactions: Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## SENC

Kevin said:


> Well they obviously haven't seen my girlfriends wife.


:shrug:

Reactions: Like 1


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## Brink

Joe goes next door and rings the door bell. Mary opens the door, and Joe asks if she would lift up her shirt so he could take a look for $500.
Mary looks around and lifts her shirt for him. Joe gives her the money and leaves.

A few minutes later, Mary's husband asks who was at the door?
Mary tells him it was the neighbor, Joe.
Mary's husband asks if by any chance, did he drop off the $500 he owed him.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13

So my wife and her friend were talking and her friend asked how long we have been together. Michele says 9 years. And her friend asks what the secret to us staying together. Michele says,
He's been in the shop for 8 of em....

Reactions: Funny 11 | Way Cool 1


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## Kenbo

I could use some help with a friend of mine as he needs a place to stay.
The other night, his wife was frustrated with him and told him to go to the drug store and get some of those pills that would give him an erection.
When he returned, he handed her a bottle of diet pills.



Once he gets out of the hospital, he's going to need a place to live for sure.

Reactions: Funny 14


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## Kevin




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## Kevin



Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13




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## Molokai

Oldie but goldie

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Brink

That's not a monkey!


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## justallan

Okay, not a joke but a true story for you all.
About 8 years ago the my ex-girlfriend and myself were driving around the small town we were living looking for a place to get something notarized when we drive by a taxidermist shop. She starts telling me to pull over, that we could get it done there. When I asked her why she thought they would notarize anything she gives a stupid look and says, "Well obviously they notarize you idiot, they do taxes."
I will add that she's a good enough lady that she even laughed when I set her straight on it.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

I remember this song from when I was a kid, but I never saw this video that I can recall. This is hilarious especially beginning halfway through when he starts doing the dance. . . .

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2


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## Brink

Joke or music thread? It's funny, like a joke, but music, like music, too.



Kevin said:


> I remember this song from when I was a kid, but I never saw this video that I can recall. This is hilarious especially beginning halfway through when he starts doing the dance. . . .


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## Kevin

I thought it was better for a laugh than a good music listen.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> I remember this song from when I was a kid, but I never saw this video that I can recall. This is hilarious especially beginning halfway through when he starts doing the dance. . . .



Oh man, that is rich! I remember the song but have never seen the video, that is AWESOME!!! Can't stop laughing...........

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Johnturner

OK - This woman walks into a butcher shop and asks for a Long Island duck. The butcher hands her a duck and she sniffs the duck's rear end and says "That is not a Long Island duck" This goes on for several different ducks -each time the woman does the same thing and says "That is not a Long Island Duck." Finally she says to the butcher "You're new here aren't you? Where are you from?" The butcher promptly bends over with his bottom facing the woman and says "You tell me."

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Kenbo

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 62014


Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Kevin

Kenbo said:


> Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.



I am an odd mixture of both curiosity and laziness. I need to partner with someone who has too much time on their hands so we can count the ha ha's in Ken's laughter.

Reactions: Like 1


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## SENC

If you were just 22 more ml short of a six pack, you'd be the equivalent.



Kevin said:


> I am an odd mixture of both curiosity and laziness. I need to partner with someone who has too much time on their hands so we can count the ha ha's in Ken's laughter.

Reactions: Creative 1


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## Kevin

SENC said:


> If you were just 22 more ml short of a six pack, you'd be the equivalent.



Hey no fair using word count feature you are as lazy as me. Only smarter.


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## SENC

Kevin said:


> Hey no fair using word count feature you are as lazy as me. Only smarter.


Seems your cornbread wasn't cooked all the way through.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kevin

SENC said:


> Seems your cornbread wasn't cooked all the way through.



Nor stabilized.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kenbo

Kevin said:


> Nor stabilized.


Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. 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Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. . Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. . Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. . Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. . Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. . Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

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## Kevin

Kenbo said:


> Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. . Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. . Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. . Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. . Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. . Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. . Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

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## Kenbo

Kevin said:


>

Reactions: Like 2


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## SENC

2711


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## Kevin



Reactions: Like 2


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

SENC said:


> 2711



How many of them are capitol H's though?

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## SENC

ripjack13 said:


> How many of them are capitol H's though?


None.

There are, however, quite a few capital Hs.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

_*doh!*_


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## justallan

I heard this one from a friend about ten years ago and have to try it.
Say you're going down the highway and your co-pilot, navigator, partner in crime or whatever you wish to call the person riding shotgun falls asleep leaving you to talk to yourself, well there's an easy cure for that.
What you do is get on a good long straight away, (just to keep things safe) and start making a little noise to wake you friend up. Keep a good eye on them and just as soon as they start to raise their head, you drop yours back and rolled over and start kind of snoring.
Not only will they stay awake the entire trip, but they will make darn sure you have plenty of things to talk about also.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Tony

One time in High School 3 of us were taking a road trip and one guy fell asleep. We pulled into a truck stop, pulled right up where we were facing a rig and all started screaming. He woke up in a hurry!

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## Kevin

I had a buddy that liked to jump in the back seat and leave the passenger to slide over and take the wheel. I fell for it the first time but the second time I just stayed put and laughed. He hopped back over the seat and never did it to me again. Spanky I know you are still out there you crazy nut.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

As an Android user, I finally gave in and bought my first Apple device. I have to say I'm impressed, even if it only has a single-core processor...

http://i.Rule #2/UwQ8ZUE.jpg

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 13


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## Kenbo

ripjack13 said:


> As an Android user, I finally gave in and bought my first Apple device. I have to say I'm impressed, even if it only has a single-core processor...
> 
> http://i.Rule #2/UwQ8ZUE.jpg


Okay, that right there........is funny.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## SENC

From the "Moms Against Everything" facebook page... worth a visit if you need a few satire-induced laughs.

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## Kevin

Moms Against Everything - don't they have a umbrella organization called Mom's Against Moms?

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## Brink

Kevin said:


> Moms Against Everything - don't they have a umbrella organization called Mom's Against Moms?



I think I heard of a web site about that.


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## SENC

Brink said:


> I think I heard of a web site about that.


Loving the new avatar, Brink!


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## JR Custom Calls

Brink said:


> I think I heard of a web site about that.


Pretty sure that one is moms ON moms... and they call them milfs, whatever that means


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## ripjack13

My irriating leftist friend?


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## ripjack13

Maybe it looks fun?


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## ripjack13

My insignificant loser friend?


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## ripjack13

Oh....sorry...we are talking about brink....so...it's really...
Monkeys in ladies footwear...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Molokai



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 10


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## Mike1950

Tom you just mapped my wife in Costco!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Tony

Mike we must be married to the same woman!


Mike1950 said:


> Tom you just mapped my wife in Costco!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## CodyS

The 2nd one actually matches my shopping pattern a lot better...


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## woodtickgreg

What's shopping? I just get what I need when I need it, LOL.


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 14


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## woodtickgreg

The last one is the funniest!


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## ButchC



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Johnturner

As the Butcher said when he handed me the empty frankfurter, "Happy Hollow Weenie!"


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## Alan Sweet

For mature audiences. Google banned skittles commercials. You tube has about 20.


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## SENC

Great beer ad (clean)...

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2


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## kweinert

I found this pretty amusing:






I really enjoyed how some of the folks really got in to the whole thing.

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Molokai

i wanted to post that dog dressed as a spider prank but you have seen it probably on YT ? 
wth, here it is...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodtickgreg

Awesome, still funny.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Kevin

kweinert said:


> I found this pretty amusing:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I really enjoyed how some of the folks really got in to the whole thing.



Man I really dig that!!! Love the concept. 

Can't wait until a tourist Texan happens along and the hordes come out and he drops them 1 by 1 with his glock before they realize he ain't joking.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

This is a great video!!

Reactions: Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

LMAO !!!!

Marc that was hilarious.

Reactions: Like 1


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## SENC

Copper got no sense of humor!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## LSCG

Kevin Spacey doing some pretty good impressions!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodtickgreg

Zane, that was effin funny!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950

*Subject:* *Why women make better assassins*





The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. 

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her." 

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife". 

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home". 

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." 

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home " 

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. 
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. 

Scroll down.












"The gun was loaded with blanks,” she said. "I had to kill him with the chair!

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike1950

Saw this eleswhere but could not Copy

*SHOT MY FIRST TURKEY TODAY
SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF EVERYONE IN THE FROZEN FOOD SECTION
IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mike1950

Now that is funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## LSCG

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.
Unfortunately, the wife came
down with a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested,
but she argued and said she was going
to take some aspirin and go to bed,
and there was no need for his good time
being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for
about an hour, awakened without pain and,
as it was still early enough, decided
to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what
her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband
to see how he acted when she was not
with him.
She joined the party and
soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
woman he could, and copping a little
touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and, being
a rather seductive babe herself, he left his
current partner high and dry and
devoted his time to the new babe who had just
arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished ...
naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition
in her ear and she agreed. So off they
went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight,
she slipped away, went home, put the
costume away, and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would
make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she
asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing.
You know I never have a good time when
you're not there."
- "Did you dance much?"
- "You know, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete,
Bill Browning, and some other guys, so
we went into the den and played
poker all evening.
But you're not going to
believe what happened to the
guy I loaned my costume to..."

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Kevin

Someone read that and tell me if I should laugh or groan . . . . .

Reactions: Funny 3


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## LSCG

A very tall balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California, walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000′ the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There was only $25 in your account.’

‘I know’, said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Molokai



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 9 | Way Cool 1


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## JR Custom Calls

Here's a joke for ya... http://insider.foxnews.com/2014/11/06/cops-quadruple-amputee-run-person-interest-parents-murders

A quadruple amputee that is 'on the run' and considered 'armed and dangerous'. Fox News has jokes


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## Kenbo

My Favorite Animal


Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.


My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. 
Then he told me not to do it again.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. 


The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.


She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.


I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.


Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."


Guess where the f%#k I am now...

Reactions: Funny 14


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## woodtickgreg

Kenn, that was hilarious. lmao.

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## NYWoodturner

Things Kids do that are unacceptable for adults to do...

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Brink



Reactions: Like 1


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## Kevin

Brink said:


> View attachment 63680



That's not funny monkeyman. This is funny . . . 



 

You never told us you starred in Sharknado . . . . .

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Brink

Good place for stupid monkey


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## ripjack13

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator was hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator..

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest c hampagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit Heaven.."

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before,
I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell..

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. 

What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,
*
"Yesterday we were campaigning ...

Today, you voted.*

Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Mike1950

Way too true Marc

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Kevin

Us older fogies will appreciate this . . .

Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 3


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## Kenbo

For the record.......Kim Kardashian didn't "break the internet"..........she just put a big crack in it.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

Kenbo said:


> For the record.......Kim Kardashian didn't "break the internet"..........she just put a big crack in it.




I've never actually seen it, but Tony and Henry tell me it's really big.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Kevin said:


> Us older fogies will appreciate this . . .



I LOVE THAT!!!!!!

Reactions: Like 2


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## Wildthings

PASS THE SALT!!! yeah baby!


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## SENC

Kevin said:


> I've never actually seen it, but Tony and Henry tell me it's really big.


Tony is the insider. After all it takes a big boob to know a big boob.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Mills

It work is taking it toll this week here is a little tune for tomorrow to get you to the weekend.

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

http://i.Rule #2/bEqQYsk.gif

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## SENC

SENC said:


> Tony is the insider. After all it takes a big boob to know a big boob.


I just found out how out of touch with I am with current affairs, and realize now Kenbo's reference was further south. Tony is still a better reference, but I wish I'd have stayed out of touch rather than looking for her breaking the internet photo.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Johnturner

ripjack13 said:


>






That is really funny!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Johnturner

That attached file above should not be there ignore it.


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## ripjack13

@SENC wanted me to post this for ya'll.....I'll just link it to the tube page....nsfw.


Poopy coffee... youtube.com/watch?v=RZ2_q86KZRw

Cut and paste it to your browser.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike1950

@ripjack13 - Are you tryin to ruin my  coffee

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## Johnturner

That's wrong ob so many levels!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## SENC

That's some funny s**t, I gotta say.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.

"Now what?", responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13

A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a monkey in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that monkey?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the monkey again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that monkey to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like @Brink sitting next to him.
"Are you a monkey?" asked the man, surprised.
"Yes."
"What are you doing at the movies?"
Brink replied, "Well, I liked the book."

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

The gross jokes have never been my cup of tea, or coffee for some reason. I didn't watch the coffee video I know I wouldn't enjoy it. I hope the gross ones don't gain a foothold it's hard enough having apes and monkeys in avatars I sure don't want to have to read about their antics. Apes and monkeys are gross. Let's move back to some good clean Polock or Irish jokes I'll go first here's good Texas and Irish joke together . . . . . 

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Brink

As a child, I used to stick screwdrivers in electrical outlets. One day I received a nasty shock. 
when my dad found out, he told me I was grounded.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Alan Sweet

As time passes by..

You are sitting in a local bar over a good cold brew. Thinking about bad decisions you made in life. Lost opportunities.

When a beautiful woman, gorgeous, sits down beside you. One of the top five you have seen in your life.

She says to you, " For $500 I will do anything you want, to you, over you. Anything you want. What do you say?"

You think a bit and reach for you wallet.

"Here is $500. The house needs to painted. Let me know when you are done."

And you return to your beer, wondering where you had gone wrong in life.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Alan Sweet

Larry and Jimmy worked in the same unit on the same floor. During breaks, Larry would pick on Jimmy in front of their co workers. Jimmy was single and Larry was frequently peppering him with questions about his sex life and how he was getting along with women. Jimmy being a nice person and had been dating the same woman for almost a year.

One day, at the water cooler, Jimmy announced he was getting married. Of course, Larry had all sorts of suggestions of how Jimmy should spend his wedding night. Daily he was picking on Jimmy on how he needed to go get hooker to teach him about sex.

Finally, Jimmy got married and took two weeks off.

The day Jimmy returned, Larry was waiting. At lunch, he loudly asked Jimmy, "Hey, how many times did you and your new wife make it on your wedding night? My wife and I got it on 5 times our wedding night."

Jimmy, in all innocence, answered. "My wife and I only made love once our wedding night. She was not used to it as yours." He went back to eating.

Long hiatus, and Larry left the lunch room. Never to pick on Jimmy again.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Brink

Before any one says...
Yes, he's hairy, yes he watches woodworking shows in tub.
The comparison has been made.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

I saw that last night....Michele didn't understand why it was funny...


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## Brink

I don't understand why it's funny.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodtickgreg

eweee


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## Alan Sweet

Doesn't every one watch wood working shows when taking a bath?

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Brink

I dunno, I don't like baths


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## SENC

Not a joke, but downright hilarious (and on point!)...
http://www.ijreview.com/2014/11/206...ama-schoolhouse-rock-parody-bill-becomes-law/


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## Tony

SENC said:


> Not a joke, but downright hilarious (and on point!)...
> http://www.ijreview.com/2014/11/206...ama-schoolhouse-rock-parody-bill-becomes-law/



It is hilarious and sad at the same time....

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Mike1950

BAD Parrot



A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.


Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.



Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do

everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.


As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, *"May I ask what the turkey did?"*

Reactions: Funny 14


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 4


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 2


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## bluedot

Two older couples are taking a walk after dinner, the men in front and the women trailing behind. The men's discussion turns to good places to eat. John says "I had the best meal I have ever had last week." Charlie's asks "Where was that? "I can not remember right now but If I come up with something that reminds me we might be able to guess the name. " Charlie says " OK John thinks for a bit then says " It is a pretty flower with lots of petals and smells good." "John do you mean a rose!" "Thats it " John then turns around and says "Hey Rose where did we eat out last week?"

Being old makes this story more meaningful

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

For my wife's birthday this year, I've planned a romantic night of woodworking.
I'm not sure what she'll be doing.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## SENC

ripjack13 said:


> For my wife's birthday this year, I've planned a romantic night of woodworking.
> I'm not sure what she'll be doing.


No doubt what would make her happiest on her birthday is seeing you enjoy your birthday gift. At least that's the way I see things.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> For my wife's birthday this year, I've planned a romantic night of woodworking.
> I'm not sure what she'll be doing.



Get her a nice vacuum cleaner and a new iron.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13

I just got her the shark vacuum and the iron is still good....


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> I just got her the shark vacuum and the iron is still good....



You're just making the rest of us look bad, lower the bar Dude!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## SENC

Of course, he couldn't fool Tony. Tony knew it only took 4 $20s. 


Sorry, @Tclem, but didn't want to yank your chain on FB.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tclem

SENC said:


> View attachment 64936
> 
> Of course, he couldn't fool Tony. Tony knew it only took 4 $20s.
> 
> 
> Sorry, @Tclem, but didn't want to yank your chain on FB.


It's really me doing it. I'm going to go to North Carolina next because they will never figure it out. I'll get rich up there.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00F547P6S?psc=1

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Kevin

Holy cow that's off-the-charts rank. People will do anything for a buck. 

Party scene:

_So Bob what do you do for a living?

I manufacture a line of disposable gloves for lazy people to wipe their ass called Shittens. Have you tried the rump roast yet? I cooked it myself . . . . . . _

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Brink



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## DKMD

ripjack13 said:


> http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00F547P6S?psc=1



I just added a box to my Amazon cart...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Brink

ripjack13 said:


> http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00F547P6S?psc=1



If I get these, I can fling sumthin, then have a samich

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Kevin

You people are so gross. Rip please ban Doc and Monkey. 

Wait, you started this shitty mess didn't you?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Brink

Yeah! Ban stoopid monkeys


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## ripjack13

Heh heh heh.....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Brink



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13

http://i.Rule #2/OMiVbuq.gif

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Johnturner

Oh Marc that is wrong on so many levels.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodtickgreg



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Mike1950

*Subject:* *Bill and the Genie*

Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama’s new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. 

He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew Michelle would go friggin' ballistic. 

Then Bill noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one wish." 

"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this damned dog." 

They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked. 

The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. "This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Maybe there's something else you'd like?" 

Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. 

"But I’m actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see what Hillary looks like, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?" 

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Damn Bill, let me have another look at that dog......"

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Mills

*A couple were celebrating 50 years together...

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a
Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.
'Sorry I'm running late.
I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know
how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift*."
*"Not to worry," said the father.
"Important thing is we're all together today."

Son No. 2 arrived.
"You and Mom look great, Dad.
I just flew in from LA between depositions & didn't
have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father.
"We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived.
"Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town & I was
really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
"You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.
Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but
we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said,
"WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

Yep, said the father, and Cheap ones too...*

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Kevin



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7


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## Kevin

Never heard of this guy before he's a riot . . .

Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodtickgreg

John is on the comedy channel on satellite radio often, very funny!


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## Johnturner

I've know about John Pinette for a while - my brother went to school with Pinette's brother. He passed away recently. He was very funny.


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## Kevin

Johnturner said:


> I've know about John Pinette for a while - my brother went to school with Pinette's brother. He passed away recently. He was very funny.




I did a little reading on him earlier. I thought he looked familiar but I couldn't place him. He was on the last episode of Seinfeld. Too bad he's already gone. Seems like the really funny ones die young. Pinnette, Hedberg, Kinnison the list is long.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Johnturner

Kevin said:


> I did a little reading on him earlier. I thought he looked familiar but I couldn't place him. He was on the last episode of Seinfeld. Too bad he's already gone. Seems like the really funny ones die young. Pinnette, Hedberg, Kinnison the list is long.



That episode of Sienfeld was probably John's high water mark. You're right about the good one's dying young.


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## Mike1950

Seen it before but it is still funny- sorta reminds me of a State dept of revenue guy that searched our books for 2 days to find nothing.

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## DKMD



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Kevin

I saw that recently - what does your IQ level have to be n order to do that? Not talking about the ape . . . . . . . . . .

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> I saw that recently - what does your IQ level have to be n order to do that? Not talking about the ape . . . . . . . . . .



Much less than that chimps I think.....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## woodtickgreg

I like how the chimp was like who's bad now!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 65805



I LOVE THAT!!!!!!


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## Brink

DKMD said:


>



Stupid humans

Reactions: Agree 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Kevin

​


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## Tony

Those are awesome @ripjack13 !!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950

Got to love a farmer's sense of humor!!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 12


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## DKMD

The second pic was actually taken in the OR at the hospital where I work... Apparently someone objected to the elf on a shelf idea.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## gman2431

Recently I've had suspicions of my new wife cheating on me...

Every time I want to go out she "has plans" and will never acknowledge exactly where she is going. When I ask who with the answer is always "the girls from work". 

This has been going on for some while now and lately she has started taking a cab so she isn't drinking and driving. Well... She's coming home drunker and drunker and last week stumbled up the driveway with no cab in sight. Now my suspicions she's with another dude are really high since she can't even get dropped off in the driveway...

I figured I'd show her and took my ice shanty as set it up in the front yard to "air out" as I told her. I was really gonna hide in it and see who has been dropping her off now.... 

She went out last night and I crawled out in it to hide. While in There I noticed my brand new ice auger has a dam oil leak around the gasket. 

You guys think I can fix this myself or should I return it?

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Jones

Doctor Keller, Sir!!! Now that right there......  ....That is creative and damn funny! (but have to ask....are those your dolls???)

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Kevin

Doc that one will be hard to top.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## DKMD

Mike Jones said:


> Doctor Keller, Sir!!! Now that right there......  ....That is creative and damn funny! (but have to ask....are those your dolls???)



Nah, I'd never be so lucky... The Barbie shot was a photo somebody sent me as a joke.


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 65977
> 
> View attachment 65978
> 
> View attachment 65979



I'm not sure what to say . . . . I can't decide which picture is most disturbing.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4


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## Kevin



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## ripjack13

So many herbs, so little thyme....

Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 11


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## eaglea1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=5YCxNSSkwM4

Reactions: Funny 6


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## manbuckwal



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 8


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## TimR

This just never gets old...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

That's why I refuse to ride one....too many idiots.


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## ripjack13

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 65805



I have that pic as a screen saver on my computer. My grandson saw it and got upset that "They have Bob tied up! Pepere', where's Batman? He needs to save Bob!"

He makes me laugh....I never wanted kids, but he's just awesome....


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## Johnturner

I just saw a bumper sticker

"Frog parking only - All others will be toad."

Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13

https://news.vice.com/article/pants...rguson-protesters-is-successfully-crowdfunded

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Kevin



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Kevin



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## SENC

Those are funny, Kevin, but internet stuff isn't nearly as funny as real life. Like these pictures from Tony's bachelor pad. Thankfully he married way over his head and his bride has cleaned things up a bit.

His swing:


 

His shower (I see now from your pics he was copying someone else):


 

My favorite, though is the pic of his first business, before he learned how to make hairsticks:


 

Oh, and Tony, they found the guy that stole your fishing boat:

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Kevin

That second one from the bottom has got me curious as a cat Henry. Is he selling meat? That's illegal as heck. "In memory of cuzzn Jim". I hope Jim isn't on the menu.


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## Tony

Dang @Kevin, I didn't realize you were at my last family reunion! You missed the water-skiing though. By the way, it worked out great with my sister-cousin, got to third base! TA

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Kevin

Classic!


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> That second one from the bottom has got me curious as a cat Henry. Is he selling meat? That's illegal as heck. "In memory of cuzzn Jim". I hope Jim isn't on the menu.



Not in some states S carolina has venison on the menu in a lot of places.


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## Mike1950

Gore the prophet predicts hotter weather just ahead..

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> Gore the prophet predicts hotter weather just ahead..
> 
> View attachment 68557



No I talked to him last year he says we're headed for global freezing now and he needs many millions of dollars to warn people about it.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Schroedc

Kevin said:


> No I talked to him last year he says we're headed for global freezing now and he needs many millions of dollars to warn people about it.



How about just give us the money and we'll tell people that we'll have "global weather" and leave it at that?

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Johnturner

OK I fell for it

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kevin

Pretty funny Marc. Takes way too long to load though.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodtickgreg

Ha Ha

Reactions: Like 1


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## bluedot

His name was Bubba, he was from Alabama and he needed a loan.
So, he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan
Officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an
International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow
$5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of
security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a
brand new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front
of the bank.
The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan
and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good
laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into The bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we
are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on
Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni
from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and
multi-millionaire with real estate and financial holdings all over
the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines
in and around Sweetwater, Texas.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park
my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when
I return?"
His name was BUBBA....
Keep an eye on those southern boys!
Just because they talk funny does not mean they are stupid!

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 8


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## ripjack13

I'm going to wash this delicious cotton candy then chow...oh....

http://i.Rule #2/iqgIIwN.gif

Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13

Here....hold my beer and watch this...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodtickgreg

Idiot with a chainsaw.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

bluedot said:


> His name was Bubba, he was from Alabama and he needed a loan.
> So, he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan
> Officer.
> He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an
> International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow
> $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
> The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of
> security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a
> brand new Ferrari.
> The car was parked on the street in front
> of the bank.
> The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan
> and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
> Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good
> laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
> collateral for a $5,000 loan.
> An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into The bank's private underground garage and parked it.
> Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
> interest of $23.07.
> The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
> business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we
> are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on
> Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni
> from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and
> multi-millionaire with real estate and financial holdings all over
> the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines
> in and around Sweetwater, Texas.
> What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
> The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park
> my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when
> I return?"
> His name was BUBBA....
> Keep an eye on those southern boys!
> Just because they talk funny does not mean they are stupid!



Dam skippy

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13




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## Schroedc



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Kevin

Lol poor Pooh is in a no-winnie situation.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13

http://i.Rule #2/dtQWMBU.jpg

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

http://i.Rule #2/8vPULYV.jpg

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13

http://i.Rule #2/FghzBqz.jpg

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 12 | Sincere 1


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## Tony

That is great Mike!!!

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 1


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## Mike Mills

ripjack13 said:


> http://i.Rule #2/FghzBqz.jpg




I actually just looks up hashtag to find out what it is/means.
Thanks for inspiring my continued education.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Mills

This is why you don't lock your dog in the car...

Reactions: Funny 5


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## SENC

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 69042


That reminds me of a long time favorite joke...

After God created Adam and Adam had lived in the Garden of Eden for a long time, God noticed Adam sulking around the Garden of Eden and looking very sad. God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said, "Lord, you made me and gave me this wonderful garden and created all of the wonderful creatures around me, and for that I am forever grateful, but I don't have a true companion and am lonely."

God thought for a while and said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."

Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"

God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her."

Adam thought for a moment, and then asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Reactions: Funny 8 | Sincere 1


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## Kevin

And some people say gods have no sense of humor.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Useful 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Brink



Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodtickgreg

Well that was 1:43 of my life I just wasted.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## NYWoodturner

Brink - I think you need to check into better ventilation in the shop my friend...

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Brink

Noooo, I think sumwun should drive these roads today and get me a pot pie.


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## Brink



Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Brink said:


>



Where's the "WTF?!" icon?

Reactions: Agree 1 | +Karma 1


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## NYWoodturner

You know your in NYC when ...

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Kevin

NYWoodturner said:


> You know your in NYC when ...
> View attachment 69404



Yeah for real. Only in NYC are people gullible enough to think dogs can read.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## DKMD

There's no way I could pee that high...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

DKMD said:


> There's no way I could pee that high...



Throw a bladder bag....


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## Mike Mills

It's almost 1 am and this is not a joke. Can you read this?

Reactions: Like 9 | +Karma 1


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## frankp

That's a terrible thing to do to people's eyes, Mike.


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## NYWoodturner

Mike Mills said:


> It's almost 1 am and this is not a joke. Can you read this?
> 
> View attachment 69638


Yep - Your a demented man. LOL


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## Johnturner

I can't sleep Right?


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## Mike Mills

NYWoodturner said:


> Yep - Your a demented man. LOL



Thanks,
That's the nicest compliment I've received in years.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 5


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


>





WoodBarter and most of the Staff would like to take this opportunity to let everyone know that WoodBarter and most of the Staff do not endorse the taste in "humor" of some of the other Staff.

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## DKMD

Kevin said:


> WoodBarter and most of the Staff would like to take this opportunity to let everyone know that WoodBarter and most of the Staff do not endorse the taste in "humor" of some of the other Staff.


I immediately made my wife hold her finger to the screen. I got that look... and she said some colorful things about me and my 'wood friends'

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Schroedc

My wife is threatening to take away my internet if this is what we do on Woodbarter. I told her this area is only available after 6pm. I hope she bought it....

Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1


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## TimR

DKMD said:


> ... I got that look... and she said some colorful things about me and my 'wood friends'


I get such a visual of that, I can't stop laughing...I'll have to try that later this evening. Kind of a modern day "pull my finger".

Reactions: Agree 2


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## ripjack13

DKMD said:


> I immediately made my wife hold her finger to the screen. I got that look... and she said some colorful things about me and my 'wood friends'



I did the same thing....but instead of holding her finger to the screen, she quickly touched it, and ruined the whole surprise....darn women. Where's their sense of humor?


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## Kevin

DKMD said:


> I immediately made my wife hold her finger to the screen. I got that look... and she said some colorful things about me and my 'wood friends'



I hope you didn't tell her it was me in the little magic window.


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## Schroedc

Kevin said:


> I hope you didn't tell her it was me in the little magic window.



Even I know the difference between an Elf and a Leprechaun....

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950

Schroedc said:


> Even I know the difference between an Elf and a Leprechaun....



I do to- one is normal and the other is Irish!!!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike1950

I leave you with a story I’ve told before—it’s a Vermont classic—that is worth repeating. A man owned a small farm in Vermont. The Vermont Labor Board claimed he was underpaying his help, so they sent an agent down to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand—I pay him $200 per week plus free room and board. The cook has been here a bit more than a year and I pay her $150 every week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours per day and does about 90% of the work. He makes $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. And, once in a while, he’s pretty sociable with my wife.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to—the half-wit,” says the agent.

“You’re talking to him,” replied the farmer

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Kevin

Mike where are you going?

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> Mike where are you going?


I am skeered to ask but what do you mean??


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## Mike Mills

Some guys know when to shut up.

Reactions: Great Post 3 | Funny 4


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## Kevin

Kevin said:


> Mike where are you going?





Mike1950 said:


> I am skeered to ask but what do you mean??





Mike1950 said:


> I leave you with a story ....

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


>


 I get it..........


----------



## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## Tclem

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the best -- because it makes football make sense!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mandolin

Ya'll hear that the Arkansas governors mansion burnt down last night? Near bout took out the whole trailer park.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 7


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## manbuckwal

Tclem said:


> Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the best -- because it makes football make sense!
> 
> A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
> 
> "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
> 
> Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
> 
> "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"



Thats a good one Tony !


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## Mike1950

Sorry ford owners- I could not resist.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Kevin

Man that poor little kid has made more posters than the redneck poster guy with the mullet. He's probably running some 3rd world country by now.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike1950

A Texas State Trooper pulled a car over on I-45 about 2 miles south of Fairfield. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Houston. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Garner got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## jmurray

not really a joke, but worth watching. I don't know what the he'll the plan was.


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## Tony

jmurray said:


> not really a joke, but worth watching. I don't know what the he'll the plan was.



I guess it's one way to get your lumber delivered............

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Mills

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer. Three minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy; Finally, after five minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans overand whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 12


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## Kevin

jmurray said:


> not really a joke, but worth watching. I don't know what the he'll the plan was.



There's no telling what the plan was - if you noticed they're all speaking North Loumissigeorian so maybe the plan was not to have any plan.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

I found a video of Henry in his younger years....

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3 | Useful 1


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> I found a video of Henry in his younger years....



That explains quite a bit, I wonder if Tony played on that same playground.....

Reactions: Like 1


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## SENC

I'm taking note of all who laugh at Marc's post.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Hopefully it's a mental note...cuz after that, we can see why he's forgetful...among other things.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## manbuckwal



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## justallan

Probably an old one, but here goes anyway.

One day while walking past the local mental asylum I could hear the "wards" inside the 6' wooden fence chanting "13" "13" "13" over and over. Well, I find a knot hole in the fence and peek through when a finger comes poking out and gets me right in the eye. So while I'm standing there holding my now sore eye I hear the chanting start again, "14" "14" "14".

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

Another insane asylum joke. 

An insurance salesman is driving to an appointment in Terrell Texas - for you non-Texans Terrell is known for having the state insane asylum where all the crazies are sent - anyway the man has a flat right outside the wire fence where many of the wards of the state are having their recreation hour. The man quickly jacks up his car and as he removes each lug nut he places them in his hub cap until finally he gets the flat off the axle and hurriedly rolls it to the trunk where he will exchange it for the spare tire. But as he goes by the hub cap, he accidentally kicks it and the lug nuts down the storm drain which he didn't notice before. There's no way to recover them.

As he's cursing himself and his stupidity and loudly proclaiming another lost sale he hears a voice from the other side of the fence calmly say:

_Just remove one lug nut from your other three wheels and that will get you to your appointment and afterward go on to the mechanic shop and buy some lug nuts to replace the ones you carelessly lost. Just take corners a little more slowly than usual and you'll get there just fine._

The man immediately saw the genius in the solution and asked in a surprise voice:

_That's brilliant! What in the world are you doing in the asylum?

I'm crazy as hell, but I'm not stupid. _

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5 | Informative 1


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## manbuckwal

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round !

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 9


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## Molokai



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Johnturner

No joke just an observation - was watching one of those auto crash fail videos. Why do so many Russian drivers have dash cams!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Kevin

Johnturner said:


> No joke just an observation - was watching one of those auto crash fail videos. Why do so many Russian drivers have dash cams!



LOL I thought I was the only one that wondered that. Good observation.


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## robert flynt

Kevin said:


> Another insane asylum joke.
> 
> An insurance salesman is driving to an appointment in Terrell Texas - for you non-Texans Terrell is known for having the state insane asylum where all the crazies are sent - anyway the man has a flat right outside the wire fence where many of the wards of the state are having their recreation hour. The man quickly jacks up his car and as he removes each lug nut he places them in his hub cap until finally he gets the flat off the axle and hurriedly rolls it to the trunk where he will exchange it for the spare tire. But as he goes by the hub cap, he accidentally kicks it and the lug nuts down the storm drain which he didn't notice before. There's no way to recover them.
> 
> As he's cursing himself and his stupidity and loudly proclaiming another lost sale he hears a voice from the other side of the fence calmly say:
> 
> _Just remove one lug nut from your other three wheels and that will get you to your appointment and afterward go on to the mechanic shop and buy some lug nuts to replace the ones you carelessly lost. Just take corners a little more slowly than usual and you'll get there just fine._
> 
> The man immediately saw the genius in the solution and asked in a surprise voice:
> 
> _That's brilliant! What in the world are you doing in the asylum?
> 
> I'm crazy as hell, but I'm not stupid. _


I have a college educated cousin who was telling me about having to call a wrecker to tow his boat because all the lug nut had come off his trailer tire when he was on his way home from a fishing trip. When I asked him why he did that he got this questioning look on his face. I then told him he could have taken one lug nut off each tire on his truck and been back on the road in a few minutes and saved the tow bill. He call me a sob, got up and walked out while I chuckled! That made my week, don't like the a- hole any how.




















1

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Final Strut

A woman got married, but her husband was abusive. She got remarried and that husband ran out on her. She got married again and that husband failed in bed. Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed." The next day, the doorbell rings. There is a man with no arms and no legs. "Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," he says. "Tell me a little about you." "Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you. I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," he replies. "How do I know you're good in bed?" she asks. He says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Final Strut



Reactions: Funny 10


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## ripjack13

Johnturner said:


> No joke just an observation - was watching one of those auto crash fail videos. Why do so many Russian drivers have dash cams!



http://www.wired.com/2013/02/russian-dash-cams/

_“You can get into your car without your pants on, but never get into a car without a dash cam,” The sheer size of the country, combined with lax — and often corrupt law enforcement, and a legal system that rarely favors first-hand accounts of traffic collisions has made dash cams all but a requirement for motorists._

http://mentalfloss.com/article/48952/why-do-so-many-russian-drivers-have-dashboard-cams
_
“In Russia, everyone should have a camera on their dashboard. It’s better than keeping a lead pipe under your seat for protection,” writes Marina Galperina, a New York-based blogger who hails from Russia.


According to Galperina, hit and runs are “very common,” and insurance companies have begun to crack down on claims, often denying any claim with little evidence. Witnesses aren’t much help, either; Russian courts have turned into a he-said-she-said mess when it comes to traffic accidents. “Dash-cam footage is the only real way to substantiate your claims in the court of law,” Galperina writes.


The camera *records non-stop * until its limited flash storage fills up; then, the drive erases itself and begins recording again. If an accident happens, the footage can be pulled off and used later. The technology is much cheaper—ranging from as little as $50 to as much as $200—than insurance. Because of lax law enforcement and scams on the road, including staged crashes and already damaged cars presented as evidence in a new case, buying a good policy is outrageously expensive. A cheap camera can save thousands, which is why such a large number of Russian drivers have one._

*Now ya know....*

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Informative 5


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## BigRedKnothead

Here's one for for the .....retired guys. 

Yesterday I was at my local Kroger's buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think...I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Kroger's won't let me shop there anymore.

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Molokai

This is Audio from Youtube, i found it written somewhere and passed the text through Google translate - Croatian to English. i made some adjustments.....

DIARY OF MUJO - CANADA

8.12.- We moved into our new house in Canada. I am
excited. It's so nice. The mountains are beautiful. I can not wait
to see them covered with snow.

10.14.- Canada. It is the most beautiful country in the world. leaves
turned all colors and shades of yellow and orange color. Drove
through nature and saw some deers. Gracious animals. These are
the most beautiful animals in the world. This must be paradise. I love Canada.

11.11. Day of Remembrance (Canadian national holiday). Deer Hunting
will start soon. I can not imagine that someone can kill such a
beautiful animal. I hope soon will snow. It's so beautiful.

12.2.- Tonight first snow fell. I got up in the morning and saw all
covered in a white blanket. It looks like the most beautiful postcard.
Indescribably beautiful. We went out, clean the stairs and make
the false path and then a snowball fight (I won). When the snowplow passed
we had to clean the driveway again. What a great country.
I love Canada.

12.12.- Tonight again fallen snow. Again snowplow passed and buried
driveway. Here is beautiful.

12.19.- Tonight snow again. Could not get out the car to go to
job. Here is a really great, just a little tired of shoveling.
Again f...ing snowplow.

12.22.- This white s...t fell all night. I got blisters
from shoveling and hurt my back. That monkey with a snowplow
hides around the corner and just waites for me to clean the snow in front of the house.
wiseguy.

12.25.- Happy f...ing and f...ing Christmas. A little more crappy snow.
If I ever get my hands on that fag who drives a snowplow, I'll kill him.
F...k them, why they not sprinkle more salt on the road so the snow
dissolves more faster.

12.27.- Tonight snow again. For three days i did not leave the house except
to clean up the snow in front of the driveway when the snowplow pass. I can go nowhere
because the car is stuck in the snow in front of the hill.
Meteorologists forecast that it will fall another 10 inches. This white
s..t.

12.28.- The forecast was bad. Fell 20 inches. If this continues it
shall not be dissolved until the summer. Snowplow got stuck in front of my house and
that a..hole came to me to lend him a shovel because its broken.
I told him that I already broke six shovels cleaning that s..t in
my entrance, and I nearly broke seventh on his head.

1.4.- I finally left the house. I went to the store to
buy some food because we're out of stock. On the way back i
hit a deer with my car. $ 3,000 damage to the car and I still have the court order the
dead deer. Those f...ing beasts should be killed. They're everywhere. Pity,
hunters did not kill hundreds of them last fall.

5.3 Drove the car to a mechanic. It's amazing how car
rusted from the f....ing salt what they sprinkled everywhere.

5.10 and I'm moving to Florida. F..k Canada. I can not imagine how
someone normal can live in this f...ng Canada.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Molokai

apparently when you write s..t it software automatically translates bat guana, lol. i need to make adjustments

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Kevin




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## Kevin

Molokai said:


> apparently when you write s..t it software automatically translates bat guana, lol. i need to make adjustments



Yeah I have tried to keep the effing curse words off the forum because I personally do not like that sh!t.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Molokai

Someone has been playing with buttons again, lol.
kind of lost a touch when i edited all the swears. I admit we Croatians swear a lot and have like a million swears, believe me when i say that.

Reactions: Like 1


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## eaglea1

Molokai said:


> Someone has been playing with buttons again, lol.
> kind of lost a touch when i edited all the swears. I admit we Croatians swear a lot and have like a million swears, believe me when i say that.


 
NO S*% T !

Reactions: Creative 1


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Brink

11 days without a murder in NYC.
And with the all-star break, the Knicks won't be killed for a week, also.

Reactions: Like 1 | +Karma 1


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## Kevin

The Knicks are the only team that's so bad, the NBA has awarded them a loss during the break just as a matter of course.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 12


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## Kevin

I can't believe I laughed at that you wife hater . . . . dog lover . . . . pervert.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Tony

Molokai said:


> This is Audio from Youtube, i found it written somewhere and passed the text through Google translate - Croatian to English. i made some adjustments.....
> 
> DIARY OF MUJO - CANADA
> 
> 8.12.- We moved into our new house in Canada. I am
> excited. It's so nice. The mountains are beautiful. I can not wait
> to see them covered with snow.
> 
> 10.14.- Canada. It is the most beautiful country in the world. leaves
> turned all colors and shades of yellow and orange color. Drove
> through nature and saw some deers. Gracious animals. These are
> the most beautiful animals in the world. This must be paradise. I love Canada.
> 
> 11.11. Day of Remembrance (Canadian national holiday). Deer Hunting
> will start soon. I can not imagine that someone can kill such a
> beautiful animal. I hope soon will snow. It's so beautiful.
> 
> 12.2.- Tonight first snow fell. I got up in the morning and saw all
> covered in a white blanket. It looks like the most beautiful postcard.
> Indescribably beautiful. We went out, clean the stairs and make
> the false path and then a snowball fight (I won). When the snowplow passed
> we had to clean the driveway again. What a great country.
> I love Canada.
> 
> 12.12.- Tonight again fallen snow. Again snowplow passed and buried
> driveway. Here is beautiful.
> 
> 12.19.- Tonight snow again. Could not get out the car to go to
> job. Here is a really great, just a little tired of shoveling.
> Again f...ing snowplow.
> 
> 12.22.- This white s...t fell all night. I got blisters
> from shoveling and hurt my back. That monkey with a snowplow
> hides around the corner and just waites for me to clean the snow in front of the house.
> wiseguy.
> 
> 12.25.- Happy f...ing and f...ing Christmas. A little more crappy snow.
> If I ever get my hands on that fag who drives a snowplow, I'll kill him.
> F...k them, why they not sprinkle more salt on the road so the snow
> dissolves more faster.
> 
> 12.27.- Tonight snow again. For three days i did not leave the house except
> to clean up the snow in front of the driveway when the snowplow pass. I can go nowhere
> because the car is stuck in the snow in front of the hill.
> Meteorologists forecast that it will fall another 10 inches. This white
> s..t.
> 
> 12.28.- The forecast was bad. Fell 20 inches. If this continues it
> shall not be dissolved until the summer. Snowplow got stuck in front of my house and
> that a..hole came to me to lend him a shovel because its broken.
> I told him that I already broke six shovels cleaning that s..t in
> my entrance, and I nearly broke seventh on his head.
> 
> 1.4.- I finally left the house. I went to the store to
> buy some food because we're out of stock. On the way back i
> hit a deer with my car. $ 3,000 damage to the car and I still have the court order the
> dead deer. Those f...ing beasts should be killed. They're everywhere. Pity,
> hunters did not kill hundreds of them last fall.
> 
> 5.3 Drove the car to a mechanic. It's amazing how car
> rusted from the f....ing salt what they sprinkled everywhere.
> 
> 5.10 and I'm moving to Florida. F..k Canada. I can not imagine how
> someone normal can live in this f...ng Canada.




And that is why I live in South Texas!!!!!! Tony

Reactions: Like 2


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## BigRedKnothead

Hey, why do all them Texas wood hoarders have cow dung in their mustaches? 

Que the background music....

"Lookin for love in alllll the wrong places, Lookin for love in too many...."

Reactions: Funny 5


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## SENC



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 10


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 71538



Hairy nipples and elephant-face penises with teeth . . . Mike what is becoming of you man.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Schroedc

Saw these while shopping at Target this evening..... Looks like Lego is finally putting out sets for those in the south, although the crook looks like a leprechaun with bad teeth.... Heck, they are even true to life by including a boat that don't float!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13

Joe Biden in cat form....

http://i.Rule #2/Bz9fanO.gif

Reactions: Funny 3


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## SENC

What did the cat do to you to earn such an insult?


ripjack13 said:


> Joe Biden in cat form....
> 
> http://i.Rule #2/Bz9fanO.gif

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike1950

ripjack13 said:


> Joe Biden in cat form....
> 
> http://i.Rule #2/Bz9fanO.gif




Do you know how to spell idiot- Bi... hold it I am not supposed to be political.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## manbuckwal

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Reactions: Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## manbuckwal

A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" The first man replied, "A thought. It just pops into your head. There's no warning." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm, let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is Diarrhea." "What!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure," said Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already messed in my pants." Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!

Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful, sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived for his nap with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with six children, two under the age of three - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mike1950

Those are funny @Kevin


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## Mike1950

Sorry I could not resist since we were on dogs

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 9


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## ripjack13

I needed a good chuckle.....those were great.


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## Mike1950

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Kevin

That's hilarious. I got to tell that one to someone today.


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## ripjack13

Hahahahahahahaha.......that's a great one!


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## wombat

Kevin said:


> That's hilarious. I got to tell that one to someone today.



A note of warning! Don't tell it to your wife!! :)

Reactions: Agree 4


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## manbuckwal



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Tony

wombat said:


> A note of warning! Don't tell it to your wife!! :)



Or your Mother-In-Law!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## ripjack13

wombat said:


> A note of warning! Don't tell it to your wife!! :)


Too late....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## ClintW

Johnturner said:


> No joke just an observation - was watching one of those auto crash fail videos. Why do so many Russian drivers have dash cams!


In Russia it is a very common scam that people step out and get hit by the driver. Then sue them. Dash cams proves driver was not at fault, lol. My classmate is Russian.

Reactions: Informative 2


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## Mike1950

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. · The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. · My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.. · My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. · I had no control over the drooling. · Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. · I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## thrainson

Can't believe I didn't know about this thread before! Lol!!! I have been on the floor laughing for almost an hour. Way too funny!

Reactions: Great Post 1


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## thrainson



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Kevin

​That's one of the funnier ones I've heard in a while. I'm glad you found this thread lol.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## thrainson



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

This is a little long, but trust me, it's worth the time! Tony

The following is a true story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things. 

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me. 

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go." 

Server: "Is that it?" 

Me: "Yep."
Server: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?" 

Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication] 

At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and . . . 

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back." 

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them: 

Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?" 

Manager: "No. A what?" 

Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me." 

Manager: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A$2 BILL." 

Server: "Yeah, thought so." 

He comes back to me and says: 

Server: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?" 

Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?" 

Server: "I don't know." 

Me: "See here where it says legal tender?" 

Server: "Yeah." 

Me: "So, shouldn't you take it?" 

Server: "Well, hang on a sec." 

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift. 

Server: "He says I have to take it." 

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?" 

Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change." 

Manager: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [My emphasis] 

Server: "What should I do?" 

Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money." 

Server: "I can't tell him that, you tell him." 

Manager: "Just tell him." 

Server: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back." 

The manager approaches me and says: 

Manager: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [It was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 otherstores.] 

Me: "Well, here's a two." 

Manager: "We don't take those either." 

Me: "Why the hell not?" 

Manager: "I think you know why." 

Me: "No really, tell me, why?" 

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security." 

Me: "Excuse me?" 

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."


Me: "What the hell for?" 

Manager: "Please, sir." 

Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them." 

Manager: "Would you please just leave?" 

Me: "No." 

Manager: "Fine, have it your way then." 

Me: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?" 

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year old-ish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]: 

Security: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?" 

Manager: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money." 

Security: "Really? What?" 

Manager: "Get this, a two dollar bill." 

Security: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [Incredulous] 

Manager: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty." 

Security: "So, the fifty's fake?" 

Manager: "NO, the $2 is." 

Security: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?" 

Manager: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?" 

Security: "Yeah..." 

Security guard walks over to me and says: 

Security: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use." 

Me: "Uh, no." 

Security: "Lemme see 'em." 

Me: "Why?" 

Security: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?" 

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said: 

Me: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill." 

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says 

Security: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?" 

Manager: "It's fake." 

Security: "It doesn't look fake to me." 

Manager: "But it's a $2 bill." 

Security: "Yeah?" 

Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?" 

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue. My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Kevin

With someon like me with ahdh you got to keep it short - 1 liners are my favorite. Some are funny some are nuggets of wisdom. Some are both:

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Fighting for peace is like making making whoopee for virginity.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## thrainson

Round like a shot... Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told there was no one in the area to help. The policeman said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up.

A minute later I rang again. 'Hello', I said, 'I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them.' Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed. 

One of the officers said: 'I thought you said you'd shot them.' To which I replied: 'I thought you said there was no one available.'

Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 2


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## manbuckwal

Tony was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Henry who was dying. Tony asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Henry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tony was sleeping, he heard Henry's voice in a dream, "Tony..." "Henry! What is it?!" asked Tony. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Kevin

manbuckwal said:


> Tony was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Henry who was dying. Tony asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Henry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tony was sleeping, he heard Henry's voice in a dream, "Tony..." "Henry! What is it?!" asked Tony. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."





I love that! Kinda hate to see Tony go though. Hope Henry left me at least 1 good ck blank - I fully expect to be hearing from his attorney any day . . . . . .

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tclem

My fastball was never over 80 so I'm in trouble. They should leave me behind the plate or at 3rd. I just hope @SENC keeps the water cooler filled up

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## manbuckwal

Kevin said:


> I love that! Kinda hate to see Tony go though. Hope Henry left me at least 1 good ck blank - I fully expect to be hearing from his attorney any day . . . . . .


I think Tony's CK might trump Henry's ???


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## Tclem

manbuckwal said:


> I think Tony's CK might trump Henry's ???


Hopefully I know tomorrow

Reactions: Like 1


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## SENC

You just better hope it isn't an away game.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## thrainson

Dylan is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and is giving him a big 'hello'.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, Dylan can't place where he might know her from, so he says, 'Sorry, do you know me?' 

She replies, 'I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children'

Dylan's mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, 'Blimey!' he says, 'Did we meet on Frank's stag do in Newport? Dylan continued, 'When I was released from the police station and got back to the hotel room, you had gone.' 

No, 'she replies, 'I'm your son's English Teacher'. 

Names have been changed to protect our friends.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Schroedc

Tclem said:


> My fastball was never over 80 so I'm in trouble. They should leave me behind the plate or at 3rd. I just hope @SENC keeps the water cooler filled up



It's actually slow pitch softball so you should be just fine.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Kevin

And what Henry didn't mention is that they were both recruited by the team the _Pygmy Cannibals_.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike1950

........................................................

Reactions: Funny 12


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## Kevin

:

I love that!!!


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## thrainson

Here is the scene: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Church elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and put it on the apple tray...

'Take only ONE. God is watching.' 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## APBcustoms

i love this one


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## Kenbo



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 3 | Great Post 5 | Funny 2


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## thrainson



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Kenbo

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through". So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through". The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park.... Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,









"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Schroedc



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 2


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## manbuckwal

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Final Strut



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 7


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## thrainson



Reactions: Like 6 | Funny 1


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## Molokai

I was taking a photo of knives and the cat came into frame. Look at that mouth.... lol

Reactions: Like 2 | Way Cool 2


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## Final Strut



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## Final Strut

There is a whole lot of truth to this pic.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## JR Custom Calls

Too much? Nah... No worse than a hairless cat

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 4 | Funny 5


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## Final Strut

JR Custom Calls said:


> View attachment 73447
> 
> 
> Too much? Nah... No worse than a hairless cat


  this is a family site you know.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Ok...last one for today....

Reactions: Funny 10


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## thrainson



Reactions: Funny 4


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## NYWoodturner

Molokai said:


> I was taking a photo of knives and the cat came into frame. Look at that mouth.... lol
> View attachment 73444


Nice knives Tom!

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 2


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## thrainson



Reactions: Funny 5


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## thrainson

Sad, true, and funny!

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Molokai

WTF !!

Reactions: Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

Tony said:


> View attachment 73647


Lmao ... I didn't get the joke (because I never played with a mr potato head) so i handed my wife the phone and she busted out laughing right here in the steak house.

She finally explained it to me. Funny stuff.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13

So...an irishman walks out of a bar....

Reactions: Funny 3


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## thrainson

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick up the block and put it back in my toy chest.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Kenbo

*Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..



Q.Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)*



*
Q*_._*Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under*_ *water long enough.*_



*
Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.*



*
Q.True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.*



*
Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.*



*
Q.According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and youthink that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No.Wait until morning.*



*
Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.*



*
Q.In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..*



*
Q..What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.*



*
Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old questionPeter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.*



*
Q.Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.*



*
Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.*



*
Q.In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.*



*
Q.It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.*



*
Q.During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.*



*
Q.Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.*



*
Q.When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?*



*
Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.*



*
Q.According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.*



*
Q.It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.*



*
Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.*



*
Q.Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?*



*
Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him*



*
Q..Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.*



*
Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh*

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Kenbo

Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man, you really look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about 65, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that."

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## thrainson

I read eating fatty foods was bad for you, so I stopped eating fatty foods. I read smoking was bad for you, so I stopped smoking. I read drinking was bad for you, so I stopped reading.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## thrainson

Ain't it funny how the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Kevin

That ain't funny to me right now lol. I got a ticket in Podunk, Texas Friday on our way to east Texas. Actually Lone Oak Texas a notorious tort-feaser of a crime-ridden town that gets over half of it's revenue from writing tickets. 

*I mean that literally. *

Reactions: Like 1


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## thrainson

Where is the sympathy button?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## thrainson

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike1950

Thank goodness- some lucky guy  finally snagged my SIL.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## thrainson

After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."

"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.

"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."

He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging. 

The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

True story: I've never found a reliable way (for me) to remember whether or not I've taken my medication. So my wife suggested that after I take it, I turn the pill bottle over so that I'll know I took it. I thought about it for a minute and asked:

_So after I take it one more time, every time I reach for it in the future and it's already turned over, I will think I've already taken it, so I never end up taking it again? _

She just looked at me like this:

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tony

thrainson said:


> After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
> 
> When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
> 
> "Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
> 
> "Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.
> 
> "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
> 
> He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
> 
> The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
> 
> She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for



I'm not laughing at this one, hits too close to home. Tony

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## thrainson

Tony said:


> I'm not laughing at this one, hits too close to home. Tony


All of a sudden I am feeling like a youngster here..

Reactions: Like 1


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## Johnturner

ripjack13 said:


> So...an irishman walks out of a bar....



Careful of the Irish Jokes.

John Micheal Flynn

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tony

thrainson said:


> All of a sudden I am feeling like a youngster here..



Stay off my lawn Sonny

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Kevin

Tony said:


> Stay off my lawn Sonny



Gran Torino?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> Gran Torino?



And don't eat my dog!!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

Damn gooks.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> Gran Torino?



Great movie!! I thought I had heard them all but I was taking notes during it!

Reactions: Like 1 | EyeCandy! 1


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## thrainson

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 2


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## Kevin

We Irish ain't the brightest....

Paddy O'Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made for a wonderful reading.
After Paddy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, _“Has me house got all this here?”_
The agent replied _"Certainly ye have…Why do you ask?"_
Paddy smiled and replied _"Cancel the sale tehn, the place sounds grand to me."_

A double-homicide defendant is in court in Dublin. The Judge says to him, _"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer. "_ A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, _"You bastard!"_
The Judge says, _"You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."_
The voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, _"You rotten bastard!"_
The Judges stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, _"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from y ou, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"_
Paddy stands up and says, _"I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fiftenn years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."_

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, _"I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"_
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, _"Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"_

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

Obummer's joke is not funny, and it's not even a joke.





Of course they're more popular. People are fascinated by someone who would leave this . . . .



 












...for this...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Schroedc

Kevin said:


> Obummer's joke is not funny, and it's not even a joke.
> 
> View attachment 74286
> 
> Of course they're more popular. People are fascinated by someone who would leave this . . . .
> 
> View attachment 74289
> 
> View attachment 74291
> 
> View attachment 74290
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...for this...
> View attachment 74288
> 
> View attachment 74292
> 
> View attachment 74293



Kinda like a train wreck, you know it's going to be a mess but you can't help watching. On the other hand, We don't know how well or badly Diana might have aged.......


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## Kevin

No one ever likes how they age probably. I don't look anything like I did in my youth. But I think Di would have aged pretty well. Here's a projection up to 2011 - but we'll never know for sure.


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## Johnturner

Who cares how she would have aged Charlie didn't like her when she was young.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## JR Custom Calls

@Tclem tried to build something without the lathe today...

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Tclem

JR Custom Calls said:


> @Tclem tried to build something without the lathe today...
> 
> View attachment 74433


Next time you hide out in my bushes I'm turning the bulldog loose

Reactions: Funny 3


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## SENC

Tclem said:


> Next time you hide out in my bushes I'm turning the bulldog loose


Turn the bulldog loose... gonna drown poor Jonathan in slobber, huh,

Reactions: Agree 1


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## thrainson

A dying man gives each of his best friends -- a lawyer, doctor and clergyman -- an envelope containing $25,000 in cash to be placed in his coffin.

A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin. Several months later, the clergyman confesses that he only put $10,000 in the envelope and sent the rest to a mission in South America.

The doctor confesses that his envelope had only $8,000 because he donated to a medical charity.

The lawyer is outraged, "I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained my own personal check for the entire $25,000."

Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13

@Schroedc 
I saw this and thought of you colin...

Reactions: Funny 5


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## manbuckwal

Thats gonna hurt !!!!!!!!

Reactions: Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## Kevin

You'll notice I am staying out of the fight and praying with my eyes closed _"Dear Lord forgive these two schmucks for they know not what they do...."_

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Johnturner

I thought those fights were secret - how did you get that picture?

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Kevin

paparazzi

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## thrainson

English is a strange language with rules that are hard to learn. When you go to the store and buy a pair of shoes or gloves you expect to get two of the object in question. Why is it then when when you buy a pair of shorts or pants you only get one? And how come K A N S A S is pronounced Kansas but when you add A R to the front you end up with Arkansas? And why is the plural of Sheep, sheep? Shouldn't it be Sheeps?
Ok enough of that rant ( I could go on and on, or is it ons), but if you know the reasons please post them!

Reactions: Like 2


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## NYWoodturner



Reactions: Funny 12


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## thrainson

I got a call from the modeling agency. They wanted me to pose for some Before pictures.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## thrainson

- Super Mario Bros taught me to jump on turtles.
- Zelda taught me to enter people's houses without permission.
- Pokemon taught me to infiltrate criminal hideouts by myself without calling the police.
- Metroid taught me to shoot at doors before opening them.
Why are they rated E again?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## manbuckwal



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13

thrainson said:


> English is a strange language with rules that are hard to learn. When you go to the store and buy a pair of shoes or gloves you expect to get two of the object in question. Why is it then when when you buy a pair of shorts or pants you only get one? And how come K A N S A S is pronounced Kansas but when you add A R to the front you end up with Arkansas? And why is the plural of Sheep, sheep? Shouldn't it be Sheeps?
> Ok enough of that rant ( I could go on and on, or is it ons), but if you know the reasons please post them!



How come packages of hot dog buns and hot dogs are not the same count?

Reactions: Agree 2


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## mdlbldrmatt135

If it's anything like our family... one of the boys hates hot dogs on buns....

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


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## manbuckwal



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Jones



Reactions: Funny 6


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## DKMD



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## LoneStar

thrainson said:


> English is a strange language with rules that are hard to learn. When you go to the store and buy a pair of shoes or gloves you expect to get two of the object in question. Why is it then when when you buy a pair of shorts or pants you only get one? And how come K A N S A S is pronounced Kansas but when you add A R to the front you end up with Arkansas? And why is the plural of Sheep, sheep? Shouldn't it be Sheeps?
> Ok enough of that rant ( I could go on and on, or is it ons), but if you know the reasons please post them!



Well this is the joke page, so forgive me a boring answer. The reason English is so complicated is because it's not really English 
If I were to write in English, you would understand about every third word, only after twisting most of them around a bit.
What we speak is actually about 30% English, 30% French, 30% Latin, and 10% everything else. The reason why it doesn't make sense is because some of our words follow Latin rules, some follow English, some follow French, and some words just do whatever the hell they want.
I could give a much longer, more boring answer that explains how Old English was actually a branch of Old German, which was a branch of Old Norse, that was imported to Englanaloand when waves of Germans invaded and conquered the island after the fall of Rome, and Old English became the common language of the realm, although the rise of the Catholic Church meant the governing Ecclesiastical Class spoke and wrote in Latin, and how Norsemen who had conquered part of France and adopted a particular dialect of that language (Norman French) then went on to conquer England, adding a third distinct language which became the prestige tongue as it represented the Ruling Class, and how later writers like Chaucer and Shakespeare invented new ways to combine the three distinct languages into a common tongue, giving rise to what we now know as modern "English".
But this is the joke page so I'll stop now, I don't want anyone to get their panty in a wad

Reactions: Like 4 | Way Cool 2


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## Tony

LoneStar said:


> Well this is the joke page, so forgive me a boring answer. The reason English is so complicated is because it's not really English
> If I were to write in English, you would understand about every third word, only after twisting most of them around a bit.
> What we speak is actually about 30% English, 30% French, 30% Latin, and 10% everything else. The reason why it doesn't make sense is because some of our words follow Latin rules, some follow English, some follow French, and some words just do whatever the hell they want.
> I could give a much longer, more boring answer that explains how Old English was actually a branch of Old German, which was a branch of Old Norse, that was imported to Englanaloand when waves of Germans invaded and conquered the island after the fall of Rome, and Old English became the common language of the realm, although the rise of the Catholic Church meant the governing Ecclesiastical Class spoke and wrote in Latin, and how Norsemen who had conquered part of France and adopted a particular dialect of that language (Norman French) then went on to conquer England, adding a third distinct language which became the prestige tongue as it represented the Ruling Class, and how later writers like Chaucer and Shakespeare invented new ways to combine the three distinct languages into a common tongue, giving rise to what we now know as modern "English".
> But this is the joke page so I'll stop now, and I don't want anyone to get their panty in a wad



There's also quite a bit of Greek in there for good measure, can't forget my people's contributions! Tony

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

Tony said:


> can't forget my people's contributions! Tony



Yeah well I think we all know what y'all are most noted for.


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> Yeah well I think we all know what y'all are most noted for.



The creation of the Olympics? Great philosophers? Jennifer Aniston? Yep, all those things and more!


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## Kenbo

Tony said:


> The creation of the Olympics? Great philosophers? Jennifer Aniston? Yep, all those things and more!



You can have the Olympics and the philosophers................I'll take Jennifer Aniston.

Reactions: Like 1 | EyeCandy! 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## manbuckwal



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Kevin

Tony I'm just funning with you - without greece there couldn't be any southern fried food.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Kenbo

If Turkey attacked Russia from behind, would Greece help?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4 | +Karma 1


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## Tony

Of course @Kenbo my people would slide in behind Turkey!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Final Strut

*20 THINGS WISCONSINITES ALWAYS HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO OUT-OF-TOWNERS*

1. 40° F weather is perfectly acceptable shorts weather.
Because, you know, it’s not our average of -20° F.

2. Cheese curds are a Wisconsin delicacy.
You have not lived until you've had a basket of golden-brown, deep-fried, melt-in-your-mouth cheese curds made fresh in Wisconsin. Haven’t tried them yet? Add these babies to your culinary bucket list. You’re welcome.

3. And there are fortunately TWO different kinds of them.
Fried ones and squeaky ones! You can’t get our fresh, unprocessed baby cheddar bites anywhere else. These salty little blobs of goodness are best when under 12 hours old. And the squeakier they are against your teeth, the better they’ll taste.

4. We’re the home of the world’s largest music festival.
Forget Glastonbury and Ultra. If you want to attend the world’s largest music festival, head to Milwaukee. Every summer, our state’s largest city hosts artists from all over the world across 11 stages for 11 days straight. Not convinced? Check the Guinness Book of World Records. We've been reigning champs since 1999.

5. And America’s largest water park.
With 51 different slides and various other rides and attractions, you can’t get any better than Noah’s Ark Waterpark in Wisconsin Dells — unless it’s overflowing with sweaty humans on the Fourth of July. Visitors be warned.

6. You’re saying Milwaukee wrong.
It’s “Mah-WAU-kee.” I don’t even know what kind of noise you just made.

7. But it’s okay, eventually you’ll get our city names right.
Ashwaubenon. Oconomowoc. Weyauwega. The struggle is real.

8. Snow doesn't cancel anything.
If we canceled school every time it snowed, no one would ever graduate.

9. We drink from bubblers.
Ask for a water fountain, and we’ll point you toward the decorative kind you find in parks or gardens. What you’re really looking for is a bubbler when you’re feeling parched.

10. Fridays are reserved for fish fries.
If you had other plans, cancel them right now. They can’t be nearly as good as the beer-battered cod and potato pancakes you’re about to have. It’s a Wisconsin tradition.

11. We drank Pabst Blue Ribbon before it was cool.
I’m not quite sure how to break this to you, but PBR was not invented by hipsters. Pabst Brewing Company originally hails from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Sorry, not sorry.

12. WE are America’s Dairyland.
Sorry, California. Nice try.


13. We take tailgating to a whole new level.
Grab the bratwursts and beer! We tailgate for everything. Brewers games at Miller Park. Packers games at Lambeau Field. Concerts at Alpine Valley. Grandma’s polka recital. Just kidding! But seriously.

14. Brats and hot dogs are two VERY different things.
And if you think otherwise, you’re about to be set straight.

15. A Spotted Cow is also an adult beverage.
It’s the name of a cherished, Wisconsin beer reserved just for us. And we’ll totally share if you make a pilgrimage here to try it.

16. Our airport’s “Recombobulation Area” is totally legit and necessary.
Because, you know, you’re all discombobulated after you go through security, so you need a place to put yourself back together. Don’t worry. Mitchell International Airport’s got you.

17. We are the best sports fans in America.
Badgers, Brewers, Bucks, and Packers — the entire state roots for the home team. Literally the entire state. Including the people who moved away. And the new families of the people who moved away.

18. We have more lakes than Minnesota.
They might be known as the land of 10,000 lakes, but we actually have 15,074. There are so many lakes that we can’t even come up with names for more than half of them!

19. And summers are for lake houses.
In Wisconsin, this is the ultimate form of social currency. Just start talking about your lake house and, BAM, you've just made at least 10 new friends.

20. “Cheesehead” is a term of endearment.
Yes, we do occasionally wear blocks of cheese-shaped foam on our heads. And yes, it is attractive. ￼

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13

Kenbo said:


> If Turkey attacked Russia from behind, would Greece help?



Ha! I'm stealing this one....

Reactions: Like 2


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## Kenbo

Oh my god. Being a big Rush fan, I just loved this. I want one.

Reactions: Way Cool 4


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## Kevin

I'm not a fan of the phrase "on so many levels" but that is the poster child of "so cool on so many levels".

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1


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## Kevin

Ken I don't know what your level of drummng is but I can mimic Peart fairly well and even add my own respectable fingerprint to boot. But what this guy is doing with this tin can drummer is off the charts. OFF the charts.

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13

Does Canada even have a president or is it just whichever moose has the strongest antlers?

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Kenbo

ripjack13 said:


> Does Canada even have a president or is it just whichever moose has the strongest antlers?




No moose.....you're thinking liberals. We are a PC country which is Progressive Caribou. We tried to vote in the deer, but all they could ever think about was Doe and that cost our country a lot of Bucks.

Reactions: Great Post 3 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## brandon

Why did the crawfish cross the road?

To get away from that crazy a$s Cajun with a beer in his hand wearing a chefs hat

Reactions: Funny 3


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## brandon

thrainson said:


> View attachment 73539


So is taking "selfies" apparently lol


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## thrainson



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## thrainson

Everyone has days like this... Lol

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Every what?


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## thrainson

ripjack13 said:


> Every what?


Oops, lol!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Kevin

I didn't see the humor in that last one. Maybe it's just me but that's pretty sadistic. It's not out of line or anything just too macabre for my taste.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## thrainson

Hmmm, my wife thought it was funny, maybe you have to be a mom!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

thrainson said:


> Hmmm, my wife thought it was funny, maybe you have to be a mom!



That IS funny lol.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## ripjack13

I have found proof that @Brink is really a man....


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Brink

I'm closer to man than stoopid monkey


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## Schroedc

He's so much man it took two N's to express it......

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13




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## Brink

Schroedc said:


> He's so much man it took two N's to express it......



Brinnk?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Creative 1


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## Mr. Peet

No, not Brinnk, but Mann....


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## Brink

Like I don't hear this all day long

"Brinkmann, what were you thinking?"
"Brinkmann, WTF!!!!"
"Brinkmann, get out of here!"

The last one requires a cash payment...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Brinkman stop flinging poo!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Kevin

Brink said:


> The last one requires a cash payment...



Hot salsa is not good enough?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950

@Brink only takes payment in sourkraut and Corona's........

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Brink

Realistically, who wouldn't want a Brinkmann grilla?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Mr. Peet

That was so short of me. Your right Mr. Ripjack, if it were poo to do, I would have said butt mann. But I did not and think there is a place for late night comics on HBO.


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## Johnturner

Did you hear about the woodworker who died by falling into a vat of varnish? It was a sad end but a beautiful finish.

Reactions: Funny 11


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## SENC

Johnturner said:


> Did you hear about the woodworker who died by falling into a vat of varnish? It was a sad end but a beautiful finish.


Ba-Dum-Dum!!


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## Kevin

Typical small town Texas politics . . .






Did you notice the topic was how to control communicable dieseases . . . . I never heard any handwashing did you?

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Ha!!!


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## thrainson



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 3


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## Schroedc

I tried this with my wife... It ended badly....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## thrainson

Schroedc said:


> I tried this with my wife... It ended badly....
> 
> View attachment 77870


I bet!


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## Mike1950

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the HECK would you say?"

Reactions: Funny 14


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## ripjack13

Kevin said:


> Typical small town Texas politics . . .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Did you notice the topic was how to control communicable dieseases . . . . I never heard any handwashing did you?



awe man...they got rid of it.....heaven forbid we should at their expense.


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## ripjack13

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...ne-use-bathroom-middle-televised-meeting.html

found it....


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> awe man...they got rid of it.....heaven forbid we should at their expense.



I found another one and edited it.


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## eaglea1

The guy laughing is almost funnier than Odin

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kevin

These are funny there's quite a few like this on YT. I posted a similar one a few months ago, but it didn't have that guys HIGHLY annoying laughter. I had to mute the sound on this one because the guy made it all about him and his retarded ( and fake) laughter. Funny to watch with muted sound though.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike1950

You 2 have been quiet lately sooooooooooo
@Tclem 
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
@SENC 
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers? The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Molokai

If you want hear a good laugh, this guy is amazing. You have to search for original, the guy talks about his work and life

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Mills

And what kind of day will it be?

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ClintW

My sister sent this to me, haha


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## Kevin



Reactions: Agree 3


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## Kevin

In case some of you are unfamiliar with Jade Helm 15 that's what this cartoon is about. Many of us Texans are quite paranoid about the Federales. Can they blame us? The pentagon has assured us they won't be taking over our state, but that didn't stop our Governor Abbot from putting the Texas State Guard on high alert and ordered them to monitor the US military closely during the coming "exercises". As if we could stop the US Military?  The feds made sure to pull the teeth of all the national and state guard units after WWII. Every administration since then has made the feds stronger and the states weaker. It's been no accident. 

The US military should NOT be doing these exercises on our state soil without our permission. But the feds tell us they no longer need permissions from the states to conduct any type of exercise they want to. Guess why that is? So why shouldn't we be paranoid? The cartoon is hilarious though.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Kevin



Reactions: Like 2


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## Mike1950

And the news today

This is how the police found one of three missing PETA protesters who chose a biker rally to whine about leather usage.



 

I bet it was fun getting that duct tape off of his belly!!!

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike1950

Been looking at that pic all day- they should arrest him for defacing that tree........

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Fsyxxx

Mike1950 said:


> Been looking at that pic all day- they should arrest him for defacing that tree........


I agree. The lets folks don't get it. If God didn't want us to eat animals he wouldn't have made them outta meat!

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950

Fsyxxx said:


> I agree. The lets folks don't get it. If God didn't want us to eat animals he wouldn't have made them outta meat!


 Nor would they have tasted so good!!!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## David Van Asperen

Why did the cowboy want to adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to " get a long little doggie "

Reactions: Funny 3


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## SENC

David Van Asperen said:


> Why did the cowboy want to adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to " get a long little doggie "


Boo! Hiss!

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Tony

David Van Asperen said:


> Why did the cowboy want to adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to " get a long little doggie "



I can't find the "slapping my forehead" icon! Tony

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kevin

Tony said:


> I can't find the "slapping my forehead" icon! Tony

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 3


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## robert flynt

ClintW said:


> My sister sent this to me, haha
> View attachment 77903


I hate spiders!!!!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Johnturner

Your sister's a real cut-up!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Johnturner

SENC said:


> Boo! Hiss!



I can't find the Rim-Shot icon.


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## ripjack13

One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin.

As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump! Think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."

He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo."

He replied, "What's the Alamo?"

She replied, "Well, bless your heart!! ~ You just go ahead and jump ... you little Yankee ~ Obama lovin' ~ Democrat Retard! You're holding up traffic!!"

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

Its fun to make no sense, but its more to make funner sense.

Reactions: Funny 1 | Creative 1


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## Brink



Reactions: Funny 5


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## SENC

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Unexpectedly, a man on foot knocks on the driver's window. The driver rolls it down and asks, "What's going on?" 

The man on foot replies, "Terrorists have taken Congress hostage and are demanding $10M in ransom. If we don't pay, they will douse all of Congress in gasoline and set them on fire. I'm going from car to car taking up a collection to try to help..."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average? 

The man on foot replies, "About a gallon..."

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9 | Way Cool 2 | Creative 1


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## robert flynt

When some one from the South says "bless you heart" they pretty much think your simple minded or you did something real stupid.

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened it's heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when, in fact, you and I are doing basically the same work?
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
@DKMD

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 7 | Way Cool 2 | Sincere 1


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## Schroedc

Mike1950 said:


> A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
> The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened it's heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when, in fact, you and I are doing basically the same work?
> The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
> @DKMD




After nearly forty years in practice as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. John tossed and turned in bed that night, dreading the next morning when the exam scores would be returned.

The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam.

John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. But tell me, how did I earn a score of 150%?"

The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."

Reactions: Funny 13


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## Kevin

robert flynt said:


> When some one from the South says "bless you heart" they pretty much think your simple minded or you did something real stupid.



Yep and there's several degrees of it:

Lower than average IQ: Bless your heart.
Moron: Bless its heart.
Imbecile: Bless its little heart.
Idiot: Bless its little pea-pickin' heart.
Monkeys and apes: Someone shoot it before it produces offspring.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## robert flynt

Kevin said:


> Yep and there's several degrees of it:
> 
> Lower than average IQ: Bless your heart.
> Moron: Bless its heart.
> Imbecile: Bless its little heart.
> Idiot: Bless its little pea-pickin' heart.
> Monkeys and apes: Someone shoot it before it produces offspring.


That's perfect Kevin!!


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## Mike1950

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone elselaughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals ........very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

Reactions: Funny 10


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## thrainson



Reactions: Funny 11


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## Kevin

Sometimes I think we really do need a thumbs down rating lol.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Wildthings

Kevin said:


> Sometimes I think we really do need a thumbs down rating lol.


Yeah I agree but not for that one - that one is funny!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Useful 1


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## Kevin

I guess I don't get the joke then if so many others think it's funny. I studied about it again but still don't get it.

Reactions: Informative 1


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## Final Strut

Kevin said:


> I guess I don't get the joke then if so many others think it's funny. I studied about it again but still don't get it.



My wife had to explain this one to me a few weeks ago so I will help you out Kevin. According to my wife Thor is the only one that can lift his hammer.

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## Schroedc

Final Strut said:


> My wife had to explain this one to me a few weeks ago so I will help you out Kevin. According to my wife Thor is the only one that can lift his hammer.



If I was Spidey, I'd just pee all over the hammer, Serves Thor right for playing such a mean joke.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Kevin

ROFLMAO thanks Scott you all were right that is hilarious!!!!!

My apologies Joeseph I'm on the way up to hit the funny icon lol.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

Schroedc said:


> If I was Spidey, I'd just pee all over the hammer, Serves Thor right for playing such a mean joke.



I think it would be like peeing on an electric fence but with about a terra volt of juice. 
.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13

I found a great deal on a saw! Only $10!

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 79041
> 
> I found a great deal on a saw! Only $10!



So the current in the handle causes your arm to spasm giving you high speed automatic cutting? We need to patent that!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Informative 1 | Creative 2


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## Fsyxxx



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Tony

Fsyxxx said:


> View attachment 79082



Dam Greg, I got that on FB awhile ago, meant to post! Funny stuff! Tony


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## Fsyxxx

Tony said:


> Dam Greg, I got that on FB awhile ago, meant to post! Funny stuff! Tony


My wife texted it to me off of faceplace.


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## thrainson



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Kevin

I love these guys and this is one of my favorite videos because it applies to just about every facet of human nature you care to apply this to. Anyone thinking about becoming a TV evangelist or any other kind of con man, this course is for you. Do what they say and you too can be the next Joel Osteen or Sun Yung Moon.






Al Gore graduated from this course at the top of his class lol.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Ha! That's awesome...when they were talking about using words that sound "sciencey" all I could think about was this....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## SENC

Kevin said:


> I love these guys and this is one of my favorite videos because it applies to just about every facet of human nature you care to apply this to. Anyone thinking about becoming a TV evangelist or any other kind of con man, this course is for you. Do what they say and you too can be the next Joel Osteen or Sun Yung Moon.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Al Gore graduated from this course at the top of his class lol.



That is spectacular!


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## ClintW

Thanks for the deletion. Didn't quite think it all the way through I guess. Won't happen again.


----------



## Mike1950

Often times, we see lawyers as too slick for the rest of us to deal with. However, in this humorous story, two lawyers realized that they should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

_In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”_

_She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realise you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”_

_The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”_


_She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”_

_The defense attorney nearly died._

_The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said:_


_“If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”_

Reactions: Funny 10


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## thrainson



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13

I found a huge Burl in my wood chips pile today...

Reactions: Like 1 | Way Cool 4


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## Kevin

That's cool Marc. But hey you didn't mention to us that Henry was visiting you. Has he been there long?

Reactions: Funny 1 | +Karma 1


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## ripjack13

I think burls cuter than henry....

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> I think burls cuter than henry....



Maybe you don't understand.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Ahahahahahahahahahaaaaa.
I got it now....lol


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

Penelope said:


> View attachment 79720


Outstanding improvement!!! I can't imagine how much all that work cost! I like the name change too!!


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## SENC

Words you never thought you'd utter (or hear uttered): I'm leaving and I'm not coming back until @Kevin returns.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## woodtickgreg

OK that's just creepy..........


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## TimR

Old one from a few years ago, but still funny if not seen. Crazy part, is that it's not even the cheater's home!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## thrainson




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## thrainson



Reactions: Funny 2 | Way Cool 1 | Creative 1


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## Kevin

TimR said:


> Old one from a few years ago, but still funny if not seen. Crazy part, is that it's not even the cheater's home!



That's funny but it has to be fake as Penelope.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Schroedc

Kevin said:


> That's funny but it has to be fake as Penelope.



I'd have figured there'd be some shooting if that were for real. Plus he took the motor off first, gave up a good chunk of weight to do any damage.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## gman2431

HAHAHA!

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## Kevin



Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## ripjack13

From Wheaties to Fruit loops.....

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Oregon for some sightseeing. He was cruising along a campground on the Rogue when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot Black Bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting!
By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Portland and get another one?"

Reactions: Funny 9


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## ripjack13

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. 

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. 

We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, ‘Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!’

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike1950

Memories
came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's. He didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, Ithought he might like some Harp Lager. He didn't like that either. So, I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's. Nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so sh!t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## Mike Mills

Well, more the truth than a joke...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## Kevin

What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? -- A bachelor.

Never iron a 4 leaf clover - you don't want to press your luck.

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't got the joke yet.

What do you call an Irishman who sits outside all night? Paddy O' Furniture

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## Johnturner

Kevin
What's with all the Irish bashing????
Some of us take offense.


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## Schroedc

Johnturner said:


> Kevin
> What's with all the Irish bashing????
> Some of us take offense.



He's an exiled leprechaun.......

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## Kevin

Johnturner said:


> Kevin
> What's with all the Irish bashing????
> Some of us take offense.



If you can't laugh at Irish jokes, in a joke section, especially by another Irishman then you probably shouldn't read the joke section. 

John what is the definition of safe sex in Burlington, Massachusetts?
Placing caution signs on the animals that kick and bite.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Johnturner

Your right Kevin - Sometimes I tend to overreact. My Apologies.
John

Reactions: +Karma 1


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## Kevin

Johnturner said:


> Your right Kevin - Sometimes I tend to overreact. My Apologies.
> John



I never overreact to anything so I have a hard time understanding why some people do. Okay that is probably the funniest thing ever said in this joke thread lol. 

No apology needed my friend.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2


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## Johnturner

BTW That IS the definition of safe sex in Burlington, MA!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## SENC

Kevin said:


> I never overreact to anything

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3 | +Karma 1


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## Mike1950

Marc @ripjack13 has his weekly woodworking? and Henry has his @SENC has his weekly word. This is my wise words for the week.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 12


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## ripjack13

Kevin said:


> The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't got the joke yet.



Boo hiss....

Reactions: Funny 1 | +Karma 1


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## ripjack13

Mike1950 said:


> Marc @ripjack13 has his weekly woodworking? and Henry has his @SENC has his weekly word. This is my wise words for the week.
> 
> View attachment 80571



@Mike1950 weekly wisdoms?

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## SENC

ripjack13 said:


> @Mike1950 weekly wisdoms?


YES! It is good to learn from the ancients!

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Mills

It's lunch time and I FINALLY found the butter.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

The stuff that comes in those tubs ain't anything even close to butter and will clog a gorilla's veins but what's in the middle tubs looks yummy.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## ripjack13

It's one molecule away from being plastic isn't it?


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## Fsyxxx

My wife sent this to me with a note. "That's you!"

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Kevin

Fsyxxx said:


> View attachment 80668
> My wife sent this to me with a note. "That's you!"



Man am I ever paranoid. I thought you were aiming it at Doc.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## manbuckwal



Reactions: Funny 12


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## DKMD

Kevin said:


> Man am I ever paranoid. I thought you were aiming it at Doc.



But I am a smartass... Who just happens to be highly skilled in sarcastically pointing out the obvious. Sheesh

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Mike Mills

The sink chicken with the remote reminded me of...

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6 | Creative 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## Tony



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## SENC



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## ripjack13

I've been doing it all wrong. I guess it is OK to lie about who you are, lie on job applications, college application, census, etc as long as you "identify" with your lie....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## SENC

ripjack13 said:


> I've been doing it all wrong. I guess it is OK to lie about who you are, lie on job applications, college application, census, etc as long as you "identify" with your lie....


Yes, and this is also the answer to your debate with Michelle. A carpenter IS a woodworker if they identify as one.

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Aha!!! That's great!!


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## thrainson

http://toyland.gizmodo.com/how-they-built-that-amazing-groot-swing-for-a-guardians-1668702989

Reactions: Way Cool 10


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## thrainson

Any ideas on how this was done???


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## Mr. Peet

How what was done?


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## eaglea1

thrainson said:


> Any ideas on how this was done???


 
Yep, they bought a statue and tied a swing on it...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ClintW

Groot Swing Set

Looks like they welded a frame and coved it with foam and fiberglass.

Reactions: Way Cool 3


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## Kenbo



Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## Final Strut



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Kevin



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1


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## manbuckwal



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ClintW

A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish. 

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish. 
Warden: your pet fish? How's that? 
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night. 
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!! 
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake) 
Warden: well this I got to see!! 
5 minutes later... 
Warden: well?? 
Man: what? 
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish?? 
Man: what fish??

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 10


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## manbuckwal



Reactions: Funny 5


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## manbuckwal



Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 6 | Creative 1


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## Mike1950

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am.

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the
water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
(get ready for this)

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
> asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am.
> 
> So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the
> water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
> 
> By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
> 
> The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
> (get ready for this)
> 
> The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
> 
> "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"



I wish like hell you'd quit picking on me. And how the hell did you find out about it are you and my wife friends on Facebook or something?

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> I wish like hell you'd quit picking on me. And how the hell did you find out about it are you and my wife friends on Facebook or something?



Sorry  well  I really am not- my cousin-Irish- her dad was a second dad to me sent me it this morning and I just could not resist.


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## thrainson

Know your car warning lights:

Reactions: Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## NYWoodturner

A friend of ours adopts / rescues shepherds just sent this pic tonight with the caption...
* "Have you seen my ball? It's not in the couch!"


 
*
I've been laughing about it all night. There is not an ounce of regret in that dogs eyes... AND it's not my couch

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

You better have a plan before you try to let a shepherd own you. And we're down to 4. Beautiful dog! Smart too he know how to make his "masters" cater to him.


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## ripjack13

*How the world sees San Fransisco...*


 


*How Clint Eastwood sees San Fransisco...*

*

 *

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

I don't get it.


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## Kevin

Oh the car chase? LMAO. I guess the new model cars threw me off a bit. Would have been better with the second shot being period 70s cars.


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## woodtickgreg

Kevin said:


> I don't get it.


Me either?


----------



## Fsyxxx

He always squints his eyes..

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 2


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## Kevin

Fsyxxx said:


> He always squints his eyes..


Okay i get it. Thats funny.

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13

Hmm........I'll try not to get so technically funny next time for the  crowd...

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Lemme try this one....before I get boo'd outa here....

Reactions: Funny 2


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## manbuckwal

NYWoodturner said:


> A friend of ours adopts / rescues shepherds just sent this pic tonight with the caption...
> * "Have you seen my ball? It's not in the couch!"
> View attachment 81749
> *
> I've been laughing about it all night. There is not an ounce of regret in that dogs eyes... AND it's not my couch




Thats good stuff right there (pun intended) !!!!!


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> Lemme try this one....before I get boo'd outa here....



If anyone needs this joke explained let me know. I kin dew it cuz I is a pretty fart smeller.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## manbuckwal



Reactions: Funny 3


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## thrainson



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 4


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## SENC

Love the skyjacking solution! Duh!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Sincere 1


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## Kenbo

57 States? Even a dumb ass Canadian knows that isn't right.

and he has one more to go but he couldn't go to Hawaii or Alaska. That makes 60 States. 
What the hell?!?!?! Are the States multiplying?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Final Strut

Haha I love the last line "a meat head, dead from the neck up". I am going to chuckle about that all day and in my work just might use it.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1


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## Mike Mills

Of course there are 57 states...... the member states of the OIC or Organisation of Islamic Cooperation

Reactions: Like 2


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## Mike Mills

The Keys 
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. She's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized she was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. 
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my wife: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard her voice."Are you kidding me?" "I dropped you off!" 
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She replied,"I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"

Ain't it fun getting older...

Reactions: Funny 12


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## ripjack13

Colin, I saw your title and thought of this....






@Schroedc

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1 | Creative 1


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## barry richardson

ripjack13 said:


>


Thats hilarious!

Reactions: Like 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike1950

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from West Virginia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes was done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

Reactions: Funny 12


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## Tony

Mike1950 said:


> Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.
> 
> The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
> 
> The second man had married a woman from West Virginia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes was done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
> 
> The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!



True story Mike..........

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## manbuckwal



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 10


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## ripjack13

http://i.Rule #2/OvggWKr.gif

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Mills

Three ways to fail a DUI test.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Mills

Ball Mason Jars

Reactions: Funny 9


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## ripjack13

http://i.Rule #2/AGoCmhr.gifv

Reactions: Funny 9


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 5


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## thrainson



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Kevin

I had to stare for a few seconds before getting it. That's funny.


----------



## Mike1950

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." 
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for aminute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."

Reactions: Funny 12


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## ripjack13

Mute the video....the canned laughter is annoying.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## duncsuss

Mike Mills said:


> The Keys
> They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. She's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized she was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
> Then I made the most difficult call of all to my wife: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
> There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard her voice."Are you kidding me?" "I dropped you off!"
> Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
> She replied,"I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"
> 
> Ain't it fun getting older...



In a similar vein, twenty-some years ago I was doing a lot of business travel and got back to Heathrow airport from a trip someplace. Made my way over to the parking garage by Terminal 3, up to the level where I habitually parked, and looked around for my car. Hmmm. Maybe it had been busy and I'd had to park on a different level ... checked out each floor in turn.

After a half hour or so, I decided to wander back into the terminal planning to report my car stolen ... when I finally remembered that I'd taken a cab to the airport because my car was in the shop for its maintenance.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

Duncan I've never done anything like that. Never looked for my glasses for 10 minutes before texting my wife who replied "check your head." 

Never looked for my keys when they were in my hand the whole time. 

But yes I admit I have lost my car before more than once back in the day.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## thrainson



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 2


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## Schroedc

Kevin said:


> Duncan I've never done anything like that. Never looked for my glasses for 10 minutes before texting my wife who replied "check your head."
> 
> Never looked for my keys when they were in my hand the whole time.
> 
> But yes I admit I have lost my car before more than once back in the day.



I managed to misplace a sea green 64 Lincoln continental at mall once. Came in the north door went out the south door and spent 45 minutes trying to find it before a mall security guy helping me out said "that's weird, there's one just like that on the north side of the mall..."

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Kevin

Schroedc said:


> I managed to misplace a sea green 64 Lincoln continental at mall once. Came in the north door went out the south door and spent 45 minutes trying to find it before a mall security guy helping me out said "that's weird, there's one just like that on the north side of the mall..."



Oftentimes when I lost cars or trucks, I also had uniformed personnel "helping me" as well.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

thrainson said:


> View attachment 82862



I'm not a fan of "crude" humor and although some might call this one crude I think it's positively hilarious. Puts things in perspective too. Now when my wife comes home from work I'll ask her if she had a toothbrush day or butt paper day.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

When I was working in the beer business, I had a position where I drove my company car home. My Dad was the fleet supervisor. I went to the store on time after work, came out to find my car gone. Called Dad to tell him, he said, "Bubba, your car is here getting a brake job, you're in a spare." Don't feel alone guys!! Tony

Reactions: Funny 4


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## kweinert

Once, as a commuter student, my ex had to get the car registered for the new semester. Normally commuters had to park out at the stadium and take the bus in, couldn't park on campus. She drove in to the campus police, registered the car, came out, got on a bus, finished class, went to the stadium, reported the car stolen.

Then remembered it was parked in the police parking lot. Called them back, blamed it on me, that I had moved it while she was in class.

When I was growing up we lived out in the country. Gravel roads, woods across the street, lots of farms, etc. My Dad was working for a drive-away company, where they'd put a second vehicle on a tow bar to deliver them. Things like UPS trucks, etc.

One day while on a delivery he was close enough to home to stop by and we all went out to dinner. No problem. Until someone saw two Brinks armored vehicles sitting out behind someones house way out in the country.

Heard from the neighbor later. SWAT was out, in the trees across the road, spotlights, megaphones demanding we come out of the house, the whole bit. When they went to evacuate the neighbor he explained what was going on, they saw the temp plates on the vehicle, etc. Packed up and left.

If the neighbor hadn't told us we'd've never known there had been a problem.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike1950

For the southiners!!
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is
Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin' to
tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my
cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from
Hooters. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still
on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks
and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one
and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry
to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat
over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed
that many prisoners."

SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

If you are a REAL Southerner, you won't even need to be told to pass this on!

GOD BLESS EVERYBODY

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

Mike that's funny, but it's also quite accurate. Remember that signature I had for a while? 

_Confidence is the feeling I sometimes have before I fully understand the situation_

It seems to be a southern trait. Sometimes it is a strength but often times it gets our arses in a bind lol. Funny joke.

Reactions: Agree 5


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> Mike that's funny, but it's also quite accurate. Remember that signature I had for a while?
> 
> _Confidence is the feeling I sometimes have before I fully understand the situation_
> 
> It seems to be a southern trait. Sometimes it is a strength but often times it gets our arses in a bind lol. Funny joke.



I've always told my Son that self confidence is the most important thing. It has bitten me in the butt because now he is one of the cockiest little s##t's I know! Guess I was a better teacher than I knew....... Tony

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## SENC

It is true what they say about white guys...

https://i.Rule #2/8oewHKo.gif

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8


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## Tony

SENC said:


> It is true what they say about white guys...
> 
> https://i.Rule #2/8oewHKo.gif



Sad but true


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## ripjack13

I met a sober irish guy yesterday....it was very offensive to me....so I punched em and dumped my beer on em.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## thrainson



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13




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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13

I saw it and thought of you guys....
@phinds & @Mr. Peet 
I thought you guys might get a kick outa that one....

Reactions: Funny 5


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## thrainson



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## NYWoodturner

@Kevin and @SENC Gail wanted me to post this in your be halves...

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6


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## Kevin

Tell her that's why most of the members here will never win a spelling pee.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> Tell her that's why most of the members here will never win a spelling pee.



Now that's funny, I don't care who you are!!!!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> Tell her that's why most of the members here will never win a spelling pee.



Is that one of those Yankee things where you spell stuff in snow?????

Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodtickgreg

Tony said:


> Is that one of those Yankee things where you spell stuff in snow?????


It is where I come from.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## robert flynt

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 83033


Must be the same guy in Colorado, who shot his self in the foot twice with with a 22. Once with boot on and once with his boot off, to see which one hurt the worst.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## kweinert

Kevin said:


> Tell her that's why most of the members here will never win a spelling pee.



But I can write my name in the snow! That should count for something, right?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



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## thrainson



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Mike1950

I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck
Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
Came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck ,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with,

Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The
United States

Damn I love this truck....

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## DKMD

My four year old daughter drew this at art camp today... The supervisor felt the need to show it to my wife when today's session was finished.



 

Here's the turtle my son made two weeks ago...



 

What kind of summer camp did we send them too?!?!

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Schroedc

DKMD said:


> My four year old daughter drew this at art camp today... The supervisor felt the need to show it to my wife when today's session was finished.
> 
> View attachment 83304
> 
> Here's the turtle my son made two weeks ago...
> 
> View attachment 83305
> 
> What kind of summer camp did we send them too?!?!



Depending on what kind of doctor you are this might not be that weird......

Reactions: Funny 5


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## SENC

Schroedc said:


> Depending on what kind of doctor you are this might not be that weird......


Bone doc?

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike1950

robert flynt said:


> Must be the same guy in Colorado, who shot his self in the foot twice with with a 22. Once with boot on and once with his boot off, to see which one hurt the worst.



I think I have told this here before but this reminded me of it. 1982 my oldest was 2. I was alone with him and he started to get bright red splotches all over. They just kept getting worse. I took him to our small town emergency room. They sat us on a bed and we then proceeded to wait while 2 docs and 2 nurses cut this guys boot off. He had been practicing his quick draw with a single action 22 pistol. To speed his shot up he had it cocked in holster. well you guessed it- while he was clearing leather the Pistol went off prematurely, shooting himself squarely in the middle of his foot. The thick cowboy boots helped keep the bullet from going all the ways through. He was obviously in some pain and was making sure everyone in earshot knew about it. Cussing up a storm. After about 5 minutes of a continuous tirade of 4 letter words he stopped to take a breath. In the silence Joey-my son- Said "Daddy, he has a big owiey doesn't he" Everyone including the shooter started laughing. About 15 seconds later shooter stopped laughing and announced that it was not "F...ING FUNNY" in a very loud voice. Nurse came over moved us and got a curtain around us and proceeded to tell joey how cute he was. I think shooting yourself is probably something to avoid!!!!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Kevin

I laughed harder at the last few posts than I have in a long while. Mike I don't know where you are getting your jokes lately but some of them are freaking classic. 

Doc that was hilarious but to answer your question it wasn't the camp - your kids are savants and can read daddy's mind.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> I laughed harder at the last few posts than I have in a long while. Mike I don't know where you are getting your jokes lately but some of them are freaking classic.
> 
> Doc that was hilarious but to answer your question it wasn't the camp - your kids are savants and can read daddy's mind.



The Irish ones- come from my cousin- a few friends- a couple from FB. The last one is a true story...... Thanks though- I enjoy sharing them.

Reactions: Like 2


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## DKMD

Kevin said:


> Doc that was hilarious but to answer your question it wasn't the camp - your kids are savants and can read daddy's mind.



I can assure you penis turtles are the furthest thing from my mind.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Schroedc

DKMD said:


> I can assure you penis turtles are the furthest thing from my mind.



Suuuuuure they are....., you identified them pretty quick......

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## DKMD

Schroedc said:


> Suuuuuure they are....., you identified them pretty quick......



OK, OK, you got me...

But by your logic, there are a lot of penis turtle fans on this site.

Reactions: Informative 1


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## Schroedc

DKMD said:


> OK, OK, you got me...
> 
> But by your logic, there are a lot of penis turtle fans on this site.



Well, have we actually established that penis turtles are a bad thing??

Reactions: Funny 2


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## DKMD

Schroedc said:


> Well, have we actually established that penis turtles are a bad thing??



My wife thinks it's cute... I find it intimidating

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## Kevin

I'm inspecting my turtles closely. I'll get back to you shortly . . . . . .

Reactions: Funny 3


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## manbuckwal

I don't know why this made me think of Kevin.............

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike1950

manbuckwal said:


> I don't know why this made me think of Kevin.............
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 83322



That picture makes me think of a picture @Kevin posted a long time ago. Him sawing a stump with a very long bar on saw. I bet he can't find pic!!!  Proportions are about right in your pic Tom- other then bar...........

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> I bet he can't find pic!!!

Reactions: Like 6 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> View attachment 83323



Yep that is the one- I see the resemblance @manbuckwal

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike1950

COOL picture @Kevin unbelievable bar to be using that way- makes my back hurt just looking at it..............

Reactions: Agree 1


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## manbuckwal

Mike1950 said:


> COOL picture @Kevin unbelievable bar to be using that way- makes my back hurt just looking at it..............



I was thinking the same , made my back hurt just seeing it


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> COOL picture @Kevin unbelievable bar to be using that way- makes my back hurt just looking at it..............



I seriously doubt I can do it anymore. At least not hold it out free hanging and gingerly place it where I would want. I'd have to just lay it where I want and manhandle it as best I could i.e. drag it sideways until I got the placement right then pull the trigger.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> View attachment 83323



That's impressive at any age!!! Tony


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## manbuckwal



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## manbuckwal



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## Tony

manbuckwal said:


> View attachment 83427



If those were clamps it would be me! Tony

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## wombat

Someone got a little carried away with their wood stacking !!

Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 4


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## thrainson



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## SENC

Just as accurate as it is humorous:



It’s a slow day in a Greek village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.


On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drink bill at the tavern.

The pub owner slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.


No one produced anything. No one earned anything.


However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.


And that is how the bailout package works...

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 6 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13

yes, but...all it takes is one schmuck to screw up the shebang....

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Kevin

@woodtickgreg Greg you're going to love this. This is funny as all gitout wish it were 5 minutes long...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## DKMD

Nice! I'm not much of a cat fan, but it's hard not to laugh at that.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodtickgreg

OMG! Kevin thanks for that, lmao! Too funny and damn cute. Kittens crack me up, well any baby animal actually. I love em all.


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## ClintW



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## ripjack13

I changed my password on my computer to "incorrect"...that way if I ever forget it will tell me...your password is incorrect...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## SENC

ripjack13 said:


> I changed my password on my computer to "incorrect"...that way if I ever forget it will tell me...your password is incorrect...


Ok, Tony, stop messing with Marc's account.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Kevin

Me neither I'm a dog dude all the way but that little guy has kung fu moves -- he looks like a cross of the karate cat and the retarded cat.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Fsyxxx

Too funny. Wrong but funny.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## ripjack13

Any star wars fans here?

http://img.pandawhale.com/post-28317-Darth-Vader-Baseball-gif-homer-sbtX.gif

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tony

Fsyxxx said:


> View attachment 83738
> 
> Too funny. Wrong but funny.



It is wrong, he's cut into steaks, not fillets! Tony

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike1950

This is funny but when you think about it- these folks are watching over us and making decisions every day!! OMG

Reactions: Funny 3 | Informative 1


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## Mike1950

PS- I also wonder what he has been smokin??

Reactions: Agree 2


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## SENC

Sad.

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## Mike1950

SENC said:


> Sad.



So you think we are going to lose Guam?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## SENC

Mike1950 said:


> So you think we are going to lose Guam?


It does look tippy!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## TimR

After seeing the video @Mike1950 posted, this one popped up...it'll just have you shakin your head...

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike1950

@TimR After watching that-seeing who is in charge-making decisions for us- only only thought comes to mind.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Mike Mills

Mike1950 said:


> PS- I also wonder what he has been smokin??



I don't think he has been smoking anything.
I believe he was born that stupid.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> This is funny but when you think about it- these folks are watching over us and making decisions every day!! OMG



I swear I didn't realize their were literal morons up there. I thought it was a spoof at first but apparently he really thinks Guam could actually "capsize". Doesn't the idiot know the USN has a huge compressor hooked up to it all the time automatically keeping it at 90 PSI around the clock? Sheesh.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950

I am not making these up!!

Reactions: Informative 1 | Useful 1


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## Kevin

"We have to pass the bill so we can see what is in it."

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 2


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## Mike Mills

At least you can see how many stay to hear Hank's rantings
This time about the "M" word...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kevin

I had no idea that guy even existed. I seriously can't believe he got elected. His IQ is about the same as my waist size and I am not too much overweight. And he was probably elected by a constituency with an average IQ of my shoe size. I'm glad we do not watch the "news" so I don't have to watch this circus. You have to admit though it is pretty entertaining even if sad.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodtickgreg

I can't watch anymore of this stuff, IT JUST PISSES ME OFF!!!!!

Reactions: Agree 4


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## Kevin

He better not start picking on leprechauns. Of course black folk generally like us leprechauns so I doubt I need to worry.


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> I had no idea that guy even existed. I seriously can't believe he got elected. His IQ is about the same as my waist size and I am not too much overweight. And he was probably elected by a constituency with an average IQ of my shoe size. I'm glad we do not watch the "news" so I don't have to watch this circus. You have to admit though it is pretty entertaining even if sad.



If you look him up- he is still in office. voted by his peers in the Democrat side of congress as 18th most effective congressman.  Staffers rate him as a bad speaker and thinker. I only draw one conclusion - We are so SCREWED!!!!!!!!!!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Mills

Mike1950 said:


> If you look him up- he is still in office.



Behold the power of free cell phones.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## DKMD

I learned something from him... You don't have to cater to the midget vote... Uh... M-word vote.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## TimR

Well...time to change the subject...let's talk trash...

Reactions: Funny 9


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## manbuckwal



Reactions: Agree 5 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## thrainson



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13

@SENC

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## SENC

Daayuuum!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Mills

I think I like this little town..

Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 7 | Way Cool 2


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## thrainson

Mike Mills said:


> I think I like this little town..


I really like that little town!!!!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Fsyxxx



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Tony

Mike Mills said:


> I think I like this little town..



My kind of town! Tony

Reactions: Agree 2


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## NYWoodturner

Mike Mills said:


> I think I like this little town..



Cant help but like that guy. I'm quite sure he's representative of the town too. Great post Mike

Reactions: Agree 3


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## barry richardson

I'm getting real tired of getting so much junk mail. I conduct almost all my business on line these days, and the post office won't stop delivering advertising junk, I wonder if they would get the message with this mail box? Think it's USPS approved?

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Kevin

Mike Mills said:


> I think I like this little town..



THAT IS SO FANTASTIC!!!! One of the better videos of any kind that I have ever seen man that is just off the charts cool!!! Good for that LEO having that kind of personality - the people must love those guys.


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## Kevin

barry richardson said:


> I'm getting real tired of getting so much junk mail. I conduct almost all my business on line these days, and the post office won't stop delivering advertising junk, I wonder if they would get the message with this mail box? Think it's USPS approved?
> View attachment 84205



Hey I bet Henry will recognize that guy!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Molokai



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Molokai



Reactions: Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## Sprung

Molokai said:


>



Been there, done that! (Though not ever for that long, I don't think.)


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## manbuckwal



Reactions: Funny 7


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## NYWoodturner



Reactions: Agree 4 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## SENC

NYWoodturner said:


> View attachment 84342


Many of them elected.

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## Tony

barry richardson said:


> I'm getting real tired of getting so much junk mail. I conduct almost all my business on line these days, and the post office won't stop delivering advertising junk, I wonder if they would get the message with this mail box? Think it's USPS approved?
> View attachment 84205



I need to get that mailbox! It would go perfectly with the doorbell I'm going to have @Wildthings make me!!! Tony

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Wildthings

LOL I've mounted two of them like that but not for doorbells. (hmmm may be the wrong choice of verbs) Naaaahhhh

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Tony

Wildthings said:


> LOL I've mounted two of them



I have no words...................

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## barry richardson

Wildthings said:


> LOL I've mounted two of them like that but not for doorbells. (hmmm may be the wrong choice of verbs) Naaaahhhh


Thats nothing, Big Rowdy mounts matadors!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Alan Sweet

Just hear this..

In a room full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The Lamaze instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

The smell of sensitivity in the morning...

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## thrainson



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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## thrainson

Brand new genetically engineered seed....




In two short years you too can have your very own Donut tree in full bloom!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Final Strut

thrainson said:


> Brand new genetically engineered seed....
> View attachment 84625
> 
> In two short years you too can have your very own Donut tree in full bloom!
> View attachment 84626

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike1950

His name was Chappy, gunned down in his prime after lured out of the Reserve with a samich... The hunter did if for Trophy Hunting! He was 13 years old and had 6200 children. We need for this to go viral people!!!!

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike1950

FOR THE TEXICANS

A man in Denver, CO decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute." 
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. 
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Green Bay, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and got the same answer from each pastor.. 
Finally, he arrived in Texas . Upon entering a church in Fort Worth, Tx., behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents. Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?" 
The pastor, smiling, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now. This is God's country...it's a local call."

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 2 | Funny 6


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## Mike1950

Got a new stick deodorant today.... the instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely...........

Reactions: Funny 10 | Way Cool 1


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## SENC

Mike1950 said:


> Got a new stick deodorant today.... the instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely...........

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

nana, nana, nana, nana, Batman!!

Reactions: Funny 9


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## thrainson



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Mike Mills

My wife put me on the new Rosebush Diet.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## The PenSmith



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

Tony said:


> View attachment 84829
> nana, nana, nana, nana, Batman!!



Here's another one that I need 'splained to me. What's the deal Big Dan?


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## SENC

Kevin said:


> Here's another one that I need 'splained to me. What's the deal Big Dan?


STOP!!! No-one help! Let's see how long it takes him on his own! How about a wager on whether he or @Tclem figure it out first?

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Final Strut

SENC said:


> STOP!!! No-one help! Let's see how long it takes him on his own! How about a wager on whether he or @Tclem figure it out first?


Haha. I just copied the URL that will help but I will wait.


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## Wildthings

Kevin said:


> Here's another one that I need 'splained to me. What's the deal Big Dan?



edited: Oh crap almost gave it away!!


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## Tclem

SENC said:


> STOP!!! No-one help! Let's see how long it takes him on his own! How about a wager on whether he or @Tclem figure it out first?


Ok I give up

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kevin

"nana" okay I get it. I never called my grandma "nana" and none in my family have ever been called "nana" so that why I didn't get it. I would assume monkeys and apes call their grandma's "nana". 

Henry you are evil.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Wildthings

Have y'all seen Tubechop.com

It allows you to drop a youtube address in and then chop the video to the only section you're interested in

Reactions: Way Cool 3


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## Wildthings

Nanna nanna nanna nanna Batman


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## Tclem

Kevin said:


> "nana" okay I get it. I never called my grandma "nana" and none in my family have ever been called "nana" so that why I didn't get it. I would assume monkeys and apes call their grandma's "nana".
> 
> Henry you are evil.


Yeah I kept saying mo mo mo mo mo man. Never did sound right

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

Tclem said:


> Yeah I kept saying mo mo mo mo mo man. Never did sound right



Ya got one too many mo there Tone. I guess you just added one mo.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Tclem

Kevin said:


> Ya got one too many mo there Tone. I guess you just added one mo.


Yeah I got tongue tied. Lol

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Wildthings

Tclem said:


> Yeah I got tongue tied. Lol

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike1950

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## Kevin




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## SENC

Mike1950 said:


> Dirty old men can still think fast.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Sprung

I'm thinking I might need to have some soup later...

Reactions: Like 5 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

LMAO!!! I love that one Matt.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Sprung

Kevin said:


> LMAO!!! I love that one Matt.



A friend posted it on Facebook today and I felt it needed to be shared. I also shared it with my wife and I have a sneaking suspicion that she's going to be checking what's in the pot and the bowl next time I tell her I'm making soup.

Reactions: Funny 3 | Way Cool 1 | +Karma 1


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## Sprung

And after the way the last few weeks have been, I think I might be making soup for dinner tomorrow!


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## Tony

Mike1950 said:


> An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
> 
> He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
> it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
> 
> One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
> 
> He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
> 
> As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
> 
> As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
> 
> He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
> 
> One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
> 
> The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
> 
> Holding the bucket up he said,
> 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
> 
> Some old men can still think fast.



I'm going out in the back yard to dig me a swimming hole....... Tony

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## SENC

Sprung said:


> View attachment 84980
> 
> I'm thinking I might need to have some soup later...


Very nice, and they even spelled whisky correctly!


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## manbuckwal

Sprung said:


> View attachment 84980
> 
> I'm thinking I might need to have some soup later...



My kind of soup !

Reactions: Agree 1


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## manbuckwal



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike1950

A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap." . . . The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tony

This certainly isn't the most hilarious thing I've ever seen, but it tickled my funny bone. Plus, it's from my favorite movie of all time! Tony

Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 3


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## Kevin

One of my favorite ones too Tony. So many great lines to quote from that one.

_You're an angel. Then again, you may be the Antichrist . . . _

Reactions: Like 4


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## Tony

"Are you gonna do something, or are you going to just stand there and bleed?"

Reactions: Like 1


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## woodtickgreg

"you aint no daisy"

Reactions: Like 2


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## Kevin

You're so drunk you're probably seeing double.

I have two guns, one for each of ya.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> You're so drunk you're probably seeing double.
> 
> I have two guns, one for each of ya.



One of my favorite scenes!


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## Schroedc

"Nonsense, I have not yet begun to defile myself."

Reactions: Like 4 | Great Post 1


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## Kevin

http://www.tubechop.com/watch/6555027

Reactions: Like 4 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## thrainson

Kevin said:


> http://www.tubechop.com/watch/6555027


Best scene !


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## Alan Sweet

We seem to out of these loads in our area. Do you have any on your shelves?

Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike1950

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

Reactions: Funny 8


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## ripjack13

Kevin said:


> One of my favorite ones too Tony. So many great lines to quote from that one.
> 
> _You're an angel. Then again, you may be the Antichrist . . . _



Look, darling, Johnny Ringo. The deadliest pistoleer since Wild Bill, they say. What do you think, darling? Should I hate him?
You don't even know him
Yes, but there's just something about him. Something around the eyes, I don't know, reminds me of... me. No. I'm sure of it, I hate him.
(then the latin jib jab)
Evidently Mr. Ringo's an educated man. Now I really hate him.


I'm your huckleberry...

Reactions: Like 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike1950

Sorry ahead of time if we have any Rosie fans but I could not resist-

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tony

Mike1950 said:


> Sorry ahead of time if we have any Rosie fans but I could not resist-
> 
> View attachment 85411



Dang it, you beat me to it Mike! I was just going to post this one! Tony

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Mills

WHAT OUR PARENTS TEACH US

1.*My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE *.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 

2.*My mother taught me RELIGION*.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 

3.*My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL*.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 

4.*My father taught me LOGIC*.
" Because I said so, that's why." 

5.*My mother taught me MORE LOGIC*..
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck you're not going to the store with me." 

6.*My mother taught me FORESIGHT*.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident." 

7.*My father taught me IRONY*.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." 

8.*My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS *.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 

9.*My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM*.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck." 

10..*My mother taught me about STAMINA*..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 

11..*My mother taught me about WEATHER*..
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 

12..*My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY*.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 

13..*My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE*.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..." 

14.*My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION *.
"Stop acting like your father!" 

15..*My mother taught me about ENVY*.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 

16..*My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION*.

"Just wait until we get home." 

17..*My mother taught me about RECEIVING*.
"You are going to get it from your father when he gets home!" 

18..*My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE*.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes they are going to get stuck that way." 

19..*My mother taught me ESP*.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 

20. *My father taught me HUMOR.*
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes don't come running to me." 

21..*My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT *.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 

22..*My mother taught me GENETICS*.
"You're just like your father.." 

23..*My mother taught me about my ROOTS*.
"Shut that door behind you, do you think you were born in a barn?" 

24..*My mother taught me WISDOM*.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand. 

25..*My father taught me about JUSTICE *.
"One day you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you !"

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 5


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## Mike1950

Actual ad from the 50's

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

Oops forgot the best one . . .







And another . . .

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Mills

OSHA is finally relaxing requirement on job sites a little for welding, face mask, and head gear.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Kevin

Kevin July 5th 2015 said:


>

Reactions: Creative 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Kevin

pi are round, cornbread are square.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kevin

Marc are a smartass too.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## woodtickgreg

Kevin said:


> Marc are a smartass too.


lmao Yeah but he's one of us.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13

I love that movie....

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Kevin

*Actual pilot complaints sent to the mechanics…*

This was posted back in 2006 on FlightAware. Apparently, UPS pilots fill out a form known as a “gripe sheet” to inform mechanics about problems with their aircraft. The mechanics then correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Hence, here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a *P*) and the solutions recorded (marked with an *S*) by maintenance engineers (and who says that aviation mechanics do not have a sense of humour!):

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. 
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. 
* 
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. 
S: Probably because auto-land is not installed on this aircraft. 
* 
P: Something loose in cockpit 
S: Something tightened in cockpit 
* 
P: Dead bugs on windshield. 
S: Live bugs on back-order. 
* 
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode has a 200 ft. per min. descent. 
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. 
* 
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 
S: Evidence removed. 
* 
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. 
S: DME volume set to more believable level. 
* 
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 
S: That’s what friction locks are for. 
* 
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. 
S: IFF IS inoperative in OFF mode. 
* 
P: Suspected crack in windshield. 
S: Suspect you’re right. 
* 
P: Number 3 engine missing. 
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. 
* 
PS: Aircraft acting funny 
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. 
* 
P: Target radar hums. 
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. 
* 
P: Mouse in cockpit. 
S: Cat installed. 
* 
And the best one for last 
* 
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding on something with a hammer. 
S: Took hammer away from midget

Reactions: Funny 9


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## thrainson



Reactions: Funny 3


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## barry richardson

From a friend's wall, thanks Rob... "PARKING TICKET: My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Obama stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!!!" LOL...Mike D.

Reactions: Funny 11


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## ripjack13

http://oldspice.com/en/content/old-spice-fresher-collection-deodorant-timber


The strength of a redwood and the mystic scent of mint in TIMBER are power for your body, soul, and jet-powered chainsaw, if you happen to use one. With woodsman-style sweat protection, this Old Spice Invisible Solid Men’s Antiperspirant & Deodorant gives you a smell armpits can carve initials into and chop down for shelter. The Fresher Collection—where freshness smells from.




*FAQS*
*What are the pros of procuring this product?*
It plants a flag of fragrance high atop your man mountain
It gives heart to the weak, while striking fear into your enemies
It smells like cobra fangs
It allows you to mark large geographical areas with your scent and increase your dominion
It increases your ability to sense other dimensions
It makes you feel like a delicious meatball sandwich for women
It makes larger mammals fear you
It allows you to save small animals using only your man scent

*What are the cons of procuring this product?*
It incites an unmistakable urge to wrestle large animals
It creates a desire to climb tall mountains simply because they exist
It smells too manly
Its manly scent causes people to assume you're an astronaut able to answer aerospace queries

*What if my current soap isn't manly enough?*
Try Old Spice® Body Wash

*What if I smell like a turtle cage?*
Try Old Spice Deodorant

*What if I want to slap the smell of America on my face?*
Try an Old Spice fragrance in Aftershave or Cologne

*What if my armpits sprung a leak?*
Try Old Spice Anti-Perspirant

*What if I've lost my mansmell?*
Try Old Spice Body Spray





I gotta get some....

Reactions: Funny 2 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13

I just called up my local walgreens. they have a 6 pack of the bar soap. I had em put it on hold for me. im gettin later today...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> I just called up my local walgreens. they have a 6 pack of the bar soap. I had em put it on hold for me. im gettin later today...



I've heard rumors.... Don't think that 6 pack is gonna be enough......

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Kevin

Marc, when we picked my son up in east Texas and drove him to Abilene for his new job we stopped and loaded him up on stuff he needs. That Old Spice Timber is one we smelled just out of curiosity. That stuff is wretched man.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Oh man..
I thought it would smell decent...but....I'll check it out...i have to...


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## ripjack13

Schroedc said:


> I've heard rumors.... Don't think that 6 pack is gonna be enough......


I was just able to take a shower myself last week...did i miss a spot?


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## ripjack13

Report coming in a few minutes ....

Reactions: Like 1


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 85812
> 
> Report coming in a few minutes ....



You won't like it I bet.


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## SENC

Kevin said:


> You won't like it I bet.


Gotta be better than the before odor!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Kevin

SENC said:


> Gotta be better than the before odor!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## ripjack13

Not impressed. Very blah. Not much of a fragrance or smell after I'm dry. It reminds me of a cheap generic soap. I actually liked the smell of the deodorant...

I wouldn't buy it again...it's going in the cellar next to the slop sink....hand soap.


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## ripjack13

Oink...


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## Kevin

I never smelled the soap but the deoderant DID have a strong smell and it was not good.

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13

Out of the box it had a lemony smell.....but on the label it said "with mint"..


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## Kevin

The deodorant smelled like how @SENC describes what a moose butt smells like up close and personal.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Final Strut



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1


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## wombat



Reactions: Funny 5


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## David Van Asperen

No matter how far or hard you push the envelope it is still stationary..
Dave

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Tony

wombat said:


> View attachment 86073



I don't guess I know about this, what's the deal? Tony


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## Kevin

wombat said:


> View attachment 86073

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Creative 1 | Useful 1


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## Mike1950

You do not want to tic off a goat.

https://www.facebook.com/omynorayny/videos/vb.100006479180326/1887453668147254/?type=2&theater

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Mills

Mike1950 said:


> You do not want to tic off a goat.



That boy needs a new sharpening system.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> You do not want to tic off a goat.
> 
> https://www.facebook.com/omynorayny/videos/vb.100006479180326/1887453668147254/?type=2&theater



I don't want to know what you were searching to get to that video.

And I will just go ahead and reply to your explanation right now: _"Oh sure, Mike. Sure."

_

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

@woodtickgreg

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Final Strut



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Kevin

The expressions the black dude gives are freaking hilarious

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 7


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## TimR

I've shared this over the years with others , and I still laugh when I hear it.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Kevin

Love it. I never get tired of seeing that Tim. I think I;ve even posted it here myself


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## TimR

Pesky squirrels...

Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415

Squirrel launcher 
Who in the world sets around and thinks this stuff up ? Wonder what the neighbors think ? Funny stuff righ here .. Thanks for posting


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## Kevin

No dogs were injured in the filming of this video. lol.


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## David Van Asperen

the guy who was in charge of proof reading Hitler's speeches was the literal " grammer Nazi"

Reactions: Like 1


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## Brink



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike1950

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Kevin




----------



## DKMD



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Omg....was it where it was or was it not?

Reactions: Funny 2 | Informative 1 | Useful 1


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> Omg....was it where it was or was it not?



Do I want to be where it was or where it wasn't? I'm not sure where the safe spot is........

Reactions: Agree 1


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## ripjack13

The safe spot is where it was but not where it isnt but its now where its not when it was where it was.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> The safe spot is where it was but not where it isnt but its now where its not when it was where it was.



This must be the new Kafka missile....


----------



## robert flynt

who's on first?

Reactions: Like 1


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## David Van Asperen

Yes he is

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tony

Mike1950 said:


> A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
> She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
> He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
> Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
> “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
> “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
> “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
> Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
> “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".



Heard that one a long time ago and loved it, one of my all time favorites! Thanks for posting Mike! Tony

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## ripjack13

David Van Asperen said:


> Yes he is


Naturally .....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Johnturner

My wife is wondering why I am laughing my a** off if I'm still on Woodbarter!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

DKMD said:


>



I showed this to my 3year old grandson today. My wife had to walk in the room and see what we were laughing so much about.....
She failed to see the humour.....
We watched it over and over.....

Reactions: Like 2


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## Kevin

What I wanna know is, when you pay off the guy that play's first base every month, (W)who signs the receipt for the check?

Yes. Sometimes his wife comes down and signs it.

Who's wife?

Yes, sure.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

After all, the man earns it.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Kevin

What the heck let's watch it in full.

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 3


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## ripjack13

Do you know I've been waiting forever for someone to post that....
The best of all time....


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> Do you know I've been waiting forever for someone to post that....
> The best of all time....



I've posted it several times since the inception of the forum - one of my favorites too. here's another great one I like just as much . . . . 

Termination Pay

Couldn't find it on YT to embed

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Schroedc

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I wan t to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 4


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## David Van Asperen

Abbott and Costello are the best. I an unable to be unhappy when I listen to these two.
Dave

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Mike1950

Interesting what you can do with numbers...




(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.


(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 

120,000.


(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171


Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services.

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)


(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.


(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188


Statistics courtesy of FBI


Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Therefore, Guns don't kill people, doctors do.


FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT Almost everyone has at least one doctor. This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner! Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!


Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Johnturner

I'm thinking of becoming a mirror inspector. That's something I could really see myself doing.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike1950

A guy here in Texas shoots a whooping cane, an endangered species. Gets caught by the game warden, marched in front of the judge."How do you plead?" judge says. "Your honor, I didn't know---I swear I thought it was a snow goose. Honest, your honor---it was an accident." "OK" says the judge, "I'll let you go with a warning and a $500 fine. Don't do it again--I don't want to see you in my courtroom again." "OK your honor, I swear". "By the way, what did you do with it?" "I cooked it and ate it your honor". "Oh, how did it taste?" "Somewhere between bald eagle and California condor."

Reactions: Funny 2


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## kweinert

Here's what I see:

(Edited: Well, for some reason it didn't display. But I got a 

Content Blocked because it's in the category: Tasteless

)

We live in a nanny state.


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Kevin

kweinert said:


> Here's what I see:
> 
> (Edited: Well, for some reason it didn't display. But I got a
> 
> Content Blocked because it's in the category: Tasteless
> 
> )
> 
> We live in a nanny state.



Not sure what you're referring to.


----------



## kweinert

Kevin said:


> Not sure what you're referring to.



It was the posing with the Live Leaks video.


----------



## Kevin

kweinert said:


> It was the posing with the Live Leaks video.



Yeah they don't allow embedding from what I understand. Shooting themselves in the foot.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3 | +Karma 1 | Informative 1


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## Kevin



Reactions: Agree 2


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## Tony



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

Tony said:


> View attachment 87569



Since I have finally joined FB I see that much of what gets posted here comes from there lol. Kinda cool.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 87589



Seems like the day I'm having today.....


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## ripjack13

Uh oh....


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## Wildthings

Ouch!


----------



## Schroedc



Reactions: Funny 1


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## manbuckwal

Schroedc said:


> COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
> 
> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
> COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
> ABBOTT: Mac?
> COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
> ABBOTT: Your computer?
> COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I wan t to buy one.
> ABBOTT: Mac?
> COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
> ABBOTT: What about Windows?
> COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
> ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
> COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
> ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
> COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
> ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
> COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
> ABBOTT: Office.
> COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
> ABBOTT: I just did.
> COSTELLO: You just did what?
> ABBOTT: Recommend something.
> COSTELLO: You recommended something?
> ABBOTT: Yes.
> COSTELLO: For my office?
> ABBOTT: Yes.
> COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
> ABBOTT: Office.
> COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
> ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
> COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
> ABBOTT: Word.
> COSTELLO: What word?
> ABBOTT: Word in Office.
> COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
> ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
> COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
> ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
> COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything can track my money with?
> ABBOTT: Money.
> COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
> ABBOTT: Money.
> COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
> ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
> COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
> ABBOTT: Money.
> COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
> ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
> COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
> ABBOTT: One copy.
> COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
> ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
> COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
> ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
> (A few days later)
> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
> COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
> ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............




Great Job Colin !!!!


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## Mike Mills

Kevin said:


> Since I have finally joined FB I see that much of what gets posted here comes from there lol. Kinda cool.


I misread to start with... I thought it said...
Since I have finally joined FBI see that much of what gets posted here comes from there lol.
Space is important too.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Mills

I think I've finally found that niche that allows me to expess my artistic talent...
I can probably even afford to sell the items for 10% less than this guy.

Reactions: Funny 7 | Informative 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Mills

Where are the grammer police when you need them?

Dear Mr. Connecticut,
*Yall* is NOT a "southern" word.  No wonder Apple changes it.

*Y'all* is a southern word, sometimes *ya'll* is a southern word; both serve as a second-person pronoun.

Do you have a cousin named Vinnie?

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

In my defense, I just found it...I didn't make it. But I did notice the mistake...
And I have a droid....

Did you not find it funny?


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## Mike Mills

ripjack13 said:


> In my defense, I just found it...I didn't make it. But I did notice the mistake...
> And I have a droid....
> 
> Did you not find it funny?



Yep, did find it funny.... went back and gave it a :) 
Maybe that is just how the Apple crowd spells it.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Mills

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
--------------------------

She's single... She's shapely ...She lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised
when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and
I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and make love. Are you doing anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"

Being a senior citizen really sucks!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 87735



That wasn't written by a Southern man or it would properly read "Thank Y'all" since there's obviously more than one person at the helm of Apple.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 4


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## Mike Mills

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Every day I go to the street and tell a passerby what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do after.

I give them pictures of my wife, my grandson, my dog, and me turning in the shop.
I also listen to their conversations and tell them I like them.

And it works: I already have 3 people following me:

Two psychiatrist and the FBI.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Mills

A good wife provides balance and stability to your life.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13

A couple had been married for 30 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy waved her wand and POOF!
He was 90.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## thrainson



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Michele hates spiders. I keep one handy at all times for such an occasion as this....heh heh heh.

*FOUL LANGUAGE WARNING!!!!!





*


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## Mike Mills

Just more blonde jokes...

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you took away my license and today you expect me to show it to you!'


A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'


A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night...
It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was,
'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked,
'Is it on or off?'

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## manbuckwal

@Tclem

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## Tclem

manbuckwal said:


> @Tclem
> 
> 
> View attachment 88328


I've got some of toms Beb so I guess you could say......

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8 | Informative 1


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## David Van Asperen

It is always good to have a choice
Dave

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Brink



Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13

RiP Yogi....

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Johnturner

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One is a heavyweight and the other is a little lighter.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 3


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## David Van Asperen

Yogi one of a kind the right kind


----------



## manbuckwal



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## TimR

Danged earwigs....

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 2 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 5 | Funny 2


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## Wildthings

Crap now I've got that song in my head --
There's something happening here
What it is ain't exactly clear

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

And I'm wondering what it is I should do,
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face,
Losing control, yeah, I'm all over the place....

Reactions: Like 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 2


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## Kevin

Here's Mike during his apprenticeship circa 1902 . . .

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mr. Peet

A mill stone treadle lathe, Wow, I used a Speedwell treadle lathe, but that thing awesomely old...


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## SENC

Kevin said:


> View attachment 88905
> 
> 
> Here's Mike during his apprenticeship circa 1902 . . .
> 
> View attachment 88904


Durnit, this is a joke thread. PSAs and adverts belong elsewhere.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13

Kevin said:


> View attachment 88905
> 
> 
> Here's Mike during his apprenticeship circa 1902 . . .
> 
> View attachment 88904



Bonus points for someone who can come up something witty for the initials on the lathe referring to @Mike1950


----------



## Fsyxxx



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> View attachment 88905
> 
> 
> Here's Mike during his apprenticeship circa 1902 . . .
> 
> View attachment 88904





SENC said:


> Durnit, this is a joke thread. PSAs and adverts belong elsewhere.





ripjack13 said:


> Bonus points for someone who can come up something witty for the initials on the lathe referring to @Mike1950



 What The Hell!!!!  Always pickin on the

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike Mills

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
_Two Prostitutes - $50.00_
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "_Jesus Saves_."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains to their religion."
The following day the police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.
He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:
_Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00_

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## Mike Mills

The morning walk today....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Kevin

Biting Free Zone = poor wolves how will they survive if their hunting grounds are zoned as biting free?

The same folks who gave us Gun Free zone have also solved the problem of shark attacks along beaches now. They're posting these signs everywhere . . . 



 

I hear the sharks have hired Alan Dershowitz and Morris Dees to represent them. Sharks representing sharks.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 8


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


>



I don't know how I made it through that torment. If I hab been there I would have pepper sprayed that ultra annoying wench so me and the bear could enjoy some peace and quiet. That has to be the most annoying woman on the entire planet. 

My wife said she's pissed at you Marc because she has that horrible voice stuck in her head now.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4


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## Fsyxxx

ripjack13 said:


>


Wow. What a bad bear. She said please. I love that bear.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 5


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## ripjack13

It's fine...my wife's pissed at me too. Turn that down! Who is that!? Omg she sounds awful!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


>



Hey Lady, You want to know why the bear is breaking your kayak ???? YOU FREAKING PEPPER SPRAYED HIM IN THE FACE!!!!! Lucky he just wrecked your boat and didn't rip your head off......

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## ripjack13

I wonder if kids in China ever look at their toy in the Happy Meal and say "Hey, I made this."

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> I don't know how I made it through that torment. If I hab been there I would have pepper sprayed that ultra annoying wench so me and the bear could enjoy some peace and quiet. That has to be the most annoying woman on the entire planet.
> 
> My wife said she's pissed at you Marc because she has that horrible voice stuck in her head now.



Holy crap! I watched it with my tablet muted, didn't figure I needed to hear anything. After I read Kevin's post, went back, turned the volume up, made it 20 seconds. Somebody shut her up!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13

I think i found the internets most annoying voice.....

What do I win?


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> I think i found the internets most annoying voice.....
> 
> What do I win?



A loop recording of her which you must listen to through headphones for the rest of your life.

Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 1


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## NYWoodturner

I kept wishing for the bear to just turn and lunge. Teeth gnashing and claws slashing.  Just sayin...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Jim Beam

Wow. Very red in here......


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## Sprung

Tony said:


> made it 20 seconds



A lot longer than I made it! I lasted maybe 2 seconds!


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2 | Creative 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 6


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## Brink

80 year old guy decides he wants a corvette.
After he buys one, he's driving around and decides to hit the highway and see what it'll do.
He's hitting 80, 90, 100 mph when he passes a trooper. Trooper chases him for 20 sum miles.
Finally the driver decides he's too old for this stuff and pulls over.
The trooper walks up to the window, sees the old fella and tells him his shift is over in 15 minutes, he's 20 miles from his station. If he arrests him it will cost taxpayers a bunch of overtime, and he just wants to finish his shift and get home to his family.
He tells the old guy, to give him an excuse he never heard before, and he'll let him off with a warning.

So,
The driver tells him that 35 years ago, his wife ran off with a trooper, just like him...
...and he was afraid he was trying to return her.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3 | Useful 1


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## Tony



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 2 | Funny 2


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 11


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## Brink

For Halloween

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## SENC

Brink said:


> For Halloween
> 
> View attachment 89399


@Kevin is coming over, I bet, and you're playing Irish candy apple roulette. You are an evil monkey.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike Jones

Kevin said:


> A loop recording of her which you must listen to through headphones for the rest of your life.



 Y'all are being pretty rough on this 10 year old kid! I read someplace  that his big sister (13 yrs) went down there and lit that bear's behind on fire with a can of hairspray and a bic lighter

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Brink

HD is as confused as @Kevin on the whole monkey vs ape thing.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 5 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950

Senior Sex -- This one is funny!!!.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 8


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


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## manbuckwal

@gman2431 @woodintyuuu

Reactions: Funny 6


----------



## Final Strut



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## SENC

Not a joke, but funny nonetheless. And accurate.

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13

You could always pronounce saw like my wife does....
Soar...
She's from Rhode Island. I give her crap about it all the time. 
Honey...can you come here and help me soar this wood...lol

Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## ripjack13



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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Mike Mills



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## Mike Mills



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## manbuckwal



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 8


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## Mike Mills



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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> You could always pronounce saw like my wife does....
> Soar...
> She's from Rhode Island. I give her crap about it all the time.
> Honey...can you come here and help me soar this wood...lol



"Soar" is how my head feels after I make fun of my wife like that.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## Mike Mills

Something is wrong with you if you have never thought this.......................

Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

I think of doin it...every single time ....


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## Mike1950



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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1


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## TimR

I saw this and just thought of you Henry @SENC

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Kevin

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot." – Jay Leno

“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'” – Conan O’Brien

'I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls... But on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said "Fuk it, cut em up!"' - Mitch Hedberg

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” – George Carlin

‘It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

“There’s a reason it’s called ‘girls gone wild’ and not ‘women gone wild’. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.” – Louis CK

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright

“They lie about marijuana: ‘Marijuana makes you unmotivated.’ Lie. When you’re high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it’s not worth the effort. There’s a difference.” – Bill Hicks

“A black C student can’t do shite with his life. A black C student can’t be a manager at Burger King, meanwhile a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.” – Chris Rock

“I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves.” – Jack Handey

"I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down." - Mitch Hedberg

"I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to. "Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? Liar!" My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shite." - Mitch Hedberg

"I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait." - Mitch Hedberg

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## TimR

These are some great lines, but especially for CK, Wright, and Hedberg...it's even better with their delivery.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

Tony said:


> View attachment 90159



In the dictionary it's said that the bra was invented to support women's breasts, but it is a devious and needless artifice of lingerie because I and hundreds of millions of other men just like me wholeheartedly support breasts in every way we can. In fact, hardly 5 minutes can pass when I am not thinking of ways to get my hands on a pair to show my undying support.

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5 | +Karma 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Fsyxxx

Wife showed me this. I don't drink but I might still show up to a party with a sixes just to watch.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Kevin

LMAO!!!! Any former trippers here beside me knows how that feels without the beer and helium. Gawd I miss ..... never mind.

Reactions: Great Post 1


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## TimR

So many of just take firewood for granted...but not all...


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## Johnturner

Where can I get some of that Beer. LMAO!!


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## thrainson

Beer thing is faked... But funny.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## manbuckwal

I can see this happening w @Tclem and @SENC when they get together at their family reunion

Reactions: Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

A man and wife had been arguing all day on a road trip. At some point they passes a field of jackasses. The wife asked her husband _"Relatives of yours?" _The husband immediately shot back _"Yes. In laws." _

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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 11


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## ripjack13



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## ClintW

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 90453


Another answer, a bit twisted maybe, would be:
I guess we need to eat both to be fair....

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## kweinert

I think that's the best answer for any endangered species. Put it on the menu, fix it so people love it - you'll have more of the critters running around after that than you'll know what to do with.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## NYWoodturner



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike1950

Why we shoot deer in the wild:
(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Kevin



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## SENC

Got this in the mail today from Jayess, MS. It seems Tony wants to help out with the grammar police duties.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3 | +Karma 1


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## Kevin

That's good list to use as a rule of thumb I always use it because it's like a zillion times more easier to remember than trying to remember a list of rules to go bye it's like the cats me owe dude. 

That's good list to use as a rule of thumb I always use it because it's like a zillion times more easier to remember than trying to remember a list of rules to go bye it's like the cats me owe dude.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## NYWoodturner

You should have it casted to hang in your shop

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 5


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## LSCG

Neil and Bruce's new hit.


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## Mike1950

Weight Loss Program:
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week..

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Mills

Funny but true......

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 9 | Funny 2


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## Schroedc

Mike Mills said:


> Funny but true......
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 90895



Ptwaaaannngggg, Patwang, Patwaaaaaaaaannnnggggg.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1


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## Kevin

Mike Mills said:


> Funny but true......
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 90895




I had trees. Even as a kid I was into them . . . I would put on my Tonto injun outfit, climb a tree near my house over a sidewalk and climb as far in the top as I could and make animal noises as someone approached my tree. Then as they walked past never really being able to zero in on which exact tree the noises came from, I wait until they got about 50 feet past and do it again. you'd be surprised at how many adults would come back to try and find the source of the noise. You'd also be surprised at how many never spotted me. 

Beats the heck out of Patwaaaannnnngggg even though if it was rainging or I was grounded I'd do something like that too lol.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Kevin said:


> I had trees. Even as a kid I was into them . . . I would put on my Tonto injun outfit, climb a tree near my house over a sidewalk and climb as far in the top as I could and make animal noises as someone approached my tree. Then as they walked past never really being able to zero in on which exact tree the noises came from, I wait until they got about 50 feet past and do it again. you'd be surprised at how many adults would come back to try and find the source of the noise. You'd also be surprised at how many never spotted me.
> 
> Beats the heck out of Patwaaaannnnngggg even though if it was rainging or I was grounded I'd do something like that too lol.





Kevin said:


> Don't blame me I'm just here to agitate - it's my job.



I see you started early in your quest as a pest....

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Mills

No clue how to pronounce Ptwaaaannngggg, Patwang, Patwaaaaaaaaannnnggggg or what it means.




Kevin said:


> I would put on my Tonto injun outfit



Sorry Tonto, my Zorro outfit trumps you. Tonto is no longer PC; went with the Redskins don't ya know?

Reactions: Like 1 | EyeCandy! 1


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## ripjack13

*A Conversation in the after-life:*
*
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from* *the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,* *and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating on me,* *so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself* *in the den watching TV.*
*SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running* *all over the house looking. I ran up into* *the attic and searched, and down into the* *basement. Then I went through every closet* *and checked under all the beds. I kept this up* *until I had looked everywhere, and finally* *I became so exhausted that I just keeled over* *with a heart attack and died.*

*SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.*

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13

What is Irish and doesn't mind staying out all night?

Patio furniture


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## ripjack13

A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area, so he went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look

The midget dropped his pants, the doctor lifted him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to turn his head and cough again. 

"Aha," said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, and then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered that his testicles were no longer aching. 
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, “Perfect Doc, and I didn’t feel a thing. What did you do?" 
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of each of your cowboy boots."

Reactions: Funny 11


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## ripjack13

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None, they have machines for that now.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kenbo

What's black and blue and lies in a ditch?









An American telling drummer jokes.

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 8


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## Fsyxxx

How do you get a drummer off your porch?









Pay him for the pizza!

What do you call a lead singer whose girlfriend breaks up with him?

Homeless. 

What does a stripper do with her a$$hole before she does to work?

Drop him at band practice. 

I know a million of these

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## duncsuss

Schroedc said:


> Ptwaaaannngggg, Patwang, Patwaaaaaaaaannnnggggg.


So that's how you spell it!

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## Kevin

There arn't many drummer jokes I havent heard and most are pretty accurate lol.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## duncsuss

Talk about drummer jokes reminded me of this one I heard from a guitarist friend ...

Deep in the African jungle, a safari was camped for the night. In the darkness, distant drums began a relentless throbbing that continued until dawn. The safari members were disturbed, but the guide reassured them: "Drums good. When drums stop, very bad."

Every night the drumming continued, and every night the guide reiterated, "Drums good. When drums stop, VERY bad."

This continues for several days until one morning the drumming suddenly stops and all the natives panic and run screaming.

The man asks the guide what's the matter? The guide looking very frightened says: "When drums stop, VERY, VERY bad," he said.

"Why is it bad?" asked a member of the safari. "Because when drums stop, bass solo begin."

Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13

Awesome!! I'm stealin that one!


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## SENC

ripjack13 said:


> What is Irish and doesn't mind staying out all night?
> 
> Patio furniture


Again, we need a boo, hiss emoji.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Mandolin

A 95 year old man went to the doctor for his yearly check up. The doctor checked him over then handed him a small glass jar with a screw on lid. "I want you to take this jar home, get me a sperm sample and bring it back tomorrow." The old man grumbled something, took the jar and left. The next day, he brought the jar back and handed it to the doctor. The doctor looked at the jar and there was nothing in it. "What happened? You were supposed to bring me a sperm sample. The old man replied, "Doc, I tried everything. I used my right hand then my left hand. My wife tried it with her left hand, her right hand, her teeth in, her teeth out. We even called neighbor lady over. She tried her left hand then her right hand, with her teeth in and her teeth out, under her arm, between her knees and we never did get the lid off that jar!

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Kevin

SENC said:


> Again, we need a boo, hiss emoji.



I never laugh at ones I have already told here anyway. Even though I have unknowingly retold my own.  

Skeleton walks into a bar . . . . .


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## Kevin

Mandolin said:


> A 95 year old man went to the doctor for his yearly check up. The doctor checked him over then handed him a small glass jar with a screw on lid. "I want you to take this jar home, get me a sperm sample and bring it back tomorrow." The old man grumbled something, took the jar and left. The next day, he brought the jar back and handed it to the doctor. The doctor looked at the jar and there was nothing in it. "What happened? You were supposed to bring me a sperm sample. The old man replied, "Doc, I tried everything. I used my right hand then my left hand. My wife tried it with her left hand, her right hand, her teeth in, her teeth out. We even called neighbor lady over. She tried her left hand then her right hand, with her teeth in and her teeth out, under her arm, between her knees and we never did get the lid off that jar!


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## Schroedc

A gang hijacked a truckload of Viagra. 

The police are on the lookout for a bunch of hardened criminals.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Kenbo

Schroedc said:


> A gang hijacked a truckload of Viagra.
> 
> The police are on the lookout for a bunch of hardened criminals.




The same gang broke into the police station and stole all of the toilets and urinals................................


At this point in time, the police have nothing to go on.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## SENC

BOO HISS x2

Someone needs to break some rules or create a little havoc, the mods are getting a bit stir-crazy, it seems.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Schroedc

This is my Step Ladder, I never knew my real ladder...

I have a fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it

I wouldn't go stand by that tree
Why?
It looks kinda shady...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kevin

SENC said:


> BOO HISS x2
> 
> Someone needs to break some rules or create a little havoc, the mods are getting a bit stir-crazy, it seems.




Three people having sex is called a threesome. 
Two people having sex is called a twosome.
Henry, why do people call you handsome?

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## Mike1950

*Subject:* *How to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in RETIREMENT *

Subject: THERAPY 


How to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in RETIREMENT 



1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair 
dryer at passing cars, and watch them slow down! 


2. On all your cheque stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'! 


3. Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.

4. With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat. 


5. Sing along at The Opera. 


6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!' 


7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run 
For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have 
to let one of you go....

9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where 
the fitting room is.


And The Final Way to Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: My Favourite: 

10. *G*o to a large Department stores fitting room, drop your drawers to your 
ankles and yell out, Theres no paper in here! 

Now send this e-mail to someone to make them SMILE. 

It's called 'therapy'!

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


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## SENC

So how many of those have you done, @Mike1950 ?

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike1950

SENC said:


> So how many of those have you done, @Mike1950 ?



I only read it today but I thought the last one would be a good way to get more room to negotiate deals at Macy's??

Reactions: Like 1


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## Kevin

SENC said:


> So how many of those have you done, @Mike1950 ?



@Mike1950 don't fall for his constant baiting. He is the master of baiting which makes him bodda boom bodda bing! . . . . 

Maybe I need to change his avatar for him since he is too busy to do it himself . . . . .

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13

I've done 2-3-4-6 & 9 before. #4 I do all the time....


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> I've done 2-3-4-6 & 9 before. #4 I do all the time....



I regularly #1 and #2 but I'm thinking if you're doing a #4 you should probably see a doctor....

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13




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## Mike1950

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Schroedc

In the interests of making sure we don't single out any one group...

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Kevin

It's not PC to tell Polack jokes anymore because apparently Polacks have feelings too. No can tell black jokes at all, and even some Irishmen get offended by jokes based on their ethnicity nowadays - not me though I love a good Texan or Irish joke better than anyone. However, there is one group left that it is still open season as the butt of jokes and even they don't get offended because they're too dumb to realize they are being made fun of, and that is dumb rednecks. So without further ado . . .

My dumb redneck buddy told me last week he needed me to figure out how to help him sell his old farm truck. I acknowledged I remembered the truck and asked what he was asking for it. He said $1500. I said that seemed a little high and told him he ought to ask $1750 and let someone take him down to $1200, that $1200 was a nice payday for that truck.

He said another one of his friends told him those old trucks are easy to roll back the odometer and that he was thinking of doing that. The truck has 277,000 miles on it and the gas engine had never been rebuilt and was using oil. I lowered my suggested sales price to $750. He didn't say anything he just did this before walking off . . .



I just saw him yesterday and he was happy as could be. I assumed he had sold his truck and asked how much he'd gotten for it. Here was his reply:

_Sell it? Hell fire Kev what'n tarnation woulda be a sellin a truck fur with only 25,000 miles on it!
_
I didn't say anything I just did this:

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Kevin

Colin I was typing my joke and did not see yours until after I posted mine I swear. What are the odds lmao.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Schroedc

Kevin said:


> Colin I was typing my joke and did not see yours until after I posted mine I swear. What are the odds lmao.



Well, this is Woodbarter so the odds are always a little screwy. Don't even get me started on the evens.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike1950

Those are both great??


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## Kevin



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## wombat

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 91648



What does a roll of toilet paper and the starship Enterprise have in common?


They both circle Uranus and wipe out Klingons!!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

Boo. Hiss.


----------



## SENC



Reactions: Funny 5 | Informative 1


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## Tony

SENC said:


> View attachment 91723



Wow, I have no words......... Tony


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## Kevin

First time I saw that I thought it was photo-shopped but I checked and it wasn't. Still funny.


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## SENC

Tony said:


> Wow, I have no words......... Tony


Shhhh. Silence is best in those moments.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## NYWoodturner



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 5


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## wombat



Reactions: Like 2


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## Kenbo



Reactions: Funny 9


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## SENC

I don't care who you are, that's funny, right there!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## ripjack13

Kenbo said:


> View attachment 91801



I think a gallon of tranny fluid would be more appropriate....

Lol

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike1950

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets
a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts
grinning from ear to ear. Once he disconnects he shouts to the
barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
around keen to know what they are celebrating.
"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland
Baby boy weighing 25 pounds".
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland .
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy
pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The barman
says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about
how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much
does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers: "17 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
says, "Had him circumcised!"

Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 91896



That's funny! 

But I do that a lot from my shop door when I feel military choppers approaching (I always feel them before I hear them freaks my wife out). I don't hold it quite like that though lol. Her finger is not on the trigger she's just spotting something. She sure is dressed funny for shooting though isn't she and it's a funny caption!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Schroedc

Kevin said:


> That's funny!
> 
> But I do that a lot from my shop door when I feel military choppers approaching (I always feel them before I hear them freaks my wife out). I don't hold it quite like that though lol. Her finger is not on the trigger she's just spotting something. She sure is dressed funny for shooting though isn't she and it's a funny caption!



That's that new urban camouflage.

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1


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## SENC

Aaaargh! Gonna be needing a patch for sure!


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## ripjack13

One night, my wife and I were laying in bed. It had been a long hard week, and I was worn slick dab out.

My wife, bless her heart, just keep on going on about the whole day. What was on sale at the grocery store, who she talked to while picking up the kids from school, etc.

So, after she paused for a moment to see if I was going to acknowledge everything she had said before running out of oxygen, I tenderly rolled over close to her and wrapped my arm around her and whisper in the most sincere voice I could muster and asked:

"Honey."

She replied "Yes"

and I tenderly asked: "Do your jaws ever hurt?"

A few minutes, later, I slept the best I had slept in a long time.


From the couch in the den.

Reactions: Funny 5 | +Karma 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13

Michele laughs every time I see a tree with burl on it, so I told her, "Burls are like tree boobies, I have to look."

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## ClintW

ripjack13 said:


> Michele laughs every time I see a tree with burl on it, so I told her, "Burls are like tree boobies, I have to look."



Ha-ha I almost spit coffee on my computer when I read that! That is the best way I have ever heard it put!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

I think it would be awesome if real boobs grew on trees, but I wouldn't want burls hanging from a woman's chest.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Schroedc

Kevin said:


> I think it would be awesome if real boobs grew on trees, but I wouldn't want burls hanging from a woman's chest.



But if they just grew on trees it wouldn't be anywhere as special when you did see a pair....


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## Kevin

Schroedc said:


> But if they just grew on trees it wouldn't be anywhere as special when you did see a pair....



Speak for yourself.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## lonewolf

With that comparison in mind has anyone figured out how to create artificial burls? And should we start using cup size as our standardsfor measuring burls?

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 1 | Creative 1


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## manbuckwal



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## thrainson



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Tony

Schroedc said:


> But if they just grew on trees it wouldn't be anywhere as special when you did see a pair....



I beg to disagree Colin, as least for me. Tony


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 3


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## robert flynt

Kevin said:


> I think it would be awesome if real boobs grew on trees, but I wouldn't want burls hanging from a woman's chest.


What, you don't like firm and highly figured.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike1950

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

Reactions: Great Post 5 | Funny 5


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## pinky

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
> AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
> 
> THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
> 
> A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
> 
> THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
> 
> THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
> THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
> 
> THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
> 
> THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"
> 
> THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.
> 
> THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
> 
> 1 - Never be arrogant.
> 2 - Don't waste ammunition.
> 3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
> 4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
> 5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.




So 'old' is 'power'?



Hey Mike 'ol buddy 'ol pal. How's everything going? Anything I can do for you around here you just let me know!

Reactions: Funny 5 | Informative 1


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## robert flynt

Kevin said:


> So 'old' is 'power'?
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Mike 'ol buddy 'ol pal. How's everything going? Anything I can do for you around here you just let me know!


Remember the old saying about " old age and treachery "!!!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

lonewolf said:


> With that comparison in mind has anyone figured out how to create artificial burls? And should we start using cup size as our standardsfor measuring burls?



Ask and ye shall receive...

*Synthetic Burl Pen Blank*
https://www.pennstateind.com/store/WXEESB3.html

Reactions: Creative 1


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## Schroedc

A family emmigrates to Ireland form the middle east and their son is enrolled at the local school and on the first day of class

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.

" Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat the bat guana out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the bat guana out of him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.

"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.


"Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two Arabs."

Reactions: Funny 12 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

Love it!


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 13


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## David Van Asperen

WARNING. 
There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can
If you get this email, do not open it. It is spam.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Kevin

The Chinese refused to install phones in their country for many years. They have so many people named Wing and Wong they were afraid everyone would wing the wong number . . .

Reactions: Funny 6


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## SENC

Kevin said:


> The Chinese refused to install phones in their country for many years. They have so many people named Wing and Wong they were afraid everyone would wing the wong number . . .


If no-one will add one, I'll bring my own.

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Tony

For people who don't known no better...

Reactions: Agree 5 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2 | Useful 1


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## Wildthings

@Tony you are Da Man with this one!!

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13

Tony said:


> For people who don't known no better...
> 
> View attachment 92542



Hmmm....us yankees up here call em pee cans. Must be a southern thing to pronounce things weird.


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## SENC

ripjack13 said:


> Hmmm....us yankees up here call em pee cans. Must be a southern thing to pronounce things weird.


Well, actually, we call them porta-potties or rent-a-johns in the South.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Great Post 1


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> Hmmm....us yankees up here call em pee cans. Must be a southern thing to pronounce things weird.



Bless your heart, y'all Yankees can't help not knowing how to talk right

Reactions: Like 3


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## ripjack13

Tony said:


> Bless your heart,



I see what you did there....

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Schroedc

Using standard English pronunciation rules, since there is no E following the consonant following a vowel a short E would be the appropriate sound and it should be pronounced Puh cahn. Ya'll calling it a Pee-can just makes kids giggle when they hear the word pee.

Reactions: Funny 1 | Informative 1


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## Kevin

Pecans are native to the south. We know how to pronounce our own stuff. Y'all say pail we say bucket. Notice that no one ever says _"I'm gonna put that on my pail list."_ That's because pail is a silly word. 

Y'all yanks should put learning how to pronounce words properly . . . on your bucket list.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


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## Jim Beam

SENC said:


> Well, actually, we call them porta-potties or rent-a-johns in the South.


Honey Buckets out west

Reactions: Like 1


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## Kevin

The most popular term in my county is skid-o-can. But we are about as backward as what you might expect to see in the movie Deliverance. Not necessarily with the same perverted proclivities though.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## robert flynt

ripjack13 said:


> Hmmm....us yankees up here call em pee cans. Must be a southern thing to pronounce things weird.[
> That's because they don't grow up there.
> 
> 
> Tony said:
> 
> 
> 
> Bless your heart, y'all Yankees can't help not knowing how to talk right
> 
> 
> 
> 
> When a southerner say bless your heart, it mean they have a low opinion of you brain power.
Click to expand...

Reactions: Like 1


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## robert flynt

ripjack13 said:


> I see what you did there....


So you know what a southerner means when he says, bless your heart?

Reactions: Like 1


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## robert flynt

Some southerners call a hose a hose pipe, both are used to water your plant.


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## ripjack13

robert flynt said:


> So you know what a southerner means when he says, bless your heart?


Yes sir I do.....


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## ripjack13

Kevin said:


> That's because pail is a silly word.



Pale Rider....


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> Pale Rider....



Someone who has the runs (not named "preacher")?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## robert flynt

ripjack13 said:


> Yes sir I do.....


Well, we do say it in a nice way and in this case, all in fun!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Schroedc

To clear it up,

This is a pail-



 

This is a bucket-



 

I ain't putting no important lists in a pail....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Informative 1


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## ripjack13

Bucket seats.
Bucket loader.
Kick the bucket.
Drop the bucket.
Bucket list...

Ah bucket....you get the gist.


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> Bucket seats.
> Bucket loader.
> Kick the bucket.
> Drop the bucket.
> Bucket list...
> 
> Ah bucket....you get the gist.




"Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire." - William Butler Yeats
“The slogan of progress is changing from the full dinner pail to the full garage.”- Herbert Hoover
“You can only milk a cow so long, then you're left holding the pail.”- Hank Aaron
“Learn to do common things uncommonly well; we must always keep in mind that anything that helps fill the dinner pail is valuable.”- George Washington Carver

Reactions: Like 1 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13

Also....the word bucket is much older than pail....

Reactions: Like 1 | Informative 1


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## Sidecar

Kevin said:


> Pecans are native to the south. We know how to pronounce our own stuff. Y'all say pail we say bucket. Notice that no one ever says _"I'm gonna put that on my pail list."_ That's because pail is a silly word.
> 
> Y'all yanks should put learning how to pronounce words properly . . . on your bucket list.


Pails a color ain't it....?


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## Sidecar

Hmmmm now how come bucket was before pale........Ahhh it was the song, bet this was what Tclem was sing'n in the shop here recently....

Got a hole in your bucket..........Eliza Eliza.........


How many will that tune stick in their head today........?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## thrainson

bucket wins by 100 years...

Reactions: Great Post 1


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## Sidecar

Not to throw a twist in here but why did someone want to throw a firkin ( Fon-X may be required ) in the mix.....I know I know it's half of a kilderkin but why.....


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## Sidecar

Is a firkin a bucket or pail........CWS jump in here is one measured in liters and one in gallons......


----------



## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Kevin

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 92621



There's a Cajun witch in southern Louisiana named Alice that specializes in fixing chameleons and changelings. I heard that when the lizard asked @DKMD how to get over a reptile dysfunction Doc replied "See Alice".

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Final Strut



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Final Strut



Reactions: Funny 2


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## SENC

A TCLEM-inspired design, n'est-ce pas?

Reactions: Funny 8


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## ripjack13

$29.95!?!?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> $29.95!?!?



But isn't your child's safety worth any amount???

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5


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## Mike1950

Sorry I have been avoiding the political ones but I could not resist this one...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Kevin

I heard the story behind that pacifier - the inventor saw a baby pic of @Tclem and used it as his design model. That picture is actually Tony right after his 2 front teeth came in . . . . . .

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> I heard the story behind that pacifier - the inventor saw a baby pic of @Tclem and used it as his design model. That picture is actually Tony right after his 2 front teeth came in . . . . . .


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## robert flynt

Even though he makes he makes it easy, you shouldn't pick on poor Tony like that!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Tony

robert flynt said:


> Even though he makes he makes it easy, you shouldn't pick on poor Tony like that!



It's like shooting fish in a barrel!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Tclem

Hahahahaha

Reactions: Funny 1


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## kweinert

Tony said:


> It's like shooting fish in a barrel!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2 | Way Cool 1


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## SENC

It is silent in mTony, too.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

Not really a joke, but don't know where else to put this. Tony

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Fsyxxx

Tony said:


> Not really a joke, but don't know where else to put this. Tony
> 
> View attachment 93014


Damn I think I need that!


----------



## Fsyxxx

Is there a link? I looked, I'd wear that to all my country gigs!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

Fsyxxx said:


> Is there a link? I looked, I'd wear that to all my country gigs!



Here you go Greg

https://teespring.com/carefulwiththatflag-TX


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## Mike Mills

Now I understand the left logic.

Reactions: Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## Kevin

Mike Mills said:


> Now I understand the left logic.
> 
> View attachment 93042



There's an important truth to his motto though. It's called jury nullification and today's judges and attorneys and "lawmakers" e.g. the various legislatures don't want fully informed juries. If you watch an old movie you'll often hear the juries getting their instructions from judge, and from say up to the 50s or so part of the instructions contained the all-important phrase _"... remember ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you are to try not only the facts of this case, but the law itself ..."_ which meant that even if the facts showed that the accused was carrying a 6" hunting knife on the street when the law only allowed for a 5" knife, then the JURY was to decide whether they liked that law or not, and if they didn't they would come back with a not guilty verdict and reject the law. This is called jury nullification and we still have the right, the responsibility as jurors to use it.

Judges now tell juries something like _"The law states that only a 5" long blade is allowed to be carried. If the facts show that Tony was carrying a 6" knife then you must find him guilty"_. Well, if that's true, what do we need juries for? It is OUR right to have final say about the laws we allow to give order to our society. We have not only the right but the RESPONSIBILITY to nullify laws that the legislature passes if we decide they suck. WE STILL HAVE THIS POWER. USE IT!

Some people may call you a nut job for even repeating these facts, but it is one of the most unique things in American Jurisprudence and sets us apart from any other form of self government. The problem with it is we do not use it nearly enough because it is so hard to get jurors educated about the power they wield. Any time you sit on a jury, inform the jury of their responsibility, at the appropriate time. At the beginning of final deliberation is usually the best time. The judge is not god and he does not have the final word on how you conduct yourself in the jury roo - if he did, he would sit in the room and tell you what you can and you can't do. But our legal system does not allow jury tampering, even by the judge!

Off my soapbox.


FIJA

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 3


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## Kevin

Only a small number of members read the joke thread so i think I will copy this post to its own thread. I have mentioned the FIJA before (was one of the first members back in mid 90s) because if even one member gets called to a jury it could save someone from jail time for one of the numerous victim-less crimes that the gov likes to demonize us for . . . .

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3 | Creative 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 7


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Johnturner

SENC said:


> A TCLEM-inspired design, n'est-ce pas?
> [AITTACH=full]92708[/ATTACH]



I almost lost my lunch when I saw that picture.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike1950

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?

“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8


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## ripjack13

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 93198



Ok...I am a yankee....what is that a picture of? And what do you do with it?


----------



## duncsuss

ripjack13 said:


> Ok...I am a yankee....what is that a picture of? And what do you do with it?


Looks like honeysuckle blossoms to me -- but the only thing I know to do with it is enjoy the fragrance.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950

duncsuss said:


> Looks like honeysuckle blossoms to me -- but the only thing I know to do with it is enjoy the fragrance.



Ya bite off the bottom and suck the sweet out of it- even Us western yanks know that--sheesh..

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1


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## duncsuss

Mike1950 said:


> Ya bite off the bottom and suck the sweet out of it- even Us western yanks know that--sheesh..


How do you treat the bee sting?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike1950

duncsuss said:


> How do you treat the bee sting?



If I am in the city and it is handy I put cement on it- sucks as it dries and relieves the pain. if in the woods- i use mud preferably clay- does the same........ Granpa Stafford :1960:

Reactions: Like 2 | Thank You! 1


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## duncsuss

Mike1950 said:


> If I am in the city and it is handy I put cement on it- sucks as it dries and relieves the pain. if in the woods- i use mud preferably clay- does the same........ Granpa Stafford :1960:


Thanks, Mike -- I can't remember ever seeing honeysuckle without a swarm of bees sticking their probosces in every nook and cranny. I get close enough to smell them, while trying to keep a safe distance


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4 | Creative 1


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## Mike1950

duncsuss said:


> Thanks, Mike -- I can't remember ever seeing honeysuckle without a swarm of bees sticking their probosces in every nook and cranny. I get close enough to smell them, while trying to keep a safe distance



Yes but it is worth fighting the bees when you are 10.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Tony

Mike1950 said:


> If I am in the city and it is handy I put cement on it- sucks as it dries and relieves the pain. if in the woods- i use mud preferably clay- does the same........ Granpa Stafford :1960:



Down here we put chewing tobakky on it, reduces the swelling and pulls the stinger out. Tony


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## Schroedc

This was a sign locally, Not really sure what a Johnson String is or why they'd be giving them away at Christmastime....

Reactions: Funny 3


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## duncsuss

Schroedc said:


> This was a sign locally, Not really sure what a Johnson String is or why they'd be giving them away at Christmastime....



Around these parts, Johnson String is a prestigious musical instrument store ... my wife is a cellist, she's spent a good chunk of money there. I can't believe they're giving something away free, though

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13

http://www.thejohnsonstrings.com/

A family of musicians....

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
> 
> I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
> 
> I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
> 
> The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
> 
> And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
> 
> As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
> 
> Apparently, I’m still lost…



I was starting to tear up Marc! Tony

Reactions: Like 1 | Sincere 1


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> http://www.thejohnsonstrings.com/
> 
> A family of musicians....



I figured that was probably what they meant but the way they phrased it on the marquee struck me as kinda funny.


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 9


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## robert flynt

Mike1950 said:


> Yes but it is worth fighting the bees when you are 10.


When I was 6 or 7 a bunch of us kids were playing Tarzan swinging on vines and lucky me swung right in to a huge wasp nest. I was wearing shorts so guess some of them crawled to sting me!! Never had any problem, to speak of, with bees though, I do believe they can sense fear.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Mills

Way back to the honeysuckle, since it came around again. (I was out of town a few days).



Mike1950 said:


> Ya bite off the bottom and suck the sweet out of it- even Us western yanks know that--sheesh..



You pinch it between your thumb nail and finger to separate it then suck the nectar out.

Honey bees have never bothered me. On the other hand it also draws carpenter bees which are a pain.
On the other hand honeysuckle also draws hummingbirds.


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## Mike1950

Mike Mills said:


> Way back to the honeysuckle, since it came around again. (I was out of town a few days).
> 
> 
> 
> You pinch it between your thumb nail and finger to separate it then suck the nectar out.
> 
> Honey bees have never bothered me. On the other hand it also draws carpenter bees which are a pain.
> On the other hand honeysuckle also draws hummingbirds.



We have it growing on a trellis here. Hummingbirds like it but what really attracts the hummers to our yard is Cat mint. They fight over it. Have amazing aerial battles for ownership of plant.

Reactions: Way Cool 1


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## Final Strut



Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 3


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## thrainson

Final Strut said:


> View attachment 93415


That is an amazing picture! Do you have a unspoiled ( no text... Lol) copy of that?


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## Kevin

thrainson said:


> That is an amazing picture! Do you have a unspoiled ( no text... Lol) copy of that?



Joe, take your pick . . . .

Early Logging Redwoods

Sample pic. . .

Reactions: Way Cool 2


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## Kevin

The Fallen Monarch in 1899 with the U.S. 6th Cavalry, Troop F



 



Same tree today . . .

Reactions: Way Cool 5


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## Kevin

Colin did you notice how much lower the tree sits today than 117 years ago? That ground contact eats away at wood at a much faster rate. Everything about ground has not deteriorated much at all.


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## Final Strut

thrainson said:


> That is an amazing picture! Do you have a unspoiled ( no text... Lol) copy of that?



Haha. The text isn't mine. This was a Facebook steal. I am sure if a guy dug deep enough you could find an untouched version.


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## Schroedc

Kevin said:


> Colin did you notice how much lower the tree sits today than 117 years ago? That ground contact eats away at wood at a much faster rate. Everything about ground has not deteriorated much at all.



Yep, it does but I have to wonder if some of it is just the tree sinking into the ground, wonder what a guy would find if he dug under it......


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## gman2431

Well since its almost Christmas. 

When I was young our family was dirt poor. 

Our parents bought all is boys a new pair of blue jeans every year so we had something warm to wear. 

One year we all got up on Christmas and went downstairs to get our new pair of pants. My brother John put his on and said " what the Heck mom there's no pockets in them" 

Mom turned around and said "merry Christmas, you have a new pair of jeans and something to play with" 

Ole ma was always pretty clever....

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Mills

I thought it was funny. Mine wasn't that bad (or good). 
It makes me sick to see Christmas the way it is now. 
For those who celebrate Xmas...do you worship Malcom or Madame?


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## Kevin

Mike Mills said:


> I thought it was funny. Mine wasn't that bad (or good).
> It makes me sick to see Christmas the way it is now.
> For those who celebrate Xmas...do you worship Malcom or Madame?



Christmas is also sometimes known as Xmas. Some people don't think it's correct to call Christmas 'Xmas' as that takes the 'Christ' (Jesus) out of Christmas. (As Christmas comes from Christ-Mass, the Church service that celebrated the birth of Jesus.) But that is not quite right! In the Greek language and alphabet, the letter that looks like an X is the Greek letter chi / Χ (pronounced 'kye' - it rhymes with 'eye') which is the first letter of the Greek word for Christ, Christos. X was used well before the term Christmas was used!!!

The early church used the first two letters of Christos in the Greek alphabet 'chi' and 'rho' to create a monogram (symbol) to represent the name of Jesus. This looks like an X with a small p on the top: ☧







The symbol of a fish is sometimes used by Christians (you might see a fish sticker on a car or someone wearing a little fish badge). This comes from the time when the first Christians had to meet in secret, as the Romans wanted to kill them (before Emperor Constantine became a Christian). Jesus had said that he wanted to make his followers 'Fishers of Men', so people started to use that symbol.

When two Christians met, one person drew half a basic fish shape (often using their foot in the dust on the ground) and the other person drew the other half of the fish. The Greek word for fish is 'Ikthus' or 'Ichthys'. There are five Greek letters in the word. It can also make up a sentence of Christian beliefs 'Ie-sous Christos Theou Huios So-te-r' which in English means "Jesus Christ, Son of God, Saviour". The second letter of these five letter is X or Christos!

So Xmas can also mean Christmas; but it should also be pronounced 'Christmas' rather than 'ex-mas'!

Reactions: Great Post 3 | Way Cool 1 | Informative 3


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## Mike1950

Schroedc said:


> Yep, it does but I have to wonder if some of it is just the tree sinking into the ground, wonder what a guy would find if he dug under it......



Worms!!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## kweinert

thrainson said:


> That is an amazing picture! Do you have a unspoiled ( no text... Lol) copy of that?



https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct...EdD6HLtBX3l29AzFw&sig2=GPGhb5Hn9TeHHbbw_dpkvQ

In my browser (chrome) I just right clicked on the image and chose 'search google for the image' - it shows up in a lot of places.

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3


----------



## Fsyxxx



Reactions: Like 3 | EyeCandy! 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 4 | Useful 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Kevin

The things people are willing to do to themselves to make their face look like a lion's ass is beyond me.


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 11


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 1 | Creative 1


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## Mike Mills

Kevin said:


> View attachment 93669
> 
> The things people are willing to do to themselves to make their face look like a lion's ass is beyond me.
> 
> 
> View attachment 93669



Yep, just think of the many countless hours training his dog for the pose and then many more hours getting the shot just right.


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## NYWoodturner

Nice banner Kevin. You left out the text tough...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 4


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## SENC

Not a joke, but a viral internet advert for squatty potty. Disturbing or funny? I say both. But beware, I don't think Kevin's unsee button can help once you've watched.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

I'm not gonna watch then. I'm making homemade chicken soup . . . . .


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## Sidecar

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 93693


That's shocking !


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## SENC

Kevin said:


> I'm not gonna watch then. I'm making homemade chicken soup . . . . .


Rainbow ice cream for dessert?


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## Kevin

SENC said:


> Rainbow ice cream for desert?



I changed it to chicken tortilla soup halfway through. Pecan raisin cookies for deezert.


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## Sprung

Kevin said:


> I changed it to chicken tortilla soup halfway through. Pecan raisin cookies for deezert.



Hey! Get your spoon out of our pot! 

My wife is making chicken tortilla soup too - just informed me it's time to eat!

Reactions: Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

Sprung said:


> Hey! Get your spoon out of our pot!
> 
> My wife is making chicken tortilla soup too - just informed me it's time to eat!



Bet mine is better. Don't tell her I said that!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 2 | Informative 1 | Sincere 1


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## Mike Mills

[

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Mike Mills

A dog after my own heart...

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 12


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## DKMD

I still feel this way about bacon...

Reactions: Agree 4 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike1950

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new
wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from New York. He bragged that he had
told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said that it
took her a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean
house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from South Carolina. He bragged that he
had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told the men that the first day he didn’t see any results,
but by the next day it was better, and on the third day, his house was
clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table

The third man had married a Texas gal. He boasted that he told
her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and
laundry folded. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day
he didn’t see anything and the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## duncsuss

Mike1950 said:


> ... but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 6 | Funny 3


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## Tony

Truth behind this guy and laughed the whole time. Look at the company name and then the Yosemite Sam sticker. Tony

Reactions: Funny 11


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## duncsuss

the last septic service truck I saw had a sticker "WARNING: this tank contains politicians' promises"

Reactions: Funny 4


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## SENC

Not a joke, but funny...

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Tony

SENC said:


> Not a joke, but funny...



He's more honest than most people would be. Tony


----------



## Kevin



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 5


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## Tony

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 94891



That's not funny, it's just Gospel Truth. Tony

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Mike Mills

Tony said:


> it's just Gospel Truth. Tony



I'll give that a big _Amen and Amen_
.... a good ol' cats head biscuit busted open and smothered with gravy

Reactions: Like 1


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## Kevin

Women are wrong about men being sex-crazed animals. When we see a scantily-clad woman in a string bikini, we politely stare at the covered parts.

Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 5 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## robert flynt

Maw is in the living room, on the phone, thanking a neighbor for giving them some deer meat and tell him paw is having the kids guess what kind of meat it is that they are eating. Paw gives them a hint by telling them it is similar to a name ma call him frequently. The little girl jumps up spit the food out and shouts to her brother, "Spit it out quick Willie it's an Ass Hole!!!!

Reactions: Funny 13


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## phinds

Joel Stein wrote in Time magazine at the end of last year about how he was studying predictions so he could make his end of the year predictions. He talked to several professional prognosticators and even found one guy who had written a book about predictions. He said the book was absolutely amazing. After just 3 pages it had taught him how to make at least one iron-clad, guaranteed prediction, which was "I'm not gonna finish this book".

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## Sprung

Mike's reminded me of another one. Probably has been posted before.

It's so cold outside, I just saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## SENC

@duncsuss - I know you'll enjoy this one with me, even if no-one else enjoys it.

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back.
A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Kevin

SENC said:


> @duncsuss - I know you'll enjoynthis one with me, even if no-one else enjoys it....



@Tclem can you believe this illiterate arrogant prick? And on so many levels. Shees'h.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Tclem

Kevin said:


> @Tclem can you believe this illiterate arrogant prick? And on so many levels. Shees'h.


lolololol. Ha. English majors.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## SENC

Kevin said:


> @Tclem can you believe this illiterate arrogant prick? And on so many levels. Shees'h.


Good catch (maybe on both points)!

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | +Karma 1


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## duncsuss

Sounds Shakespearean to me. "Good sirs -- I enjoyn thee ..." 

Funny joke, but I've read stories about things contracted in hospitals being resistant to antibiotics -- and that's no laughing matter

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1


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## Kevin

duncsuss said:


> Sounds Shakespearean to me. "Good sirs -- I enjoyn thee ..." ...



I actually looked it up before making my post just to make sure it wasn't 'olde English' - can't be too careful when correcting the correctors lol.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## SENC

Tony, this would mean you could go home.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## SENC

And another one, @duncsuss, to separate the troglodytes from the erudites...

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike1950

Here is one -just a little cruder but I could NOT resist

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Kevin

It's not true though Mike. The reason is because if it were smaller, it would be the same size as the average British brain .......

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Kevin



Reactions: Like 1


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Kevin



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## SENC

That is hysterical!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Mills

If they are Z87.1+ approved I will wear them while turning.
Maybe they will lend some realism and creativity.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Fsyxxx



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Tony

Fsyxxx said:


> View attachment 95459



If you're not from Texas or know Spanish you probably don't get this one, but trust me, it's pretty dam funny. Tony

Reactions: Agree 4


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## Mike1950

Oh my this is PC

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tony

Mike1950 said:


> Oh my this is PC
> 
> View attachment 95736



Hey @Kevin , check it out, we get a deal!! Tony

Reactions: Funny 2 | +Karma 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 95760



perceive, deceit, receipts, financier, ceiling._..._


----------



## Tony

Actual restaurant here



 

I don't believe I'll say anything else. Tony

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Fsyxxx

Tony said:


> Actual restaurant here
> 
> View attachment 95977
> 
> I don't believe I'll say anything else. Tony


There's a place in austin called pho king noodle house.... Everyone mispronounces pho as foe. It's pronounced fa. I laugh at everytime I pass by.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 6


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## Kevin

Fsyxxx said:


> There's a place in austin called pho king noodle house.... Everyone mispronounces pho as foe. It's pronounced fa. I laugh at everytime I pass by.



I love me a hot bowl of spicy pho in the winter to really open up the sinuses.


----------



## Tony

Kevin said:


> I love me a hot bowl of spicy pho in the winter to really open up the sinuses.



Never tried it, normally just do egg drop or wonton.


----------



## Kevin

Tony said:


> Never tried it, normally just do egg drop or wonton.



It's health food so yah you'd probably tend to avoid it.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> It's health food so yah you'd probably tend to avoid it.



Can't really argue with you there......


----------



## Fsyxxx

It's lunch about twice a week!


----------



## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## Tony

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 96342



Now that is fuuny!!


----------



## SENC



Reactions: Like 4 | Great Post 4 | Informative 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1 | Sincere 1


----------



## Kevin



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


----------



## Johnturner



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Brink

It's ground hog day.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Johnturner

Yes it is but what is the connection??? I hope its not what I think.


----------



## Kevin

Never could get in front of him to read the side don't ask me what that's all about funny though.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Final Strut

This is an actual bar about an hour from where I live that we drove by a week or so ago.

Reactions: Like 1 | Way Cool 2


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## Kevin

Scott I need that sign.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Final Strut

Kevin said:


> Scott I need that sign.


Haha. If I ever get by there again I will surely stop in and see about getting it from them. I am sure they would be more than willing to part with it since it hangs out by the road about 20' in the air. I mean come on who relies on that type of advertising anymore.  When we drove by it I was on my way to Woodcraft and I actually said out loud in the car "you have got to be kidding me" and my daughter looked at me like she did something wrong. after I told her why it struck me as a surprise she looked at me like there was something wrong with me.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

Final Strut said:


> Haha. If I ever get by there again I will surely stop in and see about getting it from them. I am sure they would be more than willing to part with it since it hangs out by the road about 20' in the air. I mean come on who relies on that type of advertising anymore.  When we drove by it I was on my way to Woodcraft and I actually said out loud in the car "you have got to be kidding me" and my daughter looked at me like she did something wrong. after I told her why it struck me as a surprise she looked at me like there was something wrong with me.




 

Sorry about that lol.


----------



## Brink

Johnturner said:


> Yes it is but what is the connection??? I hope its not what I think.



It is, a can of ground up hog


----------



## SENC

Final Strut said:


> This is an actual bar about an hour from where I live that we drove by a week or so ago.
> View attachment 96398


You need to stop in and order the pie.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## hmmvbreaker

Two peanuts were walking through central park one night. One was a salted!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## SENC

BOO HISS!!!!!!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## hmmvbreaker

In a cost cutting effort the Secretary of Defense decided to force the top officers of each branch into early retirement.
The SecDef used a very unorthodox method to determine their retirement compensation. Each man would choose two points on his body. That distance would then be measured. They would recieve $1,000 per inch every year.
The Air Force General was first. He choose to be measured from the bottoms of his feet to the top of his head. 69" was measured.
The Navy Admiral was next. Thinking himself smarter he raised his hans in the air and asked to be measured from the bottoms of his feet to the tips of his fingers. 87" was measured.
The Army General, not be out done stood on tiptoe, raised his hands in the air and demanded to be measured from the tips of his toes to the tips of his fingers. 92" was measured.
Last up was the Marine General. He requested to be measured from the tip of his penis to his testicals. The doctor, incredulous, reminded him that he was being paid by the inch. The General insisted anyway. Ok, said the doctor, drop em. Upon dropping his pants the doctor exclaimed, Sir, where are your testicals?! The General replied, Vietnam! Start measuring!

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Kevin

I don't generally appreciate military jokes that exclude us coasties (_simply forgotus_) but that one was funny.


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## hmmvbreaker

Sorry @Kevin. I was a Seabee myself. And yeah, you coasties dont get due credit. Ive seen you guys in action.

Reactions: +Karma 1


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## Mike Mills

hmmvbreaker said:


> Two peanuts were walking through central park one night. One was a salted!




 



SENC said BOO HISS!!!!!!!!

If in the area come over for 2 or 6 Jack Daniels single barrell. It WILL be funny.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1


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## ripjack13

SENC said:


> BOO HISS!!!!!!!!



We really need a smiley for that one....

Reactions: Agree 2


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## SENC

Be careful roasting them weenies, Tony!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Johnturner

Talkabout Hotseat!!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Fsyxxx

Ba dum dum. ( supposed to be drum shot for the joke)


----------



## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Schroedc

SENC said:


> View attachment 96485
> Be careful roasting them weenies, Tony!



That cookout was kind of crappy and the beer tasted like piss.....

Reactions: Funny 6


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## bluedot

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

Reactions: Funny 4 | Sincere 1


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## TimR

I expect a lot of folks will have some chili cooking for today's game...some hotter than others, I'd expect. Here's a little Texas Chili humor...

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 2 | Funny 1


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## SENC

I know we try to stay away from politics - but regardless of what you may think politically, this is funny.

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 3


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## SENC

TimR said:


> I expect a lot of folks will have some chili cooking for today's game...some hotter than others, I'd expect. Here's a little Texas Chili humor...


Brilliant!


----------



## Kevin

@SENC I sent him an email asking him that if I voted or him, would he redistribute some of your curly koa to me, and he assured me that he would. He has my vote.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## robert flynt

Two men were sitting next to each at the super bowl and the first one noticed a empty seat next to the other guy. When mentioned it the second man said it was his wife's seat and that she had passed away and he couldn't get any of his friends to come with him. The first man said, really, not even one friend or relative and the second man said no, not one. The first guy said, you mean to tell me you couldn't get one friend to come with you to the most fantastic game in the world. No, the first man said, they all went to the funeral.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Johnturner

TimR said:


> I expect a lot of folks will have some chili cooking for today's game...some hotter than others, I'd expect. Here's a little Texas Chili humor...



IOs Texas Chili really that hot???


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6 | Useful 2


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## Kevin

Johnturner said:


> IOs Texas Chili really that hot???



Yep. It's only that hot in Texas. I once made a pot of 5 Alarm chili so hot it turned the cast iron pot partially molten. But when I took it to a powwow in Oklahoma the chili turned to ice within a minute of crossing the Red.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950

sorry- i could not resist-it is funny..

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Kevin

Try not to borrow money, but if you have to then borrow it from a pessimist - they don't expect it back anyway.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Kevin

Cool video Marc - here's another one with sound....

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950

It is that time of year folks- time to start thinking of elections-I know -I know- no politics but we all think about it- here are my thoughts......................

Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 2


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## Kevin

I no longer vote in federal elections but if I did I'd vote for this kid . . .

Reactions: Way Cool 1


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## JR Custom Calls

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady comes back.

“Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts…although still silent…stink terribly.”

The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 4 | Great Post 2 | Funny 2


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## JR Custom Calls

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’

Don’t Mess with Old People!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 12


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## Tony

JR Custom Calls said:


> The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
> 
> ‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
> 
> The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘
> 
> Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
> 
> The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
> 
> Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
> 
> Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
> 
> The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
> 
> Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
> 
> ‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
> 
> The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
> 
> The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
> 
> ‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
> 
> ‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’
> 
> Don’t Mess with Old People!



@Mike1950 is this how you've been able to afford all that wood you have?? Tony

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Kevin

_A weak prostate is a terrible thing to waste. _
Grandpa

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Kenbo



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## frankp

There's a tan line there? I must have missed it.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 2


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## frankp

I suspect sometime after the first big mistake... it's the "still too young to care" part that I think never goes away.


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## SENC

__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1087027001363929

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13

Hahahahahahahaaaaaaa!!!!!!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## NYWoodturner

SENC said:


> __ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1087027001363929



Thats hilarious

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

A conversation between Michele and I:

Michele: What are you reading?
Me: Oh, it's this new book on antigravity...
Michele: So help me God...
Me: Yeah, it's impossible to put down.
Michele: I hate you.

Reactions: Funny 9


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## SENC

ripjack13 said:


> A conversation between Michele and I:
> 
> Michele: What are you reading?
> Me: Oh, it's this new book on antigravity...
> Michele: So help me God...
> Me: Yeah, it's impossible to put down.
> Michele: I hate you.


Dead man walking...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2


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## ripjack13

I found my ol tape measure my dad gave me when I started woodworking....

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 8 | Way Cool 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Kevin

.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 8


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## SENC

Now thats one heckuva floater! TONY!?!?!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mr. Peet

Sorry Marc, it was me. I was so flushed that I didn't have the guff to push the handle. Smells like cherry, I didn't think anyone else "wood" notice......

Reactions: Funny 2


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## lonewolf

The delima is rather to call plumber or logger.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Mills

[

Reactions: Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Mills

OK, DUI is not funny but....

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

Mike Mills said:


> OK, DUI is not funny but....



If you don't have a truck I guess it's an easier way to get wood home. Tony


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## ripjack13

I saw that on the news!  Hahahahahaaa


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## hmmvbreaker

Spalted osage orange blanks! It took all day to come up with that one.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Maybe it's a white russian olive tree. Hahahahaa

Reactions: Funny 1


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## hmmvbreaker

ripjack13 said:


> Maybe it's a white russian olive tree. Hahahahaa


would you need a liquor license for that?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Ha!


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## Wildthings

Tony said:


> View attachment 98272


I love me some Beaver Nuggets especially the new hot ones!

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13

@SENC

Reactions: Funny 2


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## wombat

NYWoodturner said:


> Thats hilarious


??? a bit confused?? What's FB up to now? It works fine when I click on it.


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## SENC



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 3


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## Kevin

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 99353



I can't be the only one that can't quite figure that out. Square root of neg 1 x 2 cubed x omega x pie. 

Probably because the canvas it's printed on is distracting.


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## Schroedc

Kevin said:


> I can't be the only one that can't quite figure that out. Square root of neg 1 x 2 cubed x omega x pie.
> 
> Probably because the canvas it's printed on is distracting.



Square root of -1 is I
2 cubed is 8
Sigma means sum or sum up

So I 8 sum pi.

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1


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## Tony

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 99353



That's my pie!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## rocky1

Well no wonder Kevin couldn't get it, he had his alphabet wrong! He was distracted, and off on Omega, when he shoulda be on Sigma or sum thing! 


_(Pssst.... Kevin. How the hell did the square root of -1 get to be I? This new fangled math is getting about ridiculous!) _

Reactions: Like 1


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> I can't be the only one that can't quite figure that out. Square root of neg 1 x 2 cubed x omega x pie.
> 
> Probably because the canvas it's printed on is distracting.



I'm ashamed for you man, misreading the Greek letters!!!!!!


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## Mike Mills

The square root of -1 is I. I represents an "imaginary number".
All for pi day 314. 
Yesterday was 31416 and if you round up pi one decimal from 314159, there you have it (31416). Good to go for another century.


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## Kevin

I think some of you googled that. Tony is the smartest Greek on this forum and even he didn't know it.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## duncsuss

Engineers, especially us electricals, use j for the square root of -1, to avoid confusion with the i that's used for current. (Why use i for current? Dunno, going to have to look that up.)


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## rocky1

duncsuss said:


> Engineers, especially us electricals, use j for the square root of -1, to avoid confusion with the i that's used for current. (Why use i for current? Dunno, going to have to look that up.)




I think it has something to with Delta or Epsilon, or one of those Greek numbers!


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## duncsuss

rocky1 said:


> I think it has something to with Delta or Epsilon, or one of those Greek numbers!



Surprise, surprise -- I had to look it up 

Wrong nationality -- according to THIS SOURCE you have to blame the French for using the letter i for current. Specifically, one frenchman -- Monsieur Ampère, who chose to call it "intensity of current" when developing the Law which carries his name.


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## rocky1

That was purely speculation based upon SWAEG! 

But OK... sounds good to me.

Now we're back to 2+2 = red


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## Schroedc

rocky1 said:


> That was purely speculation based upon SWAEG!
> 
> But OK... sounds good to me.
> 
> Now we're back to 2+2 = red



No, It equals purple because aliens don't wear hats.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Tony

Schroedc said:


> No, It equals purple because aliens don't wear hats.



Well, ya, but the monkey doesn't wear any sleeves. Tony


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## Schroedc

Tony said:


> Well, ya, but the monkey doesn't wear any sleeves. Tony



Of course not, Wednesday was orange last month.


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## Tony

Schroedc said:


> Of course not, Wednesday was orange last month.



Sorry Colin, I forgot to factor in the Sagittarius shoes. Tony


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## Kevin

Not all 


Schroedc said:


> No, It equals purple because aliens don't wear hats.



Not all aliens are created equal. The _Children of the Sun_ aliens *have* to wear hats because they all walk on their hands, and without hats just imagine the sunburn they would get on their gammafizzlers (roughly equivalent to a human face). 

And remember, we are aliens to all other extraterrestials and we wear hats, so then there's that too.


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## Johnturner

But keep in mind that one leg is both the same.


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## Kevin

Johnturner said:


> But keep in mind that one leg is both the same.



That's true also for 240V coming off a center tap delta .... sorta but not at all.


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## duncsuss

Kevin said:


> That's true also for 240V coming off a center tap delta .... sorta but not at all.



On the other hand, there are other fingers.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Schroedc

duncsuss said:


> On the other hand, there are other fingers.



If you keep giving people the finger eventually you'll run out.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## robert flynt

Kevin said:


> That's true also for 240V coming off a center tap delta .... sorta but not at all.


Then you have to factor in the stinger leg in the delta with a center tap.


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## Kevin

robert flynt said:


> Then you have to factor in the stinger leg in the delta with a center tap.



Only when connecting a scorpion circuit.


----------



## ripjack13

Kevin said:


> Only when connecting a scorpion circuit.



But is it only when the left handed lava center cap is under the additional puffalump?


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> But is it only when the left handed lava center cap is under the additional puffalump?



Only if the unicorn's shirt has pockets on both sides.


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## ripjack13

Well...that's obvious....

Reactions: Like 1


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## Kevin

Let's try to get this thread back on track lol. There is a story accompanying this joke. First the joke. It's a chemistry joke (that I would not have figured out unless the translation was given):

_When the going gets tough, just remember to Barium, Carbon, Potassium, Thorium, Astatine, Arsenic, Sulfur, Uranium, Phosphorus._

This translates to:

(Ba)(C)(K)(Th)(At)(As)(S)(U)(P) or "back that ass up".

To me that's pretty funny and ingenious at the same time. But for Paris Gray, a standout student at her high school who was about to graduate and was slated to give the inspirational speech at graduation, her above quote in the school yearbook backfired. No one knew what it meant but one of the school staff figured it out, and the top brass at the school suspended her from the Friday Senior walk when the yearbooks were handed out. She was also told she would not be allowed to give the inspirational speech at graduation. The top brass should have heeded Paris's advice and backed their asses up.

The story went viral online and was picked up nationally. The school got flooded with emails and calls and the Superintendent folded under the pressure (and rightly so) and Gray was allowed to give her speech. To me it's shameful she got suspended - her yearbook quote was both smart and funny. Way to stick to your guns Paris and Zarinah (her mom who was key in the fight for her daughter).

Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 1


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## David Van Asperen

If it takes a grasshopper 15 minutes to kick a pickle off of a peanut butter sandwich, how many pancakes does it take to shingle a doghouse?
17 because chocolate ice cream has no bones.
May very well may be the only question I remember from Freshman algebra.


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## Kevin

Guys the joke thread is way too serious to be derailed with nonsesical off topic posts. We need jokes! 

@Mike1950 @Mike Mills et.al.


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## Mike Mills

Kevin said:


> Guys the joke thread is way too serious to be derailed with nonsesical off topic posts. We need jokes!
> 
> @Mike1950 @Mike Mills et.al.



Ohhhh... do you feel offended?

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 1 | +Karma 1


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## Kevin

Mike Mills said:


> Ohhhh... do you feel offended?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 99546




NO ONE IS HAPPIER THAN ME!!!



CAN'T YOU SEE HOW HAPPY I AM!?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> Guys the joke thread is way too serious to be derailed with nonsesical off topic posts. We need jokes!
> 
> Guy walks into an antique store and says, " what's new???"
> 
> Cue the rim shot!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Johnturner

This duck walks into a drug store and says "Give me some Chap-Stick, put it on my bill!"

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

Johnturner said:


> This duck walks into a drug store and says "Give me some Chap-Stick, put it on my bill!"


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## Schroedc

Knock knock,

Who's there?..........
Who's there?.......................
Who's there?.........
WHO'S THERE DAMMIT????.....

Reactions: Funny 7


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## duncsuss

The roots of the word "politics" are poli, which means many, and tics, which are blood sucking creatures.

I think that's an accurate definition of politicians.

Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 1


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## woodtickgreg

duncsuss said:


> and tics, which are blood sucking creatures.


Not all of em, lol.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

woodtickgreg said:


> Not all of em, lol.




Proving once again the old maxim that there's a good apple in every rotten basket.  

Tick for Prez in 2016!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> Proving once again the old maxim that there's a good apple in every rotten basket.
> 
> Tick for Prez in 2016!



Much better choice than we have now! Tony

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

Tony said:


> Much better choice than we have now! Tony



I think he would make a great CIC. We might not agree politically on everything but at least you'd know he wouldn't lie, cheat, or steal and we haven't seen that since probably Andrew Jackson.

Plus, he might appoint me Ambassador to The Republic of Curly Koa. Of course I would get him impeached when my clear-cutting atrocities came to light . . . .

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 99824



See that right there is my favorite kind of humor that is hilarious!

Reactions: Agree 5


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## bluedot

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna
> transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 2


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## duncsuss

bluedot said:


> Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?


LOL ... I can understand quite a few accents, so for me it'd be more like:

_Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone who doesn't understand the problem anyway?_

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Thank You! 1 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 7


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## Kenbo

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 99933



Okay, shut up and take my money!!!!!

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 99933



Now THAT is COOL!!!!!! Tony

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Mills

Air Force 1 on the way back from Cuba.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 8


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## Mike1950

as y' all know- everythin is bigger in Texas

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Kevin

Hey that looks like my cousin Roy Bob I wondered where he got off to......

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 10


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Tony



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Mills

Here's another tag......

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## ripjack13

Tony said:


> View attachment 100075

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950

Here is one political I guess- but we are paying for counseling for some of these "College Kids" ???? Oh My we are doomed.....

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Tony

Mike1950 said:


> Here is one political I guess- but we are paying for counseling for some of these "College Kids" ???? Oh My we are doomed.....
> 
> View attachment 100155



At my son's college, the couseling is free but it's done by students with professor supervision. Being my child, he needs LOTS of counseling. ........ Tony

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kevin

Mike did @SENC write the slogan for that poster?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> Mike did @SENC write the slogan for that poster?



No I think @SENC is one of the ones that is getting counseling- just a rumor Mind you. @Tclem said that.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Johnturner

MmmmmmKay?


----------



## robert flynt

Kevin said:


> Hey that looks like my cousin Roy Bob I wondered where he got off to......


Got him a ride to visit your other cousin Billy Bob. All joke aside, that does look like the mosquitos at my hunting lease!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13




----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Way Cool 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Great Post 4


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 100842



Good luck finding somebody like that these days! Tony

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## ripjack13

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 100889


That explains a lot Mike....

Reactions: Funny 4


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## DKMD

I'm not sure that was just mud...

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Schroedc

DKMD said:


> I'm not sure that was just mud...



Mud from the horse pasture?

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 8


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## robert flynt

Mike, You sure that wasn't grandma's snuff!

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## Kevin

Schroedc said:


> Mud from the horse pasture?



I think from the bull hind end . . . . .

Reactions: Agree 1


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## robert flynt

Kevin said:


> I think from the bull hind end . . . . .


Naa, grandma caught him playing in the out house.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike1950

robert flynt said:


> Mike, You sure that wasn't grandma's snuff!



Grandma had no snuff but man for 4' 10" she wielded one helluva spoon.............

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950

funny story- to add to above. Gramps was mellow- 6'2" and 225 now grandma- 4'10" and ?? lbs she was not. you followed the rules or else. My 2 cousins and sister and I would start the summer at their farm in far N. Id. Now Harold an I would last the summer but the other 2 M and J we will call them were doomed to go home in a week or 2. 
The story- M came in house and said the dog bit him- he had tooth marks so she chained the dog up to his house - now this was a very large german shephard mix which was mellow as could be. Grandma was suspicious but let it go it seemed. Next day same thing happened. Grandma reacted the same but she was a little short with M. Next day same thing. Grandma chained up dog but was very quiet. when M went out front door the next day she asked me 12 to go out back and spy on him. M went straight to dog and proceeded to pull out whiskers until dog got annoyed and nipped him. M goes in front door and tells grandma. she looks at me- I tell truth. Grandma turned a shade of purple that was never good- reached over and snatched a handfull of M's hair out and asked him how it felt. M's mom came to get him the next day and Harold and I proceeded to have a very good summer....... different world........

Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 3


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## robert flynt

robert flynt said:


> Naa, grandma caught him playing in the out house.


The devil made me do that Mike!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## robert flynt

Mike1950 said:


> Grandma had no snuff but man for 4' 10" she wielded one helluva spoon.............


Did you do the merry go round while she was working on you. You remember that on, She's got by the hand and your running in a circle while she wops you.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike1950

robert flynt said:


> Did you do the merry go round while she was working on you. You remember that on, She's got by the hand and your running in a circle while she wops you.



Me I remember very early how to follow the rules- that is all it took to avoid the spoon. She was fair but strict.....


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## kweinert



Reactions: Like 5 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

My mom broke the spoons on me....then she got the "strap"...a cut off of a leather belt that was cut into strips half way up...
Oohh...man that thing was painful!


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## Tony

I used to get the belt when I was a kid. My parents started real young so my dad had plenty of power with that thing! I was never abused but I learned my lesson,  never got punished for the same thing twice. When I was about 10, my dad said I was too old for spanking, he was going to punish me like they do in the Old Country. I Greece, they don't spank kids, apparently. He spread uncooked rice on the floor and made me kneel on it, warning me not to let my butt hit my heels. After 2 minutes of this, I was bawling and begging to be whipped!!!!! Tony

Reactions: Informative 2


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## robert flynt

Heck Mike my cousin I both had a temper. He would claw and I would bit! We would look like a dog and cat had been at it after someone broke up the fight. I remember when I was real small and we lived on a farm. One time our young heifer raked it horn up my back, about the time daddy got home,and he asked why I was crying. Well we had a very mean rooster that would spur you at the drop of a hat and I hated the thing, so I told him the rooster spurred me. He looked at the red welt on my back and we had chicken and dumpling for supper the next night!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Mills

robert flynt said:


> Heck Mike my cousin I both had a temper. QUOTE]
> Reminded me of my older brothers when they got into a fight. Dad would take them out and find a sapling (usually pine) about 1.5" diameter, place one on each side, and make them take turns slugging the sapling till their knuckles were raw. Of course they were fighting again a month later.


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## Mike Mills

*I'm starting meetings in my shop for people with OCD.
I don't have it, I'm just hoping they will take one look and start cleaning.
*

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 3 | Creative 1


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## robert flynt

My Irish Grandma was one I wouldn't dare cross and neither would her kid or any of us grand kids but she had another way to torture you. Being a former nurse she would doctor you if, as she called it, you looked puny. One time when we went to visit, she said she didn't like those black circles around my eyes, so she did something about it. Have you ever been given an enema while your cousin was peeping around the corner laughing? Little did he know that he was next in line because he laughed!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 12


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## Kevin



Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Kevin said:


>



Oh man.....those guys are awesome! I have a few of the CD's . I forgot all about them...

I gotta dig em out....


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> Oh man.....those guys are awesome! I have a few of the CD's . I forgot all about them...
> 
> I gotta dig em out....



I just discovered them today - heard a clip on the radio. Hilarious stuff.


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## Mike1950

I think this one is a GREAT way to end the day- The joke is on us though cause we will definitely be footing the bill for this one- as an ex employer-sorry but she is unemployable...........


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## Fsyxxx

Mike1950 said:


> I think this one is a GREAT way to end the day- The joke is on us though cause we will definitely be footing the bill for this one- as an ex employer-sorry but she is unemployable...........
> 
> View attachment 101310


Not for a body piercing studio. Other than that she's screwed


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## woodtickgreg

Mike1950 said:


> I think this one is a GREAT way to end the day- The joke is on us though cause we will definitely be footing the bill for this one- as an ex employer-sorry but she is unemployable...........
> 
> 
> View attachment 101310


Fall into tackle box!!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Kevin

I don't know why but when I looked at her the first word that came to mind was disease.


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## duncsuss

I must be evil. The first word I thought of was "electromagnet".

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Kevin

duncsuss said:


> I must be evil. The first word I thought of was "electromagnet".


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## duncsuss

Kevin said:


>



... and I had the visuals to go with it

Reactions: Agree 1


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## SENC

duncsuss said:


> I must be evil. The first word I thought of was "electromagnet".


MRI!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## DKMD

Is euthanasia too strong? 

After the MRI?

Reactions: Funny 3


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## rocky1

On a serious note, I bet she gets upset when people treat her like she's different.

Had a kid worked for us a couple summers up in ND. Tats, piercings, blonde Mohawk, dressed a tad funky, been everywhere/done everything/better than you type, never shut up/although he didn't say a lot, listened predominantly to head banging music, and most in depth conversations revolved endlessly around video games.

No he wasn't 12 - 15, although he did relate very well to those who were, he was 25 years old, 3 years of college under his belt, still hadn't decided on a major. And, he was grumpy because no one in a town of 450 people wanted to hire him. He was grumpy because his girlfriend's father treated him like he was different.

I was like, "DUDE! You have made every attempt on the planet to be different; now you're pissed because people treat you like you are? Give me a break!!"

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 5 | Funny 1


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## Mike Mills

OK, 11:42 and viewing a B? (C?, D?) horror movie on amazon Prime titled "Spellcaster"....

So Mickey and Minnie are in divorce court ..
and the judge says...
Mickey, I can't grant the divorce just because Minnie is acting strange.
Mickey replies, Judge I did not say she was acting strange.
I said 'She was f***ing Goofy.

Now a Great movie! I'll go back and watch the rest.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## duncsuss

SENC said:


> MRI!


I thought of that later!

First I did a mental replay of the Lincoln Continental that Oddjob drove into a scrap yard to dispose of somebody in Goldfinger. Then I watched it on YouTube and discovered the actual scene didn't use a magnet at all, it was a claw. I must have watched that movie a dozen times and got it wrong, another reminder of how safe "eyewitness testimony" can be.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Kevin

duncsuss said:


> I thought of that later!
> 
> First I did a mental replay of the Lincoln Continental that Oddjob drove into a scrap yard to dispose of somebody in Goldfinger. Then I watched it on YouTube and discovered the actual scene didn't use a magnet at all, it was a claw. I must have watched that movie a dozen times and got it wrong, another reminder of how safe "eyewitness testimony" can be.



I misremember stuff like that all the time.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## rocky1

It's an old age thing, us old farts don't have bad memory, we just have too much to remember; the older you get, the worse it gets. What we really need is defragmentation and memory cleaner software for the human brain.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Kevin

With me it's a scattered mnid form a rclkess yuoth.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 6 | Funny 4


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## SENC

duncsuss said:


> I thought of that later!
> 
> First I did a mental replay of the Lincoln Continental that Oddjob drove into a scrap yard to dispose of somebody in Goldfinger. Then I watched it on YouTube and discovered the actual scene didn't use a magnet at all, it was a claw. I must have watched that movie a dozen times and got it wrong, another reminder of how safe "eyewitness testimony" can be.


You were mixing that scene with one from The Spy Who Loved Me (Jaws). You can be forgiven though, because Jaws reprised in Moonraker, which also starred Dr. Goodhead. She has caused delusions for many of us.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

SENC said:


> You were mixing that scene with one from The Spy Who Loved Me (Jaws). You can be forgiven though, because Jaws reprised in Moonraker, which also starred Dr. Goodhead. She has caused delusions for many of us.



Allow me to introduce everyone to a man who knows his Bond . . . Hawthorne. Henry Hawthorne.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


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## Schroedc

Kevin said:


> Allow me to introduce everyone to a man who knows his Bond . . . Hawthorne. Henry Hawthorne.



He was shaken a lot as a kid? Stirred him good huh?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike1950

Sad part about this joke is it is on all of us- it is true- prisoners have more bennies then retiree's 

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Plan G. 
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!

Is this a great country or what? Now that I've solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week!

Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 7 | Funny 1


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> Sad part about this joke is it is on all of us- it is true- prisoners have more bennies then retiree's
> 
> Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Plan G.
> The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician.....



I just read about a 81 YO guy that sued the government because he only wounded the senator he tried to kill. He sued on the grounds that Plan G did not allow for any training bullets so he could be sure to make the kill in one shot. He was awarded 6.9 mil. The attorneys got 5.8 of it, the IRS took $794,00 and his state tax revenue "service" lighten his load by another 118,800 leaving him a little over 87,000 which the court said will be paid to the state mental institution toward his room and board. 

What a great country.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodtickgreg



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Johnturner

http://woodbarter.com/attachments/20160413_104310-jpg.101728/

That's not funny that's sad!


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## rocky1

Looks like something our employees would do Greg!

I'm a commercial beekeeper, member of Sue Bee Honey. They send us semi loads of 55 gallon drums, always have one or two drums full of drum gaskets, and occasionally have them ship other goodies to us inside the drums. Sue honey makes a bar-b-que sauce and we had someone wanted several cases, so we had them toss 8 cases in the next load of drums they shipped.

When we received the drums, we told the boys, "Back him up to the drum trailer and unload him." So they did... Took 320 drums off one semi trailer and put them in the other one. Got done the boss asked them what they did with the drums that had goodies in them. They said, "There weren't any drums with goodies in them." So we called Sioux City and asked about our goodies. They said, "There were 4 drums on the back of the trailer with gaskets and bar-b-que sauce, they were clearly marked." Everyone said, "We didn't see any marked drums."

Of course them being on the back of the trailer that delivered them, they were the first ones off and into our storage trailer, so they got to unload half the drums (_all the way down one side_) to the front of the trailer, where on the front row we found...





Yep! All 4 drums were marked like that, and they were stacked up no less... with gaskets and bar-b-que sauce these otherwise 40 lb. drums gotta weigh at least 80 pounds!! And, not only did they not see the signs, they didn't notice the difference in the weight of the drums.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Sprung

rocky1 said:


> I'm a commercial beekeeper, member of Sue Bee Honey.



Rocky, that could make for a great thread if you're ever willing to share pictures and some stories about your operation sometime.

Reactions: Agree 5


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## ripjack13

How many internet forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?
13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs
1 guy who uses the search, then bitches that the search found nothing about light bulbs. 
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
1 mod to lock it down after it goes off-track for the nth time...

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## woodtickgreg

Pretty damn funny Marc!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## DKMD

ripjack13 said:


> How many internet forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?
> 
> 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
> 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
> 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
> 1 to move it to the Lighting section
> 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
> 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
> 5 to flame the spell checkers
> 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
> 6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
> 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
> 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
> 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
> 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
> 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
> 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
> 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
> 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
> 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too
> 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
> 4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?
> 13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs
> 1 guy who uses the search, then bitches that the search found nothing about light bulbs.
> 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
> 1 mod to lock it down after it goes off-track for the nth time...


So true...

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mr. Peet

Marc,

of those 181 posts, how many do you think would be Kevin?

Reactions: Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13

I plead the fifth....

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

That was funny Marc.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950

I cannot remember if I posted this before but it suits my twisted sense of humor so here it is.

Grandpa The Gambler

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike1950

Doctors definition of Nancy Pelosi's Famous " We have to pass this bill to know what's in it" Sounds like a stool sample to me!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | +Karma 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Schroedc



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## Kenbo

Schroedc said:


> View attachment 102048



Sorry, but I don't get it. Sorry.

Reactions: Funny 4 | Sincere 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Tony



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 12


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 11 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Way Cool 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5 | Creative 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950



Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 7


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## barry richardson

Couple of good ones from facebook...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 5


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## woodtickgreg

Cool! I want one! Lol.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Fsyxxx

Where's the truckboattruck ?


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## DKMD

Fsyxxx said:


> Where's the truckboattruck ?

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 3


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## Fsyxxx

DKMD said:


> View attachment 102865


Bad ass.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

DKMD said:


> View attachment 102865



Could use that today, storming bad here. Tony

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Mills

DKMD said:


> View attachment 102865



Couple that with the camper and I can retire and travel anywhere.

? Where ya going this month.
A Any damn place I want to.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 102616



Someone gonna have to explain this one to me I don't get it.


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## DKMD

Kevin said:


> Someone gonna have to explain this one to me I don't get it.


The Kardashian girls are known for their large derrières.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Informative 1


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## Kevin

No kidding the girl in tbe pic doesn't seem fat or fat-bottomed. Thanks for the enlightrnment the meme makes sense now. I thought she saw something in there that startled her like maybe her reflection lol and so I couldn't figure it out.


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> Someone gonna have to explain this one to me I don't get it.



wide toilet- really big bottom............


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 5


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> Someone gonna have to explain this one to me I don't get it.



This is Kim Kardashian.

Reactions: Funny 1 | Informative 1


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## NYWoodturner

@Tony I'm a little concerned about you brother....

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

NYWoodturner said:


> @Tony I'm a little concerned about you brother....



No worries Scott, even though I'm Greek, she does not appeal to me at all. I was just trying to explain the joke to Kevin. Tony

Reactions: Funny 2 | +Karma 1


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## Kevin

Tony said:


> This is Kim Kardashian.
> 
> 
> View attachment 103030



I have to ask . . . . is that ass for real? Was that the stuff she was born with? To me that is a deformity - now there's a phrase that isn't PC.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> I have to ask . . . . is that ass for real? Was that the stuff she was born with? To me that is a deformity - now there's a phrase that isn't PC.



Don't worry about being PC, I don't think many of us here are. As far as I know it's for real. There's a whole mess of sisters that all have it. Tony

Reactions: Informative 1


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## justallan



Reactions: Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

_"What's under that kilt Scottie?"

"Me bag-n-pipe..."

_

Reactions: Funny 4


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## frankp

@Kevin I'm no fan of hers, but that picture makes it look more ridiculous than it really is. She has a sizeable ass, to be sure, but it doesn't stick out like it seems in that picture. She has her butt turned and "pushed" in that picture, toward the camera and there's a weird shadow (I actually think it's photoshopped since there's nothing that would be causing it) down the back of her thigh that makes her butt look more like a shelf. More stupid human tricks trying to garner attention.


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## kweinert



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8 | Way Cool 2


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## Mike Mills

That's just wrong....
but still funny.

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 11


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## Schroedc

Mike Mills said:


> That's just wrong....
> but still funny.
> 
> View attachment 103297



One of our local pumping companies advertise that they are number one in the number two business on the radio.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

I don't care how you vote, this is funny! Tony

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 5 | +Karma 2


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## Mike1950

By nov. there will be enough political jokes here to make a book..........

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 11


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> By nov. there will be enough political jokes here to make a book..........
> 
> View attachment 103389



I had to G Rosie to find out what the joke is about. I thought maybe she lost office somewhere. I discovered she is trying to sell her house mansions estate. What really grabbed me when I read the article was this:

_O'Donnell, who made the Rockland County riverfront town of Nyack her home for years, bought the house in 2014 for $6.375 million, when she was married to her second wife, Michelle Rounds, *with whom she has a daughter, Dakota*. She and Rounds split in early 2015. _

WTF? I know a lot has happened with what science can do but dayum, are ya tellin me a woman can impregnate a woman now?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Fsyxxx

Kevin said:


> I had to G Rosie to find out what the joke is about. I thought maybe she lost office somewhere. I discovered she is trying to sell her house mansions estate. What really grabbed me when I read the article was this:
> 
> _O'Donnell, who made the Rockland County riverfront town of Nyack her home for years, bought the house in 2014 for $6.375 million, when she was married to her second wife, Michelle Rounds, *with whom she has a daughter, Dakota*. She and Rounds split in early 2015. _
> 
> WTF? I know a lot has happened with what science can do but dayum, are ya tellin me a woman can impregnate a woman now?


It's very mean and hateful for you to ask, we have to not offend the .3% of the population that identifies as female and can make a woman pregnant. Just because they have a willowy doesn't make them a man and you can't ask about it.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Tony

Fsyxxx said:


> It's very mean and hateful for you to ask, we have to not offend the .3% of the population that identifies as female and can make a woman pregnant. Just because they have a willowy doesn't make them a man and you can't ask about it.



Well said Sir! Or Ma'am, if that's what you prefer. ...........

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Kevin

A willowy!!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## duncsuss

Kevin said:


> _... she was married to her second wife, Michelle Rounds, *with whom she has a daughter, Dakota*. She and Rounds split in early 2015. _
> 
> WTF? I know a lot has happened with what science can do but dayum, are ya tellin me a woman can impregnate a woman now?



I haven't researched this, but I'd be willing to bet that more women married to a man have given birth to babies that were the result of artificial fertilization (or embryo implantation) than women married to a woman.


----------



## Schroedc

duncsuss said:


> I haven't researched this, but I'd be willing to bet that more women married to a man have given birth to babies that were the result of artificial fertilization (or embryo implantation) than women married to a woman.



And a fairly good sized group of couples have had children that were not biologically theirs but still their children due to adoption.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Useful 1


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## Schroedc



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 4 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


----------



## duncsuss

"Schwartzes? Zeit nisht meshugge. Loz eym gaien ..." My father loved this line -- he was laughing for days after we went to see the movie together.

Reactions: Like 3


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> I had to G Rosie to find out what the joke is about. I thought maybe she lost office somewhere. I discovered she is trying to sell her house mansions estate. What really grabbed me when I read the article was this:
> 
> _O'Donnell, who made the Rockland County riverfront town of Nyack her home for years, bought the house in 2014 for $6.375 million, when she was married to her second wife, Michelle Rounds, *with whom she has a daughter, Dakota*. She and Rounds split in early 2015. _
> 
> WTF? I know a lot has happened with what science can do but dayum, are ya tellin me a woman can impregnate a woman now?



Couple of "guys" across the street had twin girls............... we need a do no-see no- hear no evil smiley........... Ps. The twins are cute as can be...........


----------



## JR Parks

*Badges? We don't need no stinking badges!*

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


----------



## barry richardson

Pretty funny and a good lesson for the Govt. and upcoming generation...





__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10150292687468073

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 2


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## ripjack13

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?


----------



## ripjack13

Mike1950 said:


> Couple of "guys" across the street had twin girls............... we need a do no-see no- hear no evil smiley........... Ps. The twins are cute as can be...........


----------



## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


>


Remind me to add this one when I get back to the house!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## rocky1

Kevin said:


> Remind me to add this one when I get back to the house!




You're reminded, since Marc didn't.

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## Kevin

rocky1 said:


> You're reminded, since Marc didn't.



Thanks but you'll have to remind me when I'm back at the house again later.........

Reactions: Funny 1


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## SENC

Kevin said:


> Thanks but you'll have to remind me when I'm back at the house again later.........


Remind us to remind you when you get back to the house again.

Reactions: Useful 1


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## Kevin

SENC said:


> Remind us to remind you when you get back to the house again.



I'd make a great president. Can't remember anything.

Reactions: Great Post 1


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## rocky1

That's spooky, now he's trying to act like a Clinton!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 6


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## robert flynt

Kevin said:


> I'd make a great president. Can't remember anything.


How many times in one day do you put something down and can't find it 60 sec. later??


----------



## Kevin

robert flynt said:


> How many times in one day do you put something down and can't find it 60 sec. later??



All day.

Reactions: Agree 5


----------



## SENC

In that case, don't forget the smilie.

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1


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## SENC

In that case, don't forget the smilie.

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1


----------



## SENC

Yep, that was intentional.

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1


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## SENC

In that case, don't forget the smilie.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## SENC

@Kevin

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1 | Funny 1


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## SENC

In that case, don't forget the smilie.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Kevin

Okay I will do it now. I just put my feet up but we need that smilie. If I can find it......

Reactions: Funny 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## Kevin



Reactions: Like 2 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

@ripjack13

Reactions: Like 1


----------



## ripjack13

ripjack13 said:


> Are you home yet?





rocky1 said:


> You're reminded, since Marc didn't.



I did....in the mod area...he must not have seen it.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## ripjack13

Kevin said:


> @ripjack13


----------



## Johnturner




----------



## justallan

A good many years back my father and I were traveling throughout N. California in his VW Vanagon and drove down into Weaverville, which seems to be about 30 miles down a pretty decent hill and believe it or not I think it's further coming out if you're driving a VW. Well starting up the hill we see a hitch hiker and Dad tells me to jump in back where all of our stuff is and stops and gives the guy a lift. I'm pretty sure I've run across better smelling road kill for darned sure, this guy just friggin' reeked. We didn't make it but a couple miles and my dad turns around and winks to me, leaving me to wonder a little.
Well, pretty quick Dad starts griping about somebody riding our tail, which turned to yelling for them to just go on around. For whatever reason I turned around to see what kind of an idiot actually stays behind a VW van and there ain't nobody there! For a couple seconds I thought my dad had friggin' lost it, but I caught on.
So I'm watching this hitch hiker, he's watching my dad and my dad was at one point hanging out the window waiving on an imaginary car while stomping on the brakes and hollering his head off for them to just pass.
Finally this guy turns around to see what this car is doing and his eyes about come out of his head when there weren't no car. He looks at me and I'm just sitting there laughing my butt off.
Dad says to heck with it that he has to stop and take a leak anyhow. Try to imagine this, while Dad's doing his thing this guy gathers his stuff and says he'll just walk the rest of the way that it wasn't far anyhow. I think it's safe to say that it was still pretty far up that hill.
My father and I laughed for several hundred miles and I believe he had to stop once for fear of wrecking the van from laughing.

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 3 | Funny 5


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## robert flynt

Kevin said:


> All day.


Glad to know that I'm not alone and it's not just us old farts!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## justallan

It's raining and I'm bored! This might work. This was a few years ago when working with a kid that seemed to be everywhere but in his tractor. I took a deer horn and tied a rubber snake to it with fishing line, tucked the snake under the hay and called him over. While standing there I glanced over his shoulder and made out like I couldn't quite see what was laying there.
Aug 5, 2013 8:36pm

Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13

justallan said:


> It's raining and I'm bored! This might work. This was a few years ago when working with a kid that seemed to be everywhere but in his tractor. I took a deer horn and tied a rubber snake to it with fishing line, tucked the snake under the hay and called him over. While standing there I glanced over his shoulder and made out like I couldn't quite see what was laying there.
> Aug 5, 2013 8:36pm



Won't let me view it....can you upload it to youtube?


----------



## justallan

Crap, I was worried about that. It's a link to my FB page. Let me see what I can do.

Reactions: Like 1


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## justallan

Does that work? I changed my FB settings to global.

Reactions: Like 1


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## NYWoodturner

Worked for me!

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## JR Parks

Quite the dance - good job Allan

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Yep it works....good stuff...

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13

I know how I'm scaring the wife this weekend. Lol

Reactions: Funny 2


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## justallan

It could have ben a better video, but I was busy laughing and fell down.

Reactions: Like 2


----------



## Mike1950

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario,

says: "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends

are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think

it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant

regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque

should be allowed, in an effort to promote

tolerance."


"That

is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next

door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within

the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be

gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other, a topless

bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."




"Next door should

be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to

that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called “Iraq of

Ribs."


"Across

the street there could be a lingerie store called

"Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy

mannequins in the window modeling the goods", and on

the other side a liquor store called

"Morehammered."


"All of this would encourage Muslims to

demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us."


Yes we should promote

tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on. And

if you are not laughing or smiling at this point... It is

either past your bedtime, or its midnight at the oasis and

time to put your camel tobed.

Reactions: Great Post 3 | Funny 4


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## Kevin

@ripjack13

Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13

@Mrs RipJack13 







Heh heh heh.....

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> @Mrs RipJack13
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Heh heh heh.....



*Language alert! Do not play this video in front of children or individuals sensitive to curse words as there are a few at the beginning of the video.*

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Johnturner

Marc
I am happy to donate blood if you need some!

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

Well fellas....I'm still alive. We were outside playing with the grand kiddo, I missed when she went in. But boy o boy was she mad when she came back outside....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## SENC

ripjack13 said:


> Well fellas....I'm still alive. We were outside playing with the grand kiddo, I missed when she went in. But boy o boy was she mad when she came back outside....


It ain't over!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> Well fellas....I'm still alive. We were outside playing with the grand kiddo, I missed when she went in. But boy o boy was she mad when she came back outside....


We need a _"Pay-back is hell"_ rating .....

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

SENC said:


> It ain't over!



I took her out to dinner...seems to have helped. Lol

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> I took her out to dinner...seems to have helped. Lol



Hope you didn't leave your food unattended........ Tony

Reactions: Funny 5


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## rocky1

ripjack13 said:


> @Mrs RipJack13
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Heh heh heh.....





Spider Gag Box <---Worth EVERY PENNY!!!


Nephew is scared to death of spiders, and he is one of the nosiest SOBs you ever wanted to meet in your life. Ran across the above box on the net, ordered it, told the office manager what I was gonna do with it. She said, "How are you going to get him to open it, he's going to know something is up if you hand it to him and tell him to open it?" I told her, "All I have to do is sit on the counter, and let him walk in the door. I won't have to point him to it, I won't have to say a word."

Sure enough!! He walked in the door, went to the opposite side of the room, saw the little box sitting there on the counter, walked straight across the room, and opened it up! I'm not even going to going to repeat what he screamed, like a gurl, suffice to say he was about a foot off the floor, jumped 6 - 8 feet backwards backpedaling as fast he could the whole time. Then the sadistic bastard gets his 6 year old son to open it. You ever seen that look of true fear one gets on their face when they believe they are about to die?! The poor child was mortified!! He was so scared he couldn't move. He was trying to jump and run, but he was locked up tight. His wife wasn't real impressed with it either.

But he had so much fun with mine, that he went home and ordered one!!

Reactions: Funny 2 | Way Cool 1


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## Mrs ripjack13

No it ain't over........

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 7 | Sincere 1


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## ripjack13

Mrs RipJack13 said:


> No it ain't over........



Yes dear....

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3 | Sincere 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 5 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 3


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13

@Tclem

Reactions: Funny 8


----------



## Tclem

ripjack13 said:


> @Tclem
> 
> View attachment 104343


What's chemistry

Reactions: Sincere 1


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## Kevin

Tclem said:


> What's chemistry

Reactions: Funny 7


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## JR Parks

ripjack13 said:


> Well fellas....I'm still alive. We were outside playing with the grand kiddo, I missed when she went in. But boy o boy was she mad when she came back outside....


Reminds me of the time I was showing my boys the cool tricks a hog nose snake does as his defense mechanisms. By the time my wife to home he wasn't performing anymore. But after a week since he got lose in the house she found hi; under a pillow-she did then get to see his perfect cobra imitation and some very loud hissing- and won prizes for her hop skip and jump. At least I didn't do it on purpose! Jim

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 104466



It won't play. I think your link is broken.....

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Try it again. I fixed it.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodtickgreg

Nope, still don't work.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kevin

You're mean and cruel Marc. I was going to put you in my will but now I am not going to.

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13




----------



## woodtickgreg

ripjack13 said:


>


Oh now I get it, lol. I have been had

Reactions: Funny 2


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## SENC

woodtickgreg said:


> Oh now I get it, lol. I have been had


I knew you were related to Tony! Busted!

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Tony

SENC said:


> I knew you were related to Tony! Busted!




Hey

No need to lump me in there with Greg!!!!!!!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Strider

I just can't! :D

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## woodtickgreg

Omg The model in the heels was the best, I think I peed a little laughing!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


----------



## Kevin

That white-haired weatherman around 5:48 got me giggling like a little girl. And the "quite the uterus" comment was hilarious.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kevin

Geez Strider what you been watching all the video thumbnails after the video played are titty videos lol.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

Can't lie....she knew something was up cuz the lil guy insisted on her to go. But he absolutely loved it. He wants to put spiders everywere now....

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Strider

@Kevin I don't know what you are talking about, sir!

Might be that it personalized! ;)

Reactions: +Karma 1


----------



## Tony



Reactions: Funny 2 | Sincere 2


----------



## DKMD



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


----------



## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6 | Funny 1


----------



## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 8


----------



## ripjack13

Ok...I'm looking for a humming bird feeder on Amazon, and I'm scrolling through the "Also bought" section under the product, and this shows up...REALLY???

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 6


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## rocky1

Poor Mrs. rip, first the spider on the toilet paper roll, now this!

Bet you ordered a set in Red and Green for the Holidays; didn't you? Poor kids will think Santa is there all the time with them sleigh bells jingling!!

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> Ok...I'm looking for a humming bird feeder on Amazon, and I'm scrolling through the "Also bought" section under the product, and this shows up...REALLY???
> 
> View attachment 104951



Maybe you're missing something on the proper way to feed hummingbirds....

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

Did you get one set or two Marc?

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13

Tony said:


> Did you get one set or two Marc?



2...one set for me, one set for her, to use on me...

Reactions: Funny 2 | Creative 1


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## rocky1

One red set, one green set... mix and match to get in the holiday spirit!

Of course one might also consider mixing them up for navigation lights when you go motor boatin!




I apologize Mrs. rip... I do hope you know who instigated this!!! It was that tclem fellow I think! rip would never open a topic like this.

Reactions: Way Cool 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 2


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## ripjack13

GREAT HORNY TOADS!!!

Reactions: Like 1


----------



## Kevin



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2 | Funny 2


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


----------



## Mike1950



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 105027


----------



## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 105027



If I got the text I'd reply:

_Use the acid vat dumbass. I'm not paying you to ask me questions!_

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


----------



## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> If I got the text I'd reply:
> 
> _Use the acid vat dumbass. I'm not paying you to ask me questions!_


----------



## Jim Beam

jeezuz. I'm not coming in here again. ever.

Reactions: Funny 5


----------



## Mike1950

@Tclem got a new set of wheels. Lookin good!!!

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Tclem

Mike1950 said:


> @Tclem got a new set of wheels. Lookin good!!!
> 
> View attachment 105028


You down here in Mississippi again ?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tclem

SENC said:


>


Hahahahahahahaha


----------



## Mike1950

Tclem said:


> You down here in Mississippi again ?


----------



## kweinert

Tclem said:


> You down here in Mississippi again ?



I think he found a couple of light fixtures on that vehicle that he was interested in.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


----------



## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 6


----------



## kweinert

Must be a Colorado rooster - caught in one of those tornadoes on the eastern plains.


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 105092 View attachment 105093



Marc, you like living on the edge don't you? Tony

Reactions: Agree 2


----------



## Kevin



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## ripjack13

Tony said:


> Marc, you like living on the edge don't you? Tony


----------



## lonewolf

Who came first the chicken or the egg?



The rooster that selfish bastard.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## woodtickgreg

One day I was drinking coffee and took a sip and sucked in something, I spit it out and yes it was a spider! Kinda creepy but I finished my coffee anyway, lol.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


----------



## Mike1950

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 105092 View attachment 105093




Marc- at the end of the day-still strutting but..........

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


----------



## DKMD



Reactions: Funny 5


----------



## Kevin

DKMD said:


> View attachment 105107



I was looking for a gross icon. We really need one what with Tony's Greekness, Rip's borderline pereversion, many members' fart and bowel jokes, and now Doc's heretofore hidden affinity for obese camel toe, we're in dire need for one.

Reactions: Agree 8


----------



## SENC

Kevin said:


> I was looking for a gross icon. We really need one what with Tony's Greekness, Rip's borderline pereversion, many members' fart and bowel jokes, and now Doc's heretofore hidden affinity for obese camel toe, we're in dire need for one.

Reactions: Like 2


----------



## Kevin



Reactions: Great Post 3 | Funny 5


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## SENC

Something else to get @ripjack13 in trouble when he gets bored with the spider...

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

Lemme go tell her right now....

Be right back....

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Well....that didn't have the effect I was hoping for.
She just agreed with me....
That's odd.....

Reactions: Funny 2


----------



## Kenbo

ripjack13 said:


> Well....that didn't have the effect I was hoping for.
> She just agreed with me....
> That's odd.....

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1 | Sincere 1


----------



## manbuckwal



Reactions: Funny 8


----------



## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Strider

:D 

"Russian plumber can't figure out why everyone is staring at him."





This one is so true! :D





This one would prove a bad joke!

Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodtickgreg

Ok, the bomb guys one made me bust out laughing loudly and I'm all by myself! Too damn funny!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Strider

Made me fall off my chair haha!


----------



## Johnturner

It took me a minute to get the bomb one, I'm not the sharpest tack in the box, when I did I burst out laughing!.

Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## woodtickgreg

Every time I look at it I crack up, damn that's a good one!


----------



## Kevin

The bomb one is hilarious. I can't get the Rusky plumber one though. Someone gotta 'splain that one to me.

Reactions: Agree 3


----------



## robert flynt

DKMD said:


> View attachment 105107


Good gosh Gurdy what a gash! I've been struck blind!!! Don't do that any more Doc!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2 | Sincere 1


----------



## robert flynt

Kevin said:


> I was looking for a gross icon. We really need one what with Tony's Greekness, Rip's borderline pereversion, many members' fart and bowel jokes, and now Doc's heretofore hidden affinity for obese camel toe, we're in dire need for one.


How about one holding his nose or sticking his finger down his throat.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## robert flynt

ripjack13 said:


> Well....that didn't have the effect I was hoping for.
> She just agreed with me....
> That's odd.....


Better watch out she's going to sew you up in a sheet while your sleeping and beat you with a baseball bat. If I were you I sleep with one eye open!!!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2


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## Tony

robert flynt said:


> Better watch out she's going to sew you up in a sheet while your sleeping and beat you with a baseball bat. If I were you I sleep with one eye open!!!!



The Willie Nelson, a classic!!! Tony

Reactions: Agree 2


----------



## Schroedc

woodtickgreg said:


> Ok, the bomb guys one made me bust out laughing loudly and I'm all by myself! Too damn funny!



Used to work with a maintenance guy, he was kinda a dink, so we waited until he was up on a 3 foot ladder working in a light fixture and dropped a big light bulb on the floor right next to him. I think he may have crapped himself as we didn't see him the rest of the day....

Reactions: Funny 4


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## rocky1

2 liter pop bottle and air hose fitting would be more fun. 

Using a utility knife score the sides of the 2 liter pop bottle in a few places. Drill an appropriately sized hole in the bottle cap and screw in one of your air fittings. Screw the cap on the bottle tightly. Turn valve off on your compressor, blow pressure off, connect hose, and open valve quickly!!

NOT recommended you do this in-doors!!
NOT recommended you do this around anyone with heart problems!!
NOT recommended you do this around your wife rip... she will sew you in the bedsheets and beat your ass if you do!!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2 | Informative 1


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## woodtickgreg

rocky1 said:


> NOT recommended you do this around your wife rip... she will sew you in the bedsheets and beat your ass if you do!!!


That's funny right there! I think he already has it coming, lol.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Well....I have been having trouble sleeping. Or maybe it's just me being a worry wort....and...fearing for my life.
Lol

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Sincere 1


----------



## Tony



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


----------



## MKTacop

Kevin said:


> The bomb one is hilarious. I can't get the Rusky plumber one though. Someone gotta 'splain that one to me.


Just guessing since I don't read Russian, but I'd say that they are staring because he looks like Hugh Laurie.


----------



## Kevin

MKTacop said:


> Just guessing since I don't read Russian, but I'd say that they are staring because he looks like Hugh Laurie.



That must be it now that I looked up Hugh Laurie. They favor a little. I didn't know him by name but I recognized his face once I looked him up. Loris did translate the poster for us it says '''

"Russian plumber can't figure out why everyone is staring at him."


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1 | Creative 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8


----------



## MKTacop

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 105514



I'd be more inclined to think he likes Rap....

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


----------



## ripjack13

MKTacop said:


> I'd be more inclined to think he likes Rap....

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 4 | Great Post 2 | Funny 2


----------



## Strider

MKTacop said:


> Just guessing since I don't read Russian, but I'd say that they are staring because he looks like Hugh Laurie.


Precisely!


----------



## kweinert

Saw a bumper sticker today:

Bruce Jenner is Kanye West's new mother-in-law.

Reactions: Funny 6


----------



## Mike1950

and fresh off the press's today

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


----------



## Wildthings

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 105513


An A1 Thick and Hearty please!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> and fresh off the press's today
> 
> View attachment 105526



Lol i just posted that a few posts back. I guess the pervert didn't learn his lesson the first time.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> Lol i just posted that a few posts back. I guess the pervert didn't learn his lesson the first time.



sorry i did not see it..


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## Kevin

I thought it was funny - I mean what are the odds.


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> I thought it was funny - I mean what are the odds.



I am sorta partial to the texas ones.


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## robert flynt

Wildthings said:


> An A1 Thick and Hearty please!


You mean you can think about food after looking at that. Made me queezy and I had to take some for an upset stomach. That an image only a guino. doctor should see. Oh wrong post! I thought you were talking about that picture Doc posted.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 9


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## rocky1

Is it just me or does that little guy kinda look like Kevin???

Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 105550
> 
> 
> Is it just me or does that little guy kinda look like Kevin???


Why, because he's short?

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Tony

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 105550
> 
> 
> Is it just me or does that little guy kinda look like Kevin???



Nope, too tall

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

Who outed my baby pictures!?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodtickgreg

They should have thrown his mother in with the gorilla to distract the gorilla and get the kid out, dumb ass parent should have been watching the kid. Shame they had to shoot the gorilla because of a dumb ass parent.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

woodtickgreg said:


> They should have thrown his mother in with the gorilla to distract the gorilla and get the kid out, dumb ass parent should have been watching the kid. Shame they had to shoot the gorilla because of a dumb ass parent.



Couldn't agree more Greg. Tony

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950

woodtickgreg said:


> They should have thrown his mother in with the gorilla to distract the gorilla and get the kid out, dumb ass parent should have been watching the kid. Shame they had to shoot the gorilla because of a dumb ass parent.



Ehh My guess is then you were the perfect parent and never got distracted. Myself I can't make that claim. all this news about one f...ing gorilla. Must have been absolutely nothing else happening... personally i think this should be front and center. *VA takes heat over plan to let nurses treat vets without doc supervision  but it gets the back page....*


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> Ehh My guess is then you were the perfect parent and never got distracted. Myself I can't make that claim. all this news about one f...ing gorilla. Must have been absolutely nothing else happening... personally i think this should be front and center. *VA takes heat over plan to let nurses treat vets without doc supervision  but it gets the back page....*



Mike I agree in principal that nurses shouldn't be treating patients in lieu of doctors, but my VA nurse has been treating me ever since my good doctor retired a couple years ago and was replaced by my current lousy doctor. My nurse has been doing a much better job. BUT, it has forced me to take a hard look at my years of putting toxins and processed crap in my body and expecting someone esle to fix me. I have been pretty much treating myself lately and I am almost off insulin completely. I did get off for a whole week but have had to start taking a little again but it's only because my pancreas and the rest of my body are adjusting to my new way of eating. But I take less than 20% of what I was taking. 

Most doctors are part of the problem not the answer. We're responsible for our own health, no one else. I'm NOT referring to Doc Keller and his ilk - his work has nothing to do with the quacks that do nothing except prescribe pills. Doc puts broken people back together and fixes ruined joints that gives people their mobility back. Let' make that clear. 

But 95% of what general physicians do is unnecessary if people would stop eating crap. And all those pills cause other terrible problems. I'm off ALL my meds except the insulin and I'm fighting hard to beat that permamnently too. I know this is a little off topic from your point, because most of my veteran brothers and sisters are not going to do what I'm doing, so they do need to pills to continue their poor standard of living versus the grave, but still it's a choice whether one takes control of their own health or depends on a doctor, or a nurse, or a shaman, or a herbalist, or a Mutant Ninja Turtle, or . . . .


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## rocky1

Not trying to start a pissing match or nothing Mike, but news reports have indicated that the child had already told his parents he wanted to get down in the water and play with the gorilla. That's why they are investigating the parents, the authorities felt they should have NOT been distracted after he suggested such, that they should have been paying a little closer attention.

Having raised children, (currently raising one we have been blessed with by a pill headed niece), I know they can be a handful. I had words with my ex SEVERAL times because my oldest son was about as damned hard headed as any child you have ever seen, and as I used to tell her when she was chewing me out about tanning his backside at 4 years old. "This is NOT about picking up his damn toys, this is about him standing there telling me NO, because he doesn't want to listen to me. If he decides to run out in the street with traffic coming, and you tell him not to, is it going to be alright if he just decides you can go to hell he's going to do what he wants anyhow?"

Fortunately, my present wife and I agree on that point, and she is more apt to have problems with the grand-niece than I, in respect to the child not minding. However, she gets all upset with herself for spanking the child at times. I keep telling her, it's for the child's own good, she has to learn to listen and respect authority. I don't care if she is only 4, if you tell her not to run out in the street, she needs to know and respect not to.

My guess would be, this kid got through the fence, parents started screaming, but he's a free spirit, ( "_we don't spank our children, we put them in timeout AFTER they've been bad_" ), so they go on and be bad, and expect to have to sit in a corner someplace for a minute or two, so he didn't listen.

And, yes you are right... Bigger problems in the world to solve than shooting a damn monkey, to save a child.

Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 8


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## NYWoodturner



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Tclem

Bet you can't do this @SENC

Reactions: Funny 7 | Sincere 1


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## Mike1950

Tclem said:


> Bet you can't do this @SENC
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 105617


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6


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## woodtickgreg

Mike1950 said:


> Ehh My guess is then you were the perfect parent and never got distracted.


No, I'm not a perfect anything, and I did keep an eye on my child, and he was diciplined swiftly when he misbehaved or didn't do what I said. He was not allowed to ignore us and do what ever he wanted. Big difference between being a perfect parent and allowing your child to get pulled apart by a gorilla. It had to take some time for him to get into the enclosure. If I had screwed up so bad I'm sure I would be held accountable for my actions.


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## Kevin

NYWoodturner said:


>



We had to watch it twice because Terry was laughing out loud so much I would miss the next line. That was friggin hilarious. It's even more funny for people that have seen Cowspiracy etc. and get the punch lines. She is watching his other videos now. She is over there laughing her head off. Thanks Scott you have provided some great endorphin spikes for us today.

Hey man, have you ever considered adopting an endorphin-only lifestyle?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike1950

woodtickgreg said:


> No, I'm not a perfect anything, and I did keep an eye on my child, and he was diciplined swiftly when he misbehaved or didn't do what I said. He was not allowed to ignore us and do what ever he wanted. Big difference between being a perfect parent and allowing your child to get pulled apart by a gorilla. It had to take some time for him to get into the enclosure. If I had screwed up so bad I'm sure I would be held accountable for my actions.



We don't agree- no big deal. I just wish that the many other horrendous things that happen got 10% as much attention.....

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Tclem

woodtickgreg said:


> No, I'm not a perfect anything, and I did keep an eye on my child, and he was diciplined swiftly when he misbehaved or didn't do what I said. He was not allowed to ignore us and do what ever he wanted. Big difference between being a perfect parent and allowing your child to get pulled apart by a gorilla. It had to take some time for him to get into the enclosure. If I had screwed up so bad I'm sure I would be held accountable for my actions.


I wish we knew more about the parents and what actually happened. I know Paxton can be from the back porch to the back of a 9 acre field by the time I count the hair on my head .00372526384949 seconds. I'm thinking it didn't take him long to scale a 3' fence and disappear.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tclem

@Mike1950 for you buddy. Lol

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Kevin

They were talking aboit it a lottle while ago on my radio station. A cording to the latest scuttlebutt the kid had been expressing the desire to go ober the fence several times, so if it's true the larents should've been on higher alert. I agree tho many more things more newsworthy than this. Like a million.

They also were sort of laughing anoit a realyed story. Dunno how long ago this halpened, but in a similar story in Japan where disobedience is traditionally not tolerated whatsoever, a kid jumped the fence to get to a gorilla and the parents took him oit in the country and dropped him off as a scare tactic. Little did they know it was "bear infested" as layer described by the police. They went back to pock him up aboit 5 mintes layer but as you guessed the kid was never seen again. Ouch.

Heard it on the radio have not checked for truth or accuracy.


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> They were talking aboit it a lottle while ago on my radio station. A cording to the latest scuttlebutt the kid had been expressing the desire to go ober the fence several times, so if it's true the larents should've been on higher alert. I agree tho many more things more newsworthy than this. Like a million.
> 
> They also were sort of laughing anoit a realyed story. Dunno how long ago this halpened, but in a similar story in Japan where disobedience is traditionally not tolerated whatsoever, a kid jumped the fence to get to a gorilla and the parents took him oit in the country and dropped him off as a scare tactic. Little did they know it was "bear infested" as layer described by the police. They went back to pock him up aboit 5 mintes layer but as you guessed the kid was never seen again. Ouch.
> 
> Heard it on the radio have not checked for truth or accuracy.



Well that taught him a lesson he forgot fast..........

Reactions: Agree 1


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## NYWoodturner

Kevin said:


> We had to watch it twice because Terry was laughing out loud so much I would miss the next line. That was friggin hilarious. It's even more funny for people that have seen Cowspiracy etc. and get the punch lines. She is watching his other videos now. She is over there laughing her head off. Thanks Scott you have provided some great endorphin spikes for us today.
> 
> Hey man, have you ever considered adopting an endorphin-only lifestyle?


I just watched some of his others... He's hilarious. Gluten free and dating spiritual people are pretty good too.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Tony

Mike1950 said:


> We don't agree- no big deal. I just wish that the many other horrendous things that happen got 10% as much attention.....



I think you're right Mike, there are things that deserve the attention much more than this, but I think this speaks to the base of a much bigger problem : people not taking responsibility or being held accountable for their actions. As I understand it, that kid had said several times he was going to go into the enclosure and his mother still didn't watch him. I know kids move at scary fast speed, but she was forewarned. For that to have happened and that gorilla dying for her stupidity is sad. Tony

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

Just stumbled across this. @Kevin, I didn't know you smoked a pipe! !

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kevin

Tony said:


> Just stumbled across this. @Kevin, I didn't know you smoked a pipe! !
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 105722



You know me always involved in some kind of self-destructive behavior.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 8


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## Wildthings

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 105802


My wife thought so! I didn't...that's hilarious!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Brink



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

We've all seen it before but it's still funny....

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Brink

That's not a monkey


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## Kevin

Brink said:


> That's not a monkey



Stoopid apes.


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Brink

Kevin said:


> Stoopid apes.



Humans are so smrt.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 3


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | EyeCandy! 1 | Agree 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1 | Way Cool 2


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike1950

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Three Kick Rule?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him
face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay. Now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”

Reactions: Great Post 4 | Funny 10


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## duncsuss

Mike1950 said:


> ... “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”



Now _*that's *_funny!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 11


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## rocky1

*WISDOM OF AN OLDER MAN !*


*An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.*

*''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''*

*The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''*

*''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''*

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 10


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Funny 8


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## rocky1

I kinda got that last night assembling the new bandsaw. Wife walked into the shop and told the grand-niece, to tell me Happy Father's Day. Told her I had contemplated writing that on the box and signing her name, before I brought it home.

Then she says, "I don't even want to know what this cost."

I said, "$25.95!"

She said, "I DON'T THINK SO!!"

I said, "Sure it did, but if I die, look it up before you sell it!"

She tried hard not to laugh!

I didn't!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## Tony

rocky1 said:


> I kinda got that last night assembling the new bandsaw. Wife walked into the shop and told the grand-niece, to tell me Happy Father's Day. Told her I had contemplated writing that on the box and signing her name, before I brought it home.
> 
> Then she says, "I don't even want to know what this cost."
> 
> I said, "$25.95!"
> 
> She said, "I DON'T THINK SO!!"
> 
> I said, "Sure it did, but if I die, look it up before you sell it!"
> 
> She tried hard not to laugh!
> 
> I didn't!!



Totally with you Rock! I'm sitting here with a drum sander I'm trying to sell and another one I already bought but haven't picked up yet. Let's just say my wife is a little less than pleased with me right now. Tony

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Wildthings

They'll get over it!! At least that's what I keep telling them and myself. Rocky I agree with you. I hope my wife doesn't sell my stuff for what I told her I paid for it when I die! YIKES

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Kevin

I told my wife once the grieving process is over to call 2 certain members when I die to help her sell off all my stuff here and what don't sell here sell on CL. So the day after I die those members can expect a call. 

I also told her I probably shouldn't mention that because I might not come back from SWAT except in a body bag.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 1


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> I told my wife once the grieving process is over to call 2 certain members when I die to help her sell off all my stuff here and what don't sell here sell on CL. So the day after I die those members can expect a call.
> 
> I also told her I probably shouldn't mention that because I might not come back from SWAT except in a body bag.



How long do you think the grieving process will be?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

Tony said:


> How long do you think the grieving process will be?





Kevin said:


> I told my wife once the grieving process is over to call 2 certain members when I die to help her sell off all my stuff here and what don't sell here sell on CL. So the day after I die those members can expect a call.
> 
> I also told her I probably shouldn't mention that because I might not come back from SWAT except in a body bag.


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## Tony

Oh ya.....

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

Sorry @Kevin, I was so overwrought with grief at the thought of your passing I didn't read everything. 



Ya, that's what it was......

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

Tony said:


> Sorry @Kevin, I was so overwrought with grief at the thought of your passing I didn't read everything.
> 
> 
> 
> Ya, that's what it was......



You mean you were seeing visions of curly koa dancing in your head.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## robert flynt

I don't wish any thing bad but show us your stash so we can start making our selections!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1 | +Karma 1


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## Kevin

robert flynt said:


> I don't wish any thing bad but show us your stash so we can start making our selections!



I have you in my will Robert. I've left every bit of my Takefu steel to you . . . . .

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 3 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 5


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## Mike1950

If you have ever hunted-fished or even just read the regs. you will appreciate the above....

Reactions: Agree 9


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## Tony

Good one @Mike1950 !!! Is that an actual thng? Tony


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## Mike1950

Tony said:


> Good one @Mike1950 !!! Is that an actual thng? Tony



Supposed to be- I do not know.


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## JR Parks

Mike1950 said:


> If you have ever hunted-fished or even just read the regs. you will appreciate the above....


If you have ever had to deal with USFW on endangered species you would really appreciate the above!

Reactions: Like 1


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## woodtickgreg

That is just friggin hilarious!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Johnturner

I didn't read that one at first but when I did I almost bust a gut!


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## Kevin

@El Guapo

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## El Guapo

Kevin said:


> @El Guapo
> 
> View attachment 106376


That's just good solid advice! Glad my sage-like wisdom is starting to be appreciated!

Reactions: Like 1 | +Karma 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 11


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## Tony



Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## woodtickgreg

Next time hillary is of on one of her rants, close your eyes and listen. I swear she sounds like Marge Simpson, lol.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Brink

I've been getting bad rashes on my feet.
Finally I went to get it checked out.
Doc prescribes 1/2 viagra every morning.
I ask if the viagra will clear up the rash.
Doc says it will help me to not pee on my feet.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Kevin

Brink said:


> I've been getting bad rashes on my feet.
> Finally I went to get it checked out.
> Doc prescribes 1/2 viagra every morning.
> I ask if the viagra will clear up the rash.
> Doc says it will help me to not pee on my feet.



Mama Brink not gonna like yellow towels hanging over the toilet.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

I took this picture myself the last time I was on Oahu. It's an actual radiator repair shop there.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Kevin

Marc you don't have a hair anywhere on your body if you don't fill Michele's hand was shaving cream tonight when she is asleep and tickle her nose with a feather! We triple dog dare you to record it, chicken little!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Kevin said:


> Marc you don't have a hair anywhere on your body if you don't fill Michele's hand was shaving cream tonight when she is asleep and tickle her nose with a feather! We triple dog dare you to record it, chicken little!



Not during the week....but friday is open season....
Lol

Reactions: Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13

I'll have to use whip cream....we dont use shaving cream, just soap.


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> Not during the week....but friday is open season....
> Lol



I'm not sure I ought to tag her and ask her if you referring to her and using the term "open season" in the same sentence is a good idea or not. She might think I am instigating something. But all I did was remind you of an idea you hadn't had yet but were fixing to. I'm innocent. This is all your idea.

Reactions: Great Post 1


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## ripjack13

I doubt she'd even see the tag. she never checks her email. all she does on her kindle is play games and surf FB...

@Mrs RipJack13 
let's see....

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> I doubt she'd even see the tag. she never checks her email. all she does on her kindle is play games and surf FB...
> 
> @Mrs RipJack13
> let's see....



I'm going to delete my posts.....

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## robert flynt

ripjack13 said:


> Not during the week....but friday is open season....
> Lol


Don't let trouble maker get you in the dog house!!!


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## robert flynt

ripjack13 said:


> I doubt she'd even see the tag. she never checks her email. all she does on her kindle is play games and surf FB...
> 
> @Mrs RipJack13
> let's see....


Don't let him talk you into doing something he wouldn't do!!


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## ripjack13

robert flynt said:


> Don't let him talk you into doing something he wouldn't do!!



Too late...I'm planning the shenanigans already....

Reactions: Way Cool 1


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## robert flynt

ripjack13 said:


> Too late...I'm planning the shenanigans already....


It's your funeral!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mr. Peet

Dad used to say," A man only spends so much time in the dog house before being found in the cat house".

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7


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## Kevin

Marc you need to ban @robert flynt - he's causing trouble.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


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## robert flynt

Kevin said:


> Marc you need to ban @robert flynt - he's causing trouble.


Says the pot to kittle!!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mrs ripjack13

If anyone is interested in a ton of wood, after Friday night there maybe quite a sale here if my darling husband pulls this one. And Mr. Rip don't think having the grandson here will help you at all!!!!!

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 11


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## Kevin

Mrs RipJack13 said:


> If anyone is interested in a ton of wood, after Friday night there maybe quite a sale here if my darling husband pulls this one. And Mr. Rip don't think having the grandson here will help you at all!!!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Uh oh....busted!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Useful 1


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## Mrs ripjack13

Triple dog dare Kevin?????????

Reactions: Agree 1 | Way Cool 2


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## Kevin

Mrs RipJack13 said:


> Triple dog dare Kevin?????????

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

OOOH THE HUMANITY!!!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodtickgreg

Mrs RipJack13 said:


> Triple dog dare Kevin?????????


Ha Ha, she's got your number too Kev! Lol.

Reactions: Agree 5


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## ripjack13

Ha!


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## NYWoodturner

Its Friday night Marc.... Just saying  
@ripjack13

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Kevin

Mrs RipJack13 said:


> Triple dog dare Kevin?????????



Michele I joke around a lot ... maybe you have heard rumors and some of them are true, but I can also be serious and what I'm about to say is not a joke. I didn't want to plant the seed in Marc's head about the whole shaving cream thing and all, but Scott is the other admin, and well, frankly, he told me privately that if I didn't do it he would ban me from my own forum! I didn't have any choice! And he even enlisted Robert Flynt as his heavy to make sure I complied, because Robert lives within a day's drive which makes it very real to me that I am in danger if I didn't comply. I really need a pass here a guy can only take so much intimidation before he cracks, so as you can clearly see if Marc goes through with this suicidal foolhardiness I cannot be held responsible.

You know how it is, we're both pretty small people and we get pushed around by the big brutes of the world all the time. We're in this together Michele I GOT YOUR BACK!!!!!

Reactions: Funny 6 | Creative 2


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## DKMD

Kevin said:


> Michele I joke around a lot ... maybe you have heard rumors and some of them are true, but I can also be serious and what I'm about to say is not a joke. I didn't want to plant the seed in Marc's head about the whole shaving cream thing and all, but Scott is the other admin, and well, frankly, he told me privately that if I didn't do it he would ban me from my own forum! I didn't have any choice! And he even enlisted Robert Flynt as his heavy to make sure I complied, because Robert lives within a day's drive which makes it very real to me that I am in danger if I didn't comply. I really need a pass here a guy can only take so much intimidation before he cracks, so as you can clearly see if Marc goes through with this suicidal foolhardiness I cannot be held responsible.
> 
> You know how it is, we're both pretty small people and we get pushed around by the big brutes of the world all the time. We're in this together Michele I GOT YOUR BACK!!!!!



She lives with Marc, so I'm guessing her BS sensors are pretty sensitive...

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 5


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## woodtickgreg

Kevin said:


> Michele I joke around a lot ... maybe you have heard rumors and some of them are true, but I can also be serious and what I'm about to say is not a joke. I didn't want to plant the seed in Marc's head about the whole shaving cream thing and all, but Scott is the other admin, and well, frankly, he told me privately that if I didn't do it he would ban me from my own forum! I didn't have any choice! And he even enlisted Robert Flynt as his heavy to make sure I complied, because Robert lives within a day's drive which makes it very real to me that I am in danger if I didn't comply. I really need a pass here a guy can only take so much intimidation before he cracks, so as you can clearly see if Marc goes through with this suicidal foolhardiness I cannot be held responsible.
> 
> You know how it is, we're both pretty small people and we get pushed around by the big brutes of the world all the time. We're in this together Michele I GOT YOUR BACK!!!!!


We need a bs smilie.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## NYWoodturner



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Kevin

woodtickgreg said:


> We need a bs smilie.



We have one....

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 7


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## woodtickgreg

Kevin said:


> We have one....
> 
> View attachment 106821


LMAO!


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## Mrs ripjack13

Kevin said:


> Michele I joke around a lot ... maybe you have heard rumors and some of them are true, but I can also be serious and what I'm about to say is not a joke. I didn't want to plant the seed in Marc's head about the whole shaving cream thing and all, but Scott is the other admin, and well, frankly, he told me privately that if I didn't do it he would ban me from my own forum! I didn't have any choice! And he even enlisted Robert Flynt as his heavy to make sure I complied, because Robert lives within a day's drive which makes it very real to me that I am in danger if I didn't comply. I really need a pass here a guy can only take so much intimidation before he cracks, so as you can clearly see if Marc goes through with this suicidal foolhardiness I cannot be held responsible.
> 
> You know how it is, we're both pretty small people and we get pushed around by the big brutes of the world all the time. We're in this together Michele I GOT YOUR BACK!!!!!


Your shoveling a big pile of sawdust Kevin.....

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Kevin

Mrs RipJack13 said:


> Your shoveling a big pile of sawdust Kevin.....



It is for sale . . . .

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13

Ok...she just went to bed....
+:insert maniacal laughing smilie here:+

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> Ok...she just went to bed....
> +:insert maniacal laughing smilie here:+



We will see your funeral arrangements here right so we know where to go for the estate sale?

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> Ok...she just went to bed....
> +:insert maniacal laughing smilie here:+



He hasn't logged in since last night......

Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13

After about 45 minutes of trying to "get her in position" without waking her, I gave up....
This is harder than it seems....
There's always tonight though.....


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> After about 45 minutes of trying to "get her in position" without waking her, I gave up....



That sounds so wrong on several levels...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13




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## DKMD

45 minutes of trying for a few seconds of pure happiness... Nope, that sounds even worse.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## Kevin

DKMD said:


> 45 minutes of trying for a few seconds of pure happiness... Nope, that sounds even worse.



45 minutes? You stud!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Schroedc

DKMD said:


> 45 minutes of trying for a few seconds of pure happiness... Nope, that sounds even worse.



It took him 45 minutes to get ready?????? Maybe he should see a doctor....

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13

I'm not a real Dr.....but I play one on TV.....


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## Johnturner

Not o change the subject but....

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13

I need a new set of glasses and found this one online...



 

I should get em just to embarass Michele when we go out....

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ClintW



Reactions: Funny 9


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## manbuckwal



Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodtickgreg

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 106915


OMG, I laughed out loud at that one!
If I ever get a dog again I'm going to name it stain.......how do you call your dog?

Reactions: Creative 1


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## Kevin

woodtickgreg said:


> OMG, I laughed out loud at that one!
> If I ever get a dog again I'm going to name it stain.......how do you call your dog?



Stain?


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## woodtickgreg

Kevin said:


> Stain?


Call your dog, say come and then his name

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

Name it here kitty kitty. 
_
Hey hold my beer and watch this, my dog thinks it's a cat!

"Heeeeere kitty kitty!"_

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

woodtickgreg said:


> Call your dog, say come and then his name



That's an old gag in the Navy and USCG. Whenever a new employee would start working the movie theater on base, the contest was to see how many times you could call and have Seaman Stains paged to the front befroe they finally figured out the whole theater would laugh every time they paged.

_"Seaman Stains please lay to the lobby and report to your Chief"._

Reactions: Funny 5


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## robert flynt

ripjack13 said:


> Uh oh....busted!!


Told you so!!!

Reactions: Like 1


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## robert flynt

Kevin said:


>


Busted!!!!!!!!

Reactions: Like 1


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## robert flynt

Kevin said:


> Michele I joke around a lot ... maybe you have heard rumors and some of them are true, but I can also be serious and what I'm about to say is not a joke. I didn't want to plant the seed in Marc's head about the whole shaving cream thing and all, but Scott is the other admin, and well, frankly, he told me privately that if I didn't do it he would ban me from my own forum! I didn't have any choice! And he even enlisted Robert Flynt as his heavy to make sure I complied, because Robert lives within a day's drive which makes it very real to me that I am in danger if I didn't comply. I really need a pass here a guy can only take so much intimidation before he cracks, so as you can clearly see if Marc goes through with this suicidal foolhardiness I cannot be held responsible.
> 
> You know how it is, we're both pretty small people and we get pushed around by the big brutes of the world all the time. We're in this together Michele I GOT YOUR BACK!!!!!


I call that slander and a classic case of passing the buck. Watch it Michele, Kevin is a slippery Leprechaun and is for sure, full of blarney!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1 | Sincere 1


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## Don Ratcliff

NYWoodturner said:


> View attachment 106820

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 9


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## robert flynt

Schroedc said:


> It took him 45 minutes to get ready?????? Maybe he should see a doctor....


Naw, he took some viagra and waiting for the effects to wear off.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Schroedc

robert flynt said:


> Naw, he took some viagra and waiting for the effects to wear off.



I never understand those ads, they say if it last more than 4 hours to call your doctor.... 

I'm not calling my doctor at that point unless she's really cute

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 5


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## woodtickgreg

Don Ratcliff said:


> View attachment 106946


Silent Bob the philosopher, lol.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Tony



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## DKMD



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3 | Informative 1


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## Kevin

DKMD said:


> View attachment 106972



I heard Mr. Wilson has got onto the Trans bandwagon and now identifies as Mrs. Spalding. There's even rumors he identifies as a.....

Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## ripjack13

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied, in a loud voice,
"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was
deeply embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of
minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a
laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet
you felt embarrassed, right"

The man responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man
whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 9


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## Kevin

_Doc , I can't stop singing "Green Green Grass of Home" and "What's New Pussycat"what's wrong with me?!

Sounds like you have Tom Jones Syndrome.

I've never heard of that, is it rare?

It's not unusual....._

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

They're already stuck in your head aren't they..... listening to them is supposed to get them out let me know if it works. Hasn't worked for me all morning so if I'm going to suffer you're going to suffer.  

For you younguns who didn't get the joke because you never heard of the guy listen to them so they can get stuck in your head too. I honestly dig Tom Jones. If you were going to go back in time and trade lives with someone you could do worse than to trade with him for a few years when he was in his prime; the man has had more world class pussycat than Wilt Chamberlain.

Pussycat is hokey but actually thsse first 2 songs are fantastic IMO

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 2 | Way Cool 1


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## Schroedc

Kevin said:


> They're already stuck in your head aren't they..... listening to them is supposed to get them out let me know if it works. Hasn't worked for me all morning so if I'm going to suffer you're going to suffer.
> 
> For you younguns who didn't get the joke because you never heard of the guy listen to them so they can get stuck in your head too. I honestly dig Tom Jones. If you were going to go back in time and trade lives with someone you could do worse than to trade with him for a few years when he was in his prime; the man has had more world class pussycat than Wilt Chamberlain.
> 
> Pussycat is hokey but actually thsse first 2 songs are fantastic IMO



I've heard that women still throw panties up on stage when he performs. The're just a lot larger than the ones that used to get thrown at him back in the day

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Tony

Schroedc said:


> I've heard that women still throw panties up on stage when he performs. The're just a lot larger than the ones that used to get thrown at him back in the day



The only difference is now he probably wants to throw them back. Tony

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Tony



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## Kevin

I have to share this - it's too funny to not post. We're having a discussion in the staff section where a staff member is traveling and @phinds posted this in the thread - I know he won't mind I share this:

_Well, if you are going to be around bears, remember to wear little bells on your clothes so you don't startle them, carry pepper spray, and learn the bear signs. Brown bear poop is full of squirrel fir [sic] and berries and grizzly bear poop is full of little bells and smells like pepper spray._

Reactions: Funny 10 | Informative 2


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> I have to share this - it's too funny to not post. We're having a discussion in the staff section where a staff member is traveling and @phinds posted this in the thread - I know he won't mind I share this:
> 
> _Well, if you are going to be around bears, remember to wear little bells on your clothes so you don't startle them, carry pepper spray, and learn the bear signs. Brown bear poop is full of squirrel fir and berries and grizzly bear poop is full of little bells and smells like pepper spray._



There is a sign in the clubhouse on a golf course in Mt. that has that displayed. They have quite a few bear encounters- It is funny to watch expressions of some out of state newcomers when they read it. Quite humorous.

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds

Kevin said:


> I have to share this - it's too funny to not post. We're having a discussion in the staff section where a staff member is traveling and @phinds posted this in the thread - I know he won't mind I share this:
> 
> _Well, if you are going to be around bears, remember to wear little bells on your clothes so you don't startle them, carry pepper spray, and learn the bear signs. Brown bear poop is full of *s**quirrel fir [sic] *and berries and grizzly bear poop is full of little bells and smells like pepper spray._


Damn! I think maybe I spend too much time around wood.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950

last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ' Steve’s Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Reactions: Funny 14


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## Mike Mills

Bug Spray?

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

Mike Mills said:


> Bug Spray?



That's the funniest thing I have ever seen!!!!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13



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## Schroedc

Kevin and Peter were identical twins. Kevin owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother Peter’s wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for Peter and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”


Kevin, thinking she was talking about his boat said, “Hell no! Fact is, I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.”

“I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle.”

The old woman fainted.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## Kevin

Schroedc said:


> Kevin and Peter were identical twins. Kevin owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother Peter’s wife had died suddenly in his absence.
> 
> When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for Peter and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”
> 
> 
> Kevin, thinking she was talking about his boat said, “Hell no! Fact is, I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.”
> 
> “I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle.”
> 
> The old woman fainted.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 2 | +Karma 1


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## JR Parks

SENC said:


>


I saw that - he was/is awesome.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony



Reactions: Agree 8


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 4 | Thank You! 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike1950

Thought this was appropriate here........

And God Created Texas . . .

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, humorous, but proud and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I will create Washington, DC. Wait
till you see the fools I put there."

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## woodtickgreg



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Spinartist

You can just call me Sunshine!!!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 4 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Spinartist

The latest technology to keep squirrels off your birdfeeder!!! Poor lil' guy!!!!!!

Reactions: Sincere 2


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## Kevin

That's how I felt after one particular night on Bourban Street and one too many hurricanes back in '84 . . . . .

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Don Ratcliff

Kevin said:


> That's how I felt after one particular night on Bourban Street and one too many hurricanes back in '84 . . . . .


Just stop right there sir, explain NO MORE!

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Spinartist

Kevin said:


> That's how I felt after one particular night on Bourban Street and one too many hurricanes back in '84 . . . . .




Did you have the same look on your face?? Lil' squirrel looks defeated..


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## Tony

Spinartist said:


> The latest technology to keep squirrels off your birdfeeder!!! Poor lil' guy!!!!!!
> 
> View attachment 107886


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## ripjack13

What if, Stacie's mom was Jessie's girl and her number was 867-5309....

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000.” Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.


Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me? 
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: Aaagh!! — “This is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. 


Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, — that is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. 


Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!!!! ”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, ” Here’s your $1000 back.” (giving him a $10 bill). 
Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Reactions: Funny 13


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## Don Ratcliff

What do you get when you cross @Kevin @Schroedc and @ripjack13 with a @Brink?





Ohhee Oooee oo.. Ooohhh nnooo...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13

Hmm...looks like Kevin is the tin woodsman...
I'll let Colin be the lion...
And I'll be the scarecrow....


And Brink is the flying monkey.....

Reactions: Funny 4 | Sincere 1


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## ripjack13

Oreoooo oreo.....

Reactions: Like 2


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tony

Kevin said:


>



I don't know if that's a show, a joke film or whatever, but it was hilarious! Tony


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## Spinartist

For those with teenagers!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## SENC

@ripjack13

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## Schroedc

Kevin said:


>



Somebody needs to smoke a big fat one and chill.....

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike1950

WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF HISTORY



1. MONICA LEWINSKI

2. O. J. SIMPSON

3. TED KENNEDY

4. BILL CLINTON



WHY, YOU ASK?

{You're going to love this!}



1. MONICA IS A HOOKER

2. O. J. IS A SLICER

3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND

4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Tony



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13

SENC said:


> @ripjack13
> 
> View attachment 108097



Oh hot diggity dawg! I need this!


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## ripjack13

Found one!!! $50!

https://www.etsy.com/listing/192028799/beware-of-wife-dog-cat-kid-rabbit

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## manbuckwal



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 108347


And that boys and Mrs. Ripjack is why you do not go to a bar with the monkey...

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## SENC

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, ”There’s a pub back home where you get a free pint for every 5th pint you buy.” The Scot is not impressed and says, ”That’s nothing! There's a pub in the Highlands where the landlord makes every 3rd pint free.” At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says ”That’s nothing. In Dublin there’s this pub where the landlord gives you free pints from the first to the last, and if you last until the bar shuts down you get a free room and a roll in the hay.” The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies ”I haven't me-self, yet, but my sister told me about it.”

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Don Ratcliff

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## Schroedc

Don Ratcliff said:


> A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"



Aaaand the divorce hearing becomes a homicide trial....

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 6


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## Don Ratcliff

Schroedc said:


> Aaaand the divorce hearing becomes a homicide trial....


There is no question why they are getting a divorce. He is obviously much more smarter...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

No doubt...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## Kevin

If only they looked like that. Actually when I worked at the Bonham VA 90-93 there were actually a few that did look like that bt most of the women looked like the guy in the wheelchair.  .

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

Don Ratcliff said:


> No doubt...
> 
> View attachment 108470



Why? Are you getting a sex change?

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Last Saturday afternoon, an aide to President Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington D.C. He told the Cardinal that the President would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Obama to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Obama a saint. 

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Obama's views." 

Obama's aide replied, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Obama as a saint." 

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." 

As Obama's aide promised, Obama and his entourage appeared at Sunday's worship service and sat prominently in the front row on the center aisle. 

As promised, the Cardinal pointed out Obama's presence followed by a smattering of guttural sounds from the congregation. The Cardinal went on to explain that, "While President Obama's presence is probably an honor to some, the man is not numbered among my personal favorite personages for a number of reasons. Some of his views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Barack Obama is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. He is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Barack Obama is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed, assuming he even IS a Christian. He is a narcissist and is using his speaking ability to lie to the American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his obligations, both In Washington and in Illinois . "The man is simply not to be trusted." 

A hush consumed the congregation though many heads nodded in agreement. The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with Hillary Clinton, Obama is a Saint."

Reactions: Great Post 5 | Funny 7


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## woodtickgreg

Ever see a gold plated chainsaw chain? Well zinc plated anyway. It's my new mister "T" starter kit, yo yo yo boy!

Reactions: Like 5 | Funny 5


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Don Ratcliff

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, ''You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.''
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, ''I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.''
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, ''How could sandals make you into a sex freak?''
The Pakistani man replied, ''Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?''
After much badgering from his wife, the husband finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years, her husband was full of raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, ''YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!''

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 11


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## Schroedc

woodtickgreg said:


> Ever see a gold plated chainsaw chain? Well zinc plated anyway. It's my new mister "T" starter kit, yo yo yo boy!
> 
> View attachment 108492

Reactions: Like 1


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 6


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415

Cows life's matter rally in north dakota

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Don Ratcliff

Joke of the day;

A picture of when @Kevin gave up bacon.

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 10 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13



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## Spinartist

Don Ratcliff said:


> Joke of the day;
> 
> A picture of when @Kevin gave up bacon.
> 
> View attachment 109058




 Ewwwww.... This is the last time I'll check the forums before I eat lunch!!

Reactions: Agree 5


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## Don Ratcliff

Spinartist said:


> Ewwwww.... This is the last time I'll check the forums before I eat lunch!!


When I woke up this morning he had sent me that very personal pic in a pm. Talk about wrecking a day from the start...

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 109047



That's my favorite kind of humor right there Mike. I love that.

You reminded me of a story . . . I'm going to share a sister story. One of many that I could because my sister Karen is a HOOT. She's my only sibling - 2 years and a month older than me. I grew up idolizing her when she wasn't kicking my ass, something she was really good at. She was always the most popular girl in whatever school we went to (and voted as such in her yearbook). We were Navy brats so we were each other's best friend when we weren't worst enemies, as we moved every 2 to 3 years of our lives so we never had long term friends except for each other. Had to make new ones every couple of years and start all over. This made us very close and we remain so to this day. I have some stories of psychic perceptions (I know they are real because I have experienced them more than once) we have shared with hundreds and even thousands of miles between us. Like when I broke another leg when I was in the coast guard in Alabama and she was living in Texas. That very hour that I broke my leg she called our mom and said _"Call Kevin something is wrong with him!"_ This was in the early 80's when there were no smart phones or email. That's just one example there are many others, my point is my sister and I are close, that's what you're supposed to take from that. No not _"Arkansas close" _so don't even say it Don! You can spit on my boots but pick on my sis and buddy the fight is on. 

Now back up to 1973 and we're living in Corpus Christi, Texas. Actually in Flour Bluff during this particular tour - we did two 3 years tours at NAS Corpus with a 3 year Japan tour in the middle. My sister has her driver's permit now. She's 16 and I'm 14. My sister is driving the family car and we're on base going to the commissary to get the month's groceries. Back then military men were paid only once a month so commissary day was a HUGE event for mom's that did the shopping and the kid's that would be allowed to go along and "help". _"Mom can I have some Moon Pies? Mom can I have chocolate milk this time? Mom can I have a comic book?"_ each followed by a string of "No's" and a rare _"Okay just this one time but don't ask for anything else!"_.

So my sister Karen is driving us to the commissary, my mom is riding shotgun of course because it's the law, and I'm leaning over the front seat in the middle being a pest. Seat belts were not required back then remember. As you vets and mil-brats know speed limits on bases are low everywhere. I think we were in a 35 MPH at the time which is about as high as it ever gets on a base. Unless otherwise posted the mas speed on a base is 25MPH but there is a long stretch of road on CC NAS that has a 35 and we were in it .... when we saw it. Karen quickly glanced back at me with an evil grin and I gave her the _"DO IT!!!"_ expression. We didn't need words even though this was the first time we saw one of these and this wasn't planned. We knew each other well enough to know what we had to do. I let out a muffled giggle of glee and excitement right before she JAMBED the brake pedal as hard as she could nearly throwing my mom into the spacious floorboard of our bronze colored 1968 Belair, and she was machine-gunning a string of questions before she even straightened herself back up in the seat, unconsciously checking her Dolly Parton hairdo for any damage. Her head was on a swivel trying to figure out WTF just happened and why Karen and me were uncontrollably hysterical. We were laughing too hard to talk. It was hurting. Finally mom resorted to using _"damn"_ and _"hell"_ to make us talk and that was serious business. She did NOT curse EVER. So finally Karen got the nerve to point to the sign we had come to a sudden stop in front of . . . . .





Needless to say mom threw her door open and stormed over to the driver's side and yanked Karen out of the car and told her she had just lost her driving privileges for a month. We were still laughing uncontrollably. It wouldn't be a big deal to kids now, but back then a gag like that was big cheese. We didn't have nintendos or phones to occupy us yet. We had each other and everyday things in life that we would use for entertainment. It was scary to challenge your parent's authority in such a way even knowing you were going to pay dearly. I can't say I remember how the shopping went inside the commissary but I bet she didn't get any ice cream that time and I bet didn't get a Johnny Quest or Archie & Jughead comic book.

When Big Bad Dad came home (what we called him when we knew were going to face Armageddon) and mom told him what we'd done he listened intently and as she neared the end of her tragic story, he couldn't help himself. He burst out laughing. Then me and Karen burst out laughing. Mom burst out into a tiradde and dad composed himself and said _"Karen. Son. Y'all don't don't that again." _

I think he stayed in the doghouse all night. You notice that Karen was never singlked out as the sole perpetrator? We were a team in mischief and they had figured that out long ago. We usually got in trouble together even if one was truly innocent. I wasn't. Ah the good old days when simple gags were a huge thing in a child's life. What's funny is my sister ended up marrying her match. He's the biggest prankster on the prairie and we work together sometimes like the man and the dog to prank her.

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 9 | Funny 3 | Sincere 2


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## Don Ratcliff

True

Reactions: Agree 5 | Great Post 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 7


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 1 | Sincere 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Let's get real for a minute

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Spinartist

Why are National Geographic & Playboy magazine (pre 2016) alike??








They're both full of places you & I will never get to visit.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Spinartist

Oh.. Wait.. Sorry guys for my last posting in " A joke a day" . Its not a joke is it.... Sorry

Reactions: Funny 6


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## SENC

Oh Tony...

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 9


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 4 | Great Post 5 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Kevin



Reactions: Funny 5 | Sincere 1


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## Spinartist

A lot of us are like a burl... real gnarly on the outside & beautiful on the inside!!

Reactions: EyeCandy! 4 | Agree 3


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## Brink



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## Brink



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 3


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## Schroedc

Brink said:


> View attachment 109476



I wish I had a magic planer....

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Brink

Schroedc said:


> I wish I had a magic planer....



I can sell you this one


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## Schroedc

Brink said:


> I can sell you this one



Ship it over here, I'll run a couple thousand board feet through it and if it works like the picture I'll gladly pay for it

Reactions: Like 2


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## Brink

Schroedc said:


> Ship it over here, I'll run a couple thousand board feet through it and if it works like the picture I'll gladly pay for it



Sure, no problem.
Join my forum so I can get the numbers up, I'll even pay you.
I'll pay you to leave.
I'll pay you later for your magic wood converter. 

You been playin' in the sandbox with @Kevin too much

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

Brink said:


> Sure, no problem.
> Join my forum so I can get the numbers up, I'll even pay you.
> I'll pay you to leave.
> I'll pay you later for your magic wood converter.
> 
> You been playin' in the sandbox with @Kevin too much



You don't have a forum. You have the freebie poor man's non-forum called "Cheesie-Facebook-Make-Google-Advertisers-Rich" PAGE but no you do NOT have a forum nor the costs or responsibilities that go along with a real one. You need to pay me to contribute to yours instead of enriching corporations. That's your go-away money. Participation here is free. So far.

Although I must say the monkey on that FB page puts most woodworkers here to shame. Especially me.


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## Brink

Kevin said:


> You don't have a forum. You have the freebie poor man's non-forum called "Cheesie-Facebook-Make-Google-Advertisers-Rich" PAGE but no you do NOT have a forum nor the costs or responsibilities that go along with a real one. You need to pay me to contribute to yours instead of enriching corporations. That's your go-away money. Participation here is free. So far.
> 
> Although I must say the monkey on that FB page puts most woodworkers here to shame. Especially me.



I know I don't have a forum. I'm not as dumb as I look. 
I was going back to the WWT/early WB days


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## Kevin

Brink said:


> I know I don't have a forum. I'm not as dumb as I look.
> I was going back to the WWT/early WB days



That was a forum too. I helped launch it. Now it is full of ads making the owners many thousands of dollars* a month* just from AdSense. Not counting residuals from backlinks. I don't do it here because I'm a stoopid poor Irishman Leprechaun that has no desire for the pot of gold compared to friends. So far. We all have our "go-away money price" and mine is getting close . .

Reactions: Like 1


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## woodtickgreg

WWT, I barely remember it. But I met a lot of you folks there and followed you all here. Much better here. I think Kevin said I got this pile of cash I was supposed to give to a monkey, but if you join us you can have it, the monkey will never know.

Reactions: Like 1 | +Karma 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## woodtickgreg

That bull looks like he's just sitting there saying "no problem, I'll wait, I got all day"

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 12 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415

Subject: New electric fence..for those who appreciate the country
We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire City. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an
electric Fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made For 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key,
with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big Wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the Yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I
pushed the Mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of The way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right Hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in Mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and
has a Picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front Side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the Lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. 
Every time That Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my Head. I was literally one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of bat guana lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg To differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels Emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. 
It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and You're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 Times. It seemed like there were minutes 
in between but in reality It was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding Onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I 
know all about electric Fences ... But Dad always had those piece of bat guana chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now Accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river Bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have
to just Man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a Loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam In it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest
I think 'Oh God please die ... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into The rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore Roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from
its owner's Right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, Standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not Take me that day ... He left me there covered in my own fluids to
Writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ...

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside Me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and Then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I Was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally
had a Seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 
4 - My left eye will not open. 
5 - My right eye will not close. 
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. 

I don't care what type of humor you like this is funny
I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Reactions: Great Post 4 | Funny 11


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## woodtickgreg

OMG, I'm dying here laughing! That is funny stuff right there!

Reactions: Agree 4


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## Brink

Nutella on a banana makes the banana look filthy

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415

I debated on putting this here or on the True Texas Facts .... It did make me laught ... I'm one of those " is it hot enough for you? " 


*The Best Diary Entry Ever. Who Said Living In Texas Was Easy?*
POSTED 1 YR 
19 COMMENTS


*Dear Diary: *

June 1st:
Just moved to Texas! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.


June 7th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an Air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.


June 14th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.


June 21st:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.


June 28th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ole sun in a climate like this.


July 1st:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and ****s. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ole Mr. Sun strikes again.


July 3rd:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.


July 7th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?


July 10th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.


July 13th:
If another wisea** cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!


July 14th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass... Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.


July 15th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do s*** for over a damn month and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.


July 22nd:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

Reactions: Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## Brink

woodman6415 said:


> I debated on putting this here or on the True Texas Facts .... It did make me laught ... I'm one of those " is it hot enough for you? "
> 
> 
> *The Best Diary Entry Ever. Who Said Living In Texas Was Easy?*
> POSTED 1 YR
> 19 COMMENTS
> 
> 
> *Dear Diary: *
> 
> June 1st:
> Just moved to Texas! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
> 
> 
> June 7th:
> Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an Air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.
> 
> 
> June 14th:
> Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
> 
> 
> June 21st:
> The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
> 
> 
> June 28th:
> Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ole sun in a climate like this.
> 
> 
> July 1st:
> I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and ****s. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ole Mr. Sun strikes again.
> 
> 
> July 3rd:
> The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
> 
> 
> July 7th:
> Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?
> 
> 
> July 10th:
> It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
> 
> 
> July 13th:
> If another wisea** cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
> 
> 
> July 14th:
> Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass... Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
> 
> 
> July 15th:
> The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do s*** for over a damn month and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
> 
> 
> July 22nd:
> Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.



And my son moved to Dallas last winter. Hahahahaha!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tony

Brink said:


> And my son moved to Dallas last winter. Hahahahaha!



Brink, my son was in Denton until a couple of months ago and will be back soon. It's about 45 minutes from Dallas. A little different up there, it's still pretty warm, but they get snow 4-5 times a year, not like down South here. Tony

Reactions: Like 2


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## Kevin

Tony said:


> ... but they get snow 4-5 times a year, not like down South here. Tony



Sometimes we get it but some years we don't get any at all. We've been getting it most years now for the past 10 or so but not all. And I can't remember a year when we got it 4 times. Maybe we did but it would have been highly unusual. It does get cold as hell though I hate it. Seriously thinking about finding out where that guy in the dairy lived and moving there.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> Sometimes we get it but some years we don't get any at all. We've been getting it most years now for the past 10 or so but not all. And I can't remember a year when we got it 4 times. Maybe we did but it would have been highly unusual. It does get cold as hell though I hate it. Seriously thinking about finding out where that guy in the dairy lived and moving there.



It seemed like every time I talked to Tony it was snowing. Maybe he just didn't want to go to class......

Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1

Kids are that way... When I was going to college back there about 10 - 11 years ago, I'd drive 65 miles to school in snow storms the children wouldn't walk across the street from the dorm in. Of course, I was paying my own tuition; mommy and daddy were paying for theirs.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## JohnF

*Our Dog - Amazing*

By J. Matt Barber 
7-24-16


IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG: I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.

YES, HE BIT 6 PEOPLE WEARING OBAMA T-SHIRTS...

4 PEOPLE WEARING HILLARY T-SHIRTS...

2 CAR DRIVERS WITH BERNIE SANDERS BUMPER STICKERS...

9 TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR ASS CRACKS...

2 FLAG BURNERS...

AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.








SO, FOR THE LAST TIME...

THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !

AND NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING BUT HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE 'BAD TASTE' OUT OF HIS MOUTH

Reactions: Great Post 4 | Funny 7


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## David Van Asperen

Saw this on Facebook I really need how to move things from one place to another anyway it it is

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


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## Mike Mills

Kevin said:


> Sometimes we get it but some years we don't get any at all. We've been getting it most years now for the past 10 or so but not all. And I can't remember a year when we got it 4 times. Maybe we did but it would have been highly unusual. It does get cold as hell though I hate it. Seriously thinking about finding out where that guy in the dairy lived and moving there.



That sound dang familiar and can sympathise. You are talking about your sex life aren't you? Not sure about those dairy cows though.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

Actual event in my life...
I am at hand therapy and the therapist askes me if I have any good jokes. I tell him I'll think about it. He asks my wife if she knows any. Mind you this is their first time meeting. With a straight face she looks at him and says, "how much is my husband paying you for this handjob?"

It's now awkward

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## David Van Asperen

I had whiplash and the chiropractor asked me after doing some work on my neck if there was anything else he could do for me, I said not for me but asked if he he could do something for my wife's leg cramps. My wife was not happy

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Spinartist

One of our woodturning club members had a doctor appt. & was told to bring a stool sample. When the doc finally came in the exam room Roger pulled out a miniature wooden 3 legged stool he made & handed it to the doc. He said the MD laughed so loud the nurses came to the room to see what the commotion was about..

Reactions: Funny 15


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodtickgreg



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 1


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## Mike Mills



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## Kevin

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 110209



That reminds me I wonder if a transvestite with both parts all functioning could have sex with itself and become pregnant? And if it did so without really wanting to, could it be charged for raping itself? The custody battle would be the stuff of courtroom legend . . . . . 

These are just some of things I think about in my free time.

Reactions: Funny 4 | Informative 1


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## ripjack13

You mean hermaphrodite.....
Transvestite is a cross dresser...think rocky horror picture show....

Reactions: Useful 1


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## ripjack13

But who cares...that is funny...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> You mean hermaphrodite.....
> Transvestite is a cross dresser...think rocky horror picture show....



Yeah one of those. I always wanted to meet one but it was always either/or.

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13

When I used to be an usher for the local movie house, we had the midnite madness showings. Pretty much just the rocky horror every saturday and some grind house flix....
Needless to say, I met quite a few transtesticles....

Reactions: Way Cool 1


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## rocky1

TMI!!!!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Kevin

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 110251



Yeah right, because some whites now identify as colored and vice versa.

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## Mike Mills



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## JohnF



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## lonewolf

I never thought I'd see the day that this was necessary. ( local arbys )

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Kevin

lonewolf said:


> I never thought I'd see the day that this was necessary. ( local arbys )View attachment 110557



What's funny is all my adult life if the men's was busy and both are one-holers and the women's door is open and obviously unoccupied and I gotta go bad enough I'll go in the women's and lock the door so I don't embarrass one coming in hearing a pee stream hittung the water louder than what she would expect from a squatter. I still do it to this day. My wife and I will go into the women's to pee together if the men's is locked - we do this routinely in busy places where the door can be locked and no one is in the wiminz. We've had a few funny looks but never a scene. 

I don't understand the hoopla over that if it's a one holer it shouldn't matter as long as no one is being forced to use it with a stranger of the opposite sex - I understand someone not wanting to do that. My wife I get along fine peeing together. They say a couple that pees together . . . . .

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2 | Informative 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Kevin said:


> What's funny is all my adult life if the men's was busy and both are one-holers and the women's door is open and obviously unoccupied and I gotta go bad enough I'll go in the women's and lock the door so I don't embarrass one coming in hearing a pee stream hittung the water louder than what she would expect from a squatter. I still do it to this day. My wife and I will go into the women's to pee together if the men's is locked - we do this routinely in busy places where the door can be locked and no one is in the wiminz. We've had a few funny looks but never a scene.
> 
> I don't understand the hoopla over that if it's a one holer it shouldn't matter as long as no one is being forced to use it with a stranger of the opposite sex - I understand someone not wanting to do that. My wife I get along fine peeing together. They say a couple that pees together . . . . .


Once again I must thank you for the lovely and detailed visual expressed in your post. I am going to start tracking your comments because it appears that 1 in 10 have to do with your Johnson... That is to many sir, far to many...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kevin

Don Ratcliff said:


> Once again I must thank you for the lovely and detailed visual expressed in your post. I am going to start tracking your comments because it appears that 1 in 10 have to do with your Johnson... That is to many sir, far to many...



Are you insinuating I see phallic symbols in nature and everyday things? Are you saying I have PFS? 



 



 



 



 

Phallic Fixation Syndrome? Me? I'd have to make pepper mills the shape of a phallus without even thinking about it. 



 

I'd have to be a ding dong . . . .

Reactions: Funny 2 | Informative 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Where is the bottle stop @Tony made? It should totally be on the list you sick sumuma so and so.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## Spinartist

.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 7


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4 | Useful 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Kevin

Mike aren't these supposed to be in the joke thread? You want me to move them?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6 | Useful 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6 | Great Post 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 111113


The rabbit is should be on the other side of the horse.

Reactions: Agree 8


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 111113



I am more than okay eating rabbit, pretty good stuff. As for dogs and cats, I've eaten at enough hole-in-the-wall taco joints that I probably have. Tony

Reactions: Agree 4


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## Tclem

I've always wondered about those folks up around Kentucky. Maybe this is what's wrong with Johnathan

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Don Ratcliff

Tclem said:


> I've always wondered about those folks up around Kentucky. Maybe this is what's wrong with Johnathan
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 111116


Durn kids in Kentucky sneak'n roun' doing their math with other kids. Wat'da H.E. double tooth picks is wrong wit'em. Back in my day we didn't do math like these whippersnappers do now!

Reactions: Like 2


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## kweinert

Tony said:


> I am more than okay eating rabbit, pretty good stuff. As for dogs and cats, I've eaten at enough hole-in-the-wall taco joints that I probably have. Tony



In Thailand they were referred to as 'roof rabbits'. The cats, that is.

Reactions: Like 1 | Informative 1


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## Schroedc

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 111113



I'd draw the line to the left of the rabbit. Horse was a meat animal for a lot of people in a lot of places....



Tclem said:


> I've always wondered about those folks up around Kentucky. Maybe this is what's wrong with Johnathan
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 111116




I've heard that new math is way worse than the old math.


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## woodman6415

Schroedc said:


> I'd draw the line to the left of the rabbit. Horse was a meat animal for a lot of people in a lot of places....
> 
> I've heard that new math is way worse than the old math.



Up until a few years ago there were horse slaughter houses in the US ... Several in Texas ..... All horse meat was shipped out of country ... Now they just truck them to Mexico ...


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## Don Ratcliff

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years. 

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

Before he went, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" 

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up, he said... "I'm here to feed the alligator!"

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

@Schroedc @ripjack13 @Kevin

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 7 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

I halve a spell checker too. It came with my pea sea. It planely marcs it out four my revue. Weather I am wrong oar write, it shows me strait away as soon as a mist ache is made. So I just click it and it makes the spelling era rite. I think it's prefect in every weigh.

Reactions: Funny 2 | Creative 2


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> I halve a spell checker too. It came with my pea sea. It planely marcs it out four my revue. Weather I am wrong oar write, it shows me strait away as soon as a mist ache is made. So I just click it and it makes the spelling era rite. I think it's prefect in every weigh.



Don't worry Marc, I think that's only for Mississsipppiannz, there dumb over they're. Tony

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Kevin

My line needs a little editing - I like to eat bunny wabbits . . . .

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1


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## kweinert

PETA - I thought that stood for People Eating Tasty Animals

Am I wrong?

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Kevin

kweinert said:


> PETA - I thought that stood for People Eating Tasty Animals
> 
> Am I wrong?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415

All biker lives matter

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Kevin

woodman6415 said:


> All biker lives matter
> 
> View attachment 111241



If you cross them, they will deface your home with eye liner.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415

Or worse ... Sneak in a put a smudge of lipstick on all your collars ...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> Or worse ... Sneak in a put a smudge of lipstick on all your collars ...



Man, I'd rather they just shoot me. Tony

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Kevin

Tony said:


> Man, I'd rather they just shoot me. Tony



The Sons of Mary Kay are anti-gun. If you want them to kill you they will tickle you to death.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Mills

woodman6415 said:


> All biker lives matter
> 
> View attachment 111241



Must be a member of the Charlotte City Council.

Here is a member from the Durham Council.


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## SENC

__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1078119408951887

Reactions: Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

I belly-laughed out loud watching that Henry. I had seen that first moron with the medicine ball but not seen any of the others. Man we really need to clean up the gene pool. I hope none of them are my kin.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Kevin

Mike Mills said:


> Must be a member of the Charlotte City Council.
> 
> Here is a member from the Durham Council.
> View attachment 111316



I knew there had to be a back story to her statements. The reason she called police dangerous is because they opened fire into a residence and shot a suicidal man whose mother had called police for help. They fired into the residence like an old western posse shooting into a cabin of bandits. They hit him 5 times and he died, and in their frenzy they riddled the house and another house haphazardly - they're lucky no other innocents died. I don't agree with her opinions but I realize why she says the things she does - she's trying to foment change in Durham. I think she intentionally makes these sensationalistic statements to get as much attention as possible.

I wouldn't want her on my city council but at least now I do understand what she's doing and why, and frankly I can't say I blame her because that's not the first time the Durham PD has been involved in questionable shootings and corruption at the highest levels.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3 | Useful 1


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## Mike Mills



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## Mike1950



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## Kevin



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## TimR

I love this kinda stuff...

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## Mike1950



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## Mike1950



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## Mike1950

It is when you wake up from surgery and the first thing you say is DAMN, I should have drawn a picture.....

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Don Ratcliff

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

Having breakfast at 808 grindz and our waitress gave us these zingers.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## rocky1

What do you call a cow with no ears?

Anything you want, she can't hear you no how!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## robert flynt

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 111501


Best hair curler I've ever seen!!

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## ripjack13




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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13




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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


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## SENC

Booooooooooooooooooo

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13

SENC said:


> Booooooooooooooooooo



You mean...Mooooooo

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950

dog days of summer when ya dream of the good life...........

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950

HELP REQUESTED:
> A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

> If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Betty. She will be the one in the white dress.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 8


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## JohnF

And what did you think this picture was?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Mills

Why you don't discuss religion on WB.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Spinartist

At our woodturning guild holiday party we do a raffle gift exchange. Bring a wrapped gift, get one. A few years back I wrapped up some home made 2 grit sandpaper & a new member who just joined our guild the month before, drew my gift. The look on his face when he opened it was priceless!!
He returned it to me a few months later & I have "regifted" it a few more times. I always take a real woodturning gift to give them after the fun too!! Any one want to do a gift exchange!??

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6 | +Karma 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Spinartist

Joe's friendly neighbor Jill, a lesbian, saw him in the hallway & asked what her and her lady could get him for his birthday. "Nothing" Joe replied, "I just wanna watch". 
Joe recieved a Timex for his birthday

Reactions: Funny 5


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## robert flynt

ripjack13 said:


>


Who's driving???

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## JR Parks

*Boudreaux from Thibodeaux*

*The Louisiana State Police had received numerous reports of illegal Male chicken fighting being held in the area around Abbeville*

*and had sent their famous Detective Boudreaux from Thibodeaux to investigate. *

*Boudreaux promptly began his investigation and then reported to his Commander the next morning. 

"Dey is tree main groups involve in dis rooster Fightin", he began.

"Good work! Who are they?" the Commander asked. 

Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Texas Aggies, de local Cajuns, and de Demcratic Natnal Char from N'awlins".

Puzzled, the Commander asked, "Now Boudreaux, how did you find all that out in one night?" 

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person. *

*And I knowed immediately dat dem Aggies was involved when a Duck was entered in the fight." 

The Commander nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?" 

Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when sumbody bet on de duck!" 

"Ah, I see, I see ... " sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the DNC was involved?" 

"De duck won!" *

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

This had me cracking up

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike1950

I would vote for this!!!!!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2


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## Tony

Mike1950 said:


> I would vote for this!!!!!
> 
> View attachment 112034



You don't need this Mike. If their lips are moving, you know they're lying. Tony

Reactions: Agree 4


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## Don Ratcliff

@Kenbo

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> @Kenbo
> 
> View attachment 112078



Need a Big Belly Laugh Emogee!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Don Ratcliff

@rocky1

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

@Brink

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## rocky1

That bat guana ain't even funny Don, had to go get my DOT Physical the other day, stepped on the scale. and I was like... "DAMN!!! Sitting at home babysitting the 5 year old and the mother-in-law has not been helping my figure a bit!!"

Still passed the physical with flying colors. Blood Pressure was still slightly elevated, for 6 years now, although it was lower than it has been the last two times. Pretty sure it's being in the doctors office that does it, it's never that high here at home.

Asked me when the last time I had an eye exam was, I was like ~ "Uhmmmmmmm... Never!"

Ever had surgery of any nature ~ "NOPE!"

Ever had any broken bones ~ "Few fractures; no broken bones." 

Told her, "Before you ask; I don't have a regular physician, and this is only the third time I have been in a Doctor's Office in the last 19 years. All three times for DOT Physicals."

She said, "OH!! You're saying you've been lucky huh?" 

I said, "No ma'am, I'm just that damn ornery!"

She got a good chuckle out of it, signed off on me, and gave me my medical card.

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> That bat guana ain't even funny Don, had to go get my DOT Physical the other day, stepped on the scale. and I was like... "DAMN!!! Sitting at home babysitting the 5 year old and the mother-in-law has not been helping my figure a bit!!"
> 
> Still passed the physical with flying colors. Blood Pressure was still slightly elevated, for 6 years now, although it was lower than it has been the last two times. Pretty sure it's being in the doctors office that does it, it's never that high here at home.
> 
> Asked me when the last time I had an eye exam was, I was like ~ "Uhmmmmmmm... Never!"
> 
> Ever had surgery of any nature ~ "NOPE!"
> 
> Ever had any broken bones ~ "Few fractures; no broken bones."
> 
> Told her, "Before you ask; I don't have a regular physician, and this is only the third time I have been in a Doctor's Office in the last 19 years. All three times for DOT Physicals."
> 
> She said, "OH!! You're saying you've been lucky huh?"
> 
> I said, "No ma'am, I'm just that damn ornery!"
> 
> She got a good chuckle out of it, signed off on me, and gave me my medical card.


You are going against popular belief and like me preparing for global cooling...


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## rocky1

Yeah... Pretty much.

Mother-on-law fractured her pelvis in 2 places, and I was tasked with looking after her and the little one, since the wife just started a new job the week before it happened.

Been a whole lot of sitting around doing nothing for the last 4 - 5 weeks. Have no doubt packed a few pounds on!! And, I was already stacked for global cooling! I be headed into mini ice age status.


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> Yeah... Pretty much.
> 
> Mother-on-law fractured her pelvis in 2 places, and I was tasked with looking after her and the little one, since the wife just started a new job the week before it happened.
> 
> Been a whole lot of sitting around doing nothing for the last 4 - 5 weeks. Have no doubt packed a few pounds on!! And, I was already stacked for global cooling! I be headed into mini ice age status.


Me and you will be the last 2 guys that can make stuff from stuff when it hits.

Winter is coming...


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## rocky1

No from what I've heard I think @Tclem might be there with us.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> No from what I've heard I think @Tclem might be there with us.

Reactions: Like 2


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## rocky1

Is that a hair-stick turning merit badge on his lapel? It couldn't be could it??

Reactions: Funny 3


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## MKTacop

Don Ratcliff said:


> View attachment 112089



Where did you get my photo???

Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1

Uh oh... gonna be 4 of us Don!

Better grab another bag of cookies!!


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## Tclem

rocky1 said:


> No from what I've heard I think @Tclem might be there with us.


I do t even know what I make


----------



## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6 | Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 9


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## SENC

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 112239


I've always been interested in pre-historic times, please run!

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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## wombat

Wondering what to get the wife???

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13

For @Wildthings and @Ray D

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Wildthings

Name of Church? and Woman? Burnet is some great hunting area and she may have land!

Reactions: Funny 6


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1


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## Mike Mills

I had some of those magical things once but after a few hard knocks to the head they disappeared forever.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2 | Useful 1


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## JohnF

Florida woman stops alligator with a 25 cal. Beretta pistol
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jet fire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words: 
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky 
water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jet fire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took.... 
The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. 
His insurance was the big bonus. I’m comfortable now.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 9


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 13


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## Wildthings

Even the misspelling is frickin' hilarious

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Mike Mills

Funny but you are missing an ... i, crooked letter, crooked letter....
Dang, someone beat me to it...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## SENC

Mike Mills said:


> Funny but you are missing an ... i, crooked letter, crooked letter....
> Dang, someone beat me to it...


I spelled it like Missippians pronounce it - just trying to give @Tclem some hope of understanding the joke.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Tclem

SENC said:


> View attachment 112622


That's because we have had horrible ceo's running missippi hospitals. Lolololololololololol

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## Kevin

Spinartist said:


> View attachment 112736 View attachment 112737



That one went to a customer in Washington State. It weighed 142 pounds and all I did was wrap it with stretch wrap and tape a label to it. I mailed it out the Tuesday before SWAT so he never saw it before he left Thursday to come to SWAT- so he walks up to me at my table Friday and says -

_"Hey Kevin I'm Lowell the guy in Washington you just sent the tree trunk to .... my wife just called me and said *'A tree trunk! Really?!'*" I DIDN'T WARN HER IT WAS COMING!!!"_

Then we both just busted out laughing. He was a hoot.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5


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## Kevin

@Spinartist my wife just pulled back into her Okeechobee temp housing about 15 minutes ago getting back from Bonifay/Chipley area. She's on the very north side of the lake not too far from you maybe a couple hours? But they have a full schedule always. She's been having a blast not sure she's coming back lol.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## Kevin

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 112741



I think that's Fidoe . . . . .

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## Spinartist

Kevin said:


> @Spinartist my wife just pulled back into her Okeechobee temp housing about 15 minutes ago getting back from Bonifay/Chipley area. She's on the very north side of the lake not too far from you maybe a couple hours? But they have a full schedule always. She's been having a blast not sure she's coming back lol.




Come on now.... how could she not come back to you???

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kevin

Spinartist said:


> Come on now.... how could she not come back to you???



Yeah she's been used to seeing this on the beaches . . . . . 



 

But she gotta come home to this . . . . 


 

I wonder what she'll pick.

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Spinartist

Kevin said:


> Yeah she's been used to seeing this on the beaches . . . . .
> 
> View attachment 112747
> 
> But she gotta come home to this . . . .
> View attachment 112748
> 
> I wonder what she'll pick.




Hey, where'd you get that photo of me on the ocean!!???

Reactions: Funny 2


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## JohnF

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 7


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## JohnF

The frequency of
sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.

Statistics just
released from Canada and The United Nations reveal that:

North American men
between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average,

have sex two to
three times per week, (and a small number a lot more),

whereas Japanese
men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only

once or twice per
year if they are lucky.

This has come as
very upsetting news to both me and most of my buddies,

as none of us had
any idea we were Japanese.

Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13

Hahahahahahaaaaa....oh wait....
@Mrs RipJack13

Reactions: Funny 1


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## JohnF

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the bat guana inside!"

Reactions: Funny 8


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## JohnF

88 year old jessie bursts into the rec room and holds up her clenched hand saying any man that can guess whats in my hand can have sex with me tonight old Fred calls out an elephant
Jessie thinks for a minute and says close enough

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Kevin

You're on a roll John!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Tclem

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 112742


Hahahahah

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Funny 5


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## SENC

Forgive me, both because this is political and because it is definitely out of bounds - but it made me laugh out loud.

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 6


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## Brink



Reactions: Funny 12


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## Tony

SENC said:


> Forgive me, both because this is political and because it is definitely out of bounds - but it made me laugh out loud.
> 
> View attachment 112906



I see that and raise.....

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## SENC

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 112922


That is only volume 1!

Reactions: Agree 5


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## Don Ratcliff

SENC said:


> That is only volume 1!


1 of infinity

Reactions: Agree 1 | Informative 1


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## JohnF



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 7


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## JohnF

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a
day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very
loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her
two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?"

So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## Mike1950

GOOD advise

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 8 | Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 1


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## JohnF

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field. The Englishman says “Look at that fine English cow.” The Irishman disagreed, saying “No, it’s an Irish cow.” The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. “No, it’s a Scottish cow – it’s got bagpipes underneath.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 2 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mrs ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

Mrs RipJack13 said:


> View attachment 113117



Is that a loggerhead turtle crawling out of that tree?!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## SENC

Another one that may be a little too off color but that is damned funny.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## robert flynt

Kevin said:


> Is that a loggerhead turtle crawling out of that tree?!


Nah, that's a snake head turtle.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Spinartist

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....
You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports and play on the Internet all night...
You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she's going to have a monster hangover.....
You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night....
You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece.....
You circle the car looking for dents and find none....

But ..... Wait a minute...

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## Tony

Mrs RipJack13 said:


> View attachment 113117



Someone needs to put some Viagra in the water so we can get some straight, usable lumber! Tony

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 6 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Mills

Mrs RipJack13 said:


> View attachment 113117



Don't let Lorena Bobbitt know where the tree is located.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

Just got my t-rex costume in!! I love it!!

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> Just got my t-rex costume in!! I love it!!



Maybe I missed something, but why do you have a T-rex costume Marc? Tony

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

so i can play with the grandkid!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Kenbo

ripjack13 said:


> Just got my t-rex costume in!! I love it!!


THIS






IS







EPIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Spinartist

ripjack13 said:


> Just got my t-rex costume in!! I love it!!




Oh. I though it was another bathroom surprise! Hee Hee!!

Reactions: Like 1


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## rocky1

I saw that big pink butt, I thought you somehow got video of my sister-in-law runnin around the yard nekkid!

I'm thinking you gotta wear that downtown about closing time some night! See what kind of stories you can generate on the local news!!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

I plan on using this quite often.....

Reactions: Like 1 | Way Cool 1


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## rocky1

Spinartist said:


> Oh. I though it was another bathroom surprise! Hee Hee!!




No that bathroom surprise thing is gonna come when he's gotta go bad, realizes the zipper is stuck and he can't get no leverage to unstuck it with that little short arm configuration, and @Mrs RipJack13 is laughing so damn hard she can't help him out of it!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## Mike1950

rocky1 said:


> I saw that big pink butt, I thought you somehow got video of my sister-in-law runnin around the yard nekkid!
> 
> I'm thinking you gotta wear that downtown about closing time some night! See what kind of stories you can generate on the local news!!




They finally caught My SIL- thank goodness.....

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 2


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 11


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Great Post 3 | Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 3 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 1 | +Karma 1


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## Kevin



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Kevin



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Kevin



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## JohnF

*A beautiful, curvy, woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in Minot,
North Dakota. The taxi driver, good old Ole, an Old Norwegian man,
opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

She said to him: "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

Ole said "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you, dat vould
not be proper vair I come from".

She said:- "Well, if you're not staring at my boob's sweetie, what are you doing then?"

Ole looked at her and said: "Vell, I am lookin and I'm lookin, and I am 
tinking to meselfs, vair in da heck is dis lady keeping da money to pay for dis ride?*

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Fsyxxx



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## Kevin

Fsyxxx said:


> View attachment 113471



I disagree. She lies by omission too so just because her pie hole is shut don't mean nothing with that thug.

Reactions: Agree 5


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> I disagree. She lies by omission too so just because her pie hole is shut don't mean nothing with that thug.



Solid point

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Kevin

Tony said:


> Solid point



Man don't start with that again.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Fsyxxx

Tony said:


> Solid point


That's a stiff argument, might be hard to lay down.....

Reactions: Great Post 1


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## Tony

Fsyxxx said:


> That's a stiff argument, might be hard to lay down.....



I don't know how we got on this tangent, this is a woodworking forum and in the AM I visit to talk about morning wood.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## JohnF

Paddy and Mick are sitting in the bar having a few drinks when paddy says to Mick I'm getting circumcised tomorrow and you know I'm 37 years old so Mick says wow you waited a long time I got circumcised when I was a week old Did it hurt asks paddy I cant remember says Mick but I couldn't walk for a year after it


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## Spinartist

Now, I know that curly Koa is nice, but damn.. control yourself!!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mrs ripjack13

ripjack13 said:


> I plan on using this quite often.....





I'm renting him out $50 for a half hour......

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Informative 1


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## SpinnerRowe



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Mrs RipJack13 said:


> I'm renting him out $50 for a half hour......


----------



## SpinnerRowe



Reactions: Funny 4


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## SpinnerRowe



Reactions: Funny 1


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## SpinnerRowe



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## SpinnerRowe

yeah, he's a democrat

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## JohnF



Reactions: Agree 2


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## JohnF



Reactions: Funny 8


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## SpinnerRowe

And they will be voting in Detroit

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mike1950

I used to think I was just a regular guy, but… I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist. I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today’s standards, makes me a fascist. I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobe. I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business. I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel. I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a member of the vast gun lobby. I am 65, which makes me a useless old man. I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary. I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe. I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist. I believe in personal responsibility, hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist. I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.
Please help me come to terms with the new me… because I‘m just not sure who I am anymore! I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking! I just can’t imagine or understand what’s happened to me so quickly!

Funny…it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years! As if all this wasn’t enough to deal with…I’m now afraid to go into either restroom!

Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 1 | Great Post 6 | Funny 2


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## rocky1

Not to mention that according to Hillary, all of that makes you Deplorable! Along with the rest of us in the basket!!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Tony

Mike1950 said:


> I used to think I was just a regular guy, but… I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist. I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today’s standards, makes me a fascist. I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobe. I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business. I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel. I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a member of the vast gun lobby. I am 65, which makes me a useless old man. I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary. I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe. I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist. I believe in personal responsibility, hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist. I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.
> Please help me come to terms with the new me… because I‘m just not sure who I am anymore! I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking! I just can’t imagine or understand what’s happened to me so quickly!
> 
> Funny…it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years! As if all this wasn’t enough to deal with…I’m now afraid to go into either restroom!



Wow Mike, except for a HUGE age gap, we could be the same person! Tony

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Kevin

Mike1950 said:


> I used to think I was just a regular guy, but… I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist. I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today’s standards, makes me a fascist. I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobe. I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business. I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel. I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a member of the vast gun lobby. I am 65, which makes me a useless old man. I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary. I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe. I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist. I believe in personal responsibility, hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist. I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.
> Please help me come to terms with the new me… because I‘m just not sure who I am anymore! I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking! I just can’t imagine or understand what’s happened to me so quickly!
> 
> Funny…it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years! As if all this wasn’t enough to deal with…I’m now afraid to go into either restroom!



Geez I'm not sure you'll fit in here. I don't think any of our other members have anything in common with you. If you don't espouse any of your extremist, bigoted, intolerant views maybe no one will complain.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## kweinert



Reactions: Funny 2


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## JohnF

Truthfully, all this bat guana about the Clinton crime family isn't a joke, even its posted here. Rather its a symptom of a very sick society. WTF has happened these last few decades anyway?

Reactions: Agree 1


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## SpinnerRowe



Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodtickgreg

JohnF said:


> Truthfully, all this bat guana about the Clinton crime family isn't a joke, even its posted here. Rather its a symptom of a very sick society. WTF has happened these last few decades anyway?


It's really very simple, the government has gotten to big again and corrupt on top of it, and the people are no longer in control.

Reactions: Agree 6


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## SpinnerRowe

Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill today. SMH

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4


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## Kevin

JohnF said:


> Truthfully, all this bat guana about the Clinton crime family isn't a joke, even its posted here. Rather its a symptom of a very sick society. WTF has happened these last few decades anyway?



Many have tried to expose the Clintons throughout their criminal career, and so many have ended up dead under less than clear circumstances and this number has come to be known as the Clinton Body Count. This suspicious body count has not stopped . . . . .

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## SpinnerRowe



Reactions: Funny 6


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## SpinnerRowe

Gonna have to up it to 6

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Johnturner

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only Democrat in this organization. I hope that doesn't disqualify me.

PS Hilary is not my first choice either.

Reactions: Sincere 1


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## Kevin

Johnturner said:


> Sometimes I feel like I'm the only Democrat in this organization. I hope that doesn't disqualify me.
> 
> PS Hilary is not my first choice either.



What is a democrat? What is a republican? They're just labels to me and I ain't either one.

Reactions: Agree 4


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## Schroedc

Kevin said:


> What is a democrat? What is a republican? They're just labels to me and I ain't either one.



Those are just labels to keep straight who's bribing who.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## SpinnerRowe

Kevin said:


> What is a democrat? What is a republican? They're just labels to me and I ain't either one.



I like to think I'm intelligent, but there is no party for that!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## Fsyxxx

At the record store. Perfect.

Reactions: Like 6 | Way Cool 2


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## SENC

Johnturner said:


> Sometimes I feel like I'm the only Democrat in this organization. I hope that doesn't disqualify me.
> 
> PS Hilary is not my first choice either.


You can be whatever you want - we'll buy, sell, trade, and hoard wood with anyone, even midgets, munkeys, and missippians.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Fsyxxx

SENC said:


> You can be whatever you want - we'll buy, sell, trade, and hoard wood with anyone, even midgets, munkeys, and missippians.


we have a midget wrestling show happening right now!!!

Reactions: Way Cool 1


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## rocky1

*Self Propelled Portable Saw Mill For Sale



 *

Reactions: Funny 10


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## JohnF

And check out the hand powered one. Also comes with a nifty dog carrier.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 6 | Great Post 2 | Funny 1


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## Kenbo



Reactions: Funny 7


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Like 2


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1 | Great Post 5 | Funny 3


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## Kevin

A closer view . . . .

Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodtickgreg

This ones funny.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## SENC

Kevin said:


> View attachment 113780
> 
> A closer view . . . .
> 
> View attachment 113793


Reminds me of a little guy on my hall freshman year in college. We would get him all liquored up, strap a football helmet on him, and get him fired up about running down the hall as fast as he could to head-ram the door to the stairwell. He was the only guy light enough to avoid serious injury doing it, and we got more laughs out of than I can count - right up until the RA figured it out and made us pay for a new door.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## DKMD

SENC said:


> Reminds me of a little guy on my hall freshman year in college. We would get him all liquored up, strap a football helmet on him, and get him fired up about running down the hall as fast as he could to head-ram the door to the stairwell. He was the only guy light enough to avoid serious injury doing it, and we got more laughs out of than I can count - right up until the RA figured it out and made us pay for a new door.



I read your post fully expecting to find out the guy became an orthopedic surgeon...

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13

SENC said:


> Reminds me of a little guy on my hall freshman year in college. We would get him all liquored up, strap a football helmet on him, and get him fired up about running down the hall as fast as he could to head-ram the door to the stairwell. He was the only guy light enough to avoid serious injury doing it, and we got more laughs out of than I can count - right up until the RA figured it out and made us pay for a new door.



Hmmm.....I never would have thought of our dear Henry as an instigator...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Sincere 1


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## Spinartist

SENC said:


> Reminds me of a little guy on my hall freshman year in college. We would get him all liquored up, strap a football helmet on him, and get him fired up about running down the hall as fast as he could to head-ram the door to the stairwell. He was the only guy light enough to avoid serious injury doing it, and we got more laughs out of than I can count - right up until the RA figured it out and made us pay for a new door.




Maybe that's why Leprechauns are so short??

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## SENC

DKMD said:


> I read your post fully expecting to find out the guy became an orthopedic surgeon...


Even worse, an attorney.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

SENC said:


> Even worse, an attorney.



A bull headed one?

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950

Kevin said:


> View attachment 113780
> 
> A closer view . . . .
> 
> View attachment 113793





woodtickgreg said:


> This ones funny.





SENC said:


> Reminds me of a little guy on my hall freshman year in college. We would get him all liquored up, strap a football helmet on him, and get him fired up about running down the hall as fast as he could to head-ram the door to the stairwell. He was the only guy light enough to avoid serious injury doing it, and we got more laughs out of than I can count - right up until the RA figured it out and made us pay for a new door.





DKMD said:


> I read your post fully expecting to find out the guy became an orthopedic surgeon...



WOW this brings back a memory- when ya get older- your brain is like a gong- sometimes something strikes it and brings back a memory....
We were working at Eastern- a mental hospital. We were tearing old walls out and putting heavy duty frames -plaster and SUPER duty doors. Seems there were 2 guys living there that would get a run at it and head butt the door. Do this a couple times and the door-frame and all would come out of framing. Now this was a very stout metal door and you could see the dents they had made taking turns head butting door. Gave me a head ache just looking at it. Now we not only were plastering the walls- 1" thick structo base- a gypsum plaster designed to keep prison inmates from digging through it- it is very tough stuff. We were also filling the door frames with it to make it one with the framed wall. To do this you thinned it down and poured it in the top. I had a good friend 6'5" 250- big guy but a gentle giant. He is walking down the hall with wheelbarrow full of mud. There was this little- 100 lb resident- she was always happy as can be but obviously she spent most of her time in a way far away world. She walked down the aisle and as they passed she leaped into the air landing in wheelbarrow in the sitting position laughing in a very high pitched voice. The mud flew in all directions but the look on Tim's face was  priceless, He was standing there just speechless as she was splashing it all over. The staff took her off to the shower and we spent the rest of the day cleaning walls ceiling- everything. We got a great laugh out of it though. Worked in prisons and all kinds of institutions but nothing like this...

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 3 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

My wife complains that I never finish anythi

Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13

Dear Algebra,

Please stop asking us to find your X. She's gone.

We don't know Y...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13

There's four engineers riding in a car - it stalls. Mechanical engineer suggests a timing problem. Electrical engineer says bad spark. Chemical engineer offers poor fuel mixture. The computer engineer has no idea but "If we get out the car and get back in it may start".

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13

Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Patient: "Is it common?"
Doctor: "Well, it's not unusual."

Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13

My wife asked, "Does this dress make me look fat?" 
"Why do you ask?", I said. "Does this shirt make me look stupid?"

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> There's four engineers riding in a car - it stalls. Mechanical engineer suggests a timing problem. Electrical engineer says bad spark. Chemical engineer offers poor fuel mixture. The computer engineer has no idea but "If we get out the car and get back in it may start".



And the regular guy looked down and realized they were just out of gas.

Reactions: Like 2


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## Johnturner

Ripjacj13 we need a rimshot emoticon!

Reactions: Agree 5


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Schroedc

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 113837



I renamed my toilet Jim so I can tell people I go to the Jim every morning.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## SpinnerRowe



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## SpinnerRowe



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## SpinnerRowe



Reactions: Funny 7


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## SENC

It seems Tony is trying out a new job...

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Mills

SENC said:


> It seems Tony is trying out a new job...
> View attachment 113863


At least they tried to conjugate the verb...
Instead of I "am", You "are", He, She, It "is" ........all I hear now is I "be", You "be", He, She, It "be".
I be going to the store. You be mopping the floor. He (she, it) be slamming the door.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kevin

Mike Mills said:


> At least they tried to conjugate the verb...
> Instead of I "am", You "are", He, She, It "is" ........all I hear now is I "be", You "be", He, She, It "be".
> I be going to the store. You be mopping the floor. He (she, it) be slamming the door.



I was chatting up a man in some line one time just killing time, and we got to talking about our fathers and I mentioned mine was retired from two 20 year careers. The man replied:

_What he do?_

Translation:

_What career fields is he retired from? _

I had to try hard not to laugh.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## ripjack13

@Mike1950 and @rocky1 and the rest of us geezers....

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13

and one for @Don Ratcliff

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3 | Informative 1


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## Kenbo

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 113881



Oh my god, I almost wet myself laughing at that one. Hilarious

Reactions: Like 1


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## SpinnerRowe

ripjack13 said:


> A bull headed one?




I was going to guess a crash test dummy

Reactions: Like 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 8 | Funny 1


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## Kevin

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 113956



I would handle it like this:

_You're in luck. I am the leader of this planet. Take me to your planet for a year so I may become accustomed with your ways and then we can better negotiate a treaty of peace and understanding. But before we go there is a small matter I could use some help with. I have been ousted from power by an illegal coup of a criminal faction this planet calls "politicians". I will need you to use those ray guns on them for me please. Them and their enablers called lawyers. Thank you for assisting me in saving my planet. _

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3 | Great Post 4 | Funny 1


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## Brink

@Mike1950 ...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike1950

Brink said:


> @Mike1950 ...
> 
> View attachment 113983


*WHATTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!*

Reactions: +Karma 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Kevin said:


> I would handle it like this:
> 
> _You're in luck. I am the leader of this planet. Take me to your planet for a year so I may become accustomed with your ways and then we can better negotiate a treaty of peace and understanding. But before we go there is a small matter I could use some help with. I have been ousted from power by an illegal coup of a criminal faction this planet calls "politicians". I will need you to use those ray guns on them for me please. Them and their enablers called lawyers. Thank you for assisting me in saving my planet. _



You have given this a lot of thought I see...

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Kevin

Tool rest. Some  flat workers believe this means that the bandsaw switch is in the OFF position.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> Tool rest. Some  flat workers believe this means that the bandsaw switch is in the OFF position.



That there's funny even to Flatworkers! Tony

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Don Ratcliff

I'm glad I'm not from texas... the monkey however enjoys his day for sure...

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Don Ratcliff

I know that some of you have had questions about this and I won't tell you who it is but it rhymes with pipsmack and pike1950bc...

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 4


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## Don Ratcliff

My lovely and thoughtful wife just sent this to me...

Reactions: Like 1 | EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 6


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## Don Ratcliff

Turwhatdafukn!

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Kevin

Ah yes the very rare poultrypus...

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Don Ratcliff

Kevin said:


> Ah yes the very rare poultrypus...


I would have gone with Turcracken but Maya is sending me this stuff so whatcha gonna do?

In hawaiian it's a Moa Taco.. really, look it up.


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## rocky1

Oc-tur-pus!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kevin

Bird legs.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13

Don Ratcliff said:


> I know that some of you have had questions about this and I won't tell you who it is but it rhymes with pipsmack and pike1950bc...
> 
> View attachment 114029



Pipsmack....

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Don Ratcliff said:


> Turwhatdafukn!
> 
> View attachment 114031



I have one in my yard...


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## Mike1950

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Reactions: Funny 12


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## ripjack13

Jameson loves sharks. We are making some loaves of home made bread, from @Sprung 's recipe. He wanted to make a hammerhead shark from it...

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> Jameson loves sharks. We are making some loaves of home made bread, from @Sprung 's recipe. He wanted to make a hammerhead shark from it...
> 
> View attachment 114060


It's looks like a Peppermill...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

@Spinartist ......


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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> @Spinartist ......


@Tony

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13




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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> @Tony

Reactions: Like 1


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## DKMD

Should get bigger when it rises...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

DKMD said:


> Should get bigger when it rises...


I forgot what this was about and not having context was jaw dropping. However when I went back to find out you are talking about a small boy and his "shark" I'm not sure what to think...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Spinartist

ripjack13 said:


> Jameson loves sharks. We are making some loaves of home made bread, from @Sprung 's recipe. He wanted to make a hammerhead shark from it...
> 
> View attachment 114060





Don Ratcliff said:


> It's looks like a Peppermill...





ripjack13 said:


> @Spinartist ......





Don Ratcliff said:


> @Tony




Sorry Guys but I have to be gluten free. Celiac. .... And it's "Peckermill & Salt Peter"

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Spinartist

Don Ratcliff said:


> Turwhatdafukn!
> 
> View attachment 114031




Now that's just wrong!!!


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## Spinartist

Spinartist said:


> Sorry Guys but I have to be gluten free. Celiac. .... And it's "Peckermill & Salt Peter"
> 
> View attachment 114080
> 
> View attachment 114081




I discovered I have Celiac's, a lifetime genetic disorder, about 9 years ago. This means no gluten - wheat, rye, barley. It was difficult figuring out what I could eat & not have symptoms.


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## Don Ratcliff

Spinartist said:


> Sorry Guys but I have to be gluten free. Celiac. .... And it's "Peckermill & Salt Peter"
> 
> View attachment 114080
> 
> View attachment 114081

Reactions: Like 1


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## rocky1

For some reason I suspect this vehicle may have Mississippi license plates!

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 5


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 9


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 4


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## rocky1



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## JohnF



Reactions: Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike1950

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?" Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket".

Reactions: Funny 12


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## JR Parks

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 114185


I need that on a t-shirt !!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## JohnF

Mother Teressa was bitching to St Peter about Lady Di having a bigger halo then hers. Peter says--That aint a halo..thats a steering wheel


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## JohnF

confucious say man with hands on tool in the shower
not neccessarily a plumber

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Mills

JR Parks said:


> I need that on a t-shirt !!


Not the same but you can order here...
https://www.etsy.com/listing/233613084/hug-a-logger-and-youll-never-go-back-to?ref=market


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## Kevin

JohnF said:


> Mother Teressa was bitching to St Peter about Lady Di having a bigger halo then hers. Peter says--That aint a halo..thats a steering wheel



Mother Teresa was far from a saint. In fact she did more harm than good. Lady Di though not perfect, was a better human being and did much much more good for others by orders of magnitude.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Spinartist

See post #2828 below


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## Spinartist

#2830


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## Spinartist

#2831


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## Don Ratcliff

Spinartist said:


>


Go to sleep Lee your drunk. Or at least posting very badly... your "img" is not showing up as anything...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Spinartist

Don Ratcliff said:


> Go to sleep Lee your drunk. Or at least posting very badly... your "img" is not showing up as anything...




They were there a minute ago!


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## Don Ratcliff

Spinartist said:


> They were there a minute ago!


Close one eye, that might help...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 2


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## Spinartist

Don Ratcliff said:


> Go to sleep Lee your drunk. Or at least posting very badly... your "img" is not showing up as anything...




Okay... Lets try it again!!

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 5 | Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

This is a good shirt

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## Kenbo



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 2 | Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is my ceiling and roof?

Anything you say will be held against you. .....................   "Tits!"

Reactions: Like 4 | Great Post 3 | Funny 4 | Creative 1


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## woodtickgreg

Kevin said:


> Anything you say will be held against you. .....................   "Tits!"


If I ever get arrested should I try that? It does sound appealing.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13

Spinartist said:


> They were there a minute ago!



I tried to see if I could help by editing but.... You got nothin there...


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## Spinartist

ripjack13 said:


> I tried to see if I could help by editing but.... You got nothin there...




I reposted them.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 4 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## SENC

Today is National Boyfriend Day. 

But remember Ladies, if your boyfriend doesn't know how to shoot a gun, you have a girlfriend. Merica.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Kevin

So on National Girlfriend Day, it could be said if you have a girlfriend that doesn't know how to cook, clean, or so sew you actually have a boyfriend?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike1950

sorry could not resist

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## Mike Mills



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## Spinartist



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## David Van Asperen

A couple were awaken at 3am by a pounding on their door, it was raining cats and dogs. As the man threw on a robe and headed for the door he was already a bit upset for being woken so early. When he opened the door there stood a drunk sopping wet,he said " I need a push could you help me"
The man was really ticked off and said " no,it is raining at 3am and you are drunk ,go sleep it off"
When he returned to bed his wife asked " who was that " Just a drunk who needed a push" ,he replied.
"Did you help him ," the man said "no,he is drunk and it is raining"
" well you sure have a short memory, do you not remember when we needed help about two weeks ago and those two men stopped and helped us. You should be ashamed of yourself"
"You are right" he replied ,got dressed and headed outside in the dark and rain.
" Are you still here?" he called " yes " came the reply.
"Do you still need a push?" "Yes , please"
"Ok, man it is so dark,. Where are you?"
"Over here---- in the swing"

Reactions: Funny 12


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## Kevin

David Van Asperen said:


> A couple were awaken at 3am by a pounding on their door, it was raining cats and dogs. As the man threw on a robe and headed for the door he was already a bit upset for being woken so early. When he opened the door there stood a drunk sopping wet,he said " I need a push could you help me"
> The man was really ticked off and said " no,it is raining at 3am and you are drunk ,go sleep it off"
> When he returned to bed his wife asked " who was that " Just a drunk who needed a push" ,he replied.
> "Did you help him ," the man said "no,he is drunk and it is raining"
> " well you sure have a short memory, do you not remember when we needed help about two weeks ago and those two men stopped and helped us. You should be ashamed of yourself"
> "You are right" he replied ,got dressed and headed outside in the dark and rain.
> " Are you still here?" he called " yes " came the reply.
> "Do you still need a push?" "Yes , please"
> "Ok, man it is so dark,. Where are you?"
> "Over here---- in the swing"





I love that kind of humor.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## Mike Mills




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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Kevin

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 114617



Someone gotta 'splain this one to me - I don't get it Big Dan.


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> Someone gotta 'splain this one to me - I don't get it Big Dan.



I'm glad I wasn't the only one that didn't get it.

Reactions: Like 1


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## rocky1

Y'all don't know many Italians I take it?


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 9


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## rocky1

Found a picture of @Kenbo 's dog on the Internet!

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Kenbo

rocky1 said:


> Found a picture of @Kenbo 's dog on the Internet!
> 
> View attachment 114673




Silly American. THAT'S my cat........THIS is my dog.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 13


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 5


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## Spinartist

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers: "God bless mommy, daddy and granny. Goodbye grandpa." The father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the grandfather died. 

A month later the father heard his son saying prayers again:
"God bless mommy. God bless daddy. Goodbye granny." The next day the grandmother died. The father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.

One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God bless mommy. Goodbye daddy." This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on our doorstep!!"

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 1


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## Tony

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 114750



From my youth I can add pizza crust to that list! Tony

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 3 | Funny 3


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## Kevin

Spinartist said:


> One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers: "God bless mommy, daddy and granny. Goodbye grandpa." The father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the grandfather died.
> 
> A month later the father heard his son saying prayers again:
> "God bless mommy. God bless daddy. Goodbye granny." The next day the grandmother died. The father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.
> 
> One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God bless mommy. Goodbye daddy." This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
> Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
> "You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on our doorstep!!"


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## Don Ratcliff

True.





She actually said the 4th one down is a squiggly nail...

Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 3 | Funny 6


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## Mike Mills

I've added an item to my "to do" bucket list.

Make some vanilla pudding...... 
Put it in a mayo jar.... 
Eat it in public.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 3


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## Kevin

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 114838



My wife does that. I told her until they can add scratch, sniff, and taste to the photo I don't see the point. Everyone has seen a plate of food before. It's not like the next day at the office you'll hear . . . 

_Hey Suzie! Did you see that plate of Beef Wellington Kevin Posted on his FB account last night? GAWWWWWWWWWWWD I nearly creamed myself!!!_

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## JohnF

Don’t you just hate it?

.......you get all dressed up; you're looking hot; _smokin' hot!_ As you strut your stuff down the street, you can almost feel all the eyes upon you.

*Then,*you happen to catch a quick glimpse of yourself in a mirror, and you suddenly REALIZE ...you forgot the lipstick...
The whole look you were after is gone, right then and there!

.
.
.
.
.








*DAM !!*


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## Tony

JohnF said:


> Don’t you just hate it?
> 
> .......you get all dressed up; you're looking hot; _smokin' hot!_ As you strut your stuff down the street, you can almost feel all the eyes upon you.
> 
> *Then,*you happen to catch a quick glimpse of yourself in a mirror, and you suddenly REALIZE ...you forgot the lipstick...
> The whole look you were after is gone, right then and there!
> 
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *DAM !!*



No pic John.


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## JohnF

maybe that helped. Now it shows 2 pictures on my screen


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## Tony

It's there now. Was better without it!!!!!!!

Reactions: Agree 6


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## Kevin

Tony said:


> It's there now. Was better without it!!!!!!!



I think John is trying to get banned. That's just mean posting that. Mean.

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Agree 4


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## Johnturner

how can i unsee that!!!!




JohnF said:


> Don’t you just hate it?
> 
> .......you get all dressed up; you're looking hot; _smokin' hot!_ As you strut your stuff down the street, you can almost feel all the eyes upon you.
> 
> *Then,*you happen to catch a quick glimpse of yourself in a mirror, and you suddenly REALIZE ...you forgot the lipstick...
> The whole look you were after is gone, right then and there!
> 
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> View attachment 114840
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *DAM !!*

Reactions: Agree 3


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## woodtickgreg

JohnF said:


> Don’t you just hate it?
> 
> .......you get all dressed up; you're looking hot; _smokin' hot!_ As you strut your stuff down the street, you can almost feel all the eyes upon you.
> 
> *Then,*you happen to catch a quick glimpse of yourself in a mirror, and you suddenly REALIZE ...you forgot the lipstick...
> The whole look you were after is gone, right then and there!
> 
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> View attachment 114840
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *DAM !!*


OW MY EYES!!!!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## woodtickgreg

Mike Mills said:


> I've added an item to my "to do" bucket list.
> 
> Make some vanilla pudding......
> Put it in a mayo jar....
> Eat it in public.


Make chocolate pudding, put it in a diaper and eat that in public!

Reactions: Funny 7 | Sincere 1


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## Johnturner

woodtickgreg said:


> Make chocolate pudding, put it in a diaper and eat that in public!



Carrying a baby!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Kevin

woodtickgreg said:


> Make chocolate pudding, put it in a diaper and eat that in public!



 and yet

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Spinartist

woodtickgreg said:


> Make chocolate pudding, put it in a diaper and eat that in public!




Oh my... First the Presidential race & now this!!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Don Ratcliff

Spinartist said:


> Oh my... First the Presidential race & now this!!


Just reading what you wrote, those 2 things are interchangeable. Both are full of "chocolate pudding"

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Schroedc

Johnturner said:


> how can i unsee that!!!!



Dig a fork into your brain.....

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Spinartist

I'm supposed to go to my friends 85th surprise birthday party this weekend. These are the directions I just got from his wife. I know they live in a condo & the party is at someone else's house in another city which I've no idea where. WTF!!! 

Hi Lee:
Just to help you find the house on Saturday it is the 9th house from the corner and you can park across the sweet on the swale/grass

See you soon

Lynne

Reactions: Funny 7


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Kevin

Spinartist said:


> I'm supposed to go to my friends 85th surprise birthday party this weekend. These are the directions I just got from his wife. I know they live in a condo & the party is at someone else's house in another city which I've no idea where. WFT!!!
> 
> Hi Lee:
> Just to help you find the house on Saturday it is the 9th house from the corner and you can park across the sweet on the swale/grass
> 
> See you soon
> 
> Lynne



I can relate. I get emails like this one all the time .....

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

Kevin said:


> I can relate. I get emails like this one all the time .....
> 
> View attachment 114920



So, how much did you give him for that log that's been cracking for a year??

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Kevin

Tony said:


> So, how much did you give him for that log that's been cracking for a year??



And what species? Where does he live? How much does he want? Can he deliver it? How about a picture? 

I don't even reply to those emails.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Spinartist

Saw this a someone's house. I just shook my head.

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 1


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## Schroedc

Spinartist said:


> Saw this a someone's house.
> 
> View attachment 115017



What is wrong with the classic brown paper bag for your bottle?


----------



## rocky1

Schroedc said:


> What is wrong with the classic brown paper bag for your bottle?




The shock effect simply isn't there when you take the lid off your plain brown bag and tip it up, like it is when you tip up your sunscreen bottle in front of friends and in-laws.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodtickgreg

Schroedc said:


> What is wrong with the classic brown paper bag for your bottle?


It's still alive and well in Detroit!!!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Kevin

Spinartist said:


> Saw this a someone's house.
> 
> View attachment 115017



I can just see sitting in an Opera house through Tosca, tipping away with all the hoighty toighty high falutin' hypocrites staring at you . . . .

Reactions: Funny 4


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## JohnF



Reactions: Funny 5


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## rocky1



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Mills




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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 4


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## Kevin

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 115122



You meant that toward me didn't you!!!??? I knew it!!! You're picking on me because of my belief in Catfish Ghosts!!! Where do you get off singling me out like that?!!!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## JohnF



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 4 | Great Post 1


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## Tony

@Kevin, I thought maybe you could translate this for us! Tony

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Tony

Anybody need a table saw/coffee table combo??

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Schroedc

Tony said:


> Anybody need a table saw/coffee table combo??
> 
> View attachment 115164



Reminds me of a "Workbench" I saw one time, somebody had drilled holes and bolted a drill press and a vise to a Stickley Library table.


----------



## rocky1

I don't know of but maybe one or two guys in Texas short enough to use that table saw.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Tony

rocky1 said:


> I don't know of but maybe one or two guys in Texas short enough to use that table saw.


----------



## JohnF

From way back. I wonder how many here remember how good ol Clanton was at cattle trading?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Spinartist

Ever wonder why most men are attracted to Cindy Crawford?

She has a burl growing next to her mouth!!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## JohnF

*Some wonderful Places to go;*

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## Kevin

Spinartist said:


> Ever wonder why most men are attracted to Cindy Crawford?
> 
> 
> 
> She has a burl growing next to her mouth!!!!



I've heard of the name Cindy Crawford but couldn't have picked her out in a lineup to save my life. For some reason I thought she was a blonde.


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 5


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 3


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## rocky1



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## MKTacop



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 3 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 4 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 115369


I have no clue what they are doing but I'm going to think there is a better way to do it. The kid holding the tail must be from TX and has got to be happy he is vertically challenged...

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> I have no clue what they are doing but I'm going to think there is a better way to do it. The kid holding the tail must be from TX and has got to be happy he is vertically challenged...



That is how you artificially inseminate animals Don. Tony


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> That is how you artificially inseminate animals Don. Tony


Wow, you mainlanders are odd.

There are birds and there are bees, maybe this will help since it's explained by a child...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> Wow, you mainlanders are odd.
> 
> There are birds and there are bees, maybe this will help since it's explained by a child...



Dam city boy/islander!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 2


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## Spinartist

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 115369

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2 | Way Cool 1


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## DKMD



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 115372



No we haven't, the fork is obviously missing

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Creative 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Creative 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5 | Informative 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 8


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## ripjack13



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## Mike Mills

and more signs....

Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3 | Informative 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Useful 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3 | Informative 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 4


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 7


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Kevin

We need a special "Classless Jokes Only" forum for some people where those guys can do their robo-posting in their own little world where we don't have to see it . . .

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Mills

Kevin said:


> We need a special "Classless Jokes Only" forum for some people where those guys can do their robo-posting in their own little world where we don't have to see it . . .

Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 4


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## Kevin

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 115423



Hey I joke about religion and politics - two areas of human existence which some people actually believe are deadly serious matters, so I'm the pot calling the kettle black!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 115415


 I remember wrapping a fuse with foil because I didn't have a spare.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Brink

Three old friends were having coffee and they got to talking about the old days.
First old timer says when he was younger, by 8:00 am, everyday, he had a big solid BM. Now he can sit there straining all morning and nothing happens.

Second guy commiserated, says when he was younger, he'd get up everyday at 7:30 am and pee like a racehorse. Now he just stands there and gets a little dribble going.

Third fella says every morning at 7:30 he pees like a racehorse, followed by a massive BM by 8:00.
Problem is, he doesn't get up until 9:00

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 9


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## ripjack13

My scientific side says "I'll believe it when I see it". 
My spiritual side says "I'll see it when I believe it". 
My drunken side says "What are we looking at?"

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3 | +Karma 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Brink



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Kevin

Brink said:


>



You tell funny jokes. Because you have a bad memory.


----------



## Brink

Kevin said:


> You tell funny jokes. Because you have a bad memory.





 

Next up, post a Mungo Jerry song


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4 | +Karma 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 8


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## robert flynt

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 115380


I don't really think we needed to know that!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 6


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 4 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 5


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## Spinartist

*THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...*
Have you ever wondered if the five dollar bills in your purse or wallet were ever in a strippers butt crack? If not, you're wondering now. Have a great day!! Always remember to wash your hands after handling money!!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Spinartist

Uh... wait... sorry, again, not a joke.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## JohnF



Reactions: Funny 3


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## JohnF



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## Kevin

JohnF said:


> View attachment 116051



Actually what's going to happen is that you're all going to be thrown into a Mexican prison never to be seen again, because in Mexico they actually enforce their illegal alien laws to the extreme.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Kevin



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 7 | +Karma 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13

A kid knocked on the door on Halloween and said "Trick or Treat?"
I said "What have you come as?"
He said "A werewolf."
I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes"
He said "Well it ain't a full moon yet is it, dickhead?"

I gave him all of my candy

Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13

https://imgur.com/height%3D402%3Bid%3DStuvV98%3Btype%3Dgifv%3Bwidth%3D720

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> https://imgur.com/height%3D402%3Bid%3DStuvV98%3Btype%3Dgifv%3Bwidth%3D720



EPIC!!!!!!! Tony

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 6


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 9


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## kweinert

On Halloween we were over at one of the kid's houses and all the kids/grandkids were there. Grandkids in costume, of course. Angelo was wearing a Headless Horseman costume which was sort of bulky and, given that it was pretty warm, had started to sweat and was eager to get outside and get started. Sandi (my wife) noticed him sweating and said "Let's get going guys, Angelo is sweating bullets."

After hearing that Ayden (who is 6) piped up with "I am sweating water."

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Mills

Yes, you can buy your own "cloth or something" from BleachBit.
http://www.bleachbit.org/cloth-or-something
Pretty funny text.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Mills

I'm glad "serious" crime rate is down.,

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Kevin



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2 | Sincere 1


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## JohnF

*An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?*

*She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' 

The two sat sipping in silence.*

*A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"*

*He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'*

Reactions: Funny 13


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 8 | Great Post 2 | Funny 2 | Sincere 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 4


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## Don Ratcliff

Just heard this;

If Trump replaces Obama in the white house the headlines would read "Orange is the new Black"

(Oh lord I apologize, please forgive me and bless all those little people down in Texas...)

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Kevin

Don Ratcliff said:


> Just heard this;
> 
> If Trump replaces Obama in the white house the headlines would read "Orange is the new Black"
> 
> (Oh lord I apologize, please forgive me and bless all those little people down in Texas...)



I don't get it. Why is Trump and "orange" tied together?


----------



## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> Just heard this;
> 
> If Trump replaces Obama in the white house the headlines would read "Orange is the new Black"
> 
> (Oh lord I apologize, please forgive me and bless all those little people down in Texas...)



From one of the little people in Texas, that there is funny crap!!!!!!! Tony

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Hahahahahaaahahahahaaa


----------



## Tony

Kevin said:


> I don't get it. Why is Trump and "orange" tied together?



He is continually orange from spray tan.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Informative 1


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## Kevin

Tony said:


> He is continually orange from spray tan.



For real?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Kevin said:


> For real?


It's not your tv that makes him look that way.....

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Kevin

I never even noticed but just googled "trump orange" and zillion articles about him using tanner juice. Funny thing I just never noticed and never heard anyone comment on it before. 

He ain't gonna win anyway so Lady Death is the new Black.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Brink



Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## Kevin

His name is Travis Austin Strauss, he's a descendant from Texas' distinguished _"Old 300"_ - one of 297 original settler-families who received land grants as part of Stephen F. Austin’s first colonial contract in Mexican Texas. He is a sophisticated redneck and former world rodeo champ who found himself in New York City recently and he was looking to get a short-term loan, so he walked into one of the larger and more reputable banks in the concrete jungle and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Argentina for two weeks to help open a new branch of the IRA (International Rodeo Association) and needed to borrow $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The loan officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to his new Bugatti Vision Gran Turismo. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. Mr. Strauss produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank president and all the employees enjoyed a good laugh at the expense of the dumb redneck from Texas for using a $3,000,000 car as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Bugatti into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it where it would be safe and out of the elements for the following 2 weeks.

Two weeks later, the dumb redneck from Texas returned, repaid the $5,000 loan plus the $23.07 interest. Many of the employees of the bank were gathered in the general area acting busy because they couldn't help but be shocked at how such an idiot could be so financially successful in life, and they wanted to hear the conversation. The loan officer couldn't help himself and asked:
_
“Mr. Strauss, we are very happy to have had your business but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a distinguished alumni from the University of Texas, with a Ph.D in economics from Southern Methodist University, a highly sophisticated billionaire investor with real estate and financial holdings all over the world. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000 from us at 12% interest for 2 weeks?”_

The dumb redneck from Texas wryly smiled and replied:

_“Do ya really think I'm gonna park a car worth 3 million bucks at an airport where vandalism and theft are routine and hafta pay 75 bucks a day for 2 weeks of risk and worry, when I can park it for under 2 bucks a day in your private, insured, secure, underground garage?”_

Just because we talk funny doesn't mean we're stupid.

Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 2 | Funny 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 2


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 3


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Brink

I call dibs on @Kenbo's spare bedroom.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415

Sorry my Canadian friends .. just couldn't help but laugh

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415

Facebook is on fire this morning ...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## woodman6415

This from a local realtor :

We have plenty of for sale signs and we can list your house this morning if you are leaving the country

Reactions: Way Cool 1


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## Kevin

Brink said:


> I call dibs on @Kenbo's spare bedroom.



Here ya go Monkey Man

I can block Kenbo's IP and we will finally be rid of your poo-flinging antics without having to dip into site funds for Go-Away money. Don't let the US Border Door hit you in the ass and chop your little nub off where your tail used to be, on your way out.

Reactions: Funny 1 | Informative 1


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## Kevin

What do the Japanese call election day? _"Erection Day"_. 

I'm so solly fo making bad roke.....

Reactions: Funny 4 | +Karma 1


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## Palaswood

Brink said:


> View attachment 116635


That's no basis for a system of government!

Reactions: Agree 1


----------



## Palaswood

Hillary and the Pope

View attachment 116698

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Kevin

Palaswood said:


> Hillary and the Pope
> 
> View attachment 116698
> 
> View attachment 116699


----------



## lonewolf

On a serious note . has anyone else wondered how the Clinton's are going to make good on the pay for play contributions. There are a lot of donors that won't get what they expected from their payments. She may actually volunteer to go to jail for protection .

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## Kevin

lonewolf said:


> On a serious note . has anyone else wondered how the Clinton's are going to make good on the pay for play contributions. There are a lot of donors that won't get what they expected from their payments. She may actually volunteer to go to jail for protection .



Anyone who trusts, supports, and funds a pathological liar and criminal like Hillary deserves what they get. I don't feel sorry for anyone who supports criminals.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4


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## Kevin

BTW I have no idea what you mean by Pay to Play regarding her and her supporters I will have to look that up.


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 3


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## rocky1

Nothing can be funnier than life itself... All the little liberals that can't stand the thought of not being awarded with a prize because they didn't win the election last night, you know the one's that were all in tears at Hillary's Campaign Headquarters looking like their favorite puppy had just been run over, believe that the world is coming to an end when Trump takes office, and they really are looking to moving to Canada! 

http://www.cnn.com/2016/11/09/politics/canada-immigration-website-down-trump-trnd/

Yep... Canadian Immigration website crashed this morning, overloaded with requests from the US. Was down for several hours!!

Personally, I'm trying to figure out why they didn't just hike their asses on up there since they believe we should open our borders to illegal aliens? Could they possibly be afraid of facing reality, when confronted with being in a foreign country illegally?? 

--------------------------------------------------------------

Then there were the Snowflake Students this morning who were so upset by thoughts of what was going to happen to their families with Trump having been elected, that they were too distraught to take their mid-term exams today! And, the yo-yo Economics professor let them get away with it!! The Biology Professor didn't though!! 

https://heatst.com/culture-wars/yal...flake-students-distraught-at-election-result/

HELLO! Welcome to adulthood, suck it up, life goes on, get out of bed, put your shoes on, and go get your edumacation already! 

Uhmmm.... Yes unfortunately, this is all for real. No satire in these reports.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 3


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 3 | Great Post 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4


----------



## barry richardson



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Palaswood

Kevin said:


> BTW I have no idea what you mean by Pay to Play regarding her and her supporters I will have to look that up.


Haha I agree with him. The Clintons are 100 millionaires and their reported income is coming from "speaking engagements"? Nobody's presence at a convention is worth that amount of money unless there are some additional favors, undisclosed to the public, that would be need to be fulfilled once in office. 

Big Healthcare, Big Environment, Big Globalism all expect reciprocation and now crooked Hillary is not in any position to provide that. Somebody is gonna pay. Bill looks like he is on his way out in the not too distant future. Guy has always had some issues with his health. The piper will have to be paid. Just sayin.

Reactions: Informative 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 8


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 5


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 3


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## DKMD

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 117035



Rocky, you win the 'shortest memory' award... look back about 6 or 7 posts...

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Fsyxxx

DKMD said:


> Rocky, you win the 'shortest memory' award... look back about 6 or 7 posts...


He does but that ones so good it can be posted again!

Reactions: Like 1


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## rocky1

Normally I move them out of the download folder into the joke folder when I post them so I don't do that... Apparently I didn't do that!! 

It was a long day in the shop Doc!

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## Mike Mills

A burglar broke into a home one night and started looking around. Suddenly he heard "I'm Jesus, beware of Moses".
Shining his flashlight around he saw a parrot in the corner. They looked at each other and the parrot said again "I'm Jesus, beware of Moses".
The burglar ask "What kind of people would name their parrot Jesus?"
The parrot replied "The same type that would name their rottweiler Moses."

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 3


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## rocky1




----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 4


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## Mike1950

Sorry

Reactions: Funny 5


----------



## Mike Mills

Lunch time....

Reactions: Like 1 | EyeCandy! 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## Tony

I don't care how you voted this is funny!!

Reactions: Funny 8


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## rocky1

Now that is KARMA right there!!!


----------



## Mike Mills

Beverages.....

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3 | +Karma 1


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## woodman6415

Just reminded me of how much Kevin and I agreed on cold weather..

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 117157


That's not uncommon here. the east side of the island near Hana there are lots of wild cows you can hunt. we have wild chickens everywhere too.


----------



## Schroedc

Don Ratcliff said:


> That's not uncommon here. the east side of the island near Hana there are lots of wild cows you can hunt. we have wild chickens everywhere too.




Mmmmmm. Chicken. I'm hungry now...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Schroedc said:


> Mmmmmm. Chicken. I'm hungry now...


Stopped at McDonalds to get some drinks and this guy is in the parking lot.

Reactions: Like 1 | EyeCandy! 1


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## Schroedc

Don Ratcliff said:


> Stopped at McDonalds to get some drinks and this guy is in the parking lot.
> 
> View attachment 117220



Escapee from KFC?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

I'm not kidding, there are wild chickens all over the place. capt. cook days they would release them on islands so when they came back they could restock the supplies. we have wild chickens, cows, goats and pigs here. at some point Chinese axis deer were released here so they are all over too.


----------



## Schroedc

Don Ratcliff said:


> I'm not kidding, there are wild chickens all over the place. capt. cook days they would release them on islands so when they came back they could restock the supplies. we have wild chickens, cows, goats and pigs here. at some point Chinese axis deer were released here so they are all over too.



Sounds like all you need is a big stick and a fork!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## woodtickgreg

Kevin and us Yankees always had such funny banter about the weather, we can't take the heat, southern boys can't take the cold.

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Schroedc said:


> Sounds like all you need is a big stick and a fork!


OR just invite a hungry southern Canadian to town

Reactions: Like 1


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## SENC

I think Kev might have liked this one...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## rocky1

Don Ratcliff said:


> That's not uncommon here. the east side of the island near Hana there are lots of wild cows you can hunt. we have wild chickens everywhere too.



Got the chicken issue here in the Keys as well. But I don't think it was Captain Cook that released them. Pretty sure it was some redneck's chicken pen blew over in a hurricane. They do blame our wild hogs here in the deep south on pigs released by the Spaniards back before Columbus' time however. 

I have seen a couple sides of that cow situation though... 

Was instructed by a grumpy landowner to shoot cows if I saw them once a long long time ago. Wrong damn thing to tell me at the time!! I piled 2 of them up!! Dear old dad about had a cow, called the guy up and said he sure as hell hoped he was serious when he told me to shoot those cows. Gentleman said he was, and he was going to make me a hero badge for that one! 

On the other side of the fence, figuratively speaking... I was hunting along the Missouri River up in North Dakota walking the south shore. Watching a small group of hunters on the other side of the river making a drive across a pasture, hitting all the little patches of brush and coulees. All of a sudden one of them pulled up and squeezed a round off at a relatively small clump of brush and trees. I'm guessing maybe a hundred feet across at best from half mile away across the river. And, about a dozen head of cows exploded out the other side of the trees!! Never did hear what went down there, and they didn't drag anything out before I got away from the river bank.

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## Wildthings

Don Ratcliff said:


> That's not uncommon here. the east side of the island near Hana there are lots of wild cows you can hunt. we have wild chickens everywhere too.


My nephew texted me pictures the other day of the wild cow they harvested in Hawaii. Crazy hunt for sure..they had to pack the meat out since no vehicles are allowed

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## Spinartist

We have chickens & Peacocks running loose here in Ft. Lauderdale area.

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## JohnF

Several years ago my wife and I went to Hawaii with another couple. Amazing place, snow on the mountains, nude chicks on the beaches. We all went hog hunting one day and then tuna fishing the next. We had one helluva feast the next day. Then we toured a sawmill on the big island and the owner gave me a nice piece of koa wood about 3x24x24. I took that home and resawed it and made a few nice things. That was my best trip ever.

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## Mike1950

We only have these guys running through the neighborhood- Makes us peoples into chickens.....

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## Mike1950

I think The saying "A face only a mother could Love" applies here

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## Schroedc

Mike1950 said:


> I think The saying "A face only a mother could Love" applies here



Or a guy with a BBQ grill

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## Spinartist

Mike1950 said:


> We only have these guys running through the neighborhood- Makes us peoples into chickens.....
> 
> View attachment 117237
> 
> View attachment 117239
> 
> View attachment 117240




Moose kill more folks than bears do, don't they??

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## Brink

I posted this avatar...



 

Which started this text...



 

And now it's this one...

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## JohnF

Brink, Here I thought I had heard someone photographed you at the ballpark....

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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## Mike1950



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## Mike1950



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## Mike1950



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## Spinartist



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## robert flynt

Don Ratcliff said:


> That's not uncommon here. the east side of the island near Hana there are lots of wild cows you can hunt. we have wild chickens everywhere too.


We need a emoji for weird!

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## Don Ratcliff

robert flynt said:


> We need a emoji for weird!

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## ripjack13

Don Ratcliff said:


>



Nah...That's the emoji for the crazy Hawaiian guy....

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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> Nah...That's the emoji for the crazy Hawaiian guy....


Is there a difference?

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## Mike1950

WOW- I wonder if I can train wood!!!!!!

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## ripjack13

Don Ratcliff said:


> Is there a difference?



Bout 12000 miles....

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## rocky1

I've always wondered about that, how do you get rid of a homing pigeon? Besides feeding them to the neighbor's cat.

That's kinda like trying to throw away a garbage can.

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## Mike Mills



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## Mike Mills



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## Mike Mills



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## Mike1950



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## Spinartist

Now that's funny as hell!!!!

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## Don Ratcliff

Hehehe

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## CodyCole24

Kevin said:


> This is actually one of my favorite jokes. That they end up shaking hands, there's something so very real about that. It has happened on battlefields in so many bizarre ways that's why I love this joke.
> 
> In WWII a ragtag band of US brothers met with another ragtag band of German brothers on the field of battle ("brothers" as in "Band of Brothers"), but by a series of wonderful and weird happenings, they spent that night celebrating Christmas together in a old dilapidated rural building (Poland? cannot remember) instead of killing each other. I believe I read about this in Reader's Digest some years ago. The next morning they all shook hands and went about the profitable banking business called war, of killing each other. Almost always for asinine and contrived/false flag reasons. 99.99% of the time but that's another rant. I think they all agreed not to kill each other if they ever met again but it's been a long time since I read it, and maybe that's just how I want to remember it.
> 
> During what some know as the "Civil War" which I like to call _The Unlawful Banking Terrorist Elite Against Lawful Southern Secession_ there are also many similar stories. This joke rips apart the mirage that people of different cultures automatically hate each other. Individuals choose to hate. Cultures and nations are taught to hate in government schools from day one, we just don't see it like that because our minds are so "owned".
> 
> The fact is cultural & geographical differences are what drives the engines of commerce and trade. Those handful that pull the strings want to "regulate" that commerce in order to profit from it by doing nothing more that passing laws and controlling us through laws and more importantly currency. This is how they can get filthy rich by doing nothing but enslaving us via our henchman/apparatchik, whom we vote in time after time, like automatons.
> 
> Okay I think I got carried away. I can feel the Sword of Mike coming down on my neck . . . . . .
> 
> Anyway great joke John. If Mike comes around asking where I am tell him I had to go get a tooth pulled or something.


OMG dad! I loved reading this! We had the same views, of course. Wish you were here to talk about the world and our existence! But at the same time, I am happy your so free! Love you, always in my heart!

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## Mike1950

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

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## Mike1950

Don Ratcliff said:


> Hehehe
> 
> View attachment 117514



Not @Tclem 's foot- He has 6 toes......................

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## Tclem

Mike1950 said:


> Not @Tclem 's foot- He has 6 toes......................


Go back to bed

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## Mike Mills

An elderly couple were at the fair and the wife put in to take the helicopter ride. No way said the husband, it is $50 bucks and $50 bucks is $50 bucks.
The wife complained they had been go to the fair for over forty years and he would never spring for the ride. Every year he just replied No, 50 bucks is 50 bucks.
The pilot overheard them bickering and offer to take them up for free as long as they did not make a single sound.
The husband agreed and up they went. The pilot started think how much he need the $50 and made all types of sharp turns trying to get them to scream. Not a peep.
Landing he turned to the back seat and only the wife was there. What happened to your husband???
I started to say something when he was falling out..... but fifty bucks is fifty bucks.

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## Spinartist

.

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## rocky1

Reply on other end...

"Nay, Nay... I ate your half first!"

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## woodman6415

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here.. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

The Old Timer said , "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much if it's all greased up."

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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## Mike1950



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## JohnF



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## Mike Mills



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## Mike Mills



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## Mike Mills



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## duncsuss

rocky1 said:


> I've always wondered about that, how do you get rid of a homing pigeon? Besides feeding them to the neighbor's cat.
> 
> That's kinda like trying to throw away a garbage can.



Reminds me of the joke I learned in middle school: what do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
.
.
.
.
.
(a stick)
.
.

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## rocky1



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## rocky1

Did you ever wonder why...

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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## woodtickgreg

That last one reminds me of my youth, lol.

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## rocky1

LOL... I mighta been guilty of that a time or, well maybe several, too Greg. But, if it was 3 and I only had 10, I had to of worked until midnight or later.

Funny thing about that first one. Photoshopped bigfoot in there, sent it to the neighbor lady, (_neighborhood gossip_), and I waited and waited, and I didn't hear nothing. Finally, I asked her old man about it, and, no... he hadn't heard anything out of her. So he goes home that day and asks her about it, and she e-mails back wanting to know; "Where is that?", (_I'd only sent her I don't know how damn many pictures off that game camera, with the same camera ID, the same trail and trees in the background over SEVERAL years_), "Is that a bear?" So, I told her she needed to go borrow her husbands glasses and look at the picture again, which apparently she did, because then she replied, "You Assshole!"

I didn't even get one decent story out of it! Let alone news coverage!!

Shared it with one kid at work, die hard hunter... He asked, "Where's that at?" Likewise, has only seen I don't how many pictures out of my camera at that same location. So I said, "Behind my house, look at the picture again." He looked harder and says, "By God, that is behind your house; ain't it?" Looks up, eyebrows raised! Then he says, "Long as he's down here , I'm going to Fargo (_GA_) huntin in the morning, and I don't need to be seein him up there on my stand!"

Not even one story out of it!

Sent it to another neighbor... He laughed!

Got a neighbor out here who's half crazy; seriously, his elevator stops well short of the top floor. Buddy borrows my ghillie suit to aggravate him. Has his deer stand baited with dried corn on the cob... (_baiting is legal here_)... He walks up, picks up an ear of corn and eats it like, well like you eat corn on the cob, not 10 feet in front of the camera! Camera is going off left and right. He waited and he waited, finally sees the guy at the breakfast at the local store a few days later. They ask him if he's seen any big bucks on his camera lately? He says, "No but he had a big bear in there the other night, stood right in front of the camera eatin corn, he's got all the deer run off!"

Not even one story!!


So if you're going to go to the trouble guys... Don't even bother with Bigfoot, just jump right on out there and start with that critter from the Alien movies or something. Because no one gets excited about Bigfoot!!

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## Tony

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 117719



I worked for a beer distributor from the age of 16 to 30. Had PLENTY of these nights........... Tony

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## Mike Mills

Tacos .... mmm mmm good

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## Mike1950



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## Mike1950



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## SENC

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 117940


That's not Ono, that's @Tclem!

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## phinds

cleaning out some old files and found this:

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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## rocky1

*WoodBarter!*
*


 *

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## rocky1



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## Mike1950



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## Mike Mills



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## Mike Mills



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## robert flynt

Mike1950 said:


> Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
> A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
> The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
> He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
> Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
> choked up…
> "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
> "Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."


I say, if he buys a gun he had better hide it from her!!!

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## JohnF

*Facebook for the Senior Generation*

(I even made it really big so that you older folks can read it.)


For those of my generation who do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists: I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.


Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day. I listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.


And it works just like Facebook. I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.

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## JohnF

Does this chick need a trim or what?

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## JohnF

Minds out of the gutter and look at the nice little doggy

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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## JohnF

Rocky, that reminds me of the last wedding I attended. An older couple were addressing the bride and groom and the wife said she didn't know what true happiness was till she got married. Her husband then said that he didn't either, but by then it was too late.

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## Mike1950



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## JohnF



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## Mike Mills

JohnF said:


> View attachment 118410


Ha.. spent a winter there (Bethel) in 1970. So glad they closed down that NikeHerc site in March and sent me to warm Germany where the snow was only six feet deep.

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## phinds

JohnF said:


> View attachment 118410

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## Spinartist

Once again fer the new WB members!!


The latest technology to keep squirrels off your birdfeeder!!! Poor lil' guy!!!!!!

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## woodman6415

Deadlocked election???? 

After the first round of electoral votes were counted, Hillary and
Donald were deadlocked.

Instead of going through a recount, they agreed to a week-long ice
fishing contest to settle the election. Whoever caught the most fish
at the end of the week would be the President.

They decided that a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin would be
the ideal place. No observers on the fishing grounds, but both would
need to have their catches verified and counted each night at 5 pm.

After Day 1, Trump returned with a total of 10 fish, Hillary came back
with nothing.

Day 2 finished, and Trump caught another 20 fish, but Hillary once
again came back with nothing.

That night, Hillary and her cronies got together and accused Trump of
being a “low-life, cheating’ son-of-a-gun.” Instead of fishing on Day
3, they were going to follow and to spy on him and figure out how he
was cheating.

Day 3 finished up and Trump had an incredible day, adding 50 fish to his total !

That night, Hillary and her democratic cohorts got together for the
full report on how Donald was cheating. Hillary stood up to give her
report and said, “You are not going to believe this, he’s cutting
holes in the ice!”

And this story, ... tells you all you need to know about the
difference between a successful businessman and a career politician!

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## Brink



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## Mike1950



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## Mike1950



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## phinds

For us Coke lovers / Pepsi haters:





This is EXACTLY how I feel when I get that moronic question except that my scowl is usually a lot more obvious.

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## Spinartist

.

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## phinds

EVERY time I make a stab at cabinetry, this is how I feel:

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## Spinartist

phinds said:


> EVERY time I make a stab at cabinetry, this is how I feel:
> 
> View attachment 118502




Is that why you only collect & ID wood??


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## phinds

Spinartist said:


> Is that why you only collect & ID wood??


EXACTLY !

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## phinds

What it always sounds like when I have to deal with a phone tree:

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## JohnF

Hunting on Sunday



For all my hunting friends... a cautionary tale........
Hunting On Sunday :
I had everything planned and had told my wife I would not be going to church with her on Sunday. My wife reminded me that Sunday was the Sabbath Day and hunting a trophy buck should not be part of the Sabbath.
1. I had scouted the area all summer.
2. I searched out the best location for my tree-stand.
3. I set it all up a month ahead of time.
4. I trailed the herd.
5. I picked out a trophy buck.
6. Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt.
7. Everything was in place.
8. Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am.
9. I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand.
10. This was destined to be an "Epic" hunt.
11. As I approached my deer stand I called my wife and told her I had decided not to hunt on the Sabbath and would meet her at church.
The Sunday sermon was entitled, "The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways ".









*




*

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## JohnF

I shoveled the snow this morning, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, or maybe a nap on the couch.

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## phinds

Hilarious 1 minute video. THE BEST EXCUSE EVER

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## rocky1

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.

It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.

I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."

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## Mike1950



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## rocky1

Sometimes you simply can't outdo life itself when it comes to humor!! Put your coffee cup down before reading this!!


*Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital*
*2016-11-07*

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

_“It was a big job in more ways than one.”_ he told us _“I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”_

Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

_“To be honest”,_ said Jason, _“I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”_

Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

_“I’m furious”_ said Jason, _“I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”_

But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;

_“I’m still in agony,”_ she said, “_and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”_

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened_ “People just don’t appreciate the dangers. “_ he told us,_ “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”_

http://www.rotherhambugle.com/2016/11/07/tattoo-terror-lands-rotherham-pair-in-hospital/

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## Tony

rocky1 said:


> Sometimes you simply can't outdo life itself when it comes to humor!! Put your coffee cup down before reading this!!
> 
> 
> *Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital*
> *2016-11-07*
> 
> A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.
> 
> Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
> 
> _“It was a big job in more ways than one.”_ he told us _“I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”_
> 
> Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.
> 
> _“To be honest”,_ said Jason, _“I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”_
> 
> Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
> 
> _“I’m furious”_ said Jason, _“I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”_
> 
> But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;
> 
> _“I’m still in agony,”_ she said, “_and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”_
> 
> Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened_ “People just don’t appreciate the dangers. “_ he told us,_ “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”_
> 
> http://www.rotherhambugle.com/2016/11/07/tattoo-terror-lands-rotherham-pair-in-hospital/



I have no words........

Reactions: Agree 2


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## rocky1

Tony said:


> I have no words........



The mental video of that is simply too much! Ain't it??!!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## phinds

My kind of job:

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 3


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## Schroedc

rocky1 said:


> Sometimes you simply can't outdo life itself when it comes to humor!! Put your coffee cup down before reading this!!
> 
> 
> *Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital*
> *2016-11-07*
> 
> A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.
> 
> Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
> 
> _“It was a big job in more ways than one.”_ he told us _“I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”_
> 
> Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.
> 
> _“To be honest”,_ said Jason, _“I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”_
> 
> Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
> 
> _“I’m furious”_ said Jason, _“I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”_
> 
> But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;
> 
> _“I’m still in agony,”_ she said, “_and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”_
> 
> Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened_ “People just don’t appreciate the dangers. “_ he told us,_ “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”_
> 
> http://www.rotherhambugle.com/2016/11/07/tattoo-terror-lands-rotherham-pair-in-hospital/



That was a bloody flaming mess right there...

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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415



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## Mike1950



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## Don Ratcliff

I'm ready now!

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Spinartist

Don Ratcliff said:


> I'm ready now!
> 
> View attachment 118687




I didn't know there was a Walmart on Maui!!

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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415

Weather forecast here tonight ..low of 30 and tomorrow night it's going to be a freezing 23 ... I'll be wrapped up and hibernating till it gets back to a manageable 50 degrees ...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Sincere 3


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## Schroedc

woodman6415 said:


> Weather forecast here tonight ..low of 30 and tomorrow night it's going to be a freezing 23 ... I'll be wrapped up and hibernating till it gets back to a manageable 50 degrees ...
> View attachment 118709



-19 here tonight, Not supposed to get above -5 at all tomorrow but then they are forecasting 30 by Friday....


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## Don Ratcliff

You guys are starting to scare me...

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1


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## phinds



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## ripjack13

Don Ratcliff said:


> I'm ready now!
> 
> View attachment 118687



Now, it's funny.....

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds

modified to fit forum rules:

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13




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## Spinartist

Ft Lauderdale beach local talent. 78*

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## Don Ratcliff

In Chinatown oahu.

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## woodman6415

Only in Texas

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## SENC



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## phinds



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 9


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## phinds

Wanted to do both "funny" AND "agree" on that one !

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 2


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## Don Ratcliff

phinds said:


> Wanted to do both "funny" AND "agree" on that one !


I just clicked on your "My Bowls" link in your signature. While they are beautiful I feel it is my responsibility to show your quote in this section...


"I apologize for not having a clickable email address, but ebots suck them out and then I get tons of spam for viagra and since viagra would just cause me to spend time doing things other than making bowls, I'd rather avoid it, SO ... my email address is:"

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Spinartist

woodman6415 said:


> FLORIDA!! View attachment 118837




Come on down!! Only 84* today. Had to turn wood with the A/C on..


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## Don Ratcliff

Spinartist said:


> Come on down!! Only 84* today. Had to turn wood with the A/C on..


Umm, you are North of me...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Spinartist

Don Ratcliff said:


> Umm, you are North of me...




Come on "UP" if you're bringing your snowman!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Spinartist said:


> Come on "UP" if you're bringing your snowman!!


please see post http://woodbarter.com/threads/a-joke-a-day-keeps-the-boredom-away.2071/page-158#post-396168 by  for a pic of what that would look like...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 4


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 3


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## SENC

...and from some redneck in Jayess, Missippi

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## rocky1

Maybe he is normal, for there!!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Sincere 1


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## phinds

Why I don't use IE.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 6


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 7


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## phinds

Every time I go to Mark Peet's house (@Mr. Peet) to borrow more wood samples he puts this out:

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## Schroedc

phinds said:


> Every time I go to Mark Peet's house (@Mr. Peet) to borrow more wood samples he puts this out:
> 
> View attachment 119047



My god! I have to find one of those for my house!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## phinds

Schroedc said:


> My god! I have to find one of those for my house!


BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN VISITED YOU ! 

Oh. There are others it might apply to ? Well, OK then.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Schroedc

phinds said:


> BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN VISITED YOU !
> 
> Oh. There are others it might apply to ? Well, OK then.



Oh yes, the list of folks it would apply to doesn't have your name on it yet.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## kweinert

Schroedc said:


> My god! I have to find one of those for my house!



http://www.cocomatsnmore.com/coir-mats-oh-bat guana-not-you-again.html

Let's see if we can make 'oh bat guana not you again doormat' a trending Google search! :)

Reactions: Funny 3


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## kweinert

kweinert said:


> http://www.cocomatsnmore.com/coir-mats-oh-bat guana-not-you-again.html
> 
> Let's see if we can make 'oh bat guana not you again doormat' a trending Google search! :)



Seems like you might have to make your own reverse translation to get the link to work :) 

Although the translated search will find you a product I wouldn't have thought existed:

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

phinds said:


> Every time I go to Mark Peet's house (@Mr. Peet) to borrow more wood samples he puts this out:
> 
> View attachment 119047





Schroedc said:


> My god! I have to find one of those for my house!



I show a picture of a childhood hero pointing at the ceiling with both hands and get censored faster than a Republican stripper on AL Jazeera. A mod shows a pic with the word bat guana (I'm sure what posted was not what i wrote) in it and that sails off into the sunset like lotto winning newly weds.

And I like long walks on the beach and holding hands.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Schroedc

Don Ratcliff said:


> I show a picture of a childhood hero pointing at the ceiling with both hands and get censored faster than a Republican stripper on AL Jazeera. A mod shows a pic with the word bat guana (I'm sure what posted was not what i wrote) in it and that sails off into the sunset like lotto winning newly weds.



Are you a Mod?,,,,,,,,

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> I show a picture of a childhood hero pointing at the ceiling with both hands and get censored faster than a Republican stripper on AL Jazeera. A mod shows a pic with the word bat guana (I'm sure what posted was not what i wrote) in it and that sails off into the sunset like lotto winning newly weds.



Mods and Texans can do as we please. The rules are different for Islanders. 

Before you ask, the same rules apply when you move to America. Tony

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## phinds

Don Ratcliff said:


> I show a picture of a childhood hero pointing at the ceiling with both hands and get censored faster than a Republican stripper on AL Jazeera. A mod shows a pic with the word bat guana (I'm sure what posted was not what i wrote) in it and that sails off into the sunset like lotto winning newly weds.


Don, if it makes you feel any better, I had one of my posts removed a couple of days ago because I stepped over the line ... mods are not immune from an occasional smack upside the head.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

The fbomb is a no no, Be it in a picture or typed out. 
The word s.h.i.t I let slide, but only in this topic.

Reactions: Like 2


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## woodtickgreg

ripjack13 said:


> The fbomb is a no no, Be it in a picture or typed out.
> The word s.h.i.t I let slide, but only in this topic.


Kevin spelled it shite, lol.

Reactions: Sincere 1


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## DKMD

Don Ratcliff said:


> ... and get censored faster than a Republican stripper on AL Jazeera.



AlJazeera has conservative strippers? I knew I would eventually regret canceling my cable...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

So in Texas the flag has 1 star on it. There are 49


DKMD said:


> AlJazeera has conservative strippers? I knew I would eventually regret canceling my cable...

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## woodman6415

Don Ratcliff said:


> So in Texas the flag has 1 star on it. There are 49



We only need one ... it's a big one

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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> We only need one ... it's a big one

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

Don Ratcliff said:


> I show a picture of a childhood hero pointing at the ceiling with both hands and get censored faster than a Republican stripper on AL Jazeera. A mod shows a pic with the word bat guana (I'm sure what posted was not what i wrote) in it and that sails off into the sunset like lotto winning newly weds.
> 
> And I like long walks on the beach and holding hands.
> 
> View attachment 119057


Wait a minute...

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## ripjack13

woodtickgreg said:


> Kevin spelled it shite, lol.



Funny thing is I removed one of Kevin's pictures he posted a while ago... He understood why. Thanked me for adhering to the rules he set up, And we had a good laugh after....
Unlike the coconut salesman who likes long walks on the beach...

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## Schroedc

Don Ratcliff said:


> View attachment 119079



It should say There are.....

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## Don Ratcliff

Schroedc said:


> It should say There are.....


I rest my case...

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## Schroedc

Don Ratcliff said:


> I rest my case...



Exactly.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

Schroedc said:


> Exactly.


Colin, you are exhausting...


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## Schroedc

Don Ratcliff said:


> Colin, you are exhausting...



That island paradise with nothing to do but watch pretty girls and sip Mai-Tais I need to do something to toughen you up before your move to the mainland.

Reactions: Funny 2 | Sincere 1


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## Mr. Peet

It's not just for you Paul, we put it out for PTO members, Jehovah witnesses, and any time the preacher says he's coming over. Once we were slow and mother stopped in, well it was rolled up in a hurry.....
@phinds

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## Don Ratcliff

Schroedc said:


> That island paradise with nothing to do but watch pretty girls and sip Mai-Tais I need to do something to toughen you up before your move to the mainland.


Ummm, thanks?......

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mr. Peet

Mele kalikimaka Don.

@Don Ratcliff

Reactions: Like 1 | Informative 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Mr. Peet said:


> Mele kalikimaka Don.
> 
> @Don Ratcliff


Mahalo braddah


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## Mr. Peet

Aloha ahiahi braddah / kaikaina.


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Beddah


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## rocky1

That one makes my tongue tired just listening to it! 


For some reason I get this mental image of hotel employees trying to sing that after too many Mai-Tai!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> That one makes my tongue tired just listening to it!
> 
> 
> For some reason I get this mental image of hotel employees trying to sing that after too many Mai-Tai!



You must be a powerful jedi to see with that much clarity...

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## Tony



Reactions: Agree 1


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## rocky1

Immediately followed by a bunch of drunks laid out on everything going...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Live long and perspire... Nanu nanu...


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> Immediately followed by a bunch of drunks laid out on everything going...


And that boys and girls is why I quit drinking...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## JohnF



Reactions: Funny 8


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## JohnF

poor old Texas boy laying in hospital on oxygen after an operation and a young student nurse comes to give him a spongebath
Old boy asks the girl are my testicles black poor girl is a bit shocked and he asks again are my testicles black
sorry sir my job is only to wash your upper body and feet
By now the old boy is in tears please miss are my testicles black
so out of compassion she pulls the curtain around him pulls back the sheets and slowly examines each of his crown jewels
Pulling the covers back up she says gently they look fine
Old boy with tears running from his eyes pulls down the oxygen mask and says miss that was the most wonderful experience I have had in years but please listen carefully

ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK

Reactions: Funny 7


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## JohnF

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You're obviously not listening."

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Don Ratcliff

JohnF said:


> I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
> She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You're obviously not listening."


I double dog dare you to tell your wife that...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## JohnF

LOL Don. She wears a size 4 yet so she would just laugh at me

Reactions: Sincere 1


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## JohnF

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## JohnF

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.



Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

Reactions: Funny 6


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## JohnF

Some of my old classmates:

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Gorgio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses, she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too, shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables and marijuana. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

Mary confessed that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## JohnF

EMPLOYEE NOTICE OK AFTER CHRISTMAS;
**************************
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has
decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory
retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT programme
(Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System
Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems
appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the
Government..
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much bat guana (Special High Intensity
Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of bat guana they
give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough bat guana, please bring this to the attention of your
MP, who has been trained to give you all the bat guana you can handle.
Sincerely –
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as
current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

Reactions: Like 3


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## JohnF

and Don, this is how chainsaws are started in the mainland

Reactions: Funny 2


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## JohnF

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”

“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

Reactions: Funny 3


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## JohnF

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## JohnF

Walked into a car sales room this afternoon and found a salesman
Hey Bud My wife would like to talk to you about the white Toyota Prius that you have in the front window
his reply was sorry sir we dont have a white Prius in our front window
I said YOU DO NOW


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## JohnF

Talking to an old bud this afternoon when his son came home from school and said dad I got suspended from school today because I got caught with my hand down the pants of one of the girls in my class
hell he said thats the third school you been suspended from this year
If you are not carefull you gonna get banned from teaching for life


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## JohnF

Four Old boys from Texas were siting around a camp fire having a few beers and one said ..what is the worst sound you have heard. One cowboy said blowing a tire on a plane when we where landing was a very bad sound ..another said a lift wire broke and and I thought that's it. the third said a busted wheel bearing on a train I was driving. They looked at Jack and said what about you..Jack said someone opening a pocket knife with their teeth..The others all laughed and said that not a bad sound. Jack said well if you a climbing out off a window and some bugger is holding yours balls with one hand it is.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

JohnF said:


> and Don, this is how chainsaws are started in the mainland
> 
> View attachment 119087


Wow... the mainland has gotten stoopid since I was logging...


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## JohnF

What did you log Don?


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## Don Ratcliff

JohnF said:


> What did you log Don?


Giant hairsticks

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tony

JohnF said:


> Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.
> 
> 'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
> 
> 'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
> 
> 'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'
> 
> 'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.
> 
> 'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.
> 
> 'Could I see him?'
> 
> Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
> Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
> Will you grant me one wish?'
> 'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
> 
> So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
> 
> Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.
> 
> 
> 
> Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
> 
> Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'



Man, I sure Kevin could see this. He would laugh his a** off at this one.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## woodman6415

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid $1,700 each and didn't realize last yr when he bought them that this was going to be on the same day as his wedding..
If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place...
It's at St Peter's Church, in Spring Branch at 3pm. Her name is Sally, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook... She will be the one in the white dress.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## phinds

I think we may have seen this one before but even if so it's worth seeing again:

Reactions: Like 4 | Great Post 2 | Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

@rocky1

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 7


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## ripjack13

I found this for @Tony ....


Link

Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13




----------



## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> I found this for @Tony ....
> 
> 
> Link



I'd be lying if I said I've never thought about getting some. Tony

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## SENC

ripjack13 said:


> I found this for @Tony ....
> 
> 
> Link

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 2


----------



## Spinartist




----------



## SENC

@duncsuss

Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## phinds

Another oldie but goodie (I'm just too lazy to go back through 164 pages of posts to see if this one is a repeat ... it probably is but DESERVES to be )

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 4


----------



## Schroedc

phinds said:


> Another oldie but goodie (I'm just too lazy to go back through 164 pages of posts to see if this one is a repeat ... it probably is but DESERVES to be )
> View attachment 119123



That was my day yesterday over at the restaurant I work at part time, lots of both....


----------



## ripjack13

I Nearly Became A Doctor.

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters *PNEIS* into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are posting jokes via forums.

Reactions: Funny 9


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## phinds

How I feel in the morning:

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

Uggg

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Spinartist

Don Ratcliff said:


> Uggg
> 
> View attachment 119190




Except in Missouri... It lasts even longer

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Spinartist said:


> Except in Missouri... It lasts even longer


You hush up!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Spinartist

Don Ratcliff said:


> You hush up!




Just talkin from experience. I grew up in Iowa where we didn't have the sense to ask "show me".


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Spinartist said:


> Just talkin from experience. I grew up in Iowa where we didn't have the sense to ask "show me".


I thought you were looking forward to my move and had already claimed to have peed on some of my koa for a trade of the Norfolk pine. Even thought it is inferior to Cook pine, I am sure I will figure out the relative scale of trade.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

phinds said:


> Another oldie but goodie (I'm just too lazy to go back through 164 pages of posts to see if this one is a repeat ... it probably is but DESERVES to be )
> View attachment 119123


I do not allow either of those products in my building. I actually use that picture as a training guide when I started here. "If you think this is how you fix anything we are not going to get along"


----------



## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

Yep...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Great Post 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodtickgreg

Don Ratcliff said:


> Yep...
> 
> View attachment 119367


I think that's an I'm pooping face!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Schroedc

woodtickgreg said:


> I think that's an I'm pooping face!



If that's your pooping face you've got problems....

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## phinds



Reactions: Great Post 6 | Funny 3 | Sincere 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## Spinartist

Teenage advice - To find your place in the sun, you must leave the shade of the family tree

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Schroedc

Spinartist said:


> Teenage advice - To find your place in the sun, you must leave the shade of the family tree



Some days I wish all the nuts would fall off my family tree.....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Tony

Hey @Don Ratcliff, want one of these? Tony

Reactions: Like 4 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

Schroedc said:


> Some days I wish all the nuts would fall off my family tree.....



Probably be easier to just plant a new tree....

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

phinds said:


> View attachment 119407



or congress....

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 1


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## JohnF

With New Years Eve here, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.
Two weeks ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had several beers followed by red wine and vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home.

Sure enough, on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it..

So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

Reactions: Like 1 | EyeCandy! 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 10


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## Spinartist

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 119563

Reactions: Like 1


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## woodman6415

Spinartist said:


>



Guess somebody finally got it !!!


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Like 3


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2 | Funny 6


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## ripjack13

What do you call a caveman who wanders aimlessly?
A Meanderthal.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## ripjack13

@Mike1950 

Nothing makes me feel so old as having to scroll down to find my year of birth.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## ripjack13

Q: What kind of game do you play with a wombat? 
A: Wom.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13

“ Two beavers are sitting on the edge of a stream. One beavers turns to other and asks, "Hey, Bob, I noticed you look a little stressed out. What's the problem?"
"Oh it's just one dam thing after another."

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodtickgreg

ripjack13 said:


> “ Two beavers are sitting on the edge of a stream. One beavers turns to other and asks, "Hey, Bob, I noticed you look a little stressed out. What's the problem?"
> "Oh it's just one dam thing after another."


Are we feeling 5 today?

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Tony

woodtickgreg said:


> Are we feeling 5 today?



I think Marc's grandson has taken control. Tony

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5


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## kweinert

ripjack13 said:


> @Mike1950
> 
> Nothing makes me feel so old as having to scroll down to find my year of birth.



It's always disappointing when you cross over from one page to another: "Damn, I used to only have to scroll 4 times to find it!"

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## SENC

kweinert said:


> It's always disappointing when you cross over from one page to another: "Damn, I used to only have to scroll 4 times to find it!"


Mike has it easy. Ctrl-End goes straight to the bottom of the list.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## kweinert

SENC said:


> Mike has it easy. Ctrl-End goes straight to the bottom of the list.



Thanks for putting into perspective.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

This is how I will cope I think...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 120077


This just in, the blizzard of 2017 caused a pileup on 20 today. Officials say they were unsuccessful in plowing the roadway enough to allow Texans to navigate the highway safely...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> This just in, the blizzard of 2017 caused a pileup on 20 today. Officials say they were unsuccessful in plowing the roadway enough to allow Texans to navigate the highway safely...
> 
> View attachment 120078

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415

Don Ratcliff said:


> This just in, the blizzard of 2017 caused a pileup on 20 today. Officials say they were unsuccessful in plowing the roadway enough to allow Texans to navigate the highway safely...
> 
> View attachment 120078



This happens almost everyday on interstate 35 ...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> This happens almost everyday on interstate 35 ...


Booster seats would help... seeing over the steering wheel is step one in safety. Now I'm not saying all of Texas is vertically challenged but I am saying from the rather large group of Texans here it is a plausibility that booster seats would help.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950

Don Ratcliff said:


> Booster seats would help... seeing over the steering wheel is step one in safety. Now I'm not saying all of Texas is vertically challenged but I am saying from the rather large group of Texans here it is a plausibility that booster seats would help.



Now that is funny....... .....

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415

Don Ratcliff said:


> Booster seats would help... seeing over the steering wheel is step one in safety. Now I'm not saying all of Texas is vertically challenged but I am saying from the rather large group of Texans here it is a plausibility that booster seats would help.



I never said it was Texans driving ... it's the 10 million visitors that don't know how to drive ...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Sincere 1


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> I never said it was Texans driving ... it's the 10 million visitors that don't know how to drive ...


My logic holds true...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415

Don Ratcliff said:


> My logic holds true...



You had some logic here ?
Not seeing it ..

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> You had some logic here ?
> Not seeing it ..



Wendell, don't even try. It's just stoopid Islander logic, don't make any sense. Tony

Reactions: +Karma 1


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## Schroedc

Tony said:


> Wendell, don't even try. It's just stoopid Islander logic, don't make any sense. Tony



Careful Tony, In two weeks that's going to be midwesterner logic.....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> Wendell, don't even try. It's just stoopid Islander logic, don't make any sense. Tony



I believe you .. all the movies I've watched about the islands .. those were the short people ... but as I'm 6ft2ft most people I know are short ..

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tony

Schroedc said:


> Careful Tony, In two weeks that's going to be midwesterner logic.....



Once an Islander always an Islander!

Reactions: Great Post 1


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> Once an Islander always an Islander!



That's exactly what is said about Texans

Reactions: Agree 1 | Sincere 1


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## Schroedc

woodman6415 said:


> That's exactly what is said about Texans



I've heard people say something totally different about Texans....

Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415

Schroedc said:


> I've heard people say something totally different about Texans....



Lies all lies

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

@woodman6415 we stand eye to eye being the same height. While Hawaiians are not generally tall they can usually lift a truck. Your inability to understand logic is not my concern.


@Schroedc it's a struggle to not automatically take offense to your every comment cast my way but I have managed to this time... I think...

@Tony "shhh, the grown-ups are talking"

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415

Don Ratcliff said:


> @woodman6415 we stand eye to eye being the same height. While Hawaiians are not generally tall they can usually lift a truck. Your inability to understand logic is not my concern.
> 
> 
> @Schroedc it's a struggle to not automatically take offense to your every comment cast my way but I have managed to this time... I think...
> 
> @Tony "shhh, the grown-ups are talking"



I'm still waiting for you to do or say that's logical...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Schroedc

Don Ratcliff said:


> @Schroedc it's a struggle to not automatically take offense to your every comment cast my way but I have managed to this time... I think...



If I'm not offending you then I'm not doing my job right....

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1 | Agree 1


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> I'm still waiting for you to do or say that's logical...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> @woodman6415 we stand eye to eye being the same height. While Hawaiians are not generally tall they can usually lift a truck. Your inability to understand logic is not my concern.
> 
> 
> @Schroedc it's a struggle to not automatically take offense to your every comment cast my way but I have managed to this time... I think...
> 
> @Tony "shhh, the grown-ups are talking"

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Schroedc said:


> If I'm not offending you then I'm not doing my job right....


Slacker...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415

Don Ratcliff said:


> View attachment 120105
> 
> View attachment 120106



Hey I resemble that second post .. what have you got against fishermen??

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> Hey I resemble that second post .. what have you got against fishermen??


Calm down Colin jr... it's not your turn to bust my coconuts... @Schroedc I'm still waiting... apparently there is a line forming so can we get this moving please...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## SENC

Sweet! This is where we line up to give Don a swift ?

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> Hey I resemble that second post .. what have you got against fishermen??



Don't take offense Wendell, Don is a pretty good fishreman too. At least he's an expert at putting bait on a hook. I believe his title is Master Baiter.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> Don't take offense Wendell, Don is a pretty good fishreman too. At least he's an expert at putting bait on a hook. I believe his title is Master Baiter.


Call it what you want, I catch fish...

Reactions: Like 3 | Way Cool 2


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> Don't take offense Wendell, Don is a pretty good fishreman too. At least he's an expert at putting bait on a hook. I believe his title is Master Baiter.



Not taking of offense ... he's funny .. maybe in more ways than one

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

This is great... I always think of @Brink when I see it.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


----------



## bluedot



Reactions: Funny 4


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415

Texas Afro

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> Texas Afro
> View attachment 120189


It looks like a cross between young Michael Jackson and @Brink ...

Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415

Don Ratcliff said:


> It looks like a cross between young Michael Jackson and @Brink ...



Now wait a dad gum minute ... I don't think I look like @Brink at all

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> Now wait a dad gum minute ... I don't think I look like @Brink at all


And you should argue that till the day you leave this earth... but.......


----------



## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> Now wait a dad gum minute ... I don't think I look like @Brink at all



The funniest part of this is that @Brink is the one you took offense as looking like!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> The funniest part of this is that @Brink is the one you took offense as looking like!



Hey come on I can moon walk like a pro ...

Reactions: Like 1


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> Hey come on I can moon walk like a pro ...


As a soon to be Missourian I have to say this; "show me"


----------



## Brink

Don't hate me because I'm sexy.

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike1950

Don Ratcliff said:


> Call it what you want, I catch fish...
> 
> View attachment 120107



Idaho? what river- Nice fish


----------



## Mike1950

Used piano for sale- needs tuned. Best offer- you move.

Reactions: Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Mike1950 said:


> Idaho? what river- Nice fish


California, trinity and thank you

Reactions: Like 1


----------



## Mike Mills



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


----------



## Tony



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8 | +Karma 1


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## SENC

That is brutal.


Who's going to explain it to Tclem?


----------



## Tony

SENC said:


> That is brutal.
> 
> 
> Who's going to explain it to Tclem?



Y'all are Besties right? Honor's all yours Henry!!!


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> View attachment 120246



Ouch...



SENC said:


> That is brutal.
> 
> 
> Who's going to explain it to Tclem?



Double ouch...


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Lol

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Don Ratcliff

Meanwhile, in Mississippi...

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7 | Sincere 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 5 | Way Cool 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 120300


Post that to FB so I can tag maya. Lmao


----------



## Don Ratcliff

About right...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

@Mike1950

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Don Ratcliff

This was on FB and I shot diet coke out of my nose when I read it.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Brink



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Schroedc

Don Ratcliff said:


> This was on FB and I shot diet coke out of my nose when I read it.
> 
> View attachment 120321



We have a bunch of guys with the cast iron testicles hanging from their trailer hitch on their trucks in town. Those are generally the guys with no balls whatsoever.....

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 4


----------



## Spinartist



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


----------



## Spinartist



Reactions: Like 1


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 2


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## Don Ratcliff

Spinartist said:


> View attachment 120458


That's why you never drive on the sand... I wonder what beach this is anyway?...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

@Tclem

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 1


----------



## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike1950

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Reactions: Funny 10


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## rocky1



Reactions: Great Post 4 | Funny 5


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 9


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 8


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## SENC

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 120612


Pretty sure @Tclem said the same thing when he was borrowing one of Pax's books recently.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 5 | Funny 2


----------



## Clay3063

woodtickgreg said:


> And, he who fart in church, sit in pew.


Man who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with stinky finger.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Man who fart in church, sit in own pew....

Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## Kenbo

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Reactions: Funny 4


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted...

Reactions: Funny 4


----------



## SENC

Man who find these funny named @Tclem.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


----------



## Schroedc

Man who live in glass house shouldn't go naked.

Reactions: Agree 1


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 8


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 9


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 2


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Tclem

Snowflake medicine.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


----------



## ripjack13

Tclem said:


> Snowflake medicine.
> 
> View attachment 120721



They gonna need more than that......

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


----------



## Spinartist

My buddy & his wife were shopping in Atlanta. Sent me this picture. I'm going to try selling a few at my next show!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


----------



## DKMD

Spinartist said:


> My buddy & his wife were shopping in Atlanta. Sent me this picture. I'm going to try selling a few at my next show!!!
> 
> View attachment 120820


$21/bf for a cracked stump?! PT Barnum was right!

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 2


----------



## Spinartist

DKMD said:


> $21/bf for a cracked stump?! PT Barnum was right!




Well... they did chamfer the edge after removing the bark!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## rocky1

I'm sitting on a gold mine!!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


----------



## David Van Asperen

This guy gets tossed into prison. First night in and as the doors slam shut and the lights go dim, he is more than just a little uneasy. All is quite for a few minutes then someone yells out 69, and the whole cell block breaks out in laughter, this just adds to his uneasiness .
A couple minutes later someone yell out 138, and more laughter. After a few more numbers are called out with the same result the new guy just has to know what is going on so he asks his cell mate " just what is his all about"
His cell mate explains that most everyone has been there so long that they have heard all the jokes so many times that they just assigned numbers to them instead of telling the entire joke. This seems to make sense , so the new asked if he could tell one . The old timer said sure go right ahead.
The new guy then yells out 46! Thre was complete silence . The new asked if it was a poor joke. The old timer responded " no, 46 is one of the best jokes of all. Why was no one laughing then he asked?
Well said th old timer there is a lot in the way you tell it.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Bigdrowdy1



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Bigdrowdy1

I saw these and thought yall might like them.
and for us predator callers


Rodney

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Bigdrowdy1

That don't sound right . I saw those pictures

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tony



Reactions: Like 6 | Agree 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


----------



## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 4 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## kweinert



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 4


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 8


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7


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## rocky1



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 4


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## Mike1950

sorry I could not resist- This is funny.....

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415

I'm not sure what's funny here ?
How else do you get your longhorn clean ?

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 121034


You suck...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 2


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## rocky1

I just couldn't resist when I found it! Then you were on the road, and I waited and I waited... 

Tony thought it was funny anyhow!!


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 3


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## rocky1



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415

Not sure how funny or true this is :

How to Tell Where a Cop works:

Narcotics
-Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
-Start wearing "Tap Out" t-shirts
-Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
-Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
-Practice the "Don't acknowledge me, even in the police station, look." 
-Thinks even the Chief worships you.
-Make every case involve overtime $$$.
-Learn to play golf drunk.

SWAT
-Wear team T-shirts (size small), Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday.
-Try to fit the word "breach" and "tactical" in to every conversation.
-Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
-Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod.
-Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune, Guns and Ammo and Muscle and Fitness magazines.
-Learn to play golf wearing a gun, a tactical knife and a back-up gun (just in case)

Community Service Units
-Hate SWAT.
-Work to make everybody love you.
-Paint your office in pastel colors.
-Think Feng Shui.
-Subscribe to Psychology Today.
-Learn to play miniature golf.

Traffic units
-Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
-Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
-Annoy the bat guana out of everyone on the radio by having complete disregard for anyone else's radio traffic.
-Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
-Constantly ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection.
-Refer to the "other" law enforcement officers as "Car cops."
-"LBR" (Look Bitchin' Riding) is your mantra 
-Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.

K-9 Units
-Become sadistic.
-Show pictures of your latest dog bite.
-Brag about your largest drug find.
-Smell like a dog.
-Workout 3 times a day.
-Show off your bruises.

Administrative Units
-Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it's a "meeting."
-Upgrade department cell phone every month.
-Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
-Update your revenge list on a weekly basis.
-Expert at PowerPoint, bar charts and graphs
-Golf Rules! Play LOTS of golf.

Patrol Units
-Has nerves of steel.
-In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
-Inability to keep mouth shut.
-Has defining tastes in alcohol.
-Is respected by peers.
-Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot.

FTO
-Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when car is put in gear.
-Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a "good training opportunity" and asks to take primary.
-Life long case of irrital bowel syndrome
-Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day.

Detectives
-Come in at 0800.
-"Breakfast" from 0815 to 1030.
-Work from 1030 to Noon.
-Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch.
-1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn't know. Plan your next RV, fishing, motorcycle trip.

Patrol Sergeant
-Remembers very well "how we usta do do it."
-Always willing to tell his officers the above.
-Tries to fit the word "liability" in to every sentence.
-Talks about "what he's hearing from upstairs."

Trainee
-Unable to grow facial hair.
-Watches every episode of Cops.
-Gets excited when the SWAT guys walk by.
-Arrives for work three hours early.
-Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him.
-Won't drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.

New Corrections Officers
- Show up for work 15 minutes early.
- Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2).
- Wear T-Shirts of your "dream department" under your uniform.
- Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove everything when you arrive at the facility.
- Become friends with every local police officer.

Defensive Tactics Instructors
-Starts stretching before making arrest.
-Can spend hours debating the advantages of RCB vs. straight stick.
-Wears yoga pants off-duty
-Chuck Norris is GOD
-Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton.
-Giggles when a suspect starts to resist.

Firearms Instructor
- Responds to every question/statement with the word, 'huh?'
- Has a % lead/blood level higher than the current Chief's approval rating.
- Operates under the assumption that the more beer you drink, the more of that lead leaves your system.
- Thinks a new tactical handgun is a great Christmas gift for the wife/girlfriend.
- Has an image of a custom 1911-A1 for a screen-saver.
- Wears the latest high-tech electronic hearing protectors during normal conversation.

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2 | Informative 1


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## Don Ratcliff

@rocky1

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Don Ratcliff

@Mike1950 is this what you did?

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## SENC

Don Ratcliff said:


> @Mike1950 is this what you did?
> 
> 
> View attachment 121339


He actually did that, about 20 years ago!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

SENC said:


> He actually did that, about 20 years ago!


I'm Batman1950 aka @Mike1950

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> I'm Batman1950
> 
> View attachment 121340



Is the original dagguerotype colorized?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

It did look better fresh off the plate..

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

I'm batman....

Reactions: Sincere 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Great Post 8 | Funny 1


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13

I just found a pic of @Brink at work...


.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


----------



## ripjack13

@Blueglass

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

@Mike1950

Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

If you say the word "gullible" slowly, it sounds like the word oranges.....

Reactions: Funny 1 | Creative 1


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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 121398


Yaba daba doooo

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> If you say the word "gullible" slowly, it sounds like the word oranges.....

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415

@Brink oil change service

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> @Brink oil change service
> 
> View attachment 121399


Well there's your problem right there... you got a @Brink in your carburetor and your water pump bearings need grease. Hold my beer; I'll fix'er right up.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

@rocky1 's new smart phone....

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Don Ratcliff said:


> Well there's your problem right there... you got a @Brink in your carburetor and your water pump bearings need grease. Hold my beer; I'll fix'er right up.



top off the headlight fluid while you're at it.
k.thanx.bye.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> Well there's your problem right there... you got a @Brink in your carburetor and your water pump bearings need grease. Hold my beer; I'll fix'er right up.



Also, top off the turn signal lube while you're at it.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> Also, top off the turn signal lube while you're at it.



Why not many people use them anyway ...

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> top off the headlight fluid while you're at it.
> k.thanx.bye.





Tony said:


> Also, top off the turn signal lube while you're at it.



Wow, you dorks don't know nothing 'bout mechanican... it's headlight lube and turn signal fluid... stoopid goofheads

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> @rocky1 's new smart phone....


And somehow he will still write a novel with it...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## rocky1

Actually I was looking at the Caterpillar S60 - https://www.cnet.com/products/cat-s60/

Unfortunately, it doesn't appear wired for Verizon, and those carriers it suggests it does play well with, don't have service out here in the sticks. I do intend to inquire about it at Verizon however, got a free upgrade beyond due on mine.

Reactions: Like 1 | Sincere 1


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## rocky1

Don Ratcliff said:


> And somehow he will still write a novel with it...



Ain't you got a toilet to clean down at the factory?

Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415

rocky1 said:


> Actually I was looking at the Caterpillar S60 - https://www.cnet.com/products/cat-s60/
> 
> Unfortunately, it doesn't appear wired for Verizon, and those carriers it suggests it does play well with, don't have service out here in the sticks. I do intend to inquire about it at Verizon however, got a free upgrade beyond due on mine.



Cheaper than this iPhone 7 camera I just bought


----------



## Mike Mills



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## rocky1

I was looking at it for the FLIR, thinking that could have useful applications in the bee business. Not sure that camera would be good enough to do what I want to do, but $600 for a phone is way cheaper than $2500 for a handheld IR scope.


----------



## Blueglass

woodman6415 said:


> @Brink oil change service
> 
> View attachment 121399


Brings back a memory. Girl I knew while stationed in Norfolk went in for an oil change. They told her the oil pan was cracked and she needed to spend like $800 right now. I asked to you have to add oil all the time, She said no, I said there is your answer.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## kweinert

Has this been posted already? There are just too many pages of humor to scroll through to check. Maybe we should start tagging these so we can search for them :)

#monkey, #job, #brink

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Brink

Don Ratcliff said:


> Well there's your problem right there... you got a @Brink in your carburetor and your water pump bearings need grease. Hold my beer; I'll fix'er right up.



Silly youngster, some water pumps need grease.


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 4 | Great Post 1


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## rocky1

I'm not gonna name names, y'all will just have to draw your own conclusions!!

Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415

I can relate to this .. if language not allowed please remove .. thanks

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 121425



Dude, if you were outside my shop taking pictures you could've at least said hi!!!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 5


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 4 | Great Post 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 121465


How very true


----------



## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 6


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## kweinert



Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415

Guess he doesn't believe in catch and release ...


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## kweinert

woodman6415 said:


> Guess he doesn't believe in catch and release ...
> View attachment 121484



Gonna need a bigger truck . . .

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415

kweinert said:


> Gonna need a bigger truck . . .



if that's his bait .. I believe your correct

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415




----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6 | Useful 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 2


----------



## Kenbo



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## SENC

Not sure why, but this made me think of @ripjack13 ...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13

SENC said:


> Not sure why, but this made me think of @ripjack13 ...
> 
> View attachment 121539



You're just imagining yourself with a mohawk like I had.....

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


----------



## Bigdrowdy1



Reactions: Funny 3


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## SENC



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## rocky1

It'd be funnier if it wasn't so true!!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 8 | Sincere 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 6


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## rocky1



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13

@Don Ratcliff found an umbrella...

Reactions: Funny 5 | Useful 1


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## ripjack13

Life hacks made easy...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13




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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> @Don Ratcliff found an umbrella...
> 
> View attachment 121661


You turn that the wrong way and it doubles as a prostate exam...

Reactions: Funny 3 | Creative 1


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## Tony



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1 | Useful 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Blueglass

Splitting a massive Eucalyptus cant.

Reactions: Funny 1 | Way Cool 5


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## Don Ratcliff

What do you call a fish with two knees?

A tunee fish...

Reactions: Funny 4


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## DKMD

Don Ratcliff said:


> What do you call a fish with two knees?
> 
> A tunee fish...



The mainland has changed you...

Boo hiss!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


----------



## woodtickgreg

DKMD said:


> The mainland has changed you...
> 
> Boo hiss!


Yup, he's 5 again, lol. Then again I think I am most of the time too.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Don Ratcliff

DKMD said:


> The mainland has changed you...
> 
> Boo hiss!





woodtickgreg said:


> Yup, hes 5 again, lol. Then again I think I am most of the time too.



It's been a rough couple weeks and we will leave it at that. This was the most humor I could muster to let everyone know I'm still here.

Reactions: Like 3 | Thank You! 1 | Sincere 5


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> It's been a rough couple weeks and we will leave it at that. This was the most humor I could muster to let everyone know I'm still here.



Hang in there Don! If you go away, who will we have to pick on?????????

Reactions: Agree 1 | Sincere 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 121823



@Bean_counter

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mr. Peet

Don, what was that other one? Two things you can't tune, can't tune a banjo, can't tuna fish.....

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> Hang in there Don! If you go away, who will we have to pick on?????????


I guess that would fall back to you dork...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> I guess that would fall back to you dork...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Bean_counter

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 121823



Watch it now Bucko

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415

Bean_counter said:


> Watch it now Bucko



Haha funny thing is you know it's true ...

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> Haha funny thing is you know it's true ...



The best one I've heard is you can across the whole town standing flatfooted in the street, and if you stand on a tuna can you see the back of your head. Tony

Reactions: Like 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> The best one I've heard is you can across the whole town standing flatfooted in the street, and if you stand on a tuna can you see the back of your head. Tony


You guys know the earth is not really flat?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Clay3063



Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


----------



## wombat



Reactions: Funny 6


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## rocky1

That's not funny... Canadians have seen a mass influx of illegals entering the country since Trump took office. They had 92 souls brave the weather and attempt crossings on foot, that have turned themselves in at border checkpoints, seeking a heater! At least 2 have lost fingers and toes to frostbite. However, that 92 seeking asylum in Canada in the last month has exceeded the total for all of 2016.

They're having a crisis up there.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415

Don Ratcliff said:


> You guys know the earth is not really flat?



It is in west Texas ... flat as a pancake

Reactions: Agree 2


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## SENC

Don Ratcliff said:


> You guys know the earth is not really flat?


Turners get it. Only the flatworkers and  remain confused.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2


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## Tony

SENC said:


> Turners get it. Only the flatworkers and  remain confused.



HEY!!!!

I laughed and was offended at the same time.......

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415

On Tony's side of San Antonio

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 9 | Way Cool 1


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 4


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## rocky1



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 11


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3 | Sincere 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 4


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 3


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 5 | Great Post 2 | Funny 3


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## SENC

The modern dilemma...

Reactions: Funny 7


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## SENC

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last
oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00..
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.




Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can
to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan
full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
yard instead of taking it back to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along
with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt
into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag
used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992)
in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00

-- But you know the job was done right

Reactions: Funny 7 | +Karma 2


----------



## Don Ratcliff

SENC said:


> Oil Change instructions for Women:
> 
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last
> oil change.
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
> vehicle.
> 
> Money spent:
> Oil Change $20.00
> Coffee $1.00
> Total $21.00
> 
> 
> Oil Change instructions for Men:
> 
> 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
> filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
> $50.00..
> 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
> home.
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
> 
> 
> 
> Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
> Cuss.
> 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
> Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
> 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
> twist off.
> 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
> everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can
> to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
> 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
> change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
> 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan
> full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
> yard instead of taking it back to recycle.
> 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
> 20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
> 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
> 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
> surface.
> 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
> 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along
> with drain plug.
> 27) Drink beer.
> 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt
> into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
> ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
> 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
> litter on oil spill.
> 30) Drink beer.
> 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag
> used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
> plug and bang knuckles on frame.
> 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
> 33) Begin cussing fit.
> 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
> 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992)
> in the left boob.
> 36) Beer.
> 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
> 38) Beer.
> 39) Beer.
> 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> 41) Beer.
> 42) Lower car from jack stands.
> 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
> 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
> steps 23 - 43.
> 45) Beer.
> 46) Test drive car.
> 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
> 48) Car gets impounded.
> 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
> 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
> 
> Money spent:
> Parts $50.00
> DUI $2500.00
> Impound fee $75.00
> Bail $1500.00
> Beer $40.00
> Total-- $4165.00
> 
> -- But you know the job was done right



I don't drink so it only costs me a smidgen over double...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 3 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 10


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## woodtickgreg

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 122071


Shouldn't that be mardi grass?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 8 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 3


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## Clay3063

woodtickgreg said:


> Shouldn't that be mardi grass?



Nah. This would be Mardi Grass.

Reactions: Funny 8


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2


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## Wildthings

I'm stealing that picture!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


----------



## Brink

I joined a pistol club.

Drank all night, pistol morning.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415




----------



## woodman6415

Palm Tree

Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 5


----------



## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 11


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## woodman6415

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 122276


Took me a couple of minutes

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Steve Walker

Me too.

But I will bet that it's gonna HAVE to be explained to somebody.


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Steve Walker said:


> Me too.
> 
> But I will bet that it's gonna HAVE to be explained to somebody.


Boys have a penis, girls have vaginas... I hope this clears it up so nobody has to be embarrassed by asking...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1 | Informative 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 122276


It does kind of make you rethink using "Flaming box, Elder"...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

Mainland has a strange way of spelling coconut...

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Steve Walker

WAY TO GO DON!!!
Here I was, waiting to see who the sucker was who would have to ask, and YOU go and give it away. SHEESH

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

Steve Walker said:


> WAY TO GO DON!!!
> Here I was, waiting to see who the sucker was who would have to ask, and YOU go and give it away. SHEESH


Let me save you the suspense...
@Tclem @Tony and I'm not entirely convinced @Mike1950 realized what he was posting...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Great Post 2 | Funny 1


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## Tclem

Now days some are not sure what they are no matter what they have

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

Tclem said:


> Now days some are not sure what they are no matter what they have



That's Dam sure the truth. I have given up saying Sir and Ma'am because all too often I am wrong.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> That's Dam sure the truth. I have given up saying Sir and Ma'am because all to often I am wrong.


I would think with your umm... perspective and direct field of vision mistakes would seldom be made....

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Brink

Don Ratcliff said:


> Boys have a penis, girls have vaginas... I hope this clears it up so nobody has to be embarrassed by asking...



No pics, no proof...

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Don Ratcliff

Brink said:


> No pics, no proof...


Stoopid monkey...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> I would think with your umm... perspective and direct field of vision mistakes would seldom be made....



I gotta admit, that there is funny stuff!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Brink

Don Ratcliff said:


> Stoopid monkey...
> 
> View attachment 122281



Door and a door.?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

Brink said:


> Door and a door.?


@Steve Walker see if didn't ruin anything...


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike1950

Don Ratcliff said:


> Let me save you the suspense...
> @Tclem @Tony and I'm not entirely convinced @Mike1950 realized what he was posting...


Whatever but I know what I am posting here- Damn pups!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## Spinartist

@Jus1mokut

Reactions: Funny 6 | Sincere 1


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## Spinartist

Mike1950 said:


> Whatever but I know what I am posting here- Damn pups!!!
> 
> View attachment 122305




Brink riding shotgun??

Reactions: Funny 1


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## wombat

One for the ladies.... A true Texan!!

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 1


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## Bigdrowdy1



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415

wombat said:


> One for the ladies.... A true Texan!!View attachment 122321


Not enough guns to ba a true Texan ... must be one of those yankee wannabes ..

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 11


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## ripjack13

woodman6415 said:


> Not enough guns to ba a true Texan ... must be one of those yankee wannabes ..



And....most of you old foggies didn't notice the Playstation Guitar Hero, guitars there....

That makes it even more funny....

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## woodtickgreg

wombat said:


> One for the ladies.... A true Texan!!
> 
> View attachment 122321


OWE! MY EYES!

Reactions: Agree 3


----------



## Spinartist

ripjack13 said:


> And....most of you old foggies didn't notice the Playstation Guitar Hero, guitars there....
> 
> That makes it even more funny....




& the prison cot he's sittin on.

Reactions: Like 1


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## woodman6415

Going to gross you guys out but another use for a chainsaw

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 2 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


----------



## ClintW



Reactions: Funny 6


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 10 | +Karma 1


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415

Would be time to pack the bags

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3 | Sincere 1


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 122434


And delicious

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Clay3063

Two fish were in a tank.

One fish turned to the other and said,

"You man the guns and I'll drive!"

Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6


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## JR Parks

Don Ratcliff said:


> And delicious


Gotta love that musubi!!!!!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an
Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas
somewhere.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. (I know, a tear is coming to my eye too)

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife
and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

Reactions: Great Post 4 | Funny 7


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

Driving to southern mo over the weekend I saw this place... there is something off about it.... just can't put my finger on it...

Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7 | Informative 1


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## Don Ratcliff

Spinartist said:


>


Nope!


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


----------



## David Van Asperen

A 6 legged dog?

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Great Post 1


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## woodman6415

David Van Asperen said:


> A 6 legged dog?


Dang tall one too ..

Reactions: Agree 1


----------



## Mr. Peet

Don Ratcliff said:


> Driving to southern mo over the weekend I saw this place... there is something off about it.... just can't put my finger on it...
> 
> View attachment 122532


No big deal Don, my wife doesn't let me put a finger on it either. So, did you stop at the _'Furniture Deals'_ store?

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

Mr. Peet said:


> No big deal Don, my wife doesn't let me put a finger on it either. So, did you stop at the _'Furniture Deals'_ store?


 Sorry to hear that... 

we have spent a small fortune at Nebraska furniture mart already so no reason to stop...


----------



## ripjack13

Spinartist said:


>



Hey good looking, how abouoooooh my god! My eyes!!!!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## JR Parks

How is your day going- (not Wendell)


----------



## JR Parks



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 2


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 1 | Sincere 1 | Creative 1 | Useful 1


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5 | Informative 1


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 8


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2 | Useful 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 8


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5 | Way Cool 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415

If me and @Tony go to one of the protest that happen every week here in San Antonio

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


----------



## Bigdrowdy1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 6


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 4


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7 | Informative 1


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 3


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## rocky1




----------



## Tony

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 122625

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 122619


Goofball, I give free skydiving lessons with free chutes... I'm like a boy scout when it comes to your buffoonery...

(That was funny though, especially the short joke one)

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415

For sale on Facebook

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 4


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> For sale on Facebook
> 
> 
> View attachment 122635


Texans...

Reactions: Funny 2


----------



## Schroedc

woodman6415 said:


> For sale on Facebook
> 
> 
> View attachment 122635



@DKMD - Can you show us how to correctly use that thing?


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Schroedc said:


> @DKMD - Can you show us how to correctly use that thing?

Reactions: Agree 3


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## ripjack13

woodman6415 said:


> For sale on Facebook
> 
> 
> View attachment 122635


I just sent that pic to my wife... I told her I found a good scoop finally...
I think she's going to slap me when she gets home....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415

Don Ratcliff said:


> Texans...


 
I bet @Don Ratcliff has one .. and has used it ...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## DKMD

Schroedc said:


> @DKMD - Can you show us how to correctly use that thing?



Not my day job... that's just a hobby for me

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> I bet @Don Ratcliff has one .. and has used it ...


You will never know...


----------



## woodman6415

Don Ratcliff said:


> You will never know...



Nor do I want to

Reactions: +Karma 1


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> Nor do I want to


But you thought about it...


----------



## woodman6415

Don Ratcliff said:


> But you thought about it...



I'm Texan my thoughts wonder constantly...


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 4


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## Clay3063




----------



## Clay3063

:)


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Great Post 3 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## vegas urban lumber

woodman6415 said:


> For sale on Facebook
> 
> 
> View attachment 122635



any of you who need such an item can let me know. AKA a duckbill puppet. yours free for the cost of shipping. i do a lot of medical equipment scrap and i have a whole box of these and other various unmentionables tools

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415

vegas urban lumber said:


> any of you who need such an item can let me know. yours free for the cost of shipping. i do a lot of medical equipment scrap and i have a whole box of these and other various unmentionables tools



Think I'll pass

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## DKMD

vegas urban lumber said:


> any of you who need such an item can let me know. AKA a duckbill puppet. yours free for the cost of shipping. i do a lot of medical equipment scrap and i have a whole box of these and other various unmentionables tools



You mean there are people who don't already have them?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## wombat

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 122674




Ha Ha loved it!! I got into trouble when my Mom found a packet of tic tacs. It took me half an hour to get her to try one!!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Bigdrowdy1

ONE SUNDAY MORNING, THE PRIEST NOTICED LITTLE ALEX STANDING IN THE FOYER OF THE CHURCH STARING UP AT A LARGE PLAQUE. IT WAS COVERED WITH NAMES WITH SMALL U.S.A. FLAGS MOUNTED ON EITHER SIDE OF IT.

THE SEVEN YEAR OLD HAD BEEN STARING AT THE PLAQUE FOR SOME TIME, SO THE PRIEST WALKED UP, STOOD BESIDE THE LITTLE BOY, AND SAID QUIETLY, "GOOD MORNING ALEX."

"GOOD MORNING FATHER," HE REPLIED, STILL FOCUSED ON THE PLAQUE. "FATHER, WHAT IS THIS?" HE ASKED THE PRIEST.

...
THE PRIEST SAID, "WELL, SON, IT'S A MEMORIAL TO ALL THE YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN WHO DIED IN THE SERVICE."

SOBERLY, THEY JUST STOOD TOGETHER, STARING AT THE LARGE PLAQUE.

FINALLY, LITTLE ALEX'S VOICE, BARELY AUDIBLE AND TREMBLING WITH FEAR, ASKED, "WHICH SERVICE, THE 9:00 OR THE 11:00?"

Reactions: Funny 10


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 1


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 6


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 4 | Useful 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3


----------



## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


----------



## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 2 | +Karma 1


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 3


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 5


----------



## Fsyxxx



Reactions: Funny 12


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 122953



@Bean_counter, seems like something yours would do!!

Reactions: Agree 1


----------



## Bean_counter

Tony said:


> @Bean_counter, seems like something yours would do!!


That has Levi all over it.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike1950

It would be funny if it was not real

Reactions: Agree 5 | Great Post 4 | Funny 1 | Sincere 1


----------



## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Schroedc

Mike1950 said:


> It would be funny if it was not real
> 
> View attachment 123037



As long as it doesn't pump 140,000 gallons of diesel out....

http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-...peline-leaks-nearly-140-000-gallons-of-diesel


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2


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## rocky1

Mike1950 said:


> It would be funny if it was not real
> 
> View attachment 123037



That situation is so ludicrous and hypocritical it isn't even remotely funny!! The only bright spot in that whole deal is, the tribe supported this, and after all the problems the protestors caused, and trying to burn the concrete bridge down last summer, therein causing some structural damage, everyone quit going to the casino. Revenues at the casino were down over $6 million for the last quarter of 2016.

Reports have suggested over a half million pounds of debris, and over 200 cars abandoned.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Mike1950

Schroedc said:


> As long as it doesn't pump 140,000 gallons of diesel out....
> 
> http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/01/26/511636325/its-a-big-one-iowa-pipel





Schroedc said:


> As long as it doesn't pump 140,000 gallons of diesel out....
> 
> http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-...peline-leaks-nearly-140-000-gallons-of-diesel



to put above in proper perspective- a couple of truck stops full leaked. http://www.atlasoil.com/Blog/Fuel-storage-capacity-at-service-stations
we have 100's of thousands of miles of pipelines. Most have one coming to their house- almost none of those folks are objecting to pipelines by trashing and crapping in their yard. nor are they turning the valve and shutting off the line to their home.
all permits were in for this line- it is all built- indians and all agencies signed off- the pipeline owner has spent 2 billion and we change the game rules when last short section is to be completed... Not right.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Schroedc

Mike1950 said:


> to put above in proper perspective- a couple of truck stops full leaked. http://www.atlasoil.com/Blog/Fuel-storage-capacity-at-service-stations
> we have 100's of thousands of miles of pipelines. Most have one coming to their house- almost none of those folks are objecting to pipelines by trashing and crapping in their yard. nor are they turning the valve and shutting off the line to their home.
> all permits were in for this line- it is all built- indians and all agencies signed off- the pipeline owner has spent 2 billion and we change the game rules when last short section is to be completed... Not right.



Then why didn't they keep the original route that had it cross the river just north of Bismark, ND? I'm not a raving tree hugger but find it a bit of a double standard that the citizens of Bismark object and it gets moved but other folks are supposed to just let it go through.


----------



## Mike1950

Schroedc said:


> Then why didn't they keep the original route that had it cross the river just north of Bismark, ND? I'm not a raving tree hugger but find it a bit of a double standard that the citizens of Bismark object and it gets moved but other folks are supposed to just let it go through.



I will find out why but pipelines are considerably safer then trains. Look into who Owns BNI- which party he supports and how much he makes every year on shipping this and keystone pipeline oil (2 billion is what he nets) and the political quagmire gets more obvious.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950

Mike1950 said:


> I will find out why but pipelines are considerably safer then trains. Look into who Owns BNI- which party he supports and how much he makes every year on shipping this and keystone pipeline oil (2 billion is what he nets) and the political quagmire gets more obvious.



And to take it further- Nobody- and I mean NOBODY is trashing the trains- tracks- bridges Nor hardly do train spills get in the news. Ironic. Kinda like if one of those oil companies kill an Eagle it costs them 10's of thousands but when the windmills slaughter them we get........................ silence. https://www.forbes.com/sites/davidb...parting-shots-at-eagles-and-oil/#615e870b6dd2 I hate double standards- usually not effective use of resources and does not find best solution. does line certain folks pockets and wastes money though...

Reactions: Agree 2


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## woodtickgreg

Everybody likes gas for their car, but as long as it's not in their backyard they don't care where it comes from.

Reactions: Agree 1


----------



## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Don Ratcliff

You know who you are, I don't have to tag you this time.

Reactions: Funny 5 | Informative 1


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> You know who you are, I don't have to tag you this time.
> 
> View attachment 123080

Reactions: Agree 1


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


>


You two are at the top of the list. Lol


----------



## rocky1

I'm just glad you left me out of it this time!!


----------



## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> I'm just glad you left me out of it this time!!


For you... really, try it. .

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Schroedc

Don Ratcliff said:


> For you... really, try it. .
> 
> View attachment 123089



Really need to run some tape around the bottom of the bag and his neck to keep stuff out!!!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


----------



## Mike Mills



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 2


----------



## Tony

A man received a message from his neighbor. 

"Sorry sir, I am using your wife, day and night, when you are not present at home. In fact, much more than you do...I confess this now because I feel deeply guilty.

I hope you will accept my sincere apologies."

The man shot the wife...

A few minutes later he received another message:

"F.........g autocorrect: wifi, not wife."

Reactions: Funny 6


----------



## Mike Mills

Just some church signs...

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


----------



## SENC



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 2


----------



## phinds



Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 1


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## Clay3063

"Momma said my magic shoes would take me anywhere"

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike1950

been a very long day- just a little tree humor.... mother nature and her tricks

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Don Ratcliff

Clay3063 said:


> "Momma said my magic shoes would take me anywhere"
> 
> View attachment 123250


I think that lady has a sister living on maui.

Reactions: Funny 2


----------



## Clay3063

Don Ratcliff said:


> I think that lady has a sister living on maui.



Probably. Thus the age old adage, "There's one in every crowd."

Reactions: Agree 1


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## rocky1

I'm not naming names, but I'm sure someone around here mighta used this excuse before!

Reactions: Funny 9


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3 | Great Post 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 6


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 3


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## Erin O'Toole

Did you know that Matthew McConaughey's car won't make left turns? 
It goes all right all right all right

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Bigdrowdy1

*A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.*
*When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was hammered for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.*
*Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”*
*Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.*
*Come Thursday, and the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.*

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mike Mills



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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Mills



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## woodman6415

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 123431


Hate grits

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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## David Van Asperen

Kardashion peach ?

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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 5


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## Mike1950

All those beautiful Art Deco buildings....

Reactions: Sincere 2


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## Mike Mills

woodman6415 said:


> Hate grits



Bet you are a cream of wheat person..
Can almost taste the goodness now...shrimp and cream of wheat...or cheddar cheese cream of wheat at a fish fry. Yum

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 4


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## Mike1950

Houston we have a problem....... Orville dam spillway.....


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## woodman6415

Mike Mills said:


> Bet you are a cream of wheat person..
> Can almost taste the goodness now...shrimp and cream of wheat...or cheddar cheese cream of wheat at a fish fry. Yum


Nope just white rice for me ...shrimp and rice ... hush puppies at a fish fry ... are you nuts ?

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

I love grits, but for a fish fry it's got to be hush puppies. Tony


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## Mike Mills

woodman6415 said:


> Nope just white rice for me ...shrimp and rice ... hush puppies at a fish fry ... are you nuts ?


I hope you guys realize that cream of wheat with almost anything is a tongue-in-cheek remark.
I agree with hush puppies at a fish fry. One of the four staples; fish, hush puppies, cole slaw, and cheese grits.

Tony try a lot of extra sharp cheddar melted in your grits sometime. Cheese grits do not involve parmesan, feta, or other cheeses (just in case some folks don't know that).
I even like fried grits from leftovers the next morning.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4


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## Clay3063

Mike Mills said:


> I hope you guys realize that cream of wheat with almost anything is a tongue-in-cheek remark.
> I agree with hush puppies at a fish fry. One of the four staples; fish, hush puppies, cole slaw, and cheese grits.
> 
> Tony try a lot of extra sharp cheddar melted in your grits sometime. Cheese grits do not involve parmesan, feta, or other cheeses (just in case some folks don't know that).
> I even like fried grits from leftovers the next morning.




I like grits. Especially cheese grits. And Especially plain grits with butter and salt and pepper and pan sausage and eggs and toast and honey or blackberry Jam. Sometimes I just like grits and sausage. And sometimes I like grits and bacon.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## rocky1

That board came from @Tony 's shop, it's looked like that since he first sat it on the bench!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Don Ratcliff

At the gym doing shoulder shrugs, eye rolls and Captain crunches.

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## Mike Mills



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 123577


This is why you don't use soy milk people...

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## woodman6415



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## phinds

President Trump was taken on a tour of the Keystone Pipeline area in a small private plane by a friend of his. On his return he commented on how friendly all the waving Native Americans had seemed. “They love me”, he said.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## kweinert

http://www.theonion.com/graphic/carhartt-introduces-rugged-work-thong-9655

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## Schroedc



Reactions: Agree 11 | Funny 1


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## Tony

kweinert said:


> http://www.theonion.com/graphic/carhartt-introduces-rugged-work-thong-9655



That's truly disturbing Ken.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Agree 7


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## Wildthings

Good Lawdy Ken! That's not you is it????

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Don Ratcliff

@Tclem

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## ripjack13

Schroedc said:


> View attachment 123629



PUSH IT FASTER!!!!!!!!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> PUSH IT FASTER!!!!!!!!



That's what she said!!!!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Spinartist

*Treating a Black Eye
*
*A black eye (periorbital hematoma) or 'shiner' (colloquial) is bruising around the eye commonly due to an injury to the face rather than an eye injury. The name is given due to the color of bruising. The so-called black eye is caused by bleeding beneath the skin around the eye. Sometimes a black eye indicates a more extensive injury, even a skull fracture, particularly if the area around both eyes is bruised (raccoon eyes) or if there has been a head injury...*




*For years, the conventional wisdom has been that the best 
treatment for a black eye is to cover it with a piece of raw meat.

Scientific studies have proven that while the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process, applying cold meat actually delays the recovery of the broken blood vessels that cause the bruising around the orbital socket, while frozen meat may cause superficial thermal burns to the skin.

These same studies demonstrated that application of warm and tender meat is much more effective in helping the eyes recover from the damage because the bruising isn't compounded by thermal shock.

Therefore, the next time you get a black eye, try this method:


 
Administer treatment until pain and swelling are gone.
Caution: This method may cause swelling in other areas. 
For most old guys  the swelling will be minimal - therefore it is not expected that this method will be dangerous for you.
No need to thank me. 
I forward this in the interest of better health for Old Farts everywhere.*

Reactions: Like 2 | Thank You! 2 | EyeCandy! 1 | Great Post 1 | Creative 1


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## woodman6415

Spinartist said:


> *ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
> MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
> 
> What if said cure gave you the black eyes to start with ?? Go back to the cold meat method and don't make the cure mad again *
> 
> *Treating a Black Eye
> 
> (trust me)*
> *A black eye (periorbital hematoma) or 'shiner' (colloquial) is bruising around the eye commonly due to an injury to the face rather than an eye injury. The name is given due to the color of bruising. The so-called black eye is caused by bleeding beneath the skin around the eye. Sometimes a black eye indicates a more extensive injury, even a skull fracture, particularly if the area around both eyes is bruised (raccoon eyes) or if there has been a head injury...*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *For years, the conventional wisdom has been that the best
> treatment for a black eye is to cover it with a piece of raw meat.
> 
> Scientific studies have proven that while the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process, applying cold meat actually delays the recovery of the broken blood vessels that cause the bruising around the orbital socket, while frozen meat may cause superficial thermal burns to the skin.
> 
> These same studies demonstrated that application of warm and tender meat is much more effective in helping the eyes recover from the damage because the bruising isn't compounded by thermal shock.
> 
> Therefore, the next time you get a black eye, try this method:
> View attachment 123656
> Administer treatment until pain and swelling are gone.
> Caution: This method may cause swelling in other areas.
> For most old guys the swelling will be minimal - therefore it is not expected that this method will be dangerous for you.
> No need to thank me.
> I forward this in the interest of better health for Old Farts everywhere.*

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



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## woodman6415

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 123693


See above post about black eyes

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## rocky1

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 123692



My father told the office manager to order him one of those nifty little finger tip moisteners awhile back for counting money. Said he was licking the tip of his finger until he noticed it frequently came up smelling like perfume, and he'd just come from town one day where he said he encountered some fat black gal, with WAAAAAY to much perfume on, and she reached in her bra and pulled out her money at the store. Said he didn't even want to think about where that money might have been anymore after that experience, and one of them little finger moistening devices would afford him great comfort sitting on his desk.


On the other end of that deal... Where do they think guys that hand them moist bills out of there pockets keep them?!


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## Tony

rocky1 said:


> My father told the office manager to order him one of those nifty little finger tip moisteners awhile back for counting money. Said he was licking the tip of his finger until he noticed it frequently came up smelling like perfume, and he'd just come from town one day where he said he encountered some fat black gal, with WAAAAAY to perfume on, and she reached in her bra and pulled out her money at the store. Said he didn't even want to think about where that money might have been anymore after that experience, and one of them little finger moistening devices would afford him great comfort sitting on his desk.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Sincere 1


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## kweinert

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 123694



Having just had a 6 AM teleconference I heartily agree!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Sincere 1


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## Brink

My girlfriend says I'm a creepy stalker.
But what does she know?
She's not even aware she's my girlfriend, yet.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## ripjack13

Brink said:


> My girlfriend says I'm a creepy stalker.
> But what does she know?
> She's not even aware she's my girlfriend, yet.



Does your wife know you have a girlfriend? And....does your wife even know she's married to you?

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## phinds



Reactions: Like 4


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## Spinartist

rocky1 said:


> My father told the office manager to order him one of those nifty little finger tip moisteners awhile back for counting money. Said he was licking the tip of his finger until he noticed it frequently came up smelling like perfume, and he'd just come from town one day where he said he encountered some fat black gal, with WAAAAAY to much perfume on, and she reached in her bra and pulled out her money at the store. Said he didn't even want to think about where that money might have been anymore after that experience, and one of them little finger moistening devices would afford him great comfort sitting on his desk.
> 
> 
> On the other end of that deal... Where do they think guys that hand them moist bills out of there pockets keep them?!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## rocky1

Never wondered about it, but I might have left it there!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950

@Don Ratcliff Try these you will love them- lots of fiber..

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 10


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## Don Ratcliff

Mike1950 said:


> @Don Ratcliff Try these you will love them- lots of fiber..
> 
> View attachment 123891


Perhaps when I'm a thousand years old I too will worry about my fiber intake. Until then I'll stick to a "corn dog" free diet...

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Don Ratcliff said:


> Perhaps when I'm a thousand years old I too will worry about my fiber intake. Until then I'll stick to a "corn dog" free diet...



I can send some if you wanna try em. Fresh is always better....


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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> I can send some if you wanna try em. Fresh is always better....


Nope, I'm good... but between you and me, I think Mike is loosing it... those are not really corn dogs... shhh, play along with him, I called his wife and she will sneak his meds in his breakfast...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Are you sure? Michele lets me eat them every spring....thats when they are in season. They taste better with hot sauce...but you have to soak em a bunch....


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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> Are you sure? Michele lets me eat them every spring....thats when they are in season. They taste better with hot sauce...but you have to soak em a bunch....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Clay3063

Gonna make a change in direction with my woodworking. Something easier. Less demanding. More in line with the "back to the basics" movement. And less likely to mess up...

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415

@Brink

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

@Tclem @rocky1 

This for some recommendations makes me think of you two guys...

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Tclem

Don Ratcliff said:


> @Tclem @rocky1
> 
> This for some recommendations makes me think of you two guys...
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 123905


I can't block you from any sites aghhhhh

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Schroedc

Clay3063 said:


> More in line with the "back to the basics" movement....View attachment 123899



There will be a movement but using that paper I don't think it will be very basic....

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 9 | Funny 2


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## Spinartist

Don Ratcliff said:


> @Tclem @rocky1
> 
> This for some recommendations makes me think of you two guys...
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 123905




Ohhh. we have lots of manatees here!! I always wondered why there were so many bubbles following them!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## rocky1

They're kinda interesting critters, that really wouldn't surprise me in the least. Typically scare hell out of the tourists, but they're docile and wouldn't harm a water flea. Lots of folks down here have concrete manatees for mailbox posts, which look kinda cool standing out there holding the mailbox with their little flippers and a big smile on their chubby little faces. And, occasionally you will find a seamstress with a sense of humor that designs clothes for them. There is one such old gal along State Road 13 north of Hastings a ways that has outfits sewn up for about every holiday I think. Dresses him up like Santa at Christmas, has a pilgrim outfit on him at Thanksgiving, bunny outfit at Easter. It's hilarious!! And, cool as hell at the same time!

Tried googling it, but the only outfit they had pictured on Google was one dressed up like a Kansas CITY - Islander transplant...

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Spinartist

rocky1 said:


> They're kinda interesting critters, that really wouldn't surprise me in the least. Typically scare hell out of the tourists, but they're docile and wouldn't harm a water flea. Lots of folks down here have concrete manatees for mailbox posts, which look kinda cool standing out there holding the mailbox with their little flippers and a big smile on their chubby little faces. And, occasionally you will find a seamstress with a sense of humor that designs clothes for them. There is one such old gal along State Road 13 north of Hastings a ways that has outfits sewn up for about every holiday I think. Dresses him up like Santa at Christmas, has a pilgrim outfit on him at Thanksgiving, bunny outfit at Easter. It's hilarious!! And, cool as hell at the same time!
> 
> Tried googling it, but the only outfit they had pictured on Google was one dressed up like a Kansas Islander transplant...
> 
> View attachment 123953




Now that right there is FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You mean Kansas City, Mo!??!


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## rocky1

There fixed it!!


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> They're kinda interesting critters, that really wouldn't surprise me in the least. Typically scare hell out of the tourists, but they're docile and wouldn't harm a water flea. Lots of folks down here have concrete manatees for mailbox posts, which look kinda cool standing out there holding the mailbox with their little flippers and a big smile on their chubby little faces. And, occasionally you will find a seamstress with a sense of humor that designs clothes for them. There is one such old gal along State Road 13 north of Hastings a ways that has outfits sewn up for about every holiday I think. Dresses him up like Santa at Christmas, has a pilgrim outfit on him at Thanksgiving, bunny outfit at Easter. It's hilarious!! And, cool as hell at the same time!
> 
> Tried googling it, but the only outfit they had pictured on Google was one dressed up like a Kansas CITY - Islander transplant...
> 
> View attachment 123953


You hush!




That was funny tho...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 124036

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415

Applies to woodworking also

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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | EyeCandy! 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13

*The 50 states, according to @Don Ratcliff 

Alabama* is a fat guy with a goatee, wearing a camo jacket and a trucker hat. Despite his drunkenness and outwards appearance of being a racist redneck, he is actually pretty nice to everyone at the bar. He’s drinking a can of Budweiser.

*Alaska* and *Nebraska* would just be 20 drinks in before even showing up to the bar.

*Arizona* is the bouncer, kicking Mexicans out who are trying to get in from the bar across the street. Ironically, he’s drinking Tecate.

*Arkansas* is drinking straight whiskey and asking people if they want to arm wrestle to prove how manly they are.

*California* is constantly buying drinks for others, yet has failing kidneys from lack of hydration.

*Colorado* is a beautiful, perfectly athletic couple wearing all Patagonia, drinking craft beer talking about their last mountaineering trip, with an air of aloofness.

*Connecticut* is a rich white woman sipping a martini and silently judging all the other states.

*Delaware* is that guy who hangs around the outside of the New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland and New Jersey friend-circle, taking occasional sips from his Yuengling and mostly being ignored, except when New York has to go past him to get to the bar.

*Florida* is drinking moonshine while riding an alligator through the orange groves to the local Publix.

*Georgia* will be drinking bud light, wearing a UGA trucker hat, tortoise Costa Del Mar sunglasses with croakies, solid colored Polo shirt, questionably short shorts with a UGA belt, and driving a Z71 with a Browning decal in their rear window (even though he only went hunting twice, in Jr High) and a UGA license plate frame. He went to Valdosta State University, and he works in his dad’s local business.

*Hawaii* is alone in a corner of the bar, away from the other states, drinking a cocktail from a coconut.

*Idaho* is drinking Keystone Light and pretending they are part of the South.

*Illinois* is a larger gentleman, eating deep dish pizza and drinking a Goose Island. He’s reminiscing about the ’85 Bears and how “this is the Cubs year”.

*Indiana* is in line for the toilet, drinking a Budweiser or a Coors, checking out the ladies and thinking about how bullshit it is that you can’t buy alcohol on Sunday.

*Iowa* is sitting next to Illinois, just trying to have someone pay attention to him.

*Kansas* is dressed in a plaid shirt, jeans and clean boots. He’s friendly enough and even buys a round to get the party started. After a few drinks, it’s obvious he feels sorry for Oklahoma, hates Missouri, and is hung up on Colorado. After striking out with California, him and Wisconsin get hammered drunk and sing Country Boy.

*Kentucky* would be drinking bourbon and arguing with anybody who will listen about college basketball.

*Louisiana* is celebrating that lack of open container laws by standing outside of the bar with an Abita Amber or a Sazerac and looking disdainfully at the drinking abilities of all of the other states. “Amateurs.”

*Maine* is wearing an L.L. Bean flannel and drinking Allen’s Coffee Brandy.

*Maryland* is drinking a Chesapeake margarita. Rim lined with Old Bay. He is insisting that everyone try his drink because it’s really good if you just give it a chance, but no one else seems to get it.

*Massachusetts* is in a bar fight with New York over sports.

*Michigan* is drinking some micro brew and playing Euchre while trying to conjure up nice things to say about Detroit.

*Minnesota* is a pleasant guy drinking Summit Extra Pale Ale and will happily buy you one. He’s hanging out with his obnoxious brother-in-law *North Dakota* even though he doesn’t want to but he’s too nice to tell them to bug off.

*Mississippi* is just looking to start a fight with Alabama about who’s less redneck.

*Missouri* is in a drunken argument with Kansas about who gets custody of their strange in-between child – Kansas City.

*Montana* has to be two different people. Eastern Montana is a cowboy drinking Budweiser and gets into a fight with Wyoming over sheep vs. cattle, but this happens every week and they make up afterwards. Western Montana, on the other hand, is a hipster/hippie throwback with dreadlocks who drinks craft beer or PBR and absolutely reeks of marijuana.

*Nevada* is a sketchy, middle-aged balding man chain-smoking cigarettes he pulls from his black leather jacket, rolling dice on the bar counter top and drinking whiskey, straight up.

*New Hampshire* is a skinny, nerdy white guy in a collared shirt and khakis, who also carried in signs for his favorite political candidate. He’s drinking craft beer and getting into philosophical and political discussions with Vermont and Maine, but is open to talk to everyone. He is quick to tell everyone he loves himself, and humbly without arrogance.

*New Jersey* is a man of Italian/Mediterranean descent wearing a wifebeater and track pants. He’s downing jagerbombs and giving people the finger.
New Mexico is the quirky but good-natured one who is getting a bit too wasted with whatever shots the other states buy them because they can’t afford it.
New York is an Italian businessman, wearing an expensive suit, with a perfect haircut and slicked back hair. He is talking down to New Jersey, like a father talking to a son, and he’s drinking scotch.

*New Mexico* is the quirky but good-natured one who is getting a bit too wasted with whatever shots the other states buy them because they can’t afford it.

*New York* is an Italian businessman, wearing an expensive suit, with a perfect haircut and slicked back hair. He is talking down to New Jersey, like a father talking to a son, and he’s drinking scotch.

*North Carolina* is an attractive, bubbly blonde girl of average height with a smoky accent, who’s just graduated from UNC and has taken a job teaching young kids. She is hanging out with South Carolina and Virginia, and she isn’t drinking anything because she just found out she’s pregnant.

*Ohio* is an incredibly average white guy, that’s not out of shape but not in good shape either. He has his sports hat on of his favorite Ohio sports team and is drinking good beer but nothing fancy. He has a family and works in an office. He can’t stop talking about how much he hates himself, but doesn’t leave due to his ties there, and would miss his friends if he left.

*Oklahoma* is an obese couple who have not moved from their spots since sitting down next to Texas. They have on sweatpants, and brought in fast food to eat at the bar. They are drinking Bud Light bottles.

*Oregon* is the hipster drinking the eclectic craft microbrew that nobody’s even heard of.

*Pennsylvania* is a cheery, pretty brunette girl with blue eyes, dressed fairly preppy. She’s drinking Yuengling and making out with a handful of other states.

*Rhode Island* is drinking Narragansett pounders and is sitting on phone books on its barstool.

*South Carolina* is an overly drunk guy in his mid-twenties, wearing preppy pastel clothes, a sports jacket, and pants with little boats embroidered on them. He is talking about what he is going to do with his family’s old money to anyone who listens. He’s drinking an Old Fashioned.

*South Dakota* is an older, in-shape man with long, straight black hair tied in a pony tail. He looks vaguely Native American and sits at the bar carving various little statuettes out of soapstone. He’s wearing a worn leather biker vest and has a colt .45 at his hip, but despite his rough appearance many of his neighbors like Minnesota and Wyoming come over to talk to him and seem to get along quite well, often admiring his handiwork. Other states however don’t seem to notice him much, passing him by without a second thought.

*Tennessee* is drinking Jack Daniels, and watching Nascar.

*Texas* is singing karaoke about how great Texas is.

*Utah* is the designated driver, sipping on water and making sure nobody gets too crazy.

*Vermont* is a guy who brought in his own craft beer from his hometown in Vermont, and stubbornly refuses to try any other beer, but is pretty much friendly to everyone.

*Virginia* is drinking some local craft beer that their friend made at their brewery. They will only talk about all of the fancy craft beer they have drank while complaining about traffic.

*Washington* is a pale girl, very quiet and reluctant to be friendly to anyone except Oregon. She has glasses and a couple books, and isn’t drinking because she’s enjoying a cup of coffee she got from her favorite place on the way here. She loves hiking with her boyfriend and watching indie movies and documentaries on Netflix. She suddenly yells at New Jersey for throwing a napkin on the floor and not in the correct recycling bin.

*West Virginia* is downin’ enough bud light to float a battleship, and talking nostalgically of the days when copper prices were higher.

*Wisconsin* is drinking New Glarus while eating cheese curds, and is probably about 5-6 beers ahead of everyone else.

*Wyoming* would be on the roof with a rifle, muttering conspiracy theories about black helicopters.

*Bonus*… Puerto Rico is standing outside staring through the window, wishing it could join the party.

*Bonus #2*… Washington D.C. is the bartender since it’s not a state but is essential for the whole thing to keep running. Plus everyone loves it when they need something and hates it when they don’t.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> *The 50 states, according to @Don Ratcliff
> 
> Alabama* is a fat guy with a goatee, wearing a camo jacket and a trucker hat. Despite his drunkenness and outwards appearance of being a racist redneck, he is actually pretty nice to everyone at the bar. He’s drinking a can of Budweiser.
> 
> *Alaska* and *Nebraska* would just be 20 drinks in before even showing up to the bar.
> 
> *Arizona* is the bouncer, kicking Mexicans out who are trying to get in from the bar across the street. Ironically, he’s drinking Tecate.
> 
> *Arkansas* is drinking straight whiskey and asking people if they want to arm wrestle to prove how manly they are.
> 
> *California* is constantly buying drinks for others, yet has failing kidneys from lack of hydration.
> 
> *Colorado* is a beautiful, perfectly athletic couple wearing all Patagonia, drinking craft beer talking about their last mountaineering trip, with an air of aloofness.
> 
> *Connecticut* is a rich white woman sipping a martini and silently judging all the other states.
> 
> *Delaware* is that guy who hangs around the outside of the New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland and New Jersey friend-circle, taking occasional sips from his Yuengling and mostly being ignored, except when New York has to go past him to get to the bar.
> 
> *Florida* is drinking moonshine while riding an alligator through the orange groves to the local Publix.
> 
> *Georgia* will be drinking bud light, wearing a UGA trucker hat, tortoise Costa Del Mar sunglasses with croakies, solid colored Polo shirt, questionably short shorts with a UGA belt, and driving a Z71 with a Browning decal in their rear window (even though he only went hunting twice, in Jr High) and a UGA license plate frame. He went to Valdosta State University, and he works in his dad’s local business.
> 
> *Hawaii* is alone in a corner of the bar, away from the other states, drinking a cocktail from a coconut.
> 
> *Idaho* is drinking Keystone Light and pretending they are part of the South.
> 
> *Illinois* is a larger gentleman, eating deep dish pizza and drinking a Goose Island. He’s reminiscing about the ’85 Bears and how “this is the Cubs year”.
> 
> *Indiana* is in line for the toilet, drinking a Budweiser or a Coors, checking out the ladies and thinking about how bullshit it is that you can’t buy alcohol on Sunday.
> 
> *Iowa* is sitting next to Illinois, just trying to have someone pay attention to him.
> 
> *Kansas* is dressed in a plaid shirt, jeans and clean boots. He’s friendly enough and even buys a round to get the party started. After a few drinks, it’s obvious he feels sorry for Oklahoma, hates Missouri, and is hung up on Colorado. After striking out with California, him and Wisconsin get hammered drunk and sing Country Boy.
> 
> *Kentucky* would be drinking bourbon and arguing with anybody who will listen about college basketball.
> 
> *Louisiana* is celebrating that lack of open container laws by standing outside of the bar with an Abita Amber or a Sazerac and looking disdainfully at the drinking abilities of all of the other states. “Amateurs.”
> 
> *Maine* is wearing an L.L. Bean flannel and drinking Allen’s Coffee Brandy.
> 
> *Maryland* is drinking a Chesapeake margarita. Rim lined with Old Bay. He is insisting that everyone try his drink because it’s really good if you just give it a chance, but no one else seems to get it.
> 
> *Massachusetts* is in a bar fight with New York over sports.
> 
> *Michigan* is drinking some micro brew and playing Euchre while trying to conjure up nice things to say about Detroit.
> 
> *Minnesota* is a pleasant guy drinking Summit Extra Pale Ale and will happily buy you one. He’s hanging out with his obnoxious brother-in-law *North Dakota* even though he doesn’t want to but he’s too nice to tell them to bug off.
> 
> *Mississippi* is just looking to start a fight with Alabama about who’s less redneck.
> 
> *Missouri* is in a drunken argument with Kansas about who gets custody of their strange in-between child – Kansas City.
> 
> *Montana* has to be two different people. Eastern Montana is a cowboy drinking Budweiser and gets into a fight with Wyoming over sheep vs. cattle, but this happens every week and they make up afterwards. Western Montana, on the other hand, is a hipster/hippie throwback with dreadlocks who drinks craft beer or PBR and absolutely reeks of marijuana.
> 
> *Nevada* is a sketchy, middle-aged balding man chain-smoking cigarettes he pulls from his black leather jacket, rolling dice on the bar counter top and drinking whiskey, straight up.
> 
> *New Hampshire* is a skinny, nerdy white guy in a collared shirt and khakis, who also carried in signs for his favorite political candidate. He’s drinking craft beer and getting into philosophical and political discussions with Vermont and Maine, but is open to talk to everyone. He is quick to tell everyone he loves himself, and humbly without arrogance.
> 
> *New Jersey* is a man of Italian/Mediterranean descent wearing a wifebeater and track pants. He’s downing jagerbombs and giving people the finger.
> New Mexico is the quirky but good-natured one who is getting a bit too wasted with whatever shots the other states buy them because they can’t afford it.
> New York is an Italian businessman, wearing an expensive suit, with a perfect haircut and slicked back hair. He is talking down to New Jersey, like a father talking to a son, and he’s drinking scotch.
> 
> *New Mexico* is the quirky but good-natured one who is getting a bit too wasted with whatever shots the other states buy them because they can’t afford it.
> 
> *New York* is an Italian businessman, wearing an expensive suit, with a perfect haircut and slicked back hair. He is talking down to New Jersey, like a father talking to a son, and he’s drinking scotch.
> 
> *North Carolina* is an attractive, bubbly blonde girl of average height with a smoky accent, who’s just graduated from UNC and has taken a job teaching young kids. She is hanging out with South Carolina and Virginia, and she isn’t drinking anything because she just found out she’s pregnant.
> 
> *Ohio* is an incredibly average white guy, that’s not out of shape but not in good shape either. He has his sports hat on of his favorite Ohio sports team and is drinking good beer but nothing fancy. He has a family and works in an office. He can’t stop talking about how much he hates himself, but doesn’t leave due to his ties there, and would miss his friends if he left.
> 
> *Oklahoma* is an obese couple who have not moved from their spots since sitting down next to Texas. They have on sweatpants, and brought in fast food to eat at the bar. They are drinking Bud Light bottles.
> 
> *Oregon* is the hipster drinking the eclectic craft microbrew that nobody’s even heard of.
> 
> *Pennsylvania* is a cheery, pretty brunette girl with blue eyes, dressed fairly preppy. She’s drinking Yuengling and making out with a handful of other states.
> 
> *Rhode Island* is drinking Narragansett pounders and is sitting on phone books on its barstool.
> 
> *South Carolina* is an overly drunk guy in his mid-twenties, wearing preppy pastel clothes, a sports jacket, and pants with little boats embroidered on them. He is talking about what he is going to do with his family’s old money to anyone who listens. He’s drinking an Old Fashioned.
> 
> *South Dakota* is an older, in-shape man with long, straight black hair tied in a pony tail. He looks vaguely Native American and sits at the bar carving various little statuettes out of soapstone. He’s wearing a worn leather biker vest and has a colt .45 at his hip, but despite his rough appearance many of his neighbors like Minnesota and Wyoming come over to talk to him and seem to get along quite well, often admiring his handiwork. Other states however don’t seem to notice him much, passing him by without a second thought.
> 
> *Tennessee* is drinking Jack Daniels, and watching Nascar.
> 
> *Texas* is singing karaoke about how great Texas is.
> 
> *Utah* is the designated driver, sipping on water and making sure nobody gets too crazy.
> 
> *Vermont* is a guy who brought in his own craft beer from his hometown in Vermont, and stubbornly refuses to try any other beer, but is pretty much friendly to everyone.
> 
> *Virginia* is drinking some local craft beer that their friend made at their brewery. They will only talk about all of the fancy craft beer they have drank while complaining about traffic.
> 
> *Washington* is a pale girl, very quiet and reluctant to be friendly to anyone except Oregon. She has glasses and a couple books, and isn’t drinking because she’s enjoying a cup of coffee she got from her favorite place on the way here. She loves hiking with her boyfriend and watching indie movies and documentaries on Netflix. She suddenly yells at New Jersey for throwing a napkin on the floor and not in the correct recycling bin.
> 
> *West Virginia* is downin’ enough bud light to float a battleship, and talking nostalgically of the days when copper prices were higher.
> 
> *Wisconsin* is drinking New Glarus while eating cheese curds, and is probably about 5-6 beers ahead of everyone else.
> 
> *Wyoming* would be on the roof with a rifle, muttering conspiracy theories about black helicopters.
> 
> *Bonus*… Puerto Rico is standing outside staring through the window, wishing it could join the party.
> 
> *Bonus #2*… Washington D.C. is the bartender since it’s not a state but is essential for the whole thing to keep running. Plus everyone loves it when they need something and hates it when they don’t.



Well, ya, pretty accurate. ......


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415

ripjack13 said:


> *Texas* is singing karaoke about how great Texas is.



Don't forget drinking Lone Star beer

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 8


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## rocky1



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415

Just a normal day at @Brink ... nothing to see here

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415

@Maya Ratcliff

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 6


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## ripjack13

I used to be addicted to soap.

I'm all clean now.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13

Q: How do astronomers organize a party?



A: They planet.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds

Ever hear about the hen who couldn't find her eggs? Turns out she had mislayed them.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## phinds

Did you ever get half way through eating a horse and then realize that you really just weren't that hungry after all?


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Spinartist

SENC said:


> View attachment 124096









That's actually a real road sign down here in south Florida... cept it really says "Bicyclists" not runners.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## phinds

SENC said:


>


I must be missing something. Why is this funny?

Reactions: Agree 1


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## SENC

phinds said:


> I must be missing something. Why is this funny?


I was booing the corny jokes you and Marc posted!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1


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## Maya Ratcliff

Tadaaaaa.

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 1


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## Maya Ratcliff

:)

Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415

Q - What's little and green and stuck on your bumper?

A - A Leprechaun who didn't look both ways....

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Spinartist

TEXAS bathroom...

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 5


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## woodtickgreg

That's so you can shoot the flies with the red ryder bb gun while your sitting there.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415

Spinartist said:


> TEXAS bathroom...
> 
> View attachment 124467


Is that a red Ryder 1938 ? Give me a idea for one of mine ....you'll shoot your eye out if not careful ...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415

You know you got a bad hog problem when they start breeding deer.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## Spinartist

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. 
The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' 
She replied,'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.'

Reactions: Funny 12


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 9


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## phinds

Spinartist said:


>


I'm really slow this morning. Had to look at that for a while before it registered. Good one.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Brink



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Don Ratcliff

phinds said:


> I'm really slow this morning. Had to look at that for a while before it registered. Good one.


It's a hybrid...


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> You know you got a bad hog problem when they start breeding deer.
> View attachment 124488


@phinds this is a DIG...


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415

Sorry I had to post ... caused me spit out my coffee laughing..

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415

Okay ... who thinks this stuff up?

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 4 | Sincere 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 2


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 8


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 6


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## DKMD



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 124695



Wendell, that is a nice dog you've got, I want to help. Send me your PP I'll send a few bucks your way! Tony

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415

Must have school supplies in San Antonio...

Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415

My next ride

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Spinartist

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 124921










Ya gotta believe that those N Korean generals think that their clueless "leader", is an idiot & they are fearful that if they even blink wrong he'll end their lives.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## woodman6415

IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON:
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. 
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. 
Then I got him a Kilkenny's. He didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager. He didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's. Nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland 's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so bat guana-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 4


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## Tony



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5 | +Karma 1


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## SENC

Tony said:


> View attachment 124992


Signed, TClem

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415

Just say NO

Reactions: Agree 2 | +Karma 1


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## woodman6415

@Brink

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## phinds

woodman6415 said:


> Just say NO
> View attachment 125013


Oh, that is SO wrong ...

Reactions: Agree 5


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## woodman6415

Texas land mine

Reactions: Like 3 | EyeCandy! 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 1 | Informative 1


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## woodman6415

Someone selling this on Facebook for $100.00 ....

Reactions: Funny 7


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## rocky1

Somewhere out there is a prepper robbing his piggy bank, chomping at the bits to buy it, and add it to his end of times stash! 

But it is still funny as hell!!

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 5 | Great Post 2 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415

And then there's this

Reactions: Informative 1


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## phinds

Yuck !

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> Yuck !


I second that motion of wrongness. On the right person, maybe, on the...individual shown...not really at all. Thought it was bad enough when women starting wearing the hybrid shorts and skirt in the eighties. Skorts, do they still live in today's fashion?

Reactions: Agree 1


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## ripjack13

I'm so bored. So I conducted an experiment. I can conclude that I can only fit one piece of pez candy in my belly button. Thus, my dreams of becoming a pez dispenser are ruined.....

Reactions: Funny 6 | +Karma 1 | Sincere 1


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## Kenbo



Reactions: Agree 6 | Great Post 2 | Funny 5 | Sincere 1


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## rocky1

Yuuup!!! I don't care which side of the border you're on, that is the absolute truth right there!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## Don Ratcliff

How to catch male fish.

Reactions: Funny 8 | Informative 1


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## Don Ratcliff

@All Texans @Kenbo @bench1holio

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 6


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## Wildthings

Nah ----- you're comparing a state (TX) to countries

Reactions: Agree 2


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## bench1holio

Lol @Don Ratcliff its so true!..Texas is about the size of NSW, pretty big...But you get into the outback desert country you can drive all day without seeing another car.

Reactions: Informative 1


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## Don Ratcliff

bench1holio said:


> Lol @Don Ratcliff its so true!..Texas is about the size of NSW, pretty big...But you get into the outback desert country you can drive all day without seeing another car.
> 
> View attachment 125280


Ben, notice in my illustration Texas is placed in the middle of your continent like the Lone Star and in yours Texas is excluded like the fat kid. Yet somehow I'm the one that gets frowned upon... methinks they are trying to force me out and not give any go away money...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> Ben, notice in my illustration Texas is placed in the middle of your continent like the Lone Star and in yours Texas is excluded like the fat kid. Yet somehow I'm the one that gets frowned upon... methinks they are trying to force me out and not give any go away money...



Took you long enough to figure it out.






Stoopid Islander

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 4 | Great Post 8 | Funny 2


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## Schroedc

woodman6415 said:


> Someone selling this on Facebook for $100.00 ....
> View attachment 125039



I have a case of those, found them in a thrift store for .25 each. If they sell on Ebay I should start liquidating mine...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 5


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 5


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## Don Ratcliff

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 125461


There's is little hope for the future of the human race.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## SENC

Don Ratcliff said:


> There's is little hope for the future of the human race.


I still think there is a little hope for those who like bacon, whisky, tacos and coffee.

Reactions: Agree 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Mills

I believe this is the same math principles which the IRS uses to calculate my tax refund.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 5 | Great Post 2 | Funny 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## rocky1



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Mike Mills

Why there will never be a snowflake pirate.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 2


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## phinds

I dont' get drunk either. In fact, I hardly ever have more than one drink a day. The problem is that when I have that drink, I turn into a whole 'nother guy, and THAT guy gets drunk as hell.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## Mike1950

*A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."*

*The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.*

*"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"*

*The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"*

*"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.*

*Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"*


*She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"*

*The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"*

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## Don Ratcliff

You know who you are...




That's one of you...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13

What if they don't know?


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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> What if they don't know?


Oh you know, I know you know... and the other ones know.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1

You shouldn't talk about yourself like that!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Tony

A few days late but still funny.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Schroedc

Tony said:


> A few days late but still funny.
> 
> View attachment 125700



I take it that was found in the pocket of a corpse beaten to death with a handbag?

Reactions: Agree 8 | Funny 4


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3 | Creative 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 125705


That's only the first volume and by the time it finished printing it was out dated.

Reactions: Agree 4


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## Mike Mills




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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 125706


Are you being Irrational?


----------



## Mr. Peet

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 125707


Oh Mike, wish I knew, I'd a say no. It doesn't work and they don't take returns...


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mike Mills

Don Ratcliff said:


> Are you being Irrational?



Don't think so... just using my imagination.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds

Well, if we're going to do STEM jokes, how about this:

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

phinds said:


> Well, if we're going to do STEM jokes, how about this:
> 
> View attachment 125737


It makes sense now...


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## Mike Mills

Two engineering students bumped into each other at school and one noticed the other's new bike. He asked, "Where did you get such a wonderful bike?"
The other student replied that a blonde rode up to him, threw her bike on the ground, took off all her clothes, threw them on the ground, and said, "Take whatever you'd like to have."
The first student says, "Good call, I'll bet her clothes wouldn't have fit either of us."

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

Mike Mills said:


> Two engineering students bumped into each other at school and one noticed the other's new bike. He asked, "Where did you get such a wonderful bike?"
> The other student replied that a blonde rode up to him, threw her bike on the ground, took off all her clothes, threw them on the ground, and said, "Take whatever you'd like to have."
> The first student says, "Good call, I'll bet her clothes wouldn't have fit either of us."

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> View attachment 125754


Happy Keister to all you Texans.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Mr. Peet

Tony said:


> View attachment 125754


Sounds painful...must be them new M & enema eggs, melt in your butt, not in your hand.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> View attachment 125754


I'll pass


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Clay3063



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5 | Way Cool 1 | Informative 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 1 | Sincere 1


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## ripjack13

@rocky1

Reactions: Funny 9


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 125772


Looks like Paxton to me... @Tclem ?

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13




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## Clay3063



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## Tclem

Don Ratcliff said:


> Looks like Paxton to me... @Tclem ?


Oh so true.

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13

"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Clay3063



Reactions: Funny 7


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 8


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 6


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9 | Sincere 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 10


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## SENC

@Tclem...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 10 | Great Post 1


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## woodman6415




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## Tony

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 125941



Kevin would've loved that one! Tony

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Mike1950

Tony said:


> Kevin would've loved that one! Tony


Believe me Tony- When I posted it I had already thought the same...

Reactions: Sincere 2


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## Don Ratcliff

Yep.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Like 1 | +Karma 1


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## Clay3063



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415

Even the rattle snakes love Texas

Reactions: Like 4 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 10


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Kenbo



Reactions: Funny 12


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tony

This is at a restaurant on the Riverwalk here. Never fails to cracking me up. Tony

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 6 | Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Informative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Informative 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Clay3063

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 126228


Years ago my dad and his brothers were on a deer lease up near Lometa, TX. On the long road leading into the ranch there was a small wood frame house where the Mexican ranch hand and his wife and 10 kids lived. I went with Dad on a couple of occasions when I was a senior in HS and we would leave here on a Friday afternoon around 6 or so and get there well after dark, usually around midnight or so (the speed limit being 55 mph it took longer than today). The road leading into our part of the ranch made a sweeping turn past the ranch hand's house and after dark the head lights would shine right into the windows of the bedroom on the side of the house. Dad used to always laugh and honk the horn as he drove past. I told him, you know you just woke them up don't you? And you know they don't have TV right? So you know the next kid is going to be your fault right? He just laughed. Until the next year and we happened to drive by the house and there was the poor man and his wife.... and another kid. Judging by the size and approximate age of the toddler, I told my dad., "I told you so!" He quit honking the horn and would turn off the driving lights every time we drove past after dark from then on.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



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## rocky1



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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Tony

This is a big part of why I'm a WB'er. Tony

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 5


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## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> This is a big part of why I'm a WB'er. Tony
> 
> View attachment 126394


That's offensive

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 1 | +Karma 1 | Sincere 1


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## Don Ratcliff

I posted something I shouldn't have....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1


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## ripjack13

I'm using the rationale that if we can't say it in type, then we shouldn't be posting it in pix...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## Spinartist

ripjack13 said:


> I'm using the rationale that if we can't say it in type, then we shouldn't be posting it in pix...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## rocky1

That isn't even funny, there are so many people running around this country at the moment that simply need to be repeatedly bitch-slapped back to reality that isn't even funny! And, a substantial number of them it seems, are employed by the main stream media.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## ripjack13

Rocky's gunna need a hug soon......

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## woodman6415

Big group hug for @rocky1 ...
Trust me brother if you bitched slapped everyone that needed it right now ... your arm would fall off in less than an hour ...
I started repeated this mantra 10 years ago... yesterday April 15 and it's saved me at the very least some prison time ...

Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 1


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## ripjack13

woodman6415 said:


> Big group hug for @rocky1 ...
> Trust me brother if you bitched slapped everyone that needed it right now ... your arm would fall off in less than an hour ...
> I started repeated this mantra 10 years ago... yesterday April 15 and it's saved me at the very least some prison time ...
> View attachment 126413



I like this one better....

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 4


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## rocky1

Damn liberal snowflakes keep running away when I try to write my name on them though!!!

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## ripjack13

Make an X, it's easier....

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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 1


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## kweinert

*Stress Management*
Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

There now, feeling better?

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 2 | Funny 4


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## Spinartist

@Don Ratcliff

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

Spinartist said:


> @Don Ratcliff


Like anyone would use a Stoopid mainlanders tree to make a surfboard. That would piss off maui and Pele big time.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## SENC

Don Ratcliff said:


> Like anyone would use a Stoopid mainlanders tree to make a surfboard. That would piss off maui and Pele big time.


Pele is in Hawaii now? Greatest footballer ever. I didn't know he retired to the islands. Cool.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

SENC said:


> Pele is in Hawaii now? Greatest footballer ever. I didn't know he retired to the islands. Cool.


I'll send you some volcanic rocks.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415

Meanwhile in Missouri:

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## SENC

Don Ratcliff said:


> I'll send you some volcanic rocks.
> 
> View attachment 126477

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Spinartist

woodman6415 said:


> Meanwhile in Missouri:
> View attachment 126483




My sister lives in Ankorage, Alaska. She told me about a dinner theater there where the show was called "Roadkill Café"
On the menu was "moose with tire tracks", Snow Hare pancakes, Elk ribs-n-bumpers etc...

Reactions: Like 3


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## Tony



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2 | +Karma 1


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 126538



HA! I could use this at work! Tony

Reactions: Like 1


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## rocky1

Tony said:


> HA! I could use this at work! Tony



_In poster size!_

Reactions: Agree 2


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## rocky1

Points to ponder... 

**********************************************************************************************************************************

*1. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.*

*2. My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

3. My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.

4. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

5. Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

6. If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need ... not all this, “Who the hell are you?" and "How did you get into my house?” business!

7. The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

8. On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

9. I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

10. I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

11. What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?*

*12. Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

13. The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.*

Reactions: Funny 6


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## rocky1

*Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewed by a liberal journalist who also happens to be an animal rights activist. 

The discussion came around to deer hunting and the journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'"*

*Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress."*

Reactions: Great Post 3 | Funny 4


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## Spinartist

*The little boy had been looking out of Southwest Airlines plane window on flight from Orlando to JFK when he turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"*
*The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant.*

*The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"*

*The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"*
*The boy replied, "Yes, she did."*
*"Well", said the flight attendant, "you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."*

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Lou Currier

rocky1 said:


> Points to ponder...
> 
> *11. What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?*



You mean to tell me that they can see me?

Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 5


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## Spinartist

People! Lets post some more to add pages so I don't have to see that last post again!!!!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Spinartist

Yep!!! Only 4 more posts & we jump a page!!


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## Tony

3 now!


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## woodman6415

But I have the pic saved so should be nice to me.... just saying

Reactions: Funny 2 | Informative 1 | Creative 1


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## woodman6415

Only 1 now


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## lonewolf

Ill do the honors . bye

Reactions: Thank You! 5


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## DKMD

And we're safe(ish)...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## SENC

DKMD said:


> And we're safe(ish)...


I'm not going back to find the culprit, but whoever it was should be banned. I think one of the mods should go back and find the poster.


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## rocky1



Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 5


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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## Spinartist

Ever wonder what those sheriff radar trailers on the side of the road are called??? Now you know!!








Saw this today roadside & had to shake my head in wonder..

Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds



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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 4 | Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

Did you guys see this post @woodman6415 Did on the last page. It's disturbing, I'm going to go read the rest of the jokes after it now. @Spinartist @Tony @SENC @DKMD

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Don saved it too....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Way Cool 1 | Sincere 1


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## Spinartist

Ewwww

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> Don saved it too....



Of course he did......

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Great Post 1


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## Kenbo



Reactions: Great Post 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 6


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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## woodman6415

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 127131


I did one a couple weeks ago ... came in last ... prob my last race ever

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415

Some of those good looking bikini wearing women of Hawaii ...


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## SENC

woodman6415 said:


> Some of those good looking bikini wearing women of Hawaii ...
> View attachment 127164


Nope, Wendell, I'd never wondered about that. And now I wish I'd never seen that pic. Thanks.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415

SENC said:


> Nope, Wendell, I'd never wondered about that. And now I wish I'd never seen that pic. Thanks.


Don't guess you've been to many biker rallies? ... the first time my son went to ROT in Austin first thing he said " I've never seen so many 25year old boobs on 80 year old women ... it's a painful ugly sight ... and they are not wearing bikinis...

Reactions: Funny 6


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## rocky1

What's most wrong in that picture above is, it is very much apparent that she truly thinks she is still sexy!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## phinds

rocky1 said:


> What's most wrong in that picture above is, it is very much apparent that she truly thinks she is still sexy!


Not necessarily. More likely she's been wearing a bikini for the last 80 years and is comfortable with it and doesn't give a hoot what anyone else thinks. That happens when you get old enough (and she's clearly old enough).

Reactions: Like 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Spinartist

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 127194




The window installer probly made the ladder Too.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415

Spinartist said:


> The window installer probly made the ladder Too.


 look at the top window ... already caulked in ...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Tony



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 2 | Funny 3 | Sincere 1 | Creative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## Brink

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 127256



NY'rs... so clever

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Brink



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 1


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## Lou Currier

Couldn't help myself

Reactions: Funny 4 | Creative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## rocky1

*HAPPY!!!



 *

Reactions: Funny 8


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4 | Informative 1


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## rocky1

Gotta love a Chinaman with a sense of humor!! This one is for real, found right here in my home town on one of the busiest streets in town.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## rocky1

And, then I found this one for @Mike1950 ...

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> Gotta love a Chinaman with a sense of humor!! This one is for real, found right here in my home town on one of the busiest streets in town.
> 
> View attachment 127349



On Oahu

Reactions: Funny 6


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## kweinert

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 127341



Someone needs to tell Don that he can't drive fast enough to stay on top of the water all the way back.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## rocky1

rocky1 said:


> Gotta love a Chinaman with a sense of humor!! This one is for real, found right here in my home town on one of the busiest streets in town.
> 
> View attachment 127349



*Restaurant Review!!!*

Well... after posting the Fu King photo and laughing about it once again on the net, I couldn't stand it, had to have a Fu King T-Shirt. Wife and I went to town Saturday to run errands, asked her if she wanted to stop there for lunch. So we did. It's not a big place, isn't immaculately decorated or anything real special, and I really wasn't sure what to expect. 

Hostess seated us, pretty soon we have little china man running around short stepping like only little china men do in movies, spoke with same broken Engrish and squeaky voice as in movies too! It was almost more than I could stand, was looking around for hidden cameras honestly. 

Lunch menu was extensive, lots to choose from. Meals were served with Pork Fried Rice and Egg Roll, wife didn't see that and ordered Springs Rolls and Crab Rangoon. She didn't eat half of her meal! Portions were adequate without the extras, that tossed them into the ample category, easily. The Shrimp Hunan - Spicy was great!! Just enough heat to get a hot lovers attention, but not overbearing. Egg Rolls, Spring Rolls, and Crab Rangoon was all excellent, really a good meal! 

Kicker was, the meals with their adequate portions were right at the $7 mark, hors devours were $3 and $4 respectively, with drinks, the total on 2 meals, 2 hors devours, and 2 teas was a whopping $23.50, both of us were stuffed, and the wife brought 3/4 of her meal home. 

If you're ever lost in my home town, and need a spot for lunch, I'd highly recommend the Fu King Restaurant! May not be much to look at, but the service was great, and the food exceptional!!

Oh yeah... The T-Shirt was only $13 w/tax to boot!

Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 1


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## Schroedc

rocky1 said:


> *Restaurant Review!!!*
> 
> Well... after posting the Fu King photo and laughing about it once again on the net, I couldn't stand it, had to have a Fu King T-Shirt. Wife and I went to town Saturday to run errands, asked her if she wanted to stop there for lunch. So we did. It's not a big place, isn't immaculately decorated or anything real special, and I really wasn't sure what to expect.
> 
> Hostess seated us, pretty soon we have little china man running around short stepping like only little china men do in movies, spoke with same broken Engrish and squeaky voice as in movies too! It was almost more than I could stand, was looking around for hidden cameras honestly.
> 
> Lunch menu was extensive, lots to choose from. Meals were served with Pork Fried Rice and Egg Roll, wife didn't see that and ordered Springs Rolls and Crab Rangoon. She didn't eat half of her meal! Portions were adequate without the extras, that tossed them into the ample category, easily. The Shrimp Hunan - Spicy was great!! Just enough heat to get a hot lovers attention, but not overbearing. Egg Rolls, Spring Rolls, and Crab Rangoon was all excellent, really a good meal!
> 
> Kicker was, the meals with their adequate portions were right at the $7 mark, hors devours were $3 and $4 respectively, with drinks, the total on 2 meals, 2 hors devours, and 2 teas was a whopping $23.50, both of us were stuffed, and the wife brought 3/4 of her meal home.
> 
> If you're ever lost in my home town, and need a spot for lunch, I'd highly recommend the Fu King Restaurant! May not be much to look at, but the service was great, and the food exceptional!!
> 
> Oh yeah... The T-Shirt was only $13 w/tax to boot!



We want to see the shirt. Pictures or it didn't happen.

Reactions: Agree 7 | Funny 1


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## SENC

And I want a tshirt, too!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Tony

This is a restaurant here. I've heard it's very good, just can't bring myself to try it. Tony

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Schroedc

Tony said:


> View attachment 127534
> 
> This is a restaurant here. I've heard it's very good, just can't bring myself to try it. Tony



I've heard you have A DONG on a regular basis

Reactions: Agree 1


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## SENC

We could get one for @Mike1950 : "I'm not Moses, I'm not Methuseleh, either" sweatshirt.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 10


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## Tony

Schroedc said:


> I've heard you have A DONG on a regular basis



@Schroedc, I think @Don Ratcliff high jacked your identity!!!!!!!!

How'd you do at the show Colin?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike1950

SENC said:


> View attachment 127535
> 
> We could get one for @Mike1950 : "I'm not Moses, I'm not Methuseleh, either" sweatshirt.




GRRRRR

Reactions: Funny 2


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## DKMD

@rocky1 If I'm ever in your neck of the woods, I'll buy your FuKing lunch if you'll show me where to get one of those FuKing Tshirts.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Schroedc

Tony said:


> @Schroedc, I think @Don Ratcliff high jacked your identity!!!!!!!!
> 
> How'd you do at the show Colin?



Don't ask. I'm going to go drink heavily.

Reactions: Funny 2 | Sincere 1


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## Don Ratcliff

DKMD said:


> @rocky1 If I'm ever in your neck of the woods, I'll buy your FuKing lunch if you'll show me where to get one of those FuKing Tshirts.


It must be good to be the king...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> View attachment 127534
> 
> This is a restaurant here. I've heard it's very good, just can't bring myself to try it. Tony


I don't even want to know where that's at ..


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> I don't even want to know where that's at ..


It's on the corner of

Reactions: Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415

Don Ratcliff said:


> It's on the corner of
> 
> View attachment 127537


Been there ... done that ... didn't get the T shirt

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> Been there ... done that ... didn't get the T shirt


You're lucky to get off that block with your skivvies.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Thank You! 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 7


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## rocky1

Fu King T

Reactions: Like 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 10


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Tony

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 127597



My FIL retired from INS. Several restaurants asked him not to come back because they would lose half the kitchen staff when he came in to eat. Tony

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 6 | Sincere 1


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## ripjack13



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## rocky1

Fooled them... I can name about as many plants with 90% certainty as I can brands!! And, I'm not forced to look at the plants every day, like I am the brands.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13

Turbo? He said his name was Jose.....

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415

A couple of knit wits

Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## SENC

woodman6415 said:


> A couple of knit wits
> View attachment 127630


Hawaiians!

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## woodman6415

SENC said:


> Hawaiians!


Hahahaha


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



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## rocky1

woodman6415 said:


> A couple of knit wits
> View attachment 127630



Is it just me, or does that fellers yellerish brown beard there kinda look vaguely familiar, sorta like a fellow wood butcher, from one of them cold snowy northern midwestern states that starts with M. Wouldn't surprise me if he didn't crochet the outfit!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415

Finally figured out where my wood comes from ... harder than rock trees

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 2


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 127656



I have done every single one of those! Tony

Reactions: Agree 1


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## JR Parks

And I couldn't wait to send to friends-

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## Wildthings

Tony said:


> I have done every single one of those! Tony


Ditto!!



JR Parks said:


> And I couldn't wait to send to friends-


Ditto!

Reactions: Like 3


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## Brink

Why do cows have hoofs instead of feet?

Because they lactose

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 3


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## Mike Mills

How I felt by episode 3, season 1 of Dexter.
Huge desire for a foot tub full of cold RC Cola and a 25 pound bag of pork skins.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## kweinert

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the usual types of stuff: Spilled milk, pennies saved. Only Janie, her smartest student, was left.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes ma’am,” Janie said with confidence. “My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she could grab was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
“She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 elite Iraqi troops.”
The teacher was speechless, so Janie continued.
“She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets. Killed four more with the knife, ’til the blade broke. And then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
“Good Heavens!” said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

“Don’t Screw with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

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## Tony



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415

Future Woodbarter member in training ..

Reactions: Like 3 | Way Cool 7


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## woodman6415



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## Spinartist

woodman6415 said:


> Future Woodbarter member in training ..
> View attachment 127758




Silly Wendell. You silly, silly man.  This thread is "joke of the day".
Your post is clearly not a joke!!!

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## woodman6415

Spinartist said:


> Silly Wendell. You silly, silly man.  This thread is "joke of the day".
> Your post is clearly not a joke!!![/QUOTE
> Ooooppps .. sorry wrong place ... I'm bad

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## TimR

Stopped to grab a Coke at gas stop yesterday, couldn't resist this one. So, is there actually someone named Wood who isn't a member here???

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415

TimR said:


> View attachment 127853 Stopped to grab a Coke at gas stop yesterday, couldn't resist this one. So, is there actually someone named Wood who isn't a member here???


Most of my family has called me woody so long .. should be on my driver license...


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## Spinartist

*Lawyer Does Not Lie...*
A lawyer, who had a wife and12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home


But, he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie -- _we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie._

So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked:

"How many children do you have?

He answered: "Twelve."

The agent asked "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with with his best courtroom sad look answered "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

MORAL: _It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words… and don't forget, most politicians are unfortunately lawyers._

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Johnturner

I finally made it to the end!!!


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## rocky1

LMAO!!! Uhmmm... nope!     

You just thought you did!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## rocky1

Old construction worker was on the job, young guys were picking on him. (_Can't imagine anyone picking on a old man_) 
But, finally he had enough, and he turned to the mouthiest of his younger co-workers and said...

"Tell you what, I'll bet you a week's wages I can roll something over to that building in the wheel barrow, and you can't roll it back."

Young fellow thought on it for about a second, like young folks do, and said, "Alright old man, you're on!"

The old fellow walked around, grabbed the handles on the wheelbarrow, looked over at the young co-worker, and with a big smile said, "Get in!"

Reactions: Like 4 | Great Post 2 | Funny 4 | Useful 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 5


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Spinartist

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 127978




Is that a Texas lanai??

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415

Spinartist said:


> Is that a Texas lanai??


What's a " lanai" ?

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## rocky1

woodman6415 said:


> What's a " lanai" ?



 Dang city folks... I had to look it up too! Who the hell in the south has a rocking chair on their lanai? Who has a lanai swing? Who picks geetar and spits backer juice off their lanai on a Saturday night? Or goes out on the lanai and grills burgers? 

You been hanging out down there in east California too long Lee, you need to come spend a little time in the northern part of the state!!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13

rocky1 said:


> Dang city folks... I had to look it up too! Who the hell in the south has a rocking chair on their lanai? Who has a lanai swing? Who picks geetar and spits backer juice off their lanai on a Saturday night? Or goes out on the lanai and grills burgers?
> 
> You been hanging out down there in east California too long Lee, you need to come spend a little time in the northern part of the state!!



@Don Ratcliff

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> @Don Ratcliff


That's right up there with Kevin thinking "braddah" was a derogatory term.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13



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## Schroedc



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## Tony

Schroedc said:


>



I'm sitting in my recliner watching this with my dog on the chair as well. She DID NOT like that at all!! Funny to watch her ears go up and her head go down every time it blew! Tony

Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1

She's been hangin round you after refried beans too long, she was waiting for her nose hairs to curl up!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7


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## Mike Mills

Love bacon and pork chops.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## Clay3063

I know I shouldn't have. But I just couldn't help myself.

Reactions: Funny 12


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## phinds

I think that last one needs more work. At LOT more work.

Reactions: Agree 6


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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## rocky1

Didn't think about having to explain Fidget Spinners to all you old guys!

http://www.cnn.com/2017/05/17/health/fidget-spinner-fad-partner/

Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415

BREAKING NEWS: An anyomous source confirms President Donald J. Trump has illegally killed a now extinct rainbow unicorn with a fully automatic machine sniper gun.
Please share this to let the world know we will not stand for this type of evil to run our country! This unethical fascist must be stopped..

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13

rocky1 said:


> Didn't think about having to explain Fidget Spinners to all you old guys!
> 
> http://www.cnn.com/2017/05/17/health/fidget-spinner-fad-partner/



I've had one for a few years. Keeps me from picking my nails. I've even made a few for some friends a while back. One of the kids is autistic, and he loved it.

Reactions: Like 2


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## rocky1

I just saw one the other day for the first time, had to ask what it was, besides obviously purposeless. And, thus having just learned about fidget spinners, I caught the joke right away. Unlike some of these old guys around here!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Wildthings

I caught it and actually laughed out loud

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Mills

Proof of genetics.

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## phinds

Trump had best watch out when he visits the Pope

Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415



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## Mike1950



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## Mike1950

A SMOKIN aluminum F-150

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## rocky1



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## Spinartist

Mike1950 said:


> A SMOKIN aluminum F-150
> 
> View attachment 128127




Is Kevin back??

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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Mike1950

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted

Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Spinartist

Now that's a salesman!

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically),
"So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold the guy some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Accord would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing

There are three kinds of men;
1.) The ones that learn by reading
2.) The few who learn by observation
3.) The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 128452



Sapporo is a Japanese or Chinese beer company.....


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## Spinartist

Tony said:


> Sapporo is a Japanese or Chinese beer company.....




Even our bottled water is made in China!!!!???

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

My wife raided my wood pile....

Reactions: Funny 1 | Sincere 2


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## woodman6415

This is what you get if you don't drink enough of that Chinese water

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## phinds

ripjack13 said:


> My wife raided my wood pile....


Are we to assume that this was followed by some appropriately severe punishment?

Reactions: Agree 3


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## ripjack13

It's happening tonight. Maybe in the am. I found another spider for her.
Lol

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Spinartist

ripjack13 said:


> It's happening tonight. Maybe in the am. I found another spider for her.
> Lol




MFRB's make great fire starter's don't they!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## Spinartist



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## Mike1950



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## woodman6415

Spinartist said:


> View attachment 128704


Dang it somebody always comes up with the great ideas ..

Reactions: Agree 3


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## ripjack13

@woodtickgreg

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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 128747



That's almost as good as the dishwasher one! Tony


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Mills

*Words of wisdom to pass on to your daughters....



 *

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## rocky1



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## phinds

Can't remember if we've seen this one before or not but it bears repeating in these troubled times:

Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415

phinds said:


> Can't remember if we've seen this one before or not but it bears repeating in these troubled times:
> 
> View attachment 128967


Need that bus in Texas ... lots and lots of rain ... feast or famine

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Mike Mills

*I was about to go for my morning run but then saw the storm clouds brewing.
I'm going to sit this one out.


 *

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415



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## Tony



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## Wildthings

Where would we be without red solo cups??

Reactions: Agree 4


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> View attachment 129115


Red solo cup .. you are my friend

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415



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## kweinert

Evidently there's a little bit of Kevin in all of us:






He did something similar with a tree once, as I recall. Maybe not quite to this extent.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13

WOW!!!! that's crazy. 

I remember Kevin saying he blew up a tree. I think he posted the old video of it too....

Reactions: Like 1


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## rocky1

I can't believe that stuff is still available honestly. Surprised more people haven't killed themselves yet.


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## Tony

rocky1 said:


> I can't believe that stuff is still available honestly. Surprised more people haven't killed themselves yet.



What was it that he shot?


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## kweinert

A refrigerator :)

Full of https://tannerite.com/

From Wikipedia:

*Tannerite* is the brand name of a patented[1] exploding target used for firearms practice, sold in kit form and containing the components of a binary explosive.[2] The explosive comprises a combination of ammonium nitrate and/or ammonium perchlorate (oxidizers), and a fuel - primarily aluminum powder - that is supplied as two separate powders that are mixed by the user.

Reactions: Thank You! 2 | Funny 1


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## rocky1

There's another video out there, kid shoots a microwave while his buddy videos. Door off the microwave flies between them in this same fashion. It's done and gone before they even begin to react. Was another where shrapnel from a car they blew up damn near took the shooter out. This is a common occurrence, because people are quite simply ignorant, and they think it is really cool to try and blow themselves up on camera, and then post it on line, so more ignorant people will try to top it.

I don't have a problem with people having fun, but there really should be some nature of IQ certification requirement to buy the stuff. I mean I know a few people who play with the stuff, most of them in ND. And, some people should not be allowed to buy it.

2 brothers bought up a bunch to tear down an old farm house. Genius plan!! Stacked I don't know how many pounds in the farm house, but it was enough they backed off about 400 yards to shoot it. And, they scattered bits and pieces of farm house, full of nails, over about 200 - 250 yard radius. With 64 hives of our bees sitting in the farmyard. Didn't hurt the bees, but we had a crew of 5 people out there for over an hour picking pieces of farm house up so we didn't wreck any tires. Could say they saved the effort in tearing down the farmhouse, but they own a bulldozer, and a trackhoe, and it wasn't a very big farmhouse. Hour tops with the trackhoe to tear it down and bury it.

Local vet buys it to remove beaver dams in his pasture. Says he's probably on a list at Homeland Security, but taking out beaver dams has never been so much fun.

Parties in the first part, acted like retards. They drive tractors and combines and farm trucks and semis and their pickups over that spot where they blew the house up all the time! Said they plan to take the dozer out and clean up the mess. Seriously??? You're going to take a bulldozer out to pick up bits and pieces of 1 x 6 that would fit in your lunch box with nails in them scattered over 20 acres of farm yard, hay land, and crop land? 

Party in the second part really isn't doing any harm, in fact if he doesn't keep the creek open it floods the neighbor's barn upstream. Keeping the stream open just got easier for him, and he has way more fun doing it. Stacks the beaver dam full, drives to the top of the hill 3 - 4 hundred yards away and squeezes the trigger. No more beaver dam!! 

But to put this stuff inside something that's going to launch shrapnel in every direction, especially something with a door on it, that's held on by 2 little bitty hinges, and is on your side of the device meaning it is going to be launched your way... Well, that just takes a special kind of stupid!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Great Post 2


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## Lou Currier

And another Darwin Award is handed out

Reactions: Agree 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## kweinert



Reactions: Funny 13


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## Schroedc

rocky1 said:


> There's another video out there, kid shoots a microwave while his buddy videos. Door off the microwave flies between them in this same fashion. It's done and gone before they even begin to react. Was another where shrapnel from a car they blew up damn near took the shooter out. This is a common occurrence, because people are quite simply ignorant, and they think it is really cool to try and blow themselves up on camera, and then post it on line, so more ignorant people will try to top it.
> 
> I don't have a problem with people having fun, but there really should be some nature of IQ certification requirement to buy the stuff. I mean I know a few people who play with the stuff, most of them in ND. And, some people should not be allowed to buy it.
> 
> 2 brothers bought up a bunch to tear down an old farm house. Genius plan!! Stacked I don't know how many pounds in the farm house, but it was enough they backed off about 400 yards to shoot it. And, they scattered bits and pieces of farm house, full of nails, over about 200 - 250 yard radius. With 64 hives of our bees sitting in the farmyard. Didn't hurt the bees, but we had a crew of 5 people out there for over an hour picking pieces of farm house up so we didn't wreck any tires. Could say they saved the effort in tearing down the farmhouse, but they own a bulldozer, and a trackhoe, and it wasn't a very big farmhouse. Hour tops with the trackhoe to tear it down and bury it.
> 
> Local vet buys it to remove beaver dams in his pasture. Says he's probably on a list at Homeland Security, but taking out beaver dams has never been so much fun.
> 
> Parties in the first part, acted like retards. They drive tractors and combines and farm trucks and semis and their pickups over that spot where they blew the house up all the time! Said they plan to take the dozer out and clean up the mess. Seriously??? You're going to take a bulldozer out to pick up bits and pieces of 1 x 6 that would fit in your lunch box with nails in them scattered over 20 acres of farm yard, hay land, and crop land?
> 
> Party in the second part really isn't doing any harm, in fact if he doesn't keep the creek open it floods the neighbor's barn upstream. Keeping the stream open just got easier for him, and he has way more fun doing it. Stacks the beaver dam full, drives to the top of the hill 3 - 4 hundred yards away and squeezes the trigger. No more beaver dam!!
> 
> But to put this stuff inside something that's going to launch shrapnel in every direction, especially something with a door on it, that's held on by 2 little bitty hinges, and is on your side of the device meaning it is going to be launched your way... Well, that just takes a special kind of stupid!




Was a guy killed near here about a year or two ago shooting the targets at handgun range. Took a piece of the plastic can in the throat

Reactions: Informative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Johnturner

kweinert said:


> View attachment 129183


We need a "Groan" emogi!!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4 | Sincere 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## SENC

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 129261


Run. Run like your life depends on it.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950

rocky1 said:


> There's another video out there, kid shoots a microwave while his buddy videos. Door off the microwave flies between them in this same fashion. It's done and gone before they even begin to react. Was another where shrapnel from a car they blew up damn near took the shooter out. This is a common occurrence, because people are quite simply ignorant, and they think it is really cool to try and blow themselves up on camera, and then post it on line, so more ignorant people will try to top it.
> 
> I don't have a problem with people having fun, but there really should be some nature of IQ certification requirement to buy the stuff. I mean I know a few people who play with the stuff, most of them in ND. And, some people should not be allowed to buy it.
> 
> 2 brothers bought up a bunch to tear down an old farm house. Genius plan!! Stacked I don't know how many pounds in the farm house, but it was enough they backed off about 400 yards to shoot it. And, they scattered bits and pieces of farm house, full of nails, over about 200 - 250 yard radius. With 64 hives of our bees sitting in the farmyard. Didn't hurt the bees, but we had a crew of 5 people out there for over an hour picking pieces of farm house up so we didn't wreck any tires. Could say they saved the effort in tearing down the farmhouse, but they own a bulldozer, and a trackhoe, and it wasn't a very big farmhouse. Hour tops with the trackhoe to tear it down and bury it.
> 
> Local vet buys it to remove beaver dams in his pasture. Says he's probably on a list at Homeland Security, but taking out beaver dams has never been so much fun.
> 
> Parties in the first part, acted like retards. They drive tractors and combines and farm trucks and semis and their pickups over that spot where they blew the house up all the time! Said they plan to take the dozer out and clean up the mess. Seriously??? You're going to take a bulldozer out to pick up bits and pieces of 1 x 6 that would fit in your lunch box with nails in them scattered over 20 acres of farm yard, hay land, and crop land?
> 
> Party in the second part really isn't doing any harm, in fact if he doesn't keep the creek open it floods the neighbor's barn upstream. Keeping the stream open just got easier for him, and he has way more fun doing it. Stacks the beaver dam full, drives to the top of the hill 3 - 4 hundred yards away and squeezes the trigger. No more beaver dam!!
> 
> But to put this stuff inside something that's going to launch shrapnel in every direction, especially something with a door on it, that's held on by 2 little bitty hinges, and is on your side of the device meaning it is going to be launched your way... Well, that just takes a special kind of stupid!




In the 50's and 60's gramps used to do the same with beaver dams and stumps- readily available. Dynamite. He worked with it in the mines- respected it. sure took out a beaver dam fast but if you did not eliminate the beavers- they were very fast at putting back together....


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## woodman6415

Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”

“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know!” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.

“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d’s sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And, occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um...um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So, Ernie’s just...just...excited?", my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I’m picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little...”

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad.” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!

Reactions: Great Post 3 | Funny 7


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## DKMD

Lizard special happy ending...

Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415

Real sign in Austin Tx

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Informative 1 | Useful 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 2


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## kweinert

Saw this in a parking lot the other day. Not sure who the joke is supposed to be on.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 10


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 3 | Informative 2


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## NYWoodturner

Guys let's not forget we have female members here. Please be respectful


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## woodman6415

NYWoodturner said:


> Guys let's not forget we have female members here. Please be respectful


I'm sorry if I put something on that's not respectful .. if I have please delete it .. thanks

Reactions: Sincere 1


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## Kenbo

I'm pretty sure that it was meant in good fun and that the female members that we have here on the sight would also see it that way. For that reason, i left the post as is. If anyone feels differently, please let me know and I will more than happy to remove the post.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## rocky1

I'm still trying to figure out why Doc found it informative?!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## kweinert

@Tclem - did you film this? 






:)

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415

I have no words

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 129382



That's why I take my own, I'm not restricted then! Tony


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## Wildthings

or "Here Hold My Beer"

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 6


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## Don Ratcliff

@ripjack13 

Pictures of what marc is currently working on.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

I'm at a stand still too. Dag nabbit....I need a pneumatic palm hammer to get the shackle bolt out....grrr.


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## ripjack13




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## Tclem

kweinert said:


> @Tclem - did you film this?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> :)


Pretty close. Paxton was upset we didn't keep the snake

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 5


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 11 | Way Cool 1


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## phinds

That's an AMAZING likeness ! Go Granny Sessions !

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## Sidecar

Well was headed over to preview an auction today and visit with Ol @CWS , while drive's over I come along an attractive lady thumb'n so I pulled over ask where ya headed ..... She replied Rush Creek feed ... So I said hey I'm going right by it I'll drop ya off ! .... Well we talked a bit and then she said she was a witch ....... I said whaaaaat ! No way ! She reached over put her hand on my knee and by God we turned into a motel ! 
I told Ol @CWS of the event , he shook his head and said nooo way buddy , you couldn't do any good in a woman's prison with a handful of pardons !......

Reactions: Funny 7


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## CWS

Sidecar said:


> Well was headed over to preview an auction today and visit with Ol @CWS , while drive's over I come along an attractive lady thumb'n so I pulled over ask where ya headed ..... She replied Rush Creek feed ... So I said hey I'm going right by it I'll drop ya off ! .... Well we talked a bit and then she said she was a witch ....... I said whaaaaat ! No way ! She reached over put her hand on my knee and by God we turned into a motel !
> I told Ol @CWS of the event , he shook his head and said nooo way buddy , you couldn't do any good in a woman's prison with a handful of pardons !......


There is a reason he has a pig for an avatar. The pig is better looking.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## SENC

Mike?





__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10155475752962792

Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415

SENC said:


> Mike?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> __ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10155475752962792


It's not as funny as the people in background laughing ...

Reactions: Agree 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## rocky1

I know that guy! Two or three of him!!


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## Mike1950

WCMH) – According to a recent survey, seven percent of Americans believe chocolate milk comes from brown cows.

The survey was conducted by the Innovation Center of US Dairy in April. 1,000 adults 18 and over were asked questions about the role milk plays in their daily lives, Food & Wine reported.

The study found 48% of respondents weren’t sure where chocolate milk came from. Seven percent thought chocolate milk only comes from brown cows.

That adds up to about 16.4 million people, more than the population of Ohio.

The Washington Post linked the study to past studies that consistently show many Americans have no idea where their food comes from. For example, a study in the 1990s found that nearly 20% of people did not know hamburgers are made from beef.

Oh my- these people drive???/

Reactions: Agree 4


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## rocky1

Mike1950 said:


> WCMH) – According to a recent survey, seven percent of Americans believe chocolate milk comes from brown cows.
> 
> The survey was conducted by the Innovation Center of US Dairy in April. 1,000 adults 18 and over were asked questions about the role milk plays in their daily lives, Food & Wine reported.
> 
> The study found 48% of respondents weren’t sure where chocolate milk came from. Seven percent thought chocolate milk only comes from brown cows.
> 
> That adds up to about 16.4 million people, more than the population of Ohio.
> 
> The Washington Post linked the study to past studies that consistently show many Americans have no idea where their food comes from. For example, a study in the 1990s found that nearly 20% of people did not know hamburgers are made from beef.
> 
> Oh my- these people drive???/




*And, they vote! *

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## Spinartist

& they breed!!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Lou Currier

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 129670



That state sure looks a lot like Florida in the picture

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Spinartist

Lou Currier said:


> That state sure looks a lot like Florida in the picture




'Cept that our croc's don't get that big


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## SENC

And at least one of them is on WB!



Mike1950 said:


> WCMH) – According to a recent survey, seven percent of Americans believe chocolate milk comes from brown cows.
> 
> The survey was conducted by the Innovation Center of US Dairy in April. 1,000 adults 18 and over were asked questions about the role milk plays in their daily lives, Food & Wine reported.
> 
> The study found 48% of respondents weren’t sure where chocolate milk came from. Seven percent thought chocolate milk only comes from brown cows.
> 
> That adds up to about 16.4 million people, more than the population of Ohio.
> 
> The Washington Post linked the study to past studies that consistently show many Americans have no idea where their food comes from. For example, a study in the 1990s found that nearly 20% of people did not know hamburgers are made from beef.
> 
> Oh my- these people drive???/

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike1950

SENC said:


> And at least one of them is on WB!



Should not be sayin things like that about @Tclem

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## SENC

Mike1950 said:


> Should not be sayin things like that about @Tclem

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## rocky1



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 8


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 8


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 2


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 7


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## kweinert

Spinartist said:


> & they breed!!



And half of them probably don't really know how that happened either.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 8


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 6


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kenbo



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415

What is this madness ?

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## kweinert

woodman6415 said:


> What is this madness ?
> View attachment 129854



Someone making a derivative of the original design so they don't get in trouble. This is the original design from the designer's website: https://missingdigit.ecwid.com/#!/S...p/43624758/category=10799533&forcescroll=true

Reactions: Like 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Tony

http://metro.co.uk/2017/06/19/nasa-wants-to-probe-deeper-into-uranus-than-ever-before-6718917/

I'm not even going to say anything....

Reactions: Funny 5


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## DKMD

Must be a bunch of Greeks at NASA...

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## Tony

DKMD said:


> Must be a bunch of Greeks at NASA...



Should've said I was just bragging on family.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Johnturner

DKMD said:


> Must be a bunch of Greeks at NASA...


GROAN!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Mills

woodman6415 said:


> What is this madness ?
> View attachment 129854


Is that the official Dexter knife holder?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## kweinert



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. , he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Meg went shopping.
Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 1 | +Karma 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 5


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9 | Way Cool 1 | Useful 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 11


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 5 | EyeCandy! 1 | Agree 2


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 7


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## SENC

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 130190


One of those few times when it would be to your advantage to be @Tclem.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

SENC said:


> One of those few times when it would be to your advantage to be @Tclem.


Because he eats road kill squirrels that couldn't decide?

Reactions: Funny 8


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Spinartist

Put my 22' extension ladder in my truck & headed out to trim some palm tree seeds at a friends house.

Got pulled over by a Broward County Sheriff because apparently the red flag that's been on my ladder for 8 years, to let people that something long is sticking out from the back of my truck, had fallen off. It was there when I loaded the ladder.




I showed them the twine that was still attached & was told if I have another red flag I could put on it & I could go on my way, otherwise they would have to write me a ticket. A quick search of my truck & nothing red was to be found!!
 
Luckily I had a lady friend with me who saved the day!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 11 | Way Cool 1


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 2


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## Mike Hill

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if I get it wrong or don't know, I'll give you five dollars, then I ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars." 
"No," she says. "I just want to sleep." 
He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says he will pay her 500 dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars. 
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks. 
She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks. 
He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her: "So what is the answer?" 
She hands him 5 dollars.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Hill

Spinartist said:


> Put my 22' extension ladder in my truck & headed out to trim some palm tree seeds at a friends house.
> 
> Got pulled over by a Broward County Sheriff because apparently the red flag that's been on my ladder for 8 years, to let people that something long is sticking out from my truck, had fallen off. It was there when I loaded the ladder.
> View attachment 130233
> 
> I showed them the twine that was still attached & was told if I have another red flag I could put on it, I could go on my way, otherwise they would have to write me a ticket. A quick search of my truck & nothing red was to be found!!
> 
> Luckily I had a lady friend with me who saved the day!!!
> View attachment 130234


Dare I say it - BGP's

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Spinartist

Mike Hill said:


> Dare I say it - BGP's




?? BGP's ?? OH... They are a size 6. Photo made them look bigger than they really are!


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## SENC

@Tclem is roadtripping again...

Reactions: Funny 10 | Creative 1


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## Tclem

SENC said:


> @Tclem is roadtripping again...
> 
> View attachment 130282


You just mad cause I came up with the idea and made you ride in your wagon

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 8


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## rocky1

Strange Naval History


Some little known American military history

...
The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) as a combat vessel carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators.

However, let it be noted that according to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping." Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England . In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland . Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.

GO NAVY!

Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## rocky1

*Finally Colin Kaepernick has been picked up by a new team!*
*




 

*

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 9 | +Karma 1


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## DKMD

SENC said:


> View attachment 130429



I like kale

Reactions: Funny 1 | Informative 1 | Sincere 1


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## SENC

DKMD said:


> I like kale


You also paint your toenails.

Just sayin'.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 4 | +Karma 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## Mike Mills

Why you don't lock your dog in your car.

Reactions: Funny 4 | Way Cool 1 | +Karma 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 6 | Great Post 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 5 | Funny 4


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## woodtickgreg

Funny thing is the Canadians don't want em either!

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Kenbo

woodtickgreg said:


> Funny thing is the Canadians don't want em either!




AGREED!!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Brink



Reactions: Funny 5


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## rocky1

Well all of it except the beach at the Governor's Mansion... Governor Christie and the first lady were seen sunning themselves on the beach there, while all the others were closed.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415

rocky1 said:


> Well all of it except the beach at the Governor's Mansion... Governor Christie and the first lady were seen sunning themselves on the beach there, while all the others were closed.


And he issued to order to have them closed ...


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## rocky1

Yeah the snowflakes on the Social Media sites were upset with him, then someone pointed out that the Senate and House in New Jersey are both controlled by the Democrats, and they're the ones that can't come to terms with the budget, thus resulting in the government shutdown.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 3


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## JR Parks

Thanks for those Rocky.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Tony

rocky1 said:


>

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## Spinartist

True story!
82 year old Joe comes to my woodturning studio a few days each week.

The other day he came by & while we were turnin wood & bantering back n forth he told me that while eating breakfast with his wife of 53 years that morning, he saw an article in the newspaper about big snakes in the Everglades swamp.

FYI both of them wear hearing aides.

He commented to Karen about the article that there were lots of "pythons in the Everglades".
She replied questioningly " there are pipe bombs on the escalators?"

I couldn't work the lathe after that for about 20 minutes cause we were laughing so hard!!

Reactions: Funny 10 | Informative 1


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## SENC

It seems @Tclem has taken up modeling to start saving for Paxton's college tuition.

Reactions: Funny 1 | Way Cool 2


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## rocky1

Oddly enough, there is a strong resemblance!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Tclem

SENC said:


> It seems @Tclem has taken up modeling to start saving for Paxton's college tuition.


Me potato head

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

One day a father gets out of work, and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. 
He dashes over to a toy shop and asks the sales person: "how much for one of those Barbies in the display window?" The salesperson returns: "which one do you mean, Sir?We have Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $199.95."
The amazed father asks: "how much?! Why is the divorced Barbie $199.95 and the others only $19.95?" The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir, the other Barbies only come with an outfit. Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's best friends."

Reactions: Funny 12


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## SENC

__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=503748519972651

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10 | Way Cool 1


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## rocky1

I keep waiting for law enforcement to find my pen parts baggy stash!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 7


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 4 | Great Post 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

I'm starting to lose my mind. But as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I think I'll be ok.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 6


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## SENC



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## Schroedc



Reactions: Funny 13


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## Brink

I'm going to start writing a book.

"How to establish and maintain a puddle. The illustrated guide to arc welding for those with bladder control problems"

@Kenbo

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Kenbo

Brink said:


> I'm going to start writing a book.
> 
> "How to establish and maintain a puddle. The illustrated guide to arc welding for those with bladder control problems"
> 
> @Kenbo




This is funny all all kinds of different levels.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Spinartist

@Brink would never be the lowest bidder!!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 6


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 10


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## Brink



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 11 | Informative 1 | Creative 1


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## ripjack13

SENC said:


> View attachment 131146


Do not accept a friend request from Lizzy Borden. She's a hacker....

Reactions: Funny 8


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4 | Creative 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6 | Sincere 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 10


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## Mike Mills

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 131304


I like the Taco version best....





[

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1


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## woodman6415

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 131302


In Texas it's hold my beer and watch this

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Sincere 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 9 | Way Cool 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 13


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## Mike Hill

MURDER AT THE WAL-MART...
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor.
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plot, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband, who was also quickly arrested. 
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!!'

Reactions: Funny 12


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 5 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Spinartist

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 131346




Is that a  lic. plate on that fire truck??

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## rocky1

It works at Lowe's!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Tony

Spinartist said:


> Is that a  lic. plate on that fire truck??



NO!!!!!

And you shut up Lee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Wildthings

Spinartist said:


> Is that a  lic. plate on that fire truck??


I don't see a license plate but I do see a Norfolk Island Pine so coincidentally it must be Lee's neighborhood

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Spinartist

Wildthings said:


> I don't see a license plate but I do see a Norfolk Island Pine so coincidentally it must be Lee's neighborhood




Can't be from Florida. Our firemen wear Bermuda shorts!! 
& Norfolk Island Pines grow in  too. I been there & seen um!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Mills

Vimeo isn't just for watching Stuart Batty videos.

Maybe I have a weird funny bone... but I did spend _one winter_ in MN

Reactions: Funny 3


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## rocky1

So much energy expended when he could have just mailed it to @Tony for those 65 degree days in Texas.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## woodman6415

I wonder why he's having relationship problems ?

Reactions: Agree 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike1950

My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5 | +Karma 1


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## Tony

Mike Mills said:


> Vimeo isn't just for watching Stuart Batty videos.
> 
> Maybe I have a weird funny bone... but I did spend _one winter_ in MN



I get the coat but what the hell did the car do????

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## rocky1

Probably had snow tires on it!!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## rocky1

I'd cuss the computer, and slow ass internet, and website glitches, but it's funnier times three! 

@ripjack13 - you wanna make all them extra postes go away please.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mr. Peet

Mike1950 said:


> My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
> 
> 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
> 
> My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
> 
> We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
> ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
> 
> My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
> 
> We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
> 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
> 
> 'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
> 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
> 
> I looked at her and said,
> 'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'
> 
> My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.



Your lucky Mike, at least your wife still touches you...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 2


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## Lou Currier

WHAT?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Lou Currier

I do that from the same room

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## rocky1

My wife says I mumble, and I don't listen to her, so we both say "what" all the time!


----------



## SENC



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

SENC said:


> View attachment 131464

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## SENC

Thanks to Don for sharing this gem on FB...





__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1835911739766298

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Tony

It was 104 today, a little strong even for me!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Don Ratcliff

SENC said:


> Thanks to Don for sharing this gem on FB...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> __ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1835911739766298


I tagged my wife who shared it...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 7


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## rocky1

Probably already posted this one but for some reason this week it just seems so appropriate.

Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5 | Sincere 1


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## Spinartist

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,

"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.
Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike.
He won't bother you."

"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda 's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied,

"*Get him Spike*!"

See - Men just don't listen!

Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 132203

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1 | Sincere 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 3


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## ripjack13

Tony said:


>



I was waiting for you to say something.....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## kweinert



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Spinartist

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 132215

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## NYWoodturner

Gail just sent me this... guess she's concerned about my safety

Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8 | Way Cool 1 | Useful 1


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## Don Ratcliff

NYWoodturner said:


> Gail just sent me this... guess she's concerned about my safety
> 
> View attachment 132307


Women are so controling sometimes

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 10


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## Lou Currier

*A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO Chicago WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. *
*
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. *
*
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. *
*
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." *
*
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDEBIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. *
*
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TOEXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. *
*
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." *
*
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. *
*
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." *
*
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. *
*
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT 
ANY FUSS. 


I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO CHICAGO ".*

Reactions: Funny 10 | Informative 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 13


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## SENC

This might not translate outside of the Carolinas, but here this is pretty funny...

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 6


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## Herb G.

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. 







The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike1950

Idaho sheriff eclipse advice

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Herb G.

Old man retired to his dream property... 100 acres with a pond.
He grabbed his tin bucket and wandered out behind his log cabin to pick blackberries for a cobbler. As he filled the bucket, he heard giggling and laughing coming from his private pond.

He walked down the path, and there in his pond was a group of young 20 somethings swimming in his pond, nude.

"Hey," he called, "Y'all can't swim here, this is private property."

"Go away old man, we have always skinny dipped here."

"Okay, do what you want, I didn't really come here to see nekked kids anyway." He held up the tin bucket. He slowly began to grin. "I just came down to the pond to feed my pet alligator."

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Herb G.

I have a buddy named Jack. He got fired yesterday after working at the same place for 35 years.
He called me last nite & said his wife threw him out because he got fired.
I asked him what happened. He worked at Atlas Pickle Company for 35 years straight.

Never had a problem until yesterday.
I asked why he was thrown out by his wife.
He says because he was fired.

He said he was fired for putting his fingers in the pickle slicer.
I said Wow! They fired you for that? Yep.
I asked him what happened when he put his fingers in the pickle slicer.
He said "Oh, they fired her too."

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## rocky1

Now he tells us!

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

Some days...

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 3 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 10 | Informative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 4


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## Don Ratcliff

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 133081


Where is the blue lighter? How can i tell the scale of @Kenbo newest build without a blue lighter?

Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 9


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodtickgreg

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 133092


R not........r2........

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

woodtickgreg said:


> R not........r2........


Deez 2

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## SENC

Don Ratcliff said:


> Deez 2


Doz nutz


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6


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## Don Ratcliff

When you're rolling with your Posse but the ol'nag needs you to hit the store...Texas-style

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Spinartist

Don Ratcliff said:


> Some days...
> 
> View attachment 133020




Or hair sticks...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Spinartist

Don Ratcliff said:


> Where is the blue lighter? How can i tell the scale of @Kenbo newest build without a blue lighter?




Brah... I'm the one who grew up in Iowa!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Spinartist

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 133092


----------



## rocky1

@Tony - I found another kit for you buddy!

Reactions: Funny 9


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## rocky1

If so maybe this one explains it better...

Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## rocky1



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Schroedc



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 5 | Great Post 2 | Funny 2


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## Lou Currier

@ripjack13 ks this your truck...obviously a CT plate

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## ripjack13

Lou Currier said:


> @ripjack13 ks this your truck...obviously a CT plate
> 
> View attachment 133232



Nope....theres a bunch of stupid people that live here. Im surrounded.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> Nope....theres a bunch of stupid people that live here. Im surrounded.



Then get rid of all those mirrors around you.....

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 7


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## Don Ratcliff

@Tony

Reactions: Funny 5


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## sprucegum

Someone posted this on my facebook page wonder if they were talking about @Mike1950 ?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 7


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## SENC

sprucegum said:


> Someone posted this on my facebook page wonder if they were talking about @Mike1950 ?View attachment 133261


He'd never get out!

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## rocky1

Could be kinda spooky for the old boy! You sure you oughta post that?!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike1950

sprucegum said:


> Someone posted this on my facebook page wonder if they were talking about @Mike1950 ?View attachment 133261





SENC said:


> He'd never get out!





rocky1 said:


> Could be kinda spooky for the old boy! You sure you oughta post that?!!

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Like 1 | EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 6


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## Tony



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 10


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## Tony

ATTENTION:

Please DO NOT – I repeat – DO NOT use the $1 – $2 – $50 or the $100 bills. 
They have pictures of former slave owners on them! Send them all to me and I will dispose of them properly! 
DO NOT just throw them away.
They need to be disposed of properly and I am certified to do so. 
Send a Private Message to me if you need my mailing address.
We must get these out of circulation immediately. 
Thank you for your cooperation.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## SENC

Tony said:


> ATTENTION:
> 
> Please DO NOT – I repeat – DO NOT use the $1 – $2 – $50 or the $100 bills.
> They have pictures of former slave owners on them! Send them all to me and I will dispose of them properly!
> DO NOT just throw them away.
> They need to be disposed of properly and I am certified to do so.
> Send a Private Message to me if you need my mailing address.
> We must get these out of circulation immediately.
> Thank you for your cooperation.


Glad I only carry Grover Clevelands!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

SENC said:


> Glad I only carry Grover Clevelands!


These are the money's Maya let's me have. I dont see any slave owners on my money's.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Lou Currier

Don Ratcliff said:


> These are the money's Maya let's me have. I dont see any slave owners on my money's.
> 
> View attachment 133378


you can buy her one of them fancy green houses with that stuff!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Don Ratcliff

Only in texas is this considered a good idea. If i move back to the mainland again again I might go there.

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 2 | Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

Or not...

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> Only in texas is this considered a good idea. If i move back to the mainland again again I might go there.
> 
> View attachment 133420



That's just a regular thing here Donny!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Schroedc

Don Ratcliff said:


> Only in texas is this considered a good idea. If i move back to the mainland again again I might go there.
> 
> View attachment 133420



10 years ago we had guys driving through town after our flood stealing stuff set outside houses during the cleanup. One stopped by my house and started to load up anything metal sitting in my front yard without asking. Kinda pissed me off so I gave him a hand and started chucking things into his truck. Stuff went through the back window, bounced off the sides of the bed, even hit the brand new expensive aftermarket rims on his brand new truck......

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 3 | Funny 5


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## Spinartist

Don Ratcliff said:


> Only in texas is this considered a good idea. If i move back to the mainland again again I might go there.
> 
> View attachment 133420




That's what we like about you Don, you're a dreamer!!

Reactions: Great Post 1


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## rocky1

Tony said:


> That's just a regular thing here Donny!




Oh dear lord... I had to click on the link! Thought for a minute there you were talking about the guy in the Santa suit!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Tony

rocky1 said:


> Oh dear lord... I had to click on the link! Thought for a minute there you were talking about the guy in the Santa suit!



That's just my part time gig......

Reactions: Funny 4


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## rocky1

He's much bigger than you; does however look kinda like @Clay3063 's size though.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Clay3063

Don Ratcliff said:


> Or not...
> 
> View attachment 133421


That wasn't Texas. Florida maybe. But not Texas. He'd of been fed to the gators long ago.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Clay3063

Twernt me. I got abs.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

Clay3063 said:


> Twernt me. I got abs.


Notice how nobody argued with you? It's getting to close to be put on the "naughty list" 

I say if you want to walk around in your speedo go for it.

Now all I want for Christmas is a shop and some wood.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Clay3063

Don Ratcliff said:


> Notice how nobody argued with you? It's getting to close to be put on the "naughty list"
> 
> I say if you want to walk around in your speedo go for it.
> 
> Now all I want for Christmas is a shop and some wood.


Yes sir. I kinda noticed that. I think what they are concerned about is that I got a direct line to the throne room. Me and the Boss are pretty tight. Nobody wants to wake up with a hang nail in the morning. Take note of that.

Reactions: Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8


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## Lou Currier

Now this right here is funny

Reactions: Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Lou Currier said:


> Now this right here is funny
> 
> View attachment 133556


It must come with a lathe...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> It must come with a lathe...



Or 3!

Reactions: Agree 3


----------



## woodman6415

Not me

Reactions: Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## rocky1

And, a Koa forest!


----------



## Lou Currier

Points to ponder...

Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 2


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## Mike1950

I don't like making plans for the day, because the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8


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## TimR

Here's one for you Texas fellas...

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed,'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a real WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the cowboy from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke...



'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

Reactions: Funny 10


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## rocky1

He wasn't a true Texan! If he had been he'd have told her to get the beer then iron the shirt!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 5 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13

Can anyone tell me what this black and tan hose is for?

Reactions: Funny 4 | Informative 1


----------



## JR Parks

Jumping!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Lou Currier

Casting

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Tony

Eating

Reactions: Like 1


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## woodtickgreg

Screaming like a girl and pissing ones self! 
Not me though, I dig snakes, lol.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 8


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## woodman6415

Texas Size

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1 | Way Cool 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Spinartist

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole. 

Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me. 

Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel Everyone moves out of the way, and security can't pat me down. If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today. 

Hot Damn...Safe at last

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 6 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## rocky1

The irony of that entire situation still astounds me Tom, the city of Jacksonville, FL... Named after General Stonewall Jackson, is taking down Robert E Lee's statue, so as to not offend anyone!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 2


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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 133882


Where is the durn blue lighter! Dont you people know by now that without the blue lighter we can't tell the scale?!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Spinartist

Latest technology in hurricane auto protection!!!
(Yes... One of my neighbors really did this. I'll get an "after" photo to see if it worked!)

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

@Kenbo what are you doing in Florida and it's not like you to leave the ends untucked like that.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Kenbo

Don Ratcliff said:


> @Kenbo what are you doing in Florida and it's not like you to leave the ends untucked like that.




It started off with taking my Jeep for a badly needed vacation.....the next thing I knew..........

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Don Ratcliff

Kenbo said:


> It started off with taking my Jeep for a badly needed vacation.....the next thing I knew..........


You should come to hawaii methinks. All the other 'nadians do...

Reactions: Like 1


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## Schroedc

Don Ratcliff said:


> You should come to hawaii methinks. All the other 'nadians do...



I know he can do off road but that amount of water might defeat his attempt at the drive.....

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## Don Ratcliff

Schroedc said:


> I know he can do off road but that amount of water might defeat his attempt at the drive.....


Just punch it...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8


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## Tony



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## Schroedc

Tony said:


> View attachment 134022



We have a couple down the street and the wife makes them and getting them fresh is amazing!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> View attachment 134022


I thought they were called laxatives...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

What are they?


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> What are they?



Tamales


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## ripjack13

Aha...they dont look like that up here....


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## rocky1

That's because they all come out of a can up there!

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Even in the mexican restaurants they make em in tortillas....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1

I don't know, you'd have to ask them at the Mexican Restaurant. Are they Mexican, or New Jersian??

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## DKMD

ripjack13 said:


> Even in the mexican restaurants they make em in tortillas....



Those are burritos... sheesh!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## rocky1

All I know is they wrap seasoned hamburger in tortillos and give it 25 different names, dependent upon what they stuff in there with it. 

Tamales however are always wrapped in a corn meal tortilla, not corn flour. And, they are always wrapped in the corn husk, even out of the can!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

It's not a corn meal tortilla, it's just masa. Corn meal, spices and water. It's mixed, spread out in the corn husks, then you spread the meat or bean or whatever you want to stuff them with, wrapped up and steamed in a big huge pot. Good stuff! Tony

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> It's not a corn meal tortilla, it's just masa. Corn meal, spices and water. It's mixed, spread out in the corn husks, then you spread the meat or bean or whatever you want to stuff them with, wrapped up and steamed in a big huge pot. Good stuff! Tony



Do they make them with spam? How about huli huli chicken?


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> Do they make them with spam? How about huli huli chicken?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Informative 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


>


I guess if you have to wrap it in a dried out corn husk its not going to have the good stuff in it. A fresh banana leaf is so much better to wrap stuff in and it holds a lot more too. Like a hole pig! Silly little Texan and his tiny little rotten corn husks.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

In one of the restaurants I deal with. Tony

Reactions: Funny 5 | Informative 1


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## Brink



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

@ripjack13

Reactions: Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13

Hey! I'm batman!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Driving home I got to see this guy with his pet pigeon on his shoulder.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Lou Currier

That poor scooter

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Great Post 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Don Ratcliff

@Brink I found a pic of your first Halloween...

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## Tony



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 12


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## rocky1

Talk about snowflake's heads exploding!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## rocky1

I can't for the life of me recall which one it was what said it, after reading 20 or so articles on players kneeling during the anthem, but one of the idgits what was kneeling, was talkin about they be more than just entertainers, they be college educated, and they is intelligent. 

Soooo... why haven't they figured this out???

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## Mike Mills

rocky1 said:


> I can't for the life of me recall which one it was what said it, after reading 20 or so articles on players kneeling during the anthem, but one of the idgits what was kneeling, was talkin about they be more than just entertainers, they be college educated, and they is intelligent.
> 
> Soooo... why haven't they figured this out???
> 
> View attachment 134815



Has anyone started a "Go Fund Me" for the puppies and coloring books in the NFL players "Safe Zone"?

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 8 | Informative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 1


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## Schroedc

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 134829



I think the operative word is "woman". It works the same way up North...

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 2 | Informative 2


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 134843



Thstscs great idea! My next wife is going to love that!!!! Tony

Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13

My wife says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. 
What do you guys think?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Lou Currier




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## rocky1

Who the hell is random? 

You talk to us all the time!

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> My wife says that I spend too much time talking to random people online.
> What do you guys think?


Are we random?

Reactions: Like 1


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> My wife says that I spend too much time talking to random people online.
> What do you guys think?



Random- intelligent, insightful, and creative?

I'm pretty sure that's the definition.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Lou Currier

Us random people have feelings

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## woodman6415

Random lives matter

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## Schroedc

I think I'll have to kneel to bring awareness to the plight of random people.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Tony



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 11 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 134874



Have you seen the double barrel 1911? That would work..

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Lou Currier

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 134872



And you wife is worried about you talking to random people...hmmm

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 4


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## Tony

Great Britain used to be just Britain until Chuck Norris liked it on Facebook.

Fear of Spiders is aracnophobia. Fear of chuck Norris is called logic.

Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette wit a fully loaded gun......and won.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 7


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## rocky1



Reactions: Great Post 4 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## rocky1

Hey, I saw their cousin at a convenience store in Palatka, FL!!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Spinartist

* RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.*

*Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.* *

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.* *

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target: 
Dear Mrs.* *Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.* 
*4. July 19:* *Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it, as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.*

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 4 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## Schroedc

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 134895



Funny, we used to wrap back windows occasionally on commercial vehicles, some folks had us leave the wipers off, some had us put them back on.


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415

I've been in some that could really use some AC ... and regular scheduled maintenance...

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Spinartist

True story!

Talked with an out of state buddy today.
His charming wife of many years just had a cyst removed leaving a Ping-Pong ball sized hole that couldn't be sewn shut. He has to treat the wound, keeping it clean for a few days over the weekend till doctor visit next week. This he's is very concerned about.

He told me he's never been very medically inclined cept fer his own personal injuries over the years & some homegrown veterinary work when he had livestock.

I asked what's the issue?
He replied, " some of the cows I treated didn't survive!"

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 13


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## rocky1

Now that's funny right there! Only cost the tax payers a half million dollars for all the law enforcement reports in quadruplicate, but it'd be fun!

Reactions: Agree 4


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> Now that's funny right there! Only cost the tax payers a half million dollars for all the law enforcement reports in quadruplicate, but it'd be fun!


30 years from now Rocky, you will be as old as @Mike1950 and beyond the tax man.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Spinartist

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed
a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and
a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your
rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go
faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Reactions: Funny 11


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Great Post 3 | Funny 5


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## rocky1

Don Ratcliff said:


> 30 years from now Rocky, you will be as old as @Mike1950 and beyond the tax man.




Actually... I'm almost as old as Mike now! I just took better care of myself, and therefore I am much purtier!

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> Actually... I'm almost as old as Mike now! I just took better care of myself, and therefore I am much purtier!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 135023

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Lou Currier

@Don Ratcliff good call...tough choice

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Schroedc



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

@Schroedc thats gonna start a riot on a footlocker someplace...

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

What do you call a hookers fart?


A prosti- toot...

Badum dum...

Reactions: Funny 4 | +Karma 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Lou Currier said:


> @Don Ratcliff good call...tough choice


At least he had the decency to put his teeth in for the picture... obviously they were not fitting right though...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 5


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## DKMD

@Don Ratcliff 

I think I fixed this one for you, but under your watched threads, you need to disable the email notifications for the ones you don’t want to receive

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## Don Ratcliff

DKMD said:


> @Don Ratcliff
> 
> I think I fixed this one for you, but under your watched threads, you need to disable the email notifications for the ones you don’t want to receive


That's it. I will disable emails as they come up. Thank you for figuring that out.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Spinartist

Don Ratcliff said:


> That's it. I will disable emails as they come up. Thank you for figuring that out.




"Joke of the Day..."

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Spinartist said:


> "Joke of the Day..."

Reactions: Funny 3 | Creative 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Imagine, this could be a work shirt. Whatcha think @ripjack13 

Goonies never die!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier

@Don Ratcliff that shirt will go good with your capris.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Informative 1 | Sincere 1


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## ripjack13

Hahahaaaaa


----------



## ripjack13

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 134987



Ooooh maaaan....I need to do this....


----------



## rocky1

Hey Don... Did you get an e-mail???

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> Hey Don... Did you get an e-mail???


Nope, Doc fixed it...


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## rocky1

*DAMN!!*

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 8


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## ripjack13

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?











Ten-tickles.....

Reactions: Funny 3


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## SENC

ripjack13 said:


> How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
> 
> 
> 
> Ba-dum-dum
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ten-tickles.....

Reactions: Like 1


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## rocky1

Tony said:


> View attachment 135133



He'd be in good company... Fit right in!!

1760 players in the NFL - 935 of them have felony convictions!

Some guy pointed this out on Facebook the other night and said, that means only 825 of them haven't been in trouble with the law!

I said, "No... That means 825 of them don't have a 'FELONY' conviction! That don't mean a bunch of that 825 weren't convicted of, or plead down to, misdemeanor convictions!!"

Reactions: Informative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 4


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## kweinert

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 135140



They won't be taking a knee any time soon.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike1950

rocky1 said:


> Actually... I'm almost as old as Mike now! I just took better care of myself, and therefore I am much purtier!





rocky1 said:


> View attachment 135023

Reactions: Funny 1


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## kweinert

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 135151



At least this picture of you has more teeth. Same hat though - is it the only one you have?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike1950

kweinert said:


> At least this picture of you has more teeth. Same hat though - is it the only one you have?

Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? 

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

Reactions: Great Post 5 | Funny 8 | Informative 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415

Ok it's went way to far ...

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 15


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 5


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## bluedot

A older gentleman's description of a recent purchase
*Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon. So, today I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a 9mm Glock 17 for home/personal protection.*


*When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, -"Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader! As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on. I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear. I still don't think I looked that bad! Just need to wear underwear more often…*

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Don Ratcliff

bluedot said:


> A older gentleman's description of a recent purchase
> *Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon. So, today I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a 9mm Glock 17 for home/personal protection.*
> 
> 
> *When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, -"Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader! As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on. I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear. I still don't think I looked that bad! Just need to wear underwear more often…*


@Mike1950 this is less of a joke and more of a teaching moment that I thought you should read... 

Oh, and @rocky1 too...

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5 | Creative 3


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## Wildthings

From the shape of it it would be a "b" trap instead of a "p" trap

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 135255


I have actually seen something very close to this before.


----------



## woodman6415

Don Ratcliff said:


> I have actually seen something very close to this before.


I never have enough parts to do this ... I would have had a lot of duct tape applied ..

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 5


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 4


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## Mike1950

Don Ratcliff said:


> @Mike1950 this is less of a joke and more of a teaching moment that I thought you should read...
> 
> Oh, and @rocky1 too...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 11


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



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## Tony

@Don Ratcliff 



woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 135334

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 135332

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> @Don Ratcliff


What's that old saying? Something about not having a dollar tomorrow...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 1 | Sincere 1


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## kweinert

A dying grandmother tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the farm, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash."

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh Grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath Grandma whispered "Facebook..."

Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Bigdrowdy1

Wendell, OSHA All the way cant you see they have it ratchet strapped down



Rodney

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 135449



@Brink

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Which letter is silent in the word "scent," the S or the C?

Reactions: Like 2


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## ripjack13

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. 

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. 

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: 

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Reactions: Funny 9


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## TimR

My wife said I should ask Siri what to dress like for Halloween because of various answers being funny. 
No kidding, first time around she said "go as an eclipse...wear all black and stand in front of things!"

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## woodman6415

ripjack13 said:


> Which letter is silent in the word "scent," the S or the C?


Is that a trick question ?

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 10


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415



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## Spinartist



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## Don Ratcliff

Spinartist said:


> View attachment 135513


No means NO Lee...

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## woodman6415

If this is true I'll be one of the first to go ....,

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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



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## Spinartist



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## Eric Rorabaugh

An old man was driving down the road with his wife when he got pulled over. The trooper walked up and asked for his license. The old lady, hard of hearing said, what'd he say? The old man replied, he wants to see my license. The officer asked if the man knew why he pulled him over. Again the old lady asked, what'd he say? The old man replied, he asked if I knew why he pulled me over. The officer looked at his Texas license and said, you know the worst piece of @$$ I ever had was from Texas. And again the old lady asked, what'd he say? The old man replied, he thinks he knows you!

Reactions: Funny 8 | Sincere 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## kweinert

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 135682



I'm only 62 so I'm still waiting for the old age part of the equation. When I get there I'll let you know if wisdom accompanied it or not.


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## woodman6415

kweinert said:


> I'm only 62 so I'm still waiting for the old age part of the equation. When I get there I'll let you know if wisdom accompanied it or not.


I'm very close to 62 .. every time I get some good wisdom I take my nap and forget it..

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

I went to Home Depot recently but not sure that was a wise choice. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shoot yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off! Or maybe it was just the jalapenoes!

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee AND despite the chilis swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. 

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, shoot, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilis from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot. 

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. 

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!! 

Ok, don’t just sit there wearing that expression like you don’t know what I’m talking about! When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-#####!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left. 

Once finished and I left the restroom, I reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. The upstarts claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 13 | Sincere 1


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## woodtickgreg

Mike, that was just too funny! LMFAO! I'm crying for gods sake, why? Because I have done it, lol. Nothing better than laying down a little crop duster in the middle of the aisle and then walking to the end of the isle and waiting to see what unsuspecting victim will walk into the invisible toxic cloud, the look on their face is always priceless. I can't help myself, I'm 5 and farts are funny, George Carlin said so!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## Lou Currier

What's even funnier is when you are standing near a Black Friday line where people are waiting for a number for a big ticket item and you let out a silent cloud...they have to endure because they don't want to lose their place in line thus losing a chance at getting a bargain

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## woodman6415



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## Bigdrowdy1

RED ALERT

MEN - BE CAREFUL OUT THERE - NEW SCAM
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.
This is the first warning I have seen for men.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart.
This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, 'No' but, instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing.
Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th.
Also February 1st & 4th, twice on the 7th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.
(The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)





Wallet-less in Dallas
Gotta to go get another one.

Rodney

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 10 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415

CALIFORNIA:

The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor’s dog, then bites the governor.

The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

He calls animal control.

Animal control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 to test it for diseases and $500 to relocate it.

He calls a veterinarian.

The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $2000 to test it for diseases.

The governor goes to the hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for infections from the coyote and getting his bite wound bandaged.

The running trail is shut down for 6 months while scientists from the Department of Fish & Game conduct a $100,000 project to make sure the nature area is now free of dangerous animals.
The governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a “coyote awareness program” for residents of the area.

The state legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

The governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.

The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training regarding coyote behavior.

PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million lawsuit against California.

TEXAS:

The governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

The governor shoots the coyote with his pistol and keeps jogging.

The governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow-point cartridge.

The buzzards eat the dead coyote. 

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

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## woodman6415



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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 135751



@Sprung


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## Sprung

Tony said:


> @Sprung



That's "It's January, -10F, 25MPH winds, and I have to spend a couple hours outside clearing snow" type of clothing - and even then I'd be ditching a layer or two about 5 minutes in! Anything warmer than that outside while wearing that and I'd sweat to death!

All these Texans trying to talk about how big and bad they are and they start whimpering at the slightest talk of cool weather. The word "snow" is a trigger warning for y'all, sending you to your safe spaces!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Schroedc

Sprung said:


> That's "It's January, -10F, 25MPH winds, and I have to spend a couple hours outside clearing snow" type of clothing - and even then I'd be ditching a layer or two about 5 minutes in! Anything warmer than that outside while wearing that and I'd sweat to death!
> 
> All these Texans trying to talk about how big and bad they are and they start whimpering at the slightest talk of cool weather. The word "snow" is a trigger warning for y'all, sending you to your safe spaces!



There's even people that wear sandals in the winter up here.


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## Don Ratcliff

Schroedc said:


> There's even people that wear sandals in the winter up here.


I do, but we call them slippers.

Reactions: Like 1


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## rocky1

First thing that came to my mind when I saw that picture was... "Damn! I think I fished that tournament!"

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## rocky1

Schroedc said:


> There's even people that wear sandals in the winter up here.



Yeah, but y'all wear white socks with them... Winter and Summer! I did wear my flip flops to the in-laws one year for Christmas. Wasn't much snow. The following year was nicer yet, I walked over from next door barefoot!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Sprung

Schroedc said:


> There's even people that wear sandals in the winter up here.



I've been known to if I'm not going to be outside too long - and without the socks that Rocky suggests.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## rocky1

I bet them folks up there look at you funny!  

A lot of folks up north gave me a bad time over the years, I've kinda grown into basically 2 pairs of shoes... My work boots, and a pair of flip flops. Have a pair casual loafers that get worn occasionally on cool evening outings, have a pair of Tennis Shoes that's probably 6 - 7 years old, and still look almost new, they've been worn so much. But even up in the north country, pretty much had to have snow on the ground before the flip flops got put away, and then more so because they have no traction and thus are a tad dangerous.


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## woodman6415

Sprung said:


> That's "It's January, -10F, 25MPH winds, and I have to spend a couple hours outside clearing snow" type of clothing - and even then I'd be ditching a layer or two about 5 minutes in! Anything warmer than that outside while wearing that and I'd sweat to death!
> 
> All these Texans trying to talk about how big and bad they are and they start whimpering at the slightest talk of cool weather. The word "snow" is a trigger warning for y'all, sending you to your safe spaces!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Great Post 3


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


>



@Sprung


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## woodman6415

We sure get a lot of snowbirds from up north retiring here in this terrible state .. wonder why that is ???


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## Sprung

Hey, I never said I didn't like Texas or my Texas friends! But some of y'all (*cough* @Tony *cough*) are a bunch of pansies if the weather gets anything colder than the surface of the sun!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Tony

Sprung said:


> Hey, I never said I didn't like Texas or my Texas friends! But some of y'all (*cough* @Tony *cough*) are a bunch of pansies if the weather gets anything colder than the surface of the sun!



That's why we live in God's Country where it's nice and warm. Not like y'all crazy fools walking around in flip flops in that white poison!!!!!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Sprung

Tony said:


> That's why we live in God's Country where it's nice and warm. Not like y'all crazy fools walking around in flip flops in that white poison!!!!!



Hey, you can always put on extra layers. There's only so many you can take off before frightening everyone around you or landing yourself in jail! 

And God's Country is Northern Michigan.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Tony

Sprung said:


> Hey, you can always put on extra layers. There's only so many you can take off before frightening everyone around you or landing yourself in jail!
> 
> And God's Country is Northern Michigan.



 NOPE!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415

Where in the world is northern Michigan? Is that even in the US ? 

I'll be out here on my patio enjoying all the great weather in February.. watering my plants .. feeding the deer and birds .. while those northern folks be all bundled up looking at a frozen dead landscape ... all white and bleak .. no thanks .. I'll just stay in Gods country... green and beautiful all year round

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> Where in the world is northern Michigan? Is that even in the US ?
> 
> I'll be out here on my patio enjoying all the great weather in February.. watering my plants .. feeding the deer and birds .. while those northern folks be all bundled up looking at a frozen dead landscape ... all white and bleak .. no thanks .. I'll just stay in Gods country... green and beautiful all year round



Ya, while @Sprung is shoveling 6 feet of white poison I'll be cutting the grass!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Schroedc

Tony said:


> Ya, while @Sprung is shoveling 6 feet of white poison I'll be cutting the grass!



They make a mower for snow too....

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 4 | Useful 1


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## Sprung

Tony said:


> Ya, while @Sprung is shoveling 6 feet of white poison I'll be cutting the grass!



Currently have two snowblowers in the shed. When it snows, I use one of them. Very little time actually spent with a shovel cleaning up snow! And, if it gets really bad, beyond what the snowblower can handle, I've got quite a few farmers I know who all own Bobcats or have buckets on their small tractors who are more than happy to drive their equipment into town and take care of it. If it gets really really bad, I know at least one of them who has a 10 or 12 foot wide snowblower head he can hook up to his tractor.

Besides, according to the allergist who did my allergy testing, I am allergic to grass. So I can't mow the lawn, unless I want to spend 2+ days not breathing. I am, however, not allergic to snow, nor does the site, or even mere thought, of snow drive me to go whine and cry in my safe space. I have no problem getting out and running a snowblower. Can be kinda fun!


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## Tony

Sprung said:


> Currently have two snowblowers in the shed. When it snows, I use one of them. Very little time actually spent with a shovel cleaning up snow! And, if it gets really bad, beyond what the snowblower can handle, I've got quite a few farmers I know who all own Bobcats or have buckets on their small tractors who are more than happy to drive their equipment into town and take care of it. If it gets really really bad, I know at least one of them who has a 10 or 12 foot wide snowblower head he can hook up to his tractor.
> 
> Besides, according to the allergist who did my allergy testing, I am allergic to grass. So I can't mow the lawn, unless I want to spend 2+ days not breathing. I am, however, not allergic to snow, nor does the site, or even mere thought, of snow drive me to go whine and cry in my safe space. I have no problem getting out and running a snowblower. Can be kinda fun!



You have fun with that! Meanwhile, I'll do just like I did last year and cut the grass on Christmas Eve in shorts and Croc flip flops and enjoy the sun! (Do y'all ever see the sun up there?)


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## Sprung

Tony said:


> (Do y'all ever see the sun up there?)



Why, yes, we do! It's 62 and quite sunny right now and I wish I was in the shop instead of in the office!

And, I actually wear my sunglasses more in the winter than in the summer. That sun is bright when it reflects off that snow. Not that you would know anything about that, since you're so scared of the snow.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Mike Hill



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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier



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## woodman6415

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 135783


Campers are supposed to be winterized ??

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## ripjack13

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 135783



Should we take a knee?


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## ripjack13

Tony said:


> That's why we live in God's Country where it's nice and warm. Not like y'all crazy fools walking around in flip flops in that white poison!!!!!



I was always told, God's country was New York.....


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> I was always told, God's country was New York.....


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## Tony

That's the most crazy emogees it would let me post or there would be more!

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13

Tony said:


> That's the most crazy emogees it would let me post or there would be more!




Thanks @Kevin ....

Reactions: Sincere 1


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## ripjack13

I think theres a post floating around here that @Kenbo made with a ton of smilies in it. Just to see how many he could post....
Good stuff...

Reactions: Like 1


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> I think theres a post floating around here that @Kenbo made with a ton of smilies in it. Just to see how many he could post....
> Good stuff...



I remember a few of them, I think Kevin did one too at one point. Tony

Reactions: Like 1


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## Bigdrowdy1

I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, thinking about what I would do to keep busy during retirement, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to turn green, even though there was no oncoming traffic. An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Islamic extremists shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "Allahu Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely, and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man...that could have been ME!!" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver. 



Rodney

Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 3 | Funny 5 | Sincere 1


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## Bigdrowdy1

Only in Dallas ... You will not believe what happened last night... I went to Racetrack to get gas. As I was driving in, I noticed this Cop watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas... I saw her and thought, "Is this lady stupid or crazy?!! With the Cop right there too?!"
But anyway, I started pumping fuel . When I finished, I got in my truck and heard someone screaming... I looked out of the truck window and saw the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm and running around going crazy! I hurried over to assist the Cop who had put her on the ground and was putting the fire out with his coffee!!
He then put handcuffs on her and threw her in the deputies car... I was thinking "what kind of person smokes near a gas pump?!" But being the inquisitive person that I am, I asked the Cop what he was charging her with... He looked me square in the eyes and said... "WAVING A FIRE-ARM!"



Rodney

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



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## Bigdrowdy1



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 135948



That's one way to get 12' lumber home!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415

Good God look at all that fire power ...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Spinartist

woodman6415 said:


> Good God look at all that fire power ...
> View attachment 136004




Especially the BLUE ones!!!!

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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Brink



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 4 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 5 | Informative 1


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 136115


Nah, that is @Tony helping @Kenbo put his model together using a jewelers screwdriver. It is one of those optical illusions created by altering the normal size of an object in the picture. In this case the photographer used a tiny Texan. Now if there was a blue lighter in the shot like there is supposed to be you would see it is a normal sized screwdriver.

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 8 | Informative 1


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## Johnturner

Roy Rogers and Dale Evans were at their cabin out on the range. The local Ranger told them that there was a bobcat nearby so be careful.
Roy is coming back from some fence work and Dale tells him to leave his boots on the porch. Roy complaims because they are new - but leaves them on the porch. The next day Roy goes to get his boots and finds them all chewed up and ruined. He jumps on his horse to find that bobcat and ends up shooting him and throwing over his saddle. As he rides into his corral Dale comes out and says (OK here it comes) Pardon me Roy - Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



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## Bigdrowdy1

BRINK!!!!!!

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## Johnturner

Johnturner said:


> Roy Rogers and Dale Evans were at their cabin out on the range. The local Ranger told them that there was a bobcat nearby so be careful.
> Roy is coming back from some fence work and Dale tells him to leave his boots on the porch. Roy complaims because they are new - but leaves them on the porch. The next day Roy goes to get his boots and finds them all chewed up and ruined. He jumps on his horse to find that bobcat and ends up shooting him and throwing over his saddle. As he rides into his corral Dale comes out and says (OK here it comes) Pardon me Roy - Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?




You need to be a certain age to groan over this one.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2


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## ripjack13

Johnturner said:


> You need to be a certain age to groan over this one.



Im almost 50...I get it....choo choo...

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Spinartist

ripjack13 said:


> Im almost 50...I get it....choo choo...





Johnturner said:


> You need to be a certain age to groan over this one.


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## Lou Currier




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## Tony

Spinartist said:


>





Lou Currier said:


>



Both of y'all are old enough to know the song, c'mon guys!!!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## kweinert

Sorry about this one - just heard it yesterday and there's something about the wordplay that just sticks in my mind and makes it amusing. This may give you more insight into my personality than a normal person would be comfortable with.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?





The first is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## Johnturner

That old and more Tony.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Spinartist

Tony said:


> Both of y'all are old enough to know the song, c'mon guys!!!!




I'm only 20... with 40 years experience!!!

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Johnturner

kweinert said:


> Sorry about this one - just heard it yesterday and there's something about the wordplay that just sticks in my mind and makes it amusing. This may give you more insight into my personality than a normal person would be comfortable with.
> 
> What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
> 
> The first is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.



One more reason for an addition of the GROAN button

Reactions: Agree 4


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## Lou Currier

How about a Grrr button for @Mike1950 ?

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Tony

Lou Currier said:


> How about a Grrr button for @Mike1950 ?



The already has his own button, he doesn't need 2!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Spinartist



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## ripjack13



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415

Something my dad would be guilty of ...

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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415

A Texas thing

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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415

Guess I need to take that phone away

Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 4 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415

@Tony

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 6


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> @Tony
> View attachment 136399

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> @Tony
> View attachment 136399


@Tony are you Jewish?

Reactions: Funny 2 | Creative 1


----------



## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 10


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## Mike1950

@Don Ratcliff new wheels. Stylin on the islands!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Mike1950 said:


> @Don Ratcliff new wheels. Stylin on the islands!!
> 
> View attachment 136458


That would be awesome


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Sincere 1


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 136459 View attachment 136459 View attachment 136459 View attachment 136459 View attachment 136459 View attachment 136459


@ripjack13 this needs to be added to the list


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## rocky1

Yeah... I thought you might like that one when I found it.


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## ripjack13

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 136459 View attachment 136459 View attachment 136459 View attachment 136459 View attachment 136459 View attachment 136459





Don Ratcliff said:


> @ripjack13 this needs to be added to the list



That's above my pay grade....

but...where did you find it? in order to add it, we need the web address...


----------



## rocky1

Umm... I don't know. Have to look in browser history and see if I can find it.


----------



## rocky1

Should be able to copy it out of our uploaded images folder and keep it on same server. I would think.


----------



## Tony



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 5


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## Wildthings

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 136449


HEY what ya doing wif a picture of my front door!!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Agree 1


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 136475


He thought about safety, there are wood blocks to distribute the weight to the sides of the bucket. 

Also this is the same method @Tony uses to get on the couch and he is still with us...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Spinartist

Don Ratcliff said:


> He thought about safety, there are wood blocks to distribute the weight to the sides of the bucket.
> 
> Also this is the same method @Tony uses to get on the couch and he is still with us...


----------



## Wildthings

Don Ratcliff said:


> He thought about safety, there are wood blocks to distribute the weight to the sides of the bucket.
> 
> Also this is the same method @Tony uses to get on the couch and he is still with us...



and the buckets are doubled up for added strength

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Wildthings said:


> and the buckets are doubled up for added strength


Agreed, that is totally safe IMO. Just watch out for that last step getting down, its a doozee...

Reactions: Like 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415

You might be a Texan :

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


----------



## Brink



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5 | Informative 1


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## Lou Currier

Brink said:


> View attachment 136605



except for @Don Ratcliff

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

Lou Currier said:


> except for @Don Ratcliff


And Arizona... the two less "needy" of all the states.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415

Don Ratcliff said:


> And Arizona... the two less "needy" of all the states.


Or the two nobody really cares about ..


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> Or the two nobody really cares about ..


It has been said, "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" so i guess in that light you could have a point. Since AZ and HI don't have nearly the babies every other state has we would naturally be thought of less...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1

That's cause like Florida, those two states have an exceptionally high number of aged people in their population, and babies simply doesn't happen when the average age is 75 or older.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## Schroedc



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## rocky1

It's missing the long piece of pipe and breaker bar!

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415

rocky1 said:


> It's missing the long piece of pipe and breaker bar!


And hammer then bigger hammer

Reactions: Agree 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## Mike Hill

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde GUY were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”
The blonde opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.”
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blonde opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral The Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!
The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says, “I could have given
him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me” she said. “He made his own lunch.”

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 10


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## Mike1950

@Brink

Reactions: Funny 8 | Creative 1


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## woodman6415

Advice from A Wise Old Man
-Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
-Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
-Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
-A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
-Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled.
-Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
-Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
-Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
-It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
-You cannot unsay a cruel word.
-Every path has a few puddles.
-When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
-The best sermons are lived, not preached.
-Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
-Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
-Live a good, honorable life… Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
-Don‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.
-Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.
-If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
-Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
-The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
-Always drink upstream from the herd.
-Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
-Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
-If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around..
-Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.
-Most times, it comes down to common sense.

Reactions: Like 5 | Great Post 4


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## Lou Currier

I can relate to this right now...my dogs have been driving me crazy

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 136856


Is she a redhead?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 10


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 136984



What am I not getting? I don't understand it. Tony

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mr. Peet

ripjack13 said:


> I was always told, God's country was New York.....


I grew up hearing God's country was the USA....


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> What am I not getting? I don't understand it. Tony


I think Ray finkle is a name from ace Ventura and Gump would be forest Gump. That's all I got because I don't watch sports. There is a WWE dude named Goldberg but I dunno any others...

@ripjack13

Reactions: Like 1


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## rocky1

Google says... 

Miles 45 - James Earl "Boobie" Miles - Friday Night Lights
Ricky 42 - Ricky Baker - Boyz in da Hood.
Goldberg 33 - Greg Goldberg - Mighty Ducks 
Tidwell 85 - Rod Tidwell - Jerry Maguire
Boucher 9 - Bobby Boucher - The Water Boy
Beamen 13 - Willie Beamen - Any Given Sunday
Gump 44 - Forest Gump - Forest Gump
Finkle 5 - Ray Finkle - Ace Ventura


They're all fictional movie character jersey's.

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 2 | Agree 1


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## ripjack13

Nice rocky...that is correct.
Minus 2 of em, the rest are good movies....


----------



## Tony

rocky1 said:


> Google says...
> 
> Miles 45 - James Earl "Boobie" Miles - Friday Night Lights
> Ricky 42 - Ricky Baker - Boyz in da Hood.
> Goldberg 33 - Greg Goldberg - Mighty Ducks
> Tidwell 85 - Rod Tidwell - Jerry Maguire
> Boucher 9 - Bobby Boucher - The Water Boy
> Beamen 13 - Willie Beamen - Any Given Sunday
> Gump 44 - Forest Gump - Forest Gump
> Finkle 5 - Ray Finkle - Ace Ventura
> 
> 
> They're all fictional movie character jersey's.



Thanks! I thought about Forest Gump but that was all I got. Tony


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 8 | Sincere 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6


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## BeeHappywoodworking

Do they have retro fit kits for older cars?

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Great Post 1


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## Schroedc

Tony said:


> Thanks! I thought about Forest Gump but that was all I got. Tony



Threw me a minute because there are several Boucher's in hockey.


----------



## BeeHappywoodworking

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 136992



hey That thing behind the chair has a misleading name to. I call it the dog walker.


----------



## LSCG

ripjack13 said:


> Nice rocky...that is correct.
> Minus 2 of em, the rest are good movies....



which two don't you like?

Reactions: +Karma 1


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## ripjack13

Mighty ducks and boyz n hood...


----------



## Tony

BeeHappywoodworking said:


> hey That thing behind the chair has a misleading name to. I call it the dog walker.



We had one some time back, it's called a clothes rack. Tony

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6 | Funny 1


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 1 | Informative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 7


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6 | +Karma 1


----------



## JR Parks

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 137091


It was!!!!!!!!

Reactions: Agree 2


----------



## SENC

Don Ratcliff said:


> View attachment 136869


We could make a killin' in Jayess, I reckon.

Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 2 | Sincere 1


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## Spinartist

*An Eye Test For Nursing Home Applicants ...can you pass it?*


A School of Psychology conducted a survey called - "_What really do you see?”_
People were asked to focus their attention on this simple picture and then asked if they had noticed anything odd.

Now you also have a chance to test your skills and see if you can pass........


*Study the picture for 5 seconds; then briefly state the oddest thing you see.*_.



 _


* Here are the Results of the Survey:*


*1. *100% of males failed this test. They were distracted by the woman's large bosom.


2. 100% of the females also failed this test. They were distracted by the wide choice of doughnuts.


The real answer (see below):






* There's a mouse on one of the doughnuts……..*

If you didn't see it, *YOU* made the list and your room is waiting for you !

* Now don't tell me you saw it. I won't believe you.*

Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13

What mouse?

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Schroedc

I wondered about the donut with the thing that looked like a sperm drawn on it.....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Michele saw the mouse!....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Wildthings

Schroedc said:


> I wondered about the donut with the thing that looked like a sperm drawn on it.....


That was left by the mouse!

Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 6


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## Spinartist

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 137219




I just had to stare & shake my head at that one...

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Don Ratcliff

Spinartist said:


> *An Eye Test For Nursing Home Applicants ...can you pass it?*
> 
> 
> A School of Psychology conducted a survey called - "_What really do you see?”_
> People were asked to focus their attention on this simple picture and then asked if they had noticed anything odd.
> 
> Now you also have a chance to test your skills and see if you can pass........
> 
> 
> *Study the picture for 5 seconds; then briefly state the oddest thing you see.*_.
> 
> View attachment 137217 _
> 
> 
> * Here are the Results of the Survey:*
> 
> 
> *1. *100% of males failed this test. They were distracted by the woman's large bosom.
> 
> 
> 2. 100% of the females also failed this test. They were distracted by the wide choice of doughnuts.
> 
> 
> The real answer (see below):
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> * There's a mouse on one of the doughnuts……..*
> 
> If you didn't see it, *YOU* made the list and your room is waiting for you !
> 
> * Now don't tell me you saw it. I won't believe you.*


I have looked and looked, what doughnuts?

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Johnturner

There were doughnuts in the picture?


----------



## ripjack13

Spinartist said:


> *An Eye Test For Nursing Home Applicants ...can you pass it?*
> 
> 
> A School of Psychology conducted a survey called - "_What really do you see?”_
> People were asked to focus their attention on this simple picture and then asked if they had noticed anything odd.
> 
> Now you also have a chance to test your skills and see if you can pass........
> 
> 
> *Study the picture for 5 seconds; then briefly state the oddest thing you see.*_.
> 
> View attachment 137217 _
> 
> 
> * Here are the Results of the Survey:*
> 
> 
> *1. *100% of males failed this test. They were distracted by the woman's large bosom.
> 
> 
> 2. 100% of the females also failed this test. They were distracted by the wide choice of doughnuts.
> 
> 
> The real answer (see below):
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> * There's a mouse on one of the doughnuts……..*
> 
> If you didn't see it, *YOU* made the list and your room is waiting for you !
> 
> * Now don't tell me you saw it. I won't believe you.*



Wait...I need more than 5 seconds....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 137219



Wow....just wow....


----------



## Kenbo

Spinartist said:


> *An Eye Test For Nursing Home Applicants ...can you pass it?*
> 
> 
> A School of Psychology conducted a survey called - "_What really do you see?”_
> People were asked to focus their attention on this simple picture and then asked if they had noticed anything odd.
> 
> Now you also have a chance to test your skills and see if you can pass........
> 
> 
> *Study the picture for 5 seconds; then briefly state the oddest thing you see.*_.
> 
> View attachment 137217 _
> 
> 
> * Here are the Results of the Survey:*
> 
> 
> *1. *100% of males failed this test. They were distracted by the woman's large bosom.
> 
> 
> 2. 100% of the females also failed this test. They were distracted by the wide choice of doughnuts.
> 
> 
> The real answer (see below):
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> * There's a mouse on one of the doughnuts……..*
> 
> If you didn't see it, *YOU* made the list and your room is waiting for you !
> 
> * Now don't tell me you saw it. I won't believe you.*





I had to go back and look a second time and I can't believe that I actually missed seeing the donuts.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Wildthings

Kenbo said:


> I had to go back and look a second time and I can't believe that I actually missed seeing the donuts.


 For locating the donuts, take a sheet of paper, cut out a circle about 2" in diameter and place it over the picture. This will cause you to look at small details instead of the big picture. They say it works! But I'll be damn I still ain't seen no donuts!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5 | Sincere 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tony

I keep going back and looking, still cant find the donuts! Tony

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## JR Parks

Tony look carefully just under the white material at the top center of the photo- it took me a while.

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 1


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## Tony

JR Parks said:


> Tony look carefully just under the white material at the top center of the photo- it took me a while.



It's so wierd Jim, I try to but can't see them!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415

For those that don't like needles

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3 | Creative 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 2


----------



## Mike Mills

*Should we tell them?




 *

Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415

That's going to leave a mark

Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## TimR

For all y'all sophisticated wine-drinkers...my momma called em 'common sewers', or something like that.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## rocky1

Y'all don't be thinking about Matt when you listen to this!

Reactions: Funny 7


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## rocky1



Reactions: Great Post 2


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## tocws2002

Thought of @Kenbo when I saw this on another forum, not sure how we would know the scale of his projects if it does get outlawed.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 8


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 6


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13

Ever have a problem getting a password for a new website?

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedYouKnowWhereIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedYouKnowWhereIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Wildthings

ripjack13 said:


> USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedYouKnowWhereIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
> 
> WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.



LOL sure wasn't expecting that answer!!

Reactions: Like 1


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## rocky1

That's usually when it accepts, then you have to try and remember it, and type it all out for eternity.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kenbo

rocky1 said:


> That's usually when it accepts, then you have to try and remember it, and type it all out for eternity.



On a serious note.....with all these passwords that you have to remember now, I ended up buying a small phonebook and I list the passwords in there alphabetically. I keep the password book hidden of course but for those times when you can't remember what the heck your password is for a site that you haven't used in a while, that little phonebook has saved my bacon more times than I can count. Get a phonebook guys!!!!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Spinartist

Kenbo said:


> On a serious note.....with all these passwords that you have to remember now, I ended up buying a small phonebook and I list the passwords in there alphabetically. I keep the password book hidden of course but for those times when you can't remember what the heck your password is for a site that you haven't used in a while, that little phonebook has saved my bacon more times than I can count. Get a phonebook guys!!!!




But then you have to remember where you keep the book!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## rocky1

Save them as Phone Contacts on your cell phone, then it's backed up to the cloud automatically, and you never lose them or the phone book.
Anniversary, wife and kids birthdays work well there too.

There is a Notepad App that works real slick, but I don't know if it backs up. Want to say I had to transfer that info from one phone to the next.

Reactions: Like 2 | Informative 1


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## kweinert

ripjack13 said:


> USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedYouKnowWhereIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
> 
> WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.



Or when you can't remember your password and reset it - and you get the message "Sorry, can't reuse the most recent password."

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## wombat

rocky1 said:


> Save them as Phone Contacts on your cell phone, then it's backed up to the cloud automatically, and you never lose them or the phone book.
> Anniversary, wife and kids birthdays work well there too.
> 
> There is a Notepad App that works real slick, but I don't know if it backs up. Want to say I had transfer that info from one phone to the next.



Not a bad idea, but I bet you need a password to access it !!


----------



## rocky1

wombat said:


> Not a bad idea, but I bet you need a password to access it !!




Not unless you password protect your phone. Mine is open. I just stored it there because my contacts I know are backed up to the cloud, where I have seen issues with other files. It also saves wondering where you stored them. Go to contacts... Anniversary, Wife's Birthday, password for... etc. Simple, effective, backed up on regular basis.


----------



## ripjack13

Kenbo said:


> On a serious note.....with all these passwords that you have to remember now, I ended up buying a small phonebook and I list the passwords in there alphabetically. I keep the password book hidden of course but for those times when you can't remember what the heck your password is for a site that you haven't used in a while, that little phonebook has saved my bacon more times than I can count. Get a phonebook guys!!!!


I use a notepad.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Tony



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3 | Funny 1


----------



## Mike Hill

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 137219


Sure glad I don't see a Tennessee license plate anywheres!


----------



## Mike Hill

During a recent press conference, a reporter with MSNBC hollered from the press corps... 

"Where is President Trump hiding his tax returns?"

Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, astutely responded... 

"We've found a very secure place and I'm certain they won't be found."

"And just where is that?" said the reporter sarcastically.

Mrs. Sanders grinned sardonically and said...

"They are underneath Obama's college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration."

"Next question?"

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Don Ratcliff

Kenbo said:


> On a serious note that little phonebook has saved my bacon more times than I can count. Get a phonebook guys!!!!


Yeah but it's Canadian bacon so that's just silly...

Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5


----------



## kweinert



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


----------



## woodman6415

Just saying !!!!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 7


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## Tom Smart

Christmas Shopping

Jimmy and Candi were in a local shopping center just before Christmas.

Candi suddenly noticed that Jimmy was missing, and as they had a lot to do,
she called him on his cell phone.
Candi asked, “Jimmy, where are you? You know that we have lots to do."

Jimmy said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years
ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace?
I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Little tears started to flow down Candi’s cheek, and she got all choked up.
"Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"Well, I'm in the Hooters next to that."

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Mills

Deleted

[A]

View attachment 138017


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## woodman6415

#wewillrebuild ..... #prayforTexas

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 8


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> #wewillrebuild ..... #prayforTexas
> View attachment 138067



To say that might be a little early, there's still snow on the ground here! Tony

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 2 | Funny 2


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## Schroedc

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 138068



Minnesota does it so often she doesn't even put her beer down any more.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## JR Parks

woodman6415 said:


> #wewillrebuild ..... #prayforTexas
> View attachment 138067


Ok Wendell I have been smiling since 1:10 this pm. Actually only now was I able to type!!!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## JR Parks

*First Christmas Joke*

*Three notorious men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates*

*'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'*
*
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.*
*
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.* 
*
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'*
*
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.*
*
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.*
*
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'*

*
The paddy replied, 'These are Carol's.'* 
*
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......*

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415

News flash from Texas

Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Kenbo



Reactions: Funny 13


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Mike Mills

Just in time for Christmas. Everyone I know loves Cheetos.
This is a must have.
https://goo.gl/fQZpHJ


----------



## Tony

Mike Mills said:


> Just in time for Christmas. Everyone I know loves Cheetos.
> This is a must have.
> https://goo.gl/fQZpHJ



The best part of eating Cheetos is licking all the cheese off your fingers when you're done with them!!! Tony

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 4


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## rocky1

40 years ago!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Spinartist

Tony said:


> The best part of eating Cheetos is licking all the cheese off your fingers when you're done with them!!! Tony




I've never been able to get all the Cheetos orange off my fingers by just licking.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Brink



Reactions: Funny 7 | Creative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 7


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## rocky1

On the other hand, maybe he did, and expects the house to fall down around him.

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## Schroedc



Reactions: Funny 11


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13

This is wrong on so many levels....

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## Don Ratcliff

I think I saw @Brink on the beach today but I thought mama da brink had more ink...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Johnturner

ripjack13 said:


> This is wrong on so many levels....
> 
> View attachment 138480



Once again we see a need for the "Groan" emoji

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 138400


That should be the new avatar for @Tony 

Although when I just tagged him and saw what he is currently using I may rethink his need to change.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## rocky1

Does kinda resemble him don't it?!!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> Does kinda resemble him don't it?!!


But the current one is spot on...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 9


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## ripjack13

Johnturner said:


> Once again we see a need for the "Groan" emoji


----------



## ripjack13

Or.....this one...


----------



## rocky1

Just give him this one!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415

In Bandera , Tx ... the drive through beer barn ...

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Way Cool 2 | Creative 1


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## rocky1

Hell they do that in the bar in Mercer, ND.


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## Mike Hill

Dude Ranch capital of the world!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## woodman6415

Mike Hill said:


> Dude Ranch capital of the world!


Agree with that statement...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Hill

Mike Hill said:


> Dude Ranch capital of the world!


But I say that affectionately - my family has been in Bandera for a long, long time. Ranch owners, Indian fighters, bank president, sheriffs, deputies (back in the good ole days), cowboys, game wardens, Texas Rangers........


----------



## woodman6415

Mike Hill said:


> But I say that affectionately - my family has been in Bandera for a long, long time. Ranch owners, Indian fighters, bank president, sheriffs, deputies (back in the good ole days), cowboys, game wardens, Texas Rangers........


I thought when I got here everyone looked related .... just kidding .. some of the friendliest people in Texas ..

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Brink



Reactions: Funny 9 | Informative 1 | Useful 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 6


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Funny 4


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13

Wow....she is really creepy looking.....

Reactions: Agree 1


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## rocky1

All I can say is, the Rodham family must have had one helluva pile of money!!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## woodman6415

ripjack13 said:


> Wow....she is really creepy looking.....


And she just got worse over the years ...

Reactions: Agree 4


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## wombat

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 138825


Actually he got done for playing with the kiddies!!


----------



## Spinartist

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 138826




They must have just done an all night "cram" session.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 1


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## Schroedc

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 138925



At least he was too tall to be @Tony .

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415

Deer hunting jeep in Texas

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 9


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 7


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Wildthings

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 139115


Ahhh just right for @Tony 's cutting boards!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## woodman6415

True story

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Schroedc

woodman6415 said:


> True story
> 
> View attachment 139120



No matter how many tacos he eats, @Tony is just going to be a little Texan.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Tony

Schroedc said:


> No matter how many tacos he eats, @Tony is just going to be a little Texan.



I'm littler than I was 2 months ago, I lost about 30 lbs. with the appendix thing.


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## Schroedc

Tony said:


> I'm littler than I was 2 months ago, I lost about 30 lbs. with the appendix thing.



That's a big appendix!

Reactions: Agree 4


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## Tony

Schroedc said:


> That's a big appendix!



Well, you know everything is bigger in Texas!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Sprung

Tony said:


> Well, you know everything is bigger in Texas!



Except our height challenged little friend, @Tony

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Kenbo



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8 | Sincere 1


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## Mike1950

A pipeliner, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the pipeliner, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The pipeliner replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The pipeliner becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The pipeliner looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 12


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## Bigdrowdy1

ripjack13 said:


>




@Tony is that you? You look like your turning Blue!!!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 139206



I got that one a couple of weeks ago and almost posted it, but I didn' want to get my hand slapped! The version I got didn't say sitting on the toilet. Tony

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 139206



Got to remember your 710 cap too!

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Schroedc said:


> Got to remember your 710 cap too!
> 
> View attachment 139207



I sent my brother a pic of the oil cap on my house fan motor, as a joke, of the 710....i asked where to get it. He about died laughing....


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 7 | Funny 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 1 | Informative 1


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## Bigdrowdy1

Driving down the road tonight coming home almost got ran over by some dude texting on his phone. Made me so mad I almost rolled my window down and threw my beer at him!!



Rodney

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415

@Tony ... Tuesday morning

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415

I don't know about this

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Schroedc

woodman6415 said:


> I don't know about this
> 
> View attachment 139323



There are things I would not want to get caught up in that thing spinning around..

Reactions: Agree 5


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## woodman6415

Schroedc said:


> There are things I would not want to get caught up in that thing spinning around..


Personal things

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Schroedc said:


> There are things I would not want to get caught up in that thing spinning around..


If it spins clockwise you have a "sticky situation", if it spins counter clockwise make sure you are paid up on your life alert because you gonna fall and not get up.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## rocky1

Don Ratcliff said:


> If it spins clockwise you have a "sticky situation", if it spins counter clockwise make sure you are paid up on your life alert because you gonna fall and not get up.




See directional arrow on the box, oh challenged one!

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> See directional arrow on the box, oh challenged one!


That would have required a level of interest in the product that apparently you and I do not share. Good luck with your soprano career big guy...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6 | Sincere 1


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## DKMD

So your backside gets cleaned... who cleans the little blue wheel?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1

DKMD said:


> So your backside gets cleaned... who cleans the little blue wheel?



 Don!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

DKMD said:


> So your backside gets cleaned... who cleans the little blue wheel?



Just toss it in the dish washer....

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## DKMD

ripjack13 said:


> Just toss it in the dish washer....



And that would be the final straw for SWMBO to take half my stuff... even though she’s got all of it now.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## ripjack13

And for when you're not at home....

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## DKMD

Plus they sell replacement wheels for Hawaiians...

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8 | Useful 1


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## ripjack13

OH SNAP!!


----------



## Mr. Peet

DKMD said:


> Plus they sell replacement wheels for Hawaiians...
> View attachment 139330



Neighbor works there. A few years ago I was given a box of sand paper disc they threw out, 1/8 inch short of stock size. I did not mind helping the quality control discard such faulty product. Just wish I kept a few more for me. Last year was wire brushes with wood handles. The handles were not properly stamped. Took care of them too...

Reactions: Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill

*Don't make fun of the South when it snows. *

*IT'S RARE!!!!!*

.....................
....................
.........................
........................

Sorta like a Northern school winning a football National Championship!

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## Mike Hill

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 139328


States it has a 1/64 hp motor

I know a bunch of people who need a more powerful one............ a bunch more powerful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> *Don't make fun of the South when it snows. *
> 
> *IT'S RARE!!!!!*
> 
> .....................
> ....................
> .........................
> ........................
> 
> Sorta like a Northern school winning a football National Championship!


 I only played 2 years, so 1 championship works for me...Nah, just kidding. I was cut that year, so maybe that is why Penn State made it...


----------



## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Funny 11


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Schroedc

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 139580



I'd have figured it'd been a Starbucks first.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Hill

Nope, Martians are considered too conservative for a Starbucks to serve.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## Schroedc

@ripjack13 

In Star Wars why did movies 4,5,6 come before 1,2,3?

Because in charge of planning Yoda was.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13

Heh heh heh....


----------



## Johnturner

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## kweinert

Johnturner said:


> Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.



One of my favorite Mark Twain quotes.

Reactions: Like 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 2 | Informative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Johnturner

kweinert said:


> One of my favorite Mark Twain quotes.



Is that true? Is it from Mark Twain?


----------



## kweinert

Johnturner said:


> Is that true? Is it from Mark Twain?



Nope, I got it wrong.

Try Groucho Marx. That's the actual correct attribution. Or maybe Jim Brewer.

https://quoteinvestigator.com/2010/09/08/dog/

So it's difficult to say, exactly, who said it first. But I'm pretty sure we can rule out Mark Twain.

Apologies for the brain fart.


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 2


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 4


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 9 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1 | Sincere 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 9


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 139922



They're not wrong.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## ripjack13

@Tclem cant count that high, so he may be busy a lil while longer than the rest of us...


----------



## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> @Tclem cant count that high, so he may be busy a lil while longer than the rest of us...


Paxton can help him out.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415

@Tony .. playing with his knives again ..

Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## Mike Mills

How you know Dexter moved from Miami to Minneapolis

Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Tony

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 140011



Rocky, you've got it all wrong. This is the saying:

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Kenbo



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415

@Tony

Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415

@Mike1950 ... thought about you

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 7


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## Mike1950

woodman6415 said:


> @Mike1950 ... thought about you
> 
> View attachment 140060


 

It aint funny but true............

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 3


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## rocky1

Personally, I'm beginning to think we need to have to pass a test to be able to vote. Those that voted in the last two elections are the ones that make all the dumb and dumber videos on you tube.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Hill

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A L E R T !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A L E R T !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DUE TO THE FREEZING TEMPERATURES IN THE SOUTH!

Customers are urged to wear two pairs of pajamas to Wal-Mart!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 140057


I almost resent this - 

I also almost resemble this!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

This is how we do the snow clearing in my neck of Tennessee

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1


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## Lou Currier

This is how we plow snow in my neck of the woods.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

Is that some of that St. Augustine snow?

Reactions: Like 1


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## Tony

Mike Hill said:


> Is that some of that St. Augustine snow?



I think Zoysia. Tony


----------



## Mike Hill

Ooohhh - more exotics!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mr. Peet

Lou Currier said:


> This is how we plow snow in my neck of the woods.
> 
> View attachment 140115


 I like the RC jeep thing more, however Lou, many northerners actually use a side discharge mower to clean off sidewalk snow in certain snow types. Baggers don't work.


----------



## Spinartist

Mike Hill said:


> Is that some of that St. Augustine snow?




That'd be Lakeland, Florida snow

Reactions: Agree 1


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 8


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## Mr. Peet

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 140148



I imagine if you eat enough, they all clean you out about the same?


----------



## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8


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## Don Ratcliff

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 140200


She probably was but looked out the window at your dumb arse sitting on a motorcycle in the cold and said

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## Kenbo

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 140260




Biggest oxymoron in the world is "Government Intelligence"

Reactions: Agree 4


----------



## Mr. Peet

Kenbo said:


> Biggest oxymoron in the world is "Government Intelligence"



It was 'Military Intelligence' when I was little...how things change.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Brink

A salt and battery

Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Tclem

ripjack13 said:


> @Tclem cant count that high, so he may be busy a lil while longer than the rest of us...


Hush it wanna be yankee

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Spinartist

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 140342




Wow!! I didn't know @Brink was a millionaire!!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Schroedc

Spinartist said:


> Wow!! I didn't know @Brink was a millionaire!!!



That can't be @Brink , he drinks bourbon I think....

Reactions: Like 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


----------



## Brink

Spinartist said:


> Wow!! I didn't know @Brink was a millionaire!!!



If I was, it sure as heck didn’t come from the WB go away fund.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 5


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## Spinartist

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 140424


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 5 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8 | Creative 1


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## Mike Hill

*WE ALL GET OLD IN THE END*....


*I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.*


*Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.*


*You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.*


*I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.*


*I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.*


*Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought "Nap Time" was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.*


*The biggest lie I tell myself is...."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."*


*I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.*


*If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.*


*Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet..*


*Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?*


*Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.*


*At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.*


*Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager (Senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don't have acne..*

*Life is great!*

Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 7 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8


----------



## Tom Smart

Football wisdom (and a corny joke or three):

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football"
- John Heisman

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter,I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
– Bear Bryant / Alabama

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!”
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don't have any."
– Erik Russell / Georgia Southern

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."
- Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame

"When you win, nothing hurts."
- Joe Namath / Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall."
- Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the bat guana kicked out of you."
- Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."
- Bob Devaney / Nebraska

"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."
- Wally Butts / Georgia

"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's."
– Alex Karras / Iowa

"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.”
- Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades."
- Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David."
- Shug Jordan / Auburn

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me." He said,"Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good."
- Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel."
- Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport." 
- Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, "All those who need showers, take them."
- John McKay / USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.”
- Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb.
To be a back, you only have to be dumb."
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."
- Darrell Royal / Texas

"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking."
- John McKay / USC

"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Ohio State 's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.”

Why do Auburn fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday,
and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said,"Where?"

What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise."

If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.

How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend?
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half are able to dress themselves.

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Why did the Tennessee linebacker steal a police car?
He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

How do you get a former University of Miami football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 6 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## Don Ratcliff

I saw a joke someplace today that I thought was funny considering the people here.

Why doesn't Texas slip into the Gulf?
Because Oklahoma sucks.

Don't tell Doc...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 140754


Did @ripjack13 paint his truck black? That is a Conn plate for sure.


----------



## ripjack13

Don Ratcliff said:


> Did @ripjack13 paint his truck black? That is a Conn plate for sure.



Nope....theres more stupider people up here than me. And they're allowed to vote too...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Johnturner



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## rocky1

That depends on whether the tin is nailed down or screwed down.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## ripjack13

rocky1 said:


> That depends on whether the tin is nailed down or screwed down.



Nope, the correct answer is...
None, because fish don't like ice cream...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> Nope, the correct answer is...
> None, because fish don't like ice cream...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Johnturner

ripjack13 said:


> Nope, the correct answer is...
> None, because fish don't like ice cream...



Correct!


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> Nope, the correct answer is...
> None, because fish don't like ice cream...



Yes BUT...

If the monkey's sleeves are green that changes everything.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Schroedc

ripjack13 said:


> Nope, the correct answer is...
> None, because fish don't like ice cream...



I always thought it was "Purple, because aliens don't wear hats."

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Schroedc said:


> I always thought it was "Purple, because aliens don't wear hats."



Thats true also...

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## Lou Currier

Luke! Stoopid runs deep with this one.

Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mr. Peet

Lou Currier said:


> Luke! Stoopid runs deep with this one.
> 
> View attachment 140874



Like being outside of their home country without legal papers...

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Mike1950

@Kenbo Canadian interstate rest stop

Reactions: Funny 14


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Schroedc

Ok folks, I'm going to put on my moderator hat for a minute.

Maybe time to cut back on the political stuff. It's been getting to be more and more of what we're seeing in the joke thread and frankly some of us don't give two poops about it from either side and we're starting to completely ignore the thread. 

Ok. Back to funny stuff.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 12


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## ripjack13



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## Tony



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 13


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Spinartist



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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Tony



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2 | Creative 1


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## ripjack13




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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1 | Creative 2


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## ripjack13




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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Johnturner



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 9


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 10


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



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## Tony



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## David Van Asperen

Just my luck

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

*I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.*

Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13

Mike Hill said:


> *I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.*



Did you go before a leaven o'clock

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Lou Currier




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## Tony

Lou Currier said:


>



Change the P for the C.


----------



## woodman6415



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## DKMD



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 5 | Funny 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Mills



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## woodman6415



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## Mike Hill

*I only do what the voices in my wife's head tell her to tell me to do.*

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## Tony



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415

I would still hit my thumb with it

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## Lou Currier



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## Mike Mills



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## ClintW



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



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## Tony

Rabbit is pretty good though.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Mike Mills

Andrew Zimmern has never drawn a line _anywhere._

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Hill

Texas healthy eating pyramid

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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 141767



He should be wearing safety glasses, shame on him. Tony

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## David Van Asperen

And hearing protection because the screaming will be deafning once he gets it started

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## kweinert

I don't believe that I would like my burls harvested like that.

Well, to be honest, I don't want my burls harvested at all - but definitely not like that.

Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 6


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## Tony



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4 | Creative 1


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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 8 | Great Post 3 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

oh my goodness...this guy can't be real....

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier

I need this doctor for my PCP

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Mike1950

Plus all engineers go to heaven:

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, hell has air conditioning, flushing toilets, water fountains and escalators – making the engineer a pretty popular guy.

One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: “Hey buddy, how’s it goin down there in hell?”

Satan snickered back, “Things are going great actually. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the works. Hell (no pun intended), there’s no telling what this engineer guy is gonna come up with next.”

God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have gotten down there; send him back up.”

To which Satan replied, “No way dude. I like having an engineer on staff, I’m keepin him.”

God retorted, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue you.”

Satan laughs loudly and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you gonna find a lawyer?”

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Johnturner

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 142273



OK I'll admit it - It Took me a minute to get this. Don't tell anyone.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8 | Useful 1


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Funny 3 | Sincere 1


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## Lou Currier

@Brink guide to survival

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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 3 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Lou Currier



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## woodman6415



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## Sprung

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 142456



@Tony ?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

Sprung said:


> @Tony ?



You're real funny Matthew!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Sprung

Tony said:


> You're real funny Matthew!!



For the record, I was only referring to physical stature! On the side of morals, we all know that's something you'd never stoop so low as to do!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Woodworking Vet

Saw the doctor today, said with my balance issues I should install a bar in the shower. Its the first thing I did when I got home

Reactions: Funny 12 | Useful 1


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## ripjack13

Woodworking Vet said:


> Saw the doctor today, said with my balance issues I should install a bar in the shower. Its the first thing I did when I got home
> 
> View attachment 142481



It would be better if there was Jim Beam on one shelf......

Reactions: Like 1


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## Tom Smart

ripjack13 said:


> It would be better if there was Jim Beam on one shelf......


I don't think he would fit, besides, he's in France now.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## ripjack13

Link just in case yoo want won, doncha know...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415

Oppppppssss

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | +Karma 1


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## Johnturner



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Spinartist

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. 

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!”

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 10


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## Bigdrowdy1



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Don't know what kind of tree but it looks hard!

Reactions: Funny 5 | Informative 1


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## Lou Currier

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked. 

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415

I'm coming out of retirement... my next gig ...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## woodtickgreg

Bigdrowdy1 said:


>


Peckerwood!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike1950

TOO MUCH OR NOT ENOUGH?
You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home.
The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable.”
BUT…

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector.”

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector.”

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.”

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend.”

In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy.”

In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate.”

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor.”

In North Carolina, Virginia, WV, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky, South Carolina and Minnesota he would be called "a deer hunting buddy.”

AND OF COURSE

In Texas he'd just be "Bubba; who's a little short on Ammo."

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Wildthings

Mike1950 said:


> TOO MUCH OR NOT ENOUGH?
> 
> AND OF COURSE
> 
> In Texas he'd just be "Bubba; who's a little short on Ammo."



HELLO !!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 6 | Funny 4 | Creative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415

I need

Reactions: Funny 6


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415

You just can't make this stuff up

Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4 | Sincere 1


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## Lou Currier

Look! I found @rocky1 ‘s baby picture

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Way Cool 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6 | Funny 6


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## woodtickgreg

Al Bundy, my hero!

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3 | Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6 | Creative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 12


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 143070



Run away as fast as you can. That is NOT your wife!!!!!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> Run away as fast as you can. That is NOT your wife!!!!!


It's fake ... must have come from CNN

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415

@Tony

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Lou Currier

Spring is on the way! The trees already have buds on them!

Reactions: Funny 12


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## Mr. Peet

Lou Currier said:


> Spring is on the way! The trees already have buds on them!
> View attachment 143139



Wow, they look really swelled. Definitely time to tap in and sop up some sap.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Mr. Peet

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 143083



That's a great vehicle to take out if you plan on getting trashed...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 5 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Don Ratcliff

Yet another picture of @rocky1





Thank you, thank you very much...

Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 1 | +Karma 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 3


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## Spinartist

WOW!! Only one more post and I have 3,000 posts.....

Wait.... Damn

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## David Van Asperen

Do it

Reactions: Funny 9


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## DKMD

Took me a minute...

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Spinartist

Only took me 58 seconds...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## DKMD

Spinartist said:


> Only took me 58 seconds...



It’s about 40 degrees outside... I’m moving like a three toed sloth!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Mr. Peet

DKMD said:


> It’s about 40 degrees outside... I’m moving like a three toed sloth!



18 degrees and snowing here...plus its plural, "clamp your hams". I was looking for the other ham...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Wildthings

Mr. Peet said:


> 18 degrees and snowing here...plus its plural, "clamp your hams". I was looking for the other ham...


wheeeh thank goodness somebody posted it... I thought that was Spam and nothing was making sense!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Steve Walker

DKMD said:


> It’s about 40 degrees outside... I’m moving like a three toed sloth!



Sissy

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Spinartist

86* here yesterday.
50* tonight!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Tony

46 this morning, 79 today. 40s again tonight.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Tony



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Brink



Reactions: Funny 10 | Sincere 1


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## Johnturner

Et tu, Brute?

Reactions: Like 2


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## Brink



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 9


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## Mike1950

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 12


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## Mr. Peet

Brink said:


> View attachment 143567



I just realized they are the same ape, just reversed. Talk about book matching, pretty close. Got to love those camera tricks...


----------



## Spinartist

Mr. Peet said:


> I just realized they are the same ape, just reversed. Talk about book matching, pretty close. Got to love those camera tricks...




I think you're right!! That be one very tricky monkey!!


----------



## David Van Asperen

Think Dr Suess

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

Spinartist said:


>

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## Wildthings

Why does it not surprise me that @Tony knew this. I didn't so thanks for the explaination

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Spinartist




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## woodman6415

Wildthings said:


> Why does it not surprise me that @Tony knew this. I didn't so thanks for the explaination


That's this weeks lesson plan at @Tony special school ... I'm kind of jealous he gets to ride the short bus and I don't

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mr. Peet

woodman6415 said:


> That's this weeks lesson plan at @Tony special school ... I'm kind of jealous he gets to ride the short bus and I don't



Just get your clearances in, and you can drive the bus with Tony on it. Or is that not the same thing....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Woodworking Vet

My yard art from yesterday. Would the mail lady be upset if I set this up as my new mailbox stand?

Reactions: Funny 8


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## rocky1

One can never tell! Brother in law was mail carrier up in ND. I pasted a centerfold in the back of the mail box. He said it made his day every day on the route! Retired carrier stopped and checked it out, said I could have moved out there on the farm before he retired.

Annual route inspection rolled around, brother in law said the postmaster opened the box, jaw dropped, she tossed the mail in and slammed the box, then just shook her head. Said he about died laughing.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


----------



## Tony



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Woodworking Vet

These are actually photos that I took when I spent four months in India not too long ago

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Tony

Woodworking Vet said:


> These are actually photos that I took when I spent four months in India not too long ago
> 
> View attachment 144074
> 
> View attachment 144075



Wow. Just wow


----------



## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Woodworking Vet

Tony said:


> Wow. Just wow



In India the word 'cum' means 'with'. Now, think about some of the things you say and substitute the word 'with' with..... 

Hmm, that could just be a whole new thread

Reactions: Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Tony



Reactions: Great Post 3 | Funny 11


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## Eric Rorabaugh

@Tony that's one of the funniest things I've ever seen!!!!

Reactions: Agree 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 2 | +Karma 1


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


----------



## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 6


----------



## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Mills

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 144096



You be kidding.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## lonewolf

Woodworking Vet said:


> .
> 
> View attachment 144178


Funny that's the exact same look you get when you show someone how to clean a horses sheath.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Woodworking Vet

lonewolf said:


> Funny that's the exact same look you get when you show someone how to clean a horses sheath.



That's the same look I get when someone sees one of my woodturnings for the first time

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 12


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## Schroedc

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 144100



To be serious, the reason for it was probably too keep the slope on the overpass from being too steep.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## Kenbo

It wouldn't work for me because I don't drink but........

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Tom Smart

Kenbo said:


> It wouldn't work for me because I don't drink but........
> 
> 
> View attachment 144227


Why would anyone _want_ to catch a Canadian?

Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodtickgreg

Tom Smart said:


> Why would anyone _want_ to catch a Canadian?


I cought one, she's aces!

Reactions: Like 5


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## Tom Smart

woodtickgreg said:


> I cought one, she's aces!


So the beer trick worked?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Spinartist

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff,s Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy,s expense.

Deputy says, “License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What for?”

Deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign ”

Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Deputy says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Deputy says, “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between “SLOW DOWN” and “STOP”, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket.”

Deputy says, “Exit your vehicle, sir.”

At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: “DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?

Reactions: Funny 11


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Woodworking Vet

..

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## Brink

Tonight’s dinner is Himalayan possum.

Found Himalayan in the road

Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3 | Informative 1


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## Woodworking Vet

..

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 8


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## Steve Walker



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 144458



I was that way long before the internet came along.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 5


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Dinner time.

Reactions: Like 5 | Funny 2


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## FranklinWorkshops

Saw this in Maui

Reactions: Like 4 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## Wildthings

I like the "Four Spigot High Output Drain System"

Reactions: Agree 3


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## FranklinWorkshops

When you can't think of anything else to do with wood:

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 2


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


----------



## Johnturner



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 10


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 4 | Great Post 2 | Funny 2 | Sincere 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Funny 7


----------



## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


----------



## Spinartist

Needed a piece of blue tape & look at what someone left me!! 
Got to use every scrap!!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## Lou Currier

This one is for @Eric Rorabaugh

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Mike1950

Most famously, America's 77-ton Skylab crashed through the atmosphere in 1979, spreading pieces of wreckage near the southwestern Australia city of Perth, which fined the U.S. $400 for littering.

You got to give it to the aussies - They have a sense of humor

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Bigdrowdy1

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 144702



Don't anyone go there!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


----------



## woodman6415

Bigdrowdy1 said:


> Don't anyone go there!!


Oooopss to late ...commented in a message


----------



## Eric Rorabaugh

Good one Lou. We are known to be a little sneaky but that is hilarious. I'd hate to write that memo. Dear Captain.....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Spinartist

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 144702




@Tony ... did you get fired?? 
Dude , & you're a Mod.!! You know your not to post your phone #

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 144701



Only in California could somebody be that stupid.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

Spinartist said:


> @Tony ... I did you get fired??
> Dude , & you're a Mod.!! You know your now to post your phone #



That's funny right there, I don't care who you are!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Spinartist

Notice: To cut company operating costs & increase profits a new restroom policy in in place.

If you normally use 6 squares of toilet paper you are now required to use only 3. Use both sides.

Thank you for your compliance!! Your holiday bonus's will be bigger this year!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

You are wise @Brink

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## FranklinWorkshops

Amazing Slo-mo




__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10156427894642022

Reactions: Like 1 | Way Cool 10


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## woodman6415

When you get really tired of your helper spending way to much time on his phone

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 4 | Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 8


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## Don Ratcliff

Da @Brink wit the say'n smart stuff again.
That's deep bro...

Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 5


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 3 | Informative 1


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## woodman6415

It's so dry here in the Texas Panhandle the windmills are starting to wilt. (We haven't had measurable rain at 287 AG since the week of Sept. 11, 2017)

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike1950

A New Yorker was travelling in Louisiana around Christmas time. In a small town square he admired a nativity scene but was puzzled by one thing: the three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Unable to work out why, he decided to ask the old woman who worked at the store.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” he said. “I’m not from these parts, and I don’t understand why
the three wise men are wearing firemen’s helmets.”

She snarled: “You damn Yankees, you never read your Bibles!”

“I do,” he protested, “but I don’t recall anything in the Bible about firemen.”

She grabbed a Bible from beneath the counter and frantically leafed through the pages. Then waving the book under his nose, she barked triumphantly: “See, it says right here: ‘The three wise men came from afar . . .’”

@Tclem

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Tclem

Mike1950 said:


> A New Yorker was travelling in Louisiana around Christmas time. In a small town square he admired a nativity scene but was puzzled by one thing: the three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Unable to work out why, he decided to ask the old woman who worked at the store.
> 
> “Excuse me, ma’am,” he said. “I’m not from these parts, and I don’t understand why
> the three wise men are wearing firemen’s helmets.”
> 
> She snarled: “You damn Yankees, you never read your Bibles!”
> 
> “I do,” he protested, “but I don’t recall anything in the Bible about firemen.”
> 
> She grabbed a Bible from beneath the counter and frantically leafed through the pages. Then waving the book under his nose, she barked triumphantly: “See, it says right here: ‘The three wise men came from afar . . .’”
> 
> @Tclem


When I go visit my family down there, it takes me 15 minutes to pick back up the strong accent

Reactions: Funny 1


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## kweinert

woodman6415 said:


> It's so dry here in the Texas Panhandle the windmills are starting to wilt. (We haven't had measurable rain at 287 AG since the week of Sept. 11, 2017)
> 
> View attachment 145202



Thought for a moment that it was a picture of someone riding one of those penny farthing bicycles.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

This is exactly why I don't invite you dorks to visit. It's a real fear I have... I think that's @rocky1 in the back right...

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mr. Peet

Don Ratcliff said:


> This is exactly why I don't invite you dorks to visit. It's a real fear I have... I think that's @rocky1 in the back right...
> 
> View attachment 145242



Just don't have us over on 'Ground hog's Day'...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Schroedc

Don Ratcliff said:


> This is exactly why I don't invite you dorks to visit. It's a real fear I have... I think that's @rocky1 in the back right...
> 
> View attachment 145242



Yeah, top hats at the beach are kinda wordw....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415

This could well be me and the boss having a conversation...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 11 | Sincere 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

My wife told me today that she got a dog for me. She added that it was a good trade.

Reactions: Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


----------



## Johnturner




----------



## Johnturner

This video does not work.


----------



## FranklinWorkshops

Sign in a local restaurant: “You don’t have to be crazy to work here... we will train you.”

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Lou Currier

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Sign in a local restaurant: “You don’t have to be crazy to work here... we will train you.”



Where do I sign up to be a trainer?

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


----------



## woodman6415

Custom made BBQ pit for sale in FB

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## Rich P.

That has to be a Texas thing.... Even the Northern rednecks are smarter than that.


----------



## woodman6415

Rich P. said:


> That has to be a Texas thing.... Even the Northern rednecks are smarter than that.


Nope only works well in the fridged north ... got to keep out side really cold

Reactions: Agree 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Way Cool 2


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 145317


But you are glad to have on your shin guards now. That hitch is in the wrong place.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mr. Peet

Rich P. said:


> That has to be a Texas thing.... Even the Northern rednecks are smarter than that.



Yep, a northern thing. Just grease the grill and flash freeze any of your favorite meats. Then when you are ready to cook, they are pre-grooved to form fit your grill and jump start cooking. For the Catholic take, place perpendicular for custom tic-tac-toe from hell designs, guaranteed to release the trucker in everyone... Warning!!! the flash freeze option only works from October to April in the lower 48, northern states...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mr. Peet

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 145317



Basswood bumper? If so, it is a great wood for absorbing shock. Years ago it ranked above oak for flatbed trailers, lite-weight and cushioning...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 14


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415

Is this still true @Bean_counter ... was the year I worked there..

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415

@Tony

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> @Tony
> View attachment 145442



Get those pink sweatpants a lot tighter and that's me at the store!!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> Get those pink sweatpants a lot tighter and that's me at the store!!


Ewwww

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Bean_counter

woodman6415 said:


> Is this still true @Bean_counter ... was the year I worked there..
> View attachment 145441



The past 3 days it’s been the truth

Reactions: Agree 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Saw this yesterday in a restaurant. It reminds us just how simple life really is.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Saw this yesterday in a restaurant. It reminds us just how simple life really is.
> 
> View attachment 145452


Spoken like a true woman...

Only need two tools... That's absurd...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## FranklinWorkshops

A sexist islander must have hacked your account and posted this comment before Maya could see it. Right?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

FranklinWorkshops said:


> A sexist islander must have hacked your account and posted this comment before Maya could see it. Right?


Nah, she doesn't come on the site anymore. Just refers to it as the wood dork site.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> Nah, she doesn't come on the site anymore. Just refers to it as the wood dork site.





Not cool Maya!!!!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Lou Currier

Don Ratcliff said:


> Nah, she doesn't come on the site anymore. Just refers to it as the wood dork site.



I see what you did....reverse psychology

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Tony said:


> Get those pink sweatpants a lot tighter and that's me at the store!!



You're a girl?
Toni?

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Lou Currier

Tony said:


> Get those pink sweatpants a lot tighter and that's me at the store!!

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> You're a girl?
> Toni?



Nope, just like to have my clothes a little tighter, show off the goods!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Lou Currier

Some things you just can’t unsee!

Reactions: Agree 10


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## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> Nope, just like to have my clothes a little tighter, show off the goods!
> View attachment 145454


@Mike1950 what were you saying about fruits and nuts? Don't say its a tranyplant because he would have the niners on his back and the calf tattoo would be another gender.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mr. Peet

Confucius say, "To speed up a circumcision you need to take short-cuts"...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Schroedc

Tony said:


> Nope, just like to have my clothes a little tighter, show off the goods!
> View attachment 145454



That is so wrong in so many ways....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415

The calif D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on on Calif hwys recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Johnturner

Carpenter micromeasurements, roughly in order
-/32nd 
Light
Shy
Leave line 
Cutline/Dead on
Red C.H.
Blond C.H.
Black C.H.
C.H.
Hairs breadth 
Hair
Smithereen
Skosh
Iota
Touch 
Smidgen 
Smidge
Tad
Fudge 
Bit
Proud
Heavy
+/32nd

Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 2


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## Schroedc

Johnturner said:


> Carpenter micromeasurements, roughly in order
> -/32nd
> Light
> Shy
> Leave line
> Cutline/Dead on
> Red C.H.
> Blond C.H.
> Black C.H.
> C.H.
> Hairs breadth
> Hair
> Smithereen
> Skosh
> Iota
> Touch
> Smidgen
> Smidge
> Tad
> Fudge
> Bit
> Proud
> Heavy
> +/32nd



Trying to remember where "Gnats A$$" falls in there....

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

Johnturner said:


> Carpenter micromeasurements, roughly in order
> -/32nd
> Light
> Shy
> Leave line
> Cutline/Dead on
> Red C.H.
> Blond C.H.
> Black C.H.
> C.H.
> Hairs breadth
> Hair
> Smithereen
> Skosh
> Iota
> Touch
> Smidgen
> Smidge
> Tad
> Fudge
> Bit
> Proud
> Heavy
> +/32nd


By my calculations you measure by 704th of an inch... The only person I know that measures that close is filling a trailer with wood cinder blocks....

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 9


----------



## Spinartist

Whoa there!!

Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Schroedc

Don Ratcliff said:


> View attachment 145791



Jamaica blue mountain coffee....

Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## Tony



Reactions: Agree 6


----------



## barry richardson

Don Ratcliff said:


> That works for me...


Might even be an improvement....


----------



## Don Ratcliff

barry richardson said:


> Might even be an improvement....


They can trade what ever they want as long as it does not go BOOM on my Island...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Tom Smart

Don Ratcliff said:


> They can trade what ever they want as long as it does not go BOOM on my Island...


No matter, you will still have volcanoes that go boom.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Don Ratcliff

Tom Smart said:


> No matter, you will still have volcanoes that go boom.


That I can deal with, the other boom is BAD... Actually looking forward to going to see the lava flows when we get to the Big Island.

Reactions: Like 1 | Way Cool 3


----------



## Tom Smart

Don Ratcliff said:


> That I can deal with, the other boom is BAD... Actually looking forward to going to see the lava flows when we get to the Big Island.


You don’t see new land being made just anywhere. 

That would be really neat from a boat at night.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Creative 1


----------



## Don Ratcliff

I couldn't resist sharing this.

Reactions: Funny 9


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


----------



## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 146029

Reactions: Funny 2


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## DKMD

@Don Ratcliff Aren’t you worried that you and Maya could cause the island to capsize?

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 2


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

DKMD said:


> @Don Ratcliff Aren’t you worried that you and Maya could cause the island to capsize?


I am glad they played that twice, I did not believe what I thought I heard him say the first time. That doood has had one to many Tide Pods for lunch... I fear for Georgia and their ability to elect state officials.

Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 1


----------



## ripjack13

Don Ratcliff said:


> I couldn't resist sharing this.
> 
> View attachment 146019



Um...Michele smacked me upside my head for that one...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4 | Sincere 1


----------



## Lou Currier

DKMD said:


> @Don Ratcliff Aren’t you worried that you and Maya could cause the island to capsize?



You just can’t make this stuff up

Reactions: Agree 4


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 7


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 10


----------



## Lou Currier

What do you turn when you own a Robust?

Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Lou Currier said:


> What do you turn when you own a Robust?


that guy is always doing something "SAFE" in his out of round segments.


----------



## Tony

Lou Currier said:


> What do you turn when you own a Robust?



Does he do anything worth knowing or is it all silliness?


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> Does he do anything worth knowing or is it all silliness?


He makes some cool stuff but he is obnoxiously happy all the time and cracks himself up often. It makes me sick to be honest.

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


----------



## Tony

@Don Ratcliff who is your friend?

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> @Don Ratcliff who is your friend?
> View attachment 146144


Speaking of obnoxious people cracking themselves up...

Reactions: Funny 2


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 2 | Funny 2


----------



## woodman6415

The CITY Bus Trip....
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. 
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. 
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. 
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! 
I don't even know who you are!' 
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Reactions: Funny 8


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## FranklinWorkshops

Saw this video that @Tony took of his new Texas cattle. You've got the beginnings a fine herd, Tony. Be patient as it takes a while to load.





__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=480514892306696

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Lou Currier

Everyone needs to stop bullying @Tony  ...he has feelings

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415

Lou Currier said:


> Everyone needs to stop bullying @Tony  ...he has feelings


Where does he keep them ?


----------



## Lou Currier

About 6’ high

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Schroedc

Lou Currier said:


> Everyone needs to stop bullying @Tony  ...he has feelings




I didn't know "short" was considered a feeling....

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike1950

If it fits it ships!

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Schroedc

Mike1950 said:


> If it fits it ships!
> 
> View attachment 146286



There is still an inch or so until the bumper drags, they can load more in.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


----------



## Sprung

Mike1950 said:


> If it fits it ships!
> 
> View attachment 146286



That makes my 350BF load of maple in the back of a 2005 Ford Escape several years ago seem like amateur hour!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 146200


This would be more corrector.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 9


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## ripjack13




----------



## Spinartist

Don Ratcliff said:


> This would be more corrector.
> 
> View attachment 146292

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Spinartist

Which one of you Wood Barter nut jobs was this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
No leaves on the trees so one of you 'NORTHERNERS" it must be!!!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Spinartist

Spinartist said:


> Which one of you Wood Barter nut jobs was this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> No leaves on the trees so one of you 'NORTHERNERS" it must be!!!




Oh, wait... I see who posted it!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Sprung

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 146313



I think this is what my wife pictures me as doing with her van every time I use it to haul lumber or tools.

And thus why tomorrow I'm crawling under her van to install a trailer hitch (and a wiring harness - having to run a wire under the full length of the van up to the battery) ahead of Monday's lumber run.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13

Dont forget to re enforce the leaf springs....

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415

Really ?? You would think they would know Titebond III is water proof ..

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## FranklinWorkshops

woodman6415 said:


> Really ?? You would think they would know Titebond III is water proof ..
> 
> View attachment 146337


Typical road repair crew. One doing the work and 13 watching.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415

I'm sure this is through the construction on interstate 10

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## rocky1

woodman6415 said:


> I'm sure this is through the construction on interstate 10
> 
> View attachment 146408



Actually it was probably on the Turnpike down around Orlando, I saw one doing that stupid bat guana Monday night. Was running about 45 - 50 mph, through Construction, alongside another vehicle, and the radar wagon showed us doing 97 mph.


----------



## Mr. Peet

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 146339



This is the second time I've seen this posted so I asked my neighbors up the road who took their picture and posted it. They were even more surprised to see themselves...

Reactions: Like 3


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## Karl_TN

Seventy year old Martha woke her husband, seventy-five year old George from his nap on the sofa. 

"There is a truck backed up to your shop and thieves are loading up your tools and wood stash." she told him in a frightened voice. 

He immediately looked out the window, then phoned the police. 

The police informed him that it was Saturday night and they were really busy but would have an officer over to his place as soon as one was available, probably in about half an hour. He was advised to stay inside the house with the doors locked until they got there. 

He hung up the phone, waited about a minute and called back. 

"This is the fellow that just called about the thieves stealing his tools, don't hurry, I just shot them." 

Three minutes later an ambulance and two police cars arrived and the burglars were caught red-handed."What is going on here?" asked one of the officers, "We were informed that you had shot them." 

"Yeah, and I was informed that nobody was available." Old George replied.

Reactions: Like 6 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Johnturner

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 146821



OK I know the math is wrong but I don't get the humor.

Reactions: Creative 1


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## rocky1

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 146821



That's the same plan the Federal Government uses computing their budget isn't it???

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Johnturner

Rocky
Sorry to be dense but I still don't get it.


ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 146821


----------



## ripjack13

Johnturner said:


> Rocky
> Sorry to be dense but I still don't get it.



Add it up.....a penny a day for a whole year. Equals 365...(give or take a penny for the leap year)...


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## Johnturner

I got that much -but why is it funny??


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## rocky1

Cause that's only $3.65, not $667.95... Someone is going to be seriously disappointed at the end of 365 days!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Johnturner

Oh OK I thought there was something else that made it funny. OK I get it.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Mr. Peet

Johnturner said:


> Oh OK I thought there was something else that made it funny. OK I get it.



I showed it to a 12 year old and they were excited about saving some money. The humor was in seeing their face, the sadness was knowing the schools are failing...

Reactions: Agree 3


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## tocws2002

@rocky1 @ripjack13 @Mr. Peet @Johnturner 

Here is where the $667.95 in pennies comes from...not exactly a penny a day, but a "penny challenge".

Reactions: Like 1


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## Herb G.

woodman6415 said:


> I'm sure this is through the construction on interstate 10
> 
> View attachment 146408


There's one of those in Va. where we got our rescue dog last week.
Traffic was sitting still for a red light, and it said everyone was doing 62 MPH.
In a 25 MPH zone. Um, yeah, right.


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## ripjack13

Did you hear about the woodworker who died by falling into a vat of varnish? 



It was a sad end but a beautiful finish.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Mills

I think this printer must belong to a snowflake...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Wildthings

That is EXACTLY my situation!! ^^^^^


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## woodman6415

Heard you talking about the $160 extreme cut jeans the other day, so I thought, why pay $160 when I can do it myself & still be a fashion leader…..Bill Katinowsky

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## DKMD

The real reason @Don Ratcliff moved back to the islands...

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Schroedc

rocky1 said:


> Cause that's only $3.65, not $667.95... Someone is going to be seriously disappointed at the end of 365 days!



I'm not going to do the math but maybe it's one penny the first day, two pennies the second day, three the third day and so on.... .


----------



## Schroedc

DKMD said:


> The real reason @Don Ratcliff moved back to the islands...
> 
> View attachment 146923



Not how I envisioned the welcome wagon...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1

Schroedc said:


> I'm not going to do the math but maybe it's one penny the first day, two pennies the second day, three the third day and so on.... .




Pretty sure that is correct. I didn't do the math, but exponentially that would I believe be somewhere close.


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## woodman6415

DKMD said:


> The real reason @Don Ratcliff moved back to the islands...
> 
> View attachment 146923


I was there for AAW symposium last year and I can guarantee I wasn't welcomed anally ... period ... homey don't play those games

Reactions: Funny 2 | Sincere 1


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## Schroedc

woodman6415 said:


> I was there for AAW symposium last year and I can guarantee I wasn't welcomed anally ... period ... homey don't play those games



Maybe it's just the first 25 million that get that welcome...

Reactions: Funny 1 | Creative 1


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## woodman6415

Schroedc said:


> Maybe it's just the first 25 million that get that welcome...


I'm glad I was after those guys

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Lou Currier

I’m glad I that they advertised that it was unused...who would want used firewood 





You just can’t make this stuff up

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

DKMD said:


> The real reason @Don Ratcliff moved back to the islands...
> 
> View attachment 146923


I must have missed that welcome wagon thankfully.


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13

Uh oh....

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Walked by this establishment in Kristiansan, Norway. I'll let your imagination roam on this one.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 1 | Creative 1


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 8 | +Karma 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier

Do you see those finger nails


----------



## Spinartist

Lou Currier said:


> Do you see those finger nails






Wait... Is that the Vagisil aisle!!??!!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

A guy walks into a dentist's office. The dentist says, "how can I help you?"
The guy says, "I'm a moth."
The dentist says, "excuse me?"
The guy says again, "I'm a moth."
The dentist says, "I think you need a psychiatrist not a dentist."
The guy says, "I saw a psychiatrist."
The dentist says, "so what are you doing here?"
The guy says, "your light was on."

Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 147254

Reactions: Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 147275


How much are your neighbors selling the house for? I'm always looking for a great bellow market deal...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> How much are your neighbors selling the house for? I'm always looking for a great bellow market deal...



You know, it's funny, the last time I was out there the house next door was for sale......

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> You know, it's funny, the last time I was out there the house next door was for sale......


Shhhhh have new unsuspecting new neighbors now ... let’s see how long they last ...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415

Don Ratcliff said:


> How much are your neighbors selling the house for? I'm always looking for a great bellow market deal...


I think it went for 376000.00 a bargain ..

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> You know, it's funny, the last time I was out there the house next door was for sale......



And newest neighbors haven’t even started new house behind us yet ... very unsuspecting...


----------



## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> And newest neighbors haven’t even started new house behind us yet ... very unsuspecting...


I almost feel like a PSA should go out but I would rather sit back and watch the carnage...

Wish I was there.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 9 | Creative 1


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Lou Currier

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 147316



I bought one of those and they are a rip-off...the water pressure sucks

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415

@Tony got plans for the weekend...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 5


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## FranklinWorkshops

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 147315


This is the Gospel truth, guys. We had a lot of copperheads in the mountains of East Tennessee where I grew up. My grandfather taught me early on that if you go into a barn or outbuilding and smell a fragrance like cucumber to get out quickly. That is a sure sign of copperheads. That proved true twice when I was working on the farm. Went back with a shotgun and killed three in one shed and one in another.

Reactions: Informative 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 1


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## SENC

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 147347


Don't knock it til you try it!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Wildthings

SENC said:


> Don't knock it til you try it!


Amen! I made one and it works good

Reactions: Like 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415

Wildthings said:


> Amen! I made one and it works good


And just think if you had used one of those Yeti coolers the ice would last 14 years ..

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## DKMD

http://babylonbee.com/news/study-av...time-running-around-house-turning-lights-off/

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## FranklinWorkshops

DKMD said:


> http://babylonbee.com/news/study-av...time-running-around-house-turning-lights-off/



It's the same 97% of the "climate" scientists that claim humans are causing the earth's climate change. Total BS but funny.


----------



## woodman6415

DKMD said:


> http://babylonbee.com/news/study-av...time-running-around-house-turning-lights-off/


So true in my case ... and shutting doors to keep cold/hot air in ..... now when I visit my grown kids .. I turn every light on .. leave outside doors open ... stand in front of thier refrigerator with door open and stare at whenever is there with a blank look on my face for at least 10 minutes ... I don’t get many invites for some reason

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8


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## FranklinWorkshops

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 147568


Probably from a wall. She is the Duchess of Cornwall.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 2 | +Karma 1 | Creative 1


----------



## tocws2002

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 147570



Yep, that dude should not own a gun....I know we are looking at his image in a mirror, but seems he has a left handed revolver in his right hand, finger on the trigger, and the "clip" in backwards.  Not to mention, that looks like a fully, semi-automatic, high capacity clipmagazine, sniper, assault-style, military-like, something caliber, tactical, weapon
...who really needs one of those anyways?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## tocws2002



Reactions: Like 2 | Thank You! 1 | Funny 5 | +Karma 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Strider

FranklinWorkshops said:


> This is the Gospel truth, guys. We had a lot of copperheads in the mountains of East Tennessee where I grew up. My grandfather taught me early on that if you go into a barn or outbuilding and smell a fragrance like cucumber to get out quickly. That is a sure sign of copperheads. That proved true twice when I was working on the farm. Went back with a shotgun and killed three in one shed and one in another.



Good to know- I'll be helping ma old aunt pack things. She's moving to NYC...And has a big garden!


----------



## Strider



Reactions: Agree 3


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## Kenbo

Strider said:


>




Not bloody likely.

Reactions: Agree 6


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## rocky1

Kenbo said:


> Not bloody likely.



I'm really beginning to worry about our society, between watching the 2 retards I work with on a daily basis, and seeing things in general when out in public.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Eric Rorabaugh

You're lucky Rocky, only 2 retards!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


----------



## kweinert

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet her parents and to have dinner with them.

Since this is such a big event the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to go out and have sex for the first time.

He, of course, is very pleased but he's never had sex before. He takes a trip to the drug store to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist that it's his first time and the pharmacist takes about an hour helping him out, telling him all there is to know about the different types of condoms, sex, and all that stuff.

At the register the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy - a 3 pack, 10 pack, or the mega pack.

The boy insists on the mega pack because he thinks he'll be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

Friday rolls around and the boy shows up at her house and is greeted at the door by his girlfriend.

The boy goes in to the dinner table where the family is already seated. He offers to say grace and sits with his head bowed. A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer. Ten minutes pass and he's still sitting there with his head bowed.

Finally after 20 minutes his girlfriend leans over and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious."

He whispered back "And I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."

Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 2 | Informative 1 | Creative 3 | Useful 1


----------



## Tony

Posted on FB marketplace here...


----------



## TimR

Tony said:


> Posted on FB marketplace here...
> View attachment 147658


All sorts of wrong...

Reactions: Agree 1


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> You're lucky Rocky, only 2 retards!



Yeah, but I only got 2 employees  working with me in the field! It makes for a long day!!

Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 2 | Sincere 1


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 2


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 11


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 5


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Lou Currier

@rocky1 ...are those your brothers?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## rocky1

Lou Currier said:


> @rocky1 ...are those your brothers?




Nooo... I've only got one brother, and he ain't that smart, or that purty.

Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## Brink



Reactions: Funny 12 | Informative 1


----------



## Schroedc

Brink said:


> View attachment 147790



For you that would be cannibalism....

Reactions: Agree 2


----------



## Brink

Schroedc said:


> For you that would be cannibalism....




Huh???

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1 | Informative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Sincere 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mr. Peet

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 147717



Thanks for posting that. Makes me feel better seeing Keith Urban fail at something...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

I was going to post up a joke about time travel, but you guys didn't like it....

Reactions: Funny 7 | +Karma 1


----------



## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415

ripjack13 said:


> I was going to post up a joke about time travel, but you guys didn't like it....


You need to speak slower for the handicapped like me .. I had to read that 3 times before I got it

Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13

woodman6415 said:


> You need to speak slower for the handicapped like me .. I had to read that 3 times before I got it



I knew that was going to happen, so I typed it reeeeeaaallly slow.....

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> I knew that was going to happen, so I typed it reeeeeaaallly slow.....

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## Clay3063

woodman6415 said:


> You need to speak slower for the handicapped like me .. I had to read that 3 times before I got it



Seems like I recall someone talking about this....

They said that your mom wrote you a letter once while you were away to summer camp. It started off, "Dear Wendell. I am writing this slow because I know you can't read very fast...."

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13

Clay3063 said:


> Seems like I recall someone talking about this....
> 
> They said that your mom wrote you a letter once while you were away to summer camp. It started off, "Dear Wendell. I am writing this slow because I know you can't read very fast...."

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415

ripjack13 said:


>


Had to give up the smoking .. but still have the rocking mullet...

Reactions: Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


----------



## woodman6415

Only a transplanted northerner would come up with this ..
It’s not even warm here yet

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1 | Sincere 1


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## ripjack13

woodman6415 said:


> but still have the rocking mullet...



Pix!!!!

Reactions: Agree 2


----------



## Tony




----------



## TimR



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415

ripjack13 said:


> Pix!!!!


I would but I’m wanted in several states

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Spinartist

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 148102



 
I love cats!!!

Reactions: Funny 2


----------



## Johnturner



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415

Johnturner said:


>


Same worthless doctor I’ve been going too...

Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Lou Currier

Perfect sized cutting board for @Tony

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


----------



## Tony



Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 4 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## Tony



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5 | +Karma 1 | Sincere 1


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## woodman6415

@Tony akways tells me this .. don’t know why ...

Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 2


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## Tony




----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 12


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Don Ratcliff

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 148357


I remember taking my bird to the ballpark.
Poof!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier

No picture 

Much better

Reactions: Like 1


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## woodman6415

Somewhere in Texas ...

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2


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## Don Ratcliff

We are exploring the island today, getting close to the lava flow and I think I have found out what pissed off Pele so bad.

What is this crap?





I will admit they made a delicious pulled pork sammy.

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Don, that is reverse cultural appropriation to the extreme. *Cultural appropriation* is a concept dealing with the adoption of the elements of a minority *culture* by members of the dominant *culture*. It is distinguished from equal *cultural *exchange due to the presence of a colonial element and imbalance of power.


----------



## Don Ratcliff

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Don, that is reverse cultural appropriation to the extreme. *Cultural appropriation* is a concept dealing with the adoption of the elements of a minority *culture* by members of the dominant *culture*. It is distinguished from equal *cultural *exchange due to the presence of a colonial element and imbalance of power.


I don't care what it's called, it pissed off the Hawaiian gods enough that they are trying to cover it in lava.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415

Don Ratcliff said:


> We are exploring the island today, getting close to the lava flow and I think I have found out what pissed off Pele so bad.
> 
> What is this crap?
> 
> View attachment 148544
> 
> I will admit they made a delicious pulled pork sammy.


That’s probably the reason the gods didn’t fry the entire island ... Texas BBQ is Food for the Gods ... and me

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


----------



## ripjack13

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza ... I should've had it on aloha setting....

Reactions: Funny 5


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## rocky1

What did you have it set on, Kileuea?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


----------



## Johnturner



Reactions: Funny 12


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## Don Ratcliff

So I just hooked up a new Amazon Alexa and said tell me a joke. Here ya go...

What do you call a grisly with no teeth.

A gummy bear 

I'm putting it back in the box to return it now...

Reactions: Funny 7


----------



## Wildthings

That would be Grizzly not Grisly - a Grisly bear would be full of Gristle -- just sayin --

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Wildthings said:


> That would be Grizzly not Grisly - a Grisly bear would be full of Gristle -- just sayin --


Thank you spelling police. I will start double checking auto correct going forward because you dorks don't get the joke unless it is spelled correctly. 

OR...

Read, laugh, move on with your day...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


----------



## rocky1

I'm surprised he got bear right!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 4


----------



## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> I'm surprised he got bear right!
> 
> 
> View attachment 148610


You can just duck off

Reactions: Funny 6


----------



## Clay3063

Don Ratcliff said:


> So I just hooked up a new Amazon Alexa and said tell me a joke. Here ya go...
> 
> What do you call a grisly with no teeth.
> 
> A gummy bear
> 
> I'm putting it back in the box to return it now...


Hay!!! Hukt on foniks werkt 4 me 2!!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


----------



## Mike1950

probably get deleted but it is funny

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


----------



## Mike1950

and my political post for today to rile everyone up!!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


----------



## Tony



Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 3 | Great Post 1


----------



## FranklinWorkshops

Tony said:


> View attachment 148622


My dad used to say that if a problem can't be fixed, just get a bigger hammer. Lots of truth in that.

Reactions: Agree 2


----------



## Mike Mills

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Don, that is reverse cultural appropriation to the extreme. *Cultural appropriation* is a concept dealing with the adoption of the elements of a minority *culture* by members of the dominant *culture*. It is distinguished from equal *cultural *exchange due to the presence of a colonial element and imbalance of power.



Can you have Cathy Arue explain this to me?


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Mike Mills said:


> Can you have Cathy Arue explain this to me?



Well you see,

Reactions: Like 1


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## Clay3063

Mike1950 said:


> and my political post for today to rile everyone up!!!!
> 
> View attachment 148619


Why would we get riled? I say we give em all the Mickey D's they want. Think about it. If they want to die a slow slow death who are we to argue? Been killing us for years now. Let's share the love!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Clay3063

Mike Mills said:


> Can you have Cathy Arue explain this to me?


My head hurts.

Reactions: Like 1


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5 | Sincere 2


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


----------



## Mike Mills

Sounds like a good 2018 political slogan ...

Pot Heads for Pot Holes

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


----------



## Lou Currier

Caption this...

Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## DKMD

Darwin’s Home Repair and Remodeling

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


----------



## Don Ratcliff

There, I fixed it so safe.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


----------



## Tony

A typical Saturday.


Lou Currier said:


> Caption this...
> 
> View attachment 148711


----------



## Spinartist

Hillbilly scaffolding at it's best!!


----------



## Spinartist

Well, she said she wanted a fireplace on the third floor...

Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## Eric Rorabaugh

Hey ya'll, watch this!


----------



## Don Ratcliff

The same kind of engineering prowess is employed by @ripjack13 when working on Michele's car...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


----------



## Tony



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 10


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6


----------



## woodman6415

Actual photo of a Texas chigger.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


----------



## woodman6415

A vocabulary lesson.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 5 | Funny 1 | Informative 1


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 2


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 7 | Informative 1


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 4


----------



## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 5


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 148821


I'm offended, I am 2' taller than the tiny texan... at least!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> I'm offended, I am 2' taller than the tiny texan... at least!





I think it's closer to a foot and a half. I know you're used to lying about size but c'mon Don.....

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> I think it's closer to a foot and a half. I know you're used to lying about size but c'mon Don.....


@ripjack13 told me you are 4'2" which makes me 2' taller. I dont even need to use my "special" tape...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> @ripjack13 told me you are 4'2" which makes me 2' taller. I dont even need to use my "special" tape...

Reactions: Funny 2


----------



## ripjack13

Don Ratcliff said:


> @ripjack13 told me you are 4'2" which makes me 2' taller. I dont even need to use my "special" tape...



Don't make me get my special tape out now.....

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> View attachment 148867


Dont get you diaper all bunched up cowboy...

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> Don't make me get my special tape out now.....


I almost always remember the first 3 inches broke off the end...

Reactions: Funny 2


----------



## Mr. Peet

Don Ratcliff said:


> I'm offended, I am 2' taller than the tiny texan... at least!


 I assume you have little feet...or were they width wise versus length wise? Other wise, 24 inches seems a bit of a Texas tale...


----------



## ripjack13

Don Ratcliff said:


> I almost always remember the first 3 inches broke off the end...



Well you almost always have misremembered...
It goes by feet.....


----------



## Schroedc

He keeps using ( ' ) when I think he really means ( " )......

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Don Ratcliff

I have met both of you knuckleheads and have proof I'm taller than both. I guess that makes you Tony sized...


----------



## Schroedc

Don Ratcliff said:


> I have met both of you knuckleheads and have proof I'm taller than both. I guess that makes you Tony sized...



You say that like it's a bad thing.....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


----------



## Tony




----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 1


----------



## ripjack13




----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


----------



## ripjack13

Easy to read rule, so easy in fact, a crazy misplaced texourian islander can read it to a vertically challenged messy texan....

Reactions: Great Post 1


----------



## Mike1950

for @Don Ratcliff

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


----------



## Spinartist

Joe, 83 years young, comes to my studio 3 to 4 days a week to turn wood in air-conditioned comfort. Friday he started a new medication ( not the happy ones some of you  take) & one of the side effects is diarrhea. It hit him hard Saturday through Monday (he stopped taking it).

Now I'm one that believes in sending a note when a good friend is feeling down so I consulted with a few others that know Joe & we decided to give him a helpful gift & a nice get well card.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


----------



## Eric Rorabaugh

OMG that's too funny. Poor ole Joe!

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 1


----------



## Lou Currier

Can he read the card though? Maybe you should have gotten one of those big ones with big letters.

Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## Spinartist

Lou Currier said:


> Can he read the card though? Maybe you should have gotten one of those big ones with big letters.




Joe can see fine, he's deaf. Herbie's the blind one...

Reactions: Funny 4


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


----------



## Tom Smart

Yeah, tattoo parlors should not be next to bars.....

Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## rocky1

Feels like temp of 110 degrees by 2 pm today! Yeee Haaa!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2 | Sincere 1


----------



## Lou Currier

Yup...in the shop early, packed it up before noon.


----------



## Spinartist

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....
You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports and play on the Internet all night...

You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she's going to have a monster hangover.....
You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night....

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece.....
You circle the car looking for dents and find none....

But ..... Wait a minute...

Reactions: Funny 8 | Informative 1


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## Spinartist

Lou Currier said:


> Yup...in the shop early, packed it up before noon.



I want 80* high fer the day(no rain) when I'm there next month to demo fer your woodturning guild!!


----------



## Lou Currier

Spinartist said:


> I want 80* high fer the day(no rain) when I'm there next month to demo fer you woodturning guild!!



Is it all set up?


----------



## Spinartist

Lou Currier said:


> Is it all set up?




Yep. All set up!!


----------



## Johnturner



Reactions: Funny 7


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 1


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 3


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


----------



## Spinartist

Lou Currier said:


> Can he read the card though? Maybe you should have gotten one of those big ones with big letters.




I forgot to say that I signed Herbie's name in brail, really!!


----------



## Spinartist



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 7 | Creative 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 149151


You obviously aren't from Texas if you just figured that out Lou...

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Lou Currier

Hard to find good comedians like this anymore. 





__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1689599754424987

Reactions: Funny 7


----------



## Johnturner

Rodney was the best
They don't make them like that anymore.

Reactions: Agree 3


----------



## Lou Currier

@Tony is this your crew?

Reactions: Funny 6


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 9


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 5 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


----------



## FranklinWorkshops

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 149190


Lots of truth in this. All us husbands know when something has PO'd our wives. We may not know what caused the issue but we all know to apologize immediately even though we aren't sure if it's our fault. That solves two problems. 1) You short stop the argument so it doesn't grow and 2) if it turns out not to be our fault, we are at least sympathizing which scores points that are useful later.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Great Post 3


----------



## Johnturner



Reactions: Funny 9


----------



## Lou Currier

I found the new Texas emoji

Reactions: Funny 6


----------



## woodman6415

Lou Currier said:


> I found the new Texas emoji


Not .... that’s what all the gay pride parade marchers in Portland looked like ... I was there

Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> Not .... that’s what all the gay pride parade marchers in Portland looked like ... I was there

Reactions: Funny 7


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 2


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 2


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 1


----------



## Lou Currier

And a rare  fashion model

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

Lou Currier said:


> And a rare  fashion model
> 
> View attachment 149256


I always hear the griping about how hot it is in Texas but come on @Tony ... really... put on your big boy pants and suck it up. You choose to live there.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Lou Currier

Can’t be @Tony ...too tall

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Lou Currier said:


> Can’t be @Tony ...too tall


I thought it was a doll house...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

Lou Currier said:


> And a rare  fashion model
> 
> View attachment 149256



Nope, not me. You'll never see me with my cap on backwards like a hoodrat, that' one of my pet peeves. Otherwise, ya, I've gone out dressed like that.....

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike1950

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 9


----------



## woodman6415

Mike1950 said:


> Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
> The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
> The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
> The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
> The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
> The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
> Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
> "Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."



Now that’s funny

Reactions: Agree 2


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## woodman6415

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. 
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. 
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions; 
Have you any grounds? 
Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home. 
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? 
It made of concrete. 
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? 
No we have a carport, and not need one. 
I mean, What are your relations like? 
All my relations still in Poland 
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? 
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. 
Does your wife beat you up? 
No, I always up before her. 
Is your wife a nagger? 
No, she white. 
Why do you want this divorce? 
She going to kill me. 
What makes you think that? 
I got proof. 
What kind of proof? 
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put it on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 
Polish Remover.

-Hilarious Grandpa

Reactions: Funny 6


----------



## Kenbo



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1 | Informative 1 | Useful 2


----------



## Mike1950



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 11


----------



## Lou Currier

Kenbo said:


> View attachment 149322



 my head hurts

Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


----------



## woodman6415

Truth

Reactions: Agree 6 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


----------



## Don Ratcliff

I found a drill press for @Brink

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## ripjack13




----------



## ripjack13




----------



## ripjack13

For @Brink

Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## ripjack13

Another one for @Brink


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## ripjack13




----------



## ripjack13




----------



## ripjack13




----------



## ripjack13




----------



## ripjack13




----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 4


----------



## Lou Currier

@ripjack13 what are you doing....going back and copying all the old posts

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


----------



## ripjack13

Oops. I had a bunch on my phone. I needed to get rid of. I thought they were from somewhere else!

Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Here's a new one @ripjack13

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


----------



## ripjack13

Well, if you wash it properly , no worries....right?

Reactions: Agree 2


----------



## ripjack13

But, just to be safe, I wipe the bottom last....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Sincere 1


----------



## ripjack13

Too much info, Michele says...

Reactions: Funny 4


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


----------



## Steve Walker



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


----------



## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Spinartist said:


>


It is like talking to @Tony ....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


----------



## Johnturner

I was in the woods yesterday , I heard some arguing , as I got closer to the voices , I noticed it was a Beech Tree and a Birch Tree , they were arguing over a small sapling that was growing between them , the Beech is saying that it is his off spring , while the Birch is clamming as hers . Along comes a Woodpecker , the trees flag down the bird and ask if it would fly down to the sapling and peck on it to determine what tree it is the off spring of , the woodpecker agreed , after pecking on the sapling , the woodpecker says , well its not a son of a beech , nor is it a son of a Birch , but it is the best piece Ash i have ever had .

Reactions: Funny 7


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Wish they had this in my size...

Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## kweinert

Don Ratcliff said:


> Here's a new one @ripjack13
> 
> View attachment 149448

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


----------



## Lou Currier

I found @Brink ‘s baby picture

Reactions: Funny 10


----------



## Johnturner

Brink was so cute when he was a little monk

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Lou Currier said:


> I found @Brink ‘s baby picture
> 
> View attachment 149511


I think it was more like this for his baby pics. .

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4 | +Karma 1


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 8


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 5


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 7 | Funny 1


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


----------



## Johnturner



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


----------



## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 149520


Did Michael dye her hair?

Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## SENC

I apologize in advance to Don and any others with man-buns, but this was too funny not to share...

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


----------



## Don Ratcliff

SENC said:


> I apologize in advance to Don and any others with man-buns, but this was too funny not to share...
> 
> View attachment 149521


I only wish I had enough hair for a man bun.

Reactions: Funny 2


----------



## ripjack13

SENC said:


> I apologize in advance to Don and any others with man-buns, but this was too funny not to share...
> 
> View attachment 149521



Don doesnt have enough hair for a bun....

Reactions: Agree 1


----------



## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 149517


Is that @rocky1

Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## ripjack13

Don Ratcliff said:


> I only wish I had enough hair for a man bun.



Beat me to the punch....lol

Reactions: Like 1


----------



## woodman6415

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 149519


All the time for me


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?


Because its pointless...

Reactions: Funny 4


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Boobytrap spelled backwards is party boob.

You're welcome

Reactions: Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


----------



## woodman6415

This was on the internet so it must be real

Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## Lou Currier

Where is the @Brink?


----------



## Don Ratcliff

Lou Currier said:


> Where is the @Brink?


Did he give up on the go away money dream?

Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## Tom Smart

Lou Currier said:


> Where is the @Brink?


That's a tad bit creepy.

Reactions: Agree 1


----------



## Spinartist

Spinartist said:


> Joe, 83 years young, comes to my studio 3 to 4 days a week to turn wood in air-conditioned comfort. Friday he started a new medication ( not the happy ones some of you  take) & one of the side effects is diarrhea. It hit him hard Saturday through Monday (he stopped taking it).
> 
> Now I'm one that believes in sending a note when a good friend is feeling down so I consulted with a few others that know Joe & we decided to give him a helpful gift & a nice get well card.
> 
> View attachment 148910




Joe came in 4 days later with an empty toilet paper roll & asked if he could have a refill. He's to funny!!!

Reactions: Funny 4


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415

And I have to work ..dang it 
Opening Day of zucchini season

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 7


----------



## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> And I have to work ..dang it
> Opening Day of zucchini season
> 
> View attachment 149588


Do you live in Mississippi?

Reactions: Funny 2


----------



## woodman6415

Don Ratcliff said:


> Do you live in Mississippi?


Are you nuts ... hell no

Reactions: Funny 2


----------



## Sprung

woodman6415 said:


> And I have to work ..dang it
> Opening Day of zucchini season
> 
> View attachment 149588



Funny thing is that, while I don't know him personally, I know who that is. He's a fellow pastor in the same church body I am a pastor in. He serves at a church in Michigan.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


----------



## Spinartist

Celebrating "In Depends Dance" day!!

Reactions: Funny 2


----------



## woodman6415

Spinartist said:


> Celebrating "In Depends Dance" day!!


Great thanks a lot .. I can’t un see that

Reactions: Agree 1


----------



## Tony

Spinartist said:


> Celebrating "In Depends Dance" day!!





Lee, when did you go visit @Mike1950 ?

Reactions: Funny 4


----------



## Mike1950

Tony said:


> Lee, when did you go visit @Mike1950 ?

Reactions: Funny 4


----------



## Lou Currier

Haven’t seen Clyde in awhile

Reactions: Agree 1


----------



## Tony

Lou Currier said:


> Haven’t seen Clyde in awhile



That's why I poke the bear every now and then, gotta see Clyde.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


----------



## Mike1950

Tony said:


> That's why I poke the bear every now and then, gotta see Clyde.

Reactions: Funny 4


----------



## Herb G.

Found one for you guys.

Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


----------



## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Lou Currier

@Tony is still trying to hit the play button

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Lou Currier said:


> @Tony is still trying to hit the play button


I think he is in recovery after Nikki caught him trying to get the video to play. 

On the other hand, Doctors say i will be able to walk again soon but I will need to get a new phone after where my old one has been.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodtickgreg

http://mail2.wowway.net/service/home/~/?id=78757&part=2&auth=co&disp=a
I don't know if this link worked or not, but @Brink might like it.


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## woodman6415




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## Don Ratcliff

For my north eastern southern friends in Texas.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Spinartist

Don Ratcliff said:


> I think he is in recovery after Nikki caught him trying to get the video to play.
> 
> On the other hand, Doctors say i will be able to walk again soon but I will need to get a new phone after where my old one has been.




Well, you should know not to post video's of Maya on the beach...


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## Don Ratcliff

Spinartist said:


> Well, you should know not to post video's of Maya on the beach...


She's not a southern belle, she is a New York jew. If I posted here what she says while driving @Tony would get tall enough for the ban button real fast.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Spinartist

That sure looks like Cook Pine from some islands in the Pacific in the background !!

Reactions: Informative 1


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## woodman6415

Don Ratcliff said:


> For my north eastern southern friends in Texas.


That would not do in Texas .. we would find a way to record our on messages ..

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Informative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Tony

Don Ratcliff said:


> She's not a southern belle, she is a New York jew. If I posted here what she says while driving @Tony would get tall enough for the ban button real fast.



I would never ban Maya. You I'd ban in a New York minute but not Maya!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2 | Sincere 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> I would never ban Maya. You I'd ban in a New York minute but not Maya!


Somehow I'm not worried...

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 9


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## Don Ratcliff

I married up...

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike1950

Don Ratcliff said:


> Somehow I'm not worried...
> 
> View attachment 149734



Now That was funny!!!

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 5


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## woodman6415

@Tony ??

View attachment 149752

Reactions: Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## Tony

And yes we do.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## rocky1

Hell he starts his 'this morning" stories off with"when I was little,"

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 7 | Creative 1


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## Don Ratcliff

@Tony 

What do you call a short fortune teller that's hiding from the police?

A small medium at large...

Reactions: Funny 7


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Spinartist

Don Ratcliff said:


> @Tony
> 
> What do you call a short fortune teller that's hiding from the police?
> 
> A small medium at large...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

Pulled pork?

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Lou Currier

It doesn’t get any fresher than that


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415

At @Tony house today

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415

Back on January 9th, several Orleans Parish, La. bikers were out joy riding when they saw 
a girl about to jump off the Huey Long Bridge.
So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" 
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?" 
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. 
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl." 
Did she jump, or was pushed?

Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 12 | Useful 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.
At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar; where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Lou Currier

@Spinartist asked if he could use the bathroom...I said sure——->

Reactions: Funny 3 | Creative 1


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## woodman6415

So I asked my wife, "Why do you keep buying plants when you just kill them?"

She said, "To remind you what I'm capable of."

Reactions: Funny 9 | +Karma 1


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> So I asked my wife, "Why do you keep buying plants when you just kill them?"
> 
> She said, "To remind you what I'm capable of."



I know his wife, that's a true story right there.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## rocky1

Just remember that the next time you stop over for coffee, after saying such things on the internet!

There are no secrets on the Internet!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tony

rocky1 said:


> Just remember that the next time you stop over for coffee, after saying such things on the internet!
> 
> There are no secrets on the Internet!!



I certainly don't mean anything bad, his wife is a great lady. I do however know better than to get her riled up at me!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9 | Sincere 1


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## Lou Currier




----------



## Johnturner



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 12


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## ripjack13

Ooooh thats not nice......hahahahaaa


----------



## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> Ooooh thats not nice......hahahahaaa


The one kid looks like @rocky1

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415

Don Ratcliff said:


> The one kid looks like @rocky1


Uncanny resemblance

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Don Ratcliff

@Brink

Reactions: Funny 5


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## rocky1

No... There are two monkeys facing each other over a portrait of @Don Ratcliff

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 2 | Useful 1


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> No... There are two monkeys facing each other over a portrait of @Don Ratcliff


Look again, it's correct.


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## SENC

Spinartist said:


>



It seems Mr. Rogers never made it to Jayess, Missippi or he would have found a 4th kind, the kind that still doesn't get it even after peeing on the electric fence several times.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## rocky1

SENC said:


> It seems Mr. Rogers never made it to Jayess, Missippi or he would have found a 4th kind, the kind that still doesn't get it even after peeing on the electric fence several times.



Oh those are everywhere, we have 3 - 4 of them working for us presently. Seems every day is another chapter in the book "The Reasons I Drink!"

Case in point... 

-- We dump the boxes upside down on a short stack, piece of plywood on top, to get the frames out of the box. And, they slide the frames across as I load the machine, get 2 - 3 boxes dumped at a time that way, lots of frames available to load. They all want to push them right to the very edge, hanging over the edge half the time, then the first, or sometimes the first 2 - 3 frames fall off in the floor when they flip the next box, if not while they push them over. Had one of them do that today, walked around, picked it up, put it on the other end, slid them across right back out to the edge, and pushed the next frame right off in the floor!! 

Here's your sign!!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike1950

A ninety-year-old man went in for his annual checkup. When the doctor asked how he was feeling, the man said, "Never been better! I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think if that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment. "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. One day he left the house in a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. He was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"

"No," the old man said. "Tell me."

"The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear!"

"That's kind of what I'm driving at," the doctor replie

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## Tony



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


----------



## Spinartist

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh".

I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable! ”

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said,

"What she really said was*: 666136429*.

Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 11


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Don Ratcliff

@Tony walks into a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but saran wrap, the psychiatrist looks at him and says, "I can clearly see your nuts."

Reactions: Funny 8 | Sincere 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6


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## SENC

@Brink - need your help...

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 8


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 4


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 4


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 5


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## FranklinWorkshops

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I just joined the 1st Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## robert flynt

SENC said:


> It seems Mr. Rogers never made it to Jayess, Missippi or he would have found a 4th kind, the kind that still doesn't get it even after peeing on the electric fence several times.


Says the guy who doesn't know how to spell Mississippi! Whooping up on poor Tony.

Reactions: Funny 1 | +Karma 1


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


----------



## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Lou Currier

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 150688



That just make my head hurt

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 8


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## rocky1

That was without a doubt one of the dumbest damn things I have ever heard come out of anyone's mouth. But, it does explain the current state of today's society, when your cell phone or brief case is more important to you, than your child. Of course back before government decided to save us from ourselves, and planted explosive devices in the dashes of our cars, this was not a big problem, your child rode up front, next to you!

Reactions: Agree 5


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## rocky1

Double posted again...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Wildthings

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 150704



Is there a face in this picture to prove that?

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415

105 here yesterday.. can’t wait till it warms up a little..

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> 105 here yesterday.. can’t wait till it warms up a little..
> View attachment 150708



That's not a Texan silly, that's @Don Ratcliff after a lava eruption!

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> That's not a Texan silly, that's @Don Ratcliff after a lava eruption!


Nah. I maintain my alabaster Complexion by staying out of the sun and the lava. Maya posted on fb the lava flow at night, it looks like a rapid glow in the dark river. Insane but has normalized its banks so just flowing to the ocean to make the big island bigger.

Reactions: Like 4 | Informative 1


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Funny 7


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## rocky1

Don Ratcliff said:


> Nah. I maintain my alabaster Complexion by staying out of the sun and the lava. Maya posted on fb the lava flow at night, it looks like a rapid glow in the dark river. Insane but has normalized its banks so just flowing to the ocean to make the big island bigger.




Someone will want to build a house on it next week!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## rocky1

Don Ratcliff said:


> Nah. I maintain my alabaster Complexion by staying out of the sun and the lava. Maya posted on fb the lava flow at night, it looks like a rapid glow in the dark river. Insane but has normalized its banks so just flowing to the ocean to make the big island bigger.




Someone will want to build a house on it next week!


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## Don Ratcliff

rocky1 said:


> Someone will want to build a house on it next week!





rocky1 said:


> Someone will want to build a house on it next week!



Go home @rocky1 you're drunk...

Reactions: Funny 4


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## rocky1

I'm beginning to think it's in my mouse, it clicks on the way down, then clicks again on the way up, causing the double post thing. Was trying to read through a few e-mails, and it opened them in separate window, then when I'd try to close it out, it closed the program because it closed the window on down stroke, and closed Outlook on the upstroke. 

I need to be drunk, but alas haven't touched a drop in a week or so.

Reactions: Like 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 3


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## Tony



Reactions: Agree 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## rocky1

1 1/2" and 3 little bitty marks.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

That's why I always use metric tapes in my shop. More readable, addable and subtractable.

Reactions: Informative 1


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## Mike1950

California swat- Looking for straws.....

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## FranklinWorkshops

I wonder what people did before straws were invented?


----------



## ripjack13

rocky1 said:


> 1 1/2" and 3 little bitty marks.


Inch and half strong.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415

FranklinWorkshops said:


> I wonder what people did before straws were invented?


A lot less sucking

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Lou Currier

@Eric Rorabaugh

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


----------



## Eric Rorabaugh

That is tooooo funny! Thanks Lou I needed that.

Reactions: Like 2


----------



## Johnturner



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Clay3063

Johnturner said:


>


I got banned for doing that. Well... there were others things too but that was the start of it anyway.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## SENC

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Congress came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Congress
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Congress lined up waiting for a free hair cut And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 10 | Great Post 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415

@Tony got a wave for us

Reactions: Funny 13


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## rocky1

woodman6415 said:


> @Tony got a wave for us
> 
> View attachment 151053




Something tells me I know what kind of microwave you're going to get for that one Wendell!

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 10


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## Spinartist

@DKMD
Is that you? Please let us know what your sign says!!

Reactions: Funny 7


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## SENC

Spinartist said:


> @DKMD
> Is that you? Please let us know what the sign says!!


Protesting for another million dollar computer-guided jigsaw, or a more comfy couch in the lounge, or complaining that the OR staff isn't treating him the way royalty deserves to be treated.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


----------



## DKMD

Spinartist said:


> @DKMD
> Is that you? Please let us know what the sign says!!



I can’t even read my own handwriting

Reactions: Funny 5


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## DKMD

SENC said:


> Protesting for another million dollar computer-guided jigsaw, or a more comfy couch in the lounge, or complaining that the OR staff isn't treating him the way royalty deserves to be treated.



I don’t think he wants a new saw. He’s got one of those heart listening doodads hanging around his neck, so we can rule out orthopedics. I’d guess he’s with anesthesia, but I can’t see his canny pack to confirm it.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## rocky1

I don't know, but the look on his face would suggest his proctologist just snuck up on him.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


----------



## Kenbo



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 9


----------



## Clay3063

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 151203


Yep.

Reactions: Agree 2


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## Clay3063

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 151205



Yep. That's funny! And will continue to be funny until you get the bill from the Pshrink! LOL! No wonder @Tony still sucks his thumb. Living so close to you has traumatized him beyond his ability to cope!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415

Clay3063 said:


> Yep. That's funny! And will continue to be funny until you get the bill from the Pshrink! LOL! No wonder @Tony still sucks his thumb. Living so close to you has traumatized him beyond his ability to cope!


He was like that way before I moved here .. I can’t take all the credit

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Tony

Clay3063 said:


> Yep. That's funny! And will continue to be funny until you get the bill from the Pshrink! LOL! No wonder @Tony still sucks his thumb. Living so close to you has traumatized him beyond his ability to cope!



It was unsettling when he served that for dinner the last time we were there.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## kweinert

This may have been here before.

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## Wildthings

Tony said:


> It was unsettling when he served that for dinner the last time we were there.


​Which part did you have. Brings a whole new meaning to: breast or thigh?

Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> It was unsettling when he served that for dinner the last time we were there.


Unsettling but damn tasty .. that noisy kid doesn’t bother me anymore

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415

@Tony after having dinner at my house

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Clay3063

woodman6415 said:


> @Tony after having dinner at my house
> 
> View attachment 151209


Ok. I have to admit I literally laughed out loud. Almost woke the sleeping beauty whom I'm married to up from her nap.

Reactions: Like 2


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## Don Ratcliff

@rocky1 

Where do bees keep their stingers?



In their honey...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 15


----------



## Johnturner



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise". She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut . "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.



I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415

After a month on his herbal slimming plan Dave lost $200.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## rocky1

I went to the adult bookstore one time, to purchase one of those toys women are fond of for the girlfriend. Walked up, set it on the counter to pay for it. Gal at the cash register grabs a handful of batteries out from beneath the counter and said, let me check this out and make sure it works.

I was speechless!!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415

I got a tear in my eye, I finally have my own parking spot: Fat guy who owns a BBQ smoker.

Reactions: Great Post 3 | Funny 13


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## Don Ratcliff

Why was the man so happy at the cookout?


He met the grill of his dreams.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## barry richardson



Reactions: Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415

They have obviously never met my boss .. I can’t even clean right

Reactions: Funny 4 | Informative 1


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> They have obviously never met my boss .. I can’t even clean right
> 
> 
> View attachment 151380



You do look awful cute in that maid outfit she got you though!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Don Ratcliff

woodman6415 said:


> They have obviously never met my boss .. I can’t even clean right
> 
> 
> View attachment 151380


Yeah, that tip is bogus for sure. I had to tell maya that I will do what she ask but if she wants it done her way she can do it.

Tip #47, never tell your wife to do it her way.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3 | +Karma 1


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> They have obviously never met my boss .. I can’t even clean right
> 
> 
> View attachment 151380





Don Ratcliff said:


> Yeah, that tip is bogus for sure. I had to tell maya that I will do what she ask but if she wants it done her way she can do it.
> 
> Tip #47, never tell your wife to do it her way.



I think all our wives are related, we've had those exact conversations in my house...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff

Tony said:


> I think all our wives are related, we've had those exact conversations in my house...


Tony, you have shown pics of your shop, Nikki has a point that you can learn from.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> You do look awful cute in that maid outfit she got you though!


It’s a tad short .. things do get cold

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Kenbo

If you guys cleaned the way I clean my shop, you wouldn't have a problem. 










(wait for it.............I'm sure the sarcastic @Don Ratcliff meme is just around the corner)

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Tony

Kenbo said:


> If you guys cleaned the way I clean my shop, you wouldn't have a problem.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> (wait for it.............I'm sure the sarcastic @Don Ratcliff meme is just around the corner)



It's coming I'm sure, but you'll have to wait about 5 hours for him to roll out of the bungalow.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Kenbo



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6 | Sincere 1


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## Wildthings

I think??

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Tony

Kenbo said:


> View attachment 151422



I would totally buy that shirt!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Kenbo said:


> If you guys cleaned the way I clean my shop, you wouldn't have a problem.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> (wait for it.............I'm sure the sarcastic @Don Ratcliff meme is just around the corner)





Tony said:


> It's coming I'm sure, but you'll have to wait about 5 hours for him to roll out of the bungalow.



When tony visited Ken's over cleaned shop and was stupefied...

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Tony

That's funny right there!!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## ripjack13

Kenbo said:


> If you guys cleaned the way I clean my shop, you wouldn't have a problem.
> (wait for it.............I'm sure the sarcastic @Don Ratcliff meme is just around the corner)




Ok...it's after 9am. He should be having his morning mai tai an coffee....

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Kenbo

Don Ratcliff said:


> When tony visited Ken's over cleaned shop and was stupefied...
> 
> View attachment 151423





Annnnnnnnnnd......there it is.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 4 | Sincere 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 2 | +Karma 1


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## Lou Currier

Or read the directions


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## FranklinWorkshops

Lou Currier said:


> Or read the directions


As an engineer, I demand the right to analyze a new gadget and how it works without the advice of those who think they know better. Instructions are for the lesser educated and who only want to follow others throughout their lives. Be leaders, not followers!

Reactions: Agree 5 | Great Post 3 | Funny 2


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## Tony



Reactions: Agree 1


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## Kenbo



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 2


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## woodman6415

FranklinWorkshops said:


> As an engineer, I demand the right to analyze a new gadget and how it works without the advice of those who think they know better. Instructions are for the lesser educated and who only want to follow others throughout their lives. Be leaders, not followers!


Then read the directions if it still don’t work

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## ripjack13

Kenbo said:


> View attachment 151492

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Kenbo

ripjack13 said:


>





Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah . That's hilarious.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6


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## Mr. Peet

Kenbo said:


> Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah . That's hilarious.



Ah, gee Ken, I think you spelled dangerous wrong...(hilarious)..?...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Schroedc

Kenbo said:


> View attachment 151492



I need that one for work

Reactions: Like 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 10


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 8


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## FranklinWorkshops

Tony said:


> View attachment 151594


This reminds me that at the Arrowmont School last week, a lady choked on some food and a man performed the Heimlich maneuver on her. Exciting and she was okay, thank goodness. First time I've ever seen it used in person.

Reactions: Like 3


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## Wildthings

I performed the Heinylich maneuver on a woman one time...OHH wait..... never mind

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5 | Sincere 1


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## Tony



Reactions: Agree 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 2


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## Kenbo

So I went to a restaurant here on the island on my last night of vacation and I saw these in the bakery section. You KNOW I had to buy some just to try them. I get the feeling they will be woodsy but smell funny. LOL

Reactions: Funny 5


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## FranklinWorkshops

Kenbo said:


> So I went to a restaurant here on the island on my last night of vacation and I saw these in the bakery section. You KNOW I had to buy some just to try them. I get the feeling they will be woodsy but smell funny. LOL
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 151595


Had a LONG shelf life too. 17 days for a bakery product??? So what did they smell and taste like?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Kenbo

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Had a LONG shelf life too. 17 days for a bakery product??? So what did they smell and taste like?



I have no idea. I'm flying to the mainland tomorrow to head home and will be takin them with me. They suggested a serving to me for them. The said to microwave them for about 30 seconds and then serve them with vanilla ice cream. They called them Moose Farts in the Snow. (I'm not kidding)

Reactions: Funny 3


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## FranklinWorkshops

Kenbo said:


> I have no idea. I'm flying to the mainland tomorrow to head home and will be takin them with me. They suggested a serving to me for them. The said to microwave them for about 30 seconds and then serve them with vanilla ice cream. They called them Moose Farts in the Snow. (I'm not kidding)


Are you sure that Air Canada will allow them on the plane? They look very suspicious to me.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Kenbo

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Are you sure that Air Canada will allow them on the plane? They look very suspicious to me.



you mean Scare Canada. Hate that airline and avoid flying with them at all costs. One of the biggest rip off airlines there is. I think (unless I absolutely had to in an emergency) I would probably grow feathers and learn how to fly myself before I would book a flight with that airline.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 5 | Funny 4


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## Don Ratcliff

Kenbo said:


> I'm flying to the mainland tomorrow



Bahahaha, that's so adorable you think you went to the islands and they had moose...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Kenbo

Don Ratcliff said:


> Bahahaha, that's so adorable you think you went to the islands and they had moose...




Moose are actually not indigenous to this area. The island of Newfoundland never had any moose many years ago and they were introduced. I'm not sure by who or when. The population of them has exploded over the years and there are many people per year killed by moose/car collisions. Have moose insurance on your vehicle is pretty much a must because of the number of collisions and driving at night is pretty much something that isn't done because you can't see them on the sides of the road. (no street illuminations)

Reactions: Informative 2


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## TimR



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Lou Currier

*A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart."*


*Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message. Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?*


*1. Who the hell is this?*


*2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?*


*3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?*


*4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?*


*5. I don't understand what you mean.*


*6. What the hell did you do now?*


*8. Don't beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need.*


*9. Am I dreaming?*


*10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.*


*11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. (My personal favorite!)*


*12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?*

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Herb G.

A bear was walking thru the woods one day, looking for a place to chit.
He found a nice log, parked his butt, and started letting it rip.
A rabbit was hopping by, so the bear asked him if he had a problem with chit sticking to his fur.
The rabbit said "No", so the bear picked him up & wiped his arse with him.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Clay3063

Lou Currier said:


> *A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart."*
> 
> 
> *Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message. Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?*
> 
> 
> *1. Who the hell is this?*
> 
> 
> *2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?*
> 
> 
> *3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?*
> 
> 
> *4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?*
> 
> 
> *5. I don't understand what you mean.*
> 
> 
> *6. What the hell did you do now?*
> 
> 
> *8. Don't beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need.*
> 
> 
> *9. Am I dreaming?*
> 
> 
> *10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.*
> 
> 
> *11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. (My personal favorite!)*
> 
> 
> *12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?*



All I can say is WOW. Just wow. Glad I don't have this problem.

Reactions: Agree 4


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## ripjack13

Clay3063 said:


> All I can say is WOW. Just wow. Glad I don't have this problem.



Me too....


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## rocky1

Could be worse... You could be a Rabbit hopping by!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## Clay3063

rocky1 said:


> Could be worse... You could be a Rabbit hopping by!



True. Very True.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mr. Peet

rocky1 said:


> Could be worse... You could be a Rabbit hopping by!



Well, the rabbit said it doesn't stick to it's fur, so the bear just smeared it, into it's own fur if there was chit to smear. I think the rabbit should be damn happy the bear didn't eat em'...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 9


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Agree 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodtickgreg

@Brink

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## Spinartist

Now we really know what you do at the Kubota dealership!!!!

You're a Tractor trunk monkey!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## wombat



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Tony

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 151952



It would be funnier if it wasn't so true.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## rocky1

Sign me up! Finally a marathon I could finish!!

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## Lou Currier

I found @Kenbo ’s shop rules

Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 3


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## Sprung

Lou Currier said:


> I found @Kenbo ’s shop rules
> 
> View attachment 151963



Ken might run the same set of rules, but I doubt that's from Ken's shop. His attention to detail would've made him re-print that, instead of sticking with the one that was printed as the printer was starting to run out of ink or toner. It would also probably be laminated to protect the paper from getting dirty.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## Schroedc

Sprung said:


> Ken might run the same set of rules, but I doubt that's from Ken's shop. His attention to detail would've made him re-print that, instead of sticking with the one that was printed as the printer was starting to run out of ink or toner. It would also probably be laminated to protect the paper from getting dirty.



Also, his columns would line up.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 6


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## Kenbo

Lou Currier said:


> I found @Kenbo ’s shop rules
> 
> View attachment 151963




You forgot about....

All persons entering the shop must first apply blue booties to their footwear to prevent the contamination of the shop floor.

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Clay3063

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 151968


Evidently you lose your ability to spell as well. Channel is the deepest part of the river, it is also a word used to designate which television station you are watching. Chanel is the name of a perfume, as in Chanel #5. This too is something one learns once married. I thank God everyday that my spouse doesn't wear perfume. My dad however, had to invest heavily in the stuff. Or at least thought he did, though I seldom ever remember mom wearing the stuff either. Things that make you go ....Hmmmmmmm.


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## Mike1950

Dallas TX(AP) - A 7 year old boy was at the center of a court room drama yesterday when he challenged the court’s ruling of who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and was initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beats him more than his parents, and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he should live with his grandparents, the boy cried and then stated they beat him also.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life for them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 4


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## Lou Currier

Right? @Mike1950

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike1950

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 152074
> 
> Right? @Mike1950



GRRRRR

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Wildthings

Like baby powder on the seats to keep from sticking?

Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 3 | Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## rocky1

Wildthings said:


> Like baby powder on the seats to keep from sticking?




     *Am I the only one wondering why Barry would know such things?*

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Wildthings

I live in the South where everything sticks because of the heat. BP is your friend

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 12


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## Lou Currier

Here’s a test that I heard @Mike1950 passed with flying colors

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415

Lou Currier said:


> Here’s a test that I heard @Mike1950 passed with flying colors
> 
> View attachment 152196


I must be 2 days older than dirt ..
Back in the day all service stations had the glass soft drink machines on the outside.. the drink bottles layed on their sides .. put quarter in open door and pull selection out ... all the service stations closed around 7pm .. later at night kids out cruising could pull up close to machine ,. Take bottle opener .. open door and pop the top ..hold glass under spout and get about 3/4 quarters of drink to drain out of bottle laying on it’s side... I’ve personally watched that take place many times ... hoodlum guys I ran around with ..

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## Mike1950

Lou Currier said:


> Here’s a test that I heard @Mike1950 passed with flying colors
> 
> View attachment 152196




grrrrr 17

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike1950

woodman6415 said:


> I must be 2 days older than dirt ..
> Back in the day all service stations had the glass soft drink machines on the outside.. the drink bottles layed on their sides .. put quarter in open door and pull selection out ... all the service stations closed around 7pm .. later at night kids out cruising could pull up close to machine ,. Take bottle opener .. open door and pop the top ..hold glass under spout and get about 3/4 quarters of drink to drain out of bottle laying on it’s side... I’ve personally watched that take place many times ... hoodlum guys I ran around with ..



Pop out of the water cooler ones always seem to taste better- bottles were vertical -put your money in and take bottle thru maze to get out. I used to go to a station when I was north of town to get one till the late 70's

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 2


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## Mike Mills

Lou Currier said:


> Here’s a test that I heard @Mike1950 passed with flying colors
> 
> View attachment 152196



Heck, I remember 78 rpm records.

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## Bigdrowdy1

no comment Sucks when you get a 100 % on a test and it dont count for much. I even remember the ice house. We had to haul to grandmas house for the true ice box. Guess I just come from the poorer side of town cause I aint got near the years on me as the .

Reactions: Like 3


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## Wildthings

woodman6415 said:


> I must be 2 days older than dirt ..
> Back in the day all service stations had the glass soft drink machines on the outside.. the drink bottles layed on their sides .. put quarter in open door and pull selection out ... all the service stations closed around 7pm .. later at night kids out cruising could pull up close to machine ,. Take bottle opener .. open door and pop the top ..hold glass under spout and get about 3/4 quarters of drink to drain out of bottle laying on it’s side... I’ve personally watched that take place many times ... hoodlum guys I ran around with ..


Wow I must be one of them hoodlums!! LOL the party lines at my grandma's in New Orleans always fascinated me how I could listen in on complete strangers!!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## kweinert

I don't recall an ice house but I do remember helping my grandpa stack cord wood in the basement so they could keep the house warm in the winter. Big old furnace down there, no heat to the 2nd story except what could make it up the stairwell.

For many years I wondered why their basement was so short - even as a teenager I had to duck to walk around down there. Eventually I found out that the basement was excavated by my grandpa, dad, and uncle while the house sat above it. I got my height from my mom's side of the family. I used to get on my knees to give grandma a kiss goodbye and I can still do that with my Aunt Barb and she's not a whole lot shorter than my uncle so I understand why the basement was short. If I had to dig it by hand it sure wouldn't be any deeper than it needed to be.

There was one room off the side of the house that was neither insulated nor heated. I eventually found out that that had been the summer kitchen to keep the heat out of the house when they had to fire up the wood burning stove. It's funny the things you remember when you get started down this sort of path. Like the old hand cranked machine to take the kernels off the dried corn cobs for feeding the animals.

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

woodman6415 said:


> I must be 2 days older than dirt ..
> Back in the day all service stations had the glass soft drink machines on the outside.. the drink bottles layed on their sides .. put quarter in open door and pull selection out ... all the service stations closed around 7pm .. later at night kids out cruising could pull up close to machine ,. Take bottle opener .. open door and pop the top ..hold glass under spout and get about 3/4 quarters of drink to drain out of bottle laying on it’s side... I’ve personally watched that take place many times ... hoodlum guys I ran around with ..


Remember those machines quite well. Do you remember that when Cokes first came out in a can, you had to use a church key to puncture the top? No pop-tops until a few years later.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Informative 2


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## FranklinWorkshops

Bigdrowdy1 said:


> no comment Sucks when you get a 100 % on a test and it dont count for much. I even remember the ice house. We had to haul to grandmas house for the true ice box. Guess I just come from the poorer side of town cause I aint got near the years on me as the .


I remember as a child being at my grandmother's house in rural Tennessee and seeing the iceman delivering two 100 lb blocks of ice to the iceboxes she had. He carried them in, one block in each hand, using ice tongs which are now hard to find. I also remember that when she could finally afford an electric refrigerator, she had my grandpa put it on the front porch so everyone could see that she had one. They were poor but proud and happy. We all were.

Reactions: Like 7 | Sincere 1


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## woodman6415

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Remember those machines quite well. Do you remember that when Cokes first came out in a can, you had to use a church key to puncture the top? No pop-tops until a few years later.


Yes I do .. it took a long time before we bought them .. to us the flavor was different ..


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## woodman6415

kweinert said:


> I don't recall an ice house but I do remember helping my grandpa stack cord wood in the basement so they could keep the house warm in the winter. Big old furnace down there, no heat to the 2nd story except what could make it up the stairwell.
> 
> For many years I wondered why their basement was so short - even as a teenager I had to duck to walk around down there. Eventually I found out that the basement was excavated by my grandpa, dad, and uncle while the house sat above it. I got my height from my mom's side of the family. I used to get on my knees to give grandma a kiss goodbye and I can still do that with my Aunt Barb and she's not a whole lot shorter than my uncle so I understand why the basement was short. If I had to dig it by hand it sure wouldn't be any deeper than it needed to be.
> 
> There was one room off the side of the house that was neither insulated nor heated. I eventually found out that that had been the summer kitchen to keep the heat out of the house when they had to fire up the wood burning stove. It's funny the things you remember when you get started down this sort of path. Like the old hand cranked machine to take the kernels off the dried corn cobs for feeding the animals.



Or those butter churns ... I would churn butter till I was sure my arms would drop off ... Dad would say .. heck boy you haven’t even started ..

Reactions: Funny 3


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## FranklinWorkshops

woodman6415 said:


> Yes I do .. it took a long time before we bought them .. to us the flavor was different ..


Most people think the very best tasting Coke was from the small 6.5 oz glass bottles served ice cold. I agree with them.

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## FranklinWorkshops

woodman6415 said:


> Or those butter churns ... I would churn butter till I was sure my arms would drop off ... Dad would say .. heck boy you haven’t even started ..


We also churned butter but Mom had an electric churn. Best butter ever. We had six milk cows and the raw cream from the milk was unlike any you can buy today. 
From the time I was five or six, I helped milk the cows early in the mornings. The barn cats would always hang around me since I'd occasionally squeeze milk in their direction and got pretty good at hitting their faces. Fun times and great memories.

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## Bigdrowdy1

woodman6415 said:


> Or those butter churns ... I would churn butter till I was sure my arms would drop off ... Dad would say .. heck boy you haven’t even started ..[/QUOTE
> 
> I still have my grandmas churn and old wooden ice cream maker. I remember grandpa skimming the cream off the milk for butter. He gather before the sun ever came up.



not sure what happened there

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## woodman6415

Bigdrowdy1 said:


> not sure what happened there


Probably the short guy screwing around with the only buttons he can reach ..

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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## barefoot

Old? I remember going home (Ironton, Ohio) to visit relatives, picking up the phone and asking the operator, "Gladys, will you connect me to Aunt T?" She never had to ask for clarification and if I was lucky, the party line wouldn't be busy. Root beer was served at drive-ins from barrels and the waitresses wore roller skates. I was particularly crazy about wax lips--wintergreen flavor! In Atlanta there was the iconic Varsity Drive-In--now a restaurant that seats 800 people! 

Back then we would go from Georgia to Ohio (summer and Christmas) to visit relatives. It was a slow drive, without freeways, that boged us down in the incredible traffic through the Shenandoah Valley. We always looked forward to getting to Corbin, KY, where we would stop at a fried chicken restaurant that was very good. The owner liked kids and would always stop and talk with us at the table. The new Parkway forced him to close the restaurant as traffic now bypassed his place. They called him Col. Sanders and it would be many years before I saw his face again on TV advertising Kentucky Fried Chicken. The food was better at his restaurant though.

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## barefoot

kweinert said:


> It's funny the things you remember when you get started down this sort of path. Like the old hand cranked machine to take the kernels off the dried corn cobs for feeding the animals.



How about making hand-cranked ice cream!

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## Sprung

Some of y'all's reminiscing sounds just like the old folks I get to visit with each week when I go to the local nursing home each Thursday morning to lead a worship service. Y'all are old. And a few of you may even be  old. Just sayin'.

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## Mr. Peet

Piss on you all for making me feel right at home. Not old enough for the Church key Coke cans. We had the peel tabs. The ice box, Grandpa was the iceman. When electric boxes came to town, he became the icebox collection and removal man. He burned hundreds of them and scrapped the metal. Real shame looking back, but at the time sensible. The original ice houses are gone. A few foundations still jet out from the dark cold earth in the early fall when the leaves have beckoned to the frothing ground of another time to repeat the song of life.

Just last month we took the daughter to the A&W. Another shame, girl skated over with our root beer drinks and the mugs are now plastic. The barrels are aluminum kegs, the grill is still real and you can still bring your own meat if you want. Sure those days are numbered. Our party line ended in 1996 or 97. The last ten years was just 2 houses and the lady next door moved in with her son down the road and our special ring was no more. They are talking of making rotary phones go soon. Lady in church still talks of the days when she was an operator, connecting folks and quietly listening in. Her sister was a soda jerk at the drug-store. Some changes just suck.

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## Mr. Peet

barefoot said:


> How about making hand-cranked ice cream!



Haven't done it this summer. It only hailed twice and didn't have time to gather up the stones to crank.

Past my bedtime, again, hope to wake up tomorrow and repeat myself as if it was the first time...

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## rocky1

We gotta get back to our regularly scheduled program here before all these old guys start passing the Geritol bottle!

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## FranklinWorkshops

barefoot said:


> Old? I remember going home (Ironton, Ohio) to visit relatives, picking up the phone and asking the operator, "Gladys, will you connect me to Aunt T?" She never had to ask for clarification and if I was lucky, the party line wouldn't be busy. Root beer was served at drive-ins from barrels and the waitresses wore roller skates. I was particularly crazy about wax lips--wintergreen flavor! In Atlanta there was the iconic Varsity Drive-In--now a restaurant that seats 800 people!
> 
> Back then we would go from Georgia to Ohio (summer and Christmas) to visit relatives. It was a slow drive, without freeways, that boged us down in the incredible traffic through the Shenandoah Valley. We always looked forward to getting to Corbin, KY, where we would stop at a fried chicken restaurant that was very good. The owner liked kids and would always stop and talk with us at the table. The new Parkway forced him to close the restaurant as traffic now bypassed his place. They called him Col. Sanders and it would be many years before I saw his face again on TV advertising Kentucky Fried Chicken. The food was better at his restaurant though.



Been to the Varsity many times. Used to live in Kennesaw, GA, north of the city. That is the largest drive in anywhere and it opened in the 1920s. Nipsey Russell worked there as a teenager. Was last there only a couple of years ago. Love those chili dogs. https://thevarsity.com

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## rocky1



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## FranklinWorkshops

Sprung said:


> Some of y'all's reminiscing sounds just like the old folks I get to visit with each week when I go to the local nursing home each Thursday morning to lead a worship service. Y'all are old. And a few of you may even be  old. Just sayin'.


Better be careful around us old people. My grandmother conceal carried in her purse her entire life until she died at 88. Lots of those old people do and a life sentence to them is only a short vacation.

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## rocky1



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## Herb G.

When I was a kid of 8 or 10 or so, we used to go visit my grand parents in rural Georgia.
I'm talking the last 125 miles were dirt roads to their house rural Georgia.
Sunday mornings, every radio station in the South had religious programs on them until at least Noon.

If you listened to the Devil's music, you were headed straight to Hell. That kind of religious programming.
They still had rotary phones on a party line. You had a certain ring to your phone so you knew the call was for you. Down the road from Grandpa's house was a feed store that had an old Coke machine out front.
It looked like a chest freezer, and you slid the Cokes around an obstacle course steel plate to get it out.

My cousins had the knack for getting a free Coke any time they wanted. They knew where you could slide one out & not pay a nickle for it. You had to tilt the bottle at just the right place & it would pop right out.
Of course, we'd return the bottle for $.02 deposit. So, we got paid to steal Cokes. I'm sure I won't go to Hell for it, but it sure was nice to have a ice cold Coca Cola when I was a kid.

It still is, but I pay for them these days.

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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd really like to ride in that helicopter.' 

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars' 

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' 

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike1950

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?

“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 11


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## Mike1950

Mr. Peet said:


> Piss on you all for making me feel right at home. Not old enough for the Church key Coke cans. We had the peel tabs. The ice box, Grandpa was the iceman. When electric boxes came to town, he became the icebox collection and removal man. He burned hundreds of them and scrapped the metal. Real shame looking back, but at the time sensible. The original ice houses are gone. A few foundations still jet out from the dark cold earth in the early fall when the leaves have beckoned to the frothing ground of another time to repeat the song of life.
> 
> Just last month we took the daughter to the A&W. Another shame, girl skated over with our root beer drinks and the mugs are now plastic. The barrels are aluminum kegs, the grill is still real and you can still bring your own meat if you want. Sure those days are numbered. Our party line ended in 1996 or 97. The last ten years was just 2 houses and the lady next door moved in with her son down the road and our special ring was no more. They are talking of making rotary phones go soon. Lady in church still talks of the days when she was an operator, connecting folks and quietly listening in. Her sister was a soda jerk at the drug-store. Some changes just suck.



Plenty old enough for the church key cans. Great northern Ice house building still stands in Hillyard. When we were kids we used to go there to catch pigeons. about 5 stories- one big room. Old guy- worked for railroad would chase us out but then tell us stories about unloading Ice blocks and packing cracks with sawdust. walls were about 20" of cork for insulation. as an adult I used to go in there it was used as a warehouse for drywall. aways was weird to walk in and have open space 5 stories up. really not much echo- cork deadened it. It is vacant now- probably soon to disappear.

Ps. Heat of the summer and it was very cool in there

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## woodman6415



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## barefoot

Matt,
It's really special to be old. We have a deep, deep well of memories and information that isn't available to everybody. We can string it together and see the beginnings of things that other people are unaware hasn't always been a certain way. I suspect, already, that a huge chunk of the populace has no clue about the days of cell phones being on expensive contracts that ran for years and usually had outrageous penalties to buy out that contract. Many people might be amazed that we used to just walk through an airport, check our luggage, and board the plane with NO security check whatsoever. Our friends could meet us at the door of the plane. That isn't "reminiscence" on my part only because it's not old enough, but some day it will be. 

When I was young, I once asked a very-old woman to tell me the good points of being old. I figured that there HAD to be some.
She laughed and said, "When you're real old you can get away with saying anything you please and people will either figure you're senile and ignore it, or take it for wisdom just because you're old. c:

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## barefoot

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Better be careful around us old people. My grandmother conceal carried in her purse her entire life until she died at 88. Lots of those old people do and a life sentence to them is only a short vacation.



Larry, you just highlighted something that I've been saying for a while--that's it's dangerous to piss off the old folks because they have less to lose

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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Johnturner

I am not the oldest coger on this site but I remember a lot of that stuff. Opening cans with a church key. Rotary phones, party lines. I'm not old enough for ice boxes. I remember coke in 6 3/4 oz bottles. That bottle wouldn't break for anything. I was a city boy growing up outside of Boston my Mom was from upstate NY. Once when we went to my grandmothers I wanted some milk on my cereal. Being a city boy I didn't know you were supposed to shake the glass bottle Ooh they were made cause everybody else had skim milk. My uncle was the milkman. There was a bakery that would deliver with a horse drawn cart.

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## Johnturner



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## Lou Currier



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## rocky1



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## SENC



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## Herb G.

A sailor went to a local mall & saw a kid with a red, purple, yellow & orange Mohawk haircut.
He followed the kid around for awhile, checking him out.
The kid finally realized the sailor was following him around & asked him why he was watching him.
The sailor said he got drunk in Singapore once & had sex with a parrot.
He was wondering if the kid was his son.

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## Bigdrowdy1

Never Question a drunk

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs

A quart of orange juice

A head of lettuce

A 2 lb. can of coffee

A 1 lb. package of bacon



As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."



I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mrs. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.



Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?"



The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

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## woodman6415

Bigdrowdy1 said:


> Never Question a drunk
> 
> I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
> 
> A half-gallon of 2% milk
> 
> A carton of eggs
> 
> A quart of orange juice
> 
> A head of lettuce
> 
> A 2 lb. can of coffee
> 
> A 1 lb. package of bacon
> 
> 
> 
> As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
> 
> While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
> 
> 
> 
> I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mrs. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
> 
> 
> 
> Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
> 
> 
> 
> The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."



Now that’s funny ..

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## woodtickgreg

This was my front lawn today. I feed a bunch of feral cats, they do an amazing job of catching rats and mice, almost one a day. The moms cats feed the baby's mice and rats and they eat the whole thing! And an occasional bird. 

This is my free bird, some assembly required, lol.

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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## rocky1

@Kenbo

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## Kenbo

rocky1 said:


> @Kenbo
> 
> View attachment 152610




ha ha ha ha ha ha. We actually saw signs like this (without the "invincible moose" comment) while we were on vacation. I think my wife called them "aggressive moose". ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## rocky1

Remember your moose comments on the vacation trip, you were the first one that came to mind when I saw it.

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## Lou Currier

For all you  folks

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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Mike Mills



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## Mike Mills



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## Mike Mills



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## woodman6415



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## Herb G.

Little Johnny had to walk to school everyday.
But, he had to cross train tracks to get there.
One day, he was walking to school & a train was coming down the tracks.
Little Johnny was late for school.

The teacher asked him why he was late.
Little Johnny said he was walking to school & a train came down the tracks.
The teacher asked him if the train made him late.
He said no.
Teacher says why are you late then.
Little Johnny said the train came down the tracks & hit a horse in the ass & killed him.
Teacher says Don't say ass, say rectum.
Little Johnny says Rectum chit, killed him.

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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier

2018 is more comfortable

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## rocky1

Especially down here in the south, where those old ones were like a solar oven about 9 months out of the year.

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## Mike Mills

rocky1 said:


> Especially down here in the south, where those old ones were like a solar oven about 9 months out of the year.



Didn't stop those sworn to protect and serve in Carrabelle, Fl.

I remember it being on the news back in the 60's.
http://carrabelle.org/things-to-do/worlds-smallest-police-station/

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## rocky1

Now that's funny right there!! Gotta forward it to the old man, he used to have bees down there in that area.


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## SENC



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## rocky1

*Domestic Problem...*

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note saying, " I've had enough and left you, don't bother coming after me." 

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walking towards the dresser to pick up the note.

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the 'phone and calling someone; "She's finally gone ... yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to pick you up, put on the sexy French outfit, I love you." 

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. 

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he’d written : "I can see your feet. Stop being retarded, we're outta bread, put the kettle on, back in 5 min.”

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## Herb G.

A burglar broke into a house & headed straight for the bedroom. He grabbed a pillow case & started grabbing jewelry, cell phones, anything he could steal. He was headed for the door when he heard a little voice say "Jesus is watching you."
He turned around & saw a parrot in a cage & asked if he spoke to him.
The parrot says "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar asks the parrot his name. The parrot says "My name is Moses."
The burglar asks him "What kind of person names a parrot Moses?"
The parrot says "The same kind of people who named that Rottweiler behind you Jesus."

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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier



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## woodman6415



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## Mike1950



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## Tony

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 152872



Still beats cooking your own dinner.

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## Tony



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## Mike Mills



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## Tony

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 152906

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## Mike1950



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## Lou Currier



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## kweinert



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## JR Parks

Bull snakes make a great pet as well. may not be in the same library on that one tho -

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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Tony



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## Lou Currier

Just so some of you are aware...you are still using primitive tools.

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## Mike1950

Sold the exercise bike and Bought the wife a new vaccum, man was she pissed....

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## kweinert

A little old lady was dragging two large trash bags down the street. One of them was ripped and every now and then a $20 bill would slip out of one of the tears.

A policeman noticed this and brought it to her attention.

"Darn it", she said, "Now I'll have to go back and find them."

"Hold on a second please, ma'ma. Where'd you get all those $20s? You didn't rob a bank did you?" he said with a smile.

"No sir" she replied. "You see I live next to the stadium parking lot and every weekend the guys would pee through a knothole in the fence. It was killing my flowers and really upsetting me. Then I had an idea and thought about how to take advantage of the situation. Now every weekend I sit behind the fence being very quiet with my garden shears and when one of them pokes through I grab it and tell them '$20 or it comes off!'"

The officer grinned and said "I guess that's fair. But what's in the other bag?"

"Well," the little old lady replied "Not everyone pays."

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## Mike1950

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Mike1950

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

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## Mike1950



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## Sprung



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## Lou Currier

I found @Mike1950 guarding his secret wood stash!

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## Mike1950

Lou Currier said:


> I found @Mike1950 guarding his secret wood stash!
> 
> View attachment 153484


Grrr for waking me up

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## Tony

Lou Currier said:


> I found @Mike1950* Great-Great Great Grandson* guarding his secret wood stash!
> 
> View attachment 153484



Lou, you mistyped, forgot a few words, I fixed it for you.

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## SENC

Tony said:


> Lou, you mistyped, forgot a few words, I fixed it for you.


Always there to help out, I like that about you, Tony!

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## Mike1950

Tony said:


> Lou, you mistyped, forgot a few words, I fixed it for you.





SENC said:


> Always there to help out, I like that about you, Tony!




 and just ta make sure yall understand what the  thinks of yall pikin on him

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## Mike1950

I sent this to my son the other day and He sent back " that is a great picture of you and your Dad" Kathie and I laughed for 10 minutes- Damn kids- They know me all too well.

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## Herb G.

I got caught peeing in the pool the other day. 

The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I almost fell in.

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## Lou Currier

Mike1950 said:


> I sent this to my son the other day and He sent back " that is a great picture of you and your Dad" Kathie and I laughed for 10 minutes- Damn kids- They know me all too well.

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## Herb G.

I can remember my grandfather’s last words:

“Quit shakin’ the ladder, ya’ little bastard!”

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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier

This one I’d for @rocky1

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Tom Smart

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 153660


I’d swear that little dude’s eyes moved.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Lou Currier

I went to CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.
The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?
He took the spoon, put a large bit of the liquid on it & tasted it.
Then he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?" The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HECK NO!!!" I said, "Oh, thank Goodness! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"
I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## SENC



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415

@Tony in his work uniform when it gets below 80 degrees

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Tony

It would be much funnier if it wasn't true.

Reactions: Agree 7 | Funny 5


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## Lou Currier

CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON!

Reactions: Funny 11


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## JR Parks

DARN SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME!

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Tony

I guess I'm not as good, I got a flip phone....

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Eric Rorabaugh

@Tony, you were only able reach high enough to rub her knees. That's why you got a flip phone!

Reactions: Funny 5


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## SENC

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> @Tony, you were only able reach high enough to rub her knees. That's why you got a flip phone!


She is a bit short, huh?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## SENC



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## SENC



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## Lou Currier



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## wombat



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## Mr. Peet

wombat said:


> View attachment 153933



Our ice gets a hell of a lot thicker, That bar would never do blocking...


----------



## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier

In the spirit of Halloween...

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## Lou Currier



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## Sprung

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 153986



Well, @Tony - which one are you?

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Lou Currier

@Sprung, I think he is Grumpy

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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## Mr. Peet

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 154027



You hear that music too...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## kweinert

My favorite Limeric:

(12 + 144 + 20 + 3*sqrt(4)) / 7 + (5 * 11) = 9x9 + 0


A dozen, a gross, and a score
plus 3 times the square root of 4
divided by 7
plus 5 times 11
equals 9 squared and not a bit more

(It looks better in a math font where you have the symbols - but I still love this one even in ascii)

Reactions: Like 1


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## Lou Currier

Too early in the morning to see these problems

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mr. Peet

Lou Currier said:


> Too early in the morning to see these problems



Its been 12 hours, is it still too early? If so, learn Mandarin, 69, "tu can chew"....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1

Only the mathematically inclined will ever make that work! 

But, yeah it does!


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 3


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## rocky1



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## rocky1

My daughter's birthday today, last time I told her she was getting old, she replied that simply meant I was getting REALLY OLD!

Since no one likes a smart ass, this time I proved beyond all shadow of a doubt that she was aging at a much more rapid rate than I!

You gotta love math!!

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 3


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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## Lou Currier

@rocky1 i could only imagine the conversations you would have with them!


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## rocky1

Oh... I have done similar goodies before believe me. Lead them on for weeks at a time. 

Saved ALL of the spam e-mails I received for a while, created folder, had a couple hundred spam e-mails in it, believe it's still backed up on my external drive. I'd get one that was persistently annoying, I'd load his ass up with an assortment of Spam e-mails. Send him about a hundred or more spam e-mails over the course of 3-4 days. I wouldn't hear anymore from that one! 

Simplest solution I've found is to reply and tell them to forward all funds to my PayPal account, that they have the address. They usually go away and leave you alone at that.


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 6


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## David Van Asperen

Been there done that

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## Tony

David Van Asperen said:


> View attachment 154174 Been there done that



I've probably got 10 of them scattered around the Shop, plus about 6 steel rules from 4" to 6'. Half the time I still can't find one.......

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## rocky1

Find a box to stand on, and look on the counter!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Mr. Peet

Tony said:


> I've probably got 10 of them scattered around the Shop, plus about 6 steel rules from 4" to 6'. Half the time I still can't find one.......



Not sure why you have all that milk in the shop. I assume the 10 cartons are empty and rinsed out to lesson smell. You can store stuff in them. As for the 4' and 6' foot steal rules, sorry to say they are far too big to put on the side of a standard milk carton.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier

My wife and I standing at a Christmas decorations display in Sam's...
Wife: Hey, want a nutcracker for our front door?
Me: umm... No thanks. I already have a ball buster at the front door when I come home...

... And that's when the fight started

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mr. Peet

Lou Currier said:


> My wife and I standing at a Christmas decorations display in Sam's...
> Wife: Hey, want a nutcracker for our front door?
> Me: umm... No thanks. I already have a ball buster at the front door when I come home...
> 
> ... And that's when the fight started



The truth hurts sometimes...mentally and physically...

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 12 | Sincere 1


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## Karl_TN

I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy". Then I just sit at a green light until I feel better about myself.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## DKMD



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 9


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## woodman6415

Today in Texas

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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## Lou Currier



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## Wildthings

OOPS!!


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415

Last year we were in drought ... water restrictions... now this ..

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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier



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## Schroedc

Herb G. said:


> I can remember my grandfather’s last words:
> 
> “Quit shakin’ the ladder, ya’ little bastard!”



When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.


Not screaming like the other people in the car.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415

BREAKING NEWS! Carnival is now cruising from the Port of Arlington!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3 | Informative 1


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## SENC

Not sure if this is @Brink or @Mike1950 before he learned to use his middle finger...

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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 12


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## barry richardson



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7


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## Mike Mills



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## Mike Mills



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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier

*My Wife*: I have a full bag of used clothing I’d like to donate. 

*Me*: Why not just throw it in the trash? It’s much easier. 

*My Wife*: But there are poor starving people who could use all these clothes. 

*Me*: Honey, anyone who can fit into your clothes is certainly not starving!

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



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## Mike Mills



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## Mike Mills



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## SENC

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 154582

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## Tony



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## Mike1950

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits". Albert Einstein

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## kweinert

Along the same lines:

"It's hard to make things foolproof because fools are so ingenious." - Sgt Day, when I was first learning to program while I was on active duty and he could inevitably press some stupid combination of buttons or enter something that I hadn't thought because "hey, no one would do that" 

One of the lessons that I learned early and still managed to not anticipate how people could misuse my software in ways I hadn't thought of.

Reactions: Like 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 7 | +Karma 1


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## Mike1950



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## Mr. Peet

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 154790



That is one of the first jokes Paul told me years ago, so I enjoy it even more now...

Reactions: Like 2


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## Mike Mills



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## Mike Mills



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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8 | Informative 1


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## Lou Currier



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## Herb G.

My wife went out shopping with a gift card she got for her birthday last week.
She was trying on new clothes & asked me if those jeans made her azz look big.
I said "No, your big azz makes your azz look big."

The Dr. says I'll walk again in 3-4 months, but I'll always have a limp.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 9 | Funny 4


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## Sprung



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 4 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## rocky1

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 154880



On the bucket issue, little known trick that might come in handy...

Doesn't always work, but often it will. Grab the long skinny air nozzle, slide down the side between the stuck buckets, hit the air. If the buckets are newer, reasonably clean, and not scratched all up, about 90% of the time, they'll pop right apart. Success rate drops if they're older and more brittle, (_the side doesn't close up around the tube on the air nozzle as well_), dirty, or badly scratched (_sides don't seal tight enough and allow too much air to escape_). Higher pressure improves success rate as well. Have seen it work on some pretty ugly buckets with enough pressure. 

This one has paid for more than a 6 pack or two when kids have spent several minutes dragging each other around the shop trying to get stuck buckets apart. Bet them I can pull them apart by myself, with no effort at all. Young people have a terrible habit of underestimating age and experience!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## rocky1

It'll be interesting to see how many find the humor in that last one Lou!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## ripjack13

Easy wood tools carbide cutters on sale on amazon...hurry up before they all get sold!!!

Reactions: Funny 3 | Sincere 1


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> Easy wood tools carbide cutters on sale on amazon...hurry up before they all get sold!!!
> 
> 
> View attachment 155194



Wow, I've spent a LOT more on those than $14.99!!!!!!!!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## SENC



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## ripjack13

Tony said:


> Wow, I've spent a LOT more on those than $14.99!!!!!!!!



Figures you would see the price and not the picture....goofball...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> Figures you would see the price and not the picture....goofball...



I've never spent a penny on Easy Wood cutterhead, so you figure it out.....


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## rocky1

Tony said:


> Wow, I've spent a LOT more on those than $14.99!!!!!!!!




You hang out in them kinda bars too huh?!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Wildthings

I think somebody is lying to us. I typed in the web address for those easy tools and all I got was the dang tools

Reactions: Funny 3 | Sincere 2


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## Mike Hill

Beer, Fishing, Golf and Women!

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. 

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “ if I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner ? “ “Naw, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” the man asked. “Naw, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said. “I need to spend all my time just trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked. “Are you NUTS” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played any golf in 20 years!”

“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food ?” the man asked. “What...and risk getting a disease for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.

“Well then” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.” The homeless man was astounded. “ Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The man replied, “That’s okay... It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and women.”

Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13

Wildthings said:


> I think somebody is lying to us. I typed in the web address for those easy tools and all I got was the dang tools
> 
> View attachment 155199



I sent em an email this morning with a link to the page. Looks like they fixed it asap...lol

*****************************
Hi Easywood peeps.

I was looking through amazon last night for some lathe related things for my christmas list and happened to see this ad for one of your cutterheads. While I am sure it is a very nice looking um, "Model" , I am pretty sure it's not the model you want "pictured"...
Here's the page link...

amazon link

Cheers...
Marc
--*Sent from my woodpile....*
*****************************

Marc,
Thank you, I will certainly pass the information along.
I am not even sure how this happens. We do not sale directly through Amazon/EBay, but several of our Retailers do.
At any rate, thank you for taking the time to point this out to us!
*Kristi Johns

*****************************

hahahahaaaaa*

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Karl_TN

ripjack13 said:


> Easy wood tools carbide cutters on sale on amazon...hurry up before they all get sold!!!


Hmmm.. Maybe Amazon just knows what it takes to get you to buy something based on your previous searches.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## David Van Asperen

For sure

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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4 | Informative 1


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## rocky1

I'd don't know, but you'll be in deep doody for casting her into such a serious state of confusion!

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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1 | Informative 1


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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6 | Sincere 1


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## David Van Asperen

This is a law suit in the making

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Herb G.

I got in a car crash the other day. Someone stopped short at a traffic light & I hit them in the rear end.
Imagine my surprize when a midget got out of the car & came walking up to me.
He said "I am NOT happy."
I said "Which one are you then?"

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Tony

Herb G. said:


> I got in a car crash the other day. Someone stopped short at a traffic light & I hit them in the rear end.
> Imagine my surprize when a midget got out of the car & came walking up to me.
> He said "I am NOT happy."
> I said "Which one are you then?"

Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1

Tony said:


>



Grumpy??

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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## SENC

This would drop the average age of our membership by at least half...

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## Tony




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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 5 | Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6 | Creative 1


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## Lou Currier



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## Herb G.

Last Sunday while I was sitting in church, a bolt of lightning hit the church & set it on fire.
Everybody ran out but I just sat there. When the smoke cleared, Satan himself was standing behind the alter.
He leaned forward & asked me if I knew who he was.
I just nodded & said Yep.
He asked me if I knew what he did to people & I nodded my head & said Yep.
Satan asked me if I was scared of him.
I said "I've been married to your sister for 20 years. You think I'm scared of you?"

Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Mike1950



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## Mike1950

SENC said:


> This would drop the average age of our membership by at least half...
> 
> View attachment 155665



grrrrrr

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier



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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 7 | Informative 1


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## Mike1950

3 Marines Walking In The Sand.
An E-1. An E-4. And an E-7
The Private kicks the sand at a shiny object and there's a cloud of smoke.
From the smoke comes A Genie and the words..."You Have Freed Me...Each Of You Will Have One Wish." 
In an instant, the Private says.."I want out of The Crotch..I want 1 Million Dollars and a Beautiful Babe."
Poof....A cloud of smoke....The Private is gone.....
The Genie looks at the Corporal and asks..."Have You Decided?"
The Corporal says, "Yes. But I'm wiser than the Private...I want TEN Million Dollars. My own private island and beautiful women all over."
Poof....Smoke...The Corporal is gone.
Smiling...The Genie looks at the Gunny for his reply.
The Gunny looks at the Genie. Lights a cigar and takes a big puff and says...."Have Them Back By Reveille."

Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Informative 1


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## woodman6415

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Boeing pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "

The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.

Dedicated to all my friends who like me likes the S.O.S. approach!

Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 2 | Great Post 3


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Herb G.

My wife & I did some last minute Thanksgiving shopping the other day.
A 650 lb. fat, nasty heifer got in line behind us.
She saw me write a check & I asked her if she had a pen.
She said "Yep, I sure do."

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer finds out you're missing then."

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 155890



@Tony you need this?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Tony

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> @Tony you need this?



Old news Eric, the Stoopid Islander sent me that on FB about 4 months ago!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 155890


I’ve built those in toe kicks before ..

Reactions: Like 2 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415



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## rocky1



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Mike1950

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish . . .

“I wish to live forever,” I said.

“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”

“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!”

“You crafty bastard,” replied the fairy . . .

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 4 | Funny 3


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## rocky1

So that's how you arranged to be that damn old! I didn't know Congress was full of crooks way back then, but it doesn't surprise me in the least.

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 7 | Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier




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## woodman6415



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## SENC

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Those are so dang funny. After some of the stuff I've heard in court, I can understand.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## rocky1

During Jury Selection process on a drug deal case:

Defense Attorney: Do you know the arresting officer, Officer Brian AAAA ?

Rocky: Yes, I do.

Defense Attorney: How do you know officer AAAA?

Rocky: Officer AAAA was a deputy in Turtle Lake, he was assigned to that community upon accepting his position with the McLean County Sheriff's Department approximately 15 years ago, he's been employed with the Drug Enforcement Task Force for the last 5 years, still resides in Turtle Lake. I've known Officer AAAA since he first arrived in the community, we've been close friends all of that time. Our kids go to school together, we live a half block from each other, we're both avid fishermen, he and his family ran the local bait and tackle shop for several years, we've tournament fished together for the last 4 years.

Defense Attorney: Would you say that everything Officer AAAA might tell you would be honest, forthright, and truthful?

Rocky: I just explained, we both fish a great deal. I don't know that I'd give him all of that "everything".

After the Judge regained his composure...

Defense Attorney: Do you know officer Todd BBBB?

Rocky: Yes, I do.

Defense Attorney: How do you know Officer BBBB?

Rocky: He's Officer AAAA's immediate supervisor, on the Drug Enforcement Task Force, he too tournament fishes a great deal. I met Officer BBBB through Officer AAAA approximately 4 years ago, we've spent a good deal of time together at fishing tournaments, sharing fishing tips, socializing after the day's fishing.

Defense Attorney: Would you say that everything Officer BBBB might tell you would be honest, forthright, and truthful? 

Rocky: Do I really need to explain that fishing situation for your benefit again?


Judge and the Clerk both lost it! Didn't even try to hide it. Nor did most everyone else in the room aside from the Defense Attorney. Even his client was laughing at him. 



--- No... I did not do Jury Duty on that case! 

I think we were at 4 out of 5 Arresting Officers that I knew personally, with one or two more to go, when the Defense Attorney finally started seriously whining about me, and the Deputy seated in the jury box next to me, who knew all of them. I told him, that I would listen to the evidence and render a fair and impartial decision based upon the evidence presented, but if I was his client, I would not want me sitting on that jury. He didn't have a clue, but the bust went down in a local tavern I frequented on a regular basis, and I knew ALL of the 10 witnesses, and my significant other, at that time, was employed there, and had in fact worked the night the drug deal/bust went down in the bar.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike1950

5 MB harddrive being shipped by IBM - 1956

Reactions: Like 2 | Way Cool 2


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## kweinert

@Mike1950 -- are you pushing or pulling?

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Lou Currier

No he’s the old guy on the side watching

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950

kweinert said:


> @Mike1950 -- are you pushing or pulling?





Lou Currier said:


> No he’s the old guy on the side watching

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike1950

A blonde moment

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Mr. Peet

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 156447



Ooh, chicken hemp pie, brings back some college meal memories..... No Mom, its a Japanese Maple leaf.... Yeah, didn't work then either.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7


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## Herb G.

A blonde was speeding thru town one day & got pulled over by a blonde lady cop.
The cop asked the 1st blonde for her driver's license. After searching thru her purse & not finding it, 
she asked the lady cop what it looked like. The blonde cop said it's a little square thing with your picture in it.
The 1st blonde pulled out a compact mirror & looked in it. She says "I think this is it" & hands it to the lady cop.
The lady cop looks in it & hands it back to her. The blonde cop says "You're free to go, I didn't realize you were a cop too."

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Lou Currier

Someone got a video of @Tony trying to get into his truck...

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Tony

Lou Currier said:


> Someone got a video of @Tony trying to get into his truck...



 not cool Lou!!!!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodtickgreg

Lou Currier said:


> Someone got a video of @Tony trying to get into his truck...


 Except Tony's not fat.
But that dog was funny.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Sprung

Lou Currier said:


> Someone got a video of @Tony trying to get into his truck...



That reminds me of when I bought a truck back before my senior year of college. My sister and I were going to the same college, which was 800 miles from home. It worked out well for us to just share a vehicle, so she drove my truck. (Which was a stick shift and she could drive very well - and was a source of teasing my friends when they would make comments about how they couldn't drive stick.)

She would often complain of how she would hit her head getting into my truck (a stock F150) and it puzzled me, so I asked her. My truck didn't have running boards, so she would grab the oh crap handle with one hand, the door frame with the other, put one foot up just into the truck, and jump to get in. And would often hit her head from jumping a little too much. I didn't have that problem. She's 5' 4", compared to my 6' 4".

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415

I knew there was a reason I don’t like eggnog

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mr. Peet

woodman6415 said:


> I knew there was a reason I don’t like eggnog
> 
> View attachment 156501



Gee Wendell, its not that bad, you strain the shells out or just leave them stay on the bottom. Its a little gross when one of the eggs was fertilized and all bloody inside. Welcome to the country...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 5 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike1950

From me ta all of ya

For pikin on all us

Reactions: Great Post 3 | Funny 7


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mr. Peet

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 156622



Been better if they had spelled DEER correct, or was that purposeful foreshadowing of the punch line to come?..

Who cares, I was smiling at the misspelling, being I do so all the time.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 8 | Funny 2


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## rocky1

Is it just me, or do others see this as maybe a @Tony situation growing up!

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 10


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## Schroedc



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Lou Currier

Give him credit, he got the car lifted


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## rocky1

And, he could still change the tires!!


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Mr. Peet

SENC said:


> View attachment 156915



Oooo, ber, yeah, looks cold for sure.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 9


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## rocky1



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## Mike1950

While on vacation in Israel the man's wife died.

The mortuary told the older gentleman that he could have his wife buried in the Holy Land for $150 or he could prepare her for her burial in the U.S. for $4000.

The old man thought for a while and said, "Get her ready to go home!"

"Why not bury her here" the mortuary owner asked. "It would be a lot cheaper."

"Well, you're right, it would be cheaper," the old man said. "But I think I remember a story about a fellow being buried here and coming back in three days. I don't want to take that risk."

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 8


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 3


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 11


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## Lou Currier

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 157033

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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1 | +Karma 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 9


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8 | Informative 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 157234



Typical.....


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## Jamesis



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Jamesis



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 12


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## Lou Currier

I found a picture of @Mike1950 helping decorate the Christmas tree...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Jamesis

*You know why Angel Tree Toppers always have that silly expression on their face?


 
You would too if you had a Tree shoved up your A***

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 9 | +Karma 1 | Sincere 1


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## Jamesis

I club my wife and I spade my Dog.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## DKMD



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 8


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Wildthings

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 157410


You'd think you could see them..having a Matte Finish and all

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 8


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## Wildthings

Took me a few minutes but finally "Shrimp on the Barbie" yessir

Reactions: Funny 4


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## rocky1

(_Damn Tony where'd this guy get your pants?_)



"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz GT, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 10


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## Lou Currier

Still funny every time I see it

Reactions: Agree 2


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## SENC

Lou Currier said:


> Still funny every time I see it


See what, someone wearing Tony's pants?

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Lou Currier

Some people’s lists are short

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Lou Currier

Ok!....so I’m bored

Reactions: Funny 9 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 11 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 11


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Jamesis



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 10


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## David Van Asperen

Just saying

Reactions: Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike1950

guy walks into a bar and orders 12 beers. Bartender sets 12 beers in front of him and Guy starts chugging them down. Bartender asks what's the hurry? Guy says " I am in a hurry because of what I have!" and proceeds to chug another beer down. Curious and a bit worried, bartender asks " What do you have?" Guy chugs another beer and Says "75 cents"

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Herb G.

A guy walks into a bar & orders 2 drinks. He drinks one & pours the other in his hand.
Bartender thinks it's kinda strange, but hey, he paid for them, right?
A 1/2 hour goes by & the same guy orders 2 more drinks.
He downs one & pours the other one in his hand.
This repeats itself 2 more times.
Finally, the bartender asks the guy why he orders 2 drinks & pours one in his hand.

The guy says "I gotta get my date drunk too."

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 3 | Great Post 3 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 2


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## rocky1



Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 7


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4 | +Karma 1 | Informative 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## Tony

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 157819



@woodman6415 back in his younger years!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## rocky1

Had me worried there for a minute, I thought you were talking about the Naked sign!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> @woodman6415 back in his younger years!


And I haven’t changed much

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## rocky1

Had mentioned a week or so back that we received a wee bit of rain, and were experiencing some minor flooding. Therein briefly mentioning that 2 CARP, (_that is County Able-bodied Retard 'Ployees_) had attempted to reach the boat ramp, and the Sheriff Department's Dive Team had to be called to rescue them. Well last week it made the paper, as the incidence had been discussed at the County Commission meeting.

Seems according to the story in the paper, that the CARP in question were "attempting to check the Trash Cans at the boat ramp." As they do on a weekly basis. Said they had been in to the boat ramp the previous week and the road was under water, but they made it in and out without a problem. Upon realizing they were in trouble, they attempted to back out, and the truck stalled.

CARP #1 - was apparently at the bottom of the totem pole, and he was driving, was suspended without pay for 5 days.

CARP #2 - the Crew Leader, was apparently assumed to have had some brains, to have previously advanced to the second slot on the totem pole. Since it was blatantly obvious that anyone with brain should have realized they were in trouble well before they started backing out, the Commissioners rescinded his position of responsibility. He was suspended 5 days, demoted from Team Leader back to CARP, and got a cut in pay.

I can't imagine why the Commissioners were so hard on him??!!!

Reactions: Funny 4 | Sincere 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## rocky1

Tony texting you with his platform sneakers on ?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415

rocky1 said:


> Tony texting you with his platform sneakers on ?


He can only get 5’7 standing on top of a 6’ ladder

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> He can only get 5’7 standing on top of a 6’ ladder




GGRRRRRRR

Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1

That was low... that was real low! 

That was like 8" lower than 6'. If you know what I mean!! What am I talking about" Of course you know what I mean!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## rocky1

Wanna borrow a Godzilla critter, little buddy?

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 3


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## rocky1

You can get the same effect with raindrops with roof or rollbar mounted driving lights.


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## kweinert

Why did the two blondes freeze to death at the drive-in theater?


They went to see "Closed for the Winter"

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Lou Currier

This one is for @Eric Rorabaugh ...

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 157928


Or a border jumper

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1 | Creative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 157933


The only motorcycle @Tony is allowed to ride

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Sprung

woodman6415 said:


> The only motorcycle @Tony is allowed to ride



Well, yeah. With short little legs like his that can't reach the ground when he's sitting on the motorcycle, we wouldn't want him tipping over and getting crushed under the bike every time he has to stop!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Here ya go @Tony

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Herb G.

An old couple was having problems remembering things so they went to the Dr.
The Dr. said there's nothing wrong with you, just get a notebook & write it down so you'll remember.
They went back home & the old guy got up & headed for the kitchen.
Wife asked what he was doing. He said "getting a bowl of ice cream".
She said she'd like one too. He said OK.
She said you better write it down. He said he'd remember.
45 mins later, he brings her a tray with bacon, eggs & coffee on it.
She said I knew you'd forget my toast.

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 4 | Funny 7


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## Mike1950

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 157936


need to send this to @Kenbo

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Jamesis

A lot Easier to do Wheelies that way!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 157936



If people would buy it I could make millions!!


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415

Planning a wedding... 

Bob, aged 92, and Mary, aged 89, were excited about their decision to get married. 



While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding, they passed a drug store. Bob suggested they go in.

Bob asked to speak to the pharmacist. He explained they’re about to get married, and asked, "Do you sell heart medication?"

"Of course we do," the pharmacist replied.

"Medicine for rheumatism?"

"Definitely," he said.

"How about Viagra?"

"Of course."

"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

"Yes, the works."

"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"

"Absolutely."

"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

"All speeds and sizes."

"Good," Bob said to the pharmacist. "We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 9


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## woodman6415

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 158098


Well wouldn’t you be ?

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 5 | Funny 8


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## FranklinWorkshops

For those of us who have trouble choosing our words:

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Jamesis

For Cryin' Out Loud is my Dad's favorite


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## FranklinWorkshops

Jamesis said:


> For Cryin' Out Loud is my Dad's favorite


For steel magnolias (like my mother-in-law) the most common was "Well bless your heart."

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Jamesis

When my dad would be driving and another driver did something stupid, instead of calling them an A**hole or Dumb A**,
he'd call them "*Harvey*" "*Buddy*" or "*Pal*".

As a kid I honestly thought my Dad knew these people and was calling them by name!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3


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## Lou Currier

I would like to share a personal experience with my friends here about drinking and driving.
As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a night of "social drinking!" Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home.
Sure enough on the way home I hit a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it..
So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Jamesis

I actually have a Taxi License

Reactions: Like 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Jamesis



Reactions: Funny 2


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## FranklinWorkshops

Jamesis said:


> View attachment 158217


My wife's inflections change the meaning of her questions the same way.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 9 | Funny 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 10


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 5 | Funny 5 | Useful 2


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## Tony



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Great Post 2 | Funny 5 | Useful 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## rocky1

True no doubt... but the news media was just saying the other day, they've received radio signals from a far distant galaxy and suspect there may be life out there somewhere.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Bigdrowdy1

Major tone to earth control!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## rocky1

Had a Physical Science teacher Junior year of high school that was an old pervert. If you were female, wore short skirts, and sat in the first 2 rows, you were guaranteed an A, otherwise he was so damn boring that most of us were failing the class. He retired half way through the year, but the one thing he said that entire first semester that I have never to this day forgotten was... 

"If you think, for even one second, that of all the thousands of planets, in all the thousands of solar systems, in all of the thousands of galaxies in space, that this is only one capable of supporting life, NOT just life as we know it, but capable of supporting life, then you have a very narrow sense of reality."

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4


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## Bigdrowdy1

Dude they really dont have clue based on my chemical test they are all around us!!! They have to be in order for us to move up. If they dont we are so skrewed!! I believe because LSD it said we are the ones!! I believe those freshman were meant to be as a test I avoided them because sophomores were so much more and then some. Margret help me prove my point I know it was your test but i passed!! right! I feel i did!! Go Saints!!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Bigdrowdy1

I left out the fact that some serious bourbon has my attention at the moment!!! Just sayin!!

Reactions: Funny 10


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## rocky1

Here Rodney, get your bourbon back out and read this... 

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-...ignal-repeated-space-scientists-a8719886.html


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 7


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## Bigdrowdy1

rocky1 said:


> Here Rodney, get your bourbon back out and read this...
> 
> https://www.independent.co.uk/life-...ignal-repeated-space-scientists-a8719886.html



Ran out out bourban yesterday. Tried to read but all the popups was a pain in the keister. 1.5 billion light years is a bit far to travel I believe. I am sure we have some trekies here who could put a time line to that number

Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1

Well... Upon Googling it, it would seem 1 light year is the distance light would travel in a vacuum in 1 Julian Year (365 days) or approximately 6 trillion miles.

Thus we would multiply 6,000,000,000,000 x 1, 500,000,000 to arrive at approximately... *9,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 miles away! 

Trip thoughts...*

Sure hope yer rocket gets good mileage!!

I wonder how damn many rest areas the women is gonna want to see from here to there? 

Do I dare trust the Garmin? Or, should I Google map it, and hope Verizon has a monopoly on cell phone coverage there too?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3 | Informative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 10


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 5


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## Lou Currier

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 159500



Or if you are like @Mike1950 you have to get it out before you forget.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## FranklinWorkshops

Lou Currier said:


> Or if you are like @Mike1950 you have to get it out before you forget.


Mike is a little slow this morning so I'll say it for him:

GRRRRRRRRRRR!!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950

Lou Currier said:


> Or if you are like @Mike1950 you have to get it out before you forget.



Thanks larry

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Schroedc



Reactions: Agree 7 | Funny 6


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## rocky1

Yeah and if Fed Ex delivers it, it'll be on the doorstep, regardless of weather, and Lord only knows who's doorstep or which one. We've got 4 houses and the business out here half mile apart, we get stuff for all 4 houses dropped at the office, on the sidewalk out front if the door is locked, on the front porch if the one house, under the car port, occasionally things for there show up at the sisters' houses down the road, even had one get delivered to the neighbors a mile North.


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## FranklinWorkshops

rocky1 said:


> Yeah and if Fed Ex delivers it, it'll be on the doorstep, regardless of weather, and Lord only knows who's doorstep or which one. We've got 4 houses and the business out here half mile apart, we get stuff for all 4 houses dropped at the office, on the sidewalk out front if the door is locked, on the front porch if the one house, under the car port, occasionally things for there show up at the sisters' houses down the road, even had one get delivered to the neighbors a mile North.


Rocky, they just want you to get to know your neighbors. I've met very nice people re-delivering packages to them.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf ballsand sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,"It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity anylonger, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 12


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9 | Informative 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 8 | Funny 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 8


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 11


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier

.

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## Sprung



Reactions: Funny 7


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## FranklinWorkshops

@Sprung
I feel for you guys in the Midwest. This is one gosh awful cold system you're having.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Sprung

FranklinWorkshops said:


> @Sprung
> I feel for you guys in the Midwest. This is one gosh awful cold system you're having.



Looking out the window, it looks deceptively nice outside. Sunny. Though also windy. But, yeah, it's cold and getting colder. I made a run to the grocery store last night (since the roads were finally better after Sunday night's snow and Monday's wind had calmed a little - it's 12 miles to the nearest grocery store, with everything between towns being flat, open farmland) and it wasn't too bad out then. As of right now, I don't have to leave the house until Thursday morning - my office is in our house and the visits I planned to make this week I'll do at the end of the week when it's going to start warming up. Though I will probably bundle up and walk next door sometime tomorrow to check on the church building and make sure all is well, heat is still working, no burst pipes, etc.

Reactions: Sincere 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7 | Creative 1


----------



## barry richardson



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Tony




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## Mr. Peet

SENC said:


> View attachment 160060



Henry,

Look at the date on the paper. Clearly an American kid in a foreign country....They used Roman Numerals, something the US stopped using decades ago. Forty year olds are confused by old clock faces. I could go on but @Brink is back so I don't have too...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## FranklinWorkshops

Mr. Peet said:


> Henry,
> 
> Look at the date on the paper. Clearly an American kid in a foreign country....They used Roman Numerals, something the US stopped using decades ago. Forty year olds are confused by old clock faces. I could go on but @Brink is back so I don't have too...


Mark, you need to read more books. Most of them still number preface pages with Roman Numerals.


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## Mr. Peet

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Mark, you need to read more books. Most of them still number preface pages with Roman Numerals.



No, I don't. That was on my rant list, I stopped at clocks to keep it simple. Good point though...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Great Post 3 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Since when did you cowboys start drinking frozen margaritas? Wimps. Soon you will be ordering root beer in your bar.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Since when did you cowboys start drinking frozen margaritas? Wimps. Soon you will be ordering root beer in your bar.



I thought they liked Sarsaprilla?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Since when did you cowboys start drinking frozen margaritas? Wimps. Soon you will be ordering root beer in your bar.


Only when we are eating Tex-Mex food ... nothing wrong with a margaritas ... made with tequila...you wimps should try some .. not like them weak fruity daiquiris you northerners drink ..

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Well, I'm a Tennessean living in PA so I'm allowed to drink Jack and any Bourbon I want. Don't need ice with those either.


----------



## Mr. Peet

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Well, I'm a Tennessean living in PA so I'm allowed to drink Jack and any Bourbon I want. Don't need ice with those either.



So I just left an employee appreciation party for a business I consult for. They had 26 bottles of what they called hard lid-quer next to the beer trailer. Not being a "miller lite " fan I took only 2 shots of each bottle. I did not like the 2 blue vodka bottles but approved of the other 21 bottles. So I missed a few but wife said it was time to go....

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mr. Peet

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 160146



I would have called it a "Redknee mine field".


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415

Mr. Peet said:


> I would have called it a "Redknee mine field".


For some of us those would be shin hurters .. to low for my knees

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> For some of us those would be shin hurters .. to low for my knees



Dangerous to my reproductive area personally.....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> Dangerous to my reproductive area personally.....


True

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mr. Peet

Tony said:


> Dangerous to my reproductive area personally.....



Didn't your Dad tell you not to *screw* around in in parking lots?


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## woodman6415

Mr. Peet said:


> Didn't your Dad tell you not to *screw* around in in parking lots?


He’s Greek ... never passes up screwing around ... location doesn’t matter

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415

Not at my house today .. a beautiful 71 degrees

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony



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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 1


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## Lou Currier

Haters gonna hate


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 8 | Sincere 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Johnturner

Tony said:


> View attachment 160179



They hate us cause they ain't us


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## SENC

Seen while hat-fumigating in Tejas this weekend...

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 5 | Funny 5


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## Lou Currier

SENC said:


> Seen while hat-fumigating in Tejas this weekend...
> 
> View attachment 160228



Boarder wall

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415

Lou Currier said:


> Boarder wall
> 
> View attachment 160243


Agree that should keep those durn yankee snow birds out .. but you forgot the wall at the over yonder border ...

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Lou Currier

woodman6415 said:


> Agree that should keep those durn yankee snow birds out .. but you forgot the wall at the over yonder border ...



You can have the over yonders...even the

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415

Lou Currier said:


> You can have the over yonders...even the


Sorry we are full

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Lou Currier



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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 7


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## Mr. Peet

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 160315



Might be a "poor" politician's car. Always being blamed for not having a heart, so states "Is hearted" as a political thing...?...


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 11 | +Karma 1


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## rocky1

Think I mighta found a picture of @ripjack13 at the Doctor's office!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13

Ha! Awesome....


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## ripjack13

Yes, but, mine goes to 11.....


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## Mike Hill

Just flying back from Marco Island. Ponce deLeon went there alookin’ for the fountain of youth. I can see why. Florida is a magical place. I always feel young and skinny here-not the decrepit old man that I am. Just say’n! _ In comparison_

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mr. Peet

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 160527



I see the top sign is missing in one of the photos...wondering if the snow plow got it....


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## Lou Currier

You know it’s time to retire when...

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8 | Way Cool 1 | Informative 1


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## ripjack13

Three men were flying in a small plane over the ocean, when all of a sudden the engines cut out and they are forced to make an emergency landing near a small island. They are then greeted by some very hostile natives who take them before the big chief. 
The big chief asks the 1st man, "Death or Oogabooga?" 
The 1st man says, "I don't know what the hell Oogabooga is, but it's got to be better than death, so I choose Oogabooga." 
The chief then orders all the native men to sodomize the 1st man. The chief then asks the second man, "Death or Oogabooga?" 
The 2nd man doesn't like the sound of either one now, but still chooses Oogabooga over being killed, and he to is sodomized. 
Finally the chief asks the 3rd man, "Death or Oogabooga?" 
He has already decided that he would rather die than to be sodomized, so he says confidently, "DEATH!" 



So big chief says, "OK, death by Oogabooga!"


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## Lou Currier

....moral of the story....no matter what life throws at you, expect to be sodomized

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> Three men were flying in a small plane over the ocean, when all of a sudden the engines cut out and they are forced to make an emergency landing near a small island. They are then greeted by some very hostile natives who take them before the big chief.
> The big chief asks the 1st man, "Death or Oogabooga?"
> The 1st man says, "I don't know what the hell Oogabooga is, but it's got to be better than death, so I choose Oogabooga."
> The chief then orders all the native men to sodomize the 1st man. The chief then asks the second man, "Death or Oogabooga?"
> The 2nd man doesn't like the sound of either one now, but still chooses Oogabooga over being killed, and he to is sodomized.
> Finally the chief asks the 3rd man, "Death or Oogabooga?"
> He has already decided that he would rather die than to be sodomized, so he says confidently, "DEATH!"
> 
> 
> 
> So big chief says, "OK, death by Oogabooga!"



I guess we watch the same shows on TV!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 11


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## Lou Currier

Hey mom....why isn’t fluffy moving?

Reactions: Funny 3


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## rocky1

Don't have to worry about him treating the neighbors garbage up no more!


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## Wildthings

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 160643


Hey I can relate to that!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Creative 1


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## SENC

Not really a joke...

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Tony

True by the way!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415

SENC said:


> Not really a joke...
> 
> View attachment 160660


Should be a black spot at my house .. I don’t own any guns .... I repeat for government eavesdropping.: I have no guns

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 6 | Sincere 1


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## ripjack13

Tony said:


> I guess we watch the same shows on TV!



Lol....I had to find out what the joke was.....

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## wombat



Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mr. Peet

wombat said:


> View attachment 160708



Think it was funnier yesterday when Mike posted it...or 2 days ago Aussy time..?...

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## Bigdrowdy1

This so true with today’s society.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Bigdrowdy1

*R.I.P.*

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased container. Dozens of celebrities turned
out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the Raisins,
Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was
piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a
very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite
being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered
a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane
Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by
his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 7 | Sincere 1


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Mr. Peet

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 160781



That is a good question...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 160781



Poor Tony... Did they get your lunch money bud?

Reactions: Funny 2 | Way Cool 1


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 160780





woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 160781

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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Great Post 5 | Funny 4


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## Bigdrowdy1

My Grandpa always said... "When one door closes another door opens." He was a great man, but terrible Cabinetmaker!

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Bigdrowdy1

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some shoes(he is 81). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I notices he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look at him and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one. In classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and f---ed a peacock. Was wondering if you were my son"!

Reactions: Funny 11


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## woodtickgreg

Omg, Rodney your killin me, I think I peed myself laughing at that one.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Bigdrowdy1

For us barterers on here!!!


This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. She glanced over and looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in the barter system, big boy. Would you be interested in a trade of sex for ammo?" I thought it over for a few seconds and responded..... "Maybe. How much ammo ya got?"

Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 2 | Funny 3


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 3 | Useful 1


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## Mike1950

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Don Ratcliff

Not my wife but it was funny anyway

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Eric Rorabaugh

That is the truest thing I've seen in a while!!!


----------



## ripjack13

Hahahaahahahahaaaaa


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


----------



## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1 | Creative 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier




----------



## Lou Currier

I was to distracted by the pants that I didn’t see the 200ib kid in the kart

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## Johnturner

Lou Currier said:


> I was to distracted by the pants that I didn’t see the 200ib kid in the kart
> 
> View attachment 161080



Pants? What pants?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mr. Peet

Lou Currier said:


> I was to distracted by the pants that I didn’t see the 200ib kid in the kart
> 
> View attachment 161080



If she had those new fad knee high riding boots, would have never known they made such pants....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Tony



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## SENC

And in the red corner, @Brink





__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=236779580541971

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Sprung



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 7 | Informative 1


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Rocking RP



Reactions: Like 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 4 | Creative 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 1 | Informative 1 | Sincere 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tony

@Mike1950, when did you move to Texas?

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3 | Creative 1


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## Brink



Reactions: Agree 7 | Funny 7


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Lou Currier

Meanwhile at the @rocky1 residence...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Clay3063

Looks like we're ready for tape and mud now.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Funny 6


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## rocky1

Lou Currier said:


> Meanwhile at the @rocky1 residence...
> 
> View attachment 161786

Reactions: Funny 5


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 6


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## rocky1

Uhmmm... @Tony tell us it ain't so man! I've often wondered why you were always so happy.

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Tony

rocky1 said:


> Uhmmm... @Tony tell us it ain't so man! I've often wondered why you were always so happy.
> 
> View attachment 161868



Somewhere Kevin is laughing his butt off!

Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 3


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## Rocking RP

My daughter sent this to me. Others might relate

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 7


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## Mr. Peet

Tony said:


> Somewhere Kevin is laughing his butt off!



Or he is just running through the grass....

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Don Ratcliff



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Tony



Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415

rocky1 said:


> Uhmmm... @Tony tell us it ain't so man! I've often wondered why you were always so happy.
> 
> View attachment 161868


Can’t be true .. grass don’t grow in Texas ... blue bonnets and very tall weeds

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 10


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7 | Informative 1


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## ripjack13

How's this for grouping?

Reactions: Agree 1


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## ripjack13

https://www.guns.com/news/2019/03/0...g0Md4M4ndipwbOsPPFYMHdY9nFTDZnRd0F1FDj3E89osw


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## Eric Rorabaugh

That dude is LUCKY!!!

Reactions: Agree 4


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## Wildthings

OMG!!!


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## woodtickgreg

That's a well made barrel, amazing!


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## ripjack13

I can't believe he didn't know they were not coming out. What a nimrod....

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Herb G.

Squibs, or under powdered rounds. Otherwise it'd have blown his head off.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## rocky1

Yeah... Sounds like someone's automated powder measure was plugged and didn't load powder. Or, someone's jacking the shooting world around. Physically impossible to plug a barrel to that extent without some nature of explosion, some hellacious blow black, mechanical malfunction of some nature, body parts missing, or something.


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## Johnturner

As a non-gun person What is going on here?


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## woodtickgreg

Johnturner said:


> As a non-gun person What is going on here?


Multiple bullets jammed in a barrel, that usually causes a barrel rupture and death!


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 162316



It's your bed. You can do what you want....

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415

ripjack13 said:


> It's your bed. You can do what you want....


That’s true .. and sooner or later I would have to clean it...:

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> That’s true .. and sooner or later I would have to clean it...:



Or just get a new bed....


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> Or just get a new bed....


 Big man beds cost a lot more than short boy beds ....

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Sprung

woodman6415 said:


> Big man beds cost a lot more than short boy beds ....



Yup - Tony's probably the only member here who can still use a toddler bed!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Wildthings

Johnturner said:


> As a non-gun person What is going on here?



The first bullet shot did not exit the gun barrel. That is bad for the second bullet shot which usually ends up as a exploded barrel BUT 35 bullets. The person is a total idiot a very lucky one but still an [email protected]

Reactions: Agree 4


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## ripjack13

The face I make when I hear chainsaws running down the road....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 3 | Funny 9


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## barry richardson

__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1520549994744043

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## wombat

barry richardson said:


> __ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1520549994744043


That might be the funniest thing I've seen in a long time, what a great way to start the morning.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Mills



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6


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## Wildthings

Mike Mills said:


> View attachment 162558


Sorry tipper! That's only a 11.6% tip

Reactions: Agree 1


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## rocky1

Depends on what kind of pi it is

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Johnturner

The appropriate number of tools is N+1, with N being the number of tools you currently have.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Great Post 1


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## ripjack13

Jameson found a piece of wood for me....

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mr. Peet

ripjack13 said:


> Jameson found a piece of wood for me....
> 
> View attachment 162651


 
Is that 'Pucker-wood'?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Lou Currier

It’s petrified something

Reactions: Like 1


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## Lou Currier

Fixed it...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Herb G.

ripjack13 said:


> Jameson found a piece of wood for me....
> 
> View attachment 162651


Ah...The infamous wrinkled star wood. Very rare indeed.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Lou Currier

Squeeeeal!

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7 | Way Cool 2


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## Mr. Peet

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 162843



Assume you were careful, with all the dust can only expect a bunch of coffin...

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Bigdrowdy1



Reactions: Funny 7


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## kweinert

After the birth of their 9th child a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn't afford a larger bed.

The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin dun want no more kids."

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy but it was expensive. "There is a cheaper option," said the vet. "Go home, find yourself a cherry bomb, light it up and put it in a Coors Lite can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

I ain't no rocket surgeon," said the redneck, "But how's that gonna help me?"

"Trust me" said the vet.

So the redneck went home, drained a beer, then stuffed a lit cherry bomb in the empty can. He brought it up to his ear and began to count:

"1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ..."

Once he got to five, he stopped for a second, put the can between his legs, and resumed the count on his other hand.

Reactions: Funny 13


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## Tony



Reactions: Agree 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8 | +Karma 1


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## rocky1

You did that when you worked for a living too!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Lou Currier

rocky1 said:


> You did that when you worked for a living too!



I had blue lights so I had to do the speed limit

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## rocky1

You had blue lights, so NO ONE would pass you, no matter how slow you drove around.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1 | +Karma 2


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## rocky1

I've often wondered if some law enforcement officers don't do that drive around slow routine just to see how many cars are afraid to pass them.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 13 | Creative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5 | +Karma 1


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## Lou Currier

rocky1 said:


> I've often wondered if some law enforcement officers don't do that drive around slow routine just to see how many cars are afraid to pass them.


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## FranklinWorkshops




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## rocky1

Don't worry Lou I'm one of those guys that would blow by you doing at least 2 mph over the speed limit, just because.

Of course the HP in front of the farm truck I blew by up there in North Dakota gazing at combines in the field didn't see any humor in the 12 mph over the speed limit. But he did thank me for being cordial and cooperative.

Reactions: Like 2


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## woodman6415

An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## FranklinWorkshops

Just because your turkey died, you can still keep it in the freezer for months. What's your problem?

Reactions: Agree 2 | Informative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 4 | +Karma 1


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## rocky1

Wife and Sister-in-Law went to Wally World shopping about midnight, a few weeks ago. Avoiding the crowds, had been busy, had something going on the next day and needed groceries for it. There was NO ONE at the cash registers. Everything was self serve, and a lot of people don't do self checkout well. It wasn't a good deal, took them almost 20 minutes to get to a register to check themselves out. Sister-in-law worked for Wally World for over 20 years, she knows who to call and complain to at corporate headquarters!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Lou Currier

Would have left my junk and walked out.

Reactions: Agree 4


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## kweinert

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Just because your turkey died, you can still keep it in the freezer for months. What's your problem?



Reminds me of that old joke: "I just shot my first turkey today! Scared the hell out of the people in the frozen food aisle though."

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Schroedc

kweinert said:


> Reminds me of that old joke: "I just shot my first turkey today! Scared the hell out of the people in the frozen food aisle though."



Or the lady at the grocery store who asks the guy in the frozen section, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" and he replies, "No Ma'am, they're all dead."

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


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## Tony

Those self checkout lanes just piss me off. They are basically saying, "We don't want to spend money for cashiers so do it yourself ".

Reactions: Agree 2


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## kweinert

Two young boys walk into a drug store one day, pick up a box of tampons and proceed to the checkout counter. 

The cashier asked the older boy "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The cashier continued, "Do you know what those are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me, they're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" replied the cashier, grinning.

"Yes," the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able swim, play tennis, and ride a bike. Right now he can't do none of those."

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Herb G.

Tony said:


> Those self checkout lanes just piss me off. They are basically saying, "We don't want to spend money for cashiers so do it yourself ".


Sam's Club has done away with cashiers completely. Our local grocery store is doing the same thing.
Every time my wife & I check out, some schlep says "you can use the self checkout".
When I ask if we get 40% off for doing their job, the conversation ends.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Sincere 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6


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## rocky1

So the other night I'm sitting here minding my own business, it's around 10 pm, and I get this text from my niece's husband, out of the blue, that said...

"Dude! Why in the hell didn't you tell me we had flying squirrels!!"

Needless to say this is a little confusing!! Not knowing what was going on, I looked up the below picture, and sent it in reply, along with statement to the effect, "Yeah Corey, we have flying squirrels. I have a few other pictures of them on camera, literally, ON THE CAMERA, like ears, nose, inside the ear, a few more zipping by at high speed, without stopping and posing as nice as this one. But yeah, they are around."





In reply, I got... "Yeah, it looked just like that. About a foot in front of me! Pretty sure I sh1t!!"

So yesterday I ran him down, and told him I had to hear the rest of this flying squirrel story.

He said, "I needed something out of the shed to take to work with me this morning, so I grabbed my headlight and headed out to the shed to get it, so I didn't forget it. I'm walking to the shed when this thing goes shooting by less than arms length in front of my face, in the LED headlight beam."

"I looked over in the direction it was traveling, thinking 'bat' initially, and I see these eyes glowing on the side of the tree, so I'm moving in closer, trying to figure out just what this thing that went streaking by me at 200 mph in the dark was. And, I'm looking at it, thinking 'Oh baby squirrel!' But, this is all not making any sense, and kinda weirding me out, when I hear SSSSWWWWWISSSSHHHHH!!! Over my right shoulder; I mean literally, over my right shoulder!! And, another one of the little bastards zipped by my head, not a foot from my ear!! Pretty sure I sh1t my pants, on the spot man!! Scared me to death!!"

"Then both of them are running around on the tree trunk, barking and fussing at me shining the light on them. I'm thinking 'Those aren't baby squirrels!' When it dawned on me, they were flying squirrels. I didn't know we had those around here!! I had to tell someone and make sure, and the wife said Grandpa was probably already asleep, so I texted you. And, get the picture in reply!" 

I gotta have this printed on a T-Shirt for him with a "Beware... of Killer Squirrels!" caption.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Mike Mills

Johnturner said:


>



I was having a good day also until you made that sick and devious post.
Now Tom Freaking Jones won't leave my head.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Lou Currier

Right turn Clyde!

Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 1


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## kweinert

Not really sure this belongs in the 'Joke' category, but it is pretty amusing. And he sounds like someone we all would have liked to have known.

https://www.schluterbalikfuneralhome.com/obituary/tim-schrandt

Tim Schrandt, age 63, of Spillville, IA died on Friday, March 29, 2019 at Gundersen Health System in LaCrosse, WI after a short battle with cancer.

Tim Schrandt (Lynyrd) made his last inappropriate comment on March 29, 2019. If you are wondering if you may have ever met him, you didn't -because you WOULD remember. For those of you that did meet him, we apologize, as we're sure he probably offended you. He was world renowned for not holding back and telling it like it is.

Tim was born to William (Bill) Schrandt and Mary (Schrandt) Manning on June 11,1955 - 100 years too late. Given Tim's demeanor he would have been the perfect weathered cowboy in the old west or rough and tough pioneer, or maybe he just should have been Amish.

Tim was the 4th of 8 kids, the bottom rung of the top tier (the big kids). Instead of taking his place on that rung, listening to the older kids and doing as he was told by his older siblings, he decided to anoint himself "king" of the 4 little kids. Tim spent his childhood and early adulthood ordering them around and in general, tormenting them. He was a great orator, (not like Shakespear, but more like Yogi Berra), as he always had something to say,
and always had to get in the last word.

His position as "king" and orator was challenged by the nuns at St. Wenceslaus school in Spillville. He may have met his match. We’re not saying the nuns won, but they put up a good fight, we mean literally - he got into a fist-a-cuff with a nun. In fairness, she probably started it. You didn't take a swing at Tim and not expect one back. Tim's fondness for authority (his own - not others) followed him to South Winneshiek High School in Calmar and later into the Army. This provided for many interesting episodes and stories, detentions and demotions, and a few "run ins" with the law, not just locally, but globally.

Tim worked at Camcar/Stanley Black and Decker in Decorah as a tool and die maker for 30 plus years. Tim worked with many friends and “a bunch of morons”. His words, not ours. Well not exactly his, words because that would have included a bunch of swear words.

Tim leaves behind a hell of a lot of stuff that his family doesn't know what to do with. So, if you are looking for a Virgin Mary in a bathtub shrine (you Catholics know what we’re talking about) you should wait the appropriate amount of time and get in touch with them.

Tomorrow would be fine.

In addition to his stuff he leaves behind two great boys who he was extremely proud of, Cody (Jenny) Schrandt and Josh (Lydia) Schrandt were the product of his marriage to Crystal Hilmer. He will be missed by his two granddaughters that he adored and taught to cuss, Peyton and MacKenna. Also left to keep the stories alive (but damn, there won"t be any new material) are his mother Mary Manning and siblings Mike (Rita Dixon) Schrandt, Marty (Clint) Berg, Becky Schrandt-Miles, Bill (Grease) Schrandt, Pam (Rick) Barnes, Peter (Sandra) Schrandt and many nieces, nephews and cousins that wanted to hang out near him, because you just knew he was going to say or do something good. It’s not that he was such a great storyteller, it’s that he WAS the story!

To his siblings amazement he was actually able to snag a good woman, Cheryl Murray, and hold on to her for the past 13 years, and as far as we know restraints were not used. Tim also created great memories and stories for Cheryl’s kids Alex (Christina) Murray and Samantha (Evan) Luedking and grandkids Tatum and Grace.

He will be having a reunion with his infant daughter Ashley, his brother Duke, his dad Bill Schrandt, many aunts and uncles and a handful of cousins that passed before him. Tim was in charge of getting the beer and ice for our family reunions, so they will be happy to see him.

A common line in obituaries is “He never met a stranger”, in Tim’s case he never met a rule he couldn’t break, a boundary he couldn’t push, a line he couldn’t cross and a story he couldn’t stretch. Another common obituary phrase is “He’d give the shirt off his back”, well Tim was prepared to do that, and he could do it quickly, because he always wore his shirts unbuttoned ¾ the way down. Tim was anything but common!

Despite his crusty exterior, cutting remarks and stubbornness, there is actual evidence that he was a loving, giving and caring person. That evidence is the deep sorrow and pain in our hearts that his family feels from his passing.

Tim led a good life and had a peaceful death - but the transition was a bitch. And for the record, he did not lose his battle with cancer. When he died, the cancer died, so technically it was a tie! He was ready to meet his Maker, we're just not sure "The Maker" is ready to meet Tim.

Good luck God!

We are considering establishing a Go-Fund-Me account for G. Heileman Brewing Co., the brewers of Old Style beer, as we anticipate they are about to experience significant hardship as a result of the loss of Tim"s business. Keep them in your thoughts.

Reactions: Great Post 9 | Sincere 1


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## Tony

kweinert said:


> Not really sure this belongs in the 'Joke' category, but it is pretty amusing. And he sounds like someone we all would have liked to have known.
> 
> https://www.schluterbalikfuneralhome.com/obituary/tim-schrandt
> 
> Tim Schrandt, age 63, of Spillville, IA died on Friday, March 29, 2019 at Gundersen Health System in LaCrosse, WI after a short battle with cancer.
> 
> Tim Schrandt (Lynyrd) made his last inappropriate comment on March 29, 2019. If you are wondering if you may have ever met him, you didn't -because you WOULD remember. For those of you that did meet him, we apologize, as we're sure he probably offended you. He was world renowned for not holding back and telling it like it is.
> 
> Tim was born to William (Bill) Schrandt and Mary (Schrandt) Manning on June 11,1955 - 100 years too late. Given Tim's demeanor he would have been the perfect weathered cowboy in the old west or rough and tough pioneer, or maybe he just should have been Amish.
> 
> Tim was the 4th of 8 kids, the bottom rung of the top tier (the big kids). Instead of taking his place on that rung, listening to the older kids and doing as he was told by his older siblings, he decided to anoint himself "king" of the 4 little kids. Tim spent his childhood and early adulthood ordering them around and in general, tormenting them. He was a great orator, (not like Shakespear, but more like Yogi Berra), as he always had something to say,
> and always had to get in the last word.
> 
> His position as "king" and orator was challenged by the nuns at St. Wenceslaus school in Spillville. He may have met his match. We’re not saying the nuns won, but they put up a good fight, we mean literally - he got into a fist-a-cuff with a nun. In fairness, she probably started it. You didn't take a swing at Tim and not expect one back. Tim's fondness for authority (his own - not others) followed him to South Winneshiek High School in Calmar and later into the Army. This provided for many interesting episodes and stories, detentions and demotions, and a few "run ins" with the law, not just locally, but globally.
> 
> Tim worked at Camcar/Stanley Black and Decker in Decorah as a tool and die maker for 30 plus years. Tim worked with many friends and “a bunch of morons”. His words, not ours. Well not exactly his, words because that would have included a bunch of swear words.
> 
> Tim leaves behind a hell of a lot of stuff that his family doesn't know what to do with. So, if you are looking for a Virgin Mary in a bathtub shrine (you Catholics know what we’re talking about) you should wait the appropriate amount of time and get in touch with them.
> 
> Tomorrow would be fine.
> 
> In addition to his stuff he leaves behind two great boys who he was extremely proud of, Cody (Jenny) Schrandt and Josh (Lydia) Schrandt were the product of his marriage to Crystal Hilmer. He will be missed by his two granddaughters that he adored and taught to cuss, Peyton and MacKenna. Also left to keep the stories alive (but damn, there won"t be any new material) are his mother Mary Manning and siblings Mike (Rita Dixon) Schrandt, Marty (Clint) Berg, Becky Schrandt-Miles, Bill (Grease) Schrandt, Pam (Rick) Barnes, Peter (Sandra) Schrandt and many nieces, nephews and cousins that wanted to hang out near him, because you just knew he was going to say or do something good. It’s not that he was such a great storyteller, it’s that he WAS the story!
> 
> To his siblings amazement he was actually able to snag a good woman, Cheryl Murray, and hold on to her for the past 13 years, and as far as we know restraints were not used. Tim also created great memories and stories for Cheryl’s kids Alex (Christina) Murray and Samantha (Evan) Luedking and grandkids Tatum and Grace.
> 
> He will be having a reunion with his infant daughter Ashley, his brother Duke, his dad Bill Schrandt, many aunts and uncles and a handful of cousins that passed before him. Tim was in charge of getting the beer and ice for our family reunions, so they will be happy to see him.
> 
> A common line in obituaries is “He never met a stranger”, in Tim’s case he never met a rule he couldn’t break, a boundary he couldn’t push, a line he couldn’t cross and a story he couldn’t stretch. Another common obituary phrase is “He’d give the shirt off his back”, well Tim was prepared to do that, and he could do it quickly, because he always wore his shirts unbuttoned ¾ the way down. Tim was anything but common!
> 
> Despite his crusty exterior, cutting remarks and stubbornness, there is actual evidence that he was a loving, giving and caring person. That evidence is the deep sorrow and pain in our hearts that his family feels from his passing.
> 
> Tim led a good life and had a peaceful death - but the transition was a bitch. And for the record, he did not lose his battle with cancer. When he died, the cancer died, so technically it was a tie! He was ready to meet his Maker, we're just not sure "The Maker" is ready to meet Tim.
> 
> Good luck God!
> 
> We are considering establishing a Go-Fund-Me account for G. Heileman Brewing Co., the brewers of Old Style beer, as we anticipate they are about to experience significant hardship as a result of the loss of Tim"s business. Keep them in your thoughts.



He would've fit right in here.

Reactions: Agree 4 | +Karma 1


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## rocky1

Sounds like Tim may have wrote his own obituary or the whole family is fun people to be around. Wish I'd met the guy, he sounds like he was my kinda people!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## kweinert

rocky1 said:


> Sounds like Tim may have wrote his own obituary or the whole family is fun people to be around. Wish I'd met the guy, he sounds like he was my kinda people!



Even if he did write it himself the family agreed to publish it - so they're likely to be the 'fun to be around' type of folks in either case!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Gdurfey

this has been around before, but still true..........

*Drafting Guys Over 70.*

*I am over 70 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.*

*Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55.*

*For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.*

*Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some wiseguy that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.*

*An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.*

*If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.*

*Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.*

*They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.*

*Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.*

*An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.*

*These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.*

*Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.*

*HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50... in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!*

*Send this to all of your senior friends... it's in big type so they can read it.*

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Great Post 3 | Funny 2


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## Wildthings

Gdurfey said:


> this has been around before, but still true..........
> 
> *Drafting Guys Over 70.*
> 
> *I am over 70 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.*
> 
> *Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55.*
> 
> *For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.*
> 
> *Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some wiseguy that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.*
> 
> *An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.*
> 
> *If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.*
> 
> *Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.*
> 
> *They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.*
> 
> *Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.*
> 
> *An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.*
> 
> *These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.*
> 
> *Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.*
> 
> *HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50... in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!*
> 
> *Send this to all of your senior friends... it's in big type so they can read it.*


​I ain't going to agree with it but still think it's funny

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Lou Currier

I can’t help myself

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 7


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## rocky1

Yeah, but the guy on the bottom is gonna conceal it, way better than the guy on top!

Reactions: Agree 5 | +Karma 1 | Informative 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 3 | Thank You! 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 7 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 164166



You're just learning that now?

Slowpoke.....hahahahaaa

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike1950

ripjack13 said:


> You're just learning that now?
> 
> Slowpoke.....hahahahaaa


No- As I get older I think I get better at it

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## rocky1

Not sure if it's an acquired trait with age, you simply got more practice so it comes more naturally, or you simply don't care who you piss off so diplomacy is more often out the window.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 11 | Creative 1


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## Lou Currier

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're gonna love this.)

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

Reactions: Funny 9


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## rocky1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 8


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8 | Informative 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415

ripjack13 is awesome....

But @Tony is spectacular

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13

woodman6415 said:


> ripjack13 is awesome....



Fixed your double post...

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## ripjack13




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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 8


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## ripjack13

woodman6415 said:


> ripjack13 is awesome....
> 
> But @Tony is spectacular


 
Hey, get your own schtick Tony!

Hahahaaa

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415

ripjack13 said:


> Hey, get your own schtick Tony!
> 
> Hahahaaa


Both of you are shameless thieves... just saying

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13

woodman6415 said:


> Both of you are shameless thieves... just saying

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Eric Rorabaugh

woodman6415 said:


> Both of you are shameless thieves... just saying



OUCH!!!


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## ripjack13

good grief....I try to have a lil fun with fun double posts and I get beat with a wet macaroni.....

Reactions: Agree 2


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## woodman6415

ripjack13 said:


> good grief....I try to have a lil fun with fun double posts and I get beat with a wet macaroni.....


Better than what’s going to happen to the runt new time I see him

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

woodman6415 said:


> Better than what’s going to happen to the runt new time I see him



Pics or video will be required.....ha!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> Pics or video will be required.....ha!



I'll just stand 10 feet away and not move much, he can't see no more with his old eyes

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> I'll just stand 10 feet away and not move much, he can't see no more with his old eyes


I have to look down to see you when we are standing close

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## rocky1



Reactions: Funny 6


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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## rocky1

How to tell when you are in a True Redneck Community!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## rocky1

How to tell when you are in a True Redneck Community 2!



 

Oh yeah... You can't make this kinda sh1t up!! It's fer real guys!! 

https://www.theclinchcountynews.com/2019/04/12/argyles-town-donkey/

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6 | +Karma 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 11


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Lou Currier



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2 | Informative 3 | Creative 1


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## Tony




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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Schroedc

Mike Mills said:


> I was having a good day also until you made that sick and devious post.
> Now Tom Freaking Jones won't leave my head.



Suffering from Tom Jones Syndrome? It's not unusual......

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Lou Currier

That might actually taste good


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 5


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## FranklinWorkshops

Only in Texas...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Wildthings

Probably heading to the deer lease! Or getting ready for the next hurricane!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415

What could go wrong?

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Wildthings

Not a thing! They got it strapped into the bed!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Wildthings said:


> Not a thing! They got it strapped into the bed!!


You're right. Guess they were afraid it would roll out?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2 | Great Post 2 | Funny 2


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Gdurfey



Reactions: Funny 12


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 4 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## vegas urban lumber

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 164805


except that's a deer scalp

Reactions: Agree 1


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## SENC

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 164914


Looking at the car, I might disagree.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 7


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## rocky1



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415

The Arkansas D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. 

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. 

The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

Reactions: Funny 10


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## woodman6415

Harley-Davidson

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've been such a good man nd your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?'

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke,
'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional,
you have some major design flaws in your invention

For example,

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## Lou Currier

@Eric Rorabaugh  

I have a chihuahua Had a co-worker who would bring his minpin to work and they would ride around policing the streets. It was hilarious watching people’s reactions

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 7 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7 | +Karma 1


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## kweinert

If every day is a gift, then yesterday was socks.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Tony



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 3 | Funny 5


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## Lou Currier

kweinert said:


> If every day is a gift, then yesterday was socks.



Better than...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## rocky1

Some things you just can't make up!!

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tony

rocky1 said:


> Some things you just can't make up!!
> 
> View attachment 165741



The first clue that this guy is a candy is calling them cowboy pants.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Probably posted somewhere in Texas!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415

rocky1 said:


> Some things you just can't make up!!
> 
> View attachment 165741


Funny part is those are boar goats .. pretty tame

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> Probably posted somewhere in Texas!


Oklahoma

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Oklahoma...Texas...same thing!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> Oklahoma...Texas...same thing!


Fighting words bub .. and I have never done a mean thing to you

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4 | +Karma 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8


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## Tony

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> Oklahoma...Texas...same thing!



You might want to stay out of Texas, saying that will get you shot here 9 out of 10 times.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Not worried. I've seen y'all shoot!





Just kidding

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> You might want to stay out of Texas, saying that will get you shot here 9 out of 10 times.


I shoot better than that .. I’d hit him all 10 shots

Reactions: Funny 3


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## rocky1

woodman6415 said:


> Funny part is those are boat goats .. pretty tame



This one I think was trying to be humorous. 

Now the one offering the two horses for free, 1 mustang 1 mustang/quarter horse cross, that were green broke at one time, but had been on free range pasture for 13 years, that said if you were cowboy enough to catch them, you could have them. I'm thinking maybe he should have had another ad selling tickets!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415

rocky1 said:


> This one I think was trying to be humorous.
> 
> Now the one offering the two horses for free, 1 mustang 1 mustang/quarter horse cross, that were green broke at one time, but had been on free range pasture for 13 years, that said if you were cowboy enough to catch them, you could have them. I'm thinking maybe he should have had another ad selling tickets!


I know a few people that have adopted wild mustangs .. those are some mean horses .. most never get over being in captivity..

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mr. Peet

woodman6415 said:


> I shoot better than that .. I’d hit him all 10 shots



I took Tony's comment as 1 of ten does not shoot. So 9 out of 9...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1

woodman6415 said:


> I know a few people that have adopted wild mustangs .. those are some mean horses .. most never get over being in captivity..



I've heard of a few that were tamed, but I've never seen them to see how tamed. Likewise, know several folks that have tried... Greenbroke is about as far as they ever got.


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## Wildthings

Mr. Peet said:


> I took Tony's comment as 1 of ten does not shoot. So 9 out of 9...


Nope! The 10th person is just a really bad shot!!

and these two are good shots!!

INTRUDER

Reactions: Like 1


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## woodman6415

Wildthings said:


> Nope! The 10th person is just a really bad shot!!
> 
> and these two are good shots!!
> 
> INTRUDER


The reason the 10th person is a bad shot because he/she moved here from a different state

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2 | Creative 1


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## Eric Rorabaugh

woodman6415 said:


> The reason the 10th person is a bad shot because he/she moved here from a different state



Oh Lord. The crap is getting DEEP in here now!!!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> Oh Lord. The crap is getting DEEP in here now!!!!


I think it got a lot deeper when you showed up.. 
but the fact we wear boots we can stand a lot of crap ... carry on

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

woodman6415 said:


> The reason the 10th person is a bad shot because he/she moved here from a different state



Must be a Virginian....

Reactions: Agree 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1


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## Eric Rorabaugh

I fixed it for you Eric. Tony

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Johnturner



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 11 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Looks like @Tony has been arrested....
They finally caught the lil greek guy?

https://kegl.iheart.com/content/201...as-finally-been-caught/#.XJRaUf-wO_M.facebook

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## woodtickgreg

That's just wrong on so many levels.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## Rocking RP



Reactions: Like 1


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## Bigdrowdy1

Man that ain't our @Tony he can't reach that high without a ladder or someone holding him up. Ya'll pick on him but the guy has it made!!! Imagine his daily view, waste high to a short woman and anything above that has to look like heaven!! He has probably seen more than most have gotten in their life. Why do you think he is always smiling and so easy going? Besides he is to smart to be caught or he would be divorced by now. I met his wife and she is a happy,happy,happy woman!!! He ain't gotts to crook his neck or step-up ( well maybe) but none the less she ain't complainan to anybody!! Heart of gold and takes everything you big guys throw at him and keeps on truckin!!! don't know most of you but i want him in my corner anyday and believe me he will step-up and stand taller than a bunch of you!!! Hey @Tony I am gonna bring that stepping stool we talked about to swap.

Big-D-Rowdy-1

Besides my 5' 6 1/2" stature gives a little more height than @Tony 5' 5 1/2" height. It ain't the height but the heart that will kick your ass.

Reactions: Great Post 3 | Funny 4 | Sincere 2


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## Bigdrowdy1

Feel like a Frog Jump my friend!!


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## Wildthings

Oh well, he knew it had to come to an "end" sooner or later

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tony



Reactions: Like 1


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## rocky1

You bailed out already?

Reactions: Like 1


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## woodman6415

ripjack13 said:


> Looks like @Tony has been arrested....
> They finally caught the lil greek guy?
> 
> https://kegl.iheart.com/content/201...as-finally-been-caught/#.XJRaUf-wO_M.facebook


What the hell is Yeezus clothing ? And how in the world can it be worth $ 4500.00 ?

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

woodman6415 said:


> What the hell is Yeezus clothing ? And how in the world can it be worth $ 4500.00 ?



The rapper, Kanye west's clothing line....


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## rocky1

Oh dear God, Lardassian clothes and ticklin buttholes... That is one weird combination there.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415

ripjack13 said:


> The rapper, Kanye west's clothing line....


That’s insane to pay that much for any clothing .. I guess people are that stupid ...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## rocky1

What's ridiculous is, they pay $4500 for Kanye's designer clothes, and he wears a $40 Dickies Jacket to to some big "Gala" Hollywood function and the media is blown away with it.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Wait...y'all don't buy them? Ha. The highest priced store around here is the Old Fort western store. Never even heard of those.


----------



## rocky1

Western Store here was always about the highest priced place in town for years. Probably a few in the mall that have them beat these days, but maybe not. They've been in the same location for more than 50 years that I can remember, and they're still doing business.


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Hill

Old Joke Friday:
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Please Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Karl_TN



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 9 | Sincere 1


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Hey Lou, is that your undercover truck?

Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415

Fred and Mary got married.
But they can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. 
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. 
She replies, "No". 
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" 
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." 
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" 
She replies, "No." 
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" 
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." 
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" 
His mom says "No." 
He asks, "Do you know what I think?" 
His mom replies, "Ok, ok, tell me what you think!!!"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> Hey Lou, is that your undercover truck?



How could you tell

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

o!, I thought he asked about your underwear truck!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5 | Useful 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 4


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## Mike1950

And my first thought when I saw this one @Kenbo .

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Lou Currier

It’s there...just takes a second.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Oh my lord!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tony

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 165931
> 
> It’s there...just takes a second.



Took me about 30 seconds.....

Reactions: Agree 1


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## ripjack13

Hahahaaaa!!!
I got it....I had to explain it to Michele though.

**I don't get it.
* Are you awake?
** Yes.
* look at it.
** I am.
** They're melons
* yea
** What's the funny?
* What kind are they?
**Watermelon and a,...oh. I get it....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> Hahahaaaa!!!
> I got it....I had to explain it to Michele though.
> 
> **I don't get it.
> * Are you awake?
> ** Yes.
> * look at it.
> ** I am.
> ** They're melons
> * yea
> ** What's the funny?
> * What kind are they?
> **Watermelon and a,...oh. I get it....



Nikki got it right away, made me look stupid...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Tony said:


> Nikki got it right away, made me look stupid...



Oh man....stoopid texan.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> Took me about 30 seconds.....


I’m dense .. been looking at it for 5 minutes and still haven’t got it

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415

ripjack13 said:


> Hahahaaaa!!!
> I got it....I had to explain it to Michele though.
> 
> **I don't get it.
> * Are you awake?
> ** Yes.
> * look at it.
> ** I am.
> ** They're melons
> * yea
> ** What's the funny?
> * What kind are they?
> **Watermelon and a,...oh. I get it....


Thanks for explaining

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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 11 | Sincere 1


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## Mike Hill

A general visits an army hospital to check on the conditions and inspire the troops. The general starts talking to the wounded soldiers.
He goes up to the first man and says: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier replies: "sir, I got dysentery in the trenches, something awful." The general asks him: "How are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my behind with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?" and the soldier says: "No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can." The general seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.
The general approaches the second man's bed and asks: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier replies somewhat embarrassed: "Sir, I got gonorrhoea from a woman while I was on leave." The general laughs and says: "It happens to the best of us son, how are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my privates with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?" and the soldier says: "No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can." The general once again seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.
The general approaches the third man's bed and asks: "What brings you in here son?" The soldier tells him: "sir, I got strep throat in the trenches." The general asks: "How are they caring for you in here?" and the soldier replies: "Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my throat with a soft brush." The general asks: "Is there anything else we can do for you?" and the soldier says: "Actually sir, there is one thing... I'd like to be the first one to use the brush."

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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a biker and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight on Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, wildest mountains I can find at the crack of dawn."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old biker said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old biker said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's still alive... he's a biker too."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old biker said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old biker replied, "He's 117 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went riding with you this Sunday too?"
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!! Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?"
To this old biker smiled and answered, 
"Who said he wanted to?"

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Mike Hill



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## Lou Currier



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## woodman6415

@Tony at the farm 





__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=630689134010240

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## rocky1



Reactions: Agree 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



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## woodman6415



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## rocky1



Reactions: EyeCandy! 2 | Funny 6


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## Wildthings

or goes RIGHT!!

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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Kenbo



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## Eric Rorabaugh

Not even right, not even right!

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## DKMD



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## DKMD



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## Tony

DKMD said:


> View attachment 166398






Kevin is somewhere laughing right now.

Reactions: Agree 4


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## Mr. Peet

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 166318



You know, had I been a single young man, I might have traded places with that reptile just for fun. And yes, I recall riding a moped when I was a teenager...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## T. Ben

Mr. Peet said:


> You know, had I been a single young man, I might have traded places with that reptile just for fun. And yes, I recall riding a moped when I was a teenager...


They are fun to ride

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Tony

T. Ben said:


> They are fun to ride



They are both fun to ride until your friends see you.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## woodtickgreg

I still have a moped!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Kenbo

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> Not even right, not even right!




You must be from Florida.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Lou Currier

You’re not supposed to admit riding mopeds

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2 | Useful 1


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## rocky1

Knew a guy up in ND rode one everywhere he went one summer. Got a DUI and couldn't drive anything else. 

He rode it all the way to Bismarck every week for his DUI classes. Mounted a milk crate on the back, and strapped a gallon gas can in it, said he could make the 60 miles to Bismarck, and about 20 miles back before she ran out of gas! Dump his can of gas in, fire it off, and come on home. 

Would never think it looking at him, or talking to him, but he was and probably still is, an amazing carpenter. Built one of the most beautiful decks I've ever seen on a local farmer's house, had materials dropped, and he carried everything he used to build it in that milk crate.

Reactions: Like 2 | Way Cool 2


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## T. Ben

rocky1 said:


> Knew a guy up in ND rode one everywhere he went one summer. Got a DUI and couldn't drive anything else.
> 
> He rode it all the way to Bismarck every week for his DUI classes. Mounted a milk crate on the back, and strapped a gallon gas can in it, said he could make the 60 miles to Bismarck, and about 20 miles back before she ran out of gas! Dump his can of gas in, fire it off, and come on home.
> 
> Would never think it looking at him, or talking to him, but he was and probably still is, an amazing carpenter. Built one of the most beautiful decks I've ever seen on a local farmer's house, had materials dropped, and he carried everything he used to build it in that milk crate.


You’ve mentioned living in ND a few times now,where in ND did you live? And why would you leave for the god forsaken state of Florida? Both of my parents are from ND,zap and Linton.


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## Mr. Peet

rocky1 said:


> Knew a guy up in ND rode one everywhere he went one summer. Got a DUI and couldn't drive anything else.
> 
> He rode it all the way to Bismarck every week for his DUI classes. Mounted a milk crate on the back, and strapped a gallon gas can in it, said he could make the 60 miles to Bismarck, and about 20 miles back before she ran out of gas! Dump his can of gas in, fire it off, and come on home.
> 
> Would never think it looking at him, or talking to him, but he was and probably still is, an amazing carpenter. Built one of the most beautiful decks I've ever seen on a local farmer's house, had materials dropped, and he carried everything he used to build it in that milk crate.



In PA, you are not allowed to operate any motorized item for transport of self after getting a DUI. A few years back they jailed a guy ( in his late 70's) for driving his Farmal to a meeting. He complained he had no other way. His pets died because he had no family. ASPA went after him and fined him, while in jail, placed a lean against the house and it got worse. Sometimes life sucks...


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## Mr. Peet

Tony said:


> They are both fun to ride until your friends see you.



Why do you let your friends watch? That is kind of wrong in its own way.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## rocky1

T. Ben said:


> You’ve mentioned living in ND a few times now,where in ND did you live? And why would you leave for the god forsaken state of Florida? Both of my parents are from ND,zap and Linton.



I was actually not to far from Zap! Never zipped there, but I been by it a bunch of times. Been through Linton several times too. Spent 25 years as a full time ND resident, and 6- 7 summers before and 15 summers after traveling back and forth. I was up in Turtle Lake.

As for why... I was born and raised here in Florida Troy. Live 3 miles up the road from where I grew up, 2 miles north of my folks new house, business is still in the same location it's been since 1945 I think it was, and Dad bought it in 1968. I fell in love with a ND gal traveling back and forth with the bees, moved up there, married her, quit traveling back and forth. Eventually fell out of love with her, unmarried her after 18 years, got back in the bee business, started traveling back and forth again, wound up married to an old girlfriend's little sister down here. Seems she had a crush on me way back when, she was plumb cute back in those days, but her daddy was big and mean, and she's 5 years younger than I am, so...

Traveled for a few after years after getting married, she went back and forth with me, then her mom's health started deteriorating, so she stayed home a few years tending to her mom, while I went to ND for half the year. Simply got to be too much. Neither of our parents are getting younger, Dad had some issues with his health, and I am about the only one of the kids that can put up Dad on the business end of things. We have a simple agreement, he tells me what to do, I do what needs doing my way, he goes off and fusses and grumbles because I didn't do it his way, but he leaves me alone about it so he doesn't piss me off. After the fact he goes and looks and decides what I did worked fine. So we get along OK in that fashion.

I'm way out in the sticks in North Florida, it's changed over time, but not really. I seldom see the idiocy Florida as a whole has become!

Reactions: Like 2 | Sincere 1


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## Lou Currier

@rocky1 i wasn’t really referring to the moped

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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7


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## T. Ben

rocky1 said:


> I was actually not to far from Zap! Never zipped there, but I been by it a bunch of times. Been through Linton several times too. Spent 25 years as a full time ND resident, and 6- 7 summers before and 15 summers after traveling back and forth. I was up in Turtle Lake.
> 
> As for why... I was born and raised here in Florida Troy. Live 3 miles up the road from where I grew up, 2 miles north of my folks new house, business is still in the same location it's been since 1945 I think it was, and Dad bought it in 1968. I fell in love with a ND gal traveling back and forth with the bees, moved up there, married her, quit traveling back and forth. Eventually fell out of love with her, unmarried her after 18 years, got back in the bee business, started traveling back and forth again, wound up married to an old girlfriend's little sister down here. Seems she had a crush on me way back when, she was plumb cute back in those days, but her daddy was big and mean, and she's 5 years younger than I am, so...
> 
> Traveled for a few after years after getting married, she went back and forth with me, then her mom's health started deteriorating, so she stayed home a few years tending to her mom, while I went to ND for half the year. Simply got to be too much. Neither of our parents are getting younger, Dad had some issues with his health, and I am about the only one of the kids that can put up Dad on the business end of things. We have a simple agreement, he tells me what to do, I do what needs doing my way, he goes off and fusses and grumbles because I didn't do it his way, but he leaves me alone about it so he doesn't piss me off. After the fact he goes and looks and decides what I did worked fine. So we get along OK in that fashion.
> 
> I'm way out in the sticks in North Florida, it's changed over time, but not really. I seldom see the idiocy Florida as a whole has become!


Well that explains it,my family has our reunion in zap every couple years,and i absolutely love that side of ND. I’ve been to Florida once for about a week,didn’t care for it. Thanks for explaining.


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## rocky1

The moped was the better looking of the things that gentleman rode Lou, believe me!

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## woodman6415

This is what happens when you take @Tony shopping

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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier

You can’t take @Tony anywhere

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## woodman6415

Lou Currier said:


> You can’t take @Tony anywhere


Not telling me anything I don’t know


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## Lou Currier



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 166713



How ironic  I know someone who actually did that


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## Clay3063

rocky1 said:


> I've often wondered if some law enforcement officers don't do that drive around slow routine just to see how many cars are afraid to pass them.


I used to ride with my little brother. Believe me, more than not. More than not. Jerks! LOL!

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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## woodman6415

For all my Polish friends:

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"



The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."



The guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"



The clerk replied, "Because you're in Ace Hardware."

Reactions: Funny 11


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 166796



That’s not big enough!

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## Eric Rorabaugh

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 166796


I don't know about for spiders but I don't see anything wrong with that. One can never be too safe or unprepared!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 11


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## Clay3063

Tony said:


> Took me about 30 seconds.....


HA!!! I did it in 29 seconds! LOL!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Clay3063

Mr. Peet said:


> In PA, you are not allowed to operate any motorized item for transport of self after getting a DUI. A few years back they jailed a guy ( in his late 70's) for driving his Farmal to a meeting. He complained he had no other way. His pets died because he had no family. ASPA went after him and fined him, while in jail, placed a lean against the house and it got worse. Sometimes life sucks...


Yeh. It's not life that sucks... it's the idiots that create all these bureaucracies that make life harder than it has to be. We see things like this every week; folks that can't get a leg up without someone kicking the other out from under them.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Mike Hill

Three guys go on a hunting trip, a Texan, a Californian and a New Yorker. That first night they were sitting around a nice campfire. The New Yorker reaches into his custom tooled leather saddlebag, pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels, tears the seal and takes one healthy swallow. He throws the rest of the bottle in the air grabs his gun and BAM. Turns around and says, “Hey, in New York, we got more whiskey than we know what to do with.”

The Californian then reaches into his Nike designer backpack, pulls out a bottle of red wine, pulls the cork, and takes a swallow. He also throws the bottle into the air and shoots it. Then he says “In California we have more wine than we know what to do with.”

The crusty old Texan reaches into his Styrofoam cooler, pulls out a beer, pops the tab and drinks the whole thing down in one pass. He then puts the can down, grabs his gun and shoots the other two guys. After one hearty belch, he says “In Texas we got more Yankees and Californians than we know what to do with.”

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 8 | Sincere 1


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## Tony




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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 7 | Sincere 1


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## Lou Currier

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier

I’ll just leave this here

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## ripjack13

BRILLIANT!!

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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## rocky1

Saw one looked about like that years ago in ND. Government vehicle, working on water bank acreage. Pulled up in tall grass and parked with hot catalytic converter, got on dozer and drove off, full 250 gallon fuel tank in the back of the truck. It wasn't aluminum and it melted almost that bad.


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## Tony

rocky1 said:


> Saw one looked about like that years ago in ND. Government vehicle, working on water bank acreage. Pulled up in tall grass and parked with hot catalytic converter, got on dozer and drove off, full 250 gallon fuel tank in the back of the truck. It wasn't aluminum and it melted almost that bad.



No, that was Kevin's van you're thinking of.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## rocky1

No Kevin's van didn't look as bad as that pickup. Mid 80s Ford, got so hot the cab drooped down where the seat used too be. Alternator, AC compressor, condenser, radiator were little silver puddles on the ground under the truck. Fenders, sides of the box were curled in, hood sagged to top of the block. Intake was still there, carburator ran down in it. Springs weren't springy anymore, frame was sitting on the axles, front and rear. She was flat on the ground!

He'd just topped the gas tank off in town, on top of the 250 gallons of fuel in the back, to boot. She got seriously HOT!

Water bank and CRP was waist deep, pretty stiff breeze. He was trying to plow it out, neighbor shorted solenoid on another dozer sitting there and was plowing fire breaks as well, another came with big 4 wheel drive Deere and 40 ft. harrows. I made 4 trips to town with the tanker, 3 brush fighters, two big trucks. And we still lost over 600 acres before we got it out. But we stopped it!!

Reactions: Like 3


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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Mike1950

He nailed that landing

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## Lou Currier



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## ripjack13

For @rocky1 and @CWS ....

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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## Herb G.

3 guys are driving thru the desert when their car breaks down.
They get out, and the 1st guy snaps the mirror off the door.
2nd guy grabs a hubcap.
3rd guy rips the door off.

1st guy says "I got the mirror so if we see a plane, we can signal him."
2nd guy says "I got the hubcap so if we find water, we have something to catch it in."
3rd guy says "I got the door, so when it gets hot, I can roll the window down."

Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 7


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## T. Ben

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 167802


I resemble that joke!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## rocky1

Not me... I'd have had to turn around about 30 seconds into that.

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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 4


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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4 | +Karma 1


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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 10


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 9 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## Lou Currier



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## Mike Hill

I don't understand?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## drycreek

If you eat that bowl of beans and boiled eggs you will need no explanation.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## Sprung



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Brink



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## Lou Currier



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## Tony

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 168003



Had a similar experience awhile back. Had a customer who wanted names lasered into some cutting board faces to give their customers as gifts so I had a third party laser a couple boards to see how it turned out. They lasered the bottom of the boards. Needless to say that was the end of that relationship.

Reactions: Like 1


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## rocky1

I have come to the conclusion that Microsoft Windows and my wife are somehow related! When I picked my laptop up this morning it said Windows was going to cease support for my version of Windows 10, and I needed to update/upgrade to a newer version of 10. I clicked the link and it started updating/upgrading, popped up the little spinning wheel and a message saying "this may take a while"... 5 1/2 hours later it's still struggling to change pages and start up applications. It's an awful lot like going out for supper with my wife.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mr. Peet

Tony said:


> Had a similar experience awhile back. Had a customer who wanted names lasered into some cutting board faces to give their customers as gifts so I had a third party laser a couple boards to see how it turned out. They lasered the bottom of the boards. Needless to say that was the end of that relationship.



Strange, the bottom makes the most sense if they are to be actually used (that is if boards are cutting boards). Now as a decoration / advertisement likely an issue...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tony

Mr. Peet said:


> Strange, the bottom makes the most sense if they are to be actually used (that is if boards are cutting boards). Now as a decoration / advertisement likely an issue...



It might make more sense but that's not what I told them to do.

Reactions: Like 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 11


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## SENC



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie the score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13

woodman6415 said:


> Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got and accidentally poops in the bed.
> The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
> The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Mr. Peet

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 168215



I disagree, that is just a normal thing for anyone living in the country. However, most ladies will withhold such actions, however some don't, but often use another tree.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Wildthings

Mr. Peet said:


> I disagree, that is just a normal thing for anyone living in the country. However, most ladies will withhold such actions, however some don't, but often use another tree.


There was a Dance hall/Bar I went to outside London, TX many moons ago while deer hunting. Both the Men's and Women's doors to the restroom opened up to the outside behind the place. Now that was hilarious.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5


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## SubVet10

An old couple was celebrating their 50th anniv. The man commented that when he was 23 he had a twin bed, tiny apartment, no car, and a 10" black and white tv - what they the heck he was laying next to a gorgeous woman every night. Now he has a $750K house, 40K car and a giant big screen tv. 
The lady replied that if he finds another 23 year old she will make sure he has a twin bed, tiny apartment, no car, and a 10" black and white tv

Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415

Guess which one is @Tony ?

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## rocky1

Is it just me, or did anyone else happen to notice it's the short guy bein the clown?!

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## Mr. Peet

woodman6415 said:


> Guess which one is @Tony ?
> 
> View attachment 168344



The one on the far right....


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## William Tanner

Quote of the day

“Books have pictures so you know the book isn’t upside down.”

Blue Bell

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2


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## Bigdrowdy1



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 15


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## ripjack13

Bigdrowdy1 said:


>



Great job Rodney!! What kind of finish did you use?

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## SENC



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 5 | +Karma 1


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## JR Parks

Bigdrowdy1 said:


>



It looks just like the real pallets you get behind Home Depot . Amazing!

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## Bigdrowdy1

ripjack13 said:


> Great job Rodney!! What kind of finish did you use?



No finish! I was going for the realistic look as much as possible

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## Mr. Peet

Bigdrowdy1 said:


>



You need a blue lighter by it to give us a size perspective....

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Mike Mills

I think the Crafsman like both Starwars and Freds.

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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## SENC



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## SENC

@Mike1950, did you read hieroglyphics on the cave wall?

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## JR Parks

And read them more than once!

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## ripjack13

SENC said:


> @Mike1950, did you read hieroglyphics on the cave wall?



Didn't he invent them?

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## Tony




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## Lou Currier



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## wombat



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## wombat



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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## Mike1950



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## Lou Currier



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## rocky1



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## rocky1




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## JR Parks

She is precious! Thanks Rocky


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## rocky1

Sunday morning a Lutheran Minister in Southwest Minnesota decided to do something a little different. 

He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. 
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind -- 

The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.' 

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.' 

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.' 

The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.' 

The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence. 

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. 

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, an old wood dealer visiting from Washington State, stood up and began to sing 
'MEMORIES.'

Reactions: Funny 11


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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier

@rocky1 Was that @Mike1950

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## Mike1950

rocky1 said:


> Sunday morning a Lutheran Minister in Southwest Minnesota decided to do something a little different.
> 
> He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
> Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind --
> 
> The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'
> 
> Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'
> 
> The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'
> 
> The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'
> 
> The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.
> 
> Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
> 
> Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, an old wood dealer visiting from Washington State, stood up and began to sing
> 'MEMORIES.'



GRRRRRRR

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## SENC



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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



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## Mike1950

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas
Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like
hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're
coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way."

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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Nubsnstubs

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 169080


Wow, that certainly looks like one of our club members here in Tucson. He does mostly pens..

@Azturnings, doesn't that look a lot like Mike P, one of Randy's employees. ............. Jerry (in Tucson)


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## Lou Currier

For @Eric Rorabaugh

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



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## rocky1

Lou Currier said:


> For @Eric Rorabaugh
> 
> View attachment 169120




You know, I realize you law enforcement fellers ain't necessarily supposed to exhibit a sense of humor, but that sh1t right there could be funny!! And, could earn you a reputation as THE coolest game warden on the planet, at the local waterin hole.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Mr. Peet

https://nam02.safelinks.protection....Ux1UACbdyhzamwO3hWmFxyJRkBXgfN0wA=&reserved=0

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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Mr. Peet

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 169410



You know Lou, its not as funny when the person wearing them, actually fills the pants in such a manner...

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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## rocky1

Damn looks like some of my employees!

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## Mr. Peet

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 169501



Damn, that blows...

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## TimR

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 168988


That’s just wrong!

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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 11 | +Karma 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Lou, there you go again... bragging about all the sex you're getting.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6 | +Karma 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 11


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## TimR



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## TimR

This is too good. Betting we all have someone like this in the family or that we know...
Granny won’t take the ticket

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## rocky1

I bet she'll take the ticket next time!

Reactions: Agree 4


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## T. Ben

TimR said:


> This is too good. Betting we all have someone like this in the family or that we know...
> Granny won’t take the ticket


If people would just comply with the commands there wouldn’t be half the trouble/problems as there is.

Reactions: Agree 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Great Post 2 | Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Lou Currier



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## Mr. Peet

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 170057



I guess those Paulownia trees are both invasive and destructive...


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## wombat



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 9


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier

I don’t know how good they will taste

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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## ripjack13

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 170371



It may not be a drill, but it certainly looks like theres a Predator there next to it....

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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Mr. Peet

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 170492



Dad used to say, "Man only spends so many nights in the doghouse before ending up in the cat house".

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5 | +Karma 1 | Useful 1


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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Spinartist

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 170510




@Tony looks like you're qualified for this job

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## woodman6415

Spinartist said:


> @Tony looks like you're qualified for this job


They don’t let midget criminals become highway patrol...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Tony

Spinartist said:


> @Tony looks like you're qualified for this job



Where the hell have you been Lee?? Great to see you man!!!!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 170539



My first truck was a 1975 International Harvester with split rims. Some shops had cages for the guys to be in when they aired up the tires. Sometimes they made me air them myself. I would lie on the floor and push the foot petal with my hand. Those things can kill you!


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## JR Parks

Saw a guys lose the tip of his finger in the army because he was holding onto the cage when the rim blew. No cage would have meant no guy!

Reactions: Sincere 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier

Tony said:


> Where the hell have you been Lee?? Great to see you man!!!!



Who is Lee

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## rocky1

You know... that skinny guy what used to turn wood down there on the south end of the state somewhere.

Reactions: Funny 3 | +Karma 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 170573


 
As General Honoré, in New Orleans after Katrina, told a reporter not to get "stuck on stupid." Unfortunately many people are.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 7 | Informative 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 5


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## Lou Currier

D

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## Lou Currier



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## wombat



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6 | +Karma 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4 | Sincere 1


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## Lou Currier

@rocky1

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## Lou Currier



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## T. Ben

D

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## rocky1

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 170662



Is that Orlando, or Winter Garden?

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## rocky1



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## Lou Currier

That is hilarious


----------



## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9 | Way Cool 1


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## Herb G.

What's the last thing that goes thru a deer's mind when you hit one with your car?


His butt hole.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## FranklinWorkshops

rocky1 said:


> View attachment 170952


I was at a Wendy's recently and used a 50 cent piece as part of the payment. The young woman stared at it and called the manager over. "Do we take these?" she asked. Manager replied, "Of course. It's a 50 cent piece." But the clerk continued to stare at it until I told her it was the equivalent of two quarters. Then her light bulb came on and she knew how to count it, but still got my change wrong.

It I'd used one of my $2 dollar bills, it would have taken much longer. And that, my friends, is the state of eduction in the USA these days.

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## rocky1

FranklinWorkshops said:


> I was at a Wendy's recently and used a 50 cent piece as part of the payment. The young woman stared at it and called the manager over. "Do we take these?" she asked. Manager replied, "Of course. It's a 50 cent piece." But the clerk continued to stare at it until I told her it was the equivalent of two quarters. Then her light bulb came on and she knew how to count it, but still got my change wrong.
> 
> It I'd used one of my $2 dollar bills, it would have taken much longer. And that, my friends, is the state of eduction in the USA these days.



Oh yeah... Been there, done that!! Did it in Hardees one time. Ordered a breakfast biscuit and a cup of coffee, or something, bill was $5.46 and I handed Latisha a 10 and a 1 so I could get a 5 back, rather than a pocket full of change. Except Latisha rang it up as a 5 and a 1. She could not figure out what my change might be, and being new to the operation of the cash register, could not figure out how to correct the error. I was trying to explain it to her, but she of course was in charge of the cash register, an I wuz jus orderin bizkits. So she retrieved the shift manager, who upon seeing what she had done, not being able to back the error out cause Latisha had done been pushin all sorts of buttons, and not having her trusty pocket calculator, whipped out her pencil and a napkin and proceeded to do the math and determined that I needed $5 more than what the cash register told her I did. Her mathematical prowess was so damned impressive, that I was in awe, and had to shake my head for several blocks and take a deep breath or two before commencing to consume my biscuit!


On the flip side of that, I saw a guy bring a bag of birdseed back at Tractor Supply because it was moldy. There was 1 cent difference in the price of the old bag and the new bag, and the cash register would not allow the gal checking us out to simply give him a penny back, because he had purchased the original item with his credit card. Once she entered the transaction, it locked her register up demanding the card used in the original purchase to refund the 1 cent to. She said she'd give him the penny out of her pocket if she could, but when she scanned the second bag, it locked her register up, and wouldn't let her clear the transaction, her register was locked down until she credited the penny back to his card.

He was apologizing, she was apologizing, I was laughing my butt off. Told them, "Oh NO!! No apologies necessary! I'd have paid admission to watch this bat guana!"

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Nubsnstubs

FranklinWorkshops said:


> I was at a Wendy's recently and used a 50 cent piece as part of the payment. The young woman stared at it and called the manager over. "Do we take these?" she asked. Manager replied, "Of course. It's a 50 cent piece." But the clerk continued to stare at it until I told her it was the equivalent of two quarters. Then her light bulb came on and she knew how to count it, but still got my change wrong.
> 
> It I'd used one of my $2 dollar bills, it would have taken much longer. And that, my friends, is the state of eduction in the USA these days.


Larry, I have no reason to doubt your story, but if it's true, you were the loser on this deal. 

A couple years ago, I went into a Circle K near the house for a Polar Pop. It was 93 cents. All I had was a five dollar bill, so gave it to the cashier. I see her getting some of the change from a different location in the drawer. It consisted of 3 half dollars, two one dollar bills, and 57 cents of normal change. One of the 50 cent pieces was a Benjamin Franklin, and the other two were Kennedy's. I went online just for grins, and found the Franklin coin was low valued at 13-14 dollars, but about double for one in mint condition, which this one mas about halfway on the condition. The two Kennedy's were valued at $7+ for the two. I made out like a bandit on that one, but wondered who's grandpa around my neighborhood lost their coin collection.... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 1 | +Karma 2


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## FranklinWorkshops

I'm a coin collector Jerry and was spending excess clad Kennedy's from the 1970s. I have hundreds of Franklins and Kennedy's prior to 1964 waiting for the next $28 dollar silver market price. My father was also a collector who started accumulating silver coins during the early 1950s. He was a hoarder of many things, especially silver coins.

Reactions: Way Cool 3 | Useful 1


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## Nubsnstubs

FranklinWorkshops said:


> I'm a coin collector Jerry and was spending excess clad Kennedy's from the 1970s. I have hundreds of Franklins and Kennedy's prior to 1964 waiting for the next $28 dollar silver market price. My father was also a collector who started accumulating silver coins during the early 1950s. He was a hoarder of many things, especially silver coins.



Larry, the Kennedy's from 65-69 are what I had, worth about 3.-4 dollars each. They were clads. The day I arrived in Fort Polk, Louisiana was 11/11/64. We were advanced 10 dollars from our monthly so we could get soap, shaving cream, whatever. Any way, part of that 10 dollars was 2 1964 Kennedy halves. I played poker with some of the money, but at the end of the day, I had 6 of them, plus my 10 bucks. I treasured those 6 coins until two from about 2 months from rotating home. Below is a long winded Rocky approved story. How about it, @Rocky?
When I was in the Army back in 65-67 in Germany, getting real old US silver coins was real easy. I started collecting any silver coin I could get my hands on. Then about August, 1967, the battalion went to Grafenwohr? to build and maintain some tank roads. One fricking idiot was sick when we left, so he stayed at the infirmary and barracks until he was well enough to travel to meet up with us. When we got back Hielbron, most of the company, about 120 GI's discovered their lockers had been broken into by this guy. It wasn't a guess. The guy was so stupid he stole civilian shirts and pants that had gone through the quartermaster laundry. Any vet will verify that when you send clothes out for laundry, the QM laundry irons a tag with the last 4 of our serial numbers onto the article of clothing. This idiot didn't have the common sense to remove the tags. We had proof without even looking very hard. Besides taking clothes, I had at least a hundred dollars of silver coins of all types, including several WW2 pfennig coins with a swastika on them. He also took shaving gear, socks, even underwear, and other personal items from just about the whole company that resided in the barracks. That idiot for some reason could never go down the stairs without tumbling down and I had the extreme pleasure of escorting him the the stockade in Manhiem with M14 in hand, locked and loaded 20 round magazine, with orders to shoot if he tried to escape. I don't think I could have done it, but?????.

If I had come home with those coins, I might have endeavored to get up a good sized and valued collection, but that incident put the brakes on coin collecting for me. I do save coins, but don't go out of my way to collect them........ When needed for a rainy day, I just might be able to buy a burger or two.......... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Great Post 2


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## FranklinWorkshops

Here is a coin valuing site that is updated daily. It is used by many dealers in gold and silver to determine metal value in each coin. Up thru 1964, Kennedy halves were 90% silver. From 1965 to 70, they were 40% and after that they had no silver content. It's a great site. Take a look. http://www.coinflation.com/silver_coin_values.html


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## Mike Hill

IT's been cool - almost fallish the last couple of mornings. The reality of that caused me pause and I momentarily reflected upon the meaning of life, and felt sad looking over my garden - knowing that all the flowers that brighten my life will soon be gone!!

Except

for all the blooming idiots!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## FranklinWorkshops

Mike Hill said:


> IT's been cool - almost fallish the last couple of mornings. The reality of that caused me pause and I momentarily reflected upon the meaning of life, and felt sad looking over my garden - knowing that all the flowers that brighten my life will soon be gone!!
> 
> Except
> 
> for all the blooming idiots!


Mike, you're probably the only person I know whose life is brightened by blooming idiots. I'm speechless, well almost.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## rocky1

Mike Hill said:


> IT's been cool - almost fallish the last couple of mornings. The reality of that caused me pause and I momentarily reflected upon the meaning of life, and felt sad looking over my garden - knowing that all the flowers that brighten my life will soon be gone!!
> 
> Except
> 
> for all the blooming idiots!




Well those are everywhere. One need only watch the evening news, or go to your nearest government office to see them. Don't have to go way up the ladder, they're just bigger flowers there. You can find a bunch of them even in your small town, and county offices in my experience. 

For instance, when my sister was having her modular home set, my father was helping her with all the permitting and such. Had to drive 15 miles to town, to carry the plans 30 feet down the hall, from one office to the other for the assorted necessary permits. Which he said wouldn't have been so ridiculous, but he knew the gal in office one occasionally had to pee, and she had to walk past office 2, to go the ladies room. Then although he wrote the check for the permit, they wouldn't give it to him, because it was in my sister's name. She had to take off work, drive to the courthouse, and pick the permit up. Which she then handed to him, and he said he turned around and flipped the gal behind the desk off, and walked out with it!

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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Nubsnstubs

Back on January 9th, a group of HELL'S ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says

"Hey Baby . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked,

"Well, before you jump, Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . .and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Nubsnstubs



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## Brink

For @Mike1950

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## Tony




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## Mike1950

Brink said:


> For @Mike1950
> 
> View attachment 171332


Grrrrr

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## Brink

Mike1950 said:


> Grrrrr



Ah, yes...before there was a spoken language.

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## Mike1950

Brink said:


> Ah, yes...before there was a spoken language.



Yes we used sign language

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## woodman6415



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## Spinartist

My buddy Herbie said his wife was giving him grief for weight gain on his stomach so he replied,
" I don't say anything to you about your fat butt do I?"

Funeral Tuesday @ 2:30 pm

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## woodman6415



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## Mike1950

the world we live in....................

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## Nubsnstubs

Mike1950 said:


> the world we live in....................
> 
> View attachment 171452


I don't see too much humor in that. From what I've seen, it looks more like reality.....we should be crying instead of laughing. ..... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Mike1950

Nubsnstubs said:


> I don't see too much humor in that. From what I've seen, it looks more like reality.....we should be crying instead of laughing. ..... Jerry (in Tucson)


We agree- not easy to understand...... the changes.

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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## rocky1



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Herb G.

@Lou Currier , beer does indeed perform miracles. I used to have a neighbor who couldn't walk without a cane.
On the first of the month, when the disability checks came in, he'd go out to his car & drive off to the local liquor store.
He would buy 30 cases of Red, White & Blue beer for $2.99 a case. Super-duper cheap beer.
He'd come home & carry every case in his house with no cane at all.

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## Mike1950

This would be funnier if not true

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## woodman6415



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## SENC



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## Nubsnstubs

I got this off one of my Right Wing Racists sites I frequent. I believe this could be considered a joke...... 



*I read somewhere that a woman texted to her friend "I made some synonym doughnuts today. The guy replied "The kind your grammar used to make?"*

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## Herb G.

I can't remember if I posted this before, so here goes.
An old man was in the check out line at the grocery store & had to write a check.
There was a 450 lb. woman behind him in line.
He asked her if she had a pen.

She said "I sure do".
He said, "You better get back to it before the farmer finds out you're gone."

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## Nubsnstubs

Herb G. said:


> I can't remember if I posted this before, so here goes.
> An old man was in the check out line at the grocery store & had to write a check.
> There was a 450 lb. woman behind him in line.
> He asked her if she had a pen.
> 
> She said "I sure do".
> He said, "You better get back to it before the farmer finds out you're gone."





That's a knee slapper, Herb. ............ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## kweinert

She offered her honor
He honored her offer
All night long it was offer and honor

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## kweinert

Confession

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 21 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!"

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## Mike1950

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 171672 View attachment 171673


In 96 I flew into boston- ended up with a POC Izuzu trooper. all day in plane- they were digging up streets in Boston- I was tired and late by the time I got to hotel. Parked in parking garage. Noted security camera right in front of me in garage- better be one -cost $30 for the night. also right next to me was a 97 mustang decked out conv. -sticker in window from New York. I was thinking- that is what I should have rented. This was after 10 at night. got up early to beat traffic- 4:30 . The stang was on blocks- not tires -top cut- no seats- no stereo-no transmission..... drove out with a smile- never touched POS.....

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## woodman6415

I think @Tony is lost

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## Tony



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## Mike Hill

In going through some boxes, I found a couple of books about antique miniature furniture I had bought in years past. My plan was to retire and build miniature furniture for sale. Might still be part of retirement. But I got to thinking that I did not have any miniature lumber to make the miniature furniture. My question, is there a special place to buy miniature lumber, or do I need to contact a Bonsai grower?

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## Bigdrowdy1

Mike Hill said:


> In going through some boxes, I found a couple of books about antique miniature furniture I had bought in years past. My plan was to retire and build miniature furniture for sale. Might still be part of retirement. But I got to thinking that I did not have any miniature lumber to make the miniature furniture. My question, is there a special place to buy miniature lumber, or do I need to contact a Bonsai grower?



Get ahold of @Tony he probably has the size your looking for

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## woodman6415



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## Mike Hill

Bigdrowdy1 said:


> Get ahold of @Tony he probably has the size your looking for


Rimshot time!

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## Tony

Bigdrowdy1 said:


> Get ahold of @Tony he probably has the size your looking for



I've got the lumber for you @Mike Hill

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## Lou Currier



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## Tony



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Tony

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 171886



I'm moving in!

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## woodman6415



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## Tony



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## ripjack13

Tony said:


> View attachment 171836



Those catch-and-release fisherman on TV don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make the fish late for something. 

***"Where the hell you been?"

**"Sorry, I got caught."

***"Liar. Let me see the inside of your lips."

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## Wildthings

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 171888


I love it!! We are going to a Church Home meeting tomorrow night and suppose to bring finger food. Hmmmmmm

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## Nubsnstubs

Wildthings said:


> I love it!! We are going to a Church Home meeting tomorrow night and suppose to bring finger food. Hmmmmmm



During the last actual job I had, my crew decided we needed to have a potluck party. It took me about 2 seconds to figure out what I would bring, but took about 4 days to find all the ingredients needed. After finding the last ingredient, I waited for the day of the party, then cooked up the tiny fingerling? sausages in an edible tomato sauce concoction. I then started inserting the plastic fingernails that took 4 days to find. There were about a dozen of them. I laid them out carefully where a couple were exposed, and some were a surprise as someone pulled a sausage out of the bowl. 
Can you imagine the disgust that some of the crew expressed? I thought I was surrounded by a bunch of wu**ie* the way they acted. I thought it was a hilarious gesture after all the times they made comments about my poor abused hands. ................. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike1950

PARKING TICKET: My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with Bernie Sanders stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!!

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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## ripjack13

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 171971


As funny as that it is, it's disgusting to think some douchbag actually did that to their poor dog.

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## woodman6415

ripjack13 said:


> As funny as that it is, it's disgusting to think some douchbag actually did that to their poor dog.


Very true ... sick subhumans in this world

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## Mr. Peet

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 171990



Well, how many?

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## woodman6415

Mr. Peet said:


> Well, how many?


I would say 1 and leave it at that .., 
No woman changes light bulbs in my house .. never have .. never will as long as I’m chief maintenance man

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1 | Agree 1 | +Karma 1


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## ripjack13

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mr. Peet

ripjack13 said:


> I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.



Don't worry, You will survive...

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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Tony



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## Spinartist

Tony said:


> View attachment 172039

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## Tony

Spinartist said:


>



Texas sized mums for Homecoming is just a tradition here.

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## Mike Hill

Tony said:


> Texas sized mums for Homecoming is just a tradition here.


I think I may still be making payments on some I bought earlier in life!

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## Mr. Peet

Tony said:


> View attachment 172039



Hope that dog doesn't fall out...


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## woodman6415



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## Tony



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## TimR

My wife was looking for little “onesy” outfits for newest niece...

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## SENC



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier



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## Bigdrowdy1

Holly flopping carrot Batman he is going to break his root if he falls down

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## Pharmacyguy-Jim

The difference between erotic and kinky? 
Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky involves the whole chicken.

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## Pharmacyguy-Jim

Bigdrowdy1 said:


> Holly flopping carrot Batman he is going to break his root if he falls down


And you KNOW if we noticed it the kids sure as heck have!

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## woodman6415



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## woodman6415



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## Pharmacyguy-Jim

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 172150


We was just playin’

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## Tony



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## Mike Hill

You know you are from Nashville when:





__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=395511531147679


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## Eric Rorabaugh

IDIOTS!!!

Reactions: Agree 4


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## Mike Hill



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## ripjack13

Mike Hill said:


> You know you are from Nashville when:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> __ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=395511531147679


Too bad the train didn't smack her off it....

Reactions: Agree 1


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## ripjack13

Bigdrowdy1 said:


> Holly flopping carrot Batman he is going to break his root if he falls down



Would that be considered "snappin the carrot"?


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

EGADS!!! me thinks we have an epidemic! I wish this were a joke! This guy and his "wife" who was driving were arrested. He is out on bond, but he did not bond out his "wife" - man that is a loving relationship!


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## Bigdrowdy1

Looking at his wife no wonder he is on the outside and didn’t bail her out? She looks green like possessed by a demon of sorts!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Lou Currier

One for the doc @DKMD

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Well....

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## Lou Currier

Ouch

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## woodman6415



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## Mr. Peet

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 172326



Going that way will require a floor drain and so much more for over-spray and cleanup. A grinder pump in the shower is an alternative.

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## woodman6415

Looks a lot like @Tony to me

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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier




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## rocky1

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 172352



Would be funny but I taught college classes for a few years, and there very well may not have been humor implied there. Had several that their work scored 4th - 5th grade grammar in Word. And, they were going to school to be professional website designers... Exactly the image you want your business to project, not?

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## woodman6415



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## Lou Currier




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## Spinartist

Neener, neener, neener..
My awesome girlfriend (yes the one who keeps me too occupied to come on WB) and her box of turning wood she keeps in her van!!
She has her own shop full of woodworking machinery.
You Wood Barter gents be jealous!!! Yes for me!!!!

Reactions: Like 3 | Way Cool 2


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Well, she isn't a figment of your imagination!!!!!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mr. Peet

Spinartist said:


> Neener, neener, neener..
> My awesome girlfriend (yes the one who keeps me too occupied to come on WB) and her box of turning wood she keeps in her van!!
> She has her own shop full of woodworking machinery.
> You Wood Barter gents be jealous!!! Yes for me!!!!
> 
> View attachment 172427



Can't blame you one bit....

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## rocky1

So introduce her to Wood Barter already!

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## Spinartist

rocky1 said:


> So introduce her to Wood Barter already!




She will sign up soon. She looks at it with me

Reactions: Like 2 | Sincere 1


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## Sprung



Reactions: Funny 7 | Useful 1


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## rocky1

Just sneak it into the shop and hide it for a few weeks of things getting dusty, then tell her you bought it years ago! 

I'm really beginning to dislike CPO Outlets ! 

They keep having these sales on Dewalt cordless tools, that are just really hard to pass up!! Yesterday morning the BIG impact wrench was on sale, still is until midnight 10/3 if you need one. Bare tool, but I already have 5 batteries and 2 chargers, so I really didn't need the kit. Bare tool normally sells for $180, was on sale for $120. Kit sells for $350 - $400. Yeah, it's headed this way!!

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 1 | +Karma 1


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## Nubsnstubs

Like a dummy, I clicked on the link. Here is what I found. 
https://www.cpooutlets.com/on/deman...ow?dq=wood turning chuck&q=wood turning chuck

It's pretty good prices for for Nova Chucks.......... Jerry (in Tucson)


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## rocky1

Oh yeah... sign up for their mailing list. They'll send you notices and tempt you on a daily basis with all the goodies on sale. 

Then they have special promotional offers too boot. That one caused me to buy the DeWalt Cordless Jigsaw, it was on sale, with promotional offer. I already had 2 chargers and 4 batteries, so I didn't need the kit, but tool at $135 and free 2.5 amp hour battery with purchase, I said, "Gotta have it!" Nice jigsaw, well built, only complaint would be it's really heavy as far as jig saws go. But, heft in a tool is usually a good thing.

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## Lou Currier



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## Lou Currier



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Lou Currier



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## kweinert



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## Nubsnstubs

kweinert said:


> View attachment 172718


I don't know how many times I've heard this, but seeing it is even funnier....... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Herb G.

I was on a job site, and this kid was swinging on a rope hung from the ceiling.
He was swinging back & forth yelling "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier."
The boss came up & saw him doing this & told him to get off the swing & go back to work or else.
The boss said he'd fire the kid if he caught him doing it again.
Sure enough, an hour later, the boss comes back & sees the kid swinging back & forth saying
"I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier."

So the boss fired him on the spot.
As the kid is walking out, the other guys start packing up their tools for the day.
The boss asks them why they are packing up & one guy says 
"You don't expect us to work without any light, do you?"

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## ripjack13

I found @Wildthings latest creation....

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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13

@Kenbo

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## ripjack13

@DKMD

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## Nubsnstubs

ripjack13 said:


> I found @Wildthings latest creation....
> 
> View attachment 172856


I've heard about those. It's a Flying Unicorn Gator Cat. Only found in Florida. ............ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Wildthings

Nubsnstubs said:


> I've heard about those. It's a Flying Unicorn Gator Cat. Only found in Florida. ............ Jerry (in Tucson)


He's right you know!


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## Mike Hill

Heard tell that they become that way by eating royal jelly and propolis. What says Rocky- missing any?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## rocky1

Uhmmm, no. And, never heard tell of such a critter. We got some strange stuff down here, but nothin like that.


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## Wildthings

rocky1 said:


> Uhmmm, no. And, never heard tell of such a critter. We got some strange stuff down here, but nothin like that.


You need to quit working so much and get out more

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## rocky1



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## kweinert



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## Lou Currier

Thinking of @Tony

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## Sprung

Came across this one this morning. I wasn't sure if I should post this here, or in the "How's your day been?" thread.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

A reporter hears of a woman in his town that has the highest welfare payments, and he was curious as to why. So he went to her house to interview her. He got to a little house and after she opens, introduces himself and asks her, "How old are you?"
"27." she said.
"And how many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"Wow, ok that explains a lot." He said, taken aback.
"And what are their names?" he asked.
"Well there's Bob, then there's Bob, and Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, and of course Bob."
"They're ALL named Bob?" he asked, even more bewildered. "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she explained, "I just call 'Bob,' and they all come running inside."
"And if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'Bob, come eat your dinner,' and they do." She answered.
"But what if you want just ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name."

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Hill



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## Nubsnstubs

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare. .............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mike1950

Spinartist said:


> View attachment 173431



and I think this goes perfect with above.....

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## Mike1950



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## Eric Rorabaugh

Mike1950 said:


> and I think this goes perfect with above.....
> 
> View attachment 173728



WTH!!!!!?????


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## Nubsnstubs

Mike1950 said:


> and I think this goes perfect with above.....
> 
> View attachment 173728


The visual gives Chasity belts a whole new meaning. Maybe it's like those things people get for their pooches to keep them from marking territory. ........ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950

Nubsnstubs said:


> The visual gives Chasity belts a whole new meaning. Maybe it's like those things people get for their pooches to keep them from marking territory. ........ Jerry (in Tucson)


I think they are for youngsters with over active imaginations.


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## TimR

Where da puppy?

Reactions: Funny 3 | Informative 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 6


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4 | Informative 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## Wildthings

I don't use zip ties, I use duct tape - easier customizable

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2


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## ripjack13

Tom Smart said:


>



This is why women live longer than men....

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## Brink



Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 4


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## Lou Currier

After 79 beers I wouldn’t be able to do addition or subtraction

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## SENC



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 11


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Great Post 2 | Informative 1 | Sincere 1


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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


>



Well, yes, yes it is...


----------



## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 5 | Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 174229


 Oh my God that is too funny

Reactions: Agree 1


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## kweinert

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 174229



My first thought was that they're bringin' the kids back home after their freshman year and the "freshman 15" that usually happens . . .

Reactions: Funny 2


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## rocky1

That looks more like Sophomore spread there!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Wildthings

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> Oh my God that is too funny


I don't get it!


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## Gdurfey

I just assumed they were going back into MS from Arkansas...……..

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Nubsnstubs

Gdurfey said:


> I just assumed they were going back into MS from Arkansas...……..


Sorry about this Garry, but on my screen, it looks like they are leaving Alabama, going into Mississippi with a final destination of Colorado. Isn't it amazing what one can glean from just one picture? ??? hehehe ... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 15


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## Spinartist

ALL Y'ALL GET READY!!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 7 | Funny 3


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## wombat



Reactions: Funny 9 | Informative 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Spinartist

Picked up a 10 lb medicine ball at a thrift store yesterday. Told my girlfriend it's for keeping my "guns" in shape for her.
She replied "guns"? Those are water pistols!!  What!! "Well baby" I said, "at least they're super soakers!!"

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Lou Currier

Holy crap Lee...looking good! From a purely non-gay point of view

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 2


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8 | Sincere 1


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## ripjack13

Tom Smart said:


>



They're missing helmets!!!

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Mr. Peet

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 174664



Usually they have the extended cab models. So you can recline in the passenger side if needed. In the 90's, I knew of 3 that were intact lifted vehicles, 6-15 feet up, that ran, at least the engine ran to produce heat. One is still in place in central NY along a sled trail (think a 1978 Plymouth, 2 door, long door). 

The picture posted, I assume a rope ladder. I prefer a regular 350lb. rated contractors ladder


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## Nubsnstubs

Hey any mod, can this be put in the jokes. That's where I thought I put, but as you can see, it ain't there............... ............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## drycreek

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase, "You Gotta Be S#ittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. 

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. 

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites. 

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. 

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. 

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. 

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman... 

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there. 

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.' 

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.

We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?' 

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .' 

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be s#ittin me!'

Reactions: Funny 8


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## wombat



Reactions: Funny 9


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Eric Rorabaugh

The only good thing that comes out of Dallas are the cheerleaders!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Nubsnstubs

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ..
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?*
Have a lovely day.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## TXMoon

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests I am pleased to present my annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.


*Is it possible, scientifically speaking, for Santa Claus to exist?*

1) No known species of reindeer can fly; however, there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified. Most of these are insects and germs, but this does not completely rule out the possibility of flying reindeer.

2) There are just over two billion children (defined as persons under the age of 18) in the world. Since Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Santa's work load is reduced by 85%, which means that he has 378,000,000 children to take care of. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91,800,000 homes. For the sake of argument, we will assume that each and every one of those households has at least one good child in it.

3) If Santa makes a list and checks it twice - a list that names each and every one of those 378,000,000 children - and spends only one second on each child, he will spend 24 years just working on the list itself (of course, he could cut this down to just 12 years if he checked the list only ONCE).

4) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to:

a. park the sleigh;
b. locate the right presents for that particular set of children;
c. get the presents off the sleigh;
d. go down the chimney, while carrying the presents;
e. fill the stockings - in the dark;
f. put the presents under the tree - in the dark;
g. eat the cookies and drink the milk;
h. go back up the chimney;
i. get back into the sleigh; and
j. move on to the next house. 

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will assume this), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding reindeer, etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. 
For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second.

5) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. 
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 378,000 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight one conventional reindeer, can pull, at most, 300 pounds; Santa would therefore need 2,520,000 reindeer to pull his sleigh. Assuming that Santa harnessed them two by two, the reindeer would stretch 835 miles in front of the sleigh, and would add some 94,500 tons to the weight of the entire rig. If Santa were parked on a rooftop in Dallas with his rig pointed west, Rudolph would be somewhere in New Mexico. If Santa, seated in his sleigh, shouted, "Rudolph, let's go!" the sound of his voice would take just over an hour to reach the red-nosed reindeer.

6) For the sake of argument lets assume that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, Santa still needs a minimum of 252,000 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 387,450 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. (The ship that is!)

7) 387,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 15 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second each. In short they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, & create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion: without more evidence than what we currently have, we must conclude that Santa Claus does not exist or, if he does, that he is not capable of the Christmas activities that are attributed to him. Frankly, we always suspected that it was our parents putting those toys under the tree.

Some information taken from the scientific journal SPY magazine 
(January, 1990).

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

TXMoon said:


> As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests I am pleased to present my annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
> 
> 
> *Is it possible, scientifically speaking, for Santa Claus to exist?*
> 
> 1) No known species of reindeer can fly; however, there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified. Most of these are insects and germs, but this does not completely rule out the possibility of flying reindeer.
> 
> 2) There are just over two billion children (defined as persons under the age of 18) in the world. Since Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Santa's work load is reduced by 85%, which means that he has 378,000,000 children to take care of. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91,800,000 homes. For the sake of argument, we will assume that each and every one of those households has at least one good child in it.
> 
> 3) If Santa makes a list and checks it twice - a list that names each and every one of those 378,000,000 children - and spends only one second on each child, he will spend 24 years just working on the list itself (of course, he could cut this down to just 12 years if he checked the list only ONCE).
> 
> 4) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to:
> 
> a. park the sleigh;
> b. locate the right presents for that particular set of children;
> c. get the presents off the sleigh;
> d. go down the chimney, while carrying the presents;
> e. fill the stockings - in the dark;
> f. put the presents under the tree - in the dark;
> g. eat the cookies and drink the milk;
> h. go back up the chimney;
> i. get back into the sleigh; and
> j. move on to the next house.
> 
> Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will assume this), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding reindeer, etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound.
> For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second.
> 
> 5) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
> Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 378,000 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight one conventional reindeer, can pull, at most, 300 pounds; Santa would therefore need 2,520,000 reindeer to pull his sleigh. Assuming that Santa harnessed them two by two, the reindeer would stretch 835 miles in front of the sleigh, and would add some 94,500 tons to the weight of the entire rig. If Santa were parked on a rooftop in Dallas with his rig pointed west, Rudolph would be somewhere in New Mexico. If Santa, seated in his sleigh, shouted, "Rudolph, let's go!" the sound of his voice would take just over an hour to reach the red-nosed reindeer.
> 
> 6) For the sake of argument lets assume that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, Santa still needs a minimum of 252,000 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 387,450 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. (The ship that is!)
> 
> 7) 387,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 15 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second each. In short they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, & create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
> 
> In conclusion: without more evidence than what we currently have, we must conclude that Santa Claus does not exist or, if he does, that he is not capable of the Christmas activities that are attributed to him. Frankly, we always suspected that it was our parents putting those toys under the tree.
> 
> Some information taken from the scientific journal SPY magazine
> (January, 1990).


All that popped the bubble I'm living in. And I'm an old Fart that knows better. Think of the children before this spreads about. 
One scientific note touched on but no conclusion, eg; *g. eat the cookies and drink the milk;, *how much Santa would weigh if he ate all those cookies and drank all that milk. Therefore, I say "Hogwash!" to this scientific report, for the sake of the children. .......... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

TXMoon said:


> As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests I am pleased to present my annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
> 
> 
> In conclusion: without more evidence than what we currently have, we must conclude that Santa Claus does not exist or, if he does, that he is not capable of the Christmas activities that are attributed to him. Frankly, we always suspected that it was our parents putting those toys under the tree.
> 
> Some information taken from the scientific journal SPY magazine
> (January, 1990).



And I bet you don't hear the bells ringing either!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 10


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## ripjack13

Mike Hill said:


>



Wor-sestor-shire....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mr. Peet

ripjack13 said:


> Wor-sestor-shire....



@Mike Hill 

Lea & Perrins is just easier to say.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Mr. Peet said:


> @Mike Hill
> 
> Lea & Perrins is just easier to say.



HP! YUM!!


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## kweinert

Stolen from another forum:

These are actual comments made by Georgia State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
⁪
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
...
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
⁪
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)
⁪
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
⁪
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per
second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
⁪
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
⁪
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
⁪
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
⁪
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
⁪
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
⁪
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
⁪
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
⁪
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
⁪
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
⁪
AND THE WINNER IS....
⁪
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
⁪

Reactions: Funny 11 | Informative 1


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## Brink



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Spinartist

Saw this today in Ft. Lauderdale. @ripjack13 were you in town??

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13

Spinartist said:


> Saw this today in Ft. Lauderdale. @ripjack13 were you in town??
> 
> View attachment 176113
> 
> View attachment 176115



Yep just for the day though. I had to make a run down a1a to the oasis to meet someone....

Reactions: Funny 2


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## TimR

Where would we be without this classic


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## kweinert

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your
grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little,
and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

Fathers reply:
Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 3 | Funny 11 | Way Cool 1


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## David Van Asperen

Love this

Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 11


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## TimR

ripjack13 said:


> Wor-sestor-shire....


Wooster-shear how I first heard it

Reactions: Like 3


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 11


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 12


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## kweinert

Quote from a book I'm reading that just struck home.

War was hell.
Everyone knew that.
But Hell has 7 circles. And the first is called basic training.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## drycreek

kweinert said:


> Quote from a book I'm reading that just struck home.
> 
> War was hell.
> Everyone knew that.
> But Hell has 7 circles. And the first is called basic training.



I’d agree with that.


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## David Van Asperen

Another groaner

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Eric Rorabaugh



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Herb G.

A salty old sailor was walking around in a mall one day.
He saw a kid with a purple, red, yellow, and green Mohawk haircut.
He followed the kid around for awhile, just looking at him.
Finally, the kid noticed him & asked what he was looking at.
The sailor said "I got drunk as hell one night in Singapore, and had sex with a parrot, and I thought you might be my kid."

Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## SubVet10

-The other day I saw one armed man in a second hand store.
-Bowling pins were tired of long days working so they went on strike.
- Hands are only 11 inches. If it was longer it would be a foot. 
- Being a vegetarian is a big missed steak.
I got a book of puns from Christmas from the wife and kids :)

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 6


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 6


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## Spinartist

This is at the Ft. Lauderdale Firestone repair center so customers can charge cell phones while waiting for repairs.

Reactions: Like 7 | Funny 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 7


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | EyeCandy! 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## Nubsnstubs

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 177524


When you're out, use a sock or tee shirt.


Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 177548



I needed something like that once. I had a fresh cut Eucalyptus log that I was gonna cut into smaller blanks. I stood it up near the bandsaw, and stopped for lunch. I came back about 30 minutes later and found a 24" diameter puddle around the log. Checked to see if the dog did it, but found out it was actually the wood doing it's thing............ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Don Ratcliff

I just watched a video of drilling holes.

It was a bit boring...

Reactions: Funny 9 | Informative 1


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## ripjack13

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 177548



Sure, teach the dog it's ok to piss in the house....

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## FranklinWorkshops

*PARAPROSDOKIANS are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them)*

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.


2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.


3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.


7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station .


11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks .


12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR."


13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.


16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.


17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.


20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.


21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.


22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.


Finally:

27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 9 | Way Cool 2


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 5


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## Mr. Peet

Nubsnstubs said:


> When you're out, use a sock or tee shirt.
> 
> 
> I needed something like that once. I had a fresh cut Eucalyptus log that I was gonna cut into smaller blanks. I stood it up near the bandsaw, and stopped for lunch. I came back about 30 minutes later and found a 24" diameter puddle around the log. Checked to see if the dog did it, but found out it was actually the wood doing it's thing............ Jerry (in Tucson)



Made it lighter and easier to handle.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 5 | Funny 7


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 5


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## Wildthings

Or if there more things to accomplish while you're down there like tying your shoes!! etc

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Tom Smart

Wildthings said:


> Or if there more things to accomplish while you're down there like tying your shoes!! etc


Multi-tasking!

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## FranklinWorkshops

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 177870


It does beat the alternative, Tom. I'm actually enjoying retirement and don't know why I worked in industry so long. Maybe it was for the money.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

I subscribe to the Saturday Evening Post and saw this 1950 cartoon in their database.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

I told my wife this joke and she said it's a knotty joke.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Tom Smart

FranklinWorkshops said:


> It does beat the alternative, Tom. I'm actually enjoying retirement and don't know why I worked in industry so long. Maybe it was for the money.


I think most of us retired folk have asked ourselves the same question, Larry, “why didn’t I do this years earlier”? Leaving the safety net is hard.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Tom Smart

But getting older still sucks.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Let me ask this for all you older folks: what is fun about getting older?


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## Lou Currier

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Let me ask this for all you older folks: what is fun about getting older?



nothing...we should do life in reverse


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Wildthings

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Let me ask this for all you older folks: what is fun about getting older?


grandkids

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 4


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## Gdurfey

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Let me ask this for all you older folks: what is fun about getting older?



hopefully to have the retirement my folks had: not lavish but full and busy...so busy I had to make a reservation before I came home. Dad: Golf, fishing, fly tying, wood carving, wood working, did I mention golf??……. Mom: bridge, golf (big, big surprise), more bridge, ceramics, bridge, forgotten what else. Plus her sisters and brother were a whole lot closer so much more family time!!!! I look forward to this type of retirement and work is definitely allowing me to achieve that goal.....just much slower than expected!!!!!! (read "money")

Have fun all you old folks, beats the alternatives and yes, I am already waking up with the aches and pains.

Reactions: Like 2


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## FranklinWorkshops

To me, the freedom of planning my day and being able to change the plans as the day goes on is very good. Having managed hundreds of professional over the years, I like not having to deal with all their problems or challenges.

Reactions: Like 1 | +Karma 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Just saw these

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Nubsnstubs

I just saw this, and couldn't resist posting it.. Sorry @Rocky. .................. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

Please ignore, I tried to post a joke video, but it takes me back to my email inbox when I click on it.

Oh well, it's gone. Whew............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Spinartist

Nubsnstubs said:


> Please ignore, I tried to post a joke video, but it takes me back to my email inbox when I click on it.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## FranklinWorkshops

Horse back riding in Canada this week.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mr. Peet

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Horse back riding in Canada this week.
> 
> View attachment 178552



Yep, only a woman would do so. Amazed how many choose horses over spouse and even instead of their children.


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## vegas urban lumber

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Horse back riding in Canada this week.
> 
> View attachment 178552


where is the "fake news" button, clearly staged

Reactions: Funny 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

vegas urban lumber said:


> where is the "fake news" button, clearly staged


You don't say!! Here I was thinking it was real.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mr. Peet

vegas urban lumber said:


> where is the "fake news" button, clearly staged



Canadian S&M, poor husbands on their hands and knees with bit in mouth just trying to make those girls happy.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## vegas urban lumber

Mr. Peet said:


> Canadian S&M, poor husbands on their hands and knees with bit in mouth just trying to make those girls happy.


shrinkage at it's most intense

Reactions: Funny 2 | Sincere 1


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## Mike Hill

Mr. Peet said:


> Canadian S&M, poor husbands on their hands and knees with bit in mouth just trying to make those girls happy.


*Apodictic!! Only thing I'll say, other than the implausibilty of a husband making those girls happy - man those barbed wire fences are tall!*


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## FranklinWorkshops

Mike Hill said:


> *Apodictic!! Only thing I'll say, other than the implausibilty of a husband making those girls happy - man those barbed wire fences are tall!*


That fence is the border wall being built by Canada to keep undesirables like us out. It's 20 ft tall.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13

Ah, there we go. Much better.....

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1 | Agree 6 | Funny 8


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## Wildthings

ripjack13 said:


> Ah, there we go. Much better.....
> 
> View attachment 179145


OMG why didn't I think of that!! But with our 70" tv I would needed a bedsheet

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Wildthings said:


> OMG why didn't I think of that!! But with our 70" tv I would needed a bedsheet



Thats a whole lot of real estate with her clown mug on it. I would have used a beach towel! Ha!


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## trc65

Or, you could have just watched Bogart and Hepburn on HDNMV channel like I did!

Reactions: Like 3


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## Mike Hill

Was teaching a Bible Study - much better for my soul that watching her shenanigans!

Reactions: Agree 1 | +Karma 2


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## Herb G.

Pardon me, but I thought it was against the rules of this forum to make political posts.
Maybe I'm just nuts & imagined it all.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Wildthings said:


> OMG why didn't I think of that!! But with our 70" tv I would needed a bedsheet


Are you complaining or bragging? I just have a 50".


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## ripjack13

Herb G. said:


> Pardon me, but I thought it was against the rules of this forum to make political posts.
> Maybe I'm just nuts & imagined it all.



True, but this isn't a discussion about them....
it's just pictures. as long as we don't go overboard, and keep it civil we're good.
Once it starts getting into a political pictures post fest, then we need to cut back.

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1 | Agree 3


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## Wildthings

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Are you complaining or bragging? I just have a 50".


Aha!!! bragging of course

Reactions: Like 2


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## Mr. Peet

Wildthings said:


> Aha!!! bragging of course



Was he talking chest or waist?

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

Mr. Peet said:


> Was he talking chest or waist?


Who - Dolly Parton?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

And before anyone asks - why yes, yes I have! Thank you very much! There are in fact a few, very few dubious benefits of living in Music City.

Reactions: Like 3 | EyeCandy! 2 | Great Post 1 | Way Cool 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

I grew up near Dolly's home town in East Tennessee and watched her on local TV when she was only 9 or 10 years old. Had a great voice even as a youngster. She's a real superstar and has done so much for the children of Tennessee and other states with her children's book give away. Every child born in TN (and now other states) gets automatically enrolled and will receive an age-appropriate book every month until they are 5 years old. I heard that she's given away more than 5 million books. From a run down little shack in the mountains to becoming one of the world's most famous people is an amazing accomplishment.

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 2 | +Karma 1 | Sincere 1


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## Mr. Peet

Daughter got her autograph a few years back and proudly reminds me often. Dolly toured our little town fair in the 1960's or 70's, back when country performers were affordable to small towns.

Reactions: Like 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Mr. Peet said:


> Daughter got her autograph a few years back and proudly reminds me often. Dolly toured our little town fair in the 1960's or 70's, back when country performers were affordable to small towns.


Wife and I have seen her in concert several times. She gives a great show that's full of energy. I think she plays about every instrument, at least she played 12 different ones in an Atlanta concert I saw in 2015.

Reactions: Way Cool 2


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## Mike Hill

Got to go in some of her houses here and get to meet her sisters also. Pretty fun. Quite a while back when she was buying antiques from us. Plus, one of our field superintendent's wife works for her.

Reactions: Way Cool 2


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## ripjack13

Mike Hill said:


> And before anyone asks - why yes, yes I have!



You dated Dolly!?

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

ripjack13 said:


> You dated Dolly!?


She had this thing for ugly construction guys. Didn't last long though - she had bad breath!

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Eric Rorabaugh

That is too funny!!!!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## ripjack13

meanwhile, in Canada.... @Kenbo snapped a few pix of local graffiti tags....

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 10 | Creative 2


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


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## Maverick



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## Mike Hill

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 179280


You might be standing to close to the wife in your avatar to have said such a thing - truth!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike1950

Mike Hill said:


> You might be standing to close to the wife in your avatar to have said such a thing - truth!


I am used to being in trouble.....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

Danged you Lou! Now I have to clean off my screen, my desk, and my keyboard after I spewed coffee over them laughing when I read that!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4 | +Karma 1


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## Maverick

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 179320



LOL, this is the perfect question to ask my wife....and then walk out of the room.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Lou Currier

Mike Hill said:


> Danged you Lou! Now I have to clean off my screen, my desk, and my keyboard after I spewed coffee over them laughing when I read that!!!



you’re welcome


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## FranklinWorkshops

Lou, I think it's always right to tell your wife she's right, no matter if she's right or not. Also, always apologize immediately when she is mad, even if you don't know what made her mad. It was likely you, as usual, so just assume it was and defuse her anger. She will eventually tell you what you did wrong if you were the cause, but you won't hear it because you normally tune her out anyway. That why my wife and I have stayed married for 50 years.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1 | +Karma 1


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## Mike Hill

Lou Currier said:


> you’re welcome


Yeah, well.......I guess they needed a good cleaning anyways. - but it was a waste of good coffee!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## SENC

Mike1950 said:


> I am used to being in trouble.....


centuries of experience!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 8


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 7


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## Don Ratcliff

@Brink

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Maverick

At least I won’t know about it

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2 | Funny 4 | Sincere 1


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## ripjack13

@Tclem

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 3


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## wombat



Reactions: Funny 12 | Sincere 1


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## Nubsnstubs

......... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 4 | Informative 1


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## Nubsnstubs

.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Mr. Peet

Maverick said:


> View attachment 179637



It's open Who?

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## ripjack13

Mr. Peet said:


> It's open Who?



It's open you have a good day.

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13

Easter is coming....get ready...

Reactions: Like 1 | EyeCandy! 2 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13

@Brink

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 7 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

@rocky1

Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Maverick

OR.....one of his buddies just asked him "how stupid can you be"......

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Brink

ripjack13 said:


> @Brink
> 
> View attachment 179740



not drunk, just stoopid monkey

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## eaglea1

Grandma’s new puppy

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mr. Peet

eaglea1 said:


> View attachment 179847
> Grandma’s new puppy



I'd say one strong stubborn Grandma to hold on like that.


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 6 | Creative 1


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## ripjack13

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 179882

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mr. Peet

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 179882



And once again I'm looking for the SAD icon to post...

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Bigdrowdy1

I have some bad news guys!!!

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit..

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 13


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## Bigdrowdy1

What do call you a row of bunnies moving backwards?

A receding hare line.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 8


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## Nubsnstubs

................. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 6


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## eaglea1

The Cat

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tony

Friday Funny: An 80-year-old Texas rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?' 'I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.' 'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?' 'Who said my father's dead?' The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?' 'He's 100 years old,' says the old Texan. 'In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had some beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Texas rancher and he's a hunter and fisherman too.' 'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?' 'Who said my Grandpa's dead?' Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's' still alive?' 'He's 118 years old,' says the man. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?' 'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.' At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?' 'Who said he WANTED to?'

Reactions: Funny 11


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## FranklinWorkshops

From the Saturday Evening Post in 1954

Reactions: Funny 8


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## drycreek



Reactions: Funny 10


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## drycreek

__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1402117356622313

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

Rules are so stoopid!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 4 | Great Post 4 | Funny 7


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 5 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 14


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## Bigdrowdy1

Did You Know- If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock. Ain't that humerus

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Mr. Peet

Bigdrowdy1 said:


> Did You Know- If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock. Ain't that humerus



Funny by a marrow margin...

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Maverick

These puns are absolutely fibula-ous!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## trc65

What do you say when you go to dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?

Bone appetit!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mr. Peet

trc65 said:


> What do you say when you go to dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
> 
> Bone appetit!



Bad as how vegetarian preachers start prayer,"Lettuce pray".

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Spinartist

Dryer motor quit working. Ordered a new one. Confusing warning on box. 
Do electric motors cause cancer?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## trc65

Only in California, so you should be fine in Florida.

Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 2


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## Maverick

Spinartist said:


> Do electric motors cause cancer?



Only in California :bless:

Tim beat me to it

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mr. Peet

Spinartist said:


> Dryer motor quit working. Ordered a new one. Confusing warning on box.
> Do electric motors cause cancer?
> 
> View attachment 181060
> 
> View attachment 181061



It has been known for 50 or more years that the working armature creates mini electronic ionosphere that if placed close enough to your body can mess with "natural body conductivity" thus altering the norm. This often results with change, and some of those changes slip to become alterations, ulcerations and in some cases cancer. 

Funny how they have that warning on a dryer motor but lack having it on any 5G materials as 5G alters hemoglobin making it harder to absorb oxygen. The invisible weapon once called by the US military, as it reduces healing time and has deadening effects on flu sufferers and other illnesses. Maybe why they banded in several 1st world countries over seas...

Reactions: Like 2


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## Bigdrowdy1

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."

The old man got up and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,

"All right, Idiot, get in."

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Bigdrowdy1

The lady was a southern woman who attended church services and taught Sunday School every week.

One Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, “How about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?”

“Why yes, that would be nice”, the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn’t believe his luck.

On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in town. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, “Would you like a cocktail before dinner?”

“Oh, no,” said the fine example of southern womanhood. “What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?”

Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn’t say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, “Would you like a smoke?”

“Oh my goodness no,” said the woman. “I couldn’t face my Sunday School class if I did!”

Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left and got into his car. As he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He’d been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, “Ahhh, hhhhmmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?”

“Sure, that would be nice,” she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn’t believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in!

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin’ lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, “What have I done?”

He shook her awake and pleaded, “I’ve got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”

The lady said, “The same thing I always tell them, ‘You don’t have to smoke and drink to have a good time.’”

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 7 | Creative 1


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## Maverick

This is one of my favorites:

There was this man named Joe who was considered a bum. He lived on the streets and had no job. He decided that he was going to turn his life around, so he went job hunting...

He came across this factory that made toothbrushes. Inside the office there was a sign that stated " Salesman WANTED!" He thought to himself,"I could sell some toothbrushes, let give it a try!" He got the job and he started to sell.

The first week went by and the manager wanted to know how his sales personnel were doing. The first salesman was the star salesman He said:" I sold 1000 toothbrushes this week!" The second sales man was always the runner up, ?He said" I sold 850!" Then the manager turned to Joe..."I sold 3."

The manager was a little disappointed in his newest salesman. He decided that it has only been 1 week he would give him 3 weeks to prove himself.

The next week goes by. The first sales man said "I sold 1200 this week!" The second said "I sold 950!" Then Joe said, "You are going to be very happy because I sold more this week than last! I sold 10 toothbrushes!"

The manager was still very disappointed by the new salesman's performance, and told him that if he didn't step up his game in the third week that he would be fired.

The third week passes, and it came time to report to the manager. The first man said,"I sold 1250 this week!" The second said, "I finally beat him! I sold 1300!" The room got very quiet as the first two salesmen looked at Joe... "Sir, I think you are going to be very pleased with me this week! I sold *3652* toothbrushes this week!"

Astonished the manager said, "How on earth were you able to sell that many?"

Joe replies:

"Well, I went to the airport and set up a table with a big bowl of chips and dip on it with a sign that said... FREE Chips and Dip. 

As passengers would walk by they would stop at my table , take a chip and swirl it in the dip, take a bite and say.... "Man that tastes like CHIT!!!"

I would exclaim...... "IT IS!!! ... Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Eric Rorabaugh

This is one of my favorite threads to read. Seen some really good ones and gave a laugh when ya need it

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Nubsnstubs

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 181382


You hafta say it fast........... Jerry (in Tucson)


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mr. Peet

Spinartist said:


>



That'a get you go'in...


----------



## Bigdrowdy1

For those who know!!! Made me laugh down deep !!! miss what he brought to the table sooo much!!!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## Bigdrowdy1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 10


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## Tom Smart

Bigdrowdy1 said:


> For those who know!!! Made me laugh down deep !!! miss what he brought to the table sooo much!!!!


Indeed!


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## Bigdrowdy1

LOVE it

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 7


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## Mr. Peet

Bigdrowdy1 said:


> For those who know!!! Made me laugh down deep !!! miss what he brought to the table sooo much!!!!





Bigdrowdy1 said:


> For those who know!!! Made me laugh down deep !!! miss what he brought to the table sooo much!!!!



You know, Kevin was a we bit taller than that, not Tony, sure he gets grass stains on his.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Bigdrowdy1

@Tony aint no leprechaun hes just a really short Texan with grass stains over 90% grass stains
!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mr. Peet

Bigdrowdy1 said:


> @Tony aint no leprechaun hes just a really short Texan with grass stains over 90% grass stains
> !!


 
My bad, guess I need to see the eye doctor soon...


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## Tony

Every time I see that one it makes me smile and sad at the same time.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Sprung



Reactions: Funny 12


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## Mr. Peet

Sprung said:


> View attachment 181400



That is really rough....come to think, can't recall seeing that much empty space ever on any of our shelves, accept for when cleaning and when the new unit arrived.

Reactions: Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 13


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## Wildthings

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 181444


WHY? when you can just use the neighbor's cat!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Tony

I don't know how many people will get this but it's dang funny to me!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 11


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 9 | Funny 4


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## Sprung



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## TimR

Sprung said:


> View attachment 181653
> 
> View attachment 181652

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Maverick

These shouldn’t be funny.....but, well they kinda are. 

Apparently the Costco near me is sold out of water and TP every morning by 9:30 because folks are preparing for Armageddon.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Gdurfey

Why TP?? Our Sam’s is sold out......gee.....

Reactions: Funny 1 | Informative 1


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## Mr. Peet

Gdurfey said:


> Why TP?? Our Sam’s is sold out......gee.....



Could it be that a large percentage of wood pulp to make your TP is China based....don't think those plants will buy american pulp do you...

Reactions: Informative 1


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## woodtickgreg

Went to Sam's to get my groceries for the week.
The good.....gas was $1.88
The bad, no tp, people are so stupid!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## trc65



Reactions: Funny 4 | Way Cool 1 | Informative 1


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## Mike R



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mr. Peet

woodtickgreg said:


> Went to Sam's to get my groceries for the week.
> The good.....gas was $1.88
> The bad, no tp, people are so stupid!



Our Sam's had gas down to $2.67 yesterday.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mr. Peet

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 181829



1 play, ok butt is it 2 ply?

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Wildthings

Mr. Peet said:


> 1 play, ok *butt *is it 2 ply?


HaHa I see what you did there!!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike R



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 11 | Way Cool 1


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## woodtickgreg

In order to prevent the spread of the corona virus all wood workers are hereby ordered to go to their shops and stay there until further notice.

Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 5 | Way Cool 1 | +Karma 1


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 12


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## Mr. Peet

Spinartist said:


>



I believe that is harassment, metal abuse, physical sugar with draw shock initiation, omnivore cruelty, Cruelty to those wearing partials or dentures, vegetarian bribery, and the list goes on...Just plane old bad stuff Lee

By the way, Mennonite lady at church last night, said she plans to glue the lid on a skittles candy jar for Fools day, with a sign that reads have some. She'll have a few loose ones on the desk to look like she just had the jar open.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Spinartist

**oops. Look like someone used a host site to upload the picture directly to the site.**

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 7 | Creative 1


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## ripjack13

Spinartist said:


> **oops. Look like someone used a host site to upload the picture directly to the site.**



Lee please upload pix directly to the site. Otherwise this happens....


----------



## Spinartist

ripjack13 said:


> Lee please upload pix directly to the site. Otherwise this happens....
> 
> View attachment 181984

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike R



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 6


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## trc65

March Madness wasn't cancelled, it's only just starting.....

Reactions: Agree 7 | Funny 2


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## Mike1950

trc65 said:


> March Madness wasn't cancelled, it's only just starting.....


Of course the Zags were at the top of rankings....

Reactions: +Karma 1


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## eaglea1

Of course the Zags were at the top of rankings.... [/QUOTE]
Bucks too


----------



## ripjack13

Mike R said:


> View attachment 182001

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 8


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## Sprung

Waiting for all this March Madness and insanity to be over...

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Herb G.

Sprung said:


> Waiting for all this March Madness and insanity to be over...


Not going to be any March madness this year.
All sporting events & seasons are over for the year.


----------



## Sprung

Herb G. said:


> Not going to be any March madness this year.
> All sporting events & seasons are over for the year.



I'm aware of that - it was a play on words because what is going on now is complete madness and, well, it is March.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 9 | Useful 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 2


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## TimR

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 182101


I wanna see the video!!


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## Wildthings

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 182101


I've been doing that for years but with my bandsaw

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 5 | Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 17


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## Maverick



Reactions: Agree 7 | Funny 1


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## eaglea1

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 182101


Not sure if I would go with the 40tpi though.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 6


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## woodtickgreg

Spinartist said:


>


I am the tick! Should I be afraid of dancing around naked?
One thing I learned when I quit drinking 25 years ago........I can't dance. Lol.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 10


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Spinartist

All art show in my area have been canceled so I'm selling my woodturnings online.
Cherry burl two sided bowl - $85.00 Free roll of toilet paper with every purchase!!

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 8 | Way Cool 2 | +Karma 1


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## Spinartist

Due to the shortage of toilet paper caused by our current health crisis, the World Health Organization has issued new guidelines. Instead of using 6 sheets per wipe,
only use 3. Just use both sides.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mr. Peet

Spinartist said:


> Due to the shortage of toilet paper caused by our current health crisis, the World Health Organization has issued new guidelines. Instead of using 6 sheets per wipe,
> only use 3. Just use both sides.
> 
> View attachment 182136



I'll still use at least 6 sheets if it is single ply, hell, need that many just to cover my small hand...

By the way, neighbor just dropped off a case, he said at work they are hiding thousands from being delivered to Walmart for fun. I told him I could not do that, but we could hide this one case so well he'll never see it again.

Reactions: Sincere 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 9


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## Mike R



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 12


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## Mike R



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mr. Peet

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 182263



You know, that could be very confusing on a burrito and fried beans evening, especially if its a straight tequila night.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## vegas urban lumber

Mr. Peet said:


> You know, that could be very confusing on a burrito and fried beans evening, especially if its a straight tequila night.


byob, bring your own burrito, however not my idea of a delicacy

Reactions: Funny 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 8


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## trc65



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Sprung

Similar:

9 months from now there will be "Coronennials"

Once they reach their teens, we can call them "Quaranteens"

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 12


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 13


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Tom Smart

It is now officially a crisis.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike1950

Homeschool day 3:

Today is career day. The children get to experience a career. My children... they're learning to be janitors.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Hill

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 182263


NNNNOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Tom Smart

It ain’t _Cherry Garcia _but these are desperate times.

Reactions: Like 2 | Thank You! 1 | EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 1


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## trc65

I wouldn't argue with either one!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 12


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## Tom Smart

Tom Hanks survived 4 years on an island as a castaway 

He spent a year in an airport without being able to leave 

Caught AIDS in Philadelphia 

He was in World War II and rescued Private Ryan; 

He went to Vietnam and rescued Lieutenant Dan 

Was on a boat kidnapped by Somali pirates 

Survived Apollo 13 trying to reach the Moon 

Landed an airliner on the Hudson River

If that SOB croaks from coronavirus , we're ALL screwed!!!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 7


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## trc65



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13

Tom Smart said:


> It ain’t _Cherry Garcia _but these are desperate times.
> 
> View attachment 182514



I have the good stuff....

Reactions: Like 2 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 10


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 6


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Funny 12


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## trc65



Reactions: Funny 9


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## kweinert



Reactions: Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Tony



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 8


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## Maverick

Tony said:


> View attachment 182562



LOL....wish we could choose more than one emoji. I would have chosen funny, like, agree....oh AND.....Great Post...

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Sprung

Very relatable content for me right now!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## woodtickgreg

Who wears pajamas?

Reactions: Agree 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike R



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Think about it next time!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Wildthings



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Nubsnstubs

................. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

.




.... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## Nubsnstubs

.



...........Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## Nubsnstubs

Them Cajuns is smart.......... ......... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## Nubsnstubs

............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mr. Peet

Nubsnstubs said:


> ............. Jerry (in Tucson)



So Jerry, does Starbucks have cups like that, or is the negative reversed for copyright reasons?


----------



## woodtickgreg

This was on our bulletin board at work.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Maverick

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 182800


I think we now need a “gross” emoji

Reactions: Agree 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 11


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## Spinartist

HUMANS : PAY CLOSE ATTENTION!!

Reactions: Funny 9 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13

Maverick said:


> I think we now need a “gross” emoji



we have one!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## ripjack13

Maverick said:


> Don’t know why it double posted the pic and I can’t get rid of one of them
> 
> View attachment 182647



fixed....

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 10


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## Mr. Peet

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 182800



Wow, hadn't seen that picture of Steve in years...scary then, Lord knows now.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tom Smart

Gotta say Wendell, it’s great seeing you post again, especially in the joke thread. It was pretty thin here for awhile.

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 7


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## woodtickgreg



Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodman6415

My wife the nurse practitioner has me in self quarantine.... my lungs are Still not 100% from accident.... just playing on iPhone and Facebook 


Tom Smart said:


> Gotta say Wendell, it’s great seeing you post again, especially in the joke thread. It was pretty thin here for awhile.


se

Reactions: Like 2 | Sincere 6 | Creative 1


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## Tom Smart

woodman6415 said:


> My wife the nurse practitioner has me in self quarantine.... my lungs are Still not 100% from accident.... just playing on iPhone and Facebook
> 
> se


I hope she is staying safe as well.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Tony

Tom Smart said:


> Gotta say Wendell, it’s great seeing you post again, especially in the joke thread. It was pretty thin here for awhile.





woodman6415 said:


> My wife the nurse practitioner has me in self quarantine.... my lungs are Still not 100% from accident.... just playing on iPhone and Facebook
> 
> se



I got to hang out with him quite a bit before she locked him down. He's better by leaps and bounds, still full of piss and vinegar.

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Eric Rorabaugh

@woodman6415 
Wendell, you listen to her and take care of yourself. The corona is worse for people with pre-existing conditions and *ahem, cough* the elderly. Just saying.

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Sorry. I had to. Take care my friend!!

Reactions: Funny 1 | +Karma 1


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## Tony

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> Sorry. I had to. Take care my friend!!



We expect nothing less Eric.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Mr. Peet

Tony said:


> I got to hang out with him quite a bit before she locked him down. He's better by leaps and bounds, still full of piss and vinegar.



The other day I knocked over the vinegar, wife was pissed. 30 year old apple cider vinegar with an inch of agar. Glass all over, just before daybreak as I was leaving for a job. Whole house smelled. I tried getting most of it handled before going.

Reactions: Funny 1 | Sincere 2


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 11


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## Nubsnstubs

Mr. Peet said:


> So Jerry, does Starbucks have cups like that, or is the negative reversed for copyright reasons?


I wouldn't know Mark. I've never done anything but walk by them while grocery shopping and TP hunting.  When was the last time you've actually seen a negative? i used to do my own developing only BW pictures as I'm colorblind. I haven't viewed any of my negatives in over 40 years. .... ......... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mr. Peet

Nubsnstubs said:


> I wouldn't know Mark. I've never done anything but walk by them while grocery shopping and TP hunting.  When was the last time you've actually seen a negative? i used to do my own developing only BW pictures as I'm colorblind. I haven't viewed any of my negatives in over 40 years. .... ......... Jerry (in Tucson)



Thanks Jerry...feel so much younger now. Guess it would be a reversed print, verses negative (sounds more modern).


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## Nubsnstubs

Mr. Peet said:


> Thanks Jerry...feel so much younger now. Guess it would be a reversed print, verses negative (sounds more modern).


I realized after replying, that I do have a program that will let me do reverse if I choose to. But, in reality, I can't find it on this new computer. After searching for about 2 months now, I finally found a photos page that allowed me to edit my photos. Gonna try to up load a couple here which might be of interest to you. Look in woodturning forum later. ........... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 2


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## Spinartist

.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

The longer you look, the worse it gets.....

Reactions: Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill

ripjack13 said:


> The longer you look, the worse it gets.....
> 
> View attachment 182984


OH My!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Gdurfey

the longer I look the more my head hurts!!!!!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 5


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## Herb G.

Gdurfey said:


> the longer I look the more my head hurts!!!!!!!


It's killing me.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## William Tanner

So this all went down in Nevada!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Woodworking Vet

woodman6415 said:


> My wife the nurse practitioner has me in self quarantine.... my lungs are Still not 100% from accident.... just playing on iPhone and Facebook
> 
> se



I have bad lungs too (copd and asthma), my doctor ordered me into self quarantine about ten days ago, then ordered my spouse into self quarantine as well so there was no chance of bringing something home from work. Been catching up on yard work, spring cleaning, watching it snow today and waiting for a delivery of mask making supplies this week.

Reactions: Like 1 | Sincere 3


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 2 | Useful 1


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## Mr. Peet

Spinartist said:


>



Did you ever wonder if there was lesbian trees? Question that pops into mind every now and then, ok, so maybe every time I hear Eucalyptus...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Funny 10 | Way Cool 1


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## trc65

Somebody is starting to go stir crazy!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Maverick

trc65 said:


> Somebody is starting to go stir crazy!



I was thinking the same thing.... LOL


----------



## Woodworking Vet

They weren't my photos, I was just reposting. But I still had enough time to find them.....

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 6


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## Mr. Peet

Woodworking Vet said:


> .View attachment 183092 View attachment 183093 View attachment 183094 View attachment 183095 View attachment 183096



Last picture looked like a white version of a certain Sesame Street character. Cookie anyone? Don't be a crouch...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

................ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Woodworking Vet

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

Reactions: Funny 12 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike R



Reactions: Funny 6


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## phinds

There have been news reports that some people are not dealing well with the quarantine

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike R



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 11


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## Nubsnstubs

.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds

Lou Currier said:


>



Lou, I'm pretty sure you have that backwards. It's actually

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Nubsnstubs

............... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Nubsnstubs

.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


----------



## Nubsnstubs

............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Nubsnstubs

............... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Nubsnstubs

For you Garry. 





.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Nubsnstubs

............... Jerry (in Tucson)


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## phinds

Nubsnstubs said:


> ............... Jerry (in Tucson)


Image doesn't show


----------



## Nubsnstubs

phinds said:


> Image doesn't show


I don't see it either, but when I click edit, it appears. When I save the changes, it's back to an X in the thread. It's beyond me, as I did everything the same on every joke I posted. ............. Jerry (in Tucson)


----------



## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Funny 10


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


----------



## TXMoon

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 183513


I am not giving up the 6' "social separation" mandate.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Funny 9 | Informative 1


----------



## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Maverick

If you liked M*A*S*H, you will enjoy this, hope the link works. 





__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10219653484705743

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


----------



## T. Ben

https://www.oreillyauto.com/flux-capacitor?q=121g

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mr. Peet

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 183542



Looking at that license plate...reading her shirt...take out a few states away. Wow.


----------



## Nubsnstubs

Virus alerts from various countries.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat
and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to
“Peeved.” Soon, though, the level may be raised yet again to
“Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit
Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. The
virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.”
The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was
in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's
Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason
they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last
300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert
level from “Run” to then
“Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and
“Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed
France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's
military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly”
to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain:
“Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful
Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also
have two higher levels: “Invade a neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to
“She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!
I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie
is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the
final escalation level.

The Russians have said “It’s not us.
........... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Agree 3


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Funny 8


----------



## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## TimR



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 10


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## Spinartist

My sister in Anchorage said it's take your dog to work day.
They wanted to help with breakfast!

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Nubsnstubs said:


> ............... Jerry (in Tucson)





phinds said:


> Image doesn't show





Nubsnstubs said:


> I don't see it either, but when I click edit, it appears. When I save the changes, it's back to an X in the thread. It's beyond me, as I did everything the same on every joke I posted. ............. Jerry (in Tucson)


It doesn't show because you have not uploaded pictures using the upload file option, you just host em. Which you're not supposed to do.


----------



## Nubsnstubs

ripjack13 said:


> It doesn't show because you have not uploaded pictures using the upload file option, you just host em. Which you're not supposed to do.


Marc, I always use the Upload a File option, but I believe all I posted that day were copied and paste. My mouse finally let me have that option. Thanks for that info, though......... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1


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## Clay3063

FranklinWorkshops said:


> I'm a coin collector Jerry and was spending excess clad Kennedy's from the 1970s. I have hundreds of Franklins and Kennedy's prior to 1964 waiting for the next $28 dollar silver market price. My father was also a collector who started accumulating silver coins during the early 1950s. He was a hoarder of many things, especially silver coins.



My dad used to have a bunch of silver coins. But he had three sons who enjoyed a coke and candy bar too. We'll leave it at that. Except those three boys had sore backsides for a while too. End of story.

Reactions: Funny 2 | Sincere 1


----------



## TXMoon

TimR said:


> View attachment 183574


I am the only one that would think that would taste pretty good.


----------



## Eric Rorabaugh



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## FranklinWorkshops

Just saw this:

Reactions: Way Cool 1


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## TXMoon



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## phinds

TXMoon said:


> View attachment 183713


I love it !


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## Spinartist

My buddy Joe is 85 & has several health issues & ain't leaving the house till the Covid is gone so I sent him a letter on special stationary that he can recycle!

Reactions: Great Post 3 | Funny 5 | Sincere 2


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Too funny Lee!

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 1


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## TXMoon



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Sprung



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## TimR

Too much time on your hands?

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Eric Rorabaugh

I think that's an idea I'll borrow. My grandson would love it. He loves to sit and watch the birds on the feeder so this would be great for him!


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## Mike1950

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 7


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## phinds

Donald Trump's least favorite joke. Ever. Bigly.

In the inner cities, there's no room for football fields or baseball diamonds so the poor kids play basketball.
Slightly better off ones in the suburbs have football and baseball.
Smartest ones go off to college and most just do tennis or pickup frisbee.
Ones that are going to be rich go to Ivy league schools and do golf or tennis.
Those that make it to rich docs and lawyers play mostly and golf, some tennis.
Really rich old ones ONLY play golf.

Trump HATES this because it shows such a clear progression.

The richer you are the smaller your balls.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike1950

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike1950

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

Reactions: Funny 9


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## phinds

VERY pregnant woman waddles into an Emergency room, grabs a nurse by the arm in a death grip and says, very emphatically, "can't, won't, shouldn't". The nurse has no idea what's going on and right then a doctor walks by and the woman shifts her grip to him sand says vehemently "*that's, don't, aren't*". The nurse says "Doctor, I'm sorry, I don't know ..." but the doctor cuts her off and says "Nurse, admit this woman immediately. She's having contractions."

Reactions: Funny 4


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## phinds

Couple was traveling through Florida and stopped in the town of Kissimmee for lunch. They were lightly arguing about how to pronounce the name of the town (KISS a me / ka SEEM ee) as they finished up lunch so the man asked the cashier, "Young man, how do you pronounce the name of this place?" Cashier gives the guy SUCH a look and very slowly and carefully enunciates "BUR GER KING"

Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds

The difference between beer nuts and reindeer nuts? Beer nuts are about $4 a can but reindeer nuts are under a buck.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Sprung

Those of you who have young children or grandchildren (or in the case of @Mike1950 - great great great great grandchildren) might get this one.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## eaglea1

@eaglea1 I reduced the size of your image so we can see it all at one time. (Paul)

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Funny 5


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> The difference between beer nuts and reindeer nuts? Beer nuts are about $4 a can but reindeer nuts are under a buck.



That would have been better if you had just said "deer" in general, since both male and female reindeer can have antlers....


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## phinds

Probably already here somewhere in the 394 pages of this thread, but bears repeating

Reactions: Funny 3


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## tocws2002

phinds said:


> Probably already here somewhere in the 394 pages of this thread, but bears repeating
> 
> View attachment 184020



Must be the log the big box stores get 2x4s out of.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## phinds

Mr. Peet said:


> That would have been better if you had just said "deer" in general, since both male and female reindeer can have antlers....


HEY! Nitpicking on this forum is MY job.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Tom Smart



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## Tom Smart



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## Mr. Peet

Spinartist said:


> View attachment 184094



They look great Lee. Just don't forget where you hide them / store them.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Clay3063

eaglea1 said:


> Not sure if I would go with the 40tpi though.


No worries. Just plug the saw into a 220 outlet. That will give twice the volts thus twice the speed. 40 tpi turns into 80tpi just like that. No need to change blades. Problem solved. You are welcome.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 7


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## phinds

I didn't know my grandma had a gun at all, until I coughed near her house.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Maverick

Clay3063 said:


> No worries. Just plug the saw into a 220 outlet. That will give twice the volts thus twice the speed. 40 tpi turns into 80tpi just like that. No need to change blades. Problem solved. You are welcome.



Don't suggest that to the folks that thought Corona Beer was the cause of the coronavirus......they will probably try that.....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Spinartist




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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8


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## kweinert

I'm at that age where I feel like I'm 29, my humor suggests that I'm 12, and my body is asking if I'm really sure I'm not dead.

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 5


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## Gdurfey

@kweinert ; Ken, y'all doing okay up there?? Of course us here in the Springs are the black sheep of Colorado according to the Gov, but my wife and I are obeying the suggestions and rules.

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 9 | Informative 1


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## TXMoon



Reactions: Funny 8 | Sincere 1


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## Gdurfey

now that is funny

Reactions: Agree 1


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## kweinert

Gdurfey said:


> @kweinert ; Ken, y'all doing okay up there?? Of course us here in the Springs are the black sheep of Colorado according to the Gov, but my wife and I are obeying the suggestions and rules.



Yep, we're doing OK aside from the wife going a little stir crazy. Me, I have way too many projects in way too many different directions to get stir crazy at the moment. 

I made one trip to Costco during the old folks hour and aside from that we've either had groceries delivered or one of the kids picks stuff up for us when they go shopping.

Reactions: Sincere 1


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## Eric Rorabaugh

I'm a Glock lover but that right there is hilarious!

Reactions: Like 2


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## kweinert

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up along side them.

"Hey, show us your tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her windows and shouts "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, and quite innocently asks "Did that sound cross enough?"

Reactions: Funny 8


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Maverick

Observations from the Lockdown 
• Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem. 
• I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe. 
• I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator. • Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom 
• PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
• Home-schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job. 
• I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone 
• This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
• So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them? 
• Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business. • (My favorite) My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet. 
• Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
• I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear? 
• I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to ‘’Puerto Backyarda’’. I'm getting tired of ‘’Los Livingroom’’. 
• Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun. 
• Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended. 
• Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Maverick

Sign in Chicago restaurant....brutal

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7 | Informative 1


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## Spinartist



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## FranklinWorkshops

The new Catholic Church baptism practice.

Reactions: Funny 9 | Sincere 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

From a friend

Reactions: Funny 6 | +Karma 1


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## TXMoon

*5 pillars of wisdom to remember:*
1. Money can’t buy happiness but... somehow; it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle…
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the dude’s name.
3. Help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3 | Informative 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Tom's chart is dead on. A guy I know well owns the most popular liquor, wine and beer store anywhere around here. He told me this week that his business is the best he has seen since he started 35 years ago. He's hired more people and is having a hard time keeping up with demand. My daughters were there on Saturday and they were limiting how many people could be inside at any one time. They still managed to spend a couple of hundred.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1


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## eaglea1

I agree Larry, my oldest son is the wine manager for the southern area of Wisconsin, and he's telling me
that sales are thru the roof. He says, " When things are good, people drink, when things are bad, people drink".

Reactions: Agree 1


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## phinds

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Tom's chart is dead on. A guy I know well owns the most popular liquor, wine and beer store anywhere around here. He told me this week that his business is the best he has seen since he started 35 years ago. He's hired more people and is having a hard time keeping up with demand. My daughters were there on Saturday and they were limiting how many people could be inside at any one time. They still managed to spend a couple of hundred.


I thought liquor stores were closed in PA?

Reactions: Agree 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

phinds said:


> I thought liquor stores were closed in PA?


This store is in Maryland about 7 miles from me. I live only 1 mile from Delaware and 1 mile from MD so we have flexibility.

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1 | Informative 1


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> I thought liquor stores were closed in PA?



They were, then Pennsylvania deemed them and lottery tickets life sustaining and necessary...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Funny 9


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## kweinert



Reactions: Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Maverick said:


> .
> 
> View attachment 184826


And the really crazy thing is that the tellers are also wearing masks.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Maverick

So you think you are having a bad day.......

Reactions: Funny 2 | Way Cool 1


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## Mr. Peet

FranklinWorkshops said:


> And the really crazy thing is that the tellers are also wearing masks.



Banks around here are closed, don't see tellers at all. We have ATM's and a few drive-throughs with buzzers to alert tellers hidden behind blinds.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## DKMD

Maverick said:


> So you think you are having a bad day.......



maybe @Tom Smart could use this kinda thing as a deterrent?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Maverick

DKMD said:


> maybe @Tom Smart could use this kinda thing as a deterrent?



Maybe that is one of @Tom Smart's squirrels.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tom Smart

I need to place some of those around the yard, kinda like head on a pike warning.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## wombat

There's been the Spanish, Asian, Hong Kong, Bird and Swine flu. Shouldn't we be calling this the WU WHO Flu?

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13

wombat said:


> There's been the Spanish, Asian, Hong Kong, Bird and Swine flu. Shouldn't we be calling this the WU WHO Flu?



the kung fu flue

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Sprung



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Sprung



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Sprung



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## trc65

My BIL is a teacher at a local high school and has been teaching from his dining room on a laptop like so many others. After hearing that we are expecting a major snow tonight, he emailed all his students letting them know there will be no class tomorrow as he was declaring a snow emergency!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## Maverick

@Tom Smart one of your friends sees you coming

Reactions: Like 1 | Way Cool 2


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## Tom Smart

That guy might be OK, I don’t see any teeth. Musta left his dentures in his tree hole.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tom Smart

And yes, I’m keeping score.

Reactions: Funny 9


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## TXMoon



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Nubsnstubs

*Should vegetarians eat Animal Crackers ?*






.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 8


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Gdurfey

Would not load, not sure how to delete


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## TXMoon

Gdurfey said:


> Would not load, not sure how to delete


I've seen that with a couple posts today. Email says "embedded media" but when I go to the post, nothing is there.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## Gdurfey

I was trying to post the clip from cheers re the virus. It was so good!!! So, trust me, just LOL!!!


----------



## ripjack13

Gdurfey said:


> I was trying to post the clip from cheers re the virus. It was so good!!! So, trust me, just LOL!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 5 | Funny 3


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 5


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds

Quarantine, day 20 diary entry:
_ Today I melted an ice cube by just staring at it and focusing on wanting
it to melt. It took a lot longer that I had expected._

The drop in gas prices during this quarantine is like a bald guy winning a hair brush

What's the difference between Las Vegas and Wuhan? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## eaglea1

Canadians be like

Reactions: Funny 7


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## eaglea1

Isn't this the truth !

Reactions: Funny 3


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## eaglea1

From SNL for those who don't know.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## eaglea1

Uh huh

Reactions: Funny 6


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## eaglea1

Go ahead!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Tony



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 11


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## JerseyHighlander



Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 10 | Sincere 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## ripjack13

JerseyHighlander said:


> View attachment 185762



And they both are not wearing masks....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## TXMoon

phinds said:


>



I laughed WAY too hard at this one.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## TXMoon



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## phinds

Why Psychologists should avoid narrow doors in their offices. Sign:
A Smith
Psycho-
the-
Rapist

Reactions: Funny 5


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 10


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 9 | Funny 2


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## Maverick

eaglea1 said:


> View attachment 186098



Having forgotten everything I ever learned in calculus, if anyone invents anything similar during this pandemic needs to be strung up by their toes and whipped with the proverbial wet noodle.

Reactions: Agree 5


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Funny 8


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 7 | Sincere 1


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## TXMoon

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 186193


Ok, that's just....ew...

Reactions: Agree 5


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## Tom Smart

Yeah, might need some ketchup.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Wildthings

Tom Smart said:


> Yeah, might need some ketchup.


That ain't gonna help ...ew...

Reactions: Agree 5


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## DKMD

@Tom Smart Does that recipe work with potted meat? Deviled ham?


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## phinds

Probably works with EVERYTHING, but do you really want to find out?

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Maverick

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 186193



That is too funny...and gross....and a little disturbing that someone actually made that.....but I still laughed....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Sprung

Up in my corner of the world potlucks are popular. Especially in Lutheran circles. Oh the things I've seen in jello...

And of course Edith wants you to try her orange jello salad, complete with shredded carrots and cottage cheese...

And that's not the worst of it. I've thankfully forgotten some of the worst jello horrors I've seen.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3 | +Karma 1


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## Maverick

Sprung said:


> Up in my corner of the world potlucks are popular. Especially in Lutheran circles. Oh the things I've seen in jello...
> 
> And of course Edith wants you to try her orange jello salad, complete with shredded carrots and cottage cheese...
> 
> And that's not the worst of it. I've thankfully forgotten some of the worst jello horrors I've seen.



Yep, growing up Baptist in the South, saw and experienced the same thing. Gotta love potlucks though.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Tom Smart

DKMD said:


> @Tom Smart Does that recipe work with potted meat? Deviled ham?


I might go for Spam, Doc. Then there’s the Hawaiian version with spam and pineapple. And if it’s Friday, true Catholics might consider sardines.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## FranklinWorkshops

Sprung said:


> Up in my corner of the world potlucks are popular. Especially in Lutheran circles. Oh the things I've seen in jello...
> 
> And of course Edith wants you to try her orange jello salad, complete with shredded carrots and cottage cheese...
> 
> And that's not the worst of it. I've thankfully forgotten some of the worst jello horrors I've seen.



I also grew up in a Southern Baptist Church with potlucks and my wife occasionally will fix a strawberry jello dish with real strawberries mixed in, on top of crushed pretzels and with whipped cream on top of all of that. I'm sure she got the recipe from her mom as that would be a potluck type of dish. We went to a church group Christmas party one year and everyone was to make and bring a traditional holiday dessert. Everybody brought pecan pies. We had nine pecan pies and the interesting thing is that all of them tasted a little different.

Reactions: Like 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Tom Smart said:


> I might go for Spam, Doc. Then there’s the Hawaiian version with spam and pineapple. And if it’s Friday, true Catholics might consider sardines.


You haven't lived a full life until you've had fried Spam with a pineapple chutney on top. Yum.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 1 | Informative 1


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## Tom Smart

FranklinWorkshops said:


> You haven't lived a full life until you've had fried Spam with a pineapple chutney on top. Yum.


Bought a couple cans of Spam at the outset of our current event, Larry, during the self induced panic to put canned goods in the pantry. Why else would you buy Spam, after all. Had one can for breakfast shorty after and was reminded why it doesn’t habitually live in our pantry. The second can might be there awhile.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## FranklinWorkshops

Tom Smart said:


> Bought a couple cans of Spam at the outset of our current event, Larry, during the self induced panic to put canned goods in the pantry. Why else would you buy Spam, after all. Had one can for breakfast shorty after and was reminded why it doesn’t habitually live in our pantry. The second can might be there awhile.


The old saying is that you can eat every part of a pig except the "oink." I'm sure, however, that Hormel found a way to use the oink in their Spam. But my dad and many soldiers lived on that stuff during WWII. We had it occasionally for many years as I was growing up. I still like it fried.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## Tom Smart

I tried to like it, Larry, I really did.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## TimR

Shoot...just dump a little vodka in it...just don't be doing vienna sausage shooters!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Maverick

FranklinWorkshops said:


> We had it occasionally for many years as I was growing up. I still like it fried.



Same here, just had some last week....and not because I HAD to.  I like to dip it in egg and flour, similar to chicken fried steak and fry it with a side of mashed potatoes and cream gravy....good stuff.

Reactions: Like 2


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## TimR

Maverick said:


> Same here, just had some last week....and not because I HAD to.  I like to dip it in egg and flour, similar to chicken fried steak and fry it with a side of mashed potatoes and cream gravy....good stuff.


Ya know...I just had some for first time in years, couple weeks ago or so. It's what happens when I go shopping with my wife. I see stuff like that and it lands in the cart. I like the idea of breading and frying. May have to sneak a can into my wife's next Walmart curbside since we've been buying that way last few weeks. I'll have to wait till last minute into the online cart...she's sharp.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## FranklinWorkshops

TimR said:


> Shoot...just dump a little vodka in it...just don't be doing vienna sausage shooters!


Oh Gawd, I hate vienna sausages. No telling what is mixed into those things.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Maverick said:


> Same here, just had some last week....and not because I HAD to.  I like to dip it in egg and flour, similar to chicken fried steak and fry it with a side of mashed potatoes and cream gravy....good stuff.


Now that is a good recipe for Spam. I'll see if I can talk my wife into serving that. Maybe add some fried onions on top.

Reactions: Like 3 | Creative 1


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## phinds

Damn. This thread was going so well with jokes and cartoons and stuff and now we're talking about a disgusting meat product? (*) Yuck !

* Yes, I realize some people don't share my opinion of it, but they're just wrong !

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Maverick

Here you go Paul....just for you...even though you are missing out on good, rib sticking food

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## Tom Smart

OK, Paul, back on track...

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Spinartist

phinds said:


> Damn. This thread was going so well with jokes and cartoons and stuff and now we're talking about a disgusting meat product? (*) Yuck !
> 
> * Yes, I realize some people don't share my opinion of it, but they're just wrong !




Now we know where all the toilet paper is going

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Spinartist

Was at a clients house today. This was in their garage. That's just over half of what they had.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds

Well, half of nothing is still nothing. Or did you mean to have an image w/ that post?


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## Spinartist

phinds said:


> Well, half of nothing is still nothing. Or did you mean to have an image w/ that post?




Picture there now

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mr. Peet

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Now that is a good recipe for Spam. I'll see if I can talk my wife into serving that. Maybe add some fried onions on top.



The jello pretzel dish has been in our family 50 years, I enjoy it at times. Been asking Mom to try it with cherry Jello and cherries for about 10 years. Maybe this Thanksgiving....

As for Spam, I microwave it like bacon, on a bacon tray. Cook it just like chicken skin (or pork shin), until it is at the brink of charring, crisp and clean. It will still be salty, so a few crackers and cheese might make it a bit better.

If that does not work, chase your pallet with some warm or chilled straight Kahlua. Other drinks work as well.

Reactions: Like 3


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## FranklinWorkshops

Mr. Peet said:


> The jello pretzel dish has been in our family 50 years, I enjoy it at times. Been asking Mom to try it with cherry Jello and cherries for about 10 years. Maybe this Thanksgiving....
> 
> As for Spam, I microwave it like bacon, on a bacon tray. Cook it just like chicken skin (or pork shin), until it is at the brink of charring, crisp and clean. It will still be salty, so a few crackers and cheese might make it a bit better.
> 
> If that does not work, chase your pallet with some warm or chilled straight Kahlua. Other drinks work as well.


Could marinate it in Jack Daniels overnight and then microwave it. That would greatly improve the flavor.

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 1 | Creative 1


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## Bigdrowdy1

Spinartist said:


> Was at a clients house today. This was in their garage. That's just over half of what they had.
> 
> View attachment 186219



Must be a bunch of a$$’s in that family .

now back to the spam recipes
Eggs scrambled with cheddar cheese at some pick do guys throghh in some chopped serono peppers and a grilled tortilla and a great on the go not to be confused as the runs breakfast!!

now to the Vienna sausage. Ain’t no body here who fishes hard!!
Add crackers and keep fishing !! Heck comes with it own jello! Just saying
Now back to the jokes

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Bigdrowdy1

So depressed type in all kinds of recipes for spam and that is all it saved!!
Sorry guys but I am eating good !!!

Reactions: Like 1


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## trc65

Talking about Jello and things that go in it....

Many years ago in grad school, the Dept had a Christmas party that everyone brought snacks and ethnic foods for all to enjoy. One of the retired professors was of Norwegian descent and his wife made some sort of gelled onion pate in a jello mold. Several of us politely asked what it was, but none were brave enough to try it. We of course watched to see if any of the foreign grad students would unknowingly try it.

After a while, along came one of the Chinese students and cut about a two inch wide piece of the onion mold. All we could guess was that he thought it was some sort of sweet jello concoction. He picked up a large portion with his fork and as it neared his mouth, several of us were watching with anticipation to see the reaction.

Remember those cartoons where a character's eyes would bulge out of their head and turn into gargantuan spheres? That's exactly what his eyes did when his taste buds realized what was touching them! Followed immediately by his eyes shifting rapidly from side to side trying to figure out if he could spit it out without anyone seeing him. He must have decided that there were too many people around as he swallowed it. Then, his face started turning green and he rapidly moved towards the door. Don't know if he kept it down or not, but as soon as he left, about half the room erupted in laughter.

To this day, I won't touch a jello mold unless it is something I made, or watched it being made.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Tony

Sorry Paul, we're not done with the Spam discussion. I love it, keep a couple cans in the cabinet all the time. Most of the time I just pan fry with some Olive Oil, put some onions and serrano peppers in there. Eat it with eggs or just buy itself. Also good over white rice. I will try the chicken fried recipe, sounds dang good!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | +Karma 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 12


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## phinds

Tony said:


> Sorry Paul, we're not done with the Spam discussion. I love it, keep a couple cans in the cabinet all the time. Most of the time I just pan fry with some Olive Oil, put some onions and serrano peppers in there. Eat it with eggs or just buy itself. Also good over white rice. I will try the chicken fried recipe, sounds dang good!


Ok, now you're just trying to make me barf.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1 | +Karma 1


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Maverick

.

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## FranklinWorkshops

Great news - my wife agreed to buy a can of Spam when she next goes shopping. First time in ages. She's not a fan. I want to try it with the coating used for frying chicken.

Reactions: Like 3 | Way Cool 1


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## eaglea1

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Could marinate it in Jack Daniels overnight and then microwave it. That would greatly improve the flavor.


What a way to waste good Jack! Adding in all these other things reminds me of how we cook Canadian geese up here. You toss the goose into a roasting pan along with an old boot.
Roast for how ever long you feel is necessary, then remove from the oven , toss out the goose and eat the boot!
Just what is spam anyways ? I was always under the impression that was an old school word that meant " bad hunter".

Reactions: Funny 4


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## eaglea1



Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 4 | +Karma 1


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## Tom Smart

Great News!? Ohhh, Larry, you’re not thinking straight with this quarantine. 

Despite what Paul says, talking about Spam is pretty dang funny. 

Where does it come from anyway? Anyone ever seen Spam on the hoof? Are Spams wild, do you hunt them? I’ve never seen them grazing in a field. Anyone know a Spam farmer?

Reactions: Funny 4


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## T. Ben

eaglea1 said:


> What a way to waste good Jack! Adding in all these other things reminds me of how we cook Canadian geese up here. You toss the goose into a roasting pan along with an old boot.
> Roast for how ever long you feel is necessary, then remove from the oven , toss out the goose and eat the boot!
> Just what is spam anyways ? I was always under the impression that was an old school word that meant " bad hunter".


It is spiced ham,we have spams running around south central minnesota,you can shoot them anytime of the year.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## FranklinWorkshops

*From Wikipedia:

Spam* (stylized as *SPAM*) is a brand of canned cooked pork made by Hormel Foods Corporation, based in Minnesota, United States. It was first introduced in 1937 and gained popularity worldwide after its use during World War II.[1] By 2003, Spam was sold in 41 countries on six continents and trademarked in over 100 countries (not including the Middle East and North Africa).[2] Spam's basic ingredients are pork with ham meat added, salt, water, modified potato starch (as a binder), sugar, and sodium nitrite (as a preservative). Natural gelatin is formed during cooking in its tins on the production line.[3] Many have raised concerns over Spam's nutritional attributes, in large part due to its high content of fat, sodium, and preservatives.[4]

It has become the subject of several appearances in pop culture, notably a Monty Python sketch, which led to its name being borrowed for unsolicited electronic messages, especially email.

Reactions: Like 2


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## T. Ben

FranklinWorkshops said:


> *From Wikipedia:
> 
> Spam* (stylized as *SPAM*) is a brand of canned cooked pork made by Hormel Foods Corporation, based in Minnesota, United States. It was first introduced in 1937 and gained popularity worldwide after its use during World War II.[1] By 2003, Spam was sold in 41 countries on six continents and trademarked in over 100 countries (not including the Middle East and North Africa).[2] Spam's basic ingredients are pork with ham meat added, salt, water, modified potato starch (as a binder), sugar, and sodium nitrite (as a preservative). Natural gelatin is formed during cooking in its tins on the production line.[3] Many have raised concerns over Spam's nutritional attributes, in large part due to its high content of fat, sodium, and preservatives.[4]
> 
> It has become the subject of several appearances in pop culture, notably a Monty Python sketch, which led to its name being borrowed for unsolicited electronic messages, especially email.


Sure,if you want to get down to the nuts and bolts if it.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

T. Ben said:


> Sure,if you want to get down to the nuts and bolts if it.


It probably does have "nuts" in it but not likely bolts.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Tom Smart

“Spam's basic ingredients are pork with ham meat added”

Huh?

Reactions: Agree 1


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## phinds

Tom Smart said:


> “Spam's basic ingredients are pork with ham meat added”
> 
> Huh?


Ham's a pig's LEG. Pork is everything. The pork included in spam is all of the really bad stuff; tongue, testicles, tail, snout, guts, eyes, etc --- all the stuff that can't be otherwise used.

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## Tony

phinds said:


> Ham's a pigs LEG. Pork is everything. The pork included in spam is all of the really bad stuff; tongue, testicles, tail, snout, guts, eyes, etc --- all the stuff that can't be otherwise used.



Mmmmmmm, tasty!!!

Reactions: Agree 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## phinds

Tony said:


> Mmmmmmm, tasty!!!


RIIIiiiiiiiiiggghhhttt


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## FranklinWorkshops

Every part of a hog can be used for human food. I remember when I was a youngster going up to my granddads farm for pig killing. Around Thanksgiving every year, he killed and butchered two or three hogs behind the house and several neighbors would come to help. I was fascinated and still vividly remember all the work to butcher and process the meat in a salt water bath before it was hung in the smokehouse. The next morning we would have brains and eggs scrambled together. But tongue, head meat, even the pigs feet were saved for food. The Germans highly value pigs feet for tasty dishes and I've had them when we lived in Europe. Even the intestines are cleaned and deep fried for chitlins https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chitterlings 

Tony is a true connoisseur of such fine dining.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Tony

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Every part of a hog can be used for human food. I remember when I was a youngster going up to my granddads farm for pig killing. Around Thanksgiving every year, he killed and butchered two or three hogs behind the house and several neighbors would come to help. I was fascinated and still vividly remember all the work to butcher and process the meat in a salt water bath before it was hung in the smokehouse. The next morning we would have brains and eggs scrambled together. But tongue, head meat, even the pigs feet were saved for food. The Germans highly value pigs feet for tasty dishes and I've had them when we lived in Europe. Even the intestines are cleaned and deep fried for chitlins https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chitterlings
> 
> Tony is a true connoisseur of such fine dining.



You ain't lived until you've had pickled pig's feet.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Gdurfey

eaglea1 said:


> What a way to waste good Jack! Adding in all these other things reminds me of how we cook Canadian geese up here. You toss the goose into a roasting pan along with an old boot.
> Roast for how ever long you feel is necessary, then remove from the oven , toss out the goose and eat the boot!
> Just what is spam anyways ? I was always under the impression that was an old school word that meant " bad hunter".



Reminds me of the recipe for carp. Clean a carp and put it on a cedar plank; season, and broil. Take out of the over, throw the carp away, and eat the cedar plank.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Tony

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 186279



If it didn't have green olives I'd go for it. I only eat purple ones.....

Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415

Tony said:


> If it didn't have green olives I'd go for it. I only eat purple ones.....


I like both

Reactions: Like 2


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## Wildthings

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Even the intestines are cleaned and deep fried for chitlins .


I bought two packs of intestines yesterday but for sausage stuffing

edited to add proof!








woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 186279


Looks good to me.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## eaglea1

T. Ben said:


> It is spiced ham,we have spams running around south central minnesota,you can shoot them anytime of the year.


And all this time we over here in Wisconsin thought that was the Minnesota Gophers running around.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## eaglea1

@FranklinWorkshops , My parents and grandparents all germans always saved or asked for the pigs head from the butcher. They would basically boil it,
and then skin it, cut it up into quarters and grind it up with potatoes and make german potato sausage. Freeze it up in Tupperware and then on cold
mornings take some out and fry it up and eat it on rye bread with a little applesauce on top. YUM!

Reactions: Like 2


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## phinds

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 186291


Well, what's "news" about that? Don't we all do it?

Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 3


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## Gdurfey

……….and usually right after we give up and throw it out to make her happy!!!!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## phinds

Gdurfey said:


> ……….and usually right after we give up and throw it out to make her happy!!!!!


Wait ... WHAT ??? You DO that ? Wimp !

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Maverick

Gdurfey said:


> ……….and usually right after we give up and throw it out to make her happy!!!!!



Note to self....don't let wife in the shop.....problem solved.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## Tony

eaglea1 said:


> @FranklinWorkshops , My parents and grandparents all germans always saved or asked for the pigs head from the butcher. They would basically boil it,
> and then skin it, cut it up into quarters and grind it up with potatoes and make german potato sausage. Freeze it up in Tupperware and then on cold
> mornings take some out and fry it up and eat it on rye bread with a little applesauce on top. YUM!



Down here, Mexicans make tamales out of them. Great stuff, I grew up watching people make them, then getting to stuff my face!!


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## Nubsnstubs

You're forgetting Boudin. It's heavenly sent using pork ingredients. The best food from Cajun Land......... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 4


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## Tony

Nubsnstubs said:


> You're forgetting Boudin. It's heavenly sent using pork ingredients. The best food from Cajun Land......... Jerry (in Tucson)



You're right, I can't get enough of boudin.


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## ripjack13

Maverick said:


> Note to self....don't let wife in the shop.....problem solved.



Michele came in my shop the other day looking for dry wood to burn. She was going through my bin next to the bandsaw. omg...I almost fainted.

Reactions: Funny 2 | Sincere 2


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## Tom Smart

You need a combination lock on your shop door, Marc.


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## ripjack13

Tom Smart said:


> You need a combination lock on your shop door, Marc.


I got one, but the batteries died.


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## Tom Smart

Well, then don’t blame her.....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Here is what I do when the scraps pile up. Cut them into rectangles and squares and sell them to artists and crafters. I sell three to four boxes every week. Cut a MFRB of these sizes today for a woman in Seattle. What I've learned these past three years of selling on Etsy, there is no such thing as "scrap" when selling to creative artists.

Reactions: Like 3 | Useful 1


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## Maverick

ripjack13 said:


> Michele came in my shop the other day looking for dry wood to burn. She was going through my bin next to the bandsaw. omg...I almost fainted.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Maverick

Nubsnstubs said:


> You're forgetting Boudin. It's heavenly sent using pork ingredients. The best food from Cajun Land......... Jerry (in Tucson)



I lived in LA (Louisiana, not to be confused with LA as in Los Angeles) for about 4 years (two daughters still live there). Love me some Boudin.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Tony

ripjack13 said:


> Michele came in my shop the other day looking for dry wood to burn. She was going through my bin next to the bandsaw. omg...I almost fainted.



I keep a cart right outside of the Shop that all my neighbors and friends know they can take whatever the want from. Nothing else.

Reactions: Like 2 | +Karma 1


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## Spinartist

Gdurfey said:


> ……….and usually right after we give up and throw it out to make her happy!!!!!




You talkin about wood or Spam??

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Spinartist

I worked at a slaughter house in Iowa fer 7 years 4 months & 23 days (nasty place to work). We processed about 8,000 live hogs each day. I've probly cut through more pork than probly all WB members combined.

My job on my very first day was to weigh individual cans of their brand of "Spam" . If off weight & opened them & sloshed the contents into a vat to make new "Spam" with. And it is made of meat scraps & the some other not normally eaten parts.
BTW, Bacon Bits are made from one part bacon & three parts pig skin.

Ham is the hogs rear & lower leg.

Reactions: Like 1 | Sincere 1


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## Spinartist

Factoid : You know it's called ham??
If it was called hog a$$ no one would eat it.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## vegas urban lumber

phinds said:


> Well, what's "news" about that? Don't we all do it?
> View attachment 186292


told my wife that all the turning wood, blanks and cutoffs on the back porch. will maker great firewood this coming corona pandemic winter for the "end of days"

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## phinds

We used to cough to hide a fart. After Covid, we fart to hide a cough.

Reactions: Funny 8 | Informative 1


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## TimR

phinds said:


> Ham's a pig's LEG. Pork is everything. The pork included in spam is all of the really bad stuff; tongue, testicles, tail, snout, guts, eyes, etc --- all the stuff that can't be otherwise used.


You say that like it’s s bad thing. Like hot dogs?

Reactions: Agree 2


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## TimR

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 186279


I’d eat it...but then again I’ve eaten scorpions , and washed it down with snake blood.
And I did it in Wuhan!

Reactions: Funny 6


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## phinds

TimR said:


> You say that like it’s s bad thing. Like hot dogs?


Only Hebrew National All Beef. THEY only have premium cuts of 100% kosher beef.**

By the way, this whole thing w/ me hating spam has gotten out of hand. I started it as a joke. I actually don't care for spam in particular but it's not awful. I'd eat it if I had to.

-----------------------------------------
** And I do worry about those a bit. See post 7900

Reactions: Like 1


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## Gdurfey

Kim status

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 11


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## Woodworking Vet

.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 6


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## Rocking RP

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 186538


Ain’t it the truth

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tom Smart

Tom, your image was just outrageously large so I reduce it for you. Paul

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Tom Smart

Paul, thanks.


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## Maverick

Tom...what big pictures you have......

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 5


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## Nubsnstubs

Sorry if this doesn't work, but if it does, it's gonna definitely wake you up........ VID-20200408-WA0004.mp4 ............ Jerry (in Tucson)


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## phinds

Nubsnstubs said:


> Sorry if this doesn't work, but if it does, it's gonna definitely wake you up........ VID-20200408-WA0004.mp4 ............ Jerry (in Tucson)


?

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Nubsnstubs

phinds said:


> ?


Paul, I did everything I'm capable of doing to get it on WB. I'm clearly not as capable as I thought I would be. Probably if you copy and paste, it might show up...... 

.https://attachment.outlook.live.net...jsSu8q5IQTvBJw&isDownload=true&animation=true....... 

............. Jerry (in Tucson)


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## Nubsnstubs

Nope, it won't work......... Sorry again, but I tried............ Jerry (in Tucson)


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Tom Smart

More big pictures, sorry Paul.


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## phinds

All I see is big black rectangles

Reactions: Agree 1


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## phinds

Tom Smart said:


> More big pictures, sorry Paul.


What O.S. are you running under?


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## Tom Smart

iOS (iPad)


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## phinds

Tom Smart said:


> iOS (iPad)


OK, thanks. I have no idea what graphics manipulators are available on that. Really sucks if it has nothing.


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Funny 13


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## Tony



Reactions: Agree 1


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Funny 11


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## ripjack13

@Eric Rorabaugh ...heh heh heh...

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 9


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Too funny! Oh that would be the answer from a lot of people around here. Ask poachers around here where the deputy lives, they can't tell you. Ask them where the game warden lives, they'll tell you the address. Thanks @ripjack13 , I needled that!

Reactions: Like 4 | +Karma 1


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## phinds

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD THAT.... 

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, Retirement Funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Reactions: Funny 10


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 10 | Informative 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 3


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Nubsnstubs

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Two with meatballs, one without.

Send extra sauce.

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 9


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## JerseyHighlander

It's George Carlin, so, you know there'll be cussin.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds

You should NOT laugh at any of these clips. But you will.

morons


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## Wildthings

phinds said:


> You should NOT laugh at any of these clips. But you will.
> 
> morons


I'm saving that for later to enjoy!!


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## trc65

Must have been a really _GOOD_ video. YouTube has already removed it. Probably the insensitive use of the word " moron"

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds

Wildthings said:


> I'm saving that for later to enjoy!!


You're too late. For some reason YouTube deleted it. I thought the guy who sent it to me as an attachment GOT it from YouTube but I guess not.


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## phinds

trc65 said:


> Must have been a really _GOOD_ video. YouTube has already removed it. Probably the insensitive use of the word " moron"


Good point. I should have made the title "mentally challenged" or "self-created accidents" or something.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## TXMoon

trc65 said:


> Must have been a really _GOOD_ video. YouTube has already removed it. Probably the insensitive use of the word " moron"



Well if you find humor in people getting hurt, even if it is their own fault, then I am sure you would have found it good.

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

*New*
Some new things in today's life are actually old things. The cartoons below came from the 1954 issues of Saturday Evening Post. Captions are as follows:

1) “There must be something more to life than just sitting here.”

2) “Wouldn’t it be nice if they all ate at home and just mailed in their tips?”

3) “It all started when he was ill a couple of years ago and had some work sent home from the office.”

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## phinds

Without captions, how are these jokes?


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## FranklinWorkshops

phinds said:


> Without captions, how are these jokes?


Captions didn't copy as planned so I added them. Thanks for you excellent critique.

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I wondered why the frisbee kept looking larger as it got closer. Then it hit me.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Velcro - what a rip off!
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2


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## phinds

In case anyone wants to come to Texas and take away people’s guns, here’s a map showing the location of every gun owner in the state:

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## phinds

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back.
A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Eric Rorabaugh



Reactions: Agree 2


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Spinartist

It was a hot day in Minnesota . 
Helga hung the wash out to dry and then went into town to pick up her dry cleaning.
"Gootness, its hotter den hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street .
She passed a tavern and thought to herself, "Vy nodt?" She walked in and quietly took a seat at the end of the bar.
The bartender walked up to her and said, "And what would you like to drink today?"
"Vell Ya know," Helga said in a timid voice, "I don't usually go into da bars, but today I vill make an exception. It iss zo hot, I tink I vill have myself a beer." 
The bartender smiled at Helga and asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and said; "Vell, it's fine tanks, und how's yur viener"

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Nubsnstubs

It was a hot day in Minnesota .
Helga hung the wash out to dry and then went into town to pick up her dry cleaning.
"Gootness, its hotter den hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street .
She passed a tavern and thought to herself, "Vy nodt?" She walked in and quietly took a seat at the end of the bar.
The bartender walked up to her and said, "And what would you like to drink today?"
"Vell Ya know," Helga said in a timid voice, "I don't usually go into da bars, but today I vill make an exception. It iss zo hot, I tink I vill have myself a beer."
The bartender smiled at Helga and asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and said; "Vell, it's fine tanks, und how's yur viener"

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 7


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## FranklinWorkshops

Just in

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7 | Informative 1


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## Tony

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 187598



Squirrel tastes better than chicken IMO.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Tom Smart

I’ve got plenty, Tony, how many do you want?

Reactions: Like 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

looks like fried rat.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## TXMoon



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 9


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## Tony



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7


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## phinds

Good one, but I wonder how many people will get it.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike Mills

phinds said:


> Good one, but I wonder how many people will get it.



Don't know but it's really cruel when it hits you.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4 | Sincere 1


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## TXMoon

phinds said:


> Good one, but I wonder how many people will get it.


Yea, it's kind of dated but I found it funny.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## TXMoon

Mike Mills said:


> Don't know but it's really cruel when it hits you.


Yeap. But you know what they say. "Dark humor is like food. Not a lot of people get it."


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## Bigdrowdy1

Mike Mills said:


> Don't know but it's really cruel when it hits you.



will take your legs right out from underneath you type humor!
Take a knee and think about it!

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6 | Funny 4


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## FranklinWorkshops

Dilbert latest:

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mr. Peet

Tony said:


> View attachment 187611



When the bars are closed, she brings the bar to you...

Reactions: Funny 5


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## wombat



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## phinds

A Great Uncle of mine always said "As one door closes, another one opens"

He was a great guy but a really awful cabinet maker.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 12


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 15


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## Wildthings

A priest, a minister and a rabbit go into a bar. The bartender looks at the rabbit and asks "What'll you have?" The rabbit says "I Dunno. I'm only here cuz of autocorrect"

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## phinds

Wildthings said:


> A priest, a minister and a rabbit go into a bar. The bartender looks at the rabbit and asks "What'll you have?" The rabbit says "I Dunno. I'm only here cuz of autocorrect"


When typing online, auto correct is my worst enema.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 13


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## TXMoon

Woodworking: Gives people something to do in between their tool sharpening hobby.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 5


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## phinds

Reading The Economist while eating breakfast this morning, I was struck by the following sentence: "A plan to reboot the Euro area was ground down to a budget of homeopathic insignificance." It then occurred to me:

Anyone prescribing homeopathic medicine should be required accept homeopathic payment: an empty envelope that used to have money in it.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## Wildthings

Looks like we just made it to the next chapter in Jumanji 2020 - Chapter 6 HURRICANES

Attached Images

Reactions: Funny 1 | Sincere 1


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3 | +Karma 1


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## TXMoon

With Father's day approaching... what would you do?

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4 | Sincere 1 | Creative 1


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## phinds

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Joe Biden: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

KING DAVID: O Lord, why dost the chicken cross the road? And why art the chicken hawks beset around it? Surely in vain the road is crossed in the sight of any predator.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Reactions: Funny 13 | Informative 1


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 5


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## phinds

My brother just sent me these:

*Coronavirus One-Liners (Groaners)*

* Finland has just closed their borders, so nobody will be crossing the Finnish line.

* Due to the quarantine, I'll only be telling inside jokes.

* There will be a minor baby boom in 9 months. Then around the year 2033, we shall witness the rise of the "quaranteens."

* World Health Organization has determined that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously being held in quarantine will be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

* I'd tell you a Coronavirus joke, but I'd have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

* I ran out of toilet paper, so I had to start using old newspapers. Times are rough.

* What do you call panic buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? A Wurst Kase scenario.

* In my day, you would cough to cover up a fart. Now you fart to cover up a cough.

* The grocery stores in France look like a tornado hit them. All that's left is de brie.

* So many coronavirus jokes out there, it's a pundemic.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 9


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## Wildthings

phinds said:


> * World Health Organization has determined that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously being held in quarantine will be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.


CAN'T HELP MYSELF

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## vegas urban lumber

i have come to realize that this whole corona virus lockdown scenario, is a grand attempt by millennial's, to legitimize their desire to not leave the couch/house, inability to communicate in person and need to have everything delivered to them. 2020 has been expressly made to their order adding also in the fact that they can't get a job they didn't want anyway.

Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 4


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## trc65



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 4


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## vegas urban lumber

trc65 said:


> View attachment 188521


said by nearly every generation about the prior, since the dawn of time

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## phinds

vegas urban lumber said:


> said by nearly every generation about the prior, since the dawn of time


Yeah, but THIS time we're right by gum. These young'ns have no respect for their elders, grow their hair too long, dance too suggestively, and ...

Oh, wait. Socrates said all that 2,400 years ago. Kind of beat me to the punch.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## TXMoon



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## Gdurfey



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## Gdurfey

Not sure where to post this. Have no idea what I would do with it.


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## phinds

Gdurfey said:


> Not sure where to post this. Have no idea what I would do with it.


Hey, that looks just like the slab that Paul Bunyan used to make his coffee table.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Maverick

Their shop is about an hour and a 1/2 South of me. Don't get down that way very often, but I always make a point to stop in and drool over some of their supply...and spend some money. I haven't seen that slab, but they have a lot of fascinating pieces of wood.

Reactions: Way Cool 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 8 | Sincere 1


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## SENC



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## Mr. Peet

Gdurfey said:


> Not sure where to post this. Have no idea what I would do with it.
> 
> View attachment 188618



Perspective Garry,

That is a little person, maybe 5'-4". Angled shot. Van door size,... I'd figure 5'-8" to 6' at most for the cookie. I could likely get it but would probably get another to help move it, being age a weakness are inevitable.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## kweinert

All good points, missing an 'L' or not.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Maverick

kweinert said:


> View attachment 188660
> 
> All good points, missing an 'L' or not.



Brits must be trying to slow down the population growth in addition to COVID.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tom Smart



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## Tom Smart



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## wombat



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## Mr. Peet

wombat said:


> View attachment 188844



George Floyd protesters defaced the "Fallen Firefighters Memorial" in Wilkes-Barre PA and Civil War memorial. The protesting has now broke the Billion dollar mark in damages in the USA. Peaceful protesting, I think the joke is hidden in the calling of "Peaceful".

Reactions: Agree 4


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## Gdurfey

for the dent repair guys

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## TXMoon



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## Gdurfey

TXMoon said:


> View attachment 189040



now that's funny!!!!!!!!!!


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## TXMoon



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## TXMoon



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## Maverick

.

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## Sprung

@Tony

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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Tom Smart



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## TXMoon



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## kweinert

It's been one of those months.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Maverick

der wienerschnitzel

Reactions: Funny 2 | Sincere 1


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## Mike Hill

Maverick said:


> der wienerschnitzel


Was my college late, late, late night go to!

Reactions: Like 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Understatement of 2020

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mr. Peet

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Understatement of 2020
> 
> View attachment 190543



They likely could not find the 'Road Closed' sign. Fallen Rocks sign would be good. 'Men Working' would be an understatement... See some states have banned that one, 'Persons Working'.


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## TXMoon



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## Gdurfey

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Understatement of 2020
> 
> View attachment 190543



I saw this somewhere else. My first question was has anyone seen Wyle E. Coyote?????

Reactions: Sincere 1


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## FranklinWorkshops

Maverick said:


> .
> 
> View attachment 190647


Probably works as well as most other masks I see people wearing.


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## Maverick

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Probably works as well as most other masks I see people wearing.



LOL...so true


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## trc65



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## phinds

Johnny was filling up a good-sized hole in his back yard when the neighbor leaned over the fence and asked him what he was doing. The kid explained that he was burying his goldfish, which had died. Neighbor says, that an awfully big hole for a goldfish. Kid replies, yeah, that's 'cause he's inside your cat.

Reactions: Funny 9 | Way Cool 1


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## phinds

A truck with a load of Roget's Thesaurus overturned and spilled them all over the road. The driver was left speechless and the witnesses were stunned, startled, flabbergasted, amazed, surprised, taken aback, stupefied ...

Reactions: Funny 5 | Sincere 1


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## Herb G.

2 nuns walked into a bar.



The 3rd one ducked.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## SubVet10

*Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be sedans!"*

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## phinds

The town council was concerned because not enough members were coming to meetings so they asked for suggestions. One member said, look let's make it absolutely mandatory that members come to the next meeting and for that meeting we'll bring in a hypnotist to plant a post-hypnotic suggestion that everyone attend meetings from now on. They all agreed that it should be tried. 

The meeting started and the hypnotist was brought out. He faced the members, brought out a pocket watch, and in calm, slightly boring, but hypnotic voice said over and over ... watch the watch ... watch the watch ... watch the watch ... watch the watch ... watch the watch ... right then his finders slipped and he said, "oh, CRAP".

It took three days to clean up the council meeting room.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Brandon Sloan

A friend of mine asked if I could make him some column bases for a construction project that he is managing. He sent me the dimensions and I made him one so he could make sure it would fit. He picked it up on Sunday and sent me this reply yesterday. 



They installed the columns first   
I love the comment “the center might need to be bored out 1/8” more, it’s hard to tell if it will fit”

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Nubsnstubs

............Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Nubsnstubs

........... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Nubsnstubs

........... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

.........Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 1


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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

........ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Nubsnstubs

........... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## T. Ben



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 4 | Great Post 2 | Funny 1


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## phinds

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 191090


Yeah, but only if you're white.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Nubsnstubs

> *Tyrone was having trouble in school. His teacher constantly yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy Tyrone! Can't you learn anything?” Tyrone's mama decided to meet with his teacher to discuss the situation. The teacher told her Tyrone was a disaster, getting the lowest marks of any of her students. She had never had such unmotivated and ignorant boy in her teaching career.*
> 
> *Tyrone's mama, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son and moved from Detroit to Cleveland. Twenty years later, the teacher was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Her doctors advised surgery and recommended that she go to Cleveland to have the best surgeon at The Cleveland Clinic perform the surgery. The teacher decided to have the procedure which was remarkably successful. In the recovery room, she saw the doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. *
> 
> *She wanted to thank him, but instead her face turned blue as she tried to speak and she quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what suddenly went wrong. When the doctor turned to leave the room, he saw that Tyrone, the janitor had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.*
> 
> 
> *Now if you thought for one second that Tyrone had become a brain surgeon, there is a good chance you’ll vote for Joe Biden!*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...





> *..................... Jerry (in Tucson)*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## SubVet10

My biggest problem in school was the Principel told me he did not want to ever see me in his office again. I kept telling the teachers this but they would not listen.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

> It was reported that Dan¹s wife was able to get out safely and he was





> able to par the hole.


.............. [email protected]

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Nubsnstubs



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## eaglea1



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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Eric Rorabaugh

That is my dog all over! Looks just like her too

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Funny 2 | Creative 1


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 10


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 5


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## Tom Smart



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## Maverick

Hope it doesn't *spoil *her dinner.

Reactions: Funny 7 | Creative 1


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## Nubsnstubs

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 192215


I don't want to sound like a grammar cop, but shouldn't that be LOOSE instead of LOSE..... I believe releasing them at the riots would definitely disperse the crowds. 
It would also give the rioters something to brag about if they didn't get gored. I wish I could remember the name of the town where they have the Running of the Bulls, but it sure ain't Portland. ................ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Maverick

Nubsnstubs said:


> I don't want to sound like a grammar cop, but shouldn't that be LOOSE instead of LOSE..... I believe releasing them at the riots would definitely disperse the crowds.
> It would also give the rioters something to brag about if they didn't get gored. I wish I could remember the name of the town where they have the Running of the Bulls, but it sure ain't Portland. ................ Jerry (in Tucson)



I thought the same thing Jerry on the lose vs loose.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tom Smart

Picky, picky, picky....


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Nubsnstubs said:


> I don't want to sound like a grammar cop, but shouldn't that be LOOSE instead of LOSE..... I believe releasing them at the riots would definitely disperse the crowds.
> It would also give the rioters something to brag about if they didn't get gored. I wish I could remember the name of the town where they have the Running of the Bulls, but it sure ain't Portland. ................ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 2


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## vegas urban lumber

Maverick said:


> I thought the same thing Jerry on the lose vs loose.


pamplona i believe

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 1


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## Nubsnstubs

vegas urban lumber said:


> pamplona i believe


 Thanks, Trev. Pampalona, Spain. Yearly event. I don't know why I didn't just search the name. Probably the same reason why I didn't remember it. I think I'm slowly getting set up for La La land. My wife is already there, and it is ugly........ Jerry (in Tucson)


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## Nubsnstubs

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> View attachment 192223


Picky cuz someone has to keep you in the lupe. haha. Tried to do a smillie, but it didn't highlight....... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tom Smart

Nubsnstubs said:


> Picky cuz someone has to keep you in the lupe. haha. Tried to do a smillie, but it didn't highlight....... Jerry (in Tucson)


Is that lupe or loop, Jerry?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Wildthings

Tom Smart said:


> Is that lupe or loop, Jerry?


I don't care who you are that right there is funny!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Nubsnstubs

Tom Smart said:


> Is that lupe or loop, Jerry?


Right up front, I want you all to know that was spelled that way on purpose, for Eric's benefit. But, he's a little slow today........ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 1 | Sincere 1


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## Tom Smart

Nubsnstubs said:


> Right up front, I want you all to know that was spelled that way on purpose, for Eric's benefit. But, he's a little slow today........ Jerry (in Tucson)



Ah... Brooklyn Bridge for sale. Any takers?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1 | Creative 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## T. Ben



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 6


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## kweinert

A priest, an Imam, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says "I think I might be a type O."

Reactions: Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## phinds

kweinert said:


> A priest, an Imam, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
> 
> The rabbit says "I think I might be a type O."


A priest, an Imam and a rabbit walk into a bar.
Hey, says the barkeep, we don't server rabbits here
That's OK, says the rabbit, I'm just here because of auto-fill.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Johnturner

OK I think I get @phinds but not @kweinert?


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## Gdurfey

read the last line faster @Johnturner ; I had to (about 4 times...…..)

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 2


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## Johnturner

Ahhhhhh Thank you.

Reactions: Like 1


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## TXMoon



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5


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## Wildthings

TXMoon said:


> View attachment 192655


That's funny right there but I'm not really feeling it right now. Check back with me about noon on Thursday LOL

Reactions: Sincere 1


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## David Peterson

I choked on my cracker because that was funny now.


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 4


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## phinds

You do NOT want to screw around with Dogbert.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## JR Parks

Wildthings said:


> That's funny right there but I'm not really feeling it right now. Check back with me about noon on Thursday LOL


Stay safe Barry. She is getting stronger but looks to be still a little east of you.

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## Wildthings

JR Parks said:


> Stay safe Barry. She is getting stronger but looks to be still a little east of you.


Yep I'm breathing a little better. We are predicted to only get 50-60mph winds now and 6ish" of rain. Got all the boards up yesterday

Reactions: Like 3 | Sincere 3


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## TXMoon

Wildthings said:


> That's funny right there but I'm not really feeling it right now. Check back with me about noon on Thursday LOL


Agree with JR Parks, be safe. I have a lot of friends out in Beaumont that are gonna be at ground zero tonight.

Reactions: Sincere 1


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## Maverick

Be safe my South TX friends. I have 2 daughters and their families that live north of Lake Charles, LA. One has already evacuated to Dallas.

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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5 | Informative 1


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## TXMoon



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## Wildthings

Just an update -- unbelievable! I don't think, no I know that I've never been that close to a major hurricane and got nothing, zilch, nada...no rain, hardly any breeze. Crazy! Stayed up til the eye crossed Lake Charles, about 3 am, before going to bed. Watched live feed from storm chasers, (4 of them) on their website. Brett Adair recorded winds gust to 133 mph at the parking garage he was staged at.

Sure am glad she steered away from here. Watering the yard today

Hurricanes I've been through that I can remember - Carla, Alicia, Ike, Rita, Harvey to name a few. Worst tropical storms were in the late 70's. Claudette and something else back to back. 47" in my FIL house - twice

Reactions: Like 6 | Great Post 1 | Sincere 1


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## Maverick

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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

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## Nubsnstubs

Maverick said:


> .
> 
> View attachment 192826


That would beat a salad any day.. .... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Mike Hill

Finally found a town that knows how to honor me! I try not to use my super powers to collect more wood than anyone else!

Reactions: Like 1


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## bluedot

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cottonwool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5 | Useful 1


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## T. Ben



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## ripjack13



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## phinds

From a collect of smart-ass remarks by pilots and/or ground controllers. Some of the better ones.

Tower: TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees to a heading of 120 degrees
Pilot: Hey tower, we're at 30,000 feet. How much noise can we MAKE up here?
Tower: Well, do you know how much noise a 747 makes when it collides with a 737?

Pilot: (one of many, waiting for takeoff) I'm $#^*@#% bored
Tower: Last pilot to transmit, identify yourself immediately !
Pilot: I said I'm $#^*@#% bored, not $#^*@#% stupid.

After a DC-10 came in fast and made a long stop almost to the end of the runway:
Tower: American 751, make a hard right at the end of the runway if you are able. If you are not, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the light, and return to the airport.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds

This is from sometime in the1990's as I recall. At that time, Quantas had the best safety record of any airline and very rigorous maintenance crews. These crews took their jobs very seriously but didn't always take the paperwork seriously. These are actual pilot (P) incident reports and maintenance crew (M) responses (in writing). I found this list so hilarious that I went to the trouble of typing it into a text file from the magazine it was in. I just ran across the file.

Enjoy:

P: Something loose in cockpit.
M:Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing
M: After brief search, engine found on right wing.

P: Aircraft handles funny. 
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.

Reactions: Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## Tom Smart

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 192989


How can you be sure it's a man?

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## DKMD

Tom Smart said:


> How can you be sure it's a man?


 Just when I thought it couldn't be more gross...

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## Mr. Peet

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 192989



Maybe it was an Italian lady....

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## phinds

Mr. Peet said:


> Maybe it was an Italian lady....


And the Italians would say it looks like a Polish lady, and the Poles would say it looks like a Russian lady and ...

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## Tom Smart

phinds said:


> And the Italians would say it looks like a Polish lady, and the Poles would say it looks like a Russian lady and ...


So we are settled then, it’s a lady.

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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> And the Italians would say it looks like a Polish lady, and the Poles would say it looks like a Russian lady and ...



Maybe, but from my experience, it does not match the Poles or Russians I have "dealt" with but does match the many Sicilian ladies...

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## vegas urban lumber

Mr. Peet said:


> Maybe, but from my experience, it does not match the Poles or Russians I have "dealt" with but does match the many Sicilian ladies...


i'm not sure, admitting to that might not be your highest achievement

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## trc65

Tom Smart said:


> So we are settled then, it’s a lady.


"Lady" might not be the word I would use....

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Mr. Peet

vegas urban lumber said:


> i'm not sure, admitting to that might not be your highest achievement



You start at the bottom and work up. Sometimes, not always a good thing,,,,...??... I have achieved far better since.

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## vegas urban lumber

Mr. Peet said:


> You start at the bottom and work up. Sometimes, not always a good thing,,,,...??... I have achieved far better since.


started your working life as a dredger?

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## Mr. Peet

vegas urban lumber said:


> started your working life as a dredger?



You'll have to explain that a bit to me. Dredging, as in waterways, starts at the top (bottom of water, top of soil) and works down, so I assume you mean it in another way.


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## vegas urban lumber

Mr. Peet said:


> You'll have to explain that a bit to me. Dredging, as in waterways, starts at the top (bottom of water, top of soil) and works down, so I assume you mean it in another way.


just joking about starting at the very bottom, but technically i miffed that quip, you are correct

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## Tom Smart



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## Tom Smart



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## Maverick

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## Maverick

Face mask of the week

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## Tom Smart



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## Tom Smart



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## Tom Smart



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## Nubsnstubs

I thought this was pretty funny........ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Mr. Peet

Nubsnstubs said:


> I thought this was pretty funny........ Jerry (in Tucson)



blond moments in time....


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Here...

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## Lou Currier



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## FranklinWorkshops

Exactly why I'm liquidating lumber and tools now. I turned 72 today and time is fleeting.

Reactions: Sincere 2


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## vegas urban lumber

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Exactly why I'm liquidating lumber and tools now. I turned 72 today and time is fleeting.


happy birthday

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## T. Ben

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Exactly why I'm liquidating lumber and tools now. I turned 72 today and time is fleeting.


Happy Birthday!!

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## Wildthings

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Exactly why I'm liquidating lumber and tools now. I turned 72 today and time is fleeting.


Happy Birthday!! Larry hope it was a grand day. Liquidate some my way

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 1


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## Rocking RP

Happy birthday Larry hope its a great one

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## Mr. Peet

FranklinWorkshops said:


> Exactly why I'm liquidating lumber and tools now. I turned 72 today and time is fleeting.



Happy birthday. My nephew turned 37 today...he's almost an old man.

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## Mike Hill

Day late - dollar short! Happy Birthday Larry!

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## Tom Smart



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## ScoutDog

The WB folks can uniquely appreciate this perspective.

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## Mr. Peet

ScoutDog said:


> The WB folks can uniquely appreciate this perspective.
> 
> View attachment 194112



The one on the left had beak freckles...


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## Lou Currier

I mowed the lawn yesterday, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what? "At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

Reactions: Like 7 | Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

That right there is so succinctly indubitable - it.....it....just makes my mind go kablooey!!!

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## Lou Currier

A montage for your viewing pleasure.

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## Herb G.

What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?

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## JR Parks

*Larry LaPrise, author of 'The Hokey Pokey', dead at 93*
Uploaded 02/11/2008 
Sad news in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, who wrote the song and dance classic 'The Hokey Pokey' is dead at 93. His funeral went off with only one hitch, while transferring Larry to his coffin, they put his left leg in, and that's when the trouble began-

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Bigdrowdy1

My Dear Watson I believe your point to be a very true statement. You my man are a honor and scholar for your research. Thank you
I am currently going thru a electrical power fail that is scheduled for a few more hours!!
I do not see the need to pull the trigger and try and start the generator( hasn’t been started in 5 yrs. that is pull start 13hp with a bad torn up shoulder. 3rd pull generator required more force than my shoulder was able to deliver. Major pain!!! Lights flickered said see just a few more minutes. 15 minutes ago!! Lights just flickered shoulder still throbbing! Trying to get wife to wait and see. Sweat running down fore head. Life in 2020 truly sucks !! Wait they flickered again. How can you turn $h1t off do not to overload grid when they start it back up? There the go again. Generator still not starting!! Bet money when it start gr is comes back up!!! Any takers? Going to go pull it again will let you know.

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## Bigdrowdy1

Never did get it started ! Took nice cold shower opened windows and went to bed. Got up at 3am house nice and cool power back on. AC not running bill up. Love fall morning. Crisis covered. Dang shoulder still throbbing. Amazing how things change as we age. When I was young use to wake up to — all heck never mind.
Y’all all have a great day

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4 | Sincere 1


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## Mike Hill

In my best arkansan clintonesque accent - 'I feeeelll your pain"! I know that pain - tried to start a chipper past weekend that had not started in 2 years - only to find out I did not really have to pull the starter rope 3 dozen times. Just connecting the plug wire to the plug seems to make it start better! Who knew? DUH!

Reactions: Funny 1 | Way Cool 1 | +Karma 1


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## Wildthings

All 3 of my generators would not crank. Dang ethanol gas. Finally bought replacement carbs for each and they are all humming on first pull. This time when I put them away I close the fuel valve, run them til they die and drain the gas tank. We'll see

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## Tom Smart

Wildthings said:


> All 3 of my generators would not crank. Dang ethanol gas. Finally bought replacement carbs for each and they are all humming on first pull. This time when I put them away I close the fuel valve, run them til they die and drain the gas tank. We'll see


One word - Generac

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Gdurfey

Wildthings said:


> All 3 of my generators would not crank. Dang ethanol gas. Finally bought replacement carbs for each and they are all humming on first pull. This time when I put them away I close the fuel valve, run them til they die and drain the gas tank. We'll see



a couple of our gas stations now have non-ethanol gas. I don't care what it costs (about $.70 higher) I use it in generators, mix my 2-stroke oil in it, my little dirt bike that doesn't get ridden very much, etc. And, I still use Sta-Bil in all of those things. I hate old gas.....and yes, everything that has a fuel valve on it, it gets turned off and the engine run (the non-2-Stroke stuff)!!!!!

Reactions: Like 3 | Sincere 1


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## Tom Smart



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## Tom Smart



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## Tom Smart



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## Mr. Peet

Bigdrowdy1 said:


> Never did get it started ! Took nice cold shower opened windows and went to bed. Got up at 3am house nice and cool power back on. AC not running bill up. Love fall morning. Crisis covered. Dang shoulder still throbbing. Amazing how things change as we age. When I was young use to wake up to — all heck never mind.
> Y’all all have a great day



Why did your wife not start the genny? Circle of friends and neighbors come in handy then as well.

Reactions: +Karma 1


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## Mr. Peet

Wildthings said:


> All 3 of my generators would not crank. Dang ethanol gas. Finally bought replacement carbs for each and they are all humming on first pull. This time when I put them away I close the fuel valve, run them til they die and drain the gas tank. We'll see



How far is an ethanol free station? We've had them, maybe 15 years by now.


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## Wildthings

Mr. Peet said:


> How far is an ethanol free station? We've had them, maybe 15 years by now.


45 miles away is the only one I'm aware of around me


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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

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## Tom Smart



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## Tom Smart



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## Tom Smart



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## ripjack13

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 194437


Remember when the first cable box came out? And hbo....if you turned the channel knob just slightly so it was halfway inbetween the 2 channels, you could watch hbo, but it had a line through the screen but we could see b00bies!!!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Tom Smart

I don’t recall that, but I do recall a survey going through our neighborhood asking if people would be willing to pay for TV programming. What?! Pay for TV? Why would I need more than the 3 stations I get now for free with my rooftop antenna?

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Tom Smart



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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

Ok, which one of you let the secret out

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## phinds



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## Maverick

.

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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## Herb G.

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 194439


Man, I always hated picking bones out of my donuts.
Especially those eclairs that always had those small fine bones in them.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ScoutDog

*Washington Post's Mensa invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. *

* Here are the winners:*

1. *Cashtration* (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. *Ignoranus* : A person who's both stupid and an wiseguy.
3. *Intaxication *: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
4. *Reintarnation* : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. *Bozone* (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. *Foreploy* : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. *Giraffiti* : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. *Sarchasm* : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. *Inoculatte* : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. *Osteopornosis* : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11.* Karmageddon* : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. *Decafalon* (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. *Glibido* : All talk and no action.
14. *Dopeler Effect*: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. *Arachnoleptic Fit* (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. *Beelzebug* (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. *Caterpallor* ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

*PLUS*

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. *Coffee, n.* The person upon whom one coughs.
2. *Flabbergasted, adj.* Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. *Abdicate, v.* To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. *Esplanade, v.* To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. *Willy-nilly, adj.* Impotent.
6. *Negligent, adj*. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. *Lymph, v.* To walk with a lisp.
8. *Gargoyle, n.* Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. *Flatulence, n*. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. *Balderdash, n.* A rapidly receding hairline.
11. *Testicle, n*. A humorous question on an exam.
12. *Rectitude, n.* The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. *Pokemon, n.* A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. *Oyster, n.* A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. *Frisbeetarianism, n.* The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. *Circumvent, n.* An opening in the front of jockey shorts worn by Jewish men.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4 | Informative 1


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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## sprucegum

Your on a bit of a roll Phil

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## phinds

sprucegum said:


> Your on a bit of a roll Phil


Who is this Phil guy of whom you speak?

But yeah, I copy the better ones from here over to the Physics Forum and the better ones from there over to here. Anything that gives me a real chuckle.

Reactions: Like 3


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## sprucegum

Don't mind me I'm bad with names and it's beer:30 for retirees

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## sprucegum

I like the cat one and the dog sled fire hydrant best.


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## phinds

sprucegum said:


> I like the cat one and *the dog sled fire hydrant* best.


that one gave me the best chuckle too because I didn't see it coming.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Maverick

.

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## ripjack13

They must have had unions back then too....
Only one guy is working, the rest are standing around.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## TXMoon

phinds said:


> View attachment 194693


Classic! I remember that cartoon when it was first published. I shutter to think what year that was.

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## phinds

My therapist told me that to help with my anger management I should write really nasty letters to the people I'm mad at and then burn them.

OK, so I did that but now what am I supposed to do with the letters?

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## phinds



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## Maverick

.

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## phinds

It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man/women/person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed
because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. [this was in England]
8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women?
I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it all melted. Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 5 | Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## phinds

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

Son of a ***** TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## barry richardson



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## phinds

If Covid-19 and the world's countries and politicians' various reactions to it had to be described as one of those algebra word problems it would look something like this:

If you're walking on the ice cream at 5 ounces per toaster and your bicycle loses one sock, how many marbles would you need to repaint your hamster?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Maverick

phinds said:


> If Covid-19 and the world's countries and politicians' various reactions to it had to be described as one of those algebra word problems it would look something like this:
> 
> If you're walking on the ice cream at 5 ounces per toaster and your bicycle loses one sock, how many marbles would you need to repaint your hamster?


 

I believe the answer is ..... *5*

[There is a joke hiding in my answer, but in case you haven't seen it....google 2+2 =5]

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> If Covid-19 and the world's countries and politicians' various reactions to it had to be described as one of those algebra word problems it would look something like this:
> 
> If you're walking on the ice cream at 5 ounces per toaster and your bicycle loses one sock, how many marbles would you need to repaint your hamster?



I'm going with ....Yes.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Herb G.

The correct answer is purple.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Lou Currier

I thou the answer was - tourniquet


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## trc65

phinds said:


> If you're walking on the ice cream at 5 ounces per toaster and your bicycle loses one sock, how many marbles would you need to repaint your hamster?



It depends, it is actually a differential equation and is missing some variables. Does the turtle eat the hare and does the rooster kiss the cat? 

If so, then you put the bicycle's sock on the hamster and toast it, paint your bicycle with ice cream and ride the bicycle naked through the prickly pear patch.

If not, ........

Reactions: Funny 2


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## phinds

That's amazing; you all got a part of it since the correct answer is "Yes, you do need to apply 5 purple tourniquets"

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Maverick

phinds said:


> That's amazing; you all got a part of it since the correct answer is "Yes, you do need to apply 5 purple tourniquets"



Its called team effort and collaboration...... something I am afraid many in this day and age have forgotten how to do.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Nubsnstubs

phinds said:


> If Covid-19 and the world's countries and politicians' various reactions to it had to be described as one of those algebra word problems it would look something like this:
> 
> *If you're walking on the ice cream at 5 ounces per toaster and your bicycle loses one sock, how many marbles would you need to repaint your hamster?*


I made a small change to this question. Now it sounds more like an answer a current politician would give to any simple softball question. 

I was walking to the ice cream at 5 ounces per toaster when my bicycle lost a sock which drained the marbles I had for painting my hamster. ...........Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6 | Useful 1


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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> View attachment 194810


I am, I am
I got married to the widow next door
She's been married seven times before 
But then I'm only Henry the third!


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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> That's amazing; you all got a part of it since the correct answer is "Yes, you do need to apply 5 purple tourniquets"


Heck! I thought it was calculus and I've just spent an hour looking for my textbook! - green breasted, red-legged, texas t-bird foul!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Hill



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## Gdurfey

trc65 said:


> It depends, it is actually a differential equation and is missing some variables. Does the turtle eat the hare and does the rooster kiss the cat?
> 
> If so, then you put the bicycle's sock on the hamster and toast it, paint your bicycle with ice cream and ride the bicycle naked through the prickly pear patch.
> 
> If not, ........




Just the fact you used the expression "differential equation" really concerns me...…..

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Gdurfey

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 194923



with me, it is currently "one more motorcycle"......I got the fly rods before my honey.

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## phinds



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## phinds



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## eaglea1

Ya, he der Paul, we up here in da nort don't git it wit da terminology! Ooffda hey!

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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1 | Sincere 1


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## TXMoon

phinds said:


> TOOLS EXPLAINED
> 
> DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
> 
> WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
> 
> DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
> 
> PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
> 
> BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
> 
> HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
> 
> VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
> 
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
> 
> TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
> 
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
> 
> BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
> 
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
> 
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
> 
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
> 
> PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
> 
> HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
> 
> HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
> 
> UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
> 
> ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
> 
> Son of a ***** TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


Truer words were never writ down.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tom Smart



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## Tom Smart



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## TXMoon

When the heat kicks on for the first time in the Fall

...

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## Maverick

*What could go wrong?!?!?!?*

Reactions: Funny 8 | Informative 1 | Creative 1


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## Maverick

Well that is one way to cut down on complaints

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## Maverick

Passive aggressive way to get your point across

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Maverick

Uhhhh, NO

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Maverick

How true, how true

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Maverick

Guess they spent all the money on the motel

Reactions: Funny 5 | +Karma 1


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## Maverick

Isn't that the truth

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## Tom Smart

Yep.....

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## Mr. Peet

Maverick said:


> How true, how true
> 
> View attachment 195337



Bank robbers....obvious millennials as they are dumb enough to post it.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Tom Smart

Wonder if Mr Skeleton has room for some of my favorite politicians in there?

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## woodbard

chippin-in said:


> What do you get when you cross a masochist with an amnesia victim?
> 
> Beats me, I forget.
> 
> What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an astronomer and a dyslexic.
> 
> A guy who sits around staring into the sky and wonders if there really is a dog.
> 
> Robert


I heard that joke as an insomniac agnostic and dyslexic who lays awake at night and wonders if there really is a dog.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## Herb G.

Maverick said:


> *What could go wrong?!?!?!?*
> 
> View attachment 195311


I lived in an old house that had a meter like that. You could unplug it, flip it upside down, & it'd run backwards.
Not that I ever did that or anything.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## phinds

THIS IS ONE *BRAVE *DOG !

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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> THIS IS ONE *BRAVE *DOG !
> View attachment 195577



In the words of Eustace Bagg, stupid dog

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## Maverick

phinds said:


> THIS IS ONE *BRAVE *DOG !
> View attachment 195577


 

Ears are down, I would say he KNOWS he is in danger but doesn't know what to do.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

Bois, yew guaycan really sapodilla fun outa this, so I'm goncalo alves yew to stop this gidgee school girl talk...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## sprucegum

Aren't you supposed to seek medical attention if your election lasts this long?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 11


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## Mike Hill

sprucegum said:


> Aren't you supposed to seek medical attention if your election lasts this long?


Now that is me spewing coffee onto my computer screen funny!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Nubsnstubs

sprucegum said:


> Aren't you supposed to seek medical attention if your election lasts this long?


Wow, I'm slow this morning. It took 3 readings and Mike's reply to finally get this. But, I'm glad I didn't get right away there wood be coffee all over my computer...... 

As far as the reason for this play on words, I always thought people with that problem would be better off checking in with Sally instead of a doctor....... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mr. Peet

Nubsnstubs said:


> Wow, I'm slow this morning. It took 3 readings and Mike's reply to finally get this. But, I'm glad I didn't get right away there wood be coffee all over my computer......
> 
> As far as the reason for this play on words, I always thought people with that problem would be better off checking in with Sally instead of a doctor....... Jerry (in Tucson)



Sally, who is that? Thought they say something about "See Alice"..?..


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## Maverick

Awkward

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 11


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3 | Creative 1


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## Mr. Peet

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 195895



Knot sure what angle to tell you, but scale down, cut it out if you want us to truss you.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 10 | Sincere 1


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## Albert Kiebert

Found this on a Facebook woodworking page. Thought I wood share

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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Nature Man

Albert Kiebert said:


> Found this on a Facebook woodworking page. Thought I wood share
> 
> View attachment 195912






That is plane to see! Chuck

Reactions: Funny 2


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## phinds

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 195916



Actually those two are out front, but there are two more of them out back, they just don't show up in the picture 'cause the building's in the way.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## JerseyHighlander

Tom Smart said:


> Wonder if Mr Skeleton has room for some of my favorite politicians in there?


Chop em up first, you can fit a lot more of em that way.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## phinds

Guy went to the ear doc and complained about his hearing.
The doc asked him to describe the symptoms.
Guy says, Homer's a fat fellow and Marge has blue hair.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> Guy went to the ear doc and complained about his hearing.
> The doc asked him to describe the symptoms.
> Guy says, Homer's a fat fellow and Marge has blue hair.


Huh?


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## phinds

Mike Hill said:


> Huh?


I take it you don't watch the Simpsons. Google it.


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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> I take it you don't watch the Simpsons. Google it.


You are right I don't, but more about "huh, I didn't hear that clearly!"

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds

Mike Hill said:


> You are right I don't, but more about "huh, I didn't hear that clearly!"


Ah. Sarcasm. I like that.


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## DLJeffs

An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man thought for a second and said, 'Oh, don't pay no never mind to me. I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator!'

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> Ah. Sarcasm. I like that.


No Worry - my wife doesn't consider me funny either!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

Still have about 3 years to go

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

I look at all my tools and think "When the shtf, I'm good'.. 
then I realize they're all power tools.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## sprucegum

ripjack13 said:


> I look at all my tools and think "When the shtf, I'm good'..
> then I realize they're all power tools.



You could hook a bicycle to a generator, hook the generator to some batteries, and the batteries to a inverter. Guessing you would be doing more pedaling than turning.

Reactions: Like 2


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## JerseyHighlander

ripjack13 said:


> I look at all my tools and think "When the shtf, I'm good'..
> then I realize they're all power tools.


Ahah! See, us hand tool guys aren't nuts. Well, not completely anyway.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## phinds

JerseyHighlander said:


> Ahah! See, us hand tool guys aren't nuts. Well, not completely anyway.


Yeah, but mostly

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## DLJeffs



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## Lou Currier



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## phinds



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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 4


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 9 | Way Cool 1


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## Tom Smart



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## Mike1950

A man in Michigan wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Michigan Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Reactions: Funny 13


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## JerseyHighlander

Mike1950 said:


> A man in Michigan wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Michigan Bear Removers."
> He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
> The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
> "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
> "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
> off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
> He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
> "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
> "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."


That's funny but, anybody not man enough to get the bear off his own roof is going to get squeamish like a little girl when you go to hand him the shotgun...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 11


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## Mr. Peet

Maverick said:


> .
> 
> View attachment 196002



That isn't sad, that is a happy thing. That is how bacon bits are made. After crumbling with your feet, sweep back into the pan and you will notice most bits will already appear peppered. Kick back and enjoy a program on the tube while the 4 legged friend(s) spit shine the floor and clean your feet. Country liven' in redneck heaven...

Reactions: Funny 8


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7


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## phinds

Favorite bumper stickers:

I will never sell out
unless I get a lot of money for it

You can pick your nose 
and you can pick your friends
but you can't wipe your friends on the couch

When life gives you lemons
just shut up and eat your lemons
and leave me out of it

Always follow your dreams
except for the one where you
are at school in your underwear
​

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike1950



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## Lou Currier



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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

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## phinds

For those older folks among us:

In order for these Q's and A's from The Hollywood Squares to be funny, you have to be able to bring to mind Paul Lynde's on-screen persona and idiosyncratic style. If you DO remember him well, this should be a fun read. If you don't then I can only add that Mel Brooks once described Lynde as being capable of getting laughs by "reading a phone book, tornado alert, or seed catalogue" and I believe it, but you have to have seen him to appreciate it.

Q: "The Great White" is one of the world's more feared animals. What is it?
Lynde: A sheriff in Alabama.

Q: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Lynde: They give both milk AND cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies.

Q: What is the most abused and neglected part of your body
Lynde: Might be abused but it's not neglected

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Lynde: I don't know, but it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: Can you get an elephant drunk?
Lynde: Sure, but he still won't come up to your apartment.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
Lynde: They do if you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: If the right part were to come along, do you think George C. Scott would ever do a nude scene?
Lynde: You mean he doesn't HAVE the right part?

Q: Burt Reynolds was recently quoted as saying that Dinah Shore is in top form and he's never seen anyone so energetically throw herself into a ... what?
Lynde: Headboard.

Q: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees?
Lynde: Yes, as long as that's as far as it goes.

Q: Who would stay pregnant longer, your wife or your elephant?
Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

I remember Lynde well, and that last one just kills me.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## JerseyHighlander

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7 | +Karma 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## SubVet10

Maverick said:


> .
> 
> View attachment 196583



True enough. Being pepper sprayed is about the worse their is worse than tear gas.... And worse than tasers from what I've heard.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## SubVet10

This year I am missing German food the most. The place in Disney Springs has the best. I think it's the wurst.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## trc65

What's a dung beetles' favorite writing utensil ? 

A number 2 pencil.

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Eric Rorabaugh

I can attest to the pepper spray...it SUCKS!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## SENC

Funniest Thanksgiving meme I received...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## SubVet10

SENC said:


> View attachment 196708


Everyone wonders why Sailors are quiet: until they start talking.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## SubVet10

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> I can attest to the pepper spray...it SUCKS!


I got sprayed in the summer. Started sweating on the drive home and had to pull off on to the shoulder for a few minutes because it re-flashed. Luckily the same did not happen in the shower.


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 9


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 9 | Way Cool 1


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## phinds

* COMPARATIVE LINGUISTICS:*

Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13

SubVet10 said:


> I got sprayed in the summer. Started sweating on the drive home and had to pull off on to the shoulder for a few minutes because it re-flashed. Luckily the same did not happen in the shower.



Dare I ask why you were sprayed?

Reactions: Agree 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds

ripjack13 said:


> Dare I ask why you were sprayed?


Shoot. I thought he said spayed. That sounded more like something in a joke thread.

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds

Mom: "I think we should buy an encyclopedia for Junior."
Dad: "Why can't he just walk to school like I did?"

Reactions: Funny 6


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## SubVet10

ripjack13 said:


> Dare I ask why you were sprayed?


Security training for Uncle Sam.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1 | Sincere 1


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## SubVet10

phinds said:


> * COMPARATIVE LINGUISTICS:*
> 
> View attachment 197155


ja, ja, ganz gut mein Herr


----------



## phinds

SubVet10 said:


> Security training for Uncle Sam.


Actually, that makes spayed even more likely

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Maverick



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## Maverick



Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 2


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## Maverick



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## Gdurfey

phinds said:


> View attachment 197214



I say something similar with the weather channel's Jim Cantore shows up....if you see him in your front yard, you in trouble!!!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Maverick

phinds said:


> View attachment 197214




And don't forget he had Covid while in Australia, so probably not a wise choice in a travel companion.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## phinds

Canadian protests and riots as explained by @Kenbo

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5


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## phinds

The latest from Fox News:

Do not install anti-virus software on your computer, as it will likely become autistic. 
Instead, let it catch a virus or two and it will develop its own immunity.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## Kenbo

I laughed way too hard at this one.

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 5 | Sincere 1


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## ripjack13



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## SubVet10

phinds said:


> Actually, that makes spayed even more likely


If I was in the Coast Guard, yes.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Maverick

Didn’t know Winnie was such a politician

Reactions: Funny 1 | Informative 1


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## phinds

Maverick said:


> Didn’t know Winnie was such a politician


Winnie is the top one. The bottom one is his uncle Edgar.


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## phinds

Macro Economics 101 in the time of Covid:

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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> View attachment 197462



As we get older, even finding Finnish Strippers in those images is a challenge...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Alan R McDaniel Jr

If someone was there long enough to take that picture, ... there are no Finish snipers....


Alan

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 3


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## ripjack13

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 197296



Fascinating.....are there no Trekkies among us?

Reactions: Like 3


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## phinds

ripjack13 said:


> Fascinating.....are there no Trekkies among us?


I would ask what a Trekkie is but I'm afraid that would be carrying it too far and would make your head explode.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

phinds said:


> I would ask what a Trekkie is but I'm afraid that would be carrying it too far and would make your head explode.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## SENC

ripjack13 said:


> Fascinating.....are there no Trekkies among us?


Yeah, but flying octopus on Sulu made no sense.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Nubsnstubs

ripjack13 said:


> Fascinating.....are there no Trekkies among us?


Don't like tweety pies. ...................Jerry (in Tucson)


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## ripjack13

SENC said:


> Yeah, but flying octopus on Sulu made no sense.



That does it. I'm going home....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Awe poop. I am home....

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## trc65

Beam me up Scotty!

Reactions: Like 1


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## eaglea1

ripjack13 said:


> Fascinating.....are there no Trekkies among us?


Live long and prosper Marc!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mr. Peet

SENC said:


> View attachment 197603



Took a second look, to get the jist. I saw two rabbits laughing, assumed high, peaking at each other around the base of a bowl. Then I saw a camel jocky sitting on a camel that was laying down on the top of the stem/tube...?.. or was it half eagle and half dragon..?..

Reactions: Creative 1


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## vegas urban lumber

Mr. Peet said:


> Took a second look, to get the jist. I saw two rabbits laughing, assumed high, peaking at each other around the base of a bowl. Then I saw a camel jocky sitting on a camel that was laying down on the top of the stem/tube...?.. or was it half eagle and half dragon..?..


you might need to ease up on the mushrooms

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## Mr. Peet

vegas urban lumber said:


> you might need to ease up on the mushrooms



Haven't had any since September, maybe that is the issue... Don't find many here this time of year.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mandolin

2 rednecks were riding down a backroad in their pickup when they passed a farmers house. The farmer had his prized hog in a pen close to the road. The rednecks decided to steal the hog so they stopped, jumped the fence and grabbed the hog. They threw the hog in the front of the truck and took off with the hog sitting between them. They turned off several times to make sure nobody was following them and wound up on the highway. They topped the hill and there was the highway patrol set up checking drivers license. They had no choice so they stopped, knowing they was caught. Ol state trooper walked up to the truck and asked the driver “What’s yo name, boy?” Driver said, “Henry Johnson.” He looked at the passenger and said, “What’s yo name, boy?” Passenger said “Leroy. Leroy Johnson. I’m his brother.” He looked at the hog and said “What’s yo name, boy?” Ol hog said “Oink!” Ol trooper said “Awright. You boys git on outta here. Don’t let me see y’all round her no more!” They drove away. Ol trooper walked back over to his partner, shaking his head. “You know I done seen a lotta things in my time, but that Oink Johnson is one ugly son of a gun!”

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. 
The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded."
The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon shut them up when he said, "You're all wrong. 
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. 
There's no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine. 
Plus, the head and the butt are interchangeable..."

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 7


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 3 | Sincere 1


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## JerseyHighlander

Mr. Peet said:


> As we get older, even finding Finnish Strippers in those images is a challenge...


I don't know, the Finnish Strippers start glowing red after just a short time in that environment. Not telling how I know this.

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 3


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## JerseyHighlander

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 197663


I can't decide if this is funny or sad...

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## woodman6415



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## Mr. Peet

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 197765



I had just learned last night about the term Karen in its modern use. Seeing it here makes it more real for me.


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## Mike Hill

I think the term has evolved and expanded a little. Originally, another word was used that started with a B. No - not that one, but it would fit well! Becky. Now, it's taken on a whole new meaning.

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds

Vaccines for Covid 19 are being delivered today.

For those who desire heard immunity, an audio version of the vaccine can be downloaded.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## phinds



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## phinds

I finally ran a few miles yesterday, beating my friend on a bet, and now I can barely stand and walk. The thrill of victory and the agony of de feet.

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## phinds



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## phinds

I KNEW a guy who was just like Dogbert. He kept writing checks my tech groups couldn't cash.

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## phinds

What the engineering consultant said:
Well, considering the budget limitations you've put on this project, we'll have to forgo most of the fancy stuff, so it isn't going to be sexy at all. As for the schedule, we should be able to finish it in about 3 months but it will take another month of testing before it will be ready for the customer. And don't forget we have to meet with the customer reps by the first of next month to make sure we're all on the same page for the project specs, otherwise the schedule will probably slip if there are significant changes.

What the marketing guy heard:
This sexy new product will be ready by the first of next month.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## phinds

It’s crazy how beavers just see running water and just think to themselves *“well someone has to put a stop to this”. *

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> What the engineering consultant said:
> Well, considering the budget limitations you've put on this project, we'll have to forgo most of the fancy stuff, so it isn't going to be sexy at all. As for the schedule, we should be able to finish it in about 3 months but it will take another month of testing before it will be ready for the customer. And don't forget we have to meet with the customer reps by the first of next month to make sure we're all on the same page for the project specs, otherwise the schedule will probably slip if there are significant changes.
> 
> What the marketing guy heard:
> This sexy new product will be ready by the first of next month.


That is soooo funny and true that it is downright painful You can interchange the term marketing guy with several including building owner, company owner, wife........etc.....errrrr......uh-oh, now I gots to go hide for a while!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 1


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## Mike Hill



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## Eric Rorabaugh

Thats the truth right there

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## Tom Smart

POO PDLR needs to be on some, maybe most, politician’s cars.

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## Tom Smart



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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1 | Sincere 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | EyeCandy! 2 | Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## phinds

Tom Smart said:


>


That's not small town Texas, it's small town USA.

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## phinds



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## Nubsnstubs

phinds said:


> View attachment 198424


It's a shame there aren't better reactions to insert here. Maybe one of her head exploding, or her 6 week puzzle crashing down. I'm glad I'm an old man and won't be around to see her make 50 years in politics. That thought is what's gonna kill me....... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1


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## Tom Smart

phinds said:


> View attachment 198424


It should say “If I’m so dumb, how did I get people to vote for me....twice.”

It is those who have elected her who are the dumb ones.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Tom Smart

Enough about politics. Back to our regularly scheduled banter/jokes.

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## phinds

Merry Xmas 2020

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## JerseyHighlander

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 198414


Alright. Who's the dirty old man that clicked the "eye candy" for this one???

Reactions: Funny 1


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## JerseyHighlander

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 198171


I have to wonder how many city slickers and suburbanites know what that truck is...


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## phinds

JerseyHighlander said:


> I have to wonder how many city slickers and suburbanites know what that truck is...


Oh, I think they get the idea.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Hill

My first project after matriculating and gradiduating from that primo university in College Station was a large wastewater treatment plant in Nashville. I was moved here to manage that project. I did not get to pick where my office was or what it overlooked, but I got the lucky pick of the dice I guess. My office window overlooked the dumping station (no pun intended - but is a very exact description of the process) for these trucks. At the time there were no pipe hookups, they just opened a valve and let it flow. I enjoyed 2 years of that. Lets just say it took 3 years for that smell to get out of my clothes, my car, etc..... But I R a corntractor!

Reactions: Funny 2 | +Karma 1 | Informative 1


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## Mr. Peet

JerseyHighlander said:


> Alright. Who's the dirty old man that clicked the "eye candy" for this one???



I had recently showered and consider myself middle aged. Oh, did you see there were words with that picture...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Wildthings

Mike Hill said:


> My first project after matriculating and gradiduating from that primo university in College Station was a large wastewater treatment plant in Nashville. I was moved here to manage that project. I did not get to pick where my office was or what it overlooked, but I got the lucky pick of the dice I guess. My office window overlooked the dumping station (no pun intended - but is a very exact description of the process) for these trucks. At the time there were no pipe hookups, they just opened a valve and let it flow. I enjoyed 2 years of that. Lets just say it took 3 years for that smell to get out of my clothes, my car, etc..... But I R a corntractor!


Hey Mike my granddaughter, on last Friday, quit being a student at that primo university. She is now an alumni cuz she graduated!!!

Reactions: Like 2 | Way Cool 2 | Sincere 1


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## Mike Hill

Wildthings said:


> Hey Mike my granddaughter, on last Friday, quit being a student at that primo university. She is now an alumni cuz she graduated!!!


Oh wow! Good on her!! No longer a dead elephant! Bet some people busted a few buttons off their shirts!

Reactions: Like 2


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## Gdurfey

Wildthings said:


> Hey Mike my granddaughter, on last Friday, quit being a student at that primo university. She is now an alumni cuz she graduated!!!


Barry, congrats on the pay raise!!!!!!!!!!!! Garry, '83

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## Mike Hill

'78 was better!!! Anybody ever go to Lakeview?

Reactions: Sincere 1


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## phinds

Dumpster fire, rendered in wood and brought to you by the year 2020

Reactions: Like 5 | EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 2


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## woodman6415



Reactions: Funny 6 | Creative 1


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## barry richardson



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## T. Ben



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7 | Informative 1


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## Maverick

.

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## Mr. Peet

Maverick said:


> .
> 
> View attachment 198608



Not in our house. Wife got AT&T bill yesterday, due date was yesterday. Turns out it was sent Dec 11th from GA. In PA, the shortest legal mailing bill cycle is 15 days, so from the 11th equals Dec 26th. Turn's out, AT&T don't care, they make their own rules.


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## phinds

Maverick said:


> .


Reminds me of my belief about electronic money transfers ... A bank transfer (to PayPal for example) COULD travel at the speed of electricity (almost the speed of light) but instead it travels at the speed of bureaucracy ... slower than mud.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## phinds

Mr. Peet said:


> Not in our house. Wife got AT&T bill yesterday, due date was yesterday. Turns out it was sent Dec 11th from GA. In PA, the shortest legal mailing bill cycle is 15 days, so from the 11th equals Dec 26th. Turn's out, AT&T don't care, they make their own rules.


Yeah, I just got a credit card bill for which the cc company dunned me a week ago by email as overdue. Covid has really screwed up the mail this year what with carriers out sick and people sending more gifts by mail than they normally would because they can't deliver them in person, AND people ordering more stuff online because they don't want to go to the store.

I give a lot of credit to the carriers. They are doing their best in trying times.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## drycreek

We had a package that was being delivered from 165 miles away in GA it traveled from Kennesaw, GA to Memphis, Tn five round trips before heading south to us from Birmingham. Over 4000 miles and 16 days to go just 165 miles.

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 1


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## Maverick

Seemed appropriate to repost this from a post I did back in May over in the What’s in the Mail thread:

Sooooo, this story is what is NOT in the mail. I was expecting a package from @TimR yesterday that left his house in Blairsville GA on Thursday May 7th and was supposed to be delivered in La Mirada, CA on Monday May 11th. Tracking was showing it on schedule until yesterday when it changed to "late arrival" but was still showing delivered by 8:00 PM my time. Eight PM came and went with no delivery. Checked tracking....Ohhhh, it just left Raleigh NC at 9:23 PM last night. So out of curiosity, I looked up how far it is from Blairsville to Raleigh. Shortest route says 363 miles AND not only that, it is is in the opposite direction, i.e. it went East approximately 360 miles before it turned around and headed West. So again out of curiosity, and nothing better to do, I looked to see how fast the Pony Express traveled in their day and found this little tidbit.

"In May 1860, Robert “Pony Bob” Haslam took off on the most legendary ride in Pony Express history. The 20-year-old was scheduled to make his usual 75-mile run from Friday’s Station east to Buckland Station in Nevada. Upon arriving at Buckland, however, he found that his relief rider was petrified of the Paiute Indians, who had been attacking stations along the route. When the other man refused to take the mail, Haslam jumped back in the saddle and rode on, eventually completing a 190-mile run before delivering his mochilla at Smith’s Creek. After a brief rest, he mounted a fresh horse and retraced his steps all the way back to Friday’s Station, at one point passing a relay outpost that had been burned by the Paiutes. _By the time he finally returned to his home station, “Pony Bob” had traveled 380 miles in less than 40 hours—a Pony Express record."_

To summarize, the Pony Express rider traveled 380 miles in a day and a half but 160 years later, it took the USPS 4 days to travel 360 miles in the wrong direction. So if you are wondering why the USPS is having so much financial problems, we now have proof they are slower than the Pony Express who were only in operation for 19 months.

Hope everyone has a great day and gets their mail when expected....but good luck with that.

Reactions: Like 2


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## trc65

We have received all our expected gifts but one, some tools that are part of a gift to me. They have been sitting in Ohio since December 4. No big deal, Christmas is here, most of the family is here and healthy, and we will all be together tomorrow.

Sister is more than a little upset though. She has sent eleven boxes to her son (and DIL and 5 grandkids) and the only one they got was the one she sent last Friday. The others were sent on various days, all before Dec 10. They have been sitting in Omaha, and will probably still be there until sometime next year. 

The kids will understand though, and be happy as Christmas will be extended for several days (weeks). Tomorrow morning when they get to video chat with MeMaw and Papa, everything will be fine!

Reactions: Sincere 3


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## woodtickgreg

Recently I had ordered something in Ebay that came as the wrong size. Seller was great and immediately issued a return pick up label. I dropped the item off at the post office on December 8th. Tracking showed it sat in Los Angeles California for a couple of weeks, was finally delivered on December 22 with a notation that it was left at the front door. So most places where shutting down early on the 22nd for the Holliday weekend, I'm still waiting for my credit to be issued from the seller, if they got the package.


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## phinds



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## woodman6415



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## trc65



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## phinds

I vaguely remember reading some Tom Swift novels in my youth but I don't remember any of these "Tom Swifties". Some of them took me a moment to get.

I've had my left and right ventricles removed, said Tom, halfheartedly.
My hair's been cut off, said Tom, distressfully.
Where did you get this meat, asked Tom, hoarsely.
You dropped a stick, Tom needled.
Blow on the fire so it doesn't go out, Tom bellowed.
I can't believe we lost the election by only two votes, Tom recounted.
I'm losing my hair, Tom Bawled.
Thanks for shredding the cheese, said Tom, gratefully.
I've located the Dog Star, said Tom, seriously.
You look like a goat, Tom kidded.
I used to own that gold mine, Tom exclaimed.
No thanks to that Frenchman, said Tom, mercilessly.
You're not a real magician at all, said Tom, disillusioned.
I've never had a car accident, said Tom, recklessly.

and my favorite:

That's the last time I'll pet a lion, said Tom, offhandedly.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## woodman6415



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## Tom Smart



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## Tom Smart



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## Mr. Peet

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 198742



They are both wrong, 1, clearly cut in a zig-zag stacking pattern to create separation and content among viewers.

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## phinds



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## Tom Smart



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## Tom Smart



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## Nubsnstubs

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 198742


A clever play with lines. .......... Jerry (in Tucson)


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## Nubsnstubs

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 198760


That is funniest thing I've seen or heard all day. All these years of hearing that line, "The sky is falling" from a chicken, and it has now been revised to fit the times. New modern fairy tales. Look for those types of analysis on others now that some are "woke". .......... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds

They guys over at the Physics Forums have heard of Swifties, and in short order added the following.

I dropped my toothpaste, said Tom, crestfallen.
When asked what is the best way to cook eggs, Tom scrambled to reply.
Ein, zwei, drei, fünf, said Tom fearlessly.
That's chemistry!, Tom retorted.

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds



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## phinds



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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3 | Creative 1


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## Maverick

.

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## phinds



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## DLJeffs

I certainly hope the clock on Paul's computer is messed up, or the Wood Barter clock is messed up, because otherwise Paul is awake and posting jokes at 4:43am in the morning.


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## phinds

DLJeffs said:


> I certainly hope the clock on Paul's computer is messed up, or the Wood Barter clock is messed up, because otherwise Paul is awake and posting jokes at 4:43am in the morning.


Not recently, but it happens. That one is 7:43. Maybe the confusion is because you are in Oregon and I'm in NY ?


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## Wildthings

DLJeffs said:


> I certainly hope the clock on Paul's computer is messed up, or the Wood Barter clock is messed up, because otherwise Paul is awake and posting jokes at 4:43am in the morning.





phinds said:


> Not recently, but it happens. That one is 7:43. Maybe the confusion is because you are in Oregon and I'm in NY ?


Yep I'm in the central zone and it shows 6:43 am which equates


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodman6415



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## Nubsnstubs

Brad lived in California and was a lifelong environmentalist. He was sick of the world; of Covid-19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.

Four days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brad from the car.

A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition . . . but his Tesla had a dead battery. Brad is a registered California Democrat.

.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6


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## phinds

I went to the zoo the other day, and they had a croissant in a cage. The sign said it was bread in captivity.

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## DLJeffs

That made me think of Steven Wright, the deadpan standup comic....

Reactions: Like 1 | Sincere 2


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## Nubsnstubs

........... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1 | EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 10


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## Mike Hill



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## phinds

Reminds me of the old saying that before I've had my morning coffee, everybody is a total a-hole and AFTER I've had my morning coffee, everybody is still and a-hole BUT I'VE HAD MY COFFEE !

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

woodman6415 said:


> View attachment 198877


I might have another project. Building on the right, past those trees is a building built quite a few decades ago. At the time some supersalesman was going through Nashville selling "glue on brick". Well, either the Architect or building owner was carnially challenged, and they bit and bought the "glue on brick". Well a few years later the "glue on brick" started falling off. The company I was working for at the time was highly politically connected and the building owner contracted us to replace the "glue on brick" with normal brick and EIFS. After the explosion it appears that the brick need to be replaced again. Now, that project took longer than it should. If you notice to the left is a Hooters sign - well that is because it is a Hooters. On top of the Hooters building there exists a wood deck where some of the Hooters girls would go to sun tan (may still do for all I know) - and well since you cannot get a tan through clothing, they had remove some of that clothing to get a good tan. Suffice to say, work stopped on my project when the deck was busy.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2 | Way Cool 1


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## DLJeffs

The El Segundo Refinery (just south of LAX airport) has a large earthen berm surrounding it, especially on the west side, which abuts the beach. The little town of El Porto cuts a notch out of the southwest corner. There are several apartment buildings in El Porto, all two stories high with roof top decks. All about the same height as the berm around the refinery. The flight attendants from LAX rented some of these for their short term layovers in LA (they called them flop houses). They'd sunbath on the roof, often topless. The operators would often report on the radio when the stewardesses were out there "Um, hey Bill, I think it's time to check the perimeter road". Next thing you'd know, there'd be four or five pickup trucks parked on the berm.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## phinds

We all laughed in psychology class at how dumb Pavlov's dog was.
Then the bell rang and we all went to lunch.

Reactions: Funny 6 | +Karma 1


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## DLJeffs

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose = 2 geese. So one moose = 2 meese? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## phinds

DLJeffs said:


> If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose = 2 geese. So one moose = 2 meese?

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

DLJeffs said:


> If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose = 2 geese. So one moose = 2 meese? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
> 
> If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
> 
> Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?


Sounds a little like that watermelon smashing dude, Gallagher! He had a skit similar.

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13

phinds said:


>



I love listening to him. He is a crack up. My face hurts now.

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## phinds

ripjack13 said:


> I love listening to him. He is a crack up.


Yeah, me too. He had one skit where he talked about doing "activities" as a kid and I could hardly breath I was laughing so hard.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## ripjack13

Maverick said:


> .
> 
> View attachment 199420



Lol. Thats because people are finally being clean. Washing hands, not spraying spit on others when they talk. 
Just watch after this farce, those two will be back....

Reactions: Agree 2


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## DLJeffs

ripjack13 said:


> Lol. Thats because people are finally being clean. Washing hands, not spraying spit on others when they talk.
> Just watch after this farce, those two will be back....


They never left. I still get notices from Medicare that it's not too late to get a flu shot. It's we only hear what the mass media wants us to hear.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## vegas urban lumber

DLJeffs said:


> They never left. I still get notices from Medicare that it's not too late to get a flu shot. It's we only hear what the mass media wants us to hear.











What happened to the flu? Here’s why influenza spread is way down this season


Flu activity is so low that the CDC doesn’t have enough data to provide annual estimates for the 2020-2021 season.




www.yahoo.com





article discussing this very matter


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## phinds



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## Maverick

.

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## phinds

Wirus electricalis

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## vegas urban lumber

phinds said:


> Wirus electricalis


i beg to differ, with a close up inspection of difuse pourus parchenem it is clearly wirus telephonicus

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Mr. Peet

I believe both share a common name, 'Rainbow tree'.

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## DLJeffs

I'm going to need a close up, correctly colored, sanded to 4000 grit photo of the end grain, cross grain, sideways grain in order to make an accurate identification. Or you can just wait until the cable company shows up and presents you with a bill.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## phinds

DLJeffs said:


> I'm going to need a close up, correctly colored, sanded to 4000 grit photo of the end grain, cross grain, sideways grain in order to make an accurate identification. Or you can just wait until the cable company shows up and presents you with a bill.


For this post we need a combination "like" and "hilarious".

Reactions: Agree 4


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## Mike Hill

Maverick said:


> .
> 
> View attachment 199650


It's rather challenging to live in a world with such divisive and sharp differences. While y'all are laughing - I'm mourning! I guess there is a profound difference between standing on the lip of the ditch with no skin in the game and having to write a check to pay for something like this! Let's just say I have some intimacy with similar situations. In other words - I've got those stripes on my back! LOL. Particularly fun was a time one of my guys nicked a 10" pressurized fire line around a hospital with a tooth of his track hoe. Old Faithful had nothing on that geyser! At least 150' after the pump kicked in!!!!


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## eaglea1

@phinds , @Mr. Peet , if you look closer at the end grains you would see that it's definitely a Frayus Wireus tree. These were 
the kind of trees that us electricians tried to avoid at all cost.

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## vegas urban lumber

eaglea1 said:


> @phinds , @Mr. Peet , if you look closer at the end grains you would see that it's definitely a Frayus Wireus tree. These were
> the kind of trees that us electricians tried to avoid at all cost.


we will definitely need a 6000000x magnification end grain shot, sanded to infinity grit in order to sort this out, i'll stand my earlier assessment till then.

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## trc65



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## Tom Smart

Ahhhh....squirrels.....again.

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## Mike Hill

Just to notify everyone who needs to know - I've been browsing some old shows of Chuck Norris. I've come to the conclusion that Chuck Norris never manscaped! That conclusion leads me to the decision that I will never either! There I said it!

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## Don Ratcliff

Mike Hill said:


> Just to notify everyone who needs to know - I've been browsing some old shows of Chuck Norris. I've come to the conclusion that Chuck Norris never manscaped! That conclusion leads me to the decision that I will never either! There I said it!


Nobody... Nobody needs to know that... Ever... I now know it and I cannot get it out of my head which is just wrong. It is like having a scar on the brain that cannot ever heal. Good God man, this is a family site. You gone and broke it...

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## Mr. Peet

Don Ratcliff said:


> Nobody... Nobody needs to know that... Ever... I now know it and I cannot get it out of my head which is just wrong. It is like having a scar on the brain that cannot ever heal. Good God man, this is a family site. You gone and broke it...



In Chuck's day, manscaped was shaving your face and combing the hair on your head. Today, well, let's just say things were better then for most things.

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## Tom Smart



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds

The latest from the conspiracy theorists.

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## Nubsnstubs

*Two guys, one old, one young,* *are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart* *when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,* *"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,* *and I guess I* *wasn't paying attention to where I was going."* 
*The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a* *coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little* *desperate."* 
*The old guy says,* *"Well, maybe I can help you find her...* *what does she look like?"* 
*The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,* *with red hair,* *blue eyes, is buxom,* *long legs, and is* *wearing short shorts.* 
*What does* *your* *wife look like?'* 
*To which the old guy says, "Doesn't* *matter,* *--- let's look for yours."*
.......... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 12


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## phinds



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## DLJeffs



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## Mike Hill

With my $600 I'm buying a small spread with a lake beside my cabin.........

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## Tom Smart



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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## SENC

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 200890


I just don't see the problem, Tom.

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## Nubsnstubs

...... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## phinds



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## phinds



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## DLJeffs



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## phinds



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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

The importance of how we phrase things... oops

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## Wildthings

Maverick said:


> The importance of how we phrase things... oops
> 
> View attachment 201340


That's downright hilarious!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Don Ratcliff

I realize it's the same picture in both ads but it's almost like his smile is bigger and with more pride in the first one

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2 | Creative 1


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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

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## Mike Hill

Maverick said:


> The importance of how we phrase things... oops
> 
> View attachment 201340


Let's eat Grandma! Oooppsss - left out the punctuation. Let's eat, Grandma!

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## phinds



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## Maverick

T-Shirts my wife got me for my Bday

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## Mr. Peet

Maverick said:


> T-Shirts my wife got me for my Bday
> 
> View attachment 201414
> 
> View attachment 201415
> 
> View attachment 201416



You know, if you had a regular toilet, you would not need to clothe your Bday.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Maverick

Mr. Peet said:


> You know, if you had a regular toilet, you would not need to clothe your Bday.



LOL, gotta admit that one took me a minute to get. Nice play on words.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Nubsnstubs

Maverick said:


> LOL, gotta admit that one took me a minute to get. Nice play on words.


Well. for me it's been over 10 minutes, and I'm still confused............... Jerry (in In Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 2 | +Karma 1


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## Maverick

Sound out Bday like ‘bidet’.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mr. Peet

Maverick said:


> Sound out Bday like ‘bidet’.


He's where they speak Spanish, not Frog.

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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 7 | +Karma 1


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## phinds



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## ripjack13

Did you know, If you say the word "gullible", slowly, it sounds like the word oranges.

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## Nubsnstubs

Mr. Peet said:


> He's where they speak Spanish, not Frog.


Yeah, butt, my heritage is Cajun Frog. Never learned it, though...... Jerry (in Tucson) in ban~yo country.......

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## phinds



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## DLJeffs

This is supposed to be from 1955. Interesting, even back then, the feds, state, city and railroad accounted for almost half the cost of gasoline. I find it interesting that the government found a commodity that people cannot live their current lifestyle without, and tax the bejeebers out of it, and no one seems to complain.

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## Mike Hill

ripjack13 said:


> Did you know, If you say the word "gullible", slowly, it sounds like the word oranges.


HuH?

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Hill

DLJeffs said:


> This is supposed to be from 1955. Interesting, even back then, the feds, state, city and railroad accounted for almost half the cost of gasoline. I find it interesting that the government found a commodity that people cannot live their current lifestyle without, and tax the bejeebers out of it, and no one seems to complain.
> 
> View attachment 201872


Me thinks that must be either the wrong coast or the wronger coast! Not sure about 1955 - that is one year before I was born, but by about 8 years old, when dad started working for Sears, gasoline was 13 cents, at the Sears pumps, regularly and during a gas war 11 cents. My first gas I paid for with my own money was 26 cents. Man, that seemed high back then. That's about what I made per hour!

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## Nubsnstubs

I did some quick math. Might be dangerous, but, in 1961, from Orange California to Mamou, Louisiana, with gas being an average of 15 cents per gallon because of all the gas wars, across what is the current I-10 and I-20 routes, vehicle getting 15 mpg, it cost $17.72 cents to travel 1772 miles..... That's 1 cent per mile. Today, that same trip cost $265.79 at 14 cents per mile.....Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 4 | Way Cool 1


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## woodman6415



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## DLJeffs

Nubsnstubs said:


> I did some quick math. Might be dangerous, but, in 1961, from Orange California to Mamou, Louisiana, with gas being an average of 15 cents per gallon because of all the gas wars, across what is the current I-10 and I-20 routes, vehicle getting 15 mpg, it cost $17.72 cents to travel 1772 miles..... That's 1 cent per mile. Today, that same trip cost $265.79 at 14 cents per mile.....Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 5


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## Nubsnstubs

DLJeffs said:


> View attachment 201912


That's me without the beard and all those letters flying around. I'm a 2+2 type of guy, and sometimes I'll even subtract things...... Too many things going on that I can't concentrate on the job at hand....... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## DLJeffs

Reminds me of the time we found this young high school girl working the counter at A&W Root Beer. We gave her our best Clint Eastwood scowl and asked if she had black cows. Her eyes got big, she just stared at us, and then ran to get her manager. She wasn't happy when she was told what a black cow was. Thankfully, someone else got us our meal and root beer floats.

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## T. Ben



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## FranklinWorkshops

All about wine and such

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## Lou Currier



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## ripjack13

Ok. No more political funnies peeps. As funny as they may be. We need to cut it off here.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Nubsnstubs

ripjack13 said:


> Ok. No more political funnies peeps. As funny as they may be. We need to cut it off here.


Marck, I was wondering if it would set off the political no no alarm. Thanks....... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## ripjack13

Nubsnstubs said:


> Marck, I was wondering if it would set off the political no no alarm. Thanks....... Jerry (in Tucson)



There's been some complaints about em too. 
I see enough crap on the gun forums I run and fakebook. 
Let's keep this forum good clean fun....

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## phinds



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## trc65



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## T. Ben

trc65 said:


> View attachment 202594


And now she’s suing gorilla glue.


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## Tom Smart

Looks as though those eye lashes might have had a dab as well.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds

Pre-surgery, the doc offered to knock the patient out with either anesthetic gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether-oar situation.

My wife says I never listen to her. Or something like that.

I want to grow my own food but I can't find any bacon seeds.

Will glass coffins every be popular? Remains to be seen.

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes laughing stock. Now that's humerus.

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## phinds



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## phinds

I grew up with Bob Hope, Steve Jobs, and Johnny Cash. Now there's no jobs, no cash and no hope.

Please don't let anything happen to Kevin Bacon

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## Mike Hill

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

And the best one of all:

12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'​

Reactions: Funny 10


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## ripjack13

Mike Hill said:


> On the subject of Colonoscopies...
> 
> Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
> 
> 1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
> 
> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
> 
> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
> 
> 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
> 
> 5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
> 
> 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
> 
> 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
> 
> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
> 
> 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
> 
> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
> 
> 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
> 
> And the best one of all:
> 
> 12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'​



I had my first one last year. I told the doc the same thing as the 1st line....she had agood laugh..

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## Lou Currier



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## Nubsnstubs

For all you fishermen out there. 


.......... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## DLJeffs

Got about two inches today, by Sunday supposed to be about 6 - 8 inches. The mountains supposed to get 3 feet. We need it, snow pack is only around 80%.

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Wildthings

Dat rite dere is funny!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Lou Currier

DLJeffs said:


> Got about two inches today, by Sunday supposed to be about 6 - 8 inches. The mountains supposed to get 3 feet. We need it, snow pack is only around 80%.


Our snow pack was light this year too

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## eaglea1

We're gettin excited around here because of the expected high for Sat should be around 4 degrees with a wind chill of minus 10 for the 
start of sturgeon spearing. Gonna be downright BALMY ! Woohoo...

Reactions: Like 1 | Sincere 1


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## phinds

Jeez, people. You had ONE thing to do. Just ONE THING!!!

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## phinds

Husband is sitting in his den throwing darts at a picture of his wife but not a single hit. The wife asks from another room, "what are you up to sweetie?" Man replies "Just missing you darling". Isn't English great?

Reactions: Funny 7


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## phinds

Dear IT Support,

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

A shareware beta-program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Free*** Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.

Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail Lady Gaga filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no helpfiles and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.

Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processing that also drains my resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.

When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT program it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2001, but there could be problems: a friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2001 it tends to delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Please can you help me.

Joe

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7 | Sincere 1


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## eaglea1

I hate those hi tech problems, call IT support.


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## ripjack13

This will be the 1st year in the last 10 years that I don't run the Boston Marathon due to Covid. Kind of disappointing. I mean the other 9 years I didn't run it because I really don't exercise much and I've never actually run in any kind of marathon so I doubt I could finish it in any reasonable time, but yea, this year it's just not the same.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 12


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## vegas urban lumber

ripjack13 said:


> This will be the 1st year in the last 10 years that I don't run the Boston Marathon due to Covid. Kind of disappointing. I mean the other 9 years I didn't run it because I really don't exercise much and I've never actually run in any kind of marathon so I doubt I could finish it in any reasonable time, but yea, this year it's just not the same.


slacker

Reactions: Like 1


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## trc65

You can do what they've been doing for all the races around here. You run it by yourself, time yourself, and upload a short video of yourself running. A so called "virtual" race.

Just a hint though Marc, for somebody in your age group and fitness level, you probably shouldn't claim a time much under 8 hours or so for your virtual race  .

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## vegas urban lumber

trc65 said:


> You can do what they've been doing for all the races around here. You run it by yourself, time yourself, and upload a short video of yourself running. A so called "virtual" race.
> 
> Just a hint though Marc, for somebody in your age group and fitness level, you probably shouldn't claim a time much under 8 hours or so for your virtual race  .


i see a world record in Marc's virtual future

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## DLJeffs

I've already claimed 7 gold medals and 11 world records without leaving my recliner.

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## phinds

It's been pretty cold here in NY lately but it could be worse. I could be in Finland

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## phinds



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## Nubsnstubs

> *IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF WONDERFUL TRIVIA..............
> ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
> HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON,
> "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
> BUT, JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
> MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
> HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS ..
> OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT,
> BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
> ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT Mr.* Gorsky *TO ARMSTRONG.
> THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE HIS MR. GORSKY HAD JUST DIED,SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. HERE IS THE ANSWER TO
> "WHO WAS MR. GORSKY":
> IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.
> HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
> AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY,
> "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
> It broke the place up.* * NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THAT THIS IS A TRUE STORY.*​





> ............ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## SENC



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## Maverick

.

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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

Ok, what is this?

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## Mike Hill



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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 203990
> 
> Ok, what is this?



Lemon aids

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2 | Funny 1 | Informative 1


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## Nubsnstubs

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, _'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: When you get Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'_

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, _'Barb you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'_

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, _'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it'_, asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. _'Who is it?'

'Barb - it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,'_ insisted the voice.

_'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,'_ replied Rose. _'I have some really good news and a little bad news'

'Tell me the good news first,'_ said Barb.

_'The good news,'_ Rose said, _'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all yo again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' _said Barb. _'It's beyond my wild dreams! So what's the bad news?'_

*'You're pitching Tuesday.'*
........... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5 | +Karma 1


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## DLJeffs

I'm an engineer so don't nobody claim I'm discriminating or being a bully or something...

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to
him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog -- now that's cool."

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Gdurfey

DLJeffs said:


> I'm an engineer so don't nobody claim I'm discriminating or being a bully or something...
> 
> An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to
> him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
> 
> The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
> 
> The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
> 
> Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
> 
> Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
> 
> The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog -- now that's cool."


As another engineer, I saw that one coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## DLJeffs

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## Sprung



Reactions: Funny 8


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## phinds



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## Mike Hill

My version of rock and roll!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> My version of rock and roll!
> View attachment 204434





I would have went with Cramer

Reactions: Funny 1


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## DLJeffs



Reactions: Funny 7 | Informative 1


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## Mike Hill

Boy, that is a blast from the past. He certainly had a lot to do with how the Nashville Music Scene sounded like in the past. And although some of the 2-step dance bands of my youth played some of his stuff, It generally wasn't what my crowd liked and listened to, When I moved to Nashville, I was introduced to the difference between Texas County Western and the Country music of Nashville. No 2-step dance halls here. Had a boss that owned a honky-tonk downtown for awhile and would allow studio musicians and songwriters to play on the stage. I got to hear him live one time.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 3


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6 | Sincere 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

At least he spelled Mississippi correctly! I guess this is valid voter ID in some states.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Don Ratcliff

A Blond heard that putting milk on your skin keeps you looking younger so she drove to a dairy farm and asked the farmer for enough milk to fill a bathtub so she could stay looking younger. The farmer asked the blond, "do you want the milk pasteurized?" The blond responded, "no, it will only go up to my chin."

Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13

Mike Hill said:


> At least he spelled Mississippi correctly! I guess this is valid voter ID in some states.
> View attachment 204807



That's one them 2 for 1 deals by the dmv....

Reactions: Funny 5


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## woodtickgreg

A Detroit parking lot!

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mr. Peet

woodtickgreg said:


> A Detroit parking lot!
> View attachment 204952


Very nice to see they are becoming more polite in their actions. Previously, they would have just left the car suspension / body right on the ground. Must be a good resale market on the rims and wheels to "write off" the jack stands.


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8 | Informative 1


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## Mike Hill

Ok, the softball has been lobbed.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

I'm a social vegan
I avoid meet.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

Finally,
All my winter fat is about gone.
Now, I will just have to deal with my spring rolls!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

Think about it for awhile

Shouldn't cookies really be called bakies?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 8


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> Think about it for awhile
> 
> Shouldn't cookies really be called bakies?


I believe those with hemp are called bakies...

Reactions: Funny 1 | Informative 1


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## Tom Smart

Universal Laws
1.Law of Mechanical Repair -After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. 
2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone with whom you don't want to be seen. 
8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
9.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13.Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug
14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16.The 50-50-90 Law - Whenever there's a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong.
17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 5 | Great Post 3 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Tom Smart said:


> Universal Laws
> 1.Law of Mechanical Repair -After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
> 2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
> 3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
> 4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
> 5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
> 6.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
> 7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone with whom you don't want to be seen.
> 8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
> 9.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
> 10.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
> 11.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
> 12.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
> 13.Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug
> 14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
> 15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
> 16.The 50-50-90 Law - Whenever there's a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong.
> 17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
> 18.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick


At first, I gave this a funny rating. then after reading them, I gave it an agree rating. But I finally settled on a great post after laughing and agreeing that this is a great post.

Reactions: Agree 4


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## Tom Smart

I could not decide which is my favorite. It’s a tie with these:

- Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

- The 50-50-90 Law - Whenever there's a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong.

Reactions: Like 3


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## vegas urban lumber

i'm all in on the 50/50/90

Reactions: Like 1


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## Gdurfey

I have always felt Murphy was my brother....that is a great list!!!!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 205455


You think he was trying to blow that tire up...now that is funny. He is clearly using the Binford air pick attachment to clean his teeth. Works on any tire with 50 or more psi.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 9 | Informative 2


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## wombat



Reactions: Funny 13


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## Mike Hill

wombat said:


> View attachment 205541


Ok, where's the rag to wipe the spray off my screen! That there is funny!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Mr. Peet

wombat said:


> View attachment 205541


Looks like only 5 levels. There now, was that so hard?


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## phinds

wombat said:


> View attachment 205541



Despite the fact that this is a joke, I think it's the first time I have EVER seen "wrong on so many levels" actually used correctly. Normally it's one or maybe 2, but never "so many" as stated.

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds

My kind of guy:

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## phinds

Taste testers say "Honey is the tastiest of all the insect vomits we have tried so far."

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> Taste testers say "Honey is the tastiest of all the insect vomits we have tried so far."


Wonder how many other vomits they have tasted..??..


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## phinds

Mr. Peet said:


> Wonder how many other vomits they have tasted..??..


I don't really think that's relevant to the joke


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## rob3232

phinds said:


> Taste testers say "Honey is the tastiest of all the insect vomits we have tried so far."





Mr. Peet said:


> Wonder how many other vomits they have tasted..??..


 How about poop? Never tried it but I would









Wild Bat Geisha, Costa Rica


Wild Bat Coffee from the Coffea Diversa Estate in Biolley, Costa Rica. Bats feed on geisha coffee cherries, licking the sugar-rich mucilage and initiating a unique natural coffee processing method. A rare speciality coffee - fruity, floral, delicate acidity. Available in whole beans or ground...




seaislandcoffee.com


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> I don't really think that's relevant to the joke


Ah, you missed it, dry humor, like Bean. However, still a valid question to some. 

@rob3232 

Can see old Jack praising "Kopi Luwak" coffee now with Morgan Freeman just smiling... "Bucket List".

Reactions: Funny 2 | Informative 1


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## ripjack13

Or even black ivory coffee....

Reactions: Like 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 11


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 9


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 12 | Useful 1


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## trc65



Reactions: Funny 8 | +Karma 1


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## trc65



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mr. Peet

trc65 said:


> View attachment 205817


Were is their masks? Must be a free state.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 205810


That's probably better than the razor blades I usually have to dig out of walls. Who knew people actually used those little slots in the medicine cabinets?

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Hill

rob3232 said:


> How about poop? Never tried it but I would
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Wild Bat Geisha, Costa Rica
> 
> 
> Wild Bat Coffee from the Coffea Diversa Estate in Biolley, Costa Rica. Bats feed on geisha coffee cherries, licking the sugar-rich mucilage and initiating a unique natural coffee processing method. A rare speciality coffee - fruity, floral, delicate acidity. Available in whole beans or ground...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> seaislandcoffee.com


Unless someone offers me a starring role in a big $$$$ movie about bucket lists - I think I will pass. I like coffee and all, but Little Mikey has a limit. Now if someone was to send me sample not that's a different story. Them.......ummm.......pass-thru beans are expensive and Little Mikey would rather buy some curly koa rather than expensive coffee.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 6 | +Karma 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## phinds

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 205893


Uh, Lou, see post 8780


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## phinds

This has likely been posted here before but ...

*Tools Explained*​
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh, S—!”

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..

Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “Son of a bitch” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Wildthings

phinds said:


> Uh, Lou, see post 8780


I thought at first "Oh Lord we have internet grammar police and now internet cartoon police!" but after looking at post 8780 I realized he was protecting his original posting!!


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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> Uh, Lou, see post 8780


Definitely not the same cartoon - two of her eyelashes are curved in a different direction and she has different socks on.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2 | Informative 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## DLJeffs

phinds said:


> View attachment 205915


I wish. Pretty sure that if they name a planet after you, you own all the future mineral and tourism rights to that planet. I'm rich!!

Reactions: Like 1 | +Karma 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 7


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Don Ratcliff

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 205951


This is the joke thread not the great advice for everyday life thread...

Can we get a mod to move his post the the appropriate area please...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tom Smart

Don Ratcliff said:


> This is the joke thread not the great advice for everyday life thread...
> 
> Can we get a mod to move his post the the appropriate area please...


Well, I’m glad you noticed that. You really need to be careful at nap time.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tom Smart

All tho


Don Ratcliff said:


> great advice for everyday life thread


All those Muppet voices are just a snore cover.

Reactions: Way Cool 1


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 6


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## ripjack13

Mike Hill said:


> That's probably better than the razor blades I usually have to dig out of walls. Who knew people actually used those little slots in the medicine cabinets?


Like this??

Reactions: Informative 1


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## ripjack13

Don Ratcliff said:


> This is the joke thread not the great advice for everyday life thread...
> 
> Can we get a mod to move his post the the appropriate area please...



Thats in the Hawaiian section of the chatroom....


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## Don Ratcliff

ripjack13 said:


> Thats in the Hawaiian section of the chatroom....


Now your just being a dork. If there was a Hawaiian section the rest of the forum would be kinda empty. It would be filled with laughs, the best woods and all the best members. Okay, it would just be me but same same...

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

ripjack13 said:


> Like this??
> 
> View attachment 205961


Absolutely!

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds



Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 3


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## phinds



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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7


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## FranklinWorkshops

> *TRAVEL POSSIBILITIES FOR SENIORS . . .*
> 
> I have been in many places in my life but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been In Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends and family. I live close so it's a short drive.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.
> 
> People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before! I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there. So far, I haven't been in Continent, but my travel agent says it is on the list!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Nubsnstubs

........... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## Don Ratcliff

Solved it... the answer was right at the bottom

Reactions: Funny 7


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## phinds

Clearly, the heat got to'm

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mr. Peet

DLJeffs said:


> I wish. Pretty sure that if they name a planet after you, you own all the future mineral and tourism rights to that planet. I'm rich!!


Sorry man, you know we'll all be dead before we ruin another planet and get to yours. You won't be able to cash in. Just choose God, that always pays out.


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8


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## SENC

Ted/Don. Whatever. Same Same.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## DLJeffs

Mr. Peet said:


> Sorry man, you know we'll all be dead before we ruin another planet and get to yours. You won't be able to cash in. Just choose God, that always pays out.


I'm still holding out for my own planet complete with 100% mineral rights. Who knows, it probably will even have all sorts of incredible trees with burls, and quilting and curls and flames and all kinds of cool stuff. Be nice to me or I won't share.

Reactions: Funny 4 | Sincere 2


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## trc65



Reactions: Funny 10


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> View attachment 206317


Reminded me of John, became so popular, nearly every house in America has a Jon in it.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

trc65 said:


> View attachment 206316


Duh!!!!.... Why is this in the joke thread? They're approved by codes most places aren't they?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## phinds

VACCINE ALERT

A elderly friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the Vaccination Center, after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home.

When he got home, he called the Vaccination Center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hospitalized.

He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the Vaccination Center immediately and pick up his glasses.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## DLJeffs

phinds said:


> View attachment 206317


Booo!


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## Herb G.

A bear was walking thru the woods one day when he saw a rabbit.
The bear asked the rabbit if he had a problem with chit sticking to his fur.
The rabbit said no.
So the bear picked him up & wiped his ass with him.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Lou Currier



Reactions: Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## Mr. Peet

Lou Currier said:


> View attachment 206368


Sad...I've seen this posted several times, maybe a few on here, but it just seems to make more sense if it was a pile of logs...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## phinds

Mr. Peet said:


> Sad...I've seen this posted several times, maybe a few on here, but it just seems to make more sense if it was a pile of logs...
> View attachment 206374


Yes, it would make more sense but it wouldn't be as funny.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## phinds

UNLIKELY BOAT NAMES:

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Tom Smart



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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Don Ratcliff

I sent a pic via text to @ripjack13 and @Tony a while ago using the lighter on the right for scale. My wife saw it somehow and today she gave me the one on the left and said these words exactly, "Stop embarrassing yourself" and walked away. 



I guess she knows the rules better than @Barb

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7 | +Karma 1


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## vegas urban lumber

Don Ratcliff said:


> I sent a pic via text to @ripjack13 and @Tony a while ago using the lighter on the right for scale. My wife saw it somehow and today she gave me the one on the left and said these words exactly, *"Stop embracing yourself"* and walked away.


who's going to hug you now, since you aren't being allowed to do it yourself

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Tom Smart

@Don Ratcliff 
Ever feel like this, Don?

Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 5 | Funny 2


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

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## Don Ratcliff

vegas urban lumber said:


> who's going to hug you now, since you aren't being allowed to do it yourself


Fixed it. That you officer...


----------



## vegas urban lumber

Don Ratcliff said:


> Fixed it. That you officer...


actually i thought it was an inside joke with your wife, but worth a razzing no less

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Don Ratcliff said:


> I sent a pic via text to @ripjack13 and @Tony a while ago using the lighter on the right for scale. My wife saw it somehow and today she gave me the one on the left and said these words exactly, "Stop embarrassing yourself" and walked away.
> 
> 
> 
> I guess she knows the rules better than @Barb
> 
> 
> View attachment 206478



Thank you Maya....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 16 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13

phinds said:


> View attachment 206605



Paul's away on vacation. 
Please leave a message.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## phinds

You might look older than you think

Reactions: Funny 11


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## barry richardson



Reactions: Funny 9


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## barry richardson

Another dog one...

Reactions: Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## DLJeffs

Got these today...

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 5 | Funny 4


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## phinds

stork delivering a baby

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill

Not going to get technical! - but!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Alan R McDaniel Jr

A heron delivering a toddler?

Wonder what kind of bird it would take to deliver a 22 yr old, finished with college and in a job?


Alan

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

Alan R McDaniel Jr said:


> A heron delivering a toddler?


Bingo!


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## phinds

Mike Hill said:


> Not going to get technical! - but!!


I'll bet you're a lot of fun at parties, huh?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 11


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## phinds



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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> View attachment 207469


Good thing he had it declawed or he would be missing some parts.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Alan R McDaniel Jr

There's a few things I'd do neked, and most of them have to with a "cat" of sorts..... But, I'd never do what he's doing neked (or fully clothed). 

I neutered a Tom Cat once....... Once! Once to that cat and once to any cat.

Alan

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> I'll bet you're a lot of fun at parties, huh?


I have no idea - I don't get invited to parties.

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8


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## phinds



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## phinds



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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 11


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## Wildthings

daggum you..... ..... a whim away......... a whim away......... a whim away......... a whim away......... a whim away......... a whim away......... 






a whim away......... a whim away......... a whim away......... a whim away......... 




a whim away......... a whim away.........

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## phinds



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## Mike Hill

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 207716


I'm offended!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## phinds

The human brain is an astounding organ. It works for your every waking moment, every day of your life from birth right up til the time of your first erection.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## phinds



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## phinds



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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> The human brain is an astounding organ. It works for your every waking moment, every day of your life from birth right up til the time of your first erection.


I saw that post from David and asked, "How many months might that be for the average male?"

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds



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## Tom Smart



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## Tom Smart



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## Tom Smart



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## Tom Smart



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## phinds

*YA GOTTA LOVE THIS ONE !!!*

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## phinds



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## Mike Hill

Wildthings said:


> daggum you..... ..... a whim away......... a whim away......... a whim away......... a whim away......... a whim away......... a whim away.........
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> a whim away......... a whim away......... a whim away......... a whim away.........
> 
> 
> 
> 
> a whim away......... a whim away.........


That's my line!


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



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## phinds

Australian sale on fish and chips

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## wombat

phinds said:


> Australian sale on fish and chips
> 
> View attachment 208112



True story. That reminds me of the new seafood restaurant that had just opened and offered two for one fish and chip dinners.
After the meal the chef came out and asked how it was, we pointed out that we thought the portions were a bit small. his reply " because it was two for one I gave you half portions"!!! Needless to say he didn't last very long.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## FranklinWorkshops

More wisdom.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 8 | Way Cool 1 | Creative 1


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## 2feathers Creative Making

As a former teacher, I concur. I have some packed away still yet and that was 15 years ago...
Like the 8th grade boy who asks what happens if his poetry assignment isnt turned in on time, every day for the 2 weeks of the special assignment. Only to find his 42 line poem (out of a required 12) was about what he pictured happening if ... he didnt finish on time. 
Title < Or I Will Punish You>


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## Wildthings

I like the coiled barbwire around the perimeter!! That's detail!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## ripjack13

So I'm thinking that when I build my new shop, I am going to raise the floor so I don't have to bend over as far when I drop something.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8 | Useful 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 10


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## ripjack13

@Kevin would have got a kick outa that one....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

I just noticed that my truck has a jellyfish launcher!!!

Reactions: Funny 13 | Way Cool 1


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## Mr. Peet

ripjack13 said:


> I just noticed that my truck has a jellyfish launcher!!!
> 
> View attachment 208279


How do you activate it? Is there a limit on how small or large the jellyfish needs to be? Is it PETA approved? Does this option come standard or is it an extra? Will it work for other things, like FIREWOOD?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 8


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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> View attachment 208310


I'm offended - that's sexist - how do they know that scarecrow identifies as a "he"?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## DLJeffs

I think it's offensive for that cartoon to insinuate a crow would say "OMG". They're much more intelligent than that.

Reactions: Funny 5 | +Karma 1


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## Wildthings

DLJeffs said:


> I think it's offensive for that cartoon to insinuate a crow would say "OMG". They're much more intelligent than that.


HEY! I just used "OMG" in another thread!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

No comment Astro Lover!

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## Sprung



Reactions: Funny 9


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## DLJeffs

Wildthings said:


> HEY! I just used "OMG" in another thread!!


You can talk like a 14 year old from Hollywood but it won't help you be only 14 years old or from Hollywood.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## vegas urban lumber

Sprung said:


> View attachment 208347
> 
> View attachment 208346


my father is just finishing his house build on the Oregon coast. his few leftovers , boards and sheet goods, inventoried at a value of $15,000.

Reactions: Agree 1 | +Karma 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## trc65

Hey @ripjack13 

May the 4th be with you!

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1 | Agree 1 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13

trc65 said:


> Hey @ripjack13
> 
> May the 4th be with you!


I am one with the fourth and the fourth is with me....

Reactions: Like 2


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## phinds

If you see this hazard code, get a large leak-proof container and follow this truck. It's high grade ethanol alcohol (the drinkable kind). Then, Party On Dude !

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Herb G.

phinds said:


> If you see this hazard code, get a large leak-proof container and follow this truck. It's high grade ethanol alcohol (the drinkable kind). Then, Party On Dude !
> 
> View attachment 208397


Except by law it has to be cut with methanol so it's not drinkable.


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## phinds

Herb G. said:


> Except by law it has to be cut with methanol so it's not drinkable.


Spoilsport

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mr. Peet

Herb G. said:


> Except by law it has to be cut with methanol so it's not drinkable.


Did not know they were adding both ethanol and methanol to our gasoline. That would be an added greenhouse issue. Methanol is placard 1230. 

I think blended falls under placard 3475... so 1170 I think is food grade safe straight ethanol...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## DLJeffs

Unfortunately, the DOT placard with UN ID 1170 can be almost any type of ethyl alcohol - including the mixtures for gasoline. Those diamond shaped placards were developed to help emergency responders quickly identify what is inside tanker trucks, tanker railcars, bulk containers, even box trucks with pallets of potentially hazardous materials. So the regulation (CFR 49) groups chemicals into categories having similar flammable, reactionary, and toxic attributes that can be mitigated using the same emergency response methods. You'd need more info than just the DOT placard ID before drinking that stuff. I am sure that's way more information than anyone wants but you finally hit on a topic I know something about so I thought I'd take the opportunity to show off a little.

Reactions: Funny 5 | +Karma 1 | Informative 4


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## Mr. Peet

DLJeffs said:


> Unfortunately, the DOT placard with UN ID 1170 can be almost any type of ethyl alcohol - including the mixtures for gasoline. Those diamond shaped placards were developed to help emergency responders quickly identify what is inside tanker trucks, tanker railcars, bulk containers, even box trucks with pallets of potentially hazardous materials. So the regulation (CFR 49) groups chemicals into categories having similar flammable, reactionary, and toxic attributes that can be mitigated using the same emergency response methods. You'd need more info than just the DOT placard ID before drinking that stuff. I am sure that's way more information than anyone wants but you finally hit on a topic I know something about so I thought I'd take the opportunity to show off a little.View attachment 208405


1170 can be Ethanol, Ethanol solution, Ethyl alcohol or Ethyl alcohol solution. Maybe for gasoline, but not with gasoline as that would be 3475, the same number used for any motor spirits with 10% or more ethanol.

Reactions: Informative 1


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## DLJeffs

Correct, you are, Obe Wan...

https://environmentalchemistry.com/yogi/hazmat/erg/sl/1129|1189.html


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## phinds

The low-fat version of Cinco de Mayo is Cinco de Miracle Whip

Reactions: Funny 3


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## phinds



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## Mike1950

So true

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4 | Informative 1


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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Maverick

wish I had seen this one a couple of days ago....

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Maverick

.

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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7


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## wombat

I admit a picture would have been better but......

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## ripjack13

I moved the covid posts to covid topic....




__





Corona virus/Covid 19 talk


Scientist buddy of mine sent me this site. Almost getting scary https://gisanddata.maps.arcgis.com/apps/opsdashboard/index.html#/bda7594740fd40299423467b48e9ecf6



woodbarter.com


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## T. Ben



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## phinds



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 11


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## phinds

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6 | +Karma 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 4 | Creative 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 11


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 208664


Liar, Liar - Pants on fire! 

There is not such thing as too much caffeine!

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Mr. Peet

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 208667


I almost always find bone in my burger, but that one, think I would notice before biting into it...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## phinds

Mr. Peet said:


> I almost always fine bone in my burger ...


How much do you fine them for being there? Personally, I usually just let them off with a warning.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3 | Sincere 1


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## Eric Rorabaugh

My first attempt at shou sugi ban. How do you think its going?

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Wildthings

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> My first attempt at shou sugi ban. How do you think its going?
> 
> View attachment 208708


That picture hurts!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

Reminds me of a passage in Joel Barber's first duck decoy book. His collection included a swan confidence decoy carved by Barnes. If my memory serves me correctly, he wrote of how he obtained the swan decoy. He was traveling through I think the Chesapeake Bay area at dusk. He noticed a fire next to a house. He got closer and noticed that the fire was a bunch of decoys being burned. He stopped the car and shrieked like a Valkyrie while running to the fire where he grabbed a couple of decoys off the fire. That decoy was one he saved from burning. The carver's widow, didn't know what else to do with the wood stuff her deceased husband left, so she just decided to burn it all. Now, its been 40 years since I read the book, so the details may not all be 100% correct - but... That is what mind image that fire brings to mind - Little Mikie shrieking to save the WOOD!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## 2feathers Creative Making

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> My first attempt at shou sugi ban. How do you think its going?
> 
> View attachment 208708


Do you have the shou sugi mallows? Ought to be ready about dusk dark.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> How much do you fine them for being there? Personally, I usually just let them off with a warning.


Good eye, if I fine them, 'sati' if winter and the stove is going and banishment otherwise...


----------



## phinds

Mr. Peet said:


> Good eye, if I fine them, 'sati' if winter and the stove is going and banishment otherwise...


Ouch, you're brutal in the winter.


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## Bigg081

Still seems low...

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

@Tony's new car. That's high-priced - just look at them 2x4's

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tony

Mike Hill said:


> @Tony's new car. That's high-priced - just look at them 2x4's
> View attachment 208772


That spoiler doubles the value!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Maverick

.

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## Maverick

.

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## DLJeffs

Does anyone have a 50 cal they want to sell?

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Wildthings

Mike Hill said:


> @Tony's new car. That's high-priced - just look at them 2x4's
> View attachment 208772


That's not Tony's unless he's visiting Houston (610 loop)


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## phinds

T-shirt slogans:

Explosives are awesome; fingers are overrated
Hedgehogs - why don't they just share the hedge?
Dear math, I'm not a therapist. Solve your own problems.
Free Tibet ! (With another Tibet of equal or greater value)
Voted "most likely to travel back in time", class of 2057
Most likely to secede, class of 1825
Practice safe lunch, use a condiment
Rock is dead - paper killed it
If life gives you lemons, keep them because, hey, free lemons
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself! (and spiders)

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Tom Smart

phinds said:


> The only thing we have to fear is fear itself! (and spiders)


And snakes….

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

Oh My!!!!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 10


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## phinds

Now THIS should be an option in every lumber yard and tool store in America:

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## phinds

Snow shovel designed by my wife for me:

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 10


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> Snow shovel designed by my wife for me:
> 
> View attachment 209219


I don't understand the use of this tool!


----------



## DLJeffs

An oldy but a goody....

In Ireland, the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying. The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable. They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips. The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader. "Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us." She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:

*"DON'T SELL THAT COW*."

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Eric Rorabaugh




----------



## phinds

??? Uh, Eric, you might want to check out the previous page

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Ah heck. Missed that one

Reactions: Funny 1


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## DLJeffs

This works...

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Maverick

DLJeffs said:


> This works...
> 
> View attachment 209302


Personally speaking, I like that name MUCH better.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Wildthings

phinds said:


> View attachment 209412


That kinda looks like @rocky

Reactions: Funny 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Trob115

Darwin Award Winning tire repair.

Reactions: Funny 10


----------



## Lou Currier

@Eric Rorabaugh

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 13


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## Trob115

Seems about right

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## phinds

And, are U.S. computers made with fries instead of chips?

Reactions: Funny 8 | Creative 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 9


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 11


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 12


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## Trob115



Reactions: Funny 10 | Sincere 1 | Creative 1


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## Mike Hill

A pox upon ya Trey - now I have to clean up my computer screen - LTH -( Laughing Too Hard)

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Nubsnstubs

phinds said:


> View attachment 210190


I saw this probably within 5 minutes of it being posted on Tuesday. Today about 2 minutes ago, I got it. Boy, am I slow? ......... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Wildthings

Nubsnstubs said:


> I saw this probably within 5 minutes of it being posted on Tuesday. Today about 2 minutes ago, I got it. Boy, am I slow? ......... Jerry (in Tucson)


Were you wearing your seat belt when you got it!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5 | Sincere 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> View attachment 210341


Based on foreheads, I assume a father and son comparison..?..

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Trob115



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8 | +Karma 1


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 7 | Funny 2


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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)_

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Maverick

New definition of a thumbnail....

Reactions: Funny 4 | Sincere 2


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 10


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## Maverick

@Mike Hill ..... don't know why, but I thought of you when I saw this one.

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike Hill

Honored!

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## phinds

if meat eaters acted like vegetarians

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 10


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## ripjack13

phinds said:


> View attachment 210661



The lego should be way before 2020....trust me. I know.
Dang things.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## phinds

ripjack13 said:


> The lego should be way before 2020....trust me. I know.
> Dang things.


Yeah, me too.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> if meat eaters acted like vegetarians


Uh Oh! Lil Mikey wiping coffee off the screen time!!! Nailed it!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## phinds

It's not that this is going to end badly, it's that it isn't GOING to end !

Reactions: Funny 6


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## FranklinWorkshops

Some wisdom to share.

Reactions: Agree 11


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Nubsnstubs

.......... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 6


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## Nubsnstubs

........... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Nubsnstubs

.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Nubsnstubs

........... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 3


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## phinds

Jerry, surely your computer/phone has at least some sort of primitive graphics manipulation app that would allow you to reduce the size of these unnecessarily HUGE images.


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## vegas urban lumber

phinds said:


> Jerry, surely your computer/phone has at least some sort of primitive graphics manipulation app that would allow you to reduce the size of these unnecessarily HUGE images.


where's the thumbs down rating?

on my desk top i prefer the larger images

Reactions: Agree 3


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## phinds

vegas urban lumber said:


> where's the thumbs down rating?
> 
> on my desk top i prefer the larger images


Sure. So do I when I'm looking at them but why make them so big you have to scroll the thread on WB?


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## phinds

vegas urban lumber said:


> where's the thumbs down rating?


Here:

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 6


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## trc65



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 7 | Informative 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Nubsnstubs

phinds said:


> Jerry, surely your computer/phone has at least some sort of primitive graphics manipulation app that would allow you to reduce the size of these unnecessarily HUGE images.


Paul, I have no clue how large they are until I upload them to here. After that, I have no idea on how to reduce their size. Help would be appreciated, only if it's in English instead of Cgeek. ........ Jerry (in Tucson)


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## phinds

Nubsnstubs said:


> Paul, I have no clue how large they are until I upload them to here. After that, I have no idea on how to reduce their size. Help would be appreciated, only if it's in English instead of Cgeek. ........ Jerry (in Tucson)


Well, if you have any kind of graphics app at all, one of the most basic functions in any of them is to resize the image. In mine it is just called, literally, "resize". Selecting a height of about 500 pixels max is a good idea and for many images, smaller is better. The aspect ratio will be maintained automatically, so the pic won't look too skinny or too squashed.

This image of yours was almost 1000 pixels high, which means scrolling on all but the largest monitors. Here it is at 40% of that size




What app do you have, do you know?

Reactions: Informative 1


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## phinds

Also, by the way, you should be able to "inspect" an image while it's on your device to see how big it is. How you do that varies by device / browser / etc. but there should be a simple way once you find it. That will tell you the height/width of an image before you upload it.


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## woodtickgreg

phinds said:


> Jerry, surely your computer/phone has at least some sort of primitive graphics manipulation app that would allow you to reduce the size of these unnecessarily HUGE images.


I'm looking at them on my phone and I don't see anything wrong with them?

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 3 | Great Post 1


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## vegas urban lumber

Maverick said:


> .
> 
> View attachment 210525


@phinds , this is the only resent picture post that is larger than my screen, requiring scroll to view


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## phinds

woodtickgreg said:


> I'm looking at them on my phone and I don't see anything wrong with them?


Phones auto-resize. Computers don't. When I look at them on my desktop, they are huge.


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## phinds

vegas urban lumber said:


> @phinds , this is the only resent picture post that is larger than my screen, requiring scroll to view


Huh. For me they're all too big. When you say "my screen", is that a computer or a phone?


----------



## phinds



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## vegas urban lumber

phinds said:


> Huh. For me they're all too big. When you say "my screen", is that a computer or a phone?


desk top monitor
jerry's fill the screen and the last one i listed is 2 full screens worth

Reactions: Like 1 | Informative 1


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## phinds

This is a standard joke in America but to be fair it should at the very least be pointed out that the French army put up a heroic rear action at Dunkirk and around 16,000 French soldiers died during the evacuation of the 300,000+ British soldiers.


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## FranklinWorkshops

While not a joke, this is funny.

Reactions: Like 3 | Way Cool 1


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## phinds

Good thing nobody was smoking.


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## Nature Man

FranklinWorkshops said:


> While not a joke, this is funny.


Too bad there wasn’t time to throw a match their way! Chuck

Reactions: Agree 1


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## phinds

Nature Man said:


> Too bad there wasn’t time to throw a match their way! Chuck


It would have gone his way too. He covered his car w/ gas

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

Nature Man said:


> Too bad there wasn’t time to throw a match their way! Chuck


If one of the hoods fired a gun, they all would have gone up in flames. That van will be easy to find as they could never get the gas smell out. 
I'd love to know the rest of the story.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## vegas urban lumber

phinds said:


> Good thing nobody was smoking.


before seeing the other replies. i said out loud "too bad he didn't have a cigarette lit for them"

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Trob115



Reactions: Funny 7


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## phinds



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## FranklinWorkshops

too true

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 9 | Sincere 1 | Useful 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 3


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## JerseyHighlander

Alan R McDaniel Jr said:


> A heron delivering a toddler?
> 
> Wonder what kind of bird it would take to deliver a 22 yr old, finished with college and in a job?
> 
> 
> Alan


A Dreamliner.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10 | Informative 1


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## Mike Hill

I am now, officially so old, I remember a time that the only fake news was news coming from the National Enquirer!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## DLJeffs

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## phinds

A woman went to the doctor’s office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.

After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,

“What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is a 59 year old widow, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and hasn’t had sex since her husband passed away 7 years ago! Yet you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:

“Does she still have the hiccups?”

Reactions: Funny 9


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## vegas urban lumber

my son and i just created this, no thank god that's not him

Reactions: Funny 6


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## phinds

Every time I take up a sport, or exercise I meet new people ... 
usually they're paramedics...
but they're new people.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 13


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 10 | Informative 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

> *IRONY*
> 
> *Once in a while we just have to stand back in awe of our government. The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever – to 46 million people. Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Dept. of the Interior, asks us to “Please Do Not Feed the Animals.” Their stated reason for the policy is because “the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.”*
> 
> *Thus ends today’s lesson in irony.*

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 6 | Funny 4


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## Nubsnstubs

........... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 4 | Creative 1


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Not even funny Jerry! LMAO


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## FranklinWorkshops

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> Not even funny Jerry! LMAO


Since someone make a photo of what happened, the ducklings could at least be rescued. Mother Duck needs remedial mother training. Does your Virginia Dept of Game and Fish offer such training?

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Eric Rorabaugh

We're not dept of game and fish anymore. They changed our name to dept of wildlife resources. Don't ask me why. But the way our dept is going, we may start doing stuff like that

Reactions: +Karma 1 | Sincere 1


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## Maverick

.

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## Maverick

I guess there is hope for me after all.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6


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## phinds

CLEARLY a mistake --- should say Texas.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Wildthings

phinds said:


> CLEARLY a mistake --- should say Texas.
> 
> View attachment 212045


Nope you are completely wrong there and the angel dude is correct.. Proof you say

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Way Cool 1 | Sincere 1


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## Nubsnstubs

phinds said:


> CLEARLY a mistake --- should say Texas.
> 
> View attachment 212045


I think you would lose that argument, Paul. ............ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 3


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## DLJeffs

Yup, as weird, disfunctional, and unexplainable as many states are, California owns that title in perpetuity.


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## phinds

DLJeffs said:


> Yup, as weird, disfunctional, and unexplainable as many states are, California owns that title in perpetuity.


For sure, but the climate is so nice


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 12


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## Maverick

Has anyone tried the latest craze? Chicago style pizza.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 11 | +Karma 1


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## Trob115



Reactions: Agree 7 | Funny 4 | Informative 1


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## Herb G.

Trob115 said:


> View attachment 212430


Mice don't eat cheese. Know that.


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## Gonzalodqa

The technology nowadays


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## phinds

Well, you can't buy happiness, but you CAN buy chocolate, and hey ...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike1950

;)

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7


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## trc65

Leave it to them Texans to mount the tires backwards!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Nubsnstubs

trc65 said:


> Leave it to them Texans to mount the tires backwards!


Good catch, Tim. I thought something didn't look right, but maybe this guy is so good, he can do it backwards....... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1


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## Wildthings

trc65 said:


> Leave it to them Texans to mount the tires backwards!





Nubsnstubs said:


> Good catch, Tim. I thought something didn't look right, but maybe this guy is so good, he can do it backwards....... Jerry (in Tucson)


You guys are sharp! But that's the only way those tires work on that model of Texas Segways.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## 2feathers Creative Making

Canister set for ?


May need a deep south background to fill these correctly...


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## Mike Hill

The one on the left is for toilet paper - right?

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5 | Useful 1


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## 2feathers Creative Making

Mike Hill said:


> The one on the left is for toilet paper - right?


Corn meal flower and sugar

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mr. Peet

2feathers Creative Making said:


> Corn meal flower and sugar


Can you even say what kind of sugar now days?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

2feathers Creative Making said:


> Corn meal flower and sugar


Maybe corncobs are a Texas thing! Ya know all them Texicans are tough!


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## DLJeffs

Here's a couple...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 12 | Way Cool 1


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## JerseyHighlander

vegas urban lumber said:


> my son and i just created this, no thank god that's not him
> 
> View attachment 211678


I'll see your "man bun" and raise you, this;

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 8 | Funny 2


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## Trob115



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 12


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## Mike Hill

OK, which of yous'all's was responsible for this?

*LACKAWANNA COUNTY, Pa. -* Pennsylvania police said they were called to a Home Depot to remove a disorderly couple from the lumber aisle. The couple was performing an exorcism.

The exorcism was reportedly for the dead trees used for lumber.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Eric Rorabaugh

@FranklinWorkshops 
LARRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 10


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6 | Useful 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## Herb G.

I'm so poor, if a trip around the world cost a dime, I couldn't get out of sight.


----------



## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> OK, which of yous'all's was responsible for this?
> 
> *LACKAWANNA COUNTY, Pa. -* Pennsylvania police said they were called to a Home Depot to remove a disorderly couple from the lumber aisle. The couple was performing an exorcism.
> 
> The exorcism was reportedly for the dead trees used for lumber.


This is true. It was at the Dickson City location. Even more surprising, couple was from New Jersey, not California....

Reactions: Funny 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

New

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 4 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## DLJeffs

The Guardians? Seriously? C'mon Cleveland, surely you have more creative ability than that. What's the mascot going to look like - a big statue like something out of a Hobbit movie?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

DLJeffs said:


> The Guardians? Seriously? C'mon Cleveland, surely you have more creative ability than that. What's the mascot going to look like - a big statue like something out of a Hobbit movie?


Certainly can't be a Pit Bull. It would go against the narrative as being the most vicious things on the planet, where in reality, they are about the least aggressive domesticated animal on the planet....... Jerry (in Tucson)


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## Gdurfey

DLJeffs said:


> The Guardians? Seriously? C'mon Cleveland, surely you have more creative ability than that. What's the mascot going to look like - a big statue like something out of a Hobbit movie?


Space Force personnel are Guardians………..I wonder…..

Reactions: Creative 1


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## Tom Smart

DLJeffs said:


> The Guardians? Seriously? C'mon Cleveland, surely you have more creative ability than that. What's the mascot going to look like - a big statue like something out of a Hobbit movie?


They just changed the first 2 letters of Indians. Must save them money somehow. 

Atlanta and KC next? Braves say they will get rid of the chop but not the name.


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## DLJeffs

It'd be funny if they used a big black marker to cross out the "I" and the "N" and wrote in "Guar" on their uniforms, programs, tickets, advertising etc.

My only ask was that they prohibit Jane Fonda from doing it.


> Braves say they will get rid of the chop but not the name.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## JerseyHighlander



Reactions: Funny 12


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## eaglea1



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 7 | Funny 2 | Sincere 1


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## Nubsnstubs

........... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Nubsnstubs

............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Nubsnstubs

.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Nubsnstubs

............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Nubsnstubs

............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Nubsnstubs

.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Nubsnstubs

......Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## trc65

What if _*UFOs
*_
are just _*Billionaires
*_
from other planets?​

Reactions: Funny 10


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2 | Funny 6


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## phinds

I think it's clever that this little rover reported on by the BBC can pick up cigarette butts but what I REALLY find amazing is that it can pick up other science news. How does it DO that?

Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Trob115



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 13


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 9


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## Mike1950



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike Hill

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 213494


Dunno.......doesn't seem like such a useful idea for me! Jus say'n - my clothing needs are different. Come to think about it, however, I do have some of my ummmm....ummm.... below-the-belt catcher's protection thingies that might work!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## woodtickgreg

Mike Hill said:


> Dunno.......doesn't seem like such a useful idea for me! Jus say'n - my clothing needs are different. Come to think about it, however, I do have some of my ummmm....ummm.... below-the-belt catcher's protection thingies that might work!


Eeewww!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

Yeh, I know, but I'm still alive (I think) after having been pinned to the seat with my "thingie" over my nose and mouth by my teammates on many road trips. And If I forget, my teammates have to remind me at every reunion - even been announced from the podium and made part of a song by the classmate with the band who plays at every reunion. Its a small town - my Mom probably knows all about it. She claims to know of one time I streaked the Sonic - not say'n.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 12


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## Wildthings

phinds said:


> View attachment 213497


HOLY CRAP!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

Wildthings said:


> HOLY CRAP!


Lil Mikey's mind quickly grasped the nuance there! 

Staying up late into the night I see!


----------



## Wildthings

Mike Hill said:


> Lil Mikey's mind quickly grasped the nuance there!






Mike Hill said:


> Staying up late into the night I see!


pretty much my normal

Reactions: Funny 1


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## FranklinWorkshops

So true

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 11


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 10 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 11


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 9


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 3 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 9


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 11


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## JerseyHighlander

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 213636


That is one of those things you pray isn't real, but you know it is. The text should probably just say; Darwin was here.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## JerseyHighlander

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 213637


THAT is pure genius. Laughed hysterically, then put a bag of Quick-crete on my lumberyard list.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

JerseyHighlander said:


> THAT is pure genius. Laughed hysterically, then put a bag of Quick-crete on my lumberyard list.


It would be a shame to forget the PVC pipe!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> View attachment 213696


That one almost went over my head - had to think about it and come back to it a few times!


----------



## Karl_TN

Mike Hill said:


> That one almost went over my head - had to think about it and come back to it a few times!


Finally got it after waking up from several naps?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

Karl_TN said:


> Finally got it after waking up from several naps?


Ya know - when you've been officially titled OLD - you're allowed to do that!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Wildthings

Mike Hill said:


> That one almost went over my head - had to think about it and come back to it a few times!





Karl_TN said:


> Finally got it after waking up from several naps?





Mike Hill said:


> Ya know - when you've been officially titled OLD - you're allowed to do that!


Ifn you're gonna try to figure it one piece of advice ----- DON"T count the sheep first

Reactions: Funny 3


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## DLJeffs

*God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round…and laughed and laughed and laughed.



*Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time," isn't the correct response.


*I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

Reactions: Funny 12


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 15


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## DLJeffs

My doctor understands me...

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Wildthings

I cannot say #3 and my wife lasts at me every time. So it's please pass the "Lea & Perrins"

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4 | Informative 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 10


----------



## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 7 | Sincere 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 10


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## phinds

Language sometimes includes a personal bias. For example, the verb _to be resolute_ is an irregular one in most languages. In English it goes:
I am firm.
You are stubborn.
He/she is pig headed.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4 | Sincere 1


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## ripjack13

phinds said:


> View attachment 213974


At least he's not wearing a red shirt....

Reactions: Funny 3


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 9 | Creative 1


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## Herb G.

phinds said:


> View attachment 214052




My wife worked in an office where every day someone was missing something from their lunch.
So, she baked a batch of brownies & put 4 boxes of chocolate Ex-Lax in them. 
They found out who the thief was after they had to keep running to the bathroom.

The company fired that person for stealing private property.

Reactions: Like 4 | Way Cool 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 10


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## trc65



Reactions: Funny 9


----------



## eaglea1



Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 11


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## DLJeffs

1. Teaching Math In 1950....
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit? $____

2 Teaching Math In 1970...
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit? $___

3 Teaching Math In 1990...A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is $80.
Did he make a profit?
__Yes or __No

4. Teaching Math In 2000...
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2020
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did
the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
There are no wrong answers, feel free to express your feelings
e.g, anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.
Should you require debriefing at conclusion of exam there are
counsellors available to assist you adjust back into the real
world.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

DLJeffs said:


> 1. Teaching Math In 1950....
> A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
> His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
> What is his profit? $____
> 
> 2 Teaching Math In 1970...
> A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
> His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
> What is his profit? $___
> 
> 3 Teaching Math In 1990...A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
> His cost of production is $80.
> Did he make a profit?
> __Yes or __No
> 
> 4. Teaching Math In 2000...
> A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
> His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
> Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
> 
> 5. Teaching Math In 2020
> A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
> inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
> preservation of our woodlands.
> He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
> What do you think of this way of making a living?
> Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did
> the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
> There are no wrong answers, feel free to express your feelings
> e.g, anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.
> Should you require debriefing at conclusion of exam there are
> counsellors available to assist you adjust back into the real
> world.


I'd put a smiley face on this, but it is too painfully true!

Reactions: Agree 9


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## SENC

How is it that I've gone over 50 years without realizing jeep upside down spells...

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## JerseyHighlander

All funny but from all of the above, I think it's between the "office food thief" and the snakes. Great humor in something as simplistic as the snakes... but humor combined with revenge on a thieving POS, that's funny. And it's got my wheels turning. Gotta be better stuff to put in there besides soap.

Reactions: Like 1


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## eaglea1

I thought the soap was what made it funny.....


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 14 | Way Cool 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 10


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## DLJeffs

There needs to be a web site that compares what politicians and other talking heads said 5 - 10 - 20 years ago versus what they're saying today.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

Ways To Tell You're Grown Up
________________________________________
Your houseplants are alive, and you don't smoke any of them.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

You take naps.

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good "

You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

"I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "What the hell happened?"

Bonus:

You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old self.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 12


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6 | Creative 1


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## Trob115



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## DLJeffs

One of these days when I have nothing to do and am bored I'm going to post a reply to every thread category so my avatar fills the home page.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

Better watch out - to some that could be a challenge! Lil Mikey where are you?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## 2feathers Creative Making

DLJeffs said:


> One of these days when I have nothing to do and am bored I'm going to post a reply to every thread category so my avatar fills the home page.


Ah heck, I thought we were supposed to answer all conversations. I been having a heck of a time keeping up with all of em

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

DLJeffs said:


> One of these days when I have nothing to do and am bored I'm going to post a reply to every thread category so my avatar fills the home page.


I've done that many times when I was laid up on workmans comp and had nothing to do all day...

Why do you think I have almost 30,000 posts? Lol

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13

Annnnnd....I found @Tony a pair of shoes....

Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 2


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## Mike Hill

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 214980


Be careful - they're good people to build for!


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## Mike Hill

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 214975


What in the H E double hockey sticks! Say it ain't so!!! Besides, where is the feedlot for vegetarians? California? ( just had to - the devil made me do it? ). Wonder if Google has recipes for how to cook vegetarians and what glazes to use?

Reactions: Funny 3


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## phinds



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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8


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## phinds



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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Mr. Peet

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 214983


That's the easy part, welding the patch back in is tricky.


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## Wildthings

Mr. Peet said:


> That's the easy part, welding the patch back in is tricky.


Sheet metal and rivets

Reactions: Like 2


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## T. Ben

Jb weld


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## Mike Hill

Heck, i thought he was putting in a fifth wheel hitch!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

Be careful about calling yourself an EXPERT! An ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a drip under pressure!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

It's true I've done the research - Lil Mikey lives the healthy life!

Reactions: Like 5 | Funny 1


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## phinds

Mike Hill said:


> It's true I've done the research - Lil Mikey lives the healthy life!


You betcha. People who don't like bacon are just WRONG.

Reactions: Agree 5


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## Nubsnstubs

............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Nubsnstubs

............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 8 | Informative 1


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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

Nubsnstubs said:


> View attachment 215478 ............. Jerry (in Tucson)


Not sure that Lil Mikey likes this one! Too personal and it seems like that dr. Is meddling! She don't know everything!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## JerseyHighlander

Nubsnstubs said:


> View attachment 215475............. Jerry (in Tucson)


This one got me thinking... Pretty rare to see a ground hog out here in the woods/mountains. Usually somebody's dog gets em sooner than later but even then, figured it was cause granite bedrock is never far below the surface and when there is dirt, is compacted glacial till. But now I'm thinking; what's it like being a ground hog in the land of septic systems? Fraught with danger I'm guessing.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mr. Peet

JerseyHighlander said:


> This one got me thinking... Pretty rare to see a ground hog out here in the woods/mountains. Usually somebody's dog gets em sooner than later but even then, figured it was cause granite bedrock is never far below the surface and when there is dirt, is compacted glacial till. But now I'm thinking; what's it like being a ground hog in the land of septic systems? Fraught with danger I'm guessing.


Sure it stinks....I thought they were gophers.. like it matters.


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## JerseyHighlander

Mr. Peet said:


> Sure it stinks....I thought they were gophers.. like it matters.


I wouldn't know the difference.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## JerseyHighlander

*TREE PATERNITY*It's hard to find jokes that are clean these days but, here it goes...not a dirty word is used.........
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch:
Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike1950

:)

Reactions: Funny 12


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## Nubsnstubs

JerseyHighlander said:


> *TREE PATERNITY*It's hard to find jokes that are clean these days but, here it goes...not a dirty word is used.........
> Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch:
> Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
> The birch says he cannot tell.
> Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
> The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
> The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."


That is the most priceless bit of humor I've ever heard... Thanks for making my day. ........... Jerry (in Tucson) 3 beers helped me make this reply

Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 1


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## DLJeffs

Pie charts rock...

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mr. Peet

DLJeffs said:


> Pie charts rock...
> 
> View attachment 215544


Looks like 3 pieces, yet 4 o'clock...

Reactions: Informative 1


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## DLJeffs

It's a pie, not a clock.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## TimR

Exactly!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3 | Sincere 1


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## ripjack13



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## phinds



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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3 | Sincere 2


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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds

HOW SOCIAL MEDIA WORKS

ME: I like mangoes more than oranges

RANDOM RESPONSE: So you're saying that you hate oranges. Why? They're very healthy. And you don't even MENTION bananas and peaches. I guess you hate them too. What are you, a nut case? You are obviously a very disturbed person. If you don't like fruits just keep it to yourself, you creep.

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

DLJeffs said:


> Pie charts rock...
> 
> View attachment 215544


I love that one. That's actually the pic I posted in my pix that make you lol topic on the gun forum I run years ago.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## SENC

Dammit @ripjack13 , now I'll have "Purple Range" ringing in my mind all night!

Reactions: +Karma 1


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## Mr. Peet

SENC said:


> Dammit @ripjack13 , now I'll have "Purple Range" ringing in my mind all night!


And I was thinking, right story but wrong lyrics for Purple People eater (after seeing that One eye...)..

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13

SENC said:


> Dammit @ripjack13 , now I'll have "Purple Range" ringing in my mind all night!


I had to explain it to a couole of people here at work. 
Those who know, know....lol

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 215685





ripjack13 said:


> I had to explain it to a couole of people here at work.
> Those who know, know....lol


H. E. Double hockey sticks - I didn't have a clue until the @SENC post. Then googled the first sentence and voila!


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## SENC

ripjack13 said:


> I had to explain it to a couole of people here at work.
> Those who know, know....lol


Shocking that anyone wouldn't immediately get the reference to the DY classic!

Reactions: Like 2


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## Mike Hill

A howkumsit moment - eight years later!!!

So howkumsit when Miley Cyrus strips down, dances suggestively, nude and licks a hammer
it is called art and over a billion people watch it?

But when Lil Mikey does the same thing - he gets rudely kicked outta Home Depot!!

He don't understand! Maybe its because there wasn't a wrecking ball hanging around and if there were - he ain't gonna sit and swing on a wrecking ball - that gotta hurt. Maybe gynaecomastia. In 45 plus years playing around the construction business - Lil Mikey ain't never seen a wrecking ball. He'd love to have one for a front yard ornament though!

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Trob115



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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Great Post 1


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## phinds



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## ripjack13

Why is the mens bathroom always on the left?





Because women are always right.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## phinds



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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13

Rats. I should have posted that in how's your day been....


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## trc65

A mod could probably move that for you!

Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 3 | Informative 1


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## ripjack13

trc65 said:


> A mod could probably move that for you!


I'm not so sure. We may need to call in an admin for that one....lol

Reactions: Funny 2


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## JerseyHighlander

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 215685


That unmistakable sound from across the house, when you realize your wife/mom/sister/daughter didn't look before sitting down...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## phinds

This one hits close to home:

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8


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## phinds



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## FranklinWorkshops

Too true

Reactions: Funny 10


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## phinds

the way the dog tells it

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7


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## Tom Smart



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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 3 | Funny 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9 | Sincere 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 12


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## woodtickgreg

Stanley.......I guess he was fully charged.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## DLJeffs

...possessed more like it. "They're here!"

Reactions: Funny 3


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## trc65

I would never be able to catch it on camera, but you should see our cat's eyes at night when I shine a flashlight towards the shed. 12 pairs of eyes reflecting in the total dark....

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## Herb G.

trc65 said:


> I would never be able to catch it on camera, but you should see our cat's eyes at night when I shine a flashlight towards the shed. 12 pairs of eyes reflecting in the total dark....



I used to have a neighbor who had a yard full of junk. Old bathtubs, washers, dryers, lawnmowers, you name it.
I'd shine my flashlight over in his yard at night & I'd see 100's of little green eyes looking back at me.
Guess what those eyes belonged to?



Rats. 100's of them. The county finally came out & hauled away 8 dump truck loads of crap from his yard, & charged him over $4000 to do it.
If you don't pay, they file a lien on your property. No joke.

Reactions: Like 2


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## woodtickgreg

Herb G. said:


> I used to have a neighbor who had a yard full of junk. Old bathtubs, washers, dryers, lawnmowers, you name it.
> I'd shine my flashlight over in his yard at night & I'd see 100's of little green eyes looking back at me.
> Guess what those eyes belonged to?
> 
> 
> 
> Rats. 100's of them. The county finally came out & hauled away 8 dump truck loads of crap from his yard, & charged him over $4000 to do it.
> If you don't pay, they file a lien on your property. No joke.


Sounds like fun with a night vision gun scope and an air rifle, lol.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6


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## Herb G.

woodtickgreg said:


> Sounds like fun with a night vision gun scope and an air rifle, lol.


I used to pop them with a .22 & subsonic ammo. It sounded like a small firecracker.

Reactions: Like 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Mr. Peet

Herb G. said:


> I used to have a neighbor who had a yard full of junk. Old bathtubs, washers, dryers, lawnmowers, you name it.
> I'd shine my flashlight over in his yard at night & I'd see 100's of little green eyes looking back at me.
> Guess what those eyes belonged to?
> 
> 
> 
> Rats. 100's of them. The county finally came out & hauled away 8 dump truck loads of crap from his yard, & charged him over $4000 to do it.
> If you don't pay, they file a lien on your property. No joke.


Sounds like a big brother town. They did that one town over from us, while the owner was in the hospital losing a leg to diabetes. Months later he had a lawsuit filed, he had receipts for Snap-on tools that came up missing, photos of the native wood rat on the property, and copies of on line offers to buy some of the claw foot tubs. The town charged him $13k and he got back over $50k by the time the dust settled. He died before the last payment so guess the family got paid. Most were happy to see the place cleaned up, just sad to see how it played out.

Reactions: +Karma 1


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## JerseyHighlander

Mr. Peet said:


> Sounds like a big brother town. They did that one town over from us, while the owner was in the hospital losing a leg to diabetes. Months later he had a lawsuit filed, he had receipts for Snap-on tools that came up missing, photos of the native wood rat on the property, and copies of on line offers to buy some of the claw foot tubs. The town charged him $13k and he got back over $50k by the time the dust settled. He died before the last payment so guess the family got paid. Most were happy to see the place cleaned up, just sad to see how it played out.


People need to learn the value of No Trespassing signs again. And "Big Brothers" uncles need to sit him down and have a talk he won't forget.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Herb G.

There was an 80 year old man in the doctor’s office getting his yearly physical. The doctor said, “George, you’re as fit as a fiddle! You’re 80 years old, you have the body of a 40 year old, and you’re in as good shape as a 25 year old! What do you attribute that to?”The man says, “Well, Doctor, I attribute that to my healthy relationship with the Lord. We’re so close that when I get up during the night to relieve myself He turns on the bathroom light for me.”This last remark concerns the doctor a bit so he excuses himself and steps into the waiting room to talk to the man’s wife. He tells her that George is as healthy as a horse but he did say something that concerned him. He tells her that George says he and the Lord are so close that when he goes to the bathroom the Lord turns on the light for him. “Ah!” she said with her head in her hand. “That explains who’s been peeing in the refrigerator!”

Reactions: Funny 10 | +Karma 1 | Sincere 1


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## JerseyHighlander

A man walking on a beach finds an old strange bottle. He picks it up and uncorks it and out pops the Genie so thankful for being released he tells the man he will grant him any wish he desires. The man is thrilled and tells the Genie that he has always wanted to go to Hawaii but he's terrified of the ocean & boats. Can you build me a highway that I can drive from California to Hawaii. The Genie is shocked at the request. Do you understand the logistics of what you're asking for? It's thousands of miles of road, with hundreds of huge concrete piers that must be driven hundreds, even thousands of feet deep to the ocean floor, all stout enough to withstand the ocean waves, high enough to allow passage of massive ships... I am all powerful but the scope of this is truly enormous, even for me! Isn't there anything else you might wish for? The man thinks for a moment and says, I've always been confounded by women... can you help me to understand how they think? The Genie's eyes nearly come out of his head as he lowers his gaze and asks; Do you want that highway to be two lanes or four?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Herb G.

An onion, a rutabaga and a carrot are out for a drive when they get into a bad accident. The onion and the rutabaga aren’t seriously injured, but the carrot seems to be in bad shape. 911 is called; the carrot is rushed to the ER. Hours go by as the onion and rutabaga sit nervously in the waiting room.

Finally, the surgeon comes out. “Well, I have good news and bad news,” he begins. “Your friend is still alive; that’s the good news.”

“And the bad news?” the rutabaga asks.

“I’m afraid he’s going to be a vegetable the rest of his life.”

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## trc65

Where's the groan icon?

Reactions: Agree 7 | Funny 1


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## Herb G.

An older Irish woman was staring intensely at her naked self in her full length mirror in the bedroom. She seemed quite pleased.Her husband walked in and asked “And just what might ya be doin’ there, me Missus?"“I had me physical today" she replied, "and me doctor told me I was a beautiful woman who should be proud of her aging body,” “Oh really? asked the husband dryly. “He said that did he? And what did he say about your fat Irish arse?”Without missing a beat and just as dryly, she said, “You didn’t come up in the conversation, Dear.”

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 12


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## phinds

Hilarious short movie. I saw it billed as the best short movie ever and I'd have to agree.

Reactions: Funny 6 | Sincere 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 8 | Funny 3


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## phinds

My kind of glasses:

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 10


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## Bigg081

phinds said:


> View attachment 216757


Reminds me of how @Mike Hill likes to use his words.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Gdurfey

Bigg081 said:


> Reminds me of how @Mike Hill likes to use his words.


Now that hits close to home….. so a friend said

Reactions: Funny 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 4


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 5 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6 | Funny 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 8


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## phinds



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## phinds

Tennis players having fun on the court

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Bigdrowdy1

phinds said:


> View attachment 216851


Took a minute! I need more coffee!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## woodtickgreg

phinds said:


> View attachment 216853


Being a truck driver I can't tell you how correct this is!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Clay3063

phinds said:


> View attachment 216827


True Story!


----------



## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

Now, let it be known that Lil Mikey was traduced earlier in this thread, but he won't aberrate, other than to propound that Lil Mikey would never.............

Reactions: Funny 10


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## DLJeffs

Almost daylight savings time...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## Nubsnstubs

DLJeffs said:


> Almost daylight savings time...
> 
> View attachment 216915
> 
> View attachment 216916


It's so true with the animals. And, according to science, we were animals once............ Jerry (in Tucson)


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## eaglea1

Nubsnstubs said:


> It's so true with the animals. And, according to science, we were animals once............ Jerry (in Tucson)


I think a lot are going back to being animals!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## T. Ben

eaglea1 said:


> I think a lot are going back to being animals!


Behaving like them anyway.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## JerseyHighlander

phinds said:


> View attachment 216934


That's funny. But everybody in the northeast knows they inhabit the southern range of the White Mountains, just north of Lake Winnipesaukee. Good hunting there.








Sandwich · New Hampshire


New Hampshire




www.google.com

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5 | Sincere 1


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## phinds

fun with autocorrect

Reactions: Funny 6


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## 2feathers Creative Making

Found this little jewel in the Nashville tn craigslist freebies...

Reactions: Funny 11 | Way Cool 1


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## woodtickgreg

That's awesome!


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## phinds

I particularly like his statement on the quantity.


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Nubsnstubs

2feathers Creative Making said:


> Found this little jewel in the Nashville tn craigslist freebies...View attachment 217000


His honesty/integrity is superb. Not a lie in his description. ........... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> View attachment 217001


I suppose you would use separate pots. That is likely an older sign / posts as now it tends to be cook meth and clean a crab. Of course, much more common closer to the shore than the sticks but have seen it here as well.


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> View attachment 217036


To bad the 15% wasn't in a useful spot. How heavy were your frosts the past few days?


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 6


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## DLJeffs

The really sad part is someone felt it was necessary to add that warning to the package. I'm expecting the day will come soon that we all get a message first thing in the morning when we wake up "Don't forget to breath and be careful getting out of bed."

Reactions: Agree 3


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## phinds

DLJeffs said:


> The really sad part is someone felt it was necessary to add that warning to the package. I'm expecting the day will come soon that we all get a message first thing in the morning when we wake up "Don't forget to breath and be careful getting out of bed."


My favorite is still the bin of raw in-the-shell peanuts that had a big sign "THIS PRODUCT CONTAINS PEANUTS". It was probably in California.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## JerseyHighlander

phinds said:


> View attachment 217001

Reactions: Funny 4


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## phinds



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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> View attachment 217249


Must be for pygmy elephants, they don't make cars big enough for the big ones, other than RR cars...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 1 | Sincere 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds



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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Wildthings

Mr. Peet said:


> Must be for pygmy elephants, they don't make cars big enough for the big ones, other than RR cars...


It really depends on the size of their trunks!...................bada boooom

Reactions: Funny 4 | Informative 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Herb G.

We've all heard the term "Alcohol is a crutch".
Well, if alcohol is a crutch, George Dickel is a wheelchair.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## phinds

Herb G. said:


> We've all heard the term "Alcohol is a crutch".
> Well, if alcohol is a crutch, George Dickel is a wheelchair.


Had to look that one up. You speakin' from personal experience?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Herb G.

phinds said:


> Had to look that one up. You speakin' from personal experience?


Yep. I had to quit drinking that stuff about 30 years ago.
I switched to rum. Have to quit now for health reasons.

Reactions: Informative 1


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## T. Ben

Herb G. said:


> Yep. I had to quit drinking that stuff about 30 years ago.
> I switched to rum. Have to quit now for health reasons.


I had to look it up too,the doctors told my dad he had to quit drinking beer,but said he could have one a day,dad says,what’s the point.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Wildthings

phinds said:


> View attachment 217391View attachment 217392View attachment 217393View attachment 217394View attachment 217395View attachment 217396View attachment 217397


Hmmmmm why is this in the "Joke" thread....it should be in the "Texas Fact" thread!! MODS!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6 | Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

NNNNnnnnnnoooooooooo! Not even Lil Mikey would partake!


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## phinds

Mike Hill said:


> NNNNnnnnnnoooooooooo! Not even Lil Mikey would partake!


Oh, I don't know. According to the commercial, Mikey will eat ANYTHING.


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## Mike Hill

Not to be TOO technical - but that would be drinking and not eating - Lil Mikey don't drink EVERYTHING!

But it sort looks like a bowl of Babe Ruth bars with some of the chocolate coating sucked off. And Lil Mikey liked Babe Ruth bars in his younger age!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Nubsnstubs

Mike Hill said:


> NNNNnnnnnnoooooooooo! Not even Lil Mikey would partake!
> 
> View attachment 217495


Man, that looks a lot like some Coyote "logs" I saw on a dirt road out by my house yesterday. All that was needed is the bowl.. hehehe I'm now wishing I had taken a picture, but never thought I'd need one for proof.

I found a pile of charred but unburnt Mesquite stumps near the droppings. Man, I wish I was young and had a source to sell this stuff. I'm being punished as a hoarder in being too old to get into this. And, it's everywhere, and less than 3 miles from my house.  .. ... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 1 | Sincere 2


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## Mike Hill

Mesquite stumps - that be like ----- kewl!

Reactions: Way Cool 2


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## Nubsnstubs

.
............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Nubsnstubs

................... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

.......... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Nubsnstubs

............... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

Jerry must have had time on his hands!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 4


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## Nubsnstubs

Mike Hill said:


> Jerry must have had time on his hands!


Yesterday and the day before were "recuperating" days. Of course, I then go out into the desert and stress out looking at all those stumps that I think I'm gonna leave them where they lay. ........... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Sincere 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7 | Informative 1


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## JerseyHighlander

Nubsnstubs said:


> View attachment 217513
> 
> ................... Jerry (in Tucson)


I don't know what you think is funny about that one... I could put a checkmark next to every item except -Falling out of a tree.

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 4


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## trc65

phinds said:


> View attachment 217574


Only thing wrong with that is he forgot to trim the "tail" of the zip tie!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## trc65

We used to always have a demented doll room in the Haunted House, but never did anything as freaky as this!

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## phinds

trc65 said:


> Only thing wrong with that is he forgot to trim the "tail" of the zip tie!


You think maybe that's part of the POINT of the joke?

Oh. Sorry. You're making another joke. I get too serious sometimes.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Wildthings

phinds said:


> View attachment 217575





trc65 said:


> View attachment 217580
> 
> We used to always have a demented doll room in the Haunted House, but never did anything as freaky as this!


I'm assuming these two are neighbors or know each other

Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13

Murphy's First Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Murphy's Second Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.

Murphy's Third Law: Everything takes longer than you think it will. 

Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.

Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway. 

Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. 

Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 

Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 

Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 

Murphy's Tenth Law: Mother nature is a bitch.

Murphy's Eleventh Law: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Murphy's Twelfth Law: Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

Murphy's Thirteenth Law: Every solution breeds new problems. 

Murphy's Fourteenth Law: If anything can't go wrong on its own, someone will make it go wrong.

If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 

Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either. 

Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 

Murphy's Time-Action Quandary: You never know how soon is too late. 

O'Toole's Commentary On Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist. 

Proof of Murphy's Law: Murphy's Law cannot be proven, yet is correct, as when you try to prove Murphy's Law, you will see that the proof is incorrect. This is obviously due to Murphy's Law, therefore Murphy's Law is correct and proven.

Stewart's Corollary to Murphy's Law: Murphy's Law may be delayed or suspended for an indefinite period of time, provided that such delay or suspension will result in a greater catastrophe at a later date. 

Zymurgy's Seventh Exception to Murphy's Laws: When it rains, it pours.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 7


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## DLJeffs

That's why I measure the success of my projects by how many trips I make to the hardware store.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## TimR



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Herb G.

Mike Hill said:


> NNNNnnnnnnoooooooooo! Not even Lil Mikey would partake!
> 
> View attachment 217495


I've had Luwak coffee. It tastes like chit.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 4 | Useful 1


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## JerseyHighlander

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 217600


Couldn't agree more. I've always said; "they don't explode when you step on them". Around here people bag them, then put 40 or 50 bags out in front of their house and trucks come around to pick them up. You'd think they're toxic waste or something.

Reactions: Like 2


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## woodtickgreg

I mulch mine every year. I never even bag my grass, lol.


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## Gdurfey

ripjack13 said:


> Murphy's First Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
> 
> Murphy's Second Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
> 
> Murphy's Third Law: Everything takes longer than you think it will.
> 
> Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
> 
> Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
> 
> Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
> 
> Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
> 
> Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
> 
> Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
> 
> Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
> 
> Murphy's Tenth Law: Mother nature is a bitch.
> 
> Murphy's Eleventh Law: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
> 
> Murphy's Twelfth Law: Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
> 
> Murphy's Thirteenth Law: Every solution breeds new problems.
> 
> Murphy's Fourteenth Law: If anything can't go wrong on its own, someone will make it go wrong.
> 
> If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
> 
> Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either.
> 
> Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
> 
> Murphy's Time-Action Quandary: You never know how soon is too late.
> 
> O'Toole's Commentary On Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.
> 
> Proof of Murphy's Law: Murphy's Law cannot be proven, yet is correct, as when you try to prove Murphy's Law, you will see that the proof is incorrect. This is obviously due to Murphy's Law, therefore Murphy's Law is correct and proven.
> 
> Stewart's Corollary to Murphy's Law: Murphy's Law may be delayed or suspended for an indefinite period of time, provided that such delay or suspension will result in a greater catastrophe at a later date.
> 
> Zymurgy's Seventh Exception to Murphy's Laws: When it rains, it pours.



Nothing funny about Murphy. I’m choking him in heaven right after I choke Confusus

Reactions: Funny 3


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## JerseyHighlander

Gdurfey said:


> Nothing funny about Murphy. I’m choking him in heaven right after I choke Confusus


Haha. I'll be happy to send Murphy to heaven for ya. If I can ever get the little bastard in my crosshairs, he'll be there waiting for you.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

I'm really grateful "trap door bears" don't exist the same way "trap door spiders" do.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## DLJeffs

ripjack13 said:


> I'm really grateful "trap door bears" don't exist the same way "trap door spiders" do.


I'm reading a book about wasps and I'm grateful they don't grow as big as a badger. There's some seriously evil wasps. They sting another insect to partially paralyze it, cut off the antennae, and then use the shortened antennae to lead the prey into a burrow. There, they sting it again to fully, permanently paralyze everything except the life supporting functions. The wasp lays an egg on the insect and then seals up the burrow. The egg hatches, the larva burrows into the insect and proceeds to eat it from the inside.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## JerseyHighlander

ripjack13 said:


> I'm really grateful "trap door bears" don't exist the same way "trap door spiders" do.


Talk to a home inspector about the inspection of crawlspaces under country homes. Especially those with missing access doors... You might change your mind.

Reactions: Like 1


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## JerseyHighlander

DLJeffs said:


> I'm reading a book about wasps and I'm grateful they don't grow as big as a badger. There's some seriously evil wasps. They sting another insect to partially paralyze it, cut off the antennae, and then use the shortened antennae to lead the prey into a burrow. There, they sting it again to fully, permanently paralyze everything except the life supporting functions. The wasp lays an egg on the insect and then seals up the burrow. The egg hatches, the larva burrows into the insect and proceeds to eat it from the inside.


They sound a lot like politicians & lawyers.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 8


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5


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## Herb G.

"I'm sorry for beating you with that axe handle." But, you kept talking & I was afraid you'd never shut up.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## JerseyHighlander

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 217707


That's pure genius right there.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## TimR

True!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Mr. Peet

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 217702


That would work for a few years, but shape shifting is the norm....


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5 | Sincere 1


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## Clay3063

phinds said:


> View attachment 217041


I think we need a new emoticon for this one. Prophetic.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Clay3063

woodtickgreg said:


> I mulch mine every year. I never even bag my grass, lol.


Something I've learned since moving to the mountains. That last sentence takes on a whole new meaning here in Colorado. Just saying.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill

Ok, it took me a minute or two - but I got it!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## DLJeffs

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 217707


This shot of someone putting a saw blade into the cd player reminded me of when I was washing our old Honda and my then 4 year old son was inside, playing. I used to toss my spare change in the ash tray. He found that change and decided it'd be good fun to insert coins into every slot he could find. Had to dismantle the dash, took over $5 out of the cd player alone. He was lucky to make it 5 years old that day.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## JerseyHighlander

DLJeffs said:


> This shot of someone putting a saw blade into the cd player reminded me of when I was washing our old Honda and my then 4 year old son was inside, playing. I used to toss my spare change in the ash tray. He found that change and decided it'd be good fun to insert coins into every slot he could find. Had to dismantle the dash, took over $5 out of the cd player alone. He was lucky to make it 5 years old that day.


That's hysterical! 

Made me remember the time my little brother crammed as many of these as would fit into the 8-track player...

Reactions: Funny 4 | Sincere 1


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## JerseyHighlander

And since we're going back to the days of wooden peg people... 

How many of you think we need a modern day Archie (sp?).

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 6 | Funny 3


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## JerseyHighlander

Since roughly 25% of the W.B. population appears to be from Texas, this may have already been posted but.

Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 2 | Funny 6


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## phinds

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. 
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV....

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

Reactions: Funny 10


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## JerseyHighlander



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 5


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7 | Informative 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 4


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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Nubsnstubs

> HUSBANDS ARE HUSBANDS





> A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.





> 'What was that for?' the man asked.





> The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.





> The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'





> The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.





> Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.





> Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Nubsnstubs

> CONFESSION





> A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'





> The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'





> The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'





> The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'





> The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.





> He paused for a moment and then started to leave.





> The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'





> The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Nubsnstubs

> There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'





> The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'





> The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'





> The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'





> The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'





> The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

> Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'





> Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'





> Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'





> Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Nubsnstubs

> Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'





> 'It is!'





> 'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'





> 'I can!'





> 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'





> 'I do!'





> 'Is he a member of your congregation?'





> 'He is!'





> 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'





> 'He will.'

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

> An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:





> Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'





> Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'





> Man: 'What sins?'





> Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'





> Man: 'I'm Jewish.'





> Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'





> Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Nubsnstubs

> An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.





> 'I'm 90 years old,' he says.





> '90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'





> 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Nubsnstubs

> A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.





> 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.





> The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.





> 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.





> 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.





> 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.





> 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.





> The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

> MARRIAGE HUMOUR





> Wife: 'What are you doing?'





> Husband: Nothing.





> Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'





> Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

> Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'





> Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'





> Wife: 'Yes or no.'

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Nubsnstubs

> Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'





> Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'





> Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Nubsnstubs

> COURTESY





> Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'





> Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'





> Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

> A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'





> 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

> WRONG ANSWER





> A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'





> He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## bhatleberg

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch, who?
Gesundheit.

Guess who had a house full of kids yesterday...

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Mike Hill

Not really a joke because it makes me feel old. Tom and Jerry are now 81 years old. They first appeared in 1940.

But then again Popeye is 92 years old! But I think he was supposed to be 34 years old, so that makes him what - 126 years old! Jeez!! That also means Olive Oyl is also that old - I shudder to think what she looks like now!!!!

I'm closer to the age of Gumby (shudder - but no relation) who first aired in 1955.

Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 1 | Sincere 2


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## SENC

Mike Hill said:


> Not really a joke because it makes me feel old. Tom and Jerry are now 81 years old. They first appeared in 1940.
> 
> But then again Popeye is 92 years old! But I think he was supposed to be 34 years old, so that makes him what - 126 years old! Jeez!! That also means Olive Oyl is also that old - I shudded to think what she looks like now!!!!
> 
> I'm closer to the age of Gumby (shudder - but no relation) who first aired in 1955.
> 
> View attachment 218306


You're just a young pup, Mike, compared to our very own @Mike1950. He relates more to these cartoon figures:

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 12 | +Karma 1


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## phinds

Hey ! That's not a cartoon, it's a drawing of some of the people in my village when I was younger. That's my Uncle Bob there with the bow and arrow and the lady above him with her arms in the air is my crazy Aunt Edna.

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike Hill

SENC said:


> You're just a young pup, Mike, compared to our very own @Mike1950. He relates more to these cartoon figures:
> 
> View attachment 218312


I stand in respect to the aged! 

I just want to know who those two guys are that hav..........well never mind! Reminds me of a statue I saw in Athens - I think his name was Priapus - I wonder if they are related? Then we went to Cairo the next day and met Min. That all took some explaining to our 14 y.o. daughter.

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## Mike1950

SENC said:


> You're just a young pup, Mike, compared to our very own @Mike1950. He relates more to these cartoon figures:
> 
> View attachment 218312


grrrrrrrr

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2 | Sincere 2


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## Nubsnstubs

Mike Hill said:


> I stand in respect to the aged!
> *
> I just want to know who those two guys are that hav.....*.....well never mind! Reminds me of a statue I saw in Athens - I think his name was Priapus - I wonder if they are related? Then we went to Cairo the next day and met Min. That all took some explaining to our 14 y.o. daughter.


I think they have some illicit thoughts about Aunt Edna. ................. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Wildthings

Mike1950 said:


> grrrrrrrr


Where's Clyde?

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## Tom Smart



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## BCwoodcarver

Three Irishmen were seen leaving a bar...........

Three older guys were leaving a bar and one said " Its windy isnt it?" second guy says , "no, its Thursday," third guy said" Me too, lets go back in and have another beer"

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## Mike Hill

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 218330


That made my night!

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## Herb G.

Heap big Indian chief walks into a whorehouse.
He holds up his hand to the clerk at the desk, & says "When"?
The clerk holds up their hand & says "Don't you mean how"?
Heap big chief says "Me know how, wanna know when".

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## phinds



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## Mike Hill

Lil Mikey's Life Philosophy:

I will not be another flower,
picked for my beauty and left to die.
I will be wild
difficult to find
and impossible to forget.

Reactions: Like 3


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## Wildthings

Mike Hill said:


> Lil Mikey's Life Philosophy:
> 
> I will not be another flower,
> picked for my beauty and left to die.
> I will be wild
> difficult to find
> and impossible to forget.


so that's in the joke thread...

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## Wildthings

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser,

wait for it........................................


but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

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## Mike Hill

I spent part of the weekend attending a small antiques show, and then a bit of time helping my wife put stuff in her antiques booth. At both places I was privileged to overhear conversations between young millennial females of the opposite sex.

Lil Mikey's take:

With the amount of millennials suffering from allergies, future biological weapons will only need to be made with a mixture of lactose, peanuts and gluten!

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## scootac

Mike Hill said:


> ....... between young millennial females of the opposite sex.......


"Females of the opposite sex"......

Huh....wait.....whut????

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## phinds

scootac said:


> "Females of the opposite sex"......
> 
> Huh....wait.....whut????


Hey, you can't be too careful these days

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## phinds



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## Mike Hill

scootac said:


> "Females of the opposite sex"......
> 
> Huh....wait.....whut????


Jes covering all bases!


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## Mike Hill

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again."

Bob, in complete shock, didn't know what to do.....................

A few moments later a second text came in: "Danged spell check! I meant "wi-fi"".

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Spinartist

Ahhh, duct tape. The cure all tool! 
One of my clients $120,000 Porsche being held together with it.

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## Mr. Peet

Spinartist said:


> Ahhh, duct tape. The cure all tool!
> One of my clients $120,000 Porsche being held together with it.
> 
> View attachment 218655


Curbs, parking lot speed bumps and parking space curb stops cost rich people millions each year.


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## Mike Hill

Mr. Peet said:


> Curbs, parking lot speed bumps and parking space curb stops cost rich people millions each year.


Boy, you ain't kidding. Church buddy of mine did that to his new Roller Ghost, then a couple of months later to his GT-R. He vows for that not to happen to his Quattroporte, but I think a horse kicked it - he won't tell me how the dent happened.

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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> Boy, you ain't kidding. Church buddy of mine did that to his new Roller Ghost, then a couple of months later to his GT-R. He vows for that not to happen to his Quattroporte, but I think a horse kicked it - he won't tell me how the dent happened.


Where the SUCKS button.


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## Mike Hill

He's got a billion or two laying around - so no biggie. His wife died a couple of years ago and I haven't seen so much of him - so no idea of what he is driving now. He sold his Central Park penthouse (I wonder if @Arn213 decor.....errr.....designed it?) and I think he is spending a lot of time up in CO. He has a small barn on his property in town here and he hired a young lady artist to paint a nativity scene on a huge canvas tarp and he hangs if on the roof of the barn for all to enjoy and rents a gas powered light plant to light it up! 4 or 5 years ago the barn burned down and he got so many people to comment about their sentiments about it that he built a new barn just to hang the nativity scene on (he did not want to be known as the Grinch that stole Brentwood's christmas!) and had the artist refresh the "canvas".

This is what it used to look like








This is what is looks like now - I think they put the canvas up today - I saw that the lifts were delivered yesterday.

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## phinds

There are two kinds of people in this world: those that finish what they start and

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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds

Based on the absolutely, unbelievably, staggeringly amazing details in his scroll saw work, I think this might be @Kenbo

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## phinds



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## Nubsnstubs

*2 Diaries*



> *Wife's Diary:*
> Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
> I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
> Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
> I asked him what was wrong. He said. "Nothing".
> I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
> He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
> 
> On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
> He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
> When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
> Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep. I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
> *Husband's Diary:*
> A one-foot putt, who the hell misses a one-foot putt?...
> ......................... Jerry (in Tucson)
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...

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## Mike Hill

AND if that don't work - then I buy purdy wood!

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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## woodtickgreg

We use shampoo because it smells better than realpoo.

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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## Nubsnstubs

Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............. Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

.............Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

........ Jerry(in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............. Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

.......... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............. Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

. ............... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

........ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

................. Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

........... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

................ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

................ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## JerseyHighlander

Nubsnstubs said:


> View attachment 219145 .............Jerry (in Tucson)


Best in Show!


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## phinds

The new COVID mantra:

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 5 | Funny 2


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## JerseyHighlander

phinds said:


> The new COVID mantra:
> 
> View attachment 219170


Politicians?

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## TimR

Want to feel old???

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## Wildthings

Well crap! Tabatha is the one that really got me. But I feel them all

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## Mr. Peet

TimR said:


> Want to feel old???
> 
> View attachment 219179


Elvis was born in 1935, so he would be 86....and 87 in a month.

But yah, point taken, time sucks sometimes.


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## Mr. Peet

Wildthings said:


> Well crap! Tabatha is the one that really got me. But I feel them all


That sounds a bit perverted if you want it too.

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## Mike Hill

Yet, I feel like a spry young pup compared to @Mike1950! Scratching my head!!!!! How does that happen?

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## Mike1950

Mike Hill said:


> Yet, I feel like a spry young pup compared to @Mike1950! Scratching my head!!!!! How does that happen?

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Wildthings

Mr. Peet said:


> That sounds a bit perverted if you want it too.


If the shoe fits..............


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## ripjack13

Wildthings said:


> Well crap! Tabatha is the one that really got me. But I feel them all


hmmm...I liked Jan Brady....


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## vegas urban lumber

ripjack13 said:


> hmmm...I liked Jan Brady....


hmmm... i like Topanga

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Hill

Pikers! One and all - Pikers!!!!!! Tabatha????? Brady bunch???????????? and Phoebe Cates or any of the American Pie(s) cast don't count either!

This makes my dreams to be or would have been:

Linda (pea soup) Blair - 62
Barbara Stock - 65
Nicolette Scorsese - 67
Ronda Jeter (lil Opie's girlfriend) - 68 probably
Susan Dey - 69 (included even though she was too hippieish when young)
The Hee-Haw girls - some of them have to be over 72
Barbara Bach - 74
Adrienne Barbeau - 76
Loni Anderson - 76

Betty Jo - 77 (anybody wanna guess?)
Bobbie Jo - 77
Billie Jo - 81

Wilma Flintstone - has be be about 81 - was probably 20 when first appeared in 1960
Dawn Wells - 83
Donna Douglas - 89
Carolyn Jones - 91
Miss Kitty - 92
Butterfly (I don't know nuthin 'bout birthin' babies) McQueen - 110
Bettie Boop - has to be at least 111 - had to be at least 20 when she first appeared in 1930
Olive Oyle - fahgetabouther - too old!

And last and the best - Raquel (well-preserved) Welch - 81

And who could forget the red-heads (Lil Mikey couldn't)
Anne Margaret - 80
Maureen O'hara - 101

Special kudos go to the smoldering italian jobs or wannabe italian jobs

Gina Lollabridgida - 94
Sophia (well-preserved) Loren - 87
Claudia Cardinell - 83

And the 2 space Judy's
Marta Kristen (Lost in Space) - 76
Judy Jetson - 74 (had to be at least 15 when it debuted 59 years ago)

And another space travelor - Robot Model B-9 - definitely not a girlish figure! Age is up for debate. 56 if based on when first appeared on screen, but 24 if based on the time frame - the Jupiter 2 took off at 8:17 on October 16, 1997.

And I have to add the girl that used to sing to me (My heart said she was) - ON-J - 73

Oh, and cannot forget Kim (she danced with me once) Tomes - Miss Texas 1976 and Miss USA 1977 and fellow Aggie - but she's my age!

And just because Big Lil Mikey noticed her on a magazine cover in the grocery - Faith Hill - nuff said!

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## Arn213

Lil Mikey that is an impressive Rolodex of dead or barely hanging on their lives list of ladies and the numerical age you listed is mind boggling- ever consider auditioning for Jeopardy? Have you swap list with your other half and see the list of dudes she has there from A-Z?

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

Arn213 said:


> Lil Mikey that is an impressive Rolodex of dead or barely hanging on their lives list of ladies and the numerical age you listed is mind boggling- ever consider auditioning for Jeopardy? Have you swap list with your other half and see the list of dudes she has there from A-Z?


I'm still breathing and walking so - NO - I have not consulted with the prettier and better half!

But I do know she had a thing for Richard Boone in Have Gun Will Travel. And other cowboys in chaps.

On a lessor note - the Beatles and the Monkees!

And when she was a wee lass - she wrote an invitation to someone to come visit her hometown. He didn't show up - AND I can't remember who - possibly one of the Beatles. I'll have to hint around. 

I think she also invited someone from the Wizard of Oz cast and Toto showed up for a parade. However, she was heartbroken - Instead of being a Cairn Terrier - a cocker spaniel showed up. Lil Mikey's very young and very pre-Mikey pretty half did not understand that the movie was made 20+ years before.

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1


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## ripjack13

vegas urban lumber said:


> hmmm... i like Topanga


Boy meets world?

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Mike Hill said:


> And last and the best - Raquel (well-preserved) Welch - 81



She was in the tv series I worked on in Cali back in 2002...looked good then..

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## Gdurfey

Never realized Anne Margaret was that much older than Raquel…..

Have to go look for Grumpy Old Men tonight….. love Anne and Sophia

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## Mike Hill

Grumpy old men - one of them "magical" movies!

Actually, I guess fat fingers got in the way - but Anne is only 80. I edited.

I love the pic of her on the Harley Chopper!!

And she certainly made me look at baked beans in a whole new light!

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## DLJeffs

Could just as easily insert "a new band saw and a set of Forstner bits"

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## Mike Hill

?


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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## ripjack13

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 219222


Fascinating....

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## JerseyHighlander



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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 219221


This time of day, more like Jimmy Dean cool....

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## Mike1950

Sick but funny

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## Mike Hill

Mr. Peet said:


> This time of day, more like Jimmy Dean cool....


I can be down with that! He makes good breakfast sausage. Not homemade but pretty good for store bought especially the Sage variety. Not all fat and fillers. First made in Texas, then TN - what could be bad about that?

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## DLJeffs

Technology isn't always the big benefit it's cracked up to be ...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## phinds

Over on the Physics Forums there was a thread about homeopathic "medicine" which got shut down pretty quickly (we don't do pseudo science over there) but not before this was posted:

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> Over on the Physics Forums there was a thread about homeopathic "medicine" which got shut down pretty quickly (we don't do pseudo science over there) but not before this was posted:
> View attachment 219409


That is clearly mislabeled. Homeopathic Firefighters use natural resources, primarily water. That looks to be the Scientific supplied Newbie Firefighter with a chemical method being tried. If it is foam, better to use a water line infused with A, B or other sufficant while wearing SCBA and full turn-out gear.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Bigg081

Mr. Peet said:


> That is clearly mislabeled. Homeopathic Firefighters use natural resources, primarily water. That looks to be the Scientific supplied Newbie Firefighter with a chemical method being tried. If it is foam, better to use a water line infused with A, B or other sufficant while wearing SCBA and full turn-out gear.


Spoken like a real Fireman!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

A Christmas Story:
Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter said, 'In honor of this holy season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It's a candle, he said. Saint Peter said 'It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates.

The Air Force pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells. Saint Peter said, 'They had a ring to them; you may pass through the pearly gates.

The Marine pilot started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' He replied, 'These are Carols.'

And so, my friends, the Christmas Season Begins...

Reactions: Funny 10


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## JerseyHighlander

phinds said:


> Over on the Physics Forums there was a thread about homeopathic "medicine" which got shut down pretty quickly (we don't do pseudo science over there) but not before this was posted:
> View attachment 219409


"pseudo science"... Funny. There's this physics guy you may have heard of, his name was Tesla. He's been quoted a few times, especially with regard to newer studies in quantum physics. “If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.”


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## phinds

JerseyHighlander said:


> "pseudo science"... Funny. There's this physics guy you may have heard of, his name was Tesla. He's been quoted a few times, especially with regard to newer studies in quantum physics. “If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.”


Tesla was not involved in pseudo science, he's just been vastly overhyped in recent years and he was overly optimistic about the potential results of some of his inventions.

Also, he was a highly gifted engineer who sometimes had an overblown opinion of his grasp of fundamental physics as was clearly demonstrated by his misunderstanding of quantum mechanics.


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## Sprung



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## JerseyHighlander

phinds said:


> Tesla was not involved in pseudo science, he's just been vastly overhyped in recent years and he was overly optimistic about the potential results of some of his inventions.
> 
> Also, he was a highly gifted engineer who sometimes had an overblown opinion of his grasp of fundamental physics as was clearly demonstrated by his misunderstanding of quantum mechanics.


Ok, so at the risk of pulling this thread out on a tangent, what's your empirical evidence that Homeopathy is "pseudo science"? And, if you have any, how much of it is your own personal research and first hand experience? Just trying to understand your perspective here.


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## phinds

JerseyHighlander said:


> Ok, so at the risk of pulling this thread out on a tangent, what's your empirical evidence that Homeopathy is "pseudo science"? And, if you have any, how much of it is your own personal research and first hand experience? Just trying to understand your perspective here.


To quote a single on-line reference "Homeopathic preparations are termed remedies and are made using *homeopathic dilution*. In this process, the selected substance is repeatedly diluted until the final product is chemically indistinguishable from the diluent."

To be very specific, full blown homeopathic medicine means taking an original dose and diluting it by a factor of 10. You then take that and dilute it by 10. You do that 100 times. When you are done what you are left with is this:

*In 100 doses of true homeopathic medicine, one dose will have a single molecule of the original medicine (which of course does absolutely nothing) and the other 99 are 100% the diluent (generally water). *

Some use smaller amount of dilution and end up with several molecules per dose but it is still really just water.

SO ... to be very clear, I don't really think of homeopathic medicine as a pseudo science so much as just plain undiluted bull guano.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## DLJeffs

I thought 'homeopathic' was based on the assumption the body can heal itself from most diseases and injuries. The homeopathic process applies natural, organic remedies to stimulate and assist the body in that natural healing. Our old veterinarians were primarily homeopathic and often recommended natural cures for our dog, who lived to the ripe age of 18 human years so I can't argue with the vets too much.


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## JerseyHighlander

DLJeffs said:


> I thought 'homeopathic' was based on the assumption the body can heal itself from most diseases and injuries. The homeopathic process applies natural, organic remedies to stimulate and assist the body in that natural healing. Our old veterinarians were primarily homeopathic and often recommended natural cures for our dog, who lived to the ripe age of 18 human years so I can't argue with the vets too much.


I think you're crossing homeopathic with holistic. They get used very interchangeably these days. Homeopathy is considered one facet of holistic healing. The remedies are said to carry the vibratory signature of the original constituent, without the potential toxins, allowing use of things like mercury, arsenic, belladonna, even poison ivy to be used as medicine. Something of a medicinal "quantum entanglement" that originated before quantum mechanics was understood. After studying homeopathy to reasonable extent, beyond just a blurb on the internet, I used it with incredible effect on two of my cats. Interesting thing with animals, you can't really claim it's the placebo effect.

Reactions: Like 1


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## JerseyHighlander

Lets see if I can't put this thread back on track. Sort of.

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## JerseyHighlander

Going along with my metalworking exploits of late.

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## Mike1950

phinds said:


> To quote a single on-line reference "Homeopathic preparations are termed remedies and are made using *homeopathic dilution*. In this process, the selected substance is repeatedly diluted until the final product is chemically indistinguishable from the diluent."
> 
> To be very specific, full blown homeopathic medicine means taking an original dose and diluting it by a factor of 10. You then take that and dilute it by 10. You do that 100 times. When you are done what you are left with is this:
> 
> *In 100 doses of true homeopathic medicine, one dose will have a single molecule of the original medicine (which of course does absolutely nothing) and the other 99 are 100% the diluent (generally water). *
> 
> Some use smaller amount of dilution and end up with several molecules per dose but it is still really just water.
> 
> SO ... to be very clear, I don't really think of homeopathic medicine as a pseudo science so much as just plain undiluted bull guano.


Nice thing about Paul is he is so bashful about what he thinks!!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2 | Useful 1


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## Mike1950

Appropriate to go along with above

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## Mike1950

Ha ha

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6 | Creative 1


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## JerseyHighlander

Mike1950 said:


> Ha ha


No fair. I wanted to post over a week ago, figured I'd catch flak for it.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950

JerseyHighlander said:


> No fair. I wanted to post over a week ago, figured I'd catch flak for it.


I thought about but it is not political. And LeBron is a ....

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Absolutely love that one!!!


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## Bigg081

@Mike1950 is at that age where he can say whatever he wants!

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 1


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## phinds

Bigg081 said:


> @Mike1950 is at that age where he can say whatever he wants!


Hey. That's MY job here on WB !

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Bigg081

phinds said:


> Hey. That's MY job here on WB !


Figure my younger generation needs to start practicing.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 9


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Cliff.

Why did the tomato turn red?

It saw the salad dressing.


I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me.


Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?

The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.


I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I could not believe it. The highway department called my dad a thief.

But when I got home, the signs were all there.


You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.


What’s the difference between torpedoes and loose lips?

Nothing; they both sink ships.


Why is history like fruit cake?

It's full of dates.


What’s the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna.


What’s the difference between ice cream and your advice?

I asked for the ice cream.

Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 6


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## JerseyHighlander

Cliff. said:


> What’s the difference between a piano and a tuna?
> 
> You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna.


See, right there I can tell you don't live on the coast. Whatever it takes to get em in the boat man. Whatever it takes.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## JerseyHighlander



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## JerseyHighlander



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 5 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13

@phinds

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## phinds

I'm still having trouble digesting anti-vax lunacy, and now this:

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> View attachment 219764


Your cat looks out of sorts...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## DLJeffs

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left
a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door
to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note
asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub
up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful
again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs ... I can splash it on my
eyes if I need to!"

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## Ray D

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 219729


That’s funny…we still use the same one at work.


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## trc65



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 3


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## Mr. Peet

trc65 said:


> View attachment 219824


Thought of the show 'Ercle', does that make sense?

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds

Mr. Peet said:


> Thought of the show 'Ercle', does that make sense?


It's from the movie Die Hard.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> It's from the movie Die Hard.


Oh, the famous Christmas movie for adults. Thanks, have not made it to that level yet.


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## T. Ben

Mr. Peet said:


> Thought of the show 'Ercle', does that make sense?


He was the dad on family matters.


----------



## phinds



Reactions: Funny 5


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## SENC

If it weren't for the caption, I'd have thought this was our own @Tclem !

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## JerseyHighlander



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## JerseyHighlander



Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 9


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## Mike1950

True

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## JerseyHighlander

Mike1950 said:


> True
> 
> View attachment 219902


That's a terrible thing to do to a wolf.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## Herb G.

JerseyHighlander said:


> That's a terrible thing to do to a wolf.


Agreed. They hate the taste of bum piss & B.O.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950

Just a little humor

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9 | Sincere 1


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## DLJeffs

Got a couple good ones today ...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Gdurfey

DLJeffs said:


> Got a couple good ones today ...
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 220147


I'm old enough that she reminds me of Elvira...........

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 5


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## DLJeffs

Gdurfey said:


> I'm old enough that she reminds me of Elvira...........


I loved Elvira. I read her autobiography a few weeks ago. Pretty interesting life she had. I'm thinking of doing something like that at my funeral just to get back at my friends and relatives.

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## JerseyHighlander

DLJeffs said:


> Got a couple good ones today ...
> 
> View attachment 220142


THAT, is priceless. Definitely an attention getter driving down a dark forest road in the middle of nowhere. Much less funny 10 miles from the nearest road in the middle of the woods.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2


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## TimR

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 219729


I remember using one at a factory job I had after high school. I’m pretty sure it included the endless cloth roll drying towels.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 10 | Funny 6


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Wish I could hit agree more than once!!!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 10


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## scootac



Reactions: Funny 4


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## phinds

scootac said:


> Enough of the political/Covid crap!!!!
> If you don't have a joke.....just shut up!!!!






Seriously guys. This is a joke thread, not a thread for political rants.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## DLJeffs

"Attention, attention, please. Calling Moderators. We need clean up on Aisle 4."

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Eric Rorabaugh

scootac said:


> Enough of the political/Covid crap!!!!
> If you don't have a joke.....just shut up!!!!



Yes, this a place for jokes and not political stuff but there's no reason to be an ... and tell people to shut up! Let's keep it civil. You could have just said something and we could move on

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## phinds

DLJeffs said:


> "Attention, attention, please. Calling Moderators. We need clean up on Aisle 4."


I think the point has been made. I'll delete any further covid/vaccine rants

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## JerseyHighlander

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 220477


You think there are only "650 idiots in Washington"...??

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Karl_TN



Reactions: Funny 12


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## Mike Hill

JerseyHighlander said:


> You think there are only "650 idiots in Washington"...??


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## Mike Hill

Ok 

What happens when Lil Mikey eats aluminum foil?


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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> Ok
> 
> What happens when Lil Mikey eats aluminum foil?


Your bowles Biden? Or bathroom fun Foiled again. The radio plays out your ***. Nothing comes out the Draino...You eat raw meat and do some belly burger cooking. I could go on, but don't, risk political rants...


----------



## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Herb G.

phinds said:


> I think the point has been made. I'll delete any further covid/vaccine rants


Why don't you just move the posts to the covid thread?
It does no good at all to report a post around here, because nothing is done about it.


----------



## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Arn213

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 220718


Is there a thumbs down arrow for that? That looks very familiar- like the post office where I live in the city. Except there is only one line which is the “boiling” line. 2 postal clerk on duty (then they process passports) and the line goes out the door like a snake. I am lucky most days if I am out in an hour. Oh and I do have photo’s and worst like rush hour traffic if you are trying to leave the city or come into the city. It doesn’t matter what time or day I go. Winter time is the worst- not looking forward to that.


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Herb G. said:


> It does no good at all to report a post around here, because nothing is done about it.


Herb, what was this post about?


----------



## Mr. Peet

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> Herb, what was this post about?


It started at post 9645 and ends with 9649. I thought I was responding to the covid thread, not the joke thread. Can't speak for Mike, but you may move my post to the covid thread and delete from this one, including this reply.

Thank you.

Reactions: Way Cool 1


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## Eric Rorabaugh

I went through and deleted those posts. If someone was offended, I don't want this to cause someone to leave. If someone has a problem with me deleting them, hit me up in a PM and we'll discuss.

Reactions: Like 3


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 8


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## T. Ben

Arn213 said:


> Oh and I do have photo’s and worst like rush hour traffic if you are trying to leave the city or come into the city. It doesn’t matter what time or day I go. Winter time is the worst- not looking forward to that.


Reason number 7,654 for not living in any city!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## JerseyHighlander

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 220718


That's not funny... It's a demonstration of human stupidity you can't believe until you've experienced it.

Edit: Just for clarity, it's the pictured situation that is stupid, not the post. I would have found it funny if it wasn't so familiar.

Reactions: Informative 1


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## phinds

Subject of phrenology came up in a joke over on The Physics Forums and I countered with THE phrenology joke:

Young man who was heavily into phrenology found out that a famous phrenologist was giving a lecture on the same night as he had a date with a really beautiful and witty young woman. He was having a really hard time choosing. Her suggestion: flip a coin.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> Subject of phrenology came up in a joke over on The Physics Forums and I countered with THE phrenology joke:
> 
> Young man who was heavily into phrenology found out that a famous phrenologist was giving a lecture on the same night as he had a date with a really beautiful and witty young woman. He was having a really hard time choosing. Her suggestion: flip a coin.


Maybe he was thinking little head versus head for hours...


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## Mike Hill

Pun intended!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Bigdrowdy1

phrenology, *the study of the conformation of the skull as indicative of mental faculties and traits of character*,


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## Bigdrowdy1

Had me scratching my head on that one1

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Wildthings



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## barry richardson



Reactions: Funny 11


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## Mike Hill

Yall gots allergators in Arizona? I thought all you had were girl's in flatbed Fords slowin' down to take looks at y'all! Four that wanna own ya
two that wanna stone ya and one that says she's a friend of your'n.

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 6


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## DLJeffs

The funny part of that photo is trying to figure out how that gator got in there and how they're going to get him out. Pretty big gator to be pet.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## Wildthings

Mike Hill said:


> Yall gots allergators in Arizona? I thought all you had were girl's in flatbed Fords slowin' down to take looks at y'all! Four that wanna own ya
> two that wanna stone ya and one that says she's a friend of your'n.


Come on Mike, you know that's only in one place in AZ. All other places have gators for pets, imported from Florida

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 9


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## eaglea1

DLJeffs said:


> The funny part of that photo is trying to figure out how that gator got in there and how they're going to get him out. Pretty big gator to be pet.


Photoshop

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Nature Man

eaglea1 said:


> Photoshop


It’s a croc, plain and simple! Chuck

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 5 | Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 13


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 11


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## Nubsnstubs

............Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Cliff.

There are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can’t.


A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. 

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 
For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me.
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." 

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 11


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## phinds

Grim but funny:

*The day after his mother-in-law disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.

"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your mother-in-law," said one of the officers?

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your mother-in-law's body in the bay.""Lord sufferin' Jaysus!" exclaimed Flynn.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow.*

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 16


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## Wildthings

Pecans In The Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several
dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,
one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along..

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and
the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When
the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if
we can see the Lord...

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now... let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile, before the kid on the
bike passed him.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 11


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7


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## bhatleberg

How do you date a country girl?

First, a tractor...

Reactions: Funny 4 | Creative 1


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## SENC

bhatleberg said:


> How do you date a country girl?
> 
> First, a tractor...


I laughed, but I really didn't want to! So bad.

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 1


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## trc65



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 10 | Funny 1


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## DLJeffs

Geez, I'm sorry I started it. If I could delete my joke I would.

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds

DLJeffs said:


> Geez, I'm sorry I started it. If I could delete my joke I would.


I've done that for you and have deleted the non-joke posts since it was posted.

Guys, this is a joke thread. If you MUST do a covid rant, do it elsewhere (but preferably not at all)

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 2 | Agree 2


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## JerseyHighlander

So do jokes have to meet the approval of the Bureau of Moral Majority now? Can we get a list of approved subjects to tell jokes about or is it only the ConVid thing we aren't allowed to make jokes about? I'm sorry but I'm being serious here, not intending to be a jerk. It wasn't a rant about covid, it was a rant about some people thinking they can decide what others are allowed to make a joke about. The sycophantic censorship is probably the least funny thing about this whole two years of nonsense.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## ripjack13

JerseyHighlander said:


> So do jokes have to meet the approval of the Bureau of Moral Majority now? Can we get a list of approved subjects to tell jokes about or is it only the ConVid thing we aren't allowed to make jokes about? I'm sorry but I'm being serious here, not intending to be a jerk. It wasn't a rant about covid, it was a rant about some people thinking they can decide what others are allowed to make a joke about. The sycophantic censorship is probably the least funny thing about this whole two years of nonsense.


This should help clear things up for the future jokes....








SECTION RULES: READ BEFORE POSTING


Welcome to Kenbo's Chat Room. Please read his rules. 1. Although you're encouraged to speak your mind freely, you aren't in a place where your natural rights are protected by the 1st Amendment. It's your responsibility to know the rules and abide by them. In return you are given an "open mic"...



woodbarter.com







Welcome to Kenbo's Chat Room. Please read his rules.

1. Although you're encouraged to speak your mind freely, you aren't in a place where your natural rights are protected by the 1st Amendment. It's your responsibility to know the rules and abide by them. In return you are given an "open mic" to discuss anything which isn't prohibited. Let's start with profanity; it is not permitted anywhere on the forum and this chat room is no exception. What may be just fine on the job site, will not be tolerated here.

2. Everyone has their own opinion on any topic that can be brought up. That is what makes us individual and special in our own way. However, not everyone will agree with your opinion so from time to time there are going to be some disagreements. That's fine as long as they remain civil and don't devolve into outright verbal conflict. Do keep in mind that your opinion will probably not be accepted by everyone, and even though you are entitled to yours, other members are entitled to theirs as well. Keep it civil and respectful. A good civilized debate is welcome, a war of words is not.

3. From time to time, controversial topics arise that can stir up a hornet's nest. It seems that whenever these topics surface, no matter how innocent the original poster’s intentions are, things get heated and arguments ensue. For this reason, the discussion of our religious or spiritual belief's, political alliances, and social observations are by necessity strictly off limits. Discussing the economy is also a topic which always leads to a political debate so let's keep that one off the table also. No matter the topic though, the use of derogatory words or phrases will not be tolerated. That means no name-calling.

4. This is a place to share our life experiences with each other, whether good or bad. It is a place where you can ask for help on subjects that are not related to woodworking. It is a place where you can be heard, inspired, helped and entertained. Let’s stick to the rules and keep it as an enjoyable place for all involved.

_*Summary*_
If you read the rules carefully, you will realize there are very few of them. Most of the wording was elaborating on and clarifying the few rules we do have. They can be summed up like this:

1. No profanity.

2. Observe The Golden Rule - treat others as you want to be treated.

3. No politics. No preaching.

4. Have fun getting to know & enjoy one another.

That's not really asking for very much. Now come join us in some fun & friendly conversation.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Informative 1


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## Mr. Peet

ripjack13 said:


> This should help clear things up for the future jokes....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> SECTION RULES: READ BEFORE POSTING
> 
> 
> Welcome to Kenbo's Chat Room. Please read his rules. 1. Although you're encouraged to speak your mind freely, you aren't in a place where your natural rights are protected by the 1st Amendment. It's your responsibility to know the rules and abide by them. In return you are given an "open mic"...
> 
> 
> 
> woodbarter.com
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Welcome to Kenbo's Chat Room. Please read his rules.
> 
> 1. Although you're encouraged to speak your mind freely, you aren't in a place where your natural rights are protected by the 1st Amendment. It's your responsibility to know the rules and abide by them. In return you are given an "open mic" to discuss anything which isn't prohibited. Let's start with profanity; it is not permitted anywhere on the forum and this chat room is no exception. What may be just fine on the job site, will not be tolerated here.
> 
> 2. Everyone has their own opinion on any topic that can be brought up. That is what makes us individual and special in our own way. However, not everyone will agree with your opinion so from time to time there are going to be some disagreements. That's fine as long as they remain civil and don't devolve into outright verbal conflict. Do keep in mind that your opinion will probably not be accepted by everyone, and even though you are entitled to yours, other members are entitled to theirs as well. Keep it civil and respectful. A good civilized debate is welcome, a war of words is not.
> 
> 3. From time to time, controversial topics arise that can stir up a hornet's nest. It seems that whenever these topics surface, no matter how innocent the original poster’s intentions are, things get heated and arguments ensue. For this reason, the discussion of our religious or spiritual belief's, political alliances, and social observations are by necessity strictly off limits. Discussing the economy is also a topic which always leads to a political debate so let's keep that one off the table also. No matter the topic though, the use of derogatory words or phrases will not be tolerated. That means no name-calling.
> 
> 4. This is a place to share our life experiences with each other, whether good or bad. It is a place where you can ask for help on subjects that are not related to woodworking. It is a place where you can be heard, inspired, helped and entertained. Let’s stick to the rules and keep it as an enjoyable place for all involved.
> 
> _*Summary*_
> If you read the rules carefully, you will realize there are very few of them. Most of the wording was elaborating on and clarifying the few rules we do have. They can be summed up like this:
> 
> 1. No profanity.
> 
> 2. Observe The Golden Rule - treat others as you want to be treated.
> 
> 3. No politics. No preaching.
> 
> 4. Have fun getting to know & enjoy one another.
> 
> That's not really asking for very much. Now come join us in some fun & friendly conversation.


Paragraph 3, "and social observations are by necessity strictly off limits."

That by its self should delete about 483- 484 pages of this forum thread. Not that is some cleaning there...

Reactions: Funny 2


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## phinds

Exactly how I feel some days:

Reactions: Funny 7


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## Tom Smart

Maybe an oldie but it’s worth another look.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

> Steve's Last Will and Testament;
> 
> Steve lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present, and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready, he begins to speak:
> 
> "My son, Doug, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses"
> 
> "My daughter Kelly, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
> 
> "My son, Kevin, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
> 
> "Cathy, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."
> 
> 
> The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Steve slips away, the nurse says, "Your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
> 
> The wife replies, "The ass had a paper route."
> ................... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Nubsnstubs

Remember, next time you hate your life, it's all about perspective. I have a friend who reads 2-3 books a week, works out twice a day, and has people who want to have sex with him all the time, yet complains about how much he hates prison. ............ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 10 | Informative 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9 | Informative 1


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## Herb G.

Ever feel like this?

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike1950

:)

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike1950

Maybe not allowed but sure is funny and maybe true

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## DLJeffs

I know this is the joke thread but I figured more people read this one than any other and this is kind of urgent.

A good friend of mine who is a Bengals fan has two tickets for the Super Bowl, 50 yard line seats.
He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them that it was going to be on
the same day as his wedding; probably because of the extra game this year.

If you know of anyone interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It's at St. Michael's
Church, 3 PM. The bride's name is Tina. She's 5'1", blonde, hair (Italian), good looking, good cook too.
She'll be the one in the white dress

Reactions: Funny 12


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## Mr. Peet

DLJeffs said:


> I know this is the joke thread but I figured more people read this one than any other and this is kind of urgent.
> 
> A good friend of mine who is a Bengals fan has two tickets for the Super Bowl, 50 yard line seats.
> He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them that it was going to be on
> the same day as his wedding; probably because of the extra game this year.
> 
> If you know of anyone interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It's at St. Michael's
> Church, 3 PM. The bride's name is Tina. She's 5'1", blonde, hair (Italian), good looking, good cook too.
> She'll be the one in the white dress


Go cats...tell him he is making the right choice. Catholic, check, Italian, check, blonde, aaa something not right there. Who knows how deep the deception might go. Bengals in the bowl, once every 40 years or so, marriage, now days might be 2 or more in 40 years.

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## Trob115



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## Trob115



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## Nubsnstubs

Nubsnstubs said:


> Remember, next time you hate your life, it's all about perspective. I have a friend who reads 2-3 books a week, works out twice a day, and has people who want to have sex with him all the time, yet complains about how much he hates prison. ............ Jerry (in Tucson)


Just a disclaimer here, this above is a copy and paste. I don’t personally know any cons. .......... Jerry ( in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

........... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Nubsnstubs



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## Mike Hill

Jerry been saving up!

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## bhatleberg

What do you call a three-legged cow?

Lean beef.

But what do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

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## Mr. Peet

bhatleberg said:


> What do you call a three-legged cow?
> 
> Lean beef.
> 
> But what do you call a cow with no legs?
> 
> Ground beef.


Snoring male is a bull-dozer.

The other one can't say, but the punch line is beef stroganoff....

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## TimR



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## Alan R McDaniel Jr

Nubsnstubs said:


> View attachment 222126


This one reminds me of one time in a different life..

Every Year we would move the bulls (about 50 of them) down a lane to a gate. Once they got to the gate someone had to be waiting there to keep them on the fence until we got to the bull pasture. One particular day that someone was me. As soon as I got the first one started down the lane I took off Hell bent for the other end (had to go about 500 yards to another gate and then back. About halfway back I had to cut through a prickly pear patch. My horse decided at the very last instant that I may be crazy but he wasn't, and he hit the brakes. I had enough time to wrap my arms around his head and fell down under his head. That picture is what I saw when I hit. The prickly pear broke my fall and kept my head from hitting the ground. Thank God for Carhartt jackets and felt Stetson hats. I didn't get one thorn that couldn't be removed by hand but the jacket and hat were pretty well pincushioned.. 

I did get up and make it to the gate in time..... barely.


Alan

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## Mike Hill

Almost got that t-shirt! Down around Bruni - we had a deer lease and would help the widow round up strays now and then - usually mommas with babies. Got some in a pen and I was youngest and most able and agile and was sent into the pen to get them to go through the next gate. Well, one momma did not think I belonged there with her baby and Lil Mikey became a high jumper that day and cleared a 6' fence with plenty of room to spare. Unfortunately the grass was not greener on the other side of the fence - but the prickly pear was. Did not have carhartt on, but it was plenty cold that day and had many layers on and did not get punctured except knees above my boots and wrists above my gloves. All in all not bad, but had to get new jeans, long underwear and insulated vest! Pride was sorta hurt a little too - my dad and my uncles all got a big chuckle!

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## Alan R McDaniel Jr

The big thorns are not the problem ones. It's those microscopic ones that stay with you for weeks. 

I shot a Coyote once and skinned him. He had thousands of prickly pear thorns in his skin. There were some old cows that seemed to get addicted to Prickly pear. They'd have the thorns all around their mouths with green grass growing under them. Deer eat it too, and javalinas are the worst spreaders of the stuff. They grab a leaf and run along eating it. Wherever they drop some a new plant grows.

Some of the biggest rattlesnakes I've killed (seen) have been in the middle of a prickly pear patch... I tried real had not to stay in there very long...

Alan


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## Brink

Ever get caught sitting on the throne and realize there is no more TP, and you do that pants around the ankle shimmy walk to get more?

It‘s taken me some time, but I’m almost to Walmart

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## Mike Hill

Alan R McDaniel Jr said:


> The big thorns are not the problem ones. It's those microscopic ones that stay with you for weeks.
> 
> I shot a Coyote once and skinned him. He had thousands of prickly pear thorns in his skin. There were some old cows that seemed to get addicted to Prickly pear. They'd have the thorns all around their mouths with green grass growing under them. Deer eat it too, and javalinas are the worst spreaders of the stuff. They grab a leaf and run along eating it. Wherever they drop some a new plant grows.
> 
> Some of the biggest rattlesnakes I've killed (seen) have been in the middle of a prickly pear patch... I tried real had not to stay in there very long...
> 
> Alan


My best friend wanted to do some quail hunting and we'd hit the coveys pretty hard near home - so decided to go to the Bruni lease - we had 4 or 5 types to choose some. I warned him about the big Blues - they stick tight, don't fly much but when they do they sound like a 747. Quail also like to inhabit those prickly pear homes of huge rattlesnakes and on the way down to the lease I was telling him about all the big rattlesnakes we used to find. We got there and started hunting. I saw some quail run into a big pear thicket and told him to go to the other side and I would flush them out. Turned out to be about a dozen blues and when they flushed - he turned pale, about fainted and turned tail and ran. They bust out of the thicket and flew straight toward him - He thought it was godzilla rattlesnake coming after him. Needless to say Lil Mikey got light headed because he was laughing so hard!!

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## Alan R McDaniel Jr

Blues are definitely a young man's bird to hunt. Those around Benavides we sometimes had to taint on the first barrel to even get them to flush, and that only after a 50 yard sprint. Then they'd come up and fly just above the brush tops, some weaving in and out. No more blues down there that I know of. Not hardly and Bobwhites either. It's a shame. Those were the days...


Alan


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## trc65



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## Mr. Peet

trc65 said:


> View attachment 222408


Just plain cheeky....

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## Alan R McDaniel Jr

You know that's gotta hurt, or be uncomfortable, or somethin...

Alan

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## Mr. Peet

Alan R McDaniel Jr said:


> You know that's gotta hurt, or be uncomfortable, or somethin...
> 
> Alan


Actually a lot of people have thumbs that bend back like that.

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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

Mr. Peet said:


> Actually a lot of people have thumbs that bend back like that.


It's called distal hyperextensibility of the thumb - but Lil Mikey likes to call it "someone with the bendy thumb gene"

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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 222526


As headlights approach...


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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 222527


Did you lime the hole.

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## Gdurfey

Hang up the phone 

Get up and change the channel

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## Alan R McDaniel Jr

Why don't you get a job!

Alan

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## scootac

Get a damn haircut!

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## Mr. Peet

Alan R McDaniel Jr said:


> Why don't you get a job!
> 
> Alan





scootac said:


> Get a damn haircut!


Well, maybe in your area, but in most of northern PA and central NY, those two lines are still very common. And the job line, can't see that going away for a long while.


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## Alan R McDaniel Jr

There is a "Help Wanted", "Now Hiring" sign in every place of business that I go to. There are jobs but those in the working age group don't want them. The free stuff and money thing worked very well... It crippled the economy. 

#1 wife and I went to DQ last night because we were to tired (from working all day, although it was for free in our own yard) to make supper. There were 5 "employees" "working" there (5:30 PM). Most of the tables were un-bussed. One guy, the cook, was working and the rest of the crew were playing, literally playing... One guy had his girlfriend in there behind the counter. The assumption is that at least one of them had some supervisory authority. 

Sign on the door, "Help Wanted"....

Alan

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## Mike1950

Alan R McDaniel Jr said:


> There is a "Help Wanted", "Now Hiring" sign in every place of business that I go to. There are jobs but those in the working age group don't want them. The free stuff and money thing worked very well... It crippled the economy.
> 
> #1 wife and I went to DQ last night because we were to tired (from working all day, although it was for free in our own yard) to make supper. There were 5 "employees" "working" there (5:30 PM). Most of the tables were un-bussed. One guy, the cook, was working and the rest of the crew were playing, literally playing... One guy had his girlfriend in there behind the counter. The assumption is that at least one of them had some supervisory authority.
> 
> Sign on the door, "Help Wanted"....
> 
> Alan


there is no annoyed emoji so I had to agree. It is the same here. Minimum wage is $15 but signs all over. Wife predicated this in 90's "You wait there will be signing bonus for pizza delivery people" she was right. crazy world.

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## Herb G.

The local pizza places around here are offering a $1500 hiring bonus after you work there for 6 months.
That prevents people from getting hired, getting paid, then quitting right away.

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## DLJeffs

Go outside and play

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## vegas urban lumber

i'm currently looking for an $18 an hour starting pay employee and can't find one that won't steal from me
one of my full time 40 hour employees in his mid 30's manages does his best to be at work for an average of about 30 hours a week

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## eaglea1

I hear ya Trev, I had a guy once that would not show up on Mondays after a Friday payday. I found out that he would go on a
bender all weekend. I finally told him after I paid him on a Friday, that I need you here on Monday at 7am and if he didn't show, to 
not bother coming back. I never saw him again! Good help is hard to find.

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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson

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## phinds

*TRUTH IN ADVERTISING*

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## Herb G.

vegas urban lumber said:


> i'm currently looking for an $18 an hour starting pay employee and can't find one that won't steal from me
> one of my full time 40 hour employees in his mid 30's manages does his best to be at work for an average of about 30 hours a week


I worked with a guy who only made it in 3 days a week. 4 days was a good week for him.
I asked him why he only worked 3 days a week. He told me "Because I can't make it on 2 days."
Meaning he didn't earn enough money for his weekend benders.

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## Mike Hill

Lil Mikey is...........speechless...............without words even! Therefore, let it be noted that no jokes or off-hand remarks will be promulgated by Lil Mikey! It would be too darned easy!!!

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## phinds



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## Mike1950

Mike Hill said:


> Lil Mikey is...........speechless...............without words even! Therefore, let it be noted that no jokes or off-hand remarks will be promulgated by Lil Mikey! It would be too darned easy!!!
> 
> View attachment 222744


I want to see the wrench, probably says crescent on it!!

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## Mike Hill

Errrr....hold my crescent! I think they really use Vise Grips. - anyways you oughta see their socket set!!!! - Throw away the ASTM book! Lil Mikey quit looking for the "thread guage" long ago!

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## Mike Hill

Alan R McDaniel Jr said:


> There is a "Help Wanted", "Now Hiring" sign in every place of business that I go to. There are jobs but those in the working age group don't want them. The free stuff and money thing worked very well... It crippled the economy.
> 
> #1 wife and I went to DQ last night because we were to tired (from working all day, although it was for free in our own yard) to make supper. There were 5 "employees" "working" there (5:30 PM). Most of the tables were un-bussed. One guy, the cook, was working and the rest of the crew were playing, literally playing... One guy had his girlfriend in there behind the counter. The assumption is that at least one of them had some supervisory authority.
> 
> Sign on the door, "Help Wanted"....
> 
> Alan


Yup! Publix is known for their customer service - however this one, a few blocks from the house is in a hipster part of town and has mainly "young" employees "working". I think to fit the hipster theme - management is generally pretty young also. Don't usually shop at that one, but had to stop to get a few things for the weekend and it was on our way home from the Antique and Garden Show. Publix fried chicken is known to be good and I agree wholeheartedly. There were 4 people behind the deli/chicken counter. One young lady at the other end - only she knows what she was doing or rather "not" doing. One young man made two sandwiches - I think he had to bake the bread first - even Lil Mikey could have made sandwiches faster even with both hands tied behind his back. Young lady next to him at the sandwich station - after she had talked to the customer for some many minutes decided to start making the sandwich. The other young lady - who was apparently in charge of the chicken - was on the phone for several minutes while 3 chicken customers waited. She never got off the phone, but finally the young man who made the 2 sandwiches came over and I ordered my chicken. Asked for 4 breasts and 4 wings. Got the package and all that was in there was 2 breasts and 2 thighs. I then asked for my 4 wings and he gave me a package with 2 wings and a breast - I gave up - presuming it was all too hard for him! On a side note - the chicken was good!!!! yummy

But then I stopped at the fresh fish counter and --- well ---- I'm not sure why I expected different - but had to wait and wait and wait. Noone was in the back, no one was servicing the meat - noone was around. Finally some guy came from the stockroom and apologized saying he left somebody to look after the fish - but apparently he ran off somewhere. He did get my catfish, salmon, and shrimp order correct though.

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## Mike1950

Mike Hill said:


> Yup! Publix is known for their customer service - however this one, a few blocks from the house is in a hipster part of town and has mainly "young" employees "working". I think to fit the hipster theme - management is generally pretty young also. Don't usually shop at that one, but had to stop to get a few things for the weekend and it was on our way home from the Antique and Garden Show. Publix fried chicken is known to be good and I agree wholeheartedly. There were 4 people behind the deli/chicken counter. One young lady at the other end - only she knows what she was doing or rather "not" doing. One young man made two sandwiches - I think he had to bake the bread first - even Lil Mikey could have made sandwiches faster even with both hands tied behind his back. Young lady next to him at the sandwich station - after she had talked to the customer for some many minutes decided to start making the sandwich. The other young lady - who was apparently in charge of the chicken - was on the phone for several minutes while 3 chicken customers waited. She never got off the phone, but finally the young man who made the 2 sandwiches came over and I ordered my chicken. Asked for 4 breasts and 4 wings. Got the package and all that was in there was 2 breasts and 2 thighs. I then asked for my 4 wings and he gave me a package with 2 wings and a breast - I gave up! On a side note - the chicken was good!!!! yummy
> 
> But then I stopped at the fresh fish counter and --- well ---- I'm not sure why I expected different - but had to wait and wait and wait. Noone was in the back, no one was servicing the meat - noone was around. Finally some guy came from the stockroom and apologized saying he left somebody to look after the fish - but apparently he ran off somewhere. He did get my catfish, salmon, and shrimp order correct though.


we have changed our shopping habits. Go to local butcher. He is always crowded. Service is excellent and quality is the best. Costs a little more but you deal with real people. Not some mindless corporation. and product is sourced locally..
Decided to put our money where it does the most good.

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## Mike Hill

Well, that would work if you had a butcher. Up until very recently (in the last year recently) all we had was 3 meat shops - Only one was a butcher. The butcher was in the hipster part of town and all they have are animals grown in so-and-so's organic back forty, harvested on the new moon and with a nickname - and was outrageously expensive. One other - was in the expensive county, but all he did was get in cryo-vac and slice. The other one was probably 35 miles away and with a very limited meat selection - go figure. There are 3 new ones - all apparently catering to the younger crowd who I guess like to know the name of the animal they eat and are willing to pay big bucks. I just cannot in good conscience pay $36.00 for a ribeye or $150.00 for a brisket. There is another meat shop that has just opened, that looks like it has promise, but have not been to get to yet. Inexpensive building in an inexpensive part of town and the owners don't seem to be driving Land Rovers and Beemers. Forty years ago we had some butchers, but have not had any for at least 20. There is a guy who raises some good hogs and have bought some from him - but he is small producer (hobby) and does not have meat all the time. I've had good luck buying some meats in Carniceras or Halal meat markets (they are all over now) - but they don't always have what I want at the time and it can be an experience. Used to be a couple of fish markets too, but no more! Back when I was doing barbecues - I used to have trouble finding meats in quantity and at good prices - so it was usually Sam's or Restaurant Depot - my favorite because they had primals I could not get anywhere else as well as whole goats and cabrito, hogs, and lamb AND mutton - plus the only place I could find pork belly - this was before all the foodies took over!

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## Mike1950

Mike Hill said:


> Well, that would work if you had a butcher. Up until very recently (in the last year recently) all we had was 3 meat shops - Only one was a butcher. The butcher was in the hipster part of town and all they have are animals grown in so-and-so's organic back forty, harvested on the new moon and with a nickname - and was outrageously expensive. One other - was in the expensive county, but all he did was get in cryo-vac and slice. The other one was probably 35 miles away and with a very limited meat selection - go figure. There are 3 new ones - all apparently catering to the younger crowd who I guess like to know the name of the animal they eat and are willing to pay big bucks. I just cannot in good conscience pay $36.00 for a ribeye or $150.00 for a brisket. There is another meat shop that has just opened, that looks like it has promise, but have not been to get to yet. Inexpensive building in an inexpensive part of town and the owners don't seem to be driving Land Rovers and Beemers. Forty years ago we had some butchers, but have not had any for at least 20. There is a guy who raises some good hogs and have bought some from him - but he is small producer (hobby) and does not have meat all the time. I've had good luck buying some meats in Carniceras or Halal meat markets (they are all over now) - but they don't always have what I want at the time and it can be an experience. Used to be a couple of fish markets too, but no more! Back when I was doing barbecues - I used to have trouble finding meats in quantity and at good prices - so it was usually Sam's or Restaurant Depot - my favorite because they had primals I could not get anywhere else as well as whole goats and cabrito, hogs, and lamb AND mutton - plus the only place I could find pork belly - this was before all the foodies took over!


This is 3rd or 4th generation butcher. He goes and picks his cows. More expensive then costco- less waste and a whole lot better.

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## Nature Man

Found a great meat market, Granzin's, in New Braunfels, about 20 miles from us. Old style with lots of choices. We make regular trips there now. Chuck

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## Sprung

We've got three butcher shops within about 15 miles of our home and all are great. One is the one who does the processing for the farmer we buy our 1/4's of beef and 1/2 pigs from. The owner is an old school, German butcher and still has a pretty thick German accent and we've been very happy with their processing work. The other one we go to is a great butcher as well, but with beef and pork in the freezer already from buying from a local farmer, what we go there for is mainly their sausage and other type products - sausages, hot dogs, summer sausage, beef sticks, beef jerky. Neither of these two places does any advertising and both of these places are always very busy. The third one is much larger - you can find their products in a lot of stores in the area. We like the other two better, so don't get their stuff as often, but it is still good.

But, we're in Wisconsin and happen to live in an area with a lot of dairy and beef farmers. We've got cows everywhere around here!

Oh, and the cheese shops. Those are everywhere around here as well. When we stop at the second butcher I mentioned above, usually about once a month we stop in there, gotta stop at the cheese shop a couple miles up the road. Fresh cheese curds every Monday and Friday mornings there too...

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## eaglea1

Thats right Matt, we're currently vacationing in Florida, and that's the one thing we miss. Boy! Groceries are EXPENSIVE here ! 
We pretty much rely on venison all year long and have gotten to the point where we don't even like ground beef anymore. 
Our local butchers back home are also all German descendants.

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## Sprung

eaglea1 said:


> Thats right Matt, we're currently vacationing in Florida, and that's the one thing we miss. Boy! Groceries are EXPENSIVE here !
> We pretty much rely on venison all year long and have gotten to the point where we don't even like ground beef anymore.
> Our local butchers back home are also all German descendants.



Winters might be a bit cold (though not as cold as the two previous places I've lived), but there's a lot to be thankful for in this beautiful corner of God's creation.

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## trc65

Two things I miss most from my time living in WI are the cheese shops and the German butchers/sausage makers. Frequented a shop in Waupaca that made unbelievable landjaeger and beef bacon (and about 50 other types of sausage, jerky and meat sticks).

He was a great supporter of 4-H and FFA and I would spend a couple days each fall bumping carcasses around in his cooler helping judges score the kids market animals. Had one of the largest meat counters I'd ever seen.

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## Mike Hill

Nature Man said:


> Found a great meat market, Granzin's, in New Braunfels, about 20 miles from us. Old style with lots of choices. We make regular trips there now. Chuck
> View attachment 222751


Granzin's - don't evan talk to me about Granzin's. Even have one in my hometown (Seguin). It's a have ta stop - if only to get dried sausage to take back with us back to here. 

TIP - don't buy some of their curing salt and other sausage makings and try to bring them back in your carry-on. You will get taken back to a little room and asked a lot of questions! Even though they might be sodium nitrite - I guess it is close enough to ammonium nitrate, to elicit a lot of response from the TSA.

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## Mike1950

Mike Hill said:


> Granzin's - don't evan talk to me about Granzin's. Even have one in my hometown (Seguin). It's a have ta stop - if only to get dried sausage to take back with us back to here.
> 
> TIP - don't buy some of their curing salt and other sausage makings and try to bring them back in your carry-on. You will get taken back to a little room and asked a lot of questions! Even though they might be sodium nitrite - I guess it is close enough to ammonium nitrate, to elicit a lot of response from the TSA.


Sounds like voice of experience taking?

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## Mike Hill

Mike1950 said:


> Sounds like voice of experience taking?


Yup! It was just me and my daughter, and she was scared for her poppy. To tell you the truth, my knees were shaking to. I knew they didn't allow nitrates, but nowhere did it say nitrites. I'm on my knees thankful that my wife wasn't there - she's have had a cow!

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## Alan R McDaniel Jr

Wow! I had no idea I'd been conversing with a sausage seasoning smuggler! 


Alan

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## Bigg081

Wow…this thread got a bit off track!

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## phinds

Bigg081 said:


> Wow…this thread got a bit off track!


Yeah, we are sometimes an overly friendly group and will throw down gossip about damn near anything at the drop of a hat. Not the first time I've been tempted to post this:

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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> Yeah, we are sometimes an overly friendly group and will throw down gossip about damn near anything at the drop of a hat. Not the first time I've been tempted to post this:
> 
> View attachment 222772


Thought we were already on the off-ramp, and needed to find the on-ramp. Guess that's the issue with parking in a driveway and driving in a parkway.

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## phinds

TO GET US BACK ON TRACK:

University degrees in Egyptology have been found to be pyramid schemes

If the USA is so great, why was the USB created?

new librarian: this library is a mess; we should be ashamed of our shelves

If you ever lock yourself out of the house, just talk calmly to your lock, because after all, communication is the key.

I want to die like my grandpa ... peacefully, in his sleep, not screaming and hollering like his passengers

I'm worried about the calendar ... its days are numbered

and my favorite:

The creator of auto-correct died recently. May he restaurant in piece.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4 | Informative 1


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## eaglea1

Hmmm, funny Paul, but lets go back on the off ramp....Just kidding

Reactions: Funny 3


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> View attachment 222774


Lil Mikey ate it!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Herb G.

phinds said:


> View attachment 222776


I took a nap one day that lasted 2. I woke up & didn't know where I was, let alone what day it was.
That was scary to say the least.


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## Mike Hill

I woke up from a nap a few years ago and realized that not only was I not talking to Olivia Newton-John but she wasn't singing to me either. That wasn't scary, but just downright deeply disappointing!

Reactions: Funny 3 | Sincere 2


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## Karl_TN

Mike Hill said:


> I woke up from a nap a few years ago and realized I was not talking to Olivia Newton-John and she wasn't singing to me. That wasn't scary, but just downright deeply disappointing!


You must have been dreaming of her Let's Get Physical song.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## eaglea1

I had the eating the giant marshmellow dream one night and had to get a new pillow the next morning.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Wildthings

Mike Hill said:


> I woke up from a nap a few years ago and realized that not only was I not talking to Olivia Newton-John but she wasn't singing to me either. That wasn't scary, but just downright deeply disappointing!


That right there.....


eaglea1 said:


> I had the eating the giant marshmellow dream one night and had to get a new pillow the next morning.


and that right there are just downright funny!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

Alan R McDaniel Jr said:


> Wow! I had no idea I'd been conversing with a sausage seasoning smuggler!
> 
> 
> Alan


And I was so traumitized - I've only made two batches of summer sausage from it!


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## Mike Hill

Question: Is this a sentiment you would send to your significant other? Just ask'n? 





Found it in one of antique books. Probably 1928 not 1828

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

Now, there are at least TWO followup jokes to this I just thought about - one about an anagram! But I won't go there - yet!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 1


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## Nature Man



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Nature Man



Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 9


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 8 | Funny 2


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## DLJeffs

Evidently this little town has someone who puts these funny signs up...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## Bigg081



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## JLTibbetts

Love this thread !!
How do you post a meme without adding any text? 
I can upload a gif or jpeg, but when I hit post reply I get an error message that say "Please enter a valid message"


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## ripjack13

JLTibbetts said:


> Love this thread !!
> How do you post a meme without adding any text?
> I can upload a gif or jpeg, but when I hit post reply I get an error message that say "Please enter a valid message"


After you upload it. Hit the option on the picture where it says insert...then it will say full image. Click it again to add it to the post. Then hit post reply...


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## JLTibbetts



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 12


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## JLTibbetts

Thanks rip :)

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Mr. Peet

Nature Man said:


> View attachment 222800


Absolutely !

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## Gdurfey

JLTibbetts said:


> View attachment 223150


Glad you got it figured out, that’s like our dogs

Reactions: Like 2


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## Mike Hill

Or our cat!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 8 | Informative 1


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## Mike Hill

Question - What do you call a bedpan n Russia?

Answer - A Poot tin!

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> Question - What do you call a bedpan n Russia?
> 
> Answer - A Poot tin!


I believe it is a Poot tin here in the US, and would not be surprised if it is in use daily at the White House.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 9 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

Another thing young folks will never see!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

This ain't no joke! 

Moderators can move it if they really want to be that way!!

Y'all (y'all for those up north not in the know) can't hide or lie - y'all at one time or another had dreams about this!

Lil Mikey can't be the only one! 

If he is - then my bad!

Reactions: Like 4


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Tom Smart

Monty Python (and the Holy Grail)!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## SENC

A mere fleshwound!

Reactions: Like 4


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## eaglea1

For those that are following the "need electrical help thread". (We electricians believe every word , LOL )

THE ELECTRICIAN COMETH

I was playing tennis when the phone call came from my wife. She sounded excited as she said, "The electrician is coming in an hour."

"He's been saying that for a month. Why should we believe him now?"

"Because he initiated the call. I just know he'll be here. It's just a feeling I have," she said.

When I arrived at the house, my wife was dusting the furniture and rearranging the flowers. "You had better shower," she told me, "and wear a shirt and tie. I don't want him to think we can't afford his services."

"But he's only an electrician," I protested against her.

"He's more than that. He is the key to our entire fuse-box problem. Something has been blowing every electrical appliance in this house, and I'm not going to take it anymore."

I showered and put on my best dress shirt and Italian silk tie, plus the blue blazer I save for British royalty and American workmen.

My wife was chilling a bottle of wine. "I hope he likes Pouilly-Fuisse."

"He wouldn't be in the wall socket business if he didn't," I reassured her. "I still don't know why we couldn't get another electrician when he didn't show up last month."

"It's impossible to find one because they're a dying breed. Most electricians won't even allow you to leave a message on their telephone answering machines." She powdered her nose, sighed, and said, "I hope he likes us."

"What difference does it make if he likes us or not?" I asked.

"If he doesn't like us, he'll walk out the door and put a curse on our fuse box. Now, as soon as he arrives, take him into the living room and make him comfortable. I've put pictures of the children out on the tables. I want him to realize how important family is to us in case he's a Republican. Above all, don't discuss politics. I don't want to lose an electrician over the prayer-in-school issue."

"What do you discuss with an electrician?" I wanted to know.

"Benjamin Franklin. After all, he was the father of electricity. Then there was Thomas Edison. Electricians think Edison was the cat's meow."

"I could talk to him about the stock market," I suggested. "I understand that anyone who is a licensed electrician automatically becomes one of the Fortune 500."

My wife said, "I'm a nervous wreck. It's been such a long time since I met a man with pliers."

"Be yourself," I told her. "An electrician puts on his pants one leg at a time, just like a plumber."

"I'd feel so much better if I had cleaned the cellar."

"You're worrying unnecessarily. After he knocks off the Pouilly-Fuisse, I wouldn't be surprised if he goes down the stairs, tears the fuse box off the wall, and finds the short in no time."

"I only hope you're right. I suppose we should consider it an honor that he would even stop at our house," she said. "Do you think we should call the Larrimores? They have been waiting for an electrician for four years."

"That would be rubbing it in. Besides, I'm not sure they'd know how to behave in front of a licensed electrician. It wouldn't surprise me if they fell to their knees and made d-- fools of themselves."

Reactions: Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## 2feathers Creative Making

As an electrician, that is darn funny!


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## Herb G.

When I did service work, & the woman of the house was attractive, I'd say "Hi, I'm here to remove your shorts."
More than a few times, I was propositioned. 
I could say more, but this is a family forum.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## scootac

eaglea1 said:


> For those that are following the "need electrical help thread". (We electricians believe every word , LOL )
> 
> THE ELECTRICIAN COMETH
> 
> I was playing tennis when the phone call came from my wife. She sounded excited as she said, "The electrician is coming in an hour."
> 
> "He's been saying that for a month. Why should we believe him now?"
> 
> "Because he initiated the call. I just know he'll be here. It's just a feeling I have," she said.
> 
> When I arrived at the house, my wife was dusting the furniture and rearranging the flowers. "You had better shower," she told me, "and wear a shirt and tie. I don't want him to think we can't afford his services."
> 
> "But he's only an electrician," I protested against her.
> 
> "He's more than that. He is the key to our entire fuse-box problem. Something has been blowing every electrical appliance in this house, and I'm not going to take it anymore."
> 
> I showered and put on my best dress shirt and Italian silk tie, plus the blue blazer I save for British royalty and American workmen.
> 
> My wife was chilling a bottle of wine. "I hope he likes Pouilly-Fuisse."
> 
> "He wouldn't be in the wall socket business if he didn't," I reassured her. "I still don't know why we couldn't get another electrician when he didn't show up last month."
> 
> "It's impossible to find one because they're a dying breed. Most electricians won't even allow you to leave a message on their telephone answering machines." She powdered her nose, sighed, and said, "I hope he likes us."
> 
> "What difference does it make if he likes us or not?" I asked.
> 
> "If he doesn't like us, he'll walk out the door and put a curse on our fuse box. Now, as soon as he arrives, take him into the living room and make him comfortable. I've put pictures of the children out on the tables. I want him to realize how important family is to us in case he's a Republican. Above all, don't discuss politics. I don't want to lose an electrician over the prayer-in-school issue."
> 
> "What do you discuss with an electrician?" I wanted to know.
> 
> "Benjamin Franklin. After all, he was the father of electricity. Then there was Thomas Edison. Electricians think Edison was the cat's meow."
> 
> "I could talk to him about the stock market," I suggested. "I understand that anyone who is a licensed electrician automatically becomes one of the Fortune 500."
> 
> My wife said, "I'm a nervous wreck. It's been such a long time since I met a man with pliers."
> 
> "Be yourself," I told her. "An electrician puts on his pants one leg at a time, just like a plumber."
> 
> "I'd feel so much better if I had cleaned the cellar."
> 
> "You're worrying unnecessarily. After he knocks off the Pouilly-Fuisse, I wouldn't be surprised if he goes down the stairs, tears the fuse box off the wall, and finds the short in no time."
> 
> "I only hope you're right. I suppose we should consider it an honor that he would even stop at our house," she said. "Do you think we should call the Larrimores? They have been waiting for an electrician for four years."
> 
> "That would be rubbing it in. Besides, I'm not sure they'd know how to behave in front of a licensed electrician. It wouldn't surprise me if they fell to their knees and made d-- fools of themselves."


Are you going to include the punch line sometime?

It sure needs one to get a giggle outta me!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## JLTibbetts



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Eric Rorabaugh

St



Stolen from the old man!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1


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## Eric Rorabaugh



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## Jonkou

oldies but goodys

Reactions: Like 6 | Funny 1


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## rob3232

Jonkou said:


> oldies but goodys




Thanks for reminding me!! They are hilarious!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## ripjack13

Jonkou said:


> oldies but goodys


Did you know, our late great @Kevin jaynes made that video. 
I reference the line "highly valuable walnut tree" at least once a week . I have buddies here always trying to get me to take their tree or logs of it....but they want me to pay em for it....lol

Reactions: Like 2 | Way Cool 1 | Sincere 5


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## Jonkou

ripjack13 said:


> Did you know, our late great @Kevin jaynes made that video.
> I reference the line "highly valuable walnut tree" at least once a week . I have buddies here always trying to get me to take their tree or logs of it....but they want me to pay em for it....lol


I didn’t know, it’s a good thing then to refresh his memory for all the members that do.

Reactions: Agree 4


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike1950

:)

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mr. Peet

What do you call an illegally parked Frog?

Toad.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## JLTibbetts

Mark reminded me of this one from one of my nephews.
"Where would you find a frog with no legs?"

"Exactly where you left it "

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Herb G.

Never mind.


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## Mike1950

JLTibbetts said:


> Love this thread !!
> How do you post a meme without adding any text?
> I can upload a gif or jpeg, but when I hit post reply I get an error message that say "Please enter a valid message"





ripjack13 said:


> After you upload it. Hit the option on the picture where it says insert...then it will say full image. Click it again to add it to the post. Then hit post reply...


I just say hi or :)

Reactions: Like 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1 | Sincere 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 8 | Informative 1


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## Mr. Peet

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 223658


We got our bundled cable bill too.


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## Sprung



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3 | Sincere 1


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## Sprung



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## DLJeffs

...

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## Sprung



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## phinds



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## Sprung



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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## phinds



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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7 | Informative 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## phinds



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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Hill

Excuse me while Lil' Mikey takes a short interlude. He just saw a copy of "THE" poster and if brought back a flood of emotions! Oh, come on and don't lie by telling me that you don't know the poster I am talking about! - It had to do with an indian blanket, a red swimsuit, and blonde hair! Come to think about it, some may be too young!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## JR Parks

Mike Hill said:


> Excuse me while Lil' Mikey takes a short interlude. He just saw a copy of "THE" poster and if brought back a flood of emotions! Oh, come on and don't lie by telling me that you don't know the poster I am talking about! - It had to do with an indian blanket, a red swimsuit, and blonde hair! Come to think about it, some may be too young!


That swimsuit is in the Smithsonian-

Reactions: Like 1


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## SENC

Mike Hill said:


> Excuse me while Lil' Mikey takes a short interlude. He just saw a copy of "THE" poster and if brought back a flood of emotions! Oh, come on and don't lie by telling me that you don't know the poster I am talking about! - It had to do with an indian blanket, a red swimsuit, and blonde hair! Come to think about it, some may be too young!


emotions?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## DLJeffs

Mike Hill said:


> Excuse me while Lil' Mikey takes a short interlude. He just saw a copy of "THE" poster and if brought back a flood of emotions! Oh, come on and don't lie by telling me that you don't know the poster I am talking about! - It had to do with an indian blanket, a red swimsuit, and blonde hair! Come to think about it, some may be too young!


Farrah was every guy's heart throb when that poster came out. Her toughest competition was the Lange girl - Lange ski boots - "It's soft inside".

Reactions: Like 1


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## Eric Rorabaugh



Reactions: Thank You! 3 | EyeCandy! 2 | Sincere 3


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 6 | Funny 5


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## phinds

Gives new meaning to the phrase "a dead duck"

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill

DLJeffs said:


> Farrah was every guy's heart throb when that poster came out. Her toughest competition was the Lange girl - Lange ski boots - "It's soft inside".


Now, being from Texas - in the 70's I had no idea what a ski boot was. Things such as that were not marketed in San Antonio! Hippie kicking boots - yes Ski boots - no! So the Lange Girl means nothing to me - I'll have to dust off the google search engine! Around our parts Farrah's competition was either Catherine Bach or Tanya Tucker (go figure). Around Aggieland it was Kim Tomes - Miss Texas and Miss USA and she walked our campus. I know I've written this before - but I gotta brag a little more - Lil Mikey The Aggie got to dance with her one time at Lakeview! Lil Mikey The Aggie was a limp fish for the rest of the week - it was overwhelming and musta obliterated more than a few neurons! Even the Longnecks lost their luster after that! I think the universe tilted a little that night! I think she has ended up retired and growing bees - lucky bees!

Reactions: Like 3 | Sincere 1


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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> Gives new meaning to the phrase "a dead duck"
> 
> View attachment 223856


I certainly hope @Gdurfey doesn't see this horror!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## DLJeffs

Mike Hill said:


> Now, being from Texas - in the 70's I had no idea what a ski boot was. Things such as that were not marketed in San Antonio! Hippie kicking boots - yes Ski boots - no! So the Lange Girl means nothing to me - I'll have to dust off the google search engine! Around our parts Farrah's competition was either Catherine Bach or Tanya Tucker (go figure). Around Aggieland it was Kim Tomes - Miss Texas and Miss USA and she walked our campus. I know I've written this before - but I gotta brag a little more - Lil Mikey The Aggie got to dance with her one time at Lakeview! Lil Mikey The Aggie was a limp fish for the rest of the week - it was overwhelming and musta obliterated more than a few neurons! Even the Longnecks lost their luster after that! I think the universe tilted a little that night! I think she has ended up retired and growing bees - lucky bees!


Didn't Farrah Fawcett go to TU? I can understand Catherine Bach , aka Daisy Duke.

This is the Lange girl original poster. They've gotten a lot more risque since.

Reactions: Like 3


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## JR Parks

FF-UT. Yes she did.


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## Mike Hill

DLJeffs said:


> Didn't Farrah Fawcett go to TU? I can understand Catherine Bach , aka Daisy Duke.
> 
> This is the Lange girl original poster. They've gotten a lot more risque since.
> 
> View attachment 223864


You do mean tu don't you? She is the lone exception of tea-sip non-acceptance - because she was born in Corpus Christi!


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8


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## DLJeffs

phinds said:


> View attachment 223869


I've actually seen something very similar - except instead of a tree branch, it was a dead armadillo in southern Missouri.


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## Mr. Peet

DLJeffs said:


> I've actually seen something very similar - except instead of a tree branch, it was a dead armadillo in southern Missouri.


We had a dead cat in our area they painted the white line over.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## 2feathers Creative Making

Racoon in our county with the yellow line. Coworker had a picture of it.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike1950

We got this!!

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> Gives new meaning to the phrase "a dead duck"
> 
> View attachment 223856


A pox upon yah Paul - this photo keeps me awake at night --- 



You can see my uvula! According to Barney - "All God's children have a uvula!"

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

Proof positive that we need more regulation of the Bovine Flatulence Industry and how they should not use kimchee for bull food! I hope this does not give some DC bureaucrat any crazy ideas!!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

........... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## phinds

Funny, but another duplicate from a couple of months ago

Also, there was no need to post such and *ENORMOUS *pic so I reduced it for you.


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## Tom Smart

Not worth a double laugh?

Reactions: Agree 1


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## phinds

Tom Smart said:


> Not worth a double laugh?


Well, it got a hell of a chuckle from me the first time I saw it.


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## ripjack13

phinds said:


> Funny, but another duplicate from a couple of months ago
> 
> Also, there was no need to post such and *ENORMOUS *pic so I reduced it for you.


Not everyone is tech savy Paul.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Herb G.

Mike Hill said:


> Proof positive that we need more regulation of the Bovine Flatulence Industry and how they should not use kimchee for bull food! I hope this does not give some DC bureaucrat any crazy ideas!!
> 
> View attachment 223894


Looks like Taco Tuesday to me. Well, the results of it anyway.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tom Smart

ripjack13 said:


> Not everyone is tech savy Paul.


Let him have his little fun, Marc.


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## phinds

ripjack13 said:


> Not everyone is tech savy Paul.


Yeah, I get so used to doing it all the time that I forget that most folks don't bother to learn how to manipulate images, even though the basics (like cropping and resizing) are really trivial.

I mean, check this out. Really easy:

Reactions: Funny 3


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## trc65



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 11 | Way Cool 1


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## phinds

I wish I could give three funny icons for that one

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 11


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## Mike1950

:)

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 8


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## Herb G.

2 guys are sitting in a bar on the 100th floor of the Empire State building.
A 3rd guy walks in & the barkeeper asks if he wants the usual. 3rd guy says "Sure thing."
So, the barkeep mixes up this fizzy blue drink, spitting & popping like firecrackers.
The guy drinks it down in one gulp. He walks over to the window, opens it up & steps out.
From the 100th floor. He walks all the way around the building & comes back in the window. In mid-air.
One of the other guys sitting at the bar says "I'll have one of those."
Barkeep mixes it up, guy gulps it down. He opens the window, steps out & falls 100 floors to his death.

Barkeep says "Superman, you're funny as hell when you've been drinking."

Reactions: Funny 5


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## trc65



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Bigg081

Mike1950 said:


> :)
> 
> View attachment 224174


You still have the same PayPal???

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

trc65 said:


> View attachment 224175
> 
> View attachment 224176


Oh yeh, just noticed - 3.14 - Happy Pi day!

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1 | Funny 1


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## Mr. Peet

We celebrate 3.14.06 in this house, 16 today, WoW.

Reactions: Like 2 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill

Mr. Peet said:


> We celebrate 3.14.06 in this house, 16 today, WoW.


Why 3.14.06?


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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> Why 3.14.06?


PM


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## Mike Hill

Ok, I told everyone to be wary of the Ides of March! and apparently camels in TN.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

*Nihilistic Password Security Questions *

What is the name of your least favorite child?
In what year did you abandon your dreams?
What is the maiden name of your father’s mistress?
At what age did your childhood pet run away?
In what city did you first experience ennui?
What is your ex-wife’s newest last name?
What is the name of your favorite canceled TV show?
On what street did you lose your childlike sense of wonder?
When did you stop trying?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Mike Hill

I found my bumper sticker I gotta have!!!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8


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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> I found my bumper sticker I gotta have!!!!
> 
> View attachment 224261





Looks like a pickle to me...

Reactions: Funny 4


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## barry richardson



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## barry richardson

Mike Hill said:


> I found my bumper sticker I gotta have!!!!
> 
> View attachment 224261

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Herb G.

Kung Fu squirrel. Bwahaha.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

barry richardson said:


> View attachment 224282


He deserves to be pickled!!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Cliff.

Speaking of...

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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## Arn213

When I saw this yesterday in Williamsburg, Brooklyn I thought this was so cool! Then it dawned on it that this would be a perfect ride for our own @Tony as it checks all the boxes. It just need Tejas plates. I could go to the UPS store and find a box big enough to ship this little ride to you my friend.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 9


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## 2feathers Creative Making

Arn213 said:


> When I saw this yesterday in Williamsburg, Brooklyn I thought this was so cool! Then it dawned on it that this would be a perfect ride for our own @Tony as it checks all the boxes. It just need Tejas plates. I could go to the UPS store and find a box big enough to ship this little ride to you my friend.
> 
> View attachment 224370
> 
> View attachment 224371


You keep critiquing others photography, yet you let the car get plumb in the way in those 2 pictures. I mean, you only see a little blue peeking out first. By the way, remember to take out any batteries before shipping...

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Arn213

2feathers Creative Making said:


> You keep critiquing others photography, yet you let the car get plumb in the way in those 2 pictures. I mean, you only see a little blue peeking out first. By the way, remember to take out any batteries before shipping...


This was a busy street and lots of cars passing through plus bike lanes. I took the photo’s and included the moped and the SUV for size and scale. I wasn’t shooting for a session to get a center fold pictorial or proper composition. I was just having a little fun- a quick point and shoot as I was passing through. Feel free to cite me Frank where I critiquing others photography.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mr. Peet

2feathers Creative Making said:


> You keep critiquing others photography, yet you let the car get plumb in the way in those 2 pictures. I mean, you only see a little blue peeking out first. By the way, remember to take out any batteries before shipping...


That blue bike is too high for Tony, but nice thought.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Bigg081

Arn213 said:


> This was a busy street and lots of cars passing through plus bike lanes. I took the photo’s and included the moped and the SUV for size and scale. I wasn’t shooting for a session to get a center fold pictorial or proper composition. I was just having a little fun- a quick point and shoot as I was passing through. Feel free to cite me Frank where I critiquing others photography.


@Arn213 Read what he said again…now feel the sarcasm. LOL. He is saying the blue moped would be a better ride for @Tony

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## 2feathers Creative Making

Arn213 said:


> This was a busy street and lots of cars passing through plus bike lanes. I took the photo’s and included the moped and the SUV for size and scale. I wasn’t shooting for a session to get a center fold pictorial or proper composition. I was just having a little fun- a quick point and shoot as I was passing through. Feel free to cite me Frank where I critiquing others photography.


Just poking at you while picking at Tony. Implying that the moped was your intended subject. Wasn't meant to be offensive, just tongue in cheek sarcasm.

Reactions: Like 3


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## Arn213

Damn Tennessean - my bad, I got
you and that is karma biting me in the arse. That is what I get for poking at you this early in the morning @Tony.

Reactions: Funny 3 | +Karma 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7 | Informative 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Wildthings

Arn213 said:


> When I saw this yesterday in Williamsburg, Brooklyn I thought this was so cool! Then it dawned on it that this would be a perfect ride for our own @Tony as it checks all the boxes. It just need Tejas plates. I could go to the UPS store and find a box big enough to ship this little ride to you my friend.
> 
> View attachment 224370
> 
> View attachment 224371


I too figured it had to be the blue moped. But I know @Tony and both of those would overwhelm him .

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Arn213

Wildthings said:


> I too figured it had to be the blue moped. But I know @Tony and both of those would overwhelm him .


Oh Tony deserves better that that, which is why I focused on the cool 4 wheeler ride, the one that looks like a mini coupe. That blue colored Revel is an electric moped- those are rentable in many parts of the city if you want to go exploring. It would be challenging going through tolls, the drive through (may I have a kid meal?) and the many stops at the gas station because of the small tank.


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Gdurfey

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 224528


That’s not funny…that be truth!!

Reactions: Funny 2 | Sincere 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

Pun intended!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> View attachment 224576


I think I know him!


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Herb G.

Here's a joke I know you never heard.
2 guys were driving in the desert & broke down.
They started walking out, and they came across a dead skunk, 1/2 rotten, baking in the sun.
1st guy says "I'm starving." So, he goes over & grabs a handful of rotten skunk meat & chows down on it. He asks the 2nd guy if he wants some. 2nd guy says "I'll wait for a good, hot meal."
They walk out another 4-5 hours & the 1st guy says "I don't feel so good."
He goes over & throws up on a big, flat rock.
The 2nd guy goes over & grabs a big handful of fresh barf & gulps it down.
He says "I told you I'd get a good hot meal."

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds

Herb G. said:


> Here's a joke I know you never heard.


AND ... never wanted to

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Bigg081

Herb G. said:


> Here's a joke I know you never heard.
> 2 guys were driving in the desert & broke down.
> They started walking out, and they came across a dead skunk, 1/2 rotten, baking in the sun.
> 1st guy says "I'm starving." So, he goes over & grabs a handful of rotten skunk meat & chows down on it. He asks the 2nd guy if he wants some. 2nd guy says "I'll wait for a good, hot meal."
> They walk out another 4-5 hours & the 1st guy says "I don't feel so good."
> He goes over & throws up on a big, flat rock.
> The 2nd guy goes over & grabs a big handful of fresh barf & gulps it down.
> He says "I told you I'd get a good hot meal."


I read this as I was eating....UGH. LOL

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 6 | Funny 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Gdurfey

Picture, if you will, a marquee sign.......

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you're stupid and make bad decisions!!



yep, I know, maybe not funny...............

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

I resemble that remark!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Nubsnstubs

phinds said:


> View attachment 224887


I don't know what happened, but it took from mid day yesterday until 2pm today to get this one. I'm a bit smarter than that most of the time, but this I just couldn't get what it was referring to. Man, I'm slow ............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 1 | Sincere 1


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## phinds

Nubsnstubs said:


> I don't know what happened, but it took from mid day yesterday until 2pm today to get this one. I'm a bit smarter than that most of the time, but this I just couldn't get what it was referring to. Man, I'm slow ............. Jerry (in Tucson)


Been there, done that.

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1


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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> I resemble that remark!!


Marquee versus Miikee

Maybe....


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## phinds

--Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupe melons and no one asks, "What the Hell is wrong with you?”

--When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5.

--When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

--Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”

--I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a couple of years ago. Since then my mugging attempts have been much more successful

--If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self employed. We’re having a meeting.

--I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine. I’m ageing like milk: Getting sour and chunky.

--I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime. Today’s 3 year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

Just got back to the office from visiting a jobsite - and I had one nearly apocalyptic aha moment!

I am obliged to look at some people and think.....
Really?
That's the little wriggly thing that won?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## phinds

Mike Hill said:


> Just got back to the office from visiting a jobsite - and I had one nearly apocalyptic aha moment!
> 
> I am obliged to look at some people and think.....
> Really?
> That's the little wriggly thing that won?


Hey, never underestimate us idiots, Mike. We're tricky !


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## Mike Hill

It's Friday Afternoon - I think Saturday I wanna do this! Don't ask me why!!

Dr. Chumley: I know where I'd go.
Elwood P. Dowd: Where?
Dr. Chumley: I'd go to Akron.
Elwood P. Dowd: Akron? Oh, yes.
Dr. Chumley: There's a cottage camp just outside of Akron and a grove of maple trees. Green, cool, beautiful.
Elwood P. Dowd: That's my favorite tree.
Dr. Chumley: And I'd go there with a pretty woman.
Elwood P. Dowd: Oh!
Dr. Chumley: A strange woman. A quiet woman.
Elwood P. Dowd: Oh, under a tree?
Dr. Chumley: I wouldn't even want to know her name. Where I would be just "Mr. Smith." And I would send out for cold beer.
Elwood P. Dowd: No whiskey, huh?
Dr. Chumley: No. Then I would tell her things. Things that I've never told to anyone. Things that are locked deep in here. And as I talk to her, I would want her to hold out a soft white hand and say, "Poor thing. Poor, poor thing."


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## JLTibbetts

Mike Hill said:


> Really?
> That's the little wriggly thing that won?



Some days ya gotta think it"s high time for the Almighty to clean out the gene pool.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## phinds

Mike Hill said:


> It's Friday Afternoon - I think Saturday I wanna do this! Don't ask me why!!


Definitely one of my favorite movies.


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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> Just got back to the office from visiting a jobsite - and I had one nearly apocalyptic aha moment!
> 
> I am obliged to look at some people and think.....
> Really?
> That's the little wriggly thing that won?


Drop an 'R' and feel better....


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## Bigdrowdy1

so loss and confused I guess I just thought I was old!! maybe some day I will understand until then little Mikey is deep in thought.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds

What has two butts and kills people?



Spoiler



An assassin

Reactions: Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## phinds

Bigdrowdy1 said:


> so loss and confused I guess I just thought I was old!! maybe some day I will understand until then little Mikey is deep in thought.


Guess you didn't see the movie


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## Bigdrowdy1

phinds said:


> What has two butts and kills people?
> 
> 
> 
> Spoiler
> 
> 
> 
> An assassin


I needed that this morning

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1


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## Herb G.

A guy walks into a bar & orders 2 shots. He drinks one, pours the other in his hand.
Barkeep shakes his head, but goes about his business.
Guy orders 2 more shots. Drinks one, pours the other in his hand.
Barkeep shrugs, keeps busy. So, after the guy orders his 3rd round of shots & pours the other one in his hand,
the barkeep can't help but ask what he's doing.
Guy says well, I gotta get my date drunk too, don't I?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Nubsnstubs

phinds said:


> What has two butts and kills people?
> 
> 
> 
> Spoiler
> 
> 
> 
> An assassin


It’s Saturday, I’m up in Skull Valley again, it’s early and in the middle of my first cup of coffee. I missed something.So, *. .......... Jerry ( in Tucson)*


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## Bigdrowdy1

Nubsnstubs said:


> It’s Saturday, I’m up in Skull Valley again, it’s early and in the middle of my first cup of coffee. I missed something.So, *. .......... Jerry ( in Tucson)*


Click on the spoiler button

Reactions: Agree 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 4


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Nubsnstubs

Price of gas in France------ A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings--- I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh 
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.  
I put it here because I figured I had nothing Toulouse .............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 9


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## phinds

Where IS that howling wolf icon ???

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> Where IS that howling wolf icon ???


Not sure, but we could use it for,"What did the wolf say when he stepped on a nail?"

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds

Mr. Peet said:


> Not sure, but we could use it for,"What did the wolf say when he stepped on a nail?"


Well, we always have this one

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

Nubsnstubs said:


> Price of gas in France------ A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings--- I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh
> See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
> I put it here because I figured I had nothing Toulouse .............. Jerry (in Tucson)


Oh good - now I'm having to clean my monitor of laugh juices!

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> Where IS that howling wolf icon ???


I guess these aren't what you are looking for?





Or this





Or this





Or Jes' maybe, sometimes these are just a better representation of wood-bearing emotions

Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13

Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. 
He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 
'Is it common?'I asked. 
'It's not unusual' he replied.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## phinds

Mike Hill said:


> I guess these aren't what you are looking for?


No, something more like this:

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> No, something more like this:
> View attachment 225227








howling wolf - Yahoo Video Search Results


The search engine that helps you find exactly what you're looking for. Find the most relevant information, video, images, and answers from all across the Web.




video.search.yahoo.com

Reactions: Informative 1


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## phinds

I'm a big Christopher Walken fan and I really got a kick out of this. People who DON'T like him are likely to get even more of a kick out of it.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> I'm a big Christopher Walken fan and I really got a kick out of this. People who DON'T like him are likely to get even more of a kick out of it.
> 
> 
> View attachment 225233


I think......that is like.........a uh.......wonderful thing.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 4 | Informative 1


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## phinds

Interesting fact --- this demographic has not changed throughout history

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

You forgot the study associated with this.

*Population structure and clonal prevalence of huminus europeanus and huminus mediterraneanus

Abstract*

Population dynamics of sibling varieties of extant huminus populations have a general population distribution that patterns as stratum ranging from cold as crap places and the Riviera. We aimed to study the population aspects of every altitudinal temperature range. The fluctuations of the populations were associated mainly with the availability of certain temperatures and amounts of solar energy. The highest densities of the populations were recorded in the sunny biotic and abiotic subregions.

*What We Found Out*

We found that natural spatial and temporal population fluctuation in these huminus poplulations is the result of the interaction of different environmental factors and the intrinsic characteristics of the species and individuals involved. Different ecological studies determined that one of the main factors affecting huminus population density is the presence of temperature dynamics. Temperature affects their distribution, abundance, and cognizant period. Within each altitudinal temperature range, sampling data revealed that the general distribution of bipedal faunal taxa fluctuated as a function of the gradient organic temperature levels.

_Population _genetics and migration pathways of the noted populations correlated as a coefficient between SSW (Sun, Sand, Water) values. The higher the SSW level the denser the population and the more migration pathways into these high SSW level areas. It seems that although a few individuals seemed to prefer the colder biomes, most preferred the more temperate biomes. In plain words – most people liked to live in warm places rather than cold places.

An interesting corollary from the study was the dynamics of the male huminus individuals, their younger and older clones and their collective migration patterns. Beaches of both climatic extremes were studied. Only one seems to influence behaviors and the migrations of the male huminus population – the southern one. Findings determined that the established pattern of this population dynamic is associated with the amount of bodily coverings. On the northern beaches, temperature was more frigid so more clothing was worn by the female contingent of the population. Conversely, on the southern beaches, the female population shed much, if not all, of their bodily coverings. That seemed to result in a much higher density of the male population. This was found to be a rigidly established pattern and particular management scenarios and controls were found to be ineffective, especially within the presence of intoxicating beverages consumed by the male population.

*Conclusion

Herewith, since each of the studied species’ scientific nomenclature ends with the letters a-n-u s, it is probably better that you make your own conclusion. Something smells dueterostomal about this!

Acknowledgments*

We would like to thank boocoos of people for their assistance in field and laboratory work. Funding was provided by Lil Mikey [Director of Bombassity].

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

Mike Hill said:


> A dyslexic walks into a bra.


You mean that only Lil Mikey has a weird enough brain to find this funny?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds

Mike Hill said:


> You mean that only Lil Mikey has a weird enough brain to find this funny?


Correct.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Nubsnstubs

Mike Hill said:


> *You forgot the study associated with this.*
> 
> Population structure and clonal prevalence of huminus *euro peanus* and huminus mediterraneanus
> 
> *Abstract*
> 
> Population dynamics of sibling varieties of extant huminus populations have a general population distribution that patterns as stratum ranging from cold as crap places and the Riviera. We aimed to study the population aspects of every altitudinal temperature range. The fluctuations of the populations were a
> 
> *Conclusion
> 
> Herewith, since each of the studied species’ scientific nomenclature ends with the letters a-n-u s, it is probably better that you make your own conclusion. Something smells dueterostomal about this!
> 
> Acknowledgments*
> 
> We would like to thank boocoos of people for their assistance in field and laboratory work. Funding was provided by Lil Mikey [Director of Bombassity].


Lil Mikey, you also used peanus in your description of some humanoids. Was that an oversite? ................ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: +Karma 1


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## Mike Hill

Nubsnstubs said:


> Lil Mikey, you also used peanus in your description of some humanoids. Was that an oversite? ................ Jerry (in Tucson)


Well-------uhhhhh--------well---------dunno-----------------????????????


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## Mike Hill

Wait!!!!! Stop the world, I wanna get off. There's another Mike Hill???????????? You gotta read the caption!

Reactions: Funny 4 | Informative 1


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## Mike Hill

Now, that is ingenuity!!!!

Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 2 | Creative 1 | Useful 1


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## Mike Hill

Moderator note: If you need to move this to the woodcarving or offset turning thread - feel free to!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9 | Way Cool 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 8


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## Mike Hill

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 225469


Mine just smell like smelly feet. They don't laugh about that!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## DLJeffs

...

Reactions: Funny 9 | +Karma 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 5 | Funny 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## phinds

Now here's one that REALLY belongs here on WB:

Three things I love is to eat my family and write without worrying about commas

This joke was brought to you by the grammar police

Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

Way Too funny - and I'm not that big of a ZZ Top fan - but I am a Charlie Brown fan!

Reactions: Like 3 | Way Cool 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7


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## tocws2002

phinds said:


> Now here's one that REALLY belongs here on WB:
> 
> Three things I love is to eat my family and write without worrying about commas
> 
> This joke was brought to you by the grammar police
> View attachment 225836



In real WB fashion, shouldn't that be "Three things I love _are...."_

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

You know who you are!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5 | Creative 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5 | Informative 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> View attachment 225900


I resent that!!! I think I do!!!!! Should i?????


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## Mike Hill

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 225892


Does that work the same for an electric bike? Inquiring minds want to know!


----------



## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## ripjack13

Mike Hill said:


> Does that work the same for an electric bike? Inquiring minds want to know!


Not sure. I don't have one of them fancy rigs....

Reactions: Agree 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Greenacres2

phinds said:


> View attachment 226044


Thank goodness i swallowed my coffee before i saw this--i'd have been cleaning my office the rest of the day!!
earl

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## phinds

If you are ever feeling particularly ineffectual, remember --- it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and 4 US presidents to replace the Taliban with ... the Taliban.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## phinds

WAY too close to home:

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

ripjack13 said:


> Not sure. I don't have one of them fancy rigs....


Me neither, but we know someone who does!


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 3


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Mike1950

True and funny

Reactions: Agree 7 | Funny 1


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## rob3232

How is this a joke? Or even funny? Many of us have teachers or other public workers in our families and are now getting bashed for simply doing their jobs.


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## Mike1950

rob3232 said:


> How is this a joke? Or even funny? Many of us have teachers or other public workers in our families and are now getting bashed for simply doing their jobs.
> 
> View attachment 226335


I am sorry you take offense to it. If needed I will remove. @Tony @ripjack13 let me know. 
Ps I know more parents than teachers.


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## 2feathers Creative Making

It would have been funnier with teenager embroidered on that person wielding the bat. Much more accurate that way, for sure.

I am neither offended nor laughing hysterically on this one. I have been a teacher. That stuff right there happens.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike1950

2feathers Creative Making said:


> It would have been funnier with teenager embroidered on that person wielding the bat. Much more accurate that way, for sure.
> 
> I am neither offended nor laughing hysterically on this one. I have been a teacher. That stuff right there happens.


It is in reference to teaching k-8 Trans and sex education. 
Sorry I found it funny. Takes so little to offend . I will shut up now.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Eric Rorabaugh

I'm a deal with the public every day and I enjoyed it. I have several close friends that are teachers. I knew what Mike was referring to and that is such BS!!!!!!!!!!!


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## rob3232

Okay, how is this funny? I’m not offended buddy!


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## Mike1950

rob3232 said:


> Okay, how is this funny? I’m not offended buddy!


Ok I will tell . Ya know I just typed out big explanation. And deleted. My post will be gone this evening...


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## 2feathers Creative Making

Mike1950 said:


> It is in reference to teaching k-8 Trans and sex education.
> Sorry I found it funny. Takes so little to offend . I will shut up now.


I typed a lengthy response probably in a reasonable tone. Then I decided to follow wiser heads. I too shall stop here.

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## 2feathers Creative Making

Speaking of...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Well....too me its funny. The way this @##$ed up world is right now. The newer "class" of people want everyone to have to listen/accept their ways but if we want to speak about our ways they freak out and scream we are racist/bigots/etc. I don't feel a teacher has any right to teach that way of thinking to any child without the parents approval. I really think that style of teaching has NO PLACE in public schools especially to children of that age. Ok rant over. Not PO'd at anyone here but my 2 cents.

Reactions: Agree 6 | Great Post 1


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## phinds

Personally, I see it quite the other way 'round. I have it on the authority of my wife and numerous of her friends that this "joke" cartoon is all too true:

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 3


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## scootac

My observation?
Teachers are having to do more and more what parents should be doing!!!
People have kids.....then ship them off to pre-school at 3-4 years old, then kindergarten, then school.
Weekends? Send 'em off to soccer/ball/dance.....let coaches babysit/raise them. Mom n dad working so they can have new cars/toys, bigger houses.

You want kids.....learn how to be a parent!!!!!

Reactions: Agree 3 | Useful 1


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## Mike1950

phinds said:


> Personally, I see it quite the other way 'round. I have it on the authority of my wife and numerous of her friends that this "joke" cartoon is all too true:
> 
> View attachment 226345


Yikes- into the rathole i go. we spend 4 times the $$$ as closest other country. and our scores are like 15th. the system needs to go back to teaching basics and stay out of the home.
In 1965 LBJ started war on poverty. African american single parent households were 25% and white were 10%. It was said 25 % was not sustainable. Now 55+ years later and 25 trillion spent on this war. African american single parent households are 75% and white 30%. How are we doing. are we getting our $$$$ worth. PS in 1965 I was in the white 10% and it f....ing sucked.
so now the cure is the government is going to get MORE responsibility for children. Ha. Rant over.. and fully expect this to dissappear.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Mr. Peet

Mike1950 said:


> Yikes- into the rathole i go. we spend 4 times the $$$ as closet other country. and our scores are like 15th. the system needs to go back to teaching basics and stay out of the home.
> In 1965 LBJ started war on poverty. African american single parent households were 25% and white were 10%. It was said 25 % was not sustainable. Now 55+ years later and 25 trillion spent on this war. African american single parent households are 75% and white 30%. How are we doing. are we getting our $$$$ worth. PS in 1965 I was in the white 10% and it f....ing sucked.
> so now the cure is the government is going to get MORE responsibility for children. Ha. Rant over.. and fully expect this to dissappear.


I like how you used Core math, we saw a lot of that in our last election cycle, 75%+30%= 105%

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

I'm going to leave it. We cant please everyone here all the time. Sometimes feathers will get ruffled. What's funny to some may not be funny to others. So let's be mindful of that in the future and move on.

Reactions: Agree 5


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## Mike1950

Nah. You miss understand. 75% of African American families are single parent. 30% of white are.

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## phinds

Mike1950 said:


> Nah. You miss understand. 75% of African American families are single parent. 30% of white are.


I think Mark might have had his tongue in his cheek when he said that

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## phinds

* As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of ... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

* Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "That can't be accurate."

* I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

* Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation, "Maybe next time," isn't the correct response.

* Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out, "You have reached your final destination."

* My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

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## Mike1950

phinds said:


> * As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of ... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
> 
> * Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "That can't be accurate."
> 
> * I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
> 
> * Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation, "Maybe next time," isn't the correct response.
> 
> * Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out, "You have reached your final destination."
> 
> * My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen and I have no clue where the music is coming from.


those are all accurate- but " Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "That can't be accurate.""
This applies this AM-tweaked my back yesterday-very little good sleep, Looked in the mirror-Yikes I am old....

Reactions: Sincere 1


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## phinds

Mike1950 said:


> those are all accurate- but " Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "That can't be accurate.""
> This applies this AM-tweaked my back yesterday-very little good sleep, Looked in the mirror-Yikes I am old....


One of the problems with getting old is you keep being startled by the fact that all those old folks around you are the same age you are.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Tom Smart

phinds said:


> One of the problems with getting old is you keep being startled by the fact that all those old folks around you are the same age you are.


I had this thought last week. Then I realized I was actually older than those old folks. Holy crap!!

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## 2feathers Creative Making

Several roads around here...

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## Mike1950

phinds said:


> One of the problems with getting old is you keep being startled by the fact that all those old folks around you are the same age you are.


Yes getting old has its drawbacks but still beats the hell out of the only alternative...

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## Tom Smart

Aging Quotes

"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe

"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain

"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller

"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns

"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg

“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault

“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben

"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns

“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser

"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers

"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." – GB

"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown

"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin

"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagnerf

"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie

"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain

"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett

"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg

"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips

"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers

"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown "

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns "

"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## Tony

Mike1950 said:


> those are all accurate- but " Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "That can't be accurate.""
> This applies this AM-tweaked my back yesterday-very little good sleep, Looked in the mirror-Yikes I am old....


Yes. Yes you are

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## Mike1950

Tony said:


> Yes. Yes you are


grrrrrrr

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## Wildthings

phinds said:


> * As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of ... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
> 
> * Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "That can't be accurate."
> 
> * I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
> 
> * Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation, "Maybe next time," isn't the correct response.
> 
> * *Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out, "You have reached your final destination."*
> 
> * My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen and I have no clue where the music is coming from.


LOL! Really!! I actually laughed out loud on that one!! Thank you

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## Clay3063

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> Well....too me its funny. The way this @##$ed up world is right now. The newer "class" of people want everyone to have to listen/accept their ways but if we want to speak about our ways they freak out and scream we are racist/bigots/etc. I don't feel a teacher has any right to teach that way of thinking to any child without the parents approval. I really think that style of teaching has NO PLACE in public schools especially to children of that age. Ok rant over. Not PO'd at anyone here but my 2 cents.


My dad used to say, "Son, I'm sending you to school to get an education." I'm more inclined to believe the kids today are getting an indoctrination rather than an education. My sister retired from teaching because of it and my oldest daughter is on the verge.

Reactions: Agree 4


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## phinds

OK, gang, we're done w/ the side rant. If you want to rant about our educational system start another thread not in the jokes.

Actually, it's probably a good idea to just drop the topic totally here on WB. After all, from the rules:
The discussion of political, religious, social, or socioeconomic topics are not permitted.​

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## Mike1950

Works better with beer.

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## Mike1950

:)

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## phinds



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## Clay3063

And here's my contribution for the day....

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## 2feathers Creative Making

Clay3063 said:


> And here's my contribution for the day....
> 
> View attachment 226591


Darn tootin!


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## phinds

Running low on cash, I went into Mini Mart and said, "I'd like $5 on pump number one."
The clerk said, "Where are you going? Pump number two?"

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## Karl_TN

Just read funeral prices are going up due to recent cost of living increases.

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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## Mike Hill

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 226783


Is that sorta like Ima Hogg of Houston and the ever popular Ura Hogg - (not of Texas, but of Chimeric)

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## Mike Hill

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 226784


Doesn't look like mahogany - so cannot be "The Tree"!

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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mr. Peet

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 226778


Looks great.


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## Mike Hill



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## phinds

European map-makers have recently upgraded the Scandinavian area:

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## phinds



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## phinds



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## Mike Hill



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## T. Ben

A

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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Greenacres2

Between @Mike Hill 's Burro, Burrow, and Cookie Dough--my desk, monitors and keyboard all have had too much coffee today. Probably some spatters on the wall as well. Fortuitously, i'm at work not at home!!

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## phinds



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## phinds

Picked up a hitch-hiker.
Seemed like a nice guy.

After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?

I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike1950

phinds said:


> View attachment 227556


I have a duck whistle- tell them- my phone is acting up, can you hear that whistle in background. then blow on it. Very effective...

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## Herb G.

I just see spam on the caller ID & decide to have fun with them.
I say Hu Fong Chinee restaurant. *YOU ORDER NOW*!!!
They usually hang up & don't call back after that.

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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> View attachment 227675


Ya see more lawn tractors wrecked that way...


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## Mike Hill

Just wondering how many pen blanks this would make? Was this the age that men were men?

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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Wildthings

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 227730


That's funny in both ways - what it's implying! (Well maybe not funny but sad) and its use of the wrong word

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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## phinds



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

Also the inventor of the Fig Newton!

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## Mike Hill



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## Greenacres2

@Mike Hill that Goat is awesome!! I'm almost ready to go to Winslow--especially now that i've discovered Earl's Route 66 Motor Court Motel as a place to stay. I've got a Southwest voucher that is set to expire in September--so we may do it in the next few months (even though it's a wee toasty this time of year!!)
earl


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## Mike Hill

Greenacres2 said:


> @Mike Hill that Goat is awesome!! I'm almost ready to go to Winslow--especially now that i've discovered Earl's Route 66 Motor Court Motel as a place to stay. I've got a Southwest voucher that is set to expire in September--so we may do it in the next few months (even though it's a wee toasty this time of year!!)
> earl


That will be cool - so to speak! Had a buddy and his wife do a large part of 66 in his '60 vette - pearl with turquoise panel. Top down most of the way. He ain't hurt'n for money and had it shipped somewhere I can't remember and they flew to meet it.

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## Greenacres2

Mike Hill said:


> That will be cool - so to speak! Had a buddy and his wife do a large part of 66 in his '60 vette - pearl with turquoise panel. Top down most of the way. He ain't hurt'n for money and had it shipped somewhere I can't remember and they flew to meet it.


Just to stay on the Joke a Day topic…
If we do head out to Winslow AZ this year, it will be in a rental Kia Sportage with the top up most of the way. But since 2 bags fly free, I might could have room to pack an 18 volt vehicle customization kit, swap the Kia for a Prius and drop the top for the cruise up to 4-Corners! Kind of a Red Greene sojourn, without the duct tape.

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## Wildthings

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 227752


I knew it was a play on words when I read the headlines. Fully expected to see a picture of Tom Brady in the truck when I scrolled down. Imagine my surprise. Well done grasshopper!!


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## Mike Hill



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## Trob115

File this under the funny but true !

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## Mike Hill



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## phinds

The Jean-Paul Sartre parking garage:

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## phinds

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 227879


But you left out the fact that the generator was delivered by a diesel-fuled tow truck.

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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> But you left out the fact that the generator was delivered by a diesel-fuled tow truck.


Mere details!


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## DLJeffs

Got these today ....

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## Mike Hill

I've decided to launch a new direction in my life and have decided to reduce my buying and hoarding of wood. I've decided to limit my buying wood to only days that start with a "T".

You know like Tuesday and Thursday - and ----

Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday!

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## DLJeffs

Remind me of my younger days ...

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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Texas where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
“Floor 1 – These men have jobs.” The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: “Floor 2 – These men
have jobs and love kids.” The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: “Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.” “Hmmm, better.” she
says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”
The fourth floor sign reads: “Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework.” “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: “Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and
have a strong romantic streak.” “Oh, mercy me! But just think what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: “Floor 6 – You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.”

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## Mike Hill



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## Nubsnstubs

............. Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Greenacres2

I almost put this in the "How's Your Weather Treating You?" thread. Presently only 86f (9:45 am), but at 77% humidity--I'm thankful to still work in an office!!

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## Mike Hill



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## DLJeffs

Silly but funny ...

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## DLJeffs

Clever people are figuring out ways to benefit from the ability to claim you are something you aren't...

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## phinds

DLJeffs said:


> Clever people are figuring out ways to benefit from the ability to claim you are something you aren't...


Yep

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## Mike Hill

Michael and Sue got married. They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mom and Dad's house in Corner Brook for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Sue are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Michael and Sue up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Michael and Sue up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

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## Mike Hill

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. , he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Meg went shopping.
Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

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## Mike Hill



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## phinds

One of my ancestors

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## Mike Hill



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## phinds



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## Mike Hill

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well no."
"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't."
With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?'
The clerk replies, "Because you're at a Home Depot, sir."

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## phinds



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## phinds

Childhood pictures

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## phinds



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

phinds said:


> View attachment 228280


Larry the Cable Guy says: Here's your sign!


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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

This could be a deep thought by James Handey!

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## phinds



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## Nubsnstubs

................ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

.......... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

I think this fits Lil Mikies' signature line perfectly. ......... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

................ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............. Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

.......... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

........... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

........... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

...... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

........... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Mike1950

@Tony in regular chair

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## Mike Hill

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day..
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That will be the Commonwealth of Virginia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from the Commonwealth of Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance..."
God smiled, "Right next to Virginia will be Washington DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

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## Mike Hill

Mike1950 said:


> @Tony in regular chair
> 
> View attachment 228344


Traveled right past Nashville and Lil Mikey - directly to the land of The Angels' Share!!!!!

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## Eric Rorabaugh

Mike Hill said:


> God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day..
> He inquired, "Where have you been?"
> God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
> Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
> "It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test balance."
> "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
> God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
> God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
> The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
> "That will be the Commonwealth of Virginia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from the Commonwealth of Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
> Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance..."
> God smiled, "Right next to Virginia will be Washington DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."


True! So, so true!

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## phinds

IKEA bird's nest:

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## phinds



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## phinds



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## Clay3063

phinds said:


> Yep
> View attachment 228136


Ok. So now my head hurts. Fish = Invertebrates? Beam me up Scotty! There is NO intelligent life on this planet!!!


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## phinds



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

This puts a whole new spin on things!

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## Greenacres2

Mike Hill said:


> This puts a whole new spin on things!
> 
> View attachment 228499


Let me just say this, i was really grateful when we got automatic milking machines--do you have any idea how long it takes to hand milk a gallon from a CHICKEN?????

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## Mike Hill

𝐎𝐥𝐝 𝐇𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐖𝐢𝐬𝐝𝐨𝐦:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
If you don't take the time to do it right, you'll find the time to do it twice.
Don't corner something that is meaner than you.
Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
Don't be banging your shin on a stool that's not in the way.
Borrowing trouble from the future doesn't deplete the supply.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Silence is sometimes the best answer.
Don‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

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## phinds

Can't remember if I posted this already but my daughter sent it to me, knowing that it describes just how I feel about my body:

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## phinds

When Texans move North and work in a book store

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## phinds



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## phinds

Why scientists can't keep girlfriends:

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## phinds

Road trip hell

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## Tom Smart



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

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## Mike1950

Truth

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## Mike Hill

I need your advice.
Recently my wife sent me a text that said, "Your great."
So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, you're great."
She's been walking around all happy and smiling.
Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or leave it alone?

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## Greenacres2

Mike Hill said:


> I need your advice.
> Recently my wife sent me a text that said, "Your great."
> So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, you're great."
> She's been walking around all happy and smiling.
> Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or leave it alone?


@Mike Hill I think you should tell her you're just correcting her spelling...then if we never hear from you again, the rest of us will know what to do.

Just a thought....

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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## Arn213

phinds said:


> View attachment 228657


Well that is a stretch……..I am fairly certain that a gothic “trefoil” shadow will not cast an array of shadows in a form of a “Y”.

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## Arn213

Electrical tape comes in handy…….

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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

Arn213 said:


> Well that is a stretch……..I am fairly certain that a gothic “trefoil” shadow will not cast an array of shadows in a form of a “Y”.


No comments about archieteks. And as much as I hate to agree with the Interior Designer that also like NYC baseball teams, I will have to. But to be safe, I'm gonna do a scale drawing to see if possible.

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## phinds



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## Mike Hill

What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees were more than worth the purchase price of this gun.

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## phinds

Tool commentary

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## phinds

The kind of pun you really hate unless *you *thought of it.

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## Mike Hill

Mike Hill said:


> No comments about archieteks. And as much as I hate to agree with the Interior Designer that also like NYC baseball teams, I will have to. But to be safe, I'm gonna do a scale drawing to see if possible.


Here's the scale drawing. Yeh, I do stoopid things like this. My inquiring mind likes to know things. Lots and lots of assumptions - especially with the size, but have the sun at about a 45 degree from horizon and at a 90 degree to the face of the wall - which is what the shadows off the people show. I am also assuming that the top lobe of the trefoil is not elongated. I do not have the capability of having the light source 94.5 million miles away, so the light patch might be a little wider that if could be, but not much. It'll probably never be elongated like that unless two things - there is an angle of the sun where the light passes thru and is restricted by the inner points of the trefoil (but they look wide, wider than the light patch) or the angle of the sun to the plane of the wall is more acute. When I get time I am going to make some adjustments

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## phinds



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## phinds

lame, but I chuckled anyway

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## phinds



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## phinds



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## ripjack13

Mike Hill said:


> Here's the scale drawing. Yeh, I do stoopid things like this. My inquiring mind likes to know things. Lots and lots of assumptions - especially with the size, but have the sun at about a 45 degree from horizon and at a 90 degree to the face of the wall - which is what the shadows off the people show. I am also assuming that the top lobe of the trefoil is not elongated. I do not have the capability of having the light source 94.5 million miles away, so the light patch might be a little wider that if could be, but not much. It'll probably never be elongated like that unless two things - there is an angle of the sun where the light passes thru and is restricted by the inner points of the trefoil (but they look wide, wider than the light patch) or the angle of the sun to the plane of the wall is more acute. When I get time I am going to make some adjustments
> 
> View attachment 228765


Where's the mythbusters when we need em....

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## Greenacres2

ripjack13 said:


> Where's the mythbusters when we need em....


Adam Savage is speaking here in a few months as part of an annual series. First time in several years i'm tempted to cough up the $250 for the 5-part lecture, but i don't have enough interest in the other 4 (Elizabeth Gilbert, Will Hurd, Gen Petraeus, and Rachel Barton Pine) to move my money. Gen Petraeus is the only other one that would be of interest--so i'll save that $$ to send to Eric or El Guapo for wood!!

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## Eric Rorabaugh

Let me know what wood you want I have and I can surely help you move the $$

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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

gv

........... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

.............. Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

........... Jerry (????)

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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

.................. Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

................ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Mike Hill

Nubsnstubs said:


> View attachment 229010 .................. Jerry (in Tucson)


They actually had that planned in Nashville until the public made so much fun of them for being so dumb!


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## Mike Hill

Nubsnstubs said:


> View attachment 229002 .............. Jerry (in Tucson)


I resemble that remark too much for comfort! BR549

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## phinds



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## Alan R McDaniel Jr

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of scruffy-bearded, young men shouting Anti-American slogans with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember George Floyd" slogan spray painted on the side was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "Defund the police." and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... that coulda been me!" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

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## Gdurfey

Nubsnstubs said:


> View attachment 229004 .............. Jerry (in Tucson)


that is the little airport at Falcon, CO, where we moved from...........Meadowlake Airport. Still can't figure out how he did that......

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## Mike Hill

Gdurfey said:


> that is the little airport at Falcon, CO, where we moved from...........Meadowlake Airport. Still can't figure out how he did that......


NTSB Factual Report​The pilot was established on a base leg for runway 15 (6,000 feet by 60 feet, asphalt) when the engine lost power. The pilot lined up with an adjacent road and continued for a forced landing. Prior to the landing he checked his carburetor heat, mixture, throttle, and magnetos in an attempt to troubleshoot the power loss. He stated that he observed car lights and "swerved into [the] tree." The airplane became lodged in the tree, crushing both wings aft and wrinkling the vertical stabilizer.
The airplane was removed from the tree and relocated to a hangar in Greeley, Colorado, for further examination. An examination of the engine and related systems revealed no anomalies.
The closest official weather observation station was City of Colorado Springs (COS), Colorado Springs, Colorado, located 11.6 nautical miles (nm) south southwest of the accident site. The elevation of the weather observation station was 6,184 feet msl. The routine aviation weather report (METAR) for COS, issued at 1654, reported, temperature minus 01 degrees Celsius (C); dewpoint, minus 05 degrees C. According to the carburetor icing probability chart conditions were conducive for "serious icing at glide power" and "serious icing at cruise power."
NTSB Probable Cause​loss of power due to carburetor icing. Contributing factors were weather conditions conducive to carburetor icing, unsuitable terrain available on which to make a forced landing and the tree.


That model has a stall speed of 50 knots, so he had to be going minimum of 60 mph. Sure seems minimal damage for 60 mph = one lucky fella!

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## phinds

Alan R McDaniel Jr said:


> I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of scruffy-bearded, young men shouting Anti-American slogans with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember George Floyd" slogan spray painted on the side was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "Defund the police." and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... that coulda been me!" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.


I think that's hilarious (and I see that many others here agree) but I posted it over on The Physics Forums and got a permanent infraction for a violent post. Bunch of wimps over there.

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## SENC

phinds said:


> I think that's hilarious (and I see that many others here agree) but I posted it over on The Physics Forums and got a permanent infraction for a violent post. Bunch of wimps over there.


Serves you right for hanging out on the Physics Forums!

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## Alan R McDaniel Jr

phinds said:


> I think that's hilarious (and I see that many others here agree) but I posted it over on The Physics Forums and got a permanent infraction for a violent post. Bunch of wimps over there.


In case they haven't noticed, the world is a violent place, always has been, probably always will be... 
Their head in the sand approach only leaves their butts hanging out....

Alan

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## DLJeffs

phinds said:


> I think that's hilarious (and I see that many others here agree) but I posted it over on The Physics Forums and got a permanent infraction for a violent post. Bunch of wimps over there.


A permanent infraction, huh? Do you get a specified number of infractions before getting 86'ed from the forum? Are there temporary infractions that only stay on your official forum record for a specified period of time? That implies they also have someone who keeps track of all those infractions. Obviously it would be unfair to have a single person authorized with that much power so they must have a committee of jury and judges who make those decisions, and that leads to also having an appeals procedure in which a forum member could object to and refute the assignation of an infraction. Then there also has to be another appointed group to oversee the entire thing to make sure it was being applied uniformly with total disregard for race, religion, sexual preference, pronoun selection, round or flat earth advocacy or chunky vs smooth. All that requires time and internet usage which isn't free so there must be a finance committee to monitor and allocate monies. Wait, does the government run the physics forum?

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## phinds

DLJeffs said:


> A permanent infraction, huh? Do you get a specified number of infractions before getting 86'ed from the forum? Are there temporary infractions that only stay on your official forum record for a specified period of time? That implies they also have someone who keeps track of all those infractions. Obviously it would be unfair to have a single person authorized with that much power so they must have a committee of jury and judges who make those decisions, and that leads to also having an appeals procedure in which a forum member could object to and refute the assignation of an infraction. Then there also has to be another appointed group to oversee the entire thing to make sure it was being applied uniformly with total disregard for race, religion, sexual preference, pronoun selection, round or flat earth advocacy or chunky vs smooth. All that requires time and internet usage which isn't free so there must be a finance committee to monitor and allocate monies. Wait, does the government run the physics forum?


The Physics Forums is without any question the best science forum on the Internet (in the English speaking world anyway). It is heavily moderated by a large number of highly knowledgeable volunteers, many of whom have PhD's and all of whom are expert in various fields of science. Most of them have an absolutely staggering amount of patience with people who don't understand one aspect of science or another, which is another reason why it is such a great forum.

The REASON that it is the best science forum is BECAUSE it is so heavily moderated. There is a LOT of nonsense in STEM discussions and that crap gets shut down very quickly on The Physics Forums, unlike many other science forums where crackpots are given free rein and discussions just turn into useless crap. Also, it's not a Q&A forum where you ask a question and get an answer. It's a teaching forum where you ask a question and get help on how to figure out the answer for yourself.

Politics and religion are strictly forbidden, as is insulting other members. I tend to be a bit loose w/ my tongue and don't suffer fools gladly. I just don't have the patience that the moderators do. This is hardly the first time that I have had a post pulled and I have, over the years, racked up 17 infraction points. Most of them die off after 1, 3, or 6 months and I only have the one currently active, but this is the first time I've ever gotten a permanent one. If you manage to get up to 10, you get a 10 day suspension from the forum. If you ever again get up to 10, you are permanently banned. I came a bit close once but learned to tone it down.

They can be a bit thin skinned at times, for my taste at least, but it is a terrific forum and I spend much more time there than I do here. Among other things, there is a great joke thread there and a lot of what I post here comes from there and I post a lot of stuff from here over to there. I sometimes refrain from posting over there some of the posts that are fine over here. This time I really thought the joke was hilarious and didn't stop to think how it would go over on PF. Careless of me, as I should know better by now.

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## Bigg081

phinds said:


> The Physics Forums is without any question the best science forum on the Internet (in the English speaking world anyway). It is heavily moderated by a large number of highly knowledgeable volunteers, many of whom have PhD's and all of whom are expert in various fields of science. Most of them have an absolutely staggering amount of patience with people who don't understand one aspect of science or another, which is another reason why it is such a great forum.
> 
> The REASON that it is the best science forum is BECAUSE it is so heavily moderated. There is a LOT of nonsense in STEM discussions and that crap gets shut down very quickly on The Physics Forums, unlike many other science forums where crackpots are given free rein and discussions just turn into useless crap. Also, it's not a Q&A forum where you ask a question and get an answer. It's a teaching forum where you ask a question and get help on how to figure out the answer for yourself.
> 
> Politics and religion are strictly forbidden, as is insulting other members. I tend to be a bit loose w/ my tongue and don't suffer fools gladly. I just don't have the patience that the moderators do. This is hardly the first time that I have had a post pulled and I have, over the years, racked up 17 infraction points. Most of them die off after 1, 3, or 6 months and I only have the one currently active, but this is the first time I've ever gotten a permanent one. If you manage to get up to 10, you get a 10 day suspension from the forum. If you ever again get up to 10, you are permanently banned. I came a bit close once but learned to tone it down.
> 
> They can be a bit thin skinned at times, for my taste at least, but it is a terrific forum and I spend much more time there than I do here. Among other things, there is a great joke thread there and a lot of what I post here comes from there and I post a lot of stuff from here over to there. I sometimes refrain from posting over there some of the posts that are fine over here. This time I really thought the joke was hilarious and didn't stop to think how it would go over on PF. Careless of me, as I should know better by now.


Paul, 
I don't personally know you, but from I have gathered on here (from your own post), you are a blunt man with a few years of experience under your belt....
With that said, saying you should 'know better' is not likely. You are beyond the years of really caring what anyone thinks and honestly I am jealous and definitely looking forward to getting to that point in life!  GIVE 'EM HELL!

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## phinds

Bigg081 said:


> Paul,
> I don't personally know you, but from I have gathered on here (from your own post), you are a blunt man with a few years of experience under your belt....
> With that said, saying you should 'know better' is not likely. You are beyond the years of really caring what anyone thinks and honestly I am jealous and definitely looking forward to getting to that point in life!  GIVE 'EM HELL!


Well, my kids (well into adulthood now) have been pressuring me for years (decades actually) to tone it down. As I said in my 13 questions response here, I'm a really annoying, arrogant, bastard some of the time but I'm working on toning it down to where I'm just a mildly annoying prick.

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## DLJeffs

I don't disagree at all with moderates helping to keep open forums under control. It's just kind of funny to me that telling that joke resulted in a permanent infraction. What's a 1 month infraction - writing 'their' instead of 'they're'?

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## phinds

DLJeffs said:


> I don't disagree at all with moderates helping to keep open forums under control. It's just kind of funny to me that telling that joke resulted in a permanent infraction. What's a 1 month infraction - writing 'their' instead of 'they're'?


Well, looked at a certain way, it WAS a mean-spirited post. Mean against people that as far as I am concerned DESERVE our being mean to them, but mean none-the-less and that's what banned, not jokes.


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## Mr. Peet

Would this have been acceptable?

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of scruffy-b********, young ******** shouting Anti-A******* slogans with a half-burned A******* Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember ********" slogan spray painted on the side was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "Defund the ******." and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... that coulda been me!" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

This way they can fill in the asterisks any way they want. And being on the side wanting to live might not be as bad....maybe if it was talking about Murphy's Law or the balance of Karma it would also go over. Just changing the word George to Pink might of been enough....

Still funny to me. Sorry you got slapped for being human.


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## phinds

The POINT of the joke is that it's OK to want to run a semi over people you don't like. It's irrelevant who those people are, it's the wanting to run them down that is at issue and that's why I got dinged. But I STILL think the joke is funny and I still think that anyone shouting anti-American slogans should be run over. But I'm just mean that way and mean doesn't go over well at the Physics Forums.

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1


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## SENC

phinds said:


> The POINT of the joke is that it's OK to want to run a semi over people you don't like. It's irrelevant who those people are, it's the wanting to run them down that is at issue and that's why I got dinged. But I STILL think the joke is funny and I still think that anyone shouting anti-American slogans should be run over. But I'm just mean that way and mean doesn't go over well at the Physics Forums.


This might be where we disagree - I don't think the point of the joke is that it is ok to want to run people over (you and I might agree that should be considered ). What makes it a joke is the humorous, unexpected (read clever) twist at the end. Instead of the general, everyday meaning of "could have been me", it went the opposite direction - that is what makes it funny. The physics humor equivalent might be dropping an apple only to see it head skyward (for some clever physics-breaking reason).

It is almost offensive to me how thin-skinned people have become that they can no longer find humor in such jokes only because they are "triggered" by a word or phrase within. I have very limited time for such humorless folks. Some of the funniest jokes I've heard have been contrary to my beliefs, and not a few at my personal expense. I fully understand and support a forum's desire to eliminate political or other controversial topics to preserve civility - but if you're going to have a jokes/humor section (how many of us grumpy types remain civil), you shouldn't moderate it the same way as a serious topic/belief section.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Great Post 3


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## phinds

SENC said:


> This might be where we disagree - I don't think the point of the joke is that it is ok to want to run people over (you and I might agree that should be considered ). What makes it a joke is the humorous, unexpected (read clever) twist at the end. Instead of the general, everyday meaning of "could have been me", it went the opposite direction - that is what makes it funny.


Yes, of course. I should have been clear that I agree that's why the joke is funny, but you're still missing that even though it IS funny (to us anyway) it's still mean-spirited to those getting run over. As I've said, they're a bit thin skinned over on PF. Reminds me of

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## Karl_TN



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## Mike Hill

Seriously, how scientific could that forum actually be? Lets see Isaac Newton was a Physicist wasn't he? Even my redneck mentality knows that. Didn't he figure out that there were some immutable laws of motion? The third one was - and I paraphrase - for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Appears to be opposite reactions to the same thing. - Very Physical to me! They are just not looking at it correctly.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds

Mike Hill said:


> Seriously, how scientific could that forum actually be? Lets see Isaac Newton was a Physicist wasn't he? Even my redneck mentality knows that. Didn't he figure out that there were some immutable laws of motion? The third one was - and I paraphrase - for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Appears to be opposite reactions to the same thing. - Very Physical to me! They are just not looking at it correctly.


Applying physics to sociological situations is generally not helpful.


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## Mike Hill

And Vice-Versa! Jes try'n to be funny. That is a whole other subject as it happens an awful lot, particularly of late - way past what we should be addressing here on a wood forum!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Hill

Ray and Fred, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."
The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said. "We need the height and she gave us the length!"
Ray and Fred are still working for the Government.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3 | Funny 5


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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Herb G.

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 229093



About time someone remembered this is the joke forum.
I don't know about anyone else, but all the discussions above should have taken place via PM's or something.

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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> Applying physics to sociological situations is generally not helpful.


Guess they don't support the Darwin Awards on the PF either?

That joke is kind of like that. It also supports the new green deal, decreasing vehicles on the road, reducing human population, reducing meat consumption, reducing carbon pollution, teaching others to follow rules set by government and so many more things....plus it includes so many laws of motion and fun math representing flat and curved motion of masses....

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## SENC

Not likely suitable for the physics forum and certain to upset yanks like @Mike1950 and @Brink, but you otherwise likely right at home here...

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## Mike1950

SENC said:


> Not likely suitable for the physics forum and certain to upset yanks like @Mike1950 and @Brink, but you otherwise likely right at home here...
> View attachment 229100


Grrrrr

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## Mr. Peet

SENC said:


> Not likely suitable for the physics forum and certain to upset yanks like @Mike1950 and @Brink, but you otherwise likely right at home here...
> View attachment 229100


Hell mann's, those be true dat....

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## 2feathers Creative Making

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 229098


As a feller who may have instructed musically inclined younguns, that is SOO true...


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## SENC

Mr. Peet said:


> Hell mann's, those be true dat....View attachment 229101


Unlike Miracle Whip, Hellman's is, at least, mayonnaise, even if an inferior one.









Why Southerners Have An Obsession With Duke's Mayonnaise


We tell you the story of Duke's mayonnaise and why Southerners are fiercely loyal to this rich, creamy mayo with a wisp of tang.




www.southernliving.com


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## phinds

I just read that having young children is exactly like living in a Frat house. Lots of noise and throwing up and nobody gets any sleep.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Wildthings

phinds said:


> I just read that having young children is exactly like living in a Frat house. Lots of noise and throwing up and nobody gets any sleep.


What's that got to do with mayonnaise?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## phinds

Wildthings said:


> What's that got to do with mayonnaise?


You ever give mayonnaise to a frat boy or a young kid?


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## Mike Hill

Grew up on Hellmann's (or cheap version of it - store brand - not sweet) - but retiring with Duke's

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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2 | Creative 1


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## Mike Hill



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## Herb G.

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 229109


That's not gravy in that thing....just something to ponder...

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## phinds

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 229108


Actually, I'm pretty sure that was intended as a description of Phoenix Arizona and somebody just changed it to Texas.

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## SENC



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## Alan R McDaniel Jr

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 229108



It's sure been like that lately, BUT, barely made it to 90 today and we've had almost 2" of rain in the last three days... It is a welcome reprieve.

Alan


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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## phinds

Too true:

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## Gdurfey

Mike Hill said:


> Ray and Fred, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
> A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
> "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."
> The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."
> She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
> She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.
> Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said. "We need the height and she gave us the length!"
> Ray and Fred are still working for the Government.


hey, that landed a little close to home................

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

Gdurfey said:


> hey, that landed a little close to home................


I have no fear - married to one and father to another!!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## SENC

Mike Hill said:


> I have no fear - married to one and father to another!!!!


Government workers?


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## Mike Hill

SENC said:


> Government workers?


Yup, one is a state employee and the other is contract with state. They both do the same at the same facility.

Reactions: Great Post 1


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## SENC

Mike Hill said:


> Yup, one is a state employee and the other is contract with state. They both do the same at the same facility.


You are outnumbered and outgunned! Bet you've built up some mad ducking skills after telling gubment worker jokes!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

They usually tell them jokes first! Well, in between the times they talk about how dumb of a place they work at.

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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Arn213

phinds said:


> View attachment 229246


This about paint a factual picture when it comes to being “older when you start”, except that the reality is that when you get that “old” you don’t look as cool with a guitar strap on you! Then with a weight of a double neck, how long you think that old guy will be able to stand up playing that thing on a stage or in a concert? You heard about not being able to feel anything in the fingers when you get up there in age? How about arthritis trying to wrestle with a double neck guitar- what 6 more strings to play? How is your hearing going at that age? What did you say again?

PS- the reality is that they will now have “liquidity” to be able to afford nice looking guitar($) or they will buy a guitar($) that was familiar to them growing up or that guitar they “lusted” for in a page off a guitar/music magazine or seen on a music video or on an album cover when they were young and had no money. Don’t ask me how I know and I am speaking for a bunch of guitar friends ……

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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

A plane is on its way to toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to toronto and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to toronto and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll

Handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I'm sorry." And gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her, 'first class isn't going to toronto."

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## phinds

Arn213 said:


> This about paint a factual picture when it comes to being “older when you start”, except that the reality is that when you get that “old” you don’t look as cool with a guitar strap on you! Then with a weight of a double neck, how long you think that old guy will be able to stand up playing that thing on a stage or in a concert? You heard about not being able to feel anything in the fingers when you get up there in age? How about arthritis trying to wrestle with a double neck guitar- what 6 more strings to play? How is your hearing going at that age? What did you say again?
> 
> PS- the reality is that they will now have “liquidity” to be able to afford nice looking guitar($) or they will buy a guitar($) that was familiar to them growing up or that guitar they “lusted” for in a page off a guitar/music magazine or seen on a music video or on an album cover when they were young and had no money. Don’t ask me how I know and I am speaking for a bunch of guitar friends ……


Jeez, here you are bringing reason and logic to a joke thread. Lighten up


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## phinds

Isac Newton's real first law (*law of inertia*):
"A man at rest will tend to remain at rest until his wife comes home and finds something for him to do"

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## Arn213

phinds said:


> Jeez, here you are bringing reason and logic to a joke thread. Lighten up


Mr. Vai “kept his cool” as you can see he was tempted with the right hand trying to assess whether he should “flick” you with one or not……….






……..and Johnny is going to be Johnny…….

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## phinds



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## Trob115

Since we are sharing Indian hills.

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## Mike Hill

Water moccasin!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 8


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## Nubsnstubs

​Great mental exercise for the over-60 or younger crowd. Which of the following names are you familiar with?


> 1. Monica Lewinsky
> 
> 2. Spiro Agnew
> 
> 3. Benito Mussolini
> 
> 4. Adolf Hitler
> 
> 5. Jorge Bergoglio
> 
> 6. Alfonse Capone
> 
> 7. Vladimir Putin
> 
> 8. Linda Lovelace
> 
> 9. Saddam Hussein
> 10. Tiger Woods
> 
> 11. Hilary Clinton
> 
> 12. Nancy Pelosi
> 
> 
> You had trouble with #5, didn't you?
> 
> You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts, and cheaters,
> But you don't know the Pope??
> Lovely, just lovely!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...

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## phinds



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## Mike Hill



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## phinds



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## DLJeffs

So, Timmy, what have we learned from all this ...

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## phinds

The longest drum solo ever performed was 10 hours and 26 minutes and was done by the kid sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo.

Reactions: Funny 11 | Informative 1


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## Brink

I was going to retire from flashing.
I think I’ll stick it out for another year.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Herb G.

The other day, a lifeguard yelled at me to stop peeing in the pool.
He scared me so bad, I almost fell in.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## SENC

Brink said:


> I was going to retire from flashing.
> I think I’ll stick it out for another year.


your tail?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Brink

SENC said:


> your tail?


I’ll show you later

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## phinds

My kind of people:

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## phinds



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## SENC

phinds said:


> View attachment 229485


If only that was the real punishment!


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## Mike Hill

Caption Contest


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

I asked my wife for a swimming pool, and this is what she said I could have!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

he pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a
terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said,
"Hi, I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Nature Man

Mike Hill said:


> Caption Contest
> 
> View attachment 229540


Early version of the Can Can...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## trc65

Mike Hill said:


> Caption Contest
> 
> View attachment 229540




One Bourbon, one Scotch , and one... Wait a minute, how many beers did I just drink?!!!

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## SENC

Mike Hill said:


> Caption Contest
> 
> View attachment 229540


A night at the hopera

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## SENC

Mike Hill said:


> Caption Contest
> 
> View attachment 229540


Pot top pops

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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> Caption Contest
> 
> View attachment 229540


"The 32 Pack Wide-Mouth Choir"

Aluminum-ating wherever they go filling one with joy several ounces at a time with a crisp refreshing feeling of accomplishment. Hop in line and reserve your spot to tap into life. Barley can wait, frothing at the mouth just thinking of the chance to drink up the golden crisp chance to listen...act now.

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 1


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## DLJeffs

Yup, just like this ...

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## phinds



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies", and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".
Well here is the low down on the whole thing.
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper' em. When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!
Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Lot of truth that

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Herb G.

You guys might like this.
Linky

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike1950



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## Mike Hill

Hmmmm - seems safer!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## SENC

Mike1950 said:


> View attachment 229587


Tempted to report this post just for the visual it forces upon us.

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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## phinds



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## 2feathers Creative Making

Me


2feathers Creative Making said:


> I am a sawyer with literally dump truck loads of wood to mill. It is why I am on a buying moratorium as per swmbo. It keeps my beans rock free and she don't "accidently" run the wash machine when I am showering and a few other little pleasures in life that a man might take for granted unless he bought some more wood...


Also me

HONEY, look what I found, it's FREE


This wouldn't be so funny if both of these didn't happen the same day.

Ps. that picture is in my driveway.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1 | +Karma 1


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## ripjack13

Mike Hill said:


> Caption Contest
> 
> View attachment 229540


Galileo, Galileo,
Galileo, Galileo,
Galileo Figaro – magnificooooooo

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## phinds

I actually had to stop and think about this one for a moment.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

It Lil MIkey overnight!


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## Nubsnstubs

................ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## phinds

Jerry, I just posted that one yesterday (see the top of this page). Try to keep up here

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

phinds said:


> Jerry, I just posted that one yesterday (see the top of this page). Try to keep up here


OOps, please delete this. I got carried away when I copied and pasted it. Didn't look at who some of the recipients were... Again, if you can, please delete it........ Jerry (in Tucson)


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## Greenacres2

Nubsnstubs said:


> OOps, please delete this. I got carried away when I copied and pasted it. Didn't look at who some of the recipients were... Again, if you can, please delete it........ Jerry (in Tucson)


I see no need to delete—I was plenty amused by trying to remember where I’d seen that before. Good to know it was here, I hate it when I cheat on myself!!

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 2


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## phinds

Nubsnstubs said:


> OOps, please delete this. I got carried away when I copied and pasted it. Didn't look at who some of the recipients were... Again, if you can, please delete it........ Jerry (in Tucson)


I agree w/ Earl. No need to delete it. It was funny enough to post twice. I was just ribbing you for not paying attention. 

This is hardly the first time we've had a duplicate in this thread. With over 10,000 posts, it's hard to remember where you saw something.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Nature Man



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## GlynnC

Maybe - but I seem to remember them saying it was in the snow, barefoot, and uphill both ways.....

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## Mike Hill

GlynnC said:


> Maybe - but I seem to remember them saying it was in the snow, barefoot, and uphill both ways.....


And I do now realize, that that wasn't entirely true - their walking was in Central Texas and there was no snow, and there wasn't much uphill - but the barefoot coulda happened as long as they didn't walk on asphalt - that gets might hot in Texas! I guess they could bring in cactus and rattlesnakes though!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## phinds

GlynnC said:


> Maybe - but I seem to remember them saying it was in the snow, barefoot, and uphill both ways.....


AND carrying our sister on our backs, plus both our school books, and it was five miles getting there and ten miles getting back.

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## eaglea1

And us kids only had one pair of shoes that were size 7, and we shoved our feet in them till they were bloody stumps
and then walked to school.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds

eaglea1 said:


> And us kids only had one pair of shoes that were size 7, and we shoved our feet in them till they were bloody stumps
> and then walked to school.


Jeez, you had SHOES. Lucky guy.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

When opening a can of carnation evaporated milk for your recipes just smile and think of this:
A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family’s dairy farm since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation…
So when canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with “Carnation milk is best of all ....”
She said to herself “ I know all about milking cows and dairy farms… I can do this!”
She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house… A man got out and said, “Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we WILL NOT Be able to use it...
Here is her entry











Carnation Milk
Is best of all, No t*ts to pull ,
No hay to haul,
No buckets to wash,
No sh*t to pitch ,
Just poke a hole
In the Son-********

Reactions: Funny 13 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

This would have happened to me last night if we had had pizza - jes say'n!

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Congress came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Congress
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Congress lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Reactions: Agree 5 | Great Post 2 | Funny 4


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## Nature Man



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## phinds

Wi-fi went down for five minutes this afternoon so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## phinds

Early bureaucrat

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## Tom Smart



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## SENC

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 229745


I wish you'd have posted that 25 years or so ago!

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## Tom Smart

SENC said:


> I wish you'd have posted that 25 years or so ago!


Yeah, we’ve all had to learn the hard way. You should see my wine cellar!

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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 8 | Way Cool 1 | Informative 1


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## Mike1950

Truth

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## phinds

I can relate to this:

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## phinds

Wife: Do you think I've gotten fat during quarantine?
Husband: You weren't really skinny to start with.
Death Certificate: cause Covid.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## phinds



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## phinds

So THIS is how they do it !

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## Nature Man



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## SENC

Pretty sure this is already buried among these pages, but too true not to repost if it is.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 1 | Informative 1


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## Mike Hill

One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says," Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing"?
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious"?)
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you up a ticket."
"For reading a book"? she replies.
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.
"But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 9 | Informative 1


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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal;
-Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.
Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles.
With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced;
-We have a brave winner.
After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said;
-I didn't jump, someone pushed me!
His wife smiled ...
Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## DLJeffs

Saw these today ...

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8


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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## phinds



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## phinds

So there was this flasher, getting older, slowing down, worrying more about getting caught. He started thinking about retirement but his final decision was that he would stick it out for a few more years.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Herb G.

phinds said:


> So there was this flasher, getting older, slowing down, worrying more about getting caught. He started thinking about retirement but his final decision was that he would stick it out for a few more years.





A Joke a Day Keeps The Boredom Away . . .

Reactions: Informative 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Bigg081

phinds said:


> View attachment 230079


If it wasn’t for Gwen Stefani I probably couldn’t!!!


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

Carolyn, a very rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sports car.
She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't go at all. After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealer. They send out a technician to her.
The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks: "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger, the blonde replies: "You nut, you idiot, how on earth you could ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears. I use "D" during the day and "N" at night."

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## SENC



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## Mike Hill

The moderators????

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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

Mine is easy! H H H

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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

Ok, all you need is a steel geetar and some downhome southern charm!

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## Mike Hill



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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5 | Creative 1


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## trc65

Mike Hill said:


> Mine is easy! H H H
> 
> 
> View attachment 230095


T O


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## Wildthings

trc65 said:


> T O


B Bu


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## Mike1950

Mike Hill said:


> Mine is easy! H H H
> 
> 
> View attachment 230095


- tod


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## T. Ben

T O


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## Greenacres2

All I get is OBT, and that’s from my middle name. First and last are obliterated!!
Earl


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## phinds

Mike Hill said:


> Mine is easy! H H H
> 
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 230108


What's the point?


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## 2feathers Creative Making

phinds said:


> What's the point?


Did you not get memo? There is no point to most jokes. I reckon the joke is on whoever sits here long enough to do the math, or whatever this is...

Reactions: Agree 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Greenacres2

John Daly, the PGA's incarnation of Al Czervik!! (bonus points for recognizing the reference!!)
earl

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## SENC

Greenacres2 said:


> John Daly, the PGA's incarnation of Al Czervik!! (bonus points for recognizing the reference!!)
> earl


No respect!

Reactions: Like 1


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## DLJeffs

"Hey, Rocco, Bruno, show the judge where his wallet is."

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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

A sixteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder.
"Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers.
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she sold a Porsche to him for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently, she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."

Reactions: Funny 11


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 4 | Sincere 1


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## phinds



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## Tom Smart



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## Tom Smart



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## trc65



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## JonathanH

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 230229


That brings back memories from a church picnic in the park when I was in second grade. There was a slide just like this. Climbing up the wrong direction had just reached the high point of the hump when my very large friend came down with a vengeance, determined to knock me off,.. a variation of "King of the Mountain" if you recall. Just before we collided i jumped. The ground was hard requiring a visit to the local hospital for a broken wrist. The good old days!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## Tom Smart

How true! Only supplanted by social media.

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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

Lil Mikey and slingshots didn't get along - dunno why!

Reactions: Funny 8


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## DLJeffs

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 230240


Those candy cigarettes brought back memories. Back in the late 1950's, we'd go to my great grandparents house in Edgewater, CO. After doing family stuff and usually eating a chewy pot roast, my great grandpa, great uncle and sometimes other relatives would walk the four blocks into downtown Edgewater. We'd go to the Rexall Drug store on the corner and great grandpa would buy a pack of candy cigs. Then we'd stroll back up the street to the Edgewater Inn. Great grandpa and great uncle were fixtures in the place, had their usual bar stools, etc. My great uncle would make a production out of giving my brother and I a candy cig, lighting it with his lighter, and then telling us to go sit in a booth while he and great grandpa had a beer or two or three. I went back to the Edgewater Inn when I went to college, 1972, and asked if they knew a Bud Jeffries. The old Italian guy who ran the place said "sure, he sat right there", pointing to my great uncle's usual stool. It was cool because the Formica bar top had these worn black spots where patron's elbows had worn away the color pattern. My kind of bar. I sat down on that stool, told him who I was and got a free beer anytime I went in. Best pizza in Colorado too.

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 3 | Way Cool 5


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## Mike Hill



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## bhatleberg

I came here to tell a time traveling joke...but you all didn't like it.

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## phinds



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## phinds

Why did the Star Wars films come out in order of episodes 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?



Spoiler: why



Because in charge of planning Yoda was.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

View attachment 230292


----------



## Mike Hill

Actors with their Stunt Doubles

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## phinds

Mike Hill said:


> Actors with their Stunt Doubles
> 
> View attachment 230293


Coincidentally, I just read a short article about all the bones that Jackie Chan has broken over the years due to the fact that he does all his own stunts. It's a frightening list. Among other things he once broke his ankle and after being told he needed to stay completely off it for at least a week, he just painted the cast to look like a sock and then went right back and finished the movie.

He once jumped off the top of a 100 ft building to catch a rope hanging from a passing helicopter. He missed and fell to the ground. NO safety net or bounce pad. Broke numerous bones including a rib that punctured a lung. Guy is amazing.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3


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## Tom Smart

phinds said:


> Guy is amazing.


Guy is crazy.

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## phinds

Well, I sent this to my son and he had just happened to see a video recently that showed clearly that not only does Chan use stunt double but he as stated as much on many occasions. He has ALSO said, on late night talk shows, that he does all his own stunts. So there are two Chans ... the honest one and the one that promotes his career.

None of that detracts from the fact that he DOES do most of his own stunts and he HAS been severely injured multiple times.


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## Jonkou

It’s the rarely seen Eastern Hollow Belly, in the Crane family and only known to exist in the Great North Woods region of New England. Photo taken with an iPhone 12 in auto mode.

Reactions: Like 5 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## Mr. Peet

Jonkou said:


> It’s the rarely seen Eastern Hollow Belly, in the Crane family and only known to exist in the Great North Woods region of New England. Photo taken with an iPhone 12 in auto mode.
> 
> View attachment 230400


Lucky shot. Good thing it didn't gore you. They got beaks like steel snipps and bellys of iron. Their tails can spring at speeds beyond comprehension and knock your teeth right out.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Hill

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 11


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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

And don't forget the Babe at 714 using dirt!

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## phinds



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

Now, if you have never been to Atlanta, they you don't know what this about! And Nashville, wants to be like Atlanta - and we're approaching it quickly!

HOW TO DRIVE IN ATLANTA:
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, Atlana. Old-timers are still allowed to call it Alana.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on I-285 is 80 mph. On I-75 and I-85, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered 'Wussy'.
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Atlanta has its own version of traffic rules. For example, Ferraris and Lamborghinis owned by sports stars go first at a four-way stop. Cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go second. The trucks with the biggest tires go third. The HOV lanes are really designed just for the slow Floridians passing through who are used to hogging the left lane everywhere.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light or stop sign, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. Unless there is a police car nearby.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting. Generally, city roads other than the main streets have more potholes and bumps (usually speed bumps) than most dirt roads in the countryside.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, ladders, possums, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, furniture, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, and crows.
9. Be aware that spelling of street names may change from block to block, e.g., Clairmont, Claremont, Clairmonte.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated”.
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 75 in a 55-65 mph zone, k, e.g., you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
MOST IMPORTANT: If you get LOST, Look for a road named PEACHTREE... Then you are somewhere in Atlanta.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 2 | Informative 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mike Hill

For when I retire - A good plan

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## phinds



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen!

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## DLJeffs

More poignant than funny ...

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6 | Funny 1 | Informative 1


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## Jonkou

Cooler evenings are finally here and the Deer Flys are terrible this year.

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 5


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## JonathanH

Hard-nosed buggers!


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## Mr. Peet

Jonkou said:


> Cooler evenings are finally here and the Deer Flys are terrible this year.
> 
> View attachment 230489


Try using maple syrup, should make them go down easier.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Jonkou

Was told playing music to your plants makes them do better. Think I overdid it with the heavy metal, even the humming bird turned to steel.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



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## Mr. Peet

Jonkou said:


> Was told playing music to your plants makes them do better. Think I overdid it with the heavy metal, even the humming bird turned to steel.
> 
> View attachment 230495


Aaa, the American "spoon-bill" humming bird, nut common, coarse, that "holy washer" flower must be the draw....

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Jonkou

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 230496


Those must be cheap hecho in China tools. Would have only needed half as many if they bought a set of USA made Craftsman cuz they’re reversible.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## DLJeffs

But you need two sets ... one right handed, one left handed.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

I think I bought my Craftsman before there was a metric system! So what you are saying is that I'd have to buy 3 sets - a left hand imperial, a right hand AND a left hand in metric. Dunno - that takes money away from wood hoarding!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Nature Man

Mike Hill said:


> I think I bought my Craftsman before there was a metric system! So what you are saying is that I'd have to buy 3 sets - a left hand imperial, a right hand AND a left hand in metric. Dunno - that takes money away from wood hoarding!


What about the right hand imperial? Guess you already have that one! Chuck

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

I think so - I'll have to go check when I get home tonight!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds

Mike Hill said:


>


I REALLY hate that it took me at least 5 seconds to "get" this one. Sometimes I focus on the wrong things.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

But now y'all all got me to thinking - now I have to go check out my vise grips also. I also bought them before the metric system. 





Too much to think about! ---- too much ------ too much!!!!!

Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds

Correlation is often confused with causation. That is, two things seem to have the relationship of one causing the other when actually it's just a coincidence that they seem related. This can be particularly pernicious when misused in politics but it can also lead to silly beliefs by all of us.

I saw an article today that really takes the idea to an extreme and shows statistically obvious correlations in situations that clearly do not imply causation.

Some of them are hilarious, such as 

The strong correlation between the number of people who died by becoming tangled in their bed-sheets and per capita cheese consumption

The strong correlation between the number of letters in the winning word of the Scripps National Spelling Bee and the number of people killed by venomous spiders.

https://tylervigen.com/spurious-correlations

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

This is after watching someone (do not know what her personal pronoun is though) try yesterday at a restaurant!

Reactions: Funny 5 | Creative 1


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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 8


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## phinds




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## Mike Hill

Wouldn't it be funny if Popeye's Chicken was cooked in Olive Oil?

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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike1950

True

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike1950

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

Reactions: Funny 15


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 2 | Useful 1


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## Nature Man

SENC said:


>


That would not be a good experience! Very funny, though! Chuck


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## Mike Hill

*I think an old dude with a birthday today has this plastered on his bedroom ceiling above his bed so he can remember it when he forgets!!!*

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Gdurfey

Mike Hill said:


> *I think an old dude with a birthday today has this plastered on his bedroom ceiling above his bed so he can remember it when he forgets!!!*
> 
> 
> View attachment 230737


NOT funny.........at my age..........

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

Gdurfey said:


> NOT funny.........at my age..........


Is it your birthday also? You are closer to the left coast where he is than I am though.


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## DLJeffs

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Greenacres2

phinds said:


> View attachment 230747


Too close to true to be funny--unfortunately!! Wonder where a Farmer's Market fits in that equation????


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## Mike Hill

Is this what eventually happens to old wood hoarders?

Hardwood Existentialism at the core!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Gdurfey

Mike Hill said:


> Is this what eventually happens to old wood hoarders?
> 
> Hardwood Existentialism at the core!
> 
> View attachment 230751


that's not funny either; that there is WISDOM!!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## phinds

American's version of metric conversion

Reactions: Funny 3


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## phinds

*Nutritious Eating*

According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows.

In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.

I now have a whole new outlook on life.

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Nubsnstubs

................... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

................... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## Nubsnstubs

.................. Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

................... Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

Jerry (in Tucson)

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## Nubsnstubs

............... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Nubsnstubs

> *A wealthy husband and his wife were having dinner at an
> upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
> The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was*
> *that?"
> "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress.”
> "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
> "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMWs in the garage and no more yacht clubs. But the decision is yours."
> Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a
> gorgeous babe on his arm."Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife.
> 
> "That's his mistress," says her husband.
> "Ours is prettier," she replies.*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...

* ................ Jerry (in Tucson)*

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

OLD JOKE FRIDAY:
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!!!'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking and tear filled voice, the Abbot screams: "The word was... the word was... CELEBRATE!!!"

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9 | Way Cool 1


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## Jonkou

New meaning for “Dirty Birds”. Just confirmed with my Sister in law who is the President of the Audubon Society of Connecticut, translation in bird talk… poop here.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Greenacres2

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 230797


Nothing accurate about that pie chart in my house—the”pie I have eaten “ part would be about 100%.

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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 9


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## phinds



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## Mike1950

An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "no,... I never did dance... Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector -- not wanting to get her toe blown off --started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "son, have you ever kissed a mule's butt.”
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "no m'am... But I've always wanted to.
There are five lessons here for all of us:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

Reactions: Funny 12


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## Nubsnstubs

.......... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 7


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## trc65



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## phinds



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## Nature Man



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## Mike Hill

Three sons left home, said goodbye to their dear single mother, went out on their own and prospered. Then one day, revisiting together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother on her birthday. They all loved her dearly, and each wanted more than anything to give her something she'd truly love.
The first said, "I built a mansion for our mother. 26 rooms and a huge back yard filled with trees and flowers. A house that is fit for royalty, and will give her all the space she never had."
The second said, "Well I bought her a luxury car, and not just for her to drive, no. It comes with a private driver that'll take her anywhere she wants to go. She'll never need to drive again, and he can help her carry heavy things back to the house."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took the Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
The three agreed that all gifts were well thought out, and were sure their mother would be amazed and delighted.
Soon thereafter, their dear mother sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote the first son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to the second son, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the car my dear. And I must say the driver is quite rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you were the only one to have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. That chicken was delicious!"

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## phinds



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## Mike Hill



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## Herb G.

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 230959


An abomination before the Lord.


Know that.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## phinds

Q: Where does a king keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies

Yeah, I know ... we need a section for lame jokes.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> Q: Where does a king keep his armies?
> A: In his sleevies
> 
> Yeah, I know ... we need a section for lame jokes.


Whoa...when did Dad jokes become lame?

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

Wife: I notice the new couple across the street. Every morning before he goes to work he gives her a big kiss. “Why don’t you do that?
Husband: Well for one thing I’m retired and I don’t go to work and the other thing is I don’t even know the woman.

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Hill

The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing, replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent said, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskeys, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth" said the old man.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6 | Informative 1 | Creative 1


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## Mike Hill

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground." "The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

This is too me that it is almost too painful to post. Dang - truth hurts!!

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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Gdurfey

Mike Hill said:


> Wife: I notice the new couple across the street. Every morning before he goes to work he gives her a big kiss. “Why don’t you do that?
> Husband: Well for one thing I’m retired and I don’t go to work and the other thing is I don’t even know the woman.


……and the fight starts……

Reactions: Agree 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3 | Informative 1


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## phinds



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

Air used to be free at the gas station, now its $1.50. You know why??

_Rim shot needed about now!_


Inflation.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## SENC

Mike Hill said:


> Air used to be free at the gas station, now its $1.50. You know why??
> 
> _Rim shot needed about now!_
> 
> 
> Inflation.











Drum Joke GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY


Discover & share this Drum Joke GIF with everyone you know. GIPHY is how you search, share, discover, and create GIFs.




giphy.com

Reactions: Funny 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## 2feathers Creative Making

phinds said:


> View attachment 231183


Let 'er ride!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Wildthings

2feathers Creative Making said:


> Let 'er ride!


YEP


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## Mike Hill

*What Happened?*

Reactions: Funny 1


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## JR Parks

He only got better!!!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Creative 1


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## scootac

Mike Hill said:


> *What Happened?*
> 
> View attachment 231261


Willie?

Reactions: Agree 1


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## T. Ben

Try this……….


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## Eric Rorabaugh

scootac said:


> Willie?


Mary Jane happened

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## DLJeffs

I never knew they made turtle necks with long sleeves fit for cuff links.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



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## Greenacres2

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 231264


@Mike Hill ...that there is living on the edge!!

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## Mike Hill

DLJeffs said:


> I never knew they made turtle necks with long sleeves fit for cuff links.


Apparently Nashville in the 60's! Maybe there was an uprising against the suits Nudie was doing for Porter Wagoner!

Well, there was also Manuel and Tony, among others- but we don';t talk about Tony anymore.


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Nubsnstubs

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 231313


It took awhile, but I finally got it. ........ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

Do I want one? I'm constipated about it!

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Herb G.

Nubsnstubs said:


> It took awhile, but I finally got it. ........ Jerry (in Tucson)


+1. Ha!


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## Mike Hill

Most people are at the age where they are using their phones to document the good times in their lives and share it with the world.
I am at the age where I use my phone to take pictures of labels that I can't read and use my phone to enlarge the print so that I can read it.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 13 | Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

*He who controls the Pumpkin Spice controls the universe. *

*

*

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

The store Lil Mikey has been looking for his entire life. And I can get it curbside!

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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## phinds



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## phinds



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## Mike Hill



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## Nature Man

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 231361


Funny, but perhaps too close to reality…

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## Mike Hill

Uhhhh!!!!

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## phinds



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## eaglea1

Mike Hill said:


> Uhhhh!!!!
> 
> View attachment 231376


As an electrician , this strikes close to home, funny as it may be, it's a real thing I've witnessed TOO MANY times along with 
pennies behind screw in fuses, copper pipes in buss bars etc... People don't realize that when they do this, they lose every bit 
of their wire protection. The wires in the system will melt and burn out.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## SENC

eaglea1 said:


> As an electrician , this strikes close to home, funny as it may be, it's a real thing I've witnessed TOO MANY times along with
> pennies behind screw in fuses, copper pipes in buss bars etc... People don't realize that when they do this, they lose every bit
> of their wire protection. The wires in the system will melt and burn out.


At least they used different sizes to match the Amp needs!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Gdurfey

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 231385


I just want to drive behind this guy, at a safe distance, on a very hot day and just wait and see if they go at the same time or if it is a chain reaction.......

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## lonewolf

Psst want to buy some turning blanks.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

how do you get a farm girl to marry you?


A tractor.

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## Mike Hill



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## phinds



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## GlynnC

Mike Hill said:


> how do you get a farm girl to marry you?
> 
> 
> A tractor.


Yep! But if you want a classy farm girl - it should be a Green tractor - with a cab!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Mike Hill

GlynnC said:


> Yep! But if you want a classy farm girl - it should be a Green tractor - with a cab!


Is there any other kind?


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## scootac

Mike Hill said:


> Is there any other kind?


Farmall for the win!

Reactions: Like 1


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## trc65

Fiesta Friday!

Reactions: Funny 9 | Way Cool 1


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## GlynnC

Mike Hill said:


> Is there any other kind?


I grew up on Massey Ferguson (Red) and Allison Chalmers (orange). We had Green envy

Reactions: Like 1


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## JonathanH

Ford Blue is where its at!


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## scootac

GlynnC said:


> I grew up on Massey Ferguson (Red) and Allison Chalmers (orange).


Sorry to hear.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> Is there any other kind?


Oliver desires say yes...

Reactions: Like 1 | Way Cool 1


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## SENC

So many here have led sad, deprived lives. Even in the oddest of places, like a jokes thread, we can see just how blessed our lives have been, at least those of us who have owned green tractors. I'll be praying that the rest of you get your chance to be similarly blessed one day.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## DLJeffs

My uncle had International red.


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## Nature Man

I’m a wanna be green guy! I do have a JD riding lawn mower. Chuck

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

Girl I almost married - she did not want to move to Tennessee - the nerve of her! Her dad had all red, but all her brothers (5) had monster 4-wheel drive green! All I had was a Silver Buick- a.k.a. The Buffalo Chip Mobile!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## ripjack13

SENC said:


> So many here have led sad, deprived lives. Even in the oddest of places, like a jokes thread, we can see just how blessed our lives have been, at least those of us who have owned green tractors. I'll be praying that the rest of you get your chance to be similarly blessed one day.


Yay for me!!!

Reactions: Like 5


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## Mr. Peet

ripjack13 said:


> Yay for me!!!
> 
> View attachment 231460


That's a nice MTD. I think they meant the green made by, not made for...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish! *Swish!* The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"
The Jewish samurai, Yoku Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoosh!* flourished his sword mightily, but the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that?? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead," replied Cohen in contempt. "Dead is easy. Now circumcision, that takes real skill."

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Gdurfey

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 231521


Never understood folks comments, I rode a short bus...........

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Herb G.

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 231521


I knew a guy who took a full size bus & turned it into a dump truck. That was pretty cool.

Reactions: Way Cool 2


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## Sprung

Here in the Midwest, I've seen a small number of bus conversions for farm use. Most of them that I've seen decided that manure spreader was the way to go.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill

I had this brilliant idea, then I realized, Lil Mikey don't got no mortgage! Maybe I can be of service to others and give them the idea!!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill

_*How Vegans are made!*_

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

Who gets to do my 10,000th reaction. Step right up!!!

Reactions: +Karma 1 | Informative 1


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## Nature Man

Mike Hill said:


> Who gets to do my 10,000th reaction. Step right up!!!


Guess I missed that one! Chuck


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13

Forgive me father for I had laughed.

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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4 | Creative 1


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## ripjack13



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



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## phinds

Is there a doctor in the house?
I'm a doctor.
What's your specialty?
I'm a Doctor of Mathematics.
Well, crap. My friend here is dying.
Ah, well, that'll be minus one.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## phinds

When a man says he'd do anything for a woman, he means he'd stop bullets and kill dragons, not change the sheets and and wash the dishes.

Reactions: Agree 4 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## phinds

Took me a beat or two to get this one:

"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist.

"I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. You can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact, I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke? You call that a breakfast?"

Reactions: Funny 3


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## phinds



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## Mike Hill



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## Herb G.

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 231612


Or Harvest Gold, or Sunrise Yellow, or Coppertone.

Reactions: Agree 5


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## scootac

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 231612


Oh yeah!
I'm betting they're on the cusp of making a comeback!!!
:-)

Reactions: +Karma 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

scootac said:


> Oh yeah!
> I'm betting they're on the cusp of making a comeback!!!
> :-)


Say that ain't so ------ Say that ain't so!!!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## scootac

Mike Hill said:


> Say that ain't so ------ Say that ain't so!!!


It is!!!
HGTV will say it's the 'in' color and the younguns will fall for it.
Lowes/Home Depot will send HGTV huge kickbacks!

Mark my word!!!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Schroedc

scootac said:


> It is!!!
> HGTV will say it's the 'in' color and the younguns will fall for it.
> Lowes/Home Depot will send HGTV huge kickbacks!
> 
> Mark my word!!!!



All my vintage Pyrex patterns will be back in fashion!!!!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13

Go home sirriusxm....you're drunk...

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## ripjack13



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## ripjack13



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## Mike Hill

Schroedc said:


> All my vintage Pyrex patterns will be back in fashion!!!!


They already are! Somewhat collectible around here. Guess we have so many young'ns moving in from the blue states, that they probably have never seen it!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## bhatleberg

Found in the wild...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

Lume commercial I just saw = T.M.I.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Herb G.

"Spots on the Wall" by Who Flung Dung.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Greenacres2

"Beneath the Bleachers" by Seymour Butz

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Herb G.

Too many to list here, so check out the link. 





Books never written


Funny titles of books that were never written (with good reason).




dan.hersam.com

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mr. Peet

Herb G. said:


> "Spots on the Wall" by Who Flung Dung.


Crap on the Wall by Hoo Flung Poo
Red River by Cotex Kid
Mini Shirts, by Seymour Hare
Growing Nation of China by Wi Fu***m Young
Lost Children by Happy Pairent'
Gynecology by Hans Cinderhol
The Blast of Fishing by Dino Meight
The Flat Tire by Anita Ayre

Are just few that came to mind that I didn't see on the list, but may have Ben.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Herb G.

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 231684


I saw a truck like that once with a bumper sticker on it that said "your $hit is our bread & butter".

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 8


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## phinds



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## phinds



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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 4 | Informative 1


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## Mike1950

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired Cowboy in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous young woman in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The woman says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired Cowboy and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old Cowboy replies, "You bet. Just get that lion out of there."

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 7


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## SENC

Breaking news:






Conspiracy theorists have become concerned that Peruvian owls hunt in pairs because...

they’re Inca hoots.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Schroedc



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Mike Hill



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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4 | Informative 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6 | Creative 1


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## phinds



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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 231767


They should of at least held the mount on an angle a bit back to make it look more real...


----------



## phinds



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5 | Informative 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## 2feathers Creative Making

Guilty. (And an electrician type) oh, sorry. Didn't mean to repeat myself.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mr. Peet

2feathers Creative Making said:


> Guilty. (And an electrician type) oh, sorry. Didn't mean to repeat myself.


I see the force is strong with you.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 11


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## scootac

phinds said:


> View attachment 231802


I like the thought. 
But.....has to be photoshopped.
No way in the world would that many dogs sit still in a line!!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13

Last night NASA crashed a spacecraft into asteroid Dimorphous: here's the footage of it....

Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 8 | Funny 2


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## phinds

scootac said:


> I like the thought.
> But.....has to be photoshopped.
> No way in the world would that many dogs sit still in a line!!!


Sure there is. This is obedience school

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> Sure there is. This is obedience school


Obedience opee-di-stance....whatever.


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13



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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## Bigg081

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 231858


I am not a parent but I have had this yelled at me a few times in my youth. LOL

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Nubsnstubs

............ Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## SENC



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## Mike Hill

Nubsnstubs said:


> View attachment 231882
> 
> ............ Jerry (in Tucson)


Is there such a thing as being too truthful? Plus where do I send my spew cleaning bill for cleaning up my monitor!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

When you're at the top of a ladder

Never step back to admire your work!

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Mike Hill

All he did was to stop by Whole Paycheck to buy some truffled cheese. On the way to pay, he heard this little voice woefully calling out to him. With 100% altruistic motives - he followed the voices to see how he could help. All of a sudden the voices stopped and he was in front of a counter and could not find out where the gelato sirens went to. But Lil Mikey did not have any ability to resist! The rest is cold, creamy, dreamy, milk chocolatey history!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Hill

Well, the Pretty Weather Lady said to dress for the '70's today. @Mike1950 was overjoyed!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## trc65



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 5


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## Wildthings

Mike Hill said:


> Well, the Pretty Weather Lady said to dress for the '70's today. @Mike1950 was overjoyed!
> 
> View attachment 231907


Ahhhh those were great times! Where's my Leisure suits at

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

Wildthings said:


> Ahhhh those were great times! Where's my Leisure suits at


Those were the days when one was proud to show off chest hair!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## GlynnC

I remember having a custom fitted pair of platform shoes made while I was stationed at U-Tapao airbase Thailand. The shoe maker drew a chalk line around your foot onto a piece of cardboard - and amazingly the finished shoes fit - and were cheap!

Reactions: Like 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 7


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## trc65



Reactions: Funny 6


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## trc65



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## Mr. Peet

SENC said:


> View attachment 232008


Is the picture from England? See the kids don't wear pants either.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Hill

I's knows that some of them thar young'ns may not understand that leftmost pedal but....

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 11


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 5


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## DWasson



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid..
Husband: Well you do remember, don't you?
When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said: "Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here." So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

Somebody suggested adding manure to my strawberries. Not doing that again. I’m going back to whipped cream.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE, TOO
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud
Pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the
Door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,
Is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3:00 in the morning, and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
About three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself...
God loves drunk people, too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill

A wild eyed old woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown
Washington, DC waving an un-holstered pistol and yelled out,
"I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber. I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband?"
A female voice from the back of the room called out,
"You're Gonna Need More Ammo, Hillary!"

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

Me being the happy jack___.......err......burro that I am!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 232109


Is that even humanly possible?


----------



## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 4


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 6


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## SENC

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 232123


There is a 3rd option...

Reactions: Like 2 | EyeCandy! 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill

SENC said:


> There is a 3rd option...
> View attachment 232124


Do you have plans? Need one!!!! or two! Maybe one for squirrels and one for chipmunk.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1


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## scootac

Mike Hill said:


> Do you have plans? Need one!!!! or two! Maybe one for squirrels and one for chipmunk.


When they find out much fun the ride is.....they'll be lined up around the block waiting a turn!!!

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4 | Creative 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 4 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## scootac

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 232134


Yep, back when a 10 year old could buy glue!

Reactions: Like 1 | EyeCandy! 1 | Agree 3


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## Nature Man

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 232134


Must be a model car!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## DLJeffs

Revell.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1


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## phinds

Mike Hill said:


>


Why only a few? I'd think any guy old enough to have ever built a plastic model <anything> would recognize it instantly.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Greenacres2

phinds said:


> Why only a few? I'd think any guy old enough to have ever built a plastic model <anything> would recognize it instantly.


Shoot, i'll show that to my 9 year old grandson tonight--he'll get it. He and my son are working on an aircraft carrier now.

Reactions: Like 2 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 6 | Sincere 1


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## Eric Rorabaugh

I could see an assault coming after that one!!!

Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 1


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## phinds

She is definitely going to hit you with that.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Nubsnstubs

phinds said:


> She is definitely going to hit you with that.


he knew it is coming one of these days, so he decided he didn't want to get hit with a dirty pan. He just closed the gap a little by what he said. ........... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5 | Informative 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 6


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 7


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Agree 2


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## Nubsnstubs

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 232180


I looked at that map, and then wondered why there was that little eastward step in the Texas/New Mexico stateline. Went to Google Earth to get the distance which is 2.17 miles. Why did they not just continue the T/NM state line straight up to Colorado? rather than have that offset? ............... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1


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## Eric Rorabaugh

How did you figure 2.17 miles? I ciphered like 34.4 miles


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## Nubsnstubs

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> How did you figure 2.17 miles? I ciphered like 34.4 miles


Eric, your measurement is North to South which I also got 34.5 miles. My measurement is east west at 2.17 miles. ............... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1


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## DLJeffs

A couple years ago there was a short series shown on public broadcasting or maybe it was the Discovery channel, but it was about state borders and how they came to be. Most of it was interesting. Nearly every border has reasons it is the way it is. The reasons may not be applicable today, but at the time they had an impact.


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## SENC

Nubsnstubs said:


> I looked at that map, and then wondered why there was that little eastward step in the Texas/New Mexico stateline. Went to Google Earth to get the distance which is 2.17 miles. Why did they not just continue the T/NM state line straight up to Colorado? rather than have that offset? ............... Jerry (in Tucson)











How A Bad Survey And Powerful Connections Added 1,000 Square Miles To Texas’ Lands


You can never underestimate the value of a good friendship forged early in life. If not for such a friendship, Texas would be nearly 1,000 square miles smaller. Before I get to the friendship, come with me up to the northwest corner of the panhandle where Texas meets Oklahoma and New Mexico. If...




www.texasstandard.org

Reactions: Like 2 | Way Cool 1


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## Wildthings

SENC said:


> How A Bad Survey And Powerful Connections Added 1,000 Square Miles To Texas’ Lands
> 
> 
> You can never underestimate the value of a good friendship forged early in life. If not for such a friendship, Texas would be nearly 1,000 square miles smaller. Before I get to the friendship, come with me up to the northwest corner of the panhandle where Texas meets Oklahoma and New Mexico. If...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.texasstandard.org


Great find Henry. I know that story well and have been to the exact corner grabbing geocaches back in 2012. There's also a geocache to the east at the Tri State intersection. Here's the triangulation station disk marker on the corner

Reactions: Like 4 | Way Cool 2 | Informative 2


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## ripjack13

What is going on here! ?

Reactions: Funny 10


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## SENC

ripjack13 said:


> What is going on here! ?View attachment 232281


You got something against woodworkers wearing pink shirts or something?

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

Might be something going on that I don't know about, but it sure seems like it's another case of a model/actor put in a position they know nothing about. Can't tell you how many times you see someone fishing in movies or TV and they are holding the reel upside down or they have absolutely no idea about fly casting.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4


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## JonathanH

They're showcasing the tool so that we get a nice, full view of it.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## 2feathers Creative Making

ripjack13 said:


> What is going on here! ?View attachment 232281


All the osha ppe with the guard off the blade. He may lose a finger,, (and with how he is posing that's rather likely), but he won't get dust in his eyes or lose any hearing.
I like it . Another fine example of Fakebook click bait with absolute disregard for common sense.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

ripjack13 said:


> What is going on here! ?View attachment 232281


Just did not think Woodsmith would put something like this out. So went searching. Is on their FB, but appears to be a scam on their FB and first found the photo off website for a residential remodeling companies in Spring, TX and a couple of others (no surprise there). Further search found it for sale on Adobe Stock Photo site by someone named whyframeshot and other stock photo places. Don't know if these stock agencies are the original or not, but it is in lots of places on the internet - here and overseas.

Reactions: Like 1 | Informative 1


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## Nubsnstubs

Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,

everyone calls him 'Father'."

​
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room

people call him 'Your Grace'."



The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room

everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." 



The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room

people call him 'Your Holiness'.” 

​
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a 

subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, I have a daughter, SLIM & TALL, 40" D Breasts,

24" WAIST and 34" HIPS 






_*When she walks into a room, people say,
“ JESUS"*_



Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 9


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 6


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 6 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## JonathanH

I don't hate them, but can't handle many.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## T. Ben

One of my favorites!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2


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## SENC



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## Nubsnstubs

.................... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

A woman and man got into a car accident. Both of their cars were badly damaged, but amazingly neither of them were hurt.
After they crawled out of the wreckage, the woman said: "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replied: "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman pointed to a bottle on the ground and said: "Here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of whisky from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asked: "Aren't you having any?"


The woman replied: "No. I think I'll just wait for the police - I'll let them decide whose fault it is."

Reactions: Funny 7 | Sincere 1 | Creative 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5 | Informative 2


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## Mike Hill

Coincidence????

Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 5 | Creative 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

Ripjack13 is awesome....

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill



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## ripjack13

SENC said:


> View attachment 232351





Nubsnstubs said:


> View attachment 232356
> 
> .................... Jerry (in Tucson)


When once isn't good enough....

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Nubsnstubs

ripjack13 said:


> When once isn't good enough....


Sorry about that. It's dementia setting in. I forgot this is where I got the picture from. ........... Jerry

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

Mike Hill said:


> Ripjack13 is awesome....


That made my day!!!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Hill

Who needs a Harry Potter wand when you gots BACON!!!!

Reactions: Like 5 | EyeCandy! 1 | Agree 1


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## Eric Rorabaugh

That might last me for the year

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> Who needs a Harry Potter wand when you gots BACON!!!!
> 
> 
> View attachment 232402


Potter lost another member, he was looking Hagrid.


----------



## SENC

It seems the US doesn't have an exclusive market on morons...








Just Stop Oil protesters throw tomato soup over Van Gogh's Sunflowers masterpiece


Two people were arrested for criminal damage and aggravated trespass, before officers began "de-bonding" their hands that they had glued to the wall.




news.sky.com


----------



## Mr. Peet

SENC said:


> It seems the US doesn't have an exclusive market on morons...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Just Stop Oil protesters throw tomato soup over Van Gogh's Sunflowers masterpiece
> 
> 
> Two people were arrested for criminal damage and aggravated trespass, before officers began "de-bonding" their hands that they had glued to the wall.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> news.sky.com


Now if they jail them as adults since they chose to take on adult issues, fed them the same type of soup they used for most meals, and let them work off all the damages they caused and associated expenses, that might help educate them and others. Additionally, to help support their oil based goal, take away all plastics, electronics, most of their clothing and most of the comforts of the jail cell so that they are not more offended. This would likely include the make-up they use and hair coloring as well.

Reactions: Agree 6


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## SENC

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,
"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 2


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## Sprung

One of the nice things about having ditched cable TV about a decade ago (and using a few streaming services for what we do watch) is the distinct lack of commercials. I've seen a lot of complaints, mentions, and comics about the Camp Lejeune commercials. And, well, I haven't had to watch a single Camp Lejeune commercial...

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Mr. Peet

Sprung said:


> One of the nice things about having ditched cable TV about a decade ago (and using a few streaming services for what we do watch) is the distinct lack of commercials. I've seen a lot of complaints, mentions, and comics about the Camp Lejeune commercials. And, well, I haven't had to watch a single Camp Lejeune commercial...


I think about all the folks I know that served there each time I see or hear one of the commercials. They are playing them on radio now as well. Been shutting off a lot of electronics lately.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13

Mike Hill said:


> That made my day!!!


Glad I could help....


----------



## phinds



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Wildthings

phinds said:


> View attachment 232531


OH bat guana!!!


----------



## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Nubsnstubs

Wildthings said:


> OH bat *guana*!!!


It's Guano. Don't know what guana is other than a feminine name. ............... Jerry (in Tucson)


----------



## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Wildthings

Nubsnstubs said:


> It's Guano. Don't know what guana is other than a feminine name. ............... Jerry (in Tucson)


I didn't write that, I wrote sh**it, and the system changed it to "bat guana"

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## ripjack13

Wildthings said:


> I didn't write that, I wrote sh**it, and the system changed it to "bat guana"


That would our founders (@Kevin) bad spelling. I'll have to look that up and change it. Lol

Reactions: Funny 1


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## bhatleberg

Two elderly farmers are discussing the good old days...

"On my father's spread, it took and hour and a half for our truck to get from the main house down to the road," one says.

"Ah," the other one says. "I had a truck like that myself, once..."

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Wildthings

ripjack13 said:


> That would our founders (@Kevin) bad spelling. I'll have to look that up and change it. Lol


Naw leave it like Kevin wrote it. LOL just like our Texas flag

Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

Since I learned that wood glue is stronger than the wood itself, I'm now slicing all my boards into thin strips and glueing them back together. This way, my creations will last centuries and be featured on the Antiques Roadshow.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## SENC

ripjack13 said:


> That would our founders (@Kevin) bad spelling. I'll have to look that up and change it. Lol


Don't do that - just one of Kev's Easter eggs for us to find every so often.

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 2


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## trc65

bat guana

Sorry, just checking.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Wildthings

trc65 said:


> bat guana
> 
> Sorry, just checking.


That's funny
See, what'd I tell you. There're others too

I have a small wee wee 
bat guana
bubba lips

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Bigdrowdy1

Wildthings said:


> That's funny
> See, what'd I tell you. There're others too
> 
> I have a small wee wee
> bat guana
> bubba lips


Sorry to hear @Wildthings but your awesome with your Taxidermy work.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## ripjack13

I like to keep a clean work area when drilling holes for brackets..

Reactions: Funny 8


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## trc65

ripjack13 said:


> I like to keep a clean work area when drilling holes for brackets..
> 
> View attachment 232563


Video please!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6 | Funny 1


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## trc65

Wildthings said:


> That's funny
> See, what'd I tell you. There're others too
> 
> I have a small wee wee
> bat guana
> bubba lips


If I get bored tonight, may have to go through the dictionary and see what I can find!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## SENC

Wildthings said:


> That's funny
> See, what'd I tell you. There're others too
> 
> I have a small wee wee
> bat guana
> bubba lips


That first one was when someone typed in "Don" (@Don Ratcliff ), right?

Reactions: Funny 4 | Informative 1 | Useful 1


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## ripjack13

OH SNAP!!!!


----------



## ripjack13

Wildthings said:


> That's funny
> See, what'd I tell you. There're others too
> 
> I have a small wee wee
> bat guana
> bubba lips


Wow....I know what words those used to be. 
I added a whole list a while ago. Lol

Reactions: Like 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## GlynnC



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

My wife sent me this in a text this morning...........Don't ask!!!!!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## ripjack13

So my niece is getting married, (again, #3) I missed the first 2...and she sent me a text....





I'm going to hell aren't I?

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## SENC

Yes, but having fun doing it!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Hill

*'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.*

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 7


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## scootac

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 232642


And teachers!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Nubsnstubs

Mike Hill said:


> *'OLD' IS WHEN...
> An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.*


I did that 2 nights ago. Was very happy when I finally got up..........Usually at least 3 times I have to get up, but I do drink at least 8 oz of water each time before getting back to bed as I dehydrate pretty fast and my body starts sweating if I don't get more water. Been drinking water like that now since at least "93. ............. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Sincere 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 2


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## phinds

Today I learned that Barilla is being sued for claiming that it's Italy's number one brand of pasta, even though it's actually made in Iowa. 

In other words, it's accused of being an impasta.

NOTE: this is actually not a joke: https://www.goodmorningamerica.com/...logan-italys-no1-brand-pasta-proceed-91787505

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Herb G.

phinds said:


> Today I learned that Barilla is being sued for claiming that it's Italy's number one brand of pasta, even though it's actually made in Iowa.
> 
> In other words, it's accused of being an impasta.
> 
> NOTE: this is actually not a joke: https://www.goodmorningamerica.com/...logan-italys-no1-brand-pasta-proceed-91787505


Where ever it's made, it's lousy pasta regardless.

Reactions: Informative 1


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## JonathanH

phinds said:


> Today I learned that Barilla is being sued for claiming that it's Italy's number one brand of pasta, even though it's actually made in Iowa.
> 
> In other words, it's accused of being an impasta.
> 
> NOTE: this is actually not a joke: https://www.goodmorningamerica.com/...logan-italys-no1-brand-pasta-proceed-91787505


That story, in itself, has more humor than many jokes! 

Well done!

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 11


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## Bigdrowdy1

@Mike Hill sent this to me should I forward it? Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first…

But then I think,
Since I’m going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Diet Coke I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Diet Coke aside
So that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Diet Coke is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the
Diet Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Diet Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to
watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
But I won’t remember that it’s on the
kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where
it belongs,
But first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn’t washed,
The bills aren’t paid,
There is a warm can of
Diet Coke sitting on the counter,
The flowers don’t have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
And I don’t remember what I did
with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why
nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I’ll try to get some help for it, but
first I’ll check my e-mail…

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don’t remember who I’ve sent it to.

Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet,
your day is coming!

…and tomorrow morning you discover that the hose is still running.

Reactions: Funny 10 | Informative 1 | Sincere 1


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## GlynnC

Been there, done that...I think....maybe not...wait, what were we talking about............

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Herb G.

GlynnC said:


> Been there, done that...I think....maybe not...wait, what were we talking about............


Do the bus stop here?


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## Mike Hill

Bigdrowdy1 said:


> @Mike Hill sent this to me should I forward it? Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
> 
> This is how it manifests:
> 
> I decide to water my garden.
> As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
> I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
> 
> As I start toward the garage,
> I notice mail on the porch table that
> I brought up from the mail box earlier.
> 
> I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
> 
> I lay my car keys on the table,
> Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
> And notice that the can is full.
> 
> So, I decide to put the bills back
> On the table and take out the garbage first…
> 
> But then I think,
> Since I’m going to be near the mailbox
> When I take out the garbage anyway,
> I may as well pay the bills first.
> 
> I take my check book off the table,
> And see that there is only one check left.
> My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
> So I go inside the house to my desk where
> I find the can of Diet Coke I’d been drinking.
> 
> I’m going to look for my checks,
> But first I need to push the Diet Coke aside
> So that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
> 
> The Diet Coke is getting warm,
> And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
> 
> As I head toward the kitchen with the
> Diet Coke,
> A vase of flowers on the counter
> Catches my eye–they need water.
> 
> I put the Diet Coke on the counter and
> Discover my reading glasses that
> I’ve been searching for all morning.
> I decide I better put them back on my desk,
> But first I’m going to water the flowers.
> 
> I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
> Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
> Someone left it on the kitchen table.
> 
> I realize that tonight when we go to
> watch TV,
> I’ll be looking for the remote,
> But I won’t remember that it’s on the
> kitchen table,
> So I decide to put it back in the den where
> it belongs,
> But first I’ll water the flowers.
> 
> I pour some water in the flowers,
> But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
> 
> So, I set the remote back on the table,
> Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
> 
> Then, I head down the hall trying to
> Remember what I was planning to do.
> 
> At the end of the day:
> The car isn’t washed,
> The bills aren’t paid,
> There is a warm can of
> Diet Coke sitting on the counter,
> The flowers don’t have enough water,
> There is still only 1 check in my check book,
> I can’t find the remote,
> I can’t find my glasses,
> And I don’t remember what I did
> with the car keys.
> Then, when I try to figure out why
> nothing got done today,
> I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
> And I’m really tired.
> 
> I realize this is a serious problem,
> And I’ll try to get some help for it, but
> first I’ll check my e-mail…
> 
> Do me a favor.
> Forward this message to everyone you know,
> Because I don’t remember who I’ve sent it to.
> 
> Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet,
> your day is coming!
> 
> …and tomorrow morning you discover that the hose is still running.


Lol Mikey was under the.....uhhh....what's that word!..... Oh welll.....more coffee needed.....precious.......or should it be priceless??????


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## Don Ratcliff

SENC said:


> That first one was when someone typed in "Don" (@Don Ratcliff ), right?

Reactions: Like 1


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## SENC

Don Ratcliff said:


>


Just want to make sure you visit from time to time!

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 4 | Way Cool 1


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## SENC

phinds said:


> View attachment 232756


@Brink 's brothers?

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Brink

SENC said:


> @Brink 's brothers?


Maybe the one in the left.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## SENC

__





Loading…






iplayerhd.com

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## phinds

My kind of garage:

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4 | Sincere 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2 | Informative 2


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## SENC

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 232787


Tasty.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 1 | Creative 1


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## Mr. Peet

SENC said:


> Tasty.


and likely more affordable as well.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## 2feathers Creative Making

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 232790


Not an unfamiliar sight, unfortunately.


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Great Post 2 | Funny 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 10


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## ripjack13

When the group behind you keeps hitting up on you and your buddies....just place the flag in a good spot for them

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4 | Informative 1


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## Mike Hill

You can't call yourself a tough guy until......

Reactions: Like 4 | Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

Jim, 92, and Mary, 89, were excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding, they passed a drug store. Jim suggested they go in. Jim asked to speak to the pharmacist. He explained they’re about to get married, and asked, "Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do," the pharmacist replied.
"Medicine for rheumatism?"
"Definitely," he said.
"How about Viagra?"
"Of course."
"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
"Yes, the works."
"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"
"Absolutely."
"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
"All speeds and sizes."
"Good," Jim said to the pharmacist. "We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 9 | Informative 1


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## Nature Man



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## JonathanH

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 232954


This picture deserves a song to be written about it.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Wildthings

JonathanH said:


> This picture deserves a song to be written about it.


Already done! "Thyme in a Bottle" by Jim Croce

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## JonathanH

Wildthings said:


> Already done! "Thyme in a Bottle" by Jim Croce


The stage was set. Not disappointed!

Thought about this one:

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 8 | +Karma 1


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## Mike Hill

What kinda bug do you call this!

Reactions: Way Cool 3 | Creative 1


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## Mike Hill

JonathanH said:


> The stage was set. Not disappointed!


That's a three pointer!!!


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## JonathanH

Mike Hill said:


> That's a three pointer!!!


You served it up Bro! Well done!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Herb G.

Mike Hill said:


> What kinda bug do you call this!
> 
> View attachment 232956


I saw some really cool Bugs when I had mine. 
There was a show in Penn. I went to one weekend.
One was a Bug with 2 front ends on it. You couldn't tell if it was coming or going.
I saw a stretch limo Bug that had 6 doors on each side. That was a cool looking car.
I also saw one that someone had taken the body off a Bug & put it on a 4WD Bronco.
Now that car was cool !

Sadly, no pics.

Reactions: Like 1


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## GlynnC

Mike Hill said:


> What kinda bug do you call this!
> 
> View attachment 232956


Mud Bug

Reactions: Like 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## DLJeffs

JonathanH said:


> You served it up Bro! Well done!







Pink Floyd "Time"

Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1


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## Nature Man

bluegrass songs about time - Bing video


微软必应图片搜索拥有来自国内和海外的海量图库，致力于为中国用户提供最好的国内外图片搜索服务。




www.bing.com

Reactions: Like 1


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## trc65



Reactions: Funny 3


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## phinds

Actually, that may well end up being a lot less funny after he's been in charge for a while

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Mike Hill

S O M E T I M E S <sigh>
Sometimes....when you cry.... No one sees your tears.
Sometimes....when you are in pain.... No one sees your hurt.
Sometimes....when you are worried....No one sees your stress.
Sometimes....when you are happy.... No one sees your smile.
But fart just ONE time..... And everybody notices!!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## scootac

Mike Hill said:


> S O M E T I M E S <sigh>
> Sometimes....when you cry.... No one sees your tears.
> Sometimes....when you are in pain.... No one sees your hurt.
> Sometimes....when you are worried....No one sees your stress.
> Sometimes....when you are happy.... No one sees your smile.
> But fart just ONE time..... And everybody notices!!


It was the dog!!!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3 | Funny 1


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## Nature Man



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

Got lucky and was able to go fishing yesterday. Looking back i should not have taken my shirtoff as I got quite the sunburn even though it's pretty much fall!. Been taking Viagara since getting back home. I have to report that it is not really doing much for the sunburn, but it sure does help keeping the sheets up off the skin!!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mr. Peet

Maverick said:


> View attachment 232990


some assembly my a**

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

I actually carved this one for a work contest. Hahahahaaa

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6 | Creative 1


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## Mr. Peet

ripjack13 said:


> I actually carved this one for a work contest. Hahahahaaa
> 
> View attachment 233002
> 
> View attachment 233003


My kid did the vomiting jack-o-lantern this year. He said it looks good when using green pumpkins. I'll ask him if he will share a pic.

Reactions: Like 2


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## ripjack13

Here it is lit up....

Reactions: Like 4 | Way Cool 4


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## vegas urban lumber

ripjack13 said:


> Here it is lit up....
> 
> View attachment 233017


needs a very little hole for light in the center

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13

vegas urban lumber said:


> needs a very little hole for light in the center


Yes!!!!


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## Mr. Peet

ripjack13 said:


> Yes!!!!


Being lit, think I see it now. Is it supposed to be a cat walking into a 'tunnel', and looking back? Otherwise I thought it was a gangly spook with cat like head.


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## ripjack13

Mr. Peet said:


> Being lit, think I see it now. Is it supposed to be a cat walking into a 'tunnel', and looking back? Otherwise I thought it was a gangly spook with cat like head.


I was thinking of putting some kitty litter in there to make it look like a cat box...


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## 2feathers Creative Making

SENC said:


> View attachment 233030


Did he not see the equation was much simpler. Z=⁷¹/4x4... what a waste!! All that effort, only to be wrong....

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mr. Peet

2feathers Creative Making said:


> Did he not see the equation was much simpler. Z=⁷¹/4x4... what a waste!! All that effort, only to be wrong....


Either way, we still have no value solved for either x or z.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 5


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## Maverick



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1 | Informative 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 5


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Reactions: Funny 9 | +Karma 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Nubsnstubs

SENC said:


> View attachment 233052


years ago when I worked for Lear Jet, one of the guys decided to have a party. we were told to bring finger food if we wanted. Since I was well known for not having all my fingers, I and my Babe got a package of those small sausages about the size of fingers and then a package of fingernails. Inserted the nails into the ends of about half the sausages, cooked then in a BBQ sauce, and went to the party. Reactions were pretty mixed. Did get a lot of laughs........... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

Nubsnstubs said:


> years ago when I worked for Lear Jet, one of the guys decided to have a party. we were told to bring finger food if we wanted. Since I was well known for not having all my fingers, I and my Babe got a package of those small sausages about the size of fingers and then a package of fingernails. Inserted the nails into the ends of about half the sausages, cooked then in a BBQ sauce, and went to the party. Reactions were pretty mixed. Did get a lot of laughs........... Jerry (in Tucson)


Ewwwwwww.......


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## Mike Hill

Don't see Old @Mike1950 in the group. Don't understand.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

For those people we have in our lives who actually enjoy "fake" bacon!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## SENC

Mike Hill said:


> Don't see Old @Mike1950 in the group. Don't understand.
> 
> View attachment 233062


I saw him in the whole group!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Maverick

Spellcheck fail

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 7


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## Mr. Peet

Maverick said:


> Spellcheck fail
> 
> View attachment 233141


Looks that way, however, it is a common teen prank to paint in the "C", just like adding genitalia to deer crossing signs and an "S" to PED Crossing Signs and so forth. I recall a certain "Do not Pass" sign that was complimented by a 'GO' sign for a while. And that other one, 'BRIDGE MAY BE SPICY'.

Anyway, still humorous, especially for a school, or should I say SOHOOL.


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## JonathanH

Mr. Peet said:


> Looks that way, however, it is a common teen prank to paint in the "C", just like adding genitalia to deer crossing signs and an "S" to PED Crossing Signs and so forth. I recall a certain "Do not Pass" sign that was complimented by a 'GO' sign for a while. And that other one, 'BRIDGE MAY BE SPICY'.
> 
> Anyway, still humorous, especially for a school, or should I say SOHOOL.


Hmmm!...Mr. Peet seems to be very well versed in the finer arts of teenage pranking. Sounds like it was a fun-filled education!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## Mike Hill

I wish this transgender thing was around when I was in high school. I’d have joined the girls wrestling team. Just sayin’...

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

Almost to bad to post - but here goes anyways!

Reactions: Funny 3 | Useful 1


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## Mike Hill

* They're creepy and *
*they're kooky, mysterious*
*and spooky, they're all* 
* together ooky,

My Woodbarter Family*

*Did anyone notice the 'stros color theme going on? *

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## phinds

a coo sticks

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Hill

Dog Ross!

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6


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## Wildthings

Mike Hill said:


> * They're creepy and *
> *they're kooky, mysterious*
> *and spooky, they're all*
> * together ooky,
> 
> My Woodbarter Family*
> 
> *Did anyone notice the 'stros color theme going on? *


ME ME ME!!


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## 2feathers Creative Making

Mike Hill said:


> * They're creepy and *
> *they're kooky, mysterious*
> *and spooky, they're all*
> * together ooky,
> 
> My Woodbarter Family*
> 
> *Did anyone notice the 'stros color theme going on? *


The who?


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## Nubsnstubs

Mr. Peet said:


> Looks that way, however, it is a common teen prank to paint in the "C", just like adding genitalia to deer crossing signs and an "S" to PED Crossing Signs and so forth. I recall a certain "Do not* Pass*" sign that was complimented by a 'GO' sign for a while. And that other one, 'BRIDGE MAY BE SPICY'.
> 
> Anyway, still humorous, especially for a school, or should I say SOHOOL.


Mark, you made a typo. Should be an "I" there. .............. Jerry (in Tucson)


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## SENC

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1587418821446537219

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 2


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 3


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

Ohhhh, I know who I need to send this to.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


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## SENC

Maverick said:


> View attachment 233247


Wouldn't you prefer they drive west, to CA?

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## T. Ben

Maverick said:


> View attachment 233247


Why would you leave all that beautiful snow?!?


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## Nature Man

T. Ben said:


> Why would you leave all that beautiful snow?!?


For warm weather!


----------



## T. Ben

Nature Man said:


> For warm weather!


I don’t understand…………..

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## DLJeffs

Speaking of winter driving ... isn't it confounding how people forget how to drive on wet or snowy or icy roads from one winter to the next? We had our first snow last two days and the news reported over 20 accidents around Bend, making morning commutes that typically took 15 mins taking 45 mins. We saw the same thing in California when we'd get the first winter rains - people sliding and playing bumper cars all over the place.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Hill

I'm sure Doug will understand!

Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 3


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## T. Ben

DLJeffs said:


> Speaking of winter driving ... isn't it confounding how people forget how to drive on wet or snowy or icy roads from one winter to the next? We had our first snow last two days and the news reported over 20 accidents around Bend, making morning commutes that typically took 15 mins taking 45 mins. We saw the same thing in California when we'd get the first winter rains - people sliding and playing bumper cars all over the place.


Every year it’s the same here.


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## Mike Hill

The PERFECT Oreos

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Wildthings

DLJeffs said:


> Speaking of winter driving ... isn't it confounding how people forget how to drive on wet or snowy or icy roads from one winter to the next? We had our first snow last two days and the news reported over 20 accidents around Bend, making morning commutes that typically took 15 mins taking 45 mins. We saw the same thing in California when we'd get the first winter rains - people sliding and playing bumper cars all over the place.





T. Ben said:


> Every year it’s the same here.


Same here Oh wait! never mind

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## phinds

Cop stopped me late last night and asked why I was in such a hurry. I explained that was late to a serious
lecture about the socio-economic impact of tardiness, over indulgence in alcohol, and slovenly personal habits and their impact on global interactions as well as on the personal consequences on quality of private life and relationships. 

He asked who in the world would hold such a lecture at almost midnight. I told him, my wife.

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13

SENC said:


> View attachment 233279



MOSH PIT GIRL!!!! That is an epic pic...


----------



## ripjack13

Nature Man said:


> For warm weather!





T. Ben said:


> I don’t understand…………..





Wildthings said:


> Same here Oh wait! never mind




I'll be the one who says....Spring time is the best season wether....

Reactions: Like 1


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## ripjack13

Mike Hill said:


> * They're creepy and *
> *they're kooky, mysterious*
> *and spooky, they're all*
> * together ooky,
> 
> My Woodbarter Family*
> 
> *Did anyone notice the 'stros color theme going on? *





Wildthings said:


> ME ME ME!!




Ummm....hellllooooo.....anyone?


----------



## Mike Hill

Ok, I'll start by saying that I don't much like the show "Big Valley" - not much at all! So it should not be surprising that I don't know much about the actors. I just realized that Audra Barker is also Crystal on Dynasty. Why couldn't she be on some shows I like?

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Mike Hill said:


> Ok, I'll start by saying that I don't much like the show "Big Valley" - not much at all! So it should not be surprising that I don't know much about the actors. I just realized that Audra Barker is also Crystal on Dynasty. Why couldn't she be on some shows I like?


You know shes from Connecticut ...

Reactions: Informative 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

This might come as a surprise......

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Mike Hill

Why do nurses always carry red crayons?


In case they need to draw blood.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


----------



## barry richardson



Reactions: Funny 9 | Way Cool 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## Maverick

*If you think you are having a bad day, think of this guy.....*

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Herb G.

Maverick said:


> *If you think you are having a bad day, think of this guy.....*
> 
> View attachment 233361


He's having a crappy day for sure.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1 | Sincere 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 6


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## phinds

Congratulations --- it's a fork lift !

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 8


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## Mr. Peet

Maverick said:


> View attachment 233390


I assume this is the right way....at least looks right.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 5


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## GlynnC

When I retired from the Air Force I was living near St. Louis. I told everyone I was going to tie a snow shovel to the hood of my car and drive south. When I got to where someone would ask "What's That on your hood" I would know I'd gone far enough.

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1 | Funny 11 | Creative 1


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## Mike Hill

Maverick said:


> View attachment 233390


Walking, talking Lume commercial?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

An early holiday tip from Lil Mikey!

Reactions: Like 2 | Thank You! 1 | Funny 4


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 2 | Informative 1


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## ripjack13

A little late...but....


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## GlynnC

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 233449


Surprised Ohio and PA didn't make the list.....

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## scootac

GlynnC said:


> Surprised Ohio and PA didn't make the list.....


Maybe something to do with having a land border with the Great White Nort?

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

Lil Mikey acted like a snowflake and got offended this weekend:

Friend: "What's the dumbest thing you've ever done?"
Lil Mikey: "How presumptuous to assume I've peaked."

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

Bah Humbug!
This might be Lil Mikey's Christmas decoration this year!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 5


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Nature Man

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 233449


What happened to Connecticut?

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 5


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## ripjack13

GlynnC said:


> Surprised Ohio and PA didn't make the list.....


I dont make the funny. I just post em....

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## ripjack13

Nature Man said:


> What happened to Connecticut?


It went down the drain years ago....

Reactions: Sincere 1


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## ripjack13

Maverick said:


> View attachment 233459

Reactions: Funny 2


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 8 | Sincere 1


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## scootac



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## JonathanH

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 233449





GlynnC said:


> Surprised Ohio and PA didn't make the list.....





scootac said:


> Maybe something to do with having a land border with the Great White Nort?





Nature Man said:


> What happened to Connecticut?




It's an "Upper Echelon" map.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Nature Man

JonathanH said:


> It's an "Upper Echelon" map.


Map was developed by the Alpine Club of America, probably!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## Maverick

I wonder how they really feel about visitors?!?!?

Reactions: Like 6 | Way Cool 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## phinds

The 3rd graders are studying Animals of the World in their book and the teacher asks each one what their favorite animal is. After several others he gets to little Johnnie who replies "A frickin' elephant".

WHAT roars the teacher. Little Johnnie, quite abashed, timidly shows the teacher the book and says again "a frickin' elephant"

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 8


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## SENC

Not making a political statement, nor inviting one, just thought this was funny. Happy to remove if anyone is offended.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 11


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## JonathanH

Funny is funny wherever you find it. I laughed.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## JonathanH

Pirate humor

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Mr. Peet

SENC said:


> Not making a political statement, nor inviting one, just thought this was funny. Happy to remove if anyone is offended.
> 
> View attachment 233582


I was thinking about getting T-shirts made, 'Hire the handi-capped' and '#2 works for us' are the nicer ones. I will withdraw from saying the backdrop, to limit political miscommunication.


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## Mr. Peet

JonathanH said:


> Pirate humor
> 
> View attachment 233584






 = Pirate

Reactions: Funny 5


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

EGADDDSSSSSS!!! If I posted this, I must be growing fuzzy bunny slipppers - helllllppppp!!

When the Moon kisses the Ocean

Reactions: Like 4 | Way Cool 4


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 7


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

*Rocky Top and clogging on the CMA - my oh my!!!!*


I'd attach a vid, but have never learnt to do that.


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## Wildthings

SENC said:


> Not making a political statement, nor inviting one, just thought this was funny. Happy to remove if anyone is offended.
> 
> View attachment 233582


LOLOLOL 0-3 Just like the Yankees!!! No wait!! Forget it they were* 0-4*

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Maverick

I don't know why, but I literally LOL at this one.......

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 6 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## scootac

Maverick said:


> View attachment 233603


On a motorcycle trip through the west, it was hard to believe these mile long trains came by about every 15-20 minutes. HUGE amounts of coal being shipped east.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## trc65

You are lucky those were only a mile long. My nieces husband works for BNSF in the Galesburg shipping yard and a majority of the trains they build each day are upwards of 2.5 miles long. Shortage of engineers and conductors to drive the trains have resulted in longer and longer trains. Of course dependent on what they are shipping (weight) and the destination. 

It's a complex issue with labor and management constantly fighting, but one of the side effects is long trains. Locally, they are constantly blocking crossings when they park trains waiting for crews to take them on the road. Also problems with crews timing out (12 hours mandatory max) and waiting for replacement crews to arrive.

Reactions: Informative 2


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## Maverick

speaking of labor and management......

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## SENC

Maverick said:


> I don't know why, but I literally LOL at this one.......
> 
> View attachment 233602


I am so embarrassed I didn't come up that - I'm not half as redneck as I thought!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## Maverick

SENC said:


> I am so embarrassed I didn't come up that - I'm not half as redneck as I thought!


I hear you, that is right on the edge between crazy stupid and crazy ingenious.


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## Mr. Peet

Maverick said:


> I don't know why, but I literally LOL at this one.......
> 
> View attachment 233602


Most of the #2 BB&Q's I've been at, have the grill spun so it locks in. This one needed to go another 45 degrees. I see the cooler drain is hooked on right. These party grills only work during the heated summer months. Fall and winter do not work well has the power bowl heats to quickly and destroys itself. Even in the summer, exploding BB&Q bowls do happen. Keep covered when not in use. Use a leaf blower to clean out the bowl, the flushing technique rarely works and if done with cold water while the bowl is still hot, it will also damage the base. The use of urinal's turned sideways work well for bigger gatherings, its an American Standard of life to use what we have.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3 | Informative 2


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## SENC

Mr. Peet said:


> Most of the #2 BB&Q's I've been at, have the grill spun so it locks in. This one needed to go another 45 degrees. I see the cooler drain is hooked on right. These party grills only work during the heated summer months. Fall and winter do not work well has the power bowl heats to quickly and destroys itself. Even in the summer, exploding BB&Q bowls do happen. Keep covered when not in use. Use a leaf blower to clean out the bowl, the flushing technique rarely works and if done with cold water while the bowl is still hot, it will also damage the base. The use of urinal's turned sideways work well for bigger gatherings, its an American Standard of life to use what we have.


Nothing beats experience! Thanks for saving the rest of us from some learning by trial and error!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Maverick

This would be even better if there was a roadrunner sitting on top the sign....

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6


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## Maverick

I am sure many on this site can relate to this.....

Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 11


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## Gdurfey

Maverick said:


> I am sure many on this site can relate to this.....
> 
> View attachment 233639


That’s life, not a joke!!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## phinds

Maverick said:


> I am sure many on this site can relate to this.....
> 
> View attachment 233639



Yeah, mine was in a tobacco drying shed. Nasty work.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 10


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8 | Creative 1


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## trc65

phinds said:


> Yeah, mine was in a tobacco drying shed. Nasty work.


While I didn't work any tobacco as a kid, in grad school at Wisconsin, we had one guy who did tobacco research. Spent about a week every year spearing and hanging tobacco. Definitely didn't meet OSHA regs as we straddled the rails passing full lath up to the top of the shed.


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## Eric Rorabaugh

Good thing OSHA wasn't around when we hung tobacco. Also lucky no one ever got really hurt


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## phinds

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> Good thing OSHA wasn't around when we hung tobacco. Also lucky no one ever got really hurt


Hell, just having that tobacco gum on your hands for the summer was hurt enough

Reactions: Like 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 4 | Creative 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2 | Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Herb G.

Maverick said:


> View attachment 233738




Ladders are racist. Look at the labels on the side of the ladder. It shows the white guy using it properly, but the black guy is falling off it.
Someone showed me that 30 years ago, and new ladders still have the same labels on them.
Next time you use a ladder check out the labels on it, or look at them at the hardware store & you'll see what I mean.

Reactions: Informative 1


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## Mike Hill

Eric Rorabaugh said:


> Good thing OSHA wasn't around when we hung tobacco. Also lucky no one ever got really hurt


Did not have much tobacco in Central Texas - so was spared that...Dirty Job! But since moving here, have been in, built, etc... a number of tobacco warehouses and production plants. And I will say, while not totally unpleasant sometimes, there are places that are..... well......I'll be nice........not where I'd like to spend time at. While smoked burley sales are aromatic in a good way! Plus you know when fall is approaching when you drive around and see barns with smoke rising and everywhere you go it smells like a bbq! Never fails - fall is close!!


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 15


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 5


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 8


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4 | Informative 2


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## SENC

a very thoughtful joke!


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## SENC

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbecued 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 6


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## SENC

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that friends, is how it all works!

Reactions: Agree 7 | Funny 4


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Maverick

Maverick said:


> View attachment 233823




Raise your hand if you are OCD and counted the carrots like I did to make sure there were 18

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Wildthings



Reactions: Like 1


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## Bigdrowdy1

twice

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Nature Man

From the El Paso Herald Post, January 14, 1958…. Some things never change - Look at the top headline…

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1 | Funny 2 | Informative 1


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## SENC

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 6


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 5


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## DLJeffs

SENC said:


> View attachment 233905


Reminds me of the signs someone posted on the bathrooms at college ... "Flush twice, it's a long way to the cafeteria".

Reactions: Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


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## Mr. Peet

Nature Man said:


> From the El Paso Herald Post, January 14, 1958…. Some things never change - Look at the top headline…
> 
> View attachment 233885


Think the double headlight option came out in 1957. What year is the clipping from? Only about 42 cents a mile for me, so not bad considering the number of years between and standard inflation.


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## SENC

@Mr. Peet, here's your sign...

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 4


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## Nature Man

Mr. Peet said:


> Think the double headlight option came out in 1957. What year is the clipping from? Only about 42 cents a mile for me, so not bad considering the number of years between and standard inflation.


January 14, 1958

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 9


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4 | Sincere 1


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## SENC

A pro golfer was driving his new Cadillac convertible and stopped for gas at a gas station. A young boy of about 12 was inspecting the car and noticed some tees on the floor in front of the driver's seat. " What are those ? " he asked the pro. " Tees " said the pro. " What are tees ? " the kid asked.
" You put your balls on them when you're driving " the pro said.
The kid replied " Man those Cadillacs have EVERYTHING "

Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Nubsnstubs

phinds said:


> View attachment 233941


That's priceless. I feel like I should make a presentation of something like that to one or two of my customers. ........... Jerry (in Tucson)


----------



## Nature Man

Since we’re redefining…

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 2 | Informative 1


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## Eric Rorabaugh

phinds said:


> View attachment 233941


Reminds me of Rocky's cutting board kit


----------



## DLJeffs

Nubsnstubs said:


> That's priceless. I feel like I should make a presentation of something like that to one or two of my customers. ........... Jerry (in Tucson)


or an easy-way-out Christmas present. Just go to the wood pile, pick out a few pieces and box them up.

Reactions: Like 2


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## Mike Hill

Maverick said:


> Raise your hand if you are OCD and counted the carrots like I did to make sure there were 18

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6 | Funny 3


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## Tom Smart



Reactions: Agree 8


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## Sprung

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 234032



And why don't we get an employee discount when we use a self checkout?

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 2


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## scootac

Tom Smart said:


> View attachment 234032


But....but.....profi.....prices would go up even more if we don't use self checkouts.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 3 | Informative 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 11


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 13


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## Maverick

While there are no men in this picture, I will still say that this is a good explanation of why women live longer than men....just saying

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4 | +Karma 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 9 | Sincere 1


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## bhatleberg

Guess all this talk about inflation is legit!

This is from a local convenience store this evening...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4 | Informative 1


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## trc65

It was on SALE, that's $0.50 per stick, not for the pack! You actually saved $0.51!!!

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 10


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## Mr. Peet

I thought they were charging $0.50 just for the amount of mint used, but wonder thinking the word artificially might be hidden under thumb.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## DLJeffs

How old is that gum?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Wildthings



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 4 | Useful 1


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## SENC

I now know why @Tclem didn't last long in class...

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Tony: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Tony: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the cow give you?"
Tony: "Homework!"

Reactions: Funny 4


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## SENC

Where does a cow fart come from?

The Dairy Air

Reactions: Funny 6


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## phinds

SENC said:


> Where does a cow fart come from?
> 
> The Dairy Air


I see what you did there and I wish you hadn't

Reactions: Funny 2


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## SENC

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 5 | Funny 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 6


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## phinds

I think this one might have been here before but worth repeating

Reactions: Funny 7


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## Maverick

Happy Thanksgiving all

Reactions: Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## phinds

Don't forget to turn your bathroom scales back 15 pounds tonight at 1AM for Thanksgiving.

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## SubVet10

Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


----------



## SENC



Reactions: Funny 8 | Sincere 1


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## SENC

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 5 | Sincere 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


----------



## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 8 | Sincere 1


----------



## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


----------



## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 2


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


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## phinds

This absolutely captures my methodology for cabinetry

Reactions: Funny 8 | +Karma 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Maverick

may not be a joke in the truest sense of the word, but I still find it funny

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## Maverick

Freudian slip or autocorrect????...that is the question!!!

Reactions: Funny 5 | Sincere 1


----------



## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

Now, I could have done this with my carved turkey, but I didn't - that woulda been crazy!

Reactions: Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 2 | EyeCandy! 1 | Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## Nubsnstubs

Maverick said:


> may not be a joke in the truest sense of the word, but I still find it funny
> 
> View attachment 234216


And they did that during Antarctica's summer. We were in our winter, so most who read the story didn't make the connection. ................. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Mr. Peet

Nubsnstubs said:


> And they did that during Antarctica's summer. We were in our winter, so most who read the story didn't make the connection. ................. Jerry (in Tucson)


Big Antarctic news now is Aussie's new rules on sexual conduct while there. Sad the things that are news now days.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Nubsnstubs

Mr. Peet said:


> Big Antarctic news now is Aussie's new rules on sexual conduct while there. Sad the things that are news now days.


That's probably because there are no Ob/Gyn's in the group. ............... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 10


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## Maverick

Me... at Thanksgiving

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 8 | Informative 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Maverick

That reminds me of when I was trying to teach my young girls the difference between a phillips head vs flat head screw/screwdriver. They did finally get it.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5 | Informative 1


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## SENC

Maverick said:


> View attachment 234311


I am in imperforate concurrence!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds

Mr. Peet said:


> Big Antarctic news now is Aussie's new rules on sexual conduct while there. Sad the things that are news now days.


So are you sad that there was sexual misconduct or sad that they're trying to fix it ?


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## Mike Hill

Maverick said:


> View attachment 234311


What!!!!!!!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## GlynnC

From the USAF pub "The Tongue and Quill"

*Three Blind Mice (Translated for bureaucrats)*

A triumvirate of optically deficient rodents
Observe how the perambulate!
They all perambulated
After the horticulturist's spouse,
Who removed their posterior appendages
With a culinary instrument.
Have you ever observed such a visual phenomenon
In your cumulative metabolic process,
As a triumvirate of optically deficient rodents?

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Gdurfey

GlynnC said:


> From the USAF pub "The Tongue and Quill"
> 
> *Three Blind Mice (Translated for bureaucrats)*
> 
> A triumvirate of optically deficient rodents
> Observe how the perambulate!
> They all perambulated
> After the horticulturist's spouse,
> Who removed their posterior appendages
> With a culinary instrument.
> Have you ever observed such a visual phenomenon
> In your cumulative metabolic process,
> As a triumvirate of optically deficient rodents?


you just brought back briefing PTSD........

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## GlynnC

Gdurfey said:


> you just brought back briefing PTSD........


Hi Garry
I take it you're familiar with the Tongue and Quill? I still use it for my class on leadership and communications. (I'm retired USAF, 72-96). 
Best wishes
Glynn

Reactions: Like 1


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## Gdurfey

GlynnC said:


> Hi Garry
> I take it you're familiar with the Tongue and Quill? I still use it for my class on leadership and communications. (I'm retired USAF, 72-96).
> Best wishes
> Glynn


Yep, sure am. Thanks for your service. I didn't make it that long, only 9 years active duty, but have been civil service, mostly with the AF, ever since. Yep, the old bible and actually one of the best "guides" probably ever put out by the AF!!! Still work at Peterson......was going to call it AFB, but SFB now. I am still AF working for an organization out of Hill AFB, Utah.

Reactions: Like 1


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## GlynnC

Hi Garry,
Thanks for your service also - and your continued service. Beautiful area to live in (yes - I'm jealous ). I just had the good fortune to attend a education fair at Buckley about a month ago, interesting process to just get into the building, and to be escorted around. I still have a hard time thinking in terms of Space Force. But I suppose the old "Brown Shoe Air Force" felt the same way back in 1947.
Best wishes,
Glynn.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1


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## phinds

Musk in the break room at Twitter:

Reactions: Funny 1


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## DLJeffs

phinds said:


> Musk in the break room at Twitter:
> View attachment 234327


with any luck it'll crater and take a few other social media things with it.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Gdurfey

DLJeffs said:


> with any luck it'll crater and take a few other social media things with it.


Heard a funny one the other day:

Twitter to out of work oil field workers: its just a job, go find another one.

Oil field workers to Twitter Engineers a few years later: it's just a job, go find another one!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 5 | Sincere 1


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## Mike Hill

No, I didn't write it, but shoulda!

Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 5 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

Makes me glad I ain't a cowgirl!!!! Yippie-yi-ooo-ky-yay!!!




__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=963999387431672

Reactions: Funny 3


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## DLJeffs

Mike Hill said:


> No, I didn't write it, but shoulda!
> 
> View attachment 234341


Should have included "you don't deserve a well paying job, you earn a well paying job".

Reactions: Agree 2 | Great Post 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## Maverick



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

Maverick said:


> View attachment 234352


I resemble that remark --- but please don't tell my wife!!!! I'm afraid of her! She's got special powers!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Maverick

Mike Hill said:


> I resemble that remark --- but please don't tell my wife!!!! I'm afraid of her! She's got special powers!


I won't tell a soul. I figured there would be several on here that could relate to the 'storage problem'.... I know I can.,

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 1


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> So are you sad that there was sexual misconduct or sad that they're trying to fix it ?


Sad that it is the news. The definition of misconduct has changed over time, so what was not before is now. However, one way to avoid the problem is also the one religion that the secular focuses on suppressing. I'll stop there before going beyond permitted...


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9 | Creative 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 9


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## Maverick

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 234363


Forget Mike.....I want to know why there is an Autopsy CLUB?!?!?!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

Maverick said:


> Forget Mike.....I want to know why there is an Autopsy CLUB?!?!?!


Inquiring minds want to know?

I've heard there is a waiting list! People are just dying to get in!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

A newly-married couple wakes up on their first Christmas morning together.....





The wife kisses her husband on the cheek and says, "Merry Christmas, hun! Don't get up, I have a surprise for you - as your first Christmas present, I'm going to make you your favorite breakfast in bed... Eggs Benedict!"
"Wow, great!" says the husband, propping himself up in bed as his wife scampers away to the kitchen.
A little time and lots of clanging and cooking later, the wife returns with a beautiful plate of Eggs Benedict - fresh and steaming hot on a plate.
The husband smiles from ear to ear as he takes the plate from his wife, but gets a slightly quizzical look on his face when he notices that the plate is one he's never seen before. Instead of their usual dinnerware, this plate is a shiny, silvery metallic one.
"This is wonderful, darling!" the husband says, "But what's with the fancy plate, did you get it special for today?"
"Of course I did," beams the wife, "it's Christmas!..."
"... There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"


My Christmas Vow - some Christmas humor everyday until "the day" ....well....unless I forget!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7 | +Karma 1


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## Maverick

Where is the 'groan' reaction emoji? LOL, nice play on words.

Reactions: Agree 6


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## scootac

Mike Hill said:


> A newly-married couple wakes up on their first Christmas morning together.....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The wife kisses her husband on the cheek and says, "Merry Christmas, hun! Don't get up, I have a surprise for you - as your first Christmas present, I'm going to make you your favorite breakfast in bed... Eggs Benedict!"
> "Wow, great!" says the husband, propping himself up in bed as his wife scampers away to the kitchen.
> A little time and lots of clanging and cooking later, the wife returns with a beautiful plate of Eggs Benedict - fresh and steaming hot on a plate.
> The husband smiles from ear to ear as he takes the plate from his wife, but gets a slightly quizzical look on his face when he notices that the plate is one he's never seen before. Instead of their usual dinnerware, this plate is a shiny, silvery metallic one.
> "This is wonderful, darling!" the husband says, "But what's with the fancy plate, did you get it special for today?"
> "Of course I did," beams the wife, "it's Christmas!..."
> "... There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
> 
> 
> My Christmas Vow - some Christmas humor everyday until "the day" ....well....unless I forget!


I hope you started at the worst and going to the best.
Hate to think that's as good as they get!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## eaglea1

Mike Hill said:


> Inquiring minds want to know?
> 
> I've heard there is a waiting list! People are just dying to get in!


They'll be the last ones to let you down!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

Maverick said:


> Where is the 'groan' reaction emoji? LOL, nice play on words.





scootac said:


> I hope you started at the worst and going to the best.
> Hate to think that's as good as they get!


I think I'm getting some constipation........nope........wrong word..........nuerosis.......nope-not sure I spelled it correctly........aphonia paranoica..............no that's too big of a word.........mike fright.....yep that's it!!!! In other words I may have to go hide under my rock and suck my thumb for a while!
​

Reactions: Funny 3


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## phinds

Automotive punk

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 11


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## Mike Hill

12/2 Christmas Groaner. Inspired by........you know who you are!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

12/2 Christmas Funny - Hopefully!

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Gdurfey

Mike Hill said:


> 12/2 Christmas Funny - Hopefully!
> 
> View attachment 234403


gosh I miss her........and holding that shotgun!!!!

Reactions: Agree 4


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## Mike Hill

Truth be known, Lil Mikey was partial to Elly May at the cement pond. But alas........sigh........my wife doesn't like the show, and we don't watch it........she's got special powers over me!!!!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6 | Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## trc65

Mike Hill said:


> 12/2 Christmas Groaner. Inspired by........you know who you are!
> 
> View attachment 234402





Mike Hill said:


> 12/2 Christmas Funny - Hopefully!
> 
> View attachment 234403




I'm seeing a potential trend here, one Christmas funny on 12/1 and two on 12/2. 

Wonder if Lil Mikey could keep it up all the way to the magical day.

In Mikey's defence though, any good mathematician would tell you that two data points don't make a trend.

Guess we'll just have to wait and see .....

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 9


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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> 12/2 Christmas Groaner. Inspired by........you know who you are!
> 
> View attachment 234402


Is that a sexist statement, being that nearly all reindeer with antlers still in place (attached to head) at Christmas are female?


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## Mike Hill

Mr. Peet said:


> Is that a sexist statement, being that nearly all reindeer with antlers still in place (attached to head) at Christmas are female?


Simple!!! If Dasher and Dancer can fly, especially as fast as they need to to allow Santa to complete his annual task they probably have the ability to keep their antlers. If they did shed them, they probably instinctively know that they need less air resistance and friction!


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## Mike Hill

12\3 Christmas groaner

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

12\3 Christmas funny

Reactions: Funny 6


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## phinds

A physics/Electrical Engineering joke. Sort of.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 11


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 10 | Creative 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8 | Informative 1


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## Mike Hill

12\4 Christmas groaner

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

12\4 Christmas funny - hopefully

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## SENC

In keeping with the holiday theme...

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1 | Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Hill

12/5 Christmas Groaner

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

12/5 Christmas Funny - Hopefully!

Reactions: Agree 5


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## Mike Hill

AWWW guys just kidding! Really started it in the mid 60's!!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

He must work at Granzin's -

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7 | Way Cool 3


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> View attachment 234503


Most of them are wraps (not painted) and being banned in some places as they have been indicated as reasoning for causing accidents. PA used to have a law against it in the 1970's & 80's but seems to have dropped it along with the stunting laws it used to have.

Reactions: Informative 2


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## phinds



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

Maverick said:


> View attachment 234500


I had to wipe coffee off my screen over this one!!!! Thanks for the guffaw!

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Hill

12/6 Christmas Groaner!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

12/6 Christmas Funny - hopefully!

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## SENC

I suspect this explains many of OUR eternal optimism...

Reactions: Agree 6 | Funny 1


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## SENC

I know it is "a" joke a day and I've already posted, but this one isn't a joke so it doesn't count.

I think the Chinese random brand name generator needs some additional tweaking:

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 11


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


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## phinds

Hm ... I always thought I was sober when I used this phrase, but ...

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

12/7 Christmas Groaner

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

12/7 Christmas Funny - hopefully!

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## phinds



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

12/8 Christmas Groaner

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

12/8 Christmas Funny - hopefully!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4 | Informative 1


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## SENC

My submission for joke of the year...

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Maverick



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## scootac

Maverick said:


> View attachment 234616


The cat was closest too!

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

12/9 Christmas Groaner

Reactions: Funny 10


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## Mike Hill

12/9 Christmas Funny - hopefully

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## phinds

The Internet explained:

Why does disinformation travel faster on the Internet than actual information? Because actual information can only travel at the speed of light. If you solve the equations for something traveling faster than the speed of light you get an imaginary term. Thus, imaginary information travels faster than the speed of light and so it is always faster than actual information. Question answered!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Informative 2


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## Mike Hill

Deep Thoughts by Jack Ha.......nope.......Lil Mikey!

Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 1 | Funny 3 | Way Cool 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 3


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 7


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## SENC

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. Like sitting around the pool and drinking Scotch isn't a good thing.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.

She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.

So, when I got home, I decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 81 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?

I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy.

Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!" The line went dead.

Life as a senior isn't getting easier but sometimes it can be fun!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 13


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 5 | +Karma 1


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## Mike Hill

12/10 Christmas groaner

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

12/10 Christmas funny - hopefully! Bah-humbug. Just got finished watching 3 Christmas Carols!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 8


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## Maverick



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


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## Mr. Peet

Maverick said:


> View attachment 234759


It would have been better if they had drawn the split wire lights that all work in series versus the standard thread in that do not. Still got a smile out of it anyway.

Reactions: Like 1


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## SENC

A dad's sense of humor...

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3 | Informative 1


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## DLJeffs

Got a couple good ones in this morning's email ...

Reactions: Funny 6


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## SENC

Our very own @DKMD !!!

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike Hill

12/11 Christmas groaned a little late - there was extenuating circumstances - WB wasn't working for me yesterday on my pad. 

A sign of the times!

Reactions: Funny 2 | Creative 1


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## Mike Hill

12/11 Christmas funny - hopefully. Ditto on the previous problem.

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

12/12 Christmas Groaner

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

12/12 Christmas funny - hopefully!

Reactions: Funny 5


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## SENC

Right back atcha, @Mike Hill

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

SENC said:


> Right back atcha, @Mike Hill
> View attachment 234805


Danged, I'll have to cross that one of my list of 'going to post' ones!


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## Mike Hill




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## SENC

Mike Hill said:


> Danged, I'll have to cross that one of my list of going to post ones!


I'll send you 1 to make up for it.

EDIT - maybe not, doesn't seem I can put a picture in a conversation.


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## SENC

a test to see if there are any other football fans on WB...

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Tom Smart

SENC said:


> a test to see if there are any other football fans on WB...
> 
> View attachment 234811


Can’t score if you don’t take the shot. Result = France moves to semi finals.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Mike Hill

SENC said:


> I'll send you 1 to make up for it.
> 
> EDIT - maybe not, doesn't seem I can put a picture in a conversation.


You actually can........but durn if I can remember how. I know....I know.....not too helpful. I will go back under my rock and suck my thumb!


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## Mike Hill

SENC said:


> a test to see if there are any other football fans on WB...
> 
> View attachment 234811


Ok, It took awhile for sluggo Lil Mikey and a few internet searches - but he finally got it!


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## Mike Hill

12/13 Christmas Groaner

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

12/13 Christmas Funny - hopefully!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds

Q: What's the difference between reindeer nuts and beer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are about $5.00/can, reindeer nuts are under a buck

Broken pencils are pointless

Q: How do you get high on yourself?
A: Set your elbow on fire and suck on your thumb

Velcro --- what a ripoff

OK, I'll be quiet now.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds

DLJeffs said:


>


And watching Fox News would be like watching a bonfire

Reactions: Agree 1


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## JonathanH

phinds said:


> And watching Fox News would be like watching a bonfire


Any TV news!

Reactions: Agree 7


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## Maverick



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## SENC

Mikey gets credit for this one, since I couldn't figure out how to send it to him.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## 2feathers Creative Making

SENC said:


> View attachment 234834


You are right. I have seen it. Perfect example. 

Looks like a pretty decent cut and paste job.


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## Maverick

Not sure if this is funny or sad...but posting and you can make up your own mind

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 9


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## Mike Hill

12/14 Christmas Groaners

*Question:* What’s the absolute best Christmas present?

*Answer:* A broken drum — you can’t beat it!

*Q:* What's Santa Claus's favorite type of potato chip?

*A:* Crisp Pringles!

*Q:* What did one Christmas tree say to another?

*A:* Lighten up!

*Q:* What nationality is Santa Claus?

*A:* North Polish.

*Q:* What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?

*A:* He got 25 days.

*Q:* What did the third wise man say after his friends had already presented gold and frankincense?

*A:* “But wait, there’s myrrh!”

*Q:* What’s colorful, spins around and has wheels?

*A:* A dreidel, I lied about the wheels.

*Q:* What are the best Christmas sweaters made from?

*A:* Fleece Navidad.

*Q:* What is a parent’s favorite Christmas carol?

*A:* Silent Night.

*Q:* What do you call a child who doesn’t believe in Santa?

*A:* Rebel without a Claus.

*Q:* Which hand should you light the menorah with?

*A:* Neither. It’s best to light it with a candle.

*Q:* How do you know when Santa’s around?

*A:* You can always sense his presents.

*Q:* What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

*A:* Do you smell carrots?

*Q:* Why does Santa hate going down the chimney?

*A:* Because he’s Claus-trophobic.

*Q:* Why are Christmas trees bad at sewing?

*A:* They have a habit of dropping their needles.

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6 | Informative 1 | Creative 1


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## Mike Hill

12/14 Christmas Funny - Hopefully! This one is for those of you who are looking for cute!

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4


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## Maverick

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 234861


Gotta admit, this one took me more than a moment to figure out... LOL

Reactions: Agree 4 | Sincere 1


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## Bigdrowdy1

Maverick said:


> Gotta admit, this one took me more than a moment to figure out... LOL


Yoda not the only one.

Reactions: Like 1 | Thank You! 1 | Funny 6


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## Greenacres2

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 234861


Took me a few minutes trying before I could “try not—do!”

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 4


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4 | Sincere 1


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## phinds

A safety demonstration on how not to use stepladders:

Reactions: Funny 1 | Way Cool 1 | Sincere 1 | Useful 1


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## SENC



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## Maverick

I probably laughed a little too hard at this one

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Maverick

in response to @phinds .... so is this the correct way?!?!? haha

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Maverick

OK, OK, so to be fair, the safe way it to be sure there are always three points of contact...

Reactions: Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 7


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## Mr. Peet

Maverick said:


> in response to @phinds .... so is this the correct way?!?!? haha
> 
> View attachment 234888


It used to be, but the Greta society has put the kabosh on it. Now you are supposed to have the big ladder set up in the bed of a truck. Leveling the truck adds so much more work, not sure it is worth it.


----------



## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> A safety demonstration on how not to use stepladders:
> 
> View attachment 234883


Every time I see this photo, I imagine it is Keith Urban and instantly feel better. Thanks Paul.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

Nawwww - this is the correct way! Just stopped to get some gas, and looked over and saw this that my "competition" conjured up. I can't compete with this!!! And the bawdy audacity - on one of our most traveled streets near an interstate intersection. I did not get a pic of the inside. They had cut out every bottom chord/tie beam. How that building was standing is beyond me. There is at least 6 blatant violations evident, not including ones you cannot see from a distance.


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## SENC

Mike Hill said:


> Nawwww - this is the correct way! Just stopped to get some gas, and looked over and saw this that my "competition" conjured up. I can't compete with this!!! And the bawdy audacity - on one of our most traveled streets near an interstate intersection. I did not get a pic of the inside. They had cut out every bottom chord/tie beam. How that building was standing is beyond me. There is at least 6 blatant violations evident, not including ones you cannot see from a distance.
> 
> View attachment 234897


Pssshhh... all you Naderesque safety first nambie pambies ruining all the fun. Can't we just go back to Darwinism and let the problems solve themselves?

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 4


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## Maverick



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

12/15 Christmas Groaner to my WB friends!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

12/15 Christmas Funny - Hopefully!

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 3 | Sincere 1


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## Nature Man

SENC said:


> Pssshhh... all you Naderesque safety first nambie pambies ruining all the fun. Can't we just go back to Darwinism and let the problems solve themselves?


Survival of the fittest…

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7 | Way Cool 1


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## SENC

Nature Man said:


> Survival of the fittest…


Or least unfit, anyway.

Reactions: Agree 2


----------



## SENC



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 5


----------



## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 1 | Way Cool 1


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## Bigdrowdy1

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 234919


Had me checking my math

Reactions: Like 1


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## phinds

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 234919


I'm jst noow no #34. I'll let yuo nkow whin I gt toooo 82. Hic.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 234919


yup...


----------



## Greenacres2

Mr. Peet said:


> yup...


Me too. Gotta think through the math, but not tonight.


----------



## 2feathers Creative Making

Nope, didn't work. Forgot what the problem was somewhere between twonte and twonhthy fifth. Happens rittle fashter ebry times I drink to thry or was that thry to tink, dunno, doan keer... Chug a lug chug a lug

Reactions: Funny 4


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 11 | Way Cool 1


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## Mike Hill

12/16 Christmas Groaner

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

12/16 Christmas Funny - Hopefully

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 6


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## SENC



Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 3


----------



## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 234807


Well it took me a while to figure it out too!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Maverick

I suppose she can take solace in the fact that she is not #1

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## phinds

Maverick said:


> I suppose she take solace in the fact that she is not #1


But she nags 365 days a year, which is probably worse.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## phinds

Maverick said:


> I suppose she can take solace in the fact that she is not #1


But she nags 365 days a year, which is worse


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## Nature Man

Maverick said:


> I suppose she can take solace in the fact that she is not #1
> 
> View attachment 234963


And she looks so sweet…

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Herb G.

phinds said:


> But she nags 365 days a year, which is worse


You said that. Earlier. Remember?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds

Herb G. said:


> You said that. Earlier. Remember?


Huh. I was sure that I had but couldn't find it so posted again. Getting senile, most likely.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds

Twenty years from now, when young folks ask about the 2020 toilet paper shortage, I'm going to tell them that we had to drag our butts across the lawn, in the snow, all the way around the house, and then finish up on the yew bush. Them were tough times, by gum.

Reactions: Funny 6 | +Karma 1


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## Wildthings

phinds said:


> Huh. I was sure that I had but couldn't find it so posted again. Getting senile, most likely.


See post #11,324 above!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 6 | Way Cool 1


----------



## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 3 | Creative 1


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## Herb G.

phinds said:


> View attachment 234991


I saw one of those in a house I wired up back in the 90's. It was the frame for a floating wood plank staircase.


----------



## scootac

phinds said:


> View attachment 234991


And she says...."I always wear high heels!"

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

12/17 Christmas groaner!

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

12/17 Christmas funny - hopefully

Reactions: Like 2 | Funny 4


----------



## SENC



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


----------



## SENC



Reactions: Funny 11


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## Maverick



Reactions: Great Post 2 | Funny 6


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## Maverick



Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 7


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## SENC

SENC said:


> View attachment 235009


No GRRR, yet, from the  , maybe FWHWG and got lost. Just hope it wasn't a DBI. If no response soon, gonna have to put out an APB for an ornery guy towing a trailer full of ugly wood with an Ape in the passenger seat flipping everyone off.

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

12/18 Christmas Groaner

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

12/18 Christmas Funny - Hopefully

Reactions: Funny 5 | Sincere 1


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## 2feathers Creative Making

Mike Hill said:


> 12/18 Christmas Funny - Hopefully
> 
> View attachment 235031


I get to watch that one repeated year round. Yes, I work construction. No. I wear suspenders. I refuse to play in this seasonal thriller.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 3


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## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 4


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


----------



## ripjack13

Yep...it's mint if you squint....

Reactions: Funny 1


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 8


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 2


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Funny 9


----------



## ripjack13



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 4


----------



## scootac

ripjack13 said:


> View attachment 235065


Probably got his douche knot tied too tight.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

12/19 Christmas Groaner Only 6 more days of these!

Reactions: Funny 4 | Sincere 1


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## Mike Hill

12/19 Christmas Funny - Hopefully!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 5


----------



## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 3 | Creative 1


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## Herb G.

Mike Hill said:


> View attachment 235079

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she
cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

Which poses the question - Does anyone have a sofa I can sleep on tonight?

Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mr. Peet

Mike Hill said:


> My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she
> cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
> 
> Which poses the question - Does anyone have a sofa I can sleep on tonight?


Yep, we'll leave the light on for ya.

Reactions: Thank You! 1


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## Maverick

I guess Rudolph wasn't paying attention

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

12/20 Christmas Groaner - only 5 more left!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

12/20 Christmas Funny - Hopefully (This is too much fun for an old man!)

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


----------



## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 6


----------



## phinds



Reactions: Funny 4


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 7 | Funny 2


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

12/21 Christmas Groaner

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Mike Hill

12/21 Christmas Funny - Hopefully.

Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 2 | Funny 3


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## SENC



Reactions: Thank You! 2 | Funny 8


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## phinds

HA ... I always thought that the "crypto" in cryptocurrency stood for cryptography, but NOW I get it ...

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Maverick

SENC said:


>


Welp, I made it through the first 10 seconds of the beautiful rendition...I am sure the rest was just as lovely so I stopped before I became too overwhelmed with emotions.

Reactions: Funny 2


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 4


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## Mike Hill

Maverick said:


> View attachment 235185


At least it was NOT written in a yellow font!

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Wildthings

SENC said:


>


LOLOL my dog started howling LOL

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 5 | Creative 1


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## SENC

Maverick said:


> View attachment 235195


But, was the arm still attached after the 1.3 seconds?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Maverick

SENC said:


> But, was the arm still attached after the 1.3 seconds?


Minor details!!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## ripjack13

SENC said:


>


I just played that for Michele...she lasted 19 seconds before she hit me with her slipper.

Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## Mr. Peet

SENC said:


>


Thing was only 44 seconds long, is there a full version that I can share with my loving family?

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

SENC said:


> But, was the arm still attached after the 1.3 seconds?




*“Just a flesh wound.” – The Black Knight*


----------



## Mike Hill

12/22 Christmas Groaner

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

12/22 Christmas Funny - Hopefully

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

Another 12/22 Christmas Funny - Just had to!

Reactions: Funny 8


----------



## Mike1950

Ha

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 6


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 8


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## Mr. Peet

SENC said:


> View attachment 235217


Got nails long enough to mine.


----------



## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 3


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## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7 | Sincere 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 2 | Informative 1


----------



## eaglea1



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

12/23 Christmas groaner!

Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill

12/23 Christmas Funny -Hopefully!

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

Lil Mikey's new avatar!

Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## phinds



Reactions: Funny 7


----------



## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 5


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## phinds

An elderly lady has just finished discussing the arrangements for her late husband's funeral, and the director of the mortuary asks her if there's anything else they can do to honor the dearly departed, anything at all. She tells him, "Well, I hate to mention it. I chose that black suit because it was the most expensive one he had, but blue was really his color. I first met him in a blue suit, and he wore blue when we married. If you could buy him a really nice blue suit to be buried in, I'd appreciate it greatly. I know that's over and above what we discussed, so take this." She hands him a blank check and he tells her he'll do his best.

The next day the viewing starts and the elderly lady is very pleased to see her husband in a very stylish blue suit. She thanks the funeral director and compliments his choice. He assures her it was his pleasure, and then returns the blank check. The lady objects, saying, "But that's a really nice suit! Aren't you going out of pocket for it?"

"Madam, by a complete coincidence, another woman wanted her deceased husband buried in a black suit instead of a blue one. One of my assistants remarked on how both men were about the same size, so it was the easiest thing in the world to just swap their heads!"

Reactions: Funny 8 | Sincere 1


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## SENC

For @Kenbo

Reactions: Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


----------



## Kenbo

SENC said:


> For @Kenbo
> View attachment 235281


It's funny, because it's true.

Reactions: Like 2


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## Herb G.

True story. From the out of mouths of babes file:
The off center local news channel here interviewed a group of 5 year olds about Santa & his lists.
The last question was "What kind of sleigh does Santa drive?"
One little girl said "A Tesla."

I just about fell out of my chair from laughing so hard.

Reactions: Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

12/24 Christmas groaned

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1


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## Mike Hill

12/24 Christmas Funny - hopefully!

Reactions: Funny 4


----------



## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 5


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## Maverick

Wheeeeeeeeeeere‘s Rudolph

Reactions: Funny 3


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## SENC

Advice for my male WB friends, don't try this...

Reactions: Funny 3


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## Nature Man

SENC said:


> Advice for my male WB friends, don't try this...
> View attachment 235287


Would love to see her reaction!

Reactions: Agree 2


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## SENC

Nature Man said:


> Would love to see her reaction!


I'm betting that pipe ended up somewhere the sun doesn't usually shine.

Reactions: Agree 3


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## Mike Hill

SENC said:


> Advice for my male WB friends, don't try this...
> View attachment 235287


At least someone in this world cares enough about me to give me excellent advice. And that it comes from someone with an excellent first name also makes it all the more special! Goodfellas!!!

Reactions: Like 1


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## trc65

Maverick said:


> Wheeeeeeeeeeere‘s Rudolph
> 
> View attachment 235286


That took a couple minutes!!

Here's another one - how many reindeer are wearing poka dot scarves?


----------



## Maverick

trc65 said:


> Here's another one - how many reindeer are wearing poka dot scarves?


ooo, that was a tough one, I 'THINK' there are 13, but I could be wrong

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Nature Man

Maverick said:


> Wheeeeeeeeeeere‘s Rudolph
> 
> View attachment 235286


Finally found Rudolph! Really hard to find! Chuck


----------



## trc65

Maverick said:


> ooo, that was a tough one, I 'THINK' there are 13, but I could be wrong


I found more than that, I think  don't know how many there are though....


----------



## scootac

Maverick said:


> Wheeeeeeeeeeere‘s Rudolph
> 
> View attachment 235286


To the left of the one with the red bow tie.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Herb G.

Maverick said:


> Wheeeeeeeeeeere‘s Rudolph
> 
> View attachment 235286


Where the artist signed his name.

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Maverick

Herb G. said:


> Where the artist signed his name.


Good eye Herb, I didn't catch that.

Reactions: Thank You! 1


----------



## Mike Hill

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?

Merry Christmas, Eve!

Reactions: Funny 4 | Useful 1


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## phinds

During the middle ages, with the advent of large steel cannballs, two fortresses were fighting each other. The first one shot a cannonball then the second one shot a cannonball, then the first one shot a cannonball, then the fighting stopped. The second fortress sent a negotiator neutral ground to ask the first fortress, why have we stopped fighting? The first one answered, you have the cannonball.

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


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## Mike Hill

I feel like a combination of George Bailey, Ebenezer Scrooge, and the obnoxious know-it-all boy on Polar Express!

Reactions: Funny 2


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 7


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## Mike Hill

Real Rednecks eat quiche for Christmas Breakfast!!

Reactions: Like 2


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 3 | Way Cool 2


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## 2feathers Creative Making

Mike Hill said:


> Real Rednecks eat quiche for Christmas Breakfast!!
> 
> View attachment 235313


Whatcha talking bout? Real rednecks don't even know what that word means. They just have scrambled eggs with a bunch of other stuff in them

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

It is so totally fascinating to Lil Mikey! He can barely remember how to spell his name yet the violinist dude who played at the service this morning remembered all the notes in a song he played this morning and played them all in the correct order!!!!!!!!!

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill

I wanted a Red Ryder BB Gun but all i got was a Little Orphan Annie Secret Decoder Ring

Reactions: Funny 2 | Sincere 1


----------



## Mike Hill

Lil Mikey used to eat squirrels until he found out from Clark Griswold that they were high in cholesterol!

Reactions: Funny 4


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## Herb G.

Mike Hill said:


> I wanted a Red Ryder BB Gun but all i got was a Little Orphan Annie Secret Decoder Ring


I actually have a Red Ryder BB gun, but it doesn't have a thing in the stock that tells time.

Reactions: Like 1


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## SENC

Mike Hill said:


> Real Rednecks eat quiche for Christmas Breakfast!!
> 
> View attachment 235313


How very Nashville of you!

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

SENC said:


> How very Nashville of you!


Moi??


----------



## Maverick



Reactions: Like 3 | Funny 4


----------



## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Great Post 1 | Funny 8


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## Mike Hill

*ALERT!!
Only 364 shopping days till Christmas!*

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


----------



## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 4 | Funny 2


----------



## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 3


----------



## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 6


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 9


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## Maverick

Mike Hill said:


> I wanted a Red Ryder BB Gun but all i got was a Little Orphan Annie Secret Decoder Ring


lil Mikey, is that you @Mike Hill

Reactions: Funny 8 | Way Cool 1


----------



## DLJeffs

Ralphie didn't age too well did he.

Reactions: Agree 1


----------



## Mike Hill

AND he shot his eye out!

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 1


----------



## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 5


----------



## Nubsnstubs

........... Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 7


----------



## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

This is complete and total heresey! What about bacon!!!!!

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Herb G.

Mike Hill said:


> This is complete and total heresey! What about bacon!!!!!
> 
> 
> View attachment 235426


Ain't you ever seen chocolate covered bacon? I have.
I make grilled cheese & bacon sammys all the time.
Problem solved.

Reactions: Like 2 | Agree 1 | Creative 1


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## vegas urban lumber

Herb G. said:


> Ain't you ever seen chocolate covered bacon? I have.
> I make grilled cheese & bacon sammys all the time.
> Problem solved.


made my own chocolate covered bacon, it was delicious

Reactions: Like 1


----------



## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 8


----------



## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


----------



## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 3 | Great Post 1 | Funny 2 | +Karma 1 | Informative 1


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## Mike Hill

Yeh, yeh, yeh, I know the question that is on all y'all's minds - What happened to the first and the last ones.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 3


----------



## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Agree 5


----------



## SENC



Reactions: Like 4 | Agree 1 | Funny 2 | Informative 1


----------



## Herb G.

Due to supply chain issues, New Years will be delayed until March 23rd.

Reactions: Funny 10 | Informative 1


----------



## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 3 | Funny 2 | Sincere 1


----------



## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


----------



## phinds



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 5


----------



## phinds



Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 7


----------



## SENC

For those of you considering new choices in the new year...

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## Mr. Peet

phinds said:


> View attachment 235580


Looks like your porch Paul, but not you or the wife.


----------



## phinds

Mr. Peet said:


> Looks like your porch Paul, but not you or the wife.


Well, I don't drink beer and I'm well stocked up on bacon, so I'm staying inside.

BUT ... if I WERE out of bacon, well ...

Reactions: Agree 2


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## Maverick



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 3


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 5 | Funny 6


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## Nature Man

Maverick said:


> View attachment 235642


AMEN!!!!!


----------



## trc65



Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 8


----------



## Tom Smart

For @Wildthings

_The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin._ -- *Mark Twain*

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 6


----------



## Mike Hill

*Lil Mikey's 2023 New Years Resolution*

 * My 2023
 New Years Resolution
 is to finish all
 the wood projects
 from 2022
 that I should have
 completed in 2021
 since I started 
 them in 2020
 after buying the wood 
 for them in 2019
 and buying the tools
 for them in 2018!*

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 4 | Funny 3


----------



## SENC

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

ANGLE GRINDER :
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH :
Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER :
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE SPANNER:
aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

b%&d TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ' b%&d ' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Reactions: Like 3 | Agree 2 | Funny 4 | Informative 1


----------



## Nubsnstubs

................. Jerry (in Tucson)

Reactions: Funny 8


----------



## T. Ben

Nubsnstubs said:


> View attachment 235748
> 
> ................. Jerry (in Tucson)


canadian side????


----------



## Mike1950

:)

Reactions: Thank You! 1 | Funny 9


----------



## DLJeffs

Maverick said:


> View attachment 235642


I'd like to thank Texas for taking their share of Californians. Sincerely, Oregon

Reactions: Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


----------



## JonathanH

DLJeffs said:


> I'd like to thank Texas for taking their share of Californians. Sincerely, Oregon


Grrrrhhh!

There's so much more to say, but we'll keep it classy.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


----------



## Wildthings

Grrrrhhh

What he said ^^^^

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 1


----------



## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 5


----------



## GlynnC

SENC said:


> TOOLS EXPLAINED
> 
> DRILL PRESS :
> A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
> 
> WIRE WHEEL :
> Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
> 
> ANGLE GRINDER :
> A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
> 
> PLIERS :
> Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
> 
> BELT SANDER :
> An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
> 
> HACKSAW :
> One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
> 
> MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
> 
> OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH :
> Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
> 
> TABLE SAW :
> A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
> 
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
> Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
> 
> BAND SAW :
> A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
> 
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
> A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
> 
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
> Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
> 
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
> A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
> 
> PRY BAR :
> A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.
> 
> HOSE CUTTER :
> A tool used to make hoses too short.
> 
> HAMMER :
> Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
> 
> STANLEY KNIFE :
> Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
> 
> ADJUSTABLE SPANNER:
> aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
> 
> b%&d TOOL :
> Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ' b%&d ' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


Socket:
Sold as a set and advertised purpose is to remove nuts, but most often used to find the exact center of your car when dropped because of the built in ability to roll just out of reach.

Reactions: Agree 4 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 6


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## DLJeffs

Socket:
Sold as a set and advertised purpose is to remove nuts, but most often used to find the exact center of your car when dropped because of the built in ability to roll just out of reach. 

Also used to help you find stuff you forgot you had while you search for the one socket you need that for some reason is not in the box with the rest of the set. See also Allen wrench sets.

Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 6


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## SENC



Reactions: Funny 8 | Sincere 1


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## phinds

"Have a nice day" sounds friendly and cheerful but "Enjoy the next 24 hours" sounds vaguely sinister and threatening.

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 4 | Way Cool 1 | Useful 1


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## Mike Hill

What is this world coming to????

First you had to hide your toilet paper, then your copper, then your wood studs ---- and now your eggs and hens!!!

Reactions: Agree 1 | Funny 2


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 6 | Informative 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Agree 2 | Funny 5 | Way Cool 1


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## SENC

Maverick said:


> View attachment 235955


Does an even better job cleaning microwaves! Try it!

Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 2


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## scootac

Here's one of the biggest jokes of the day.









Wood Bunni Is Named World's No. 1 Ranked Woodworking Influencer


There are golf influencers. There are tennis influencers. Fitness influencers. Fishing influencers. Hunting influencers. It only makes sense that the




www.outkick.com





Easy to see her 'qualifications'.....

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 6


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## phinds



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 9


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## DLJeffs

scootac said:


> Here's one of the biggest jokes of the day.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Wood Bunni Is Named World's No. 1 Ranked Woodworking Influencer
> 
> 
> There are golf influencers. There are tennis influencers. Fitness influencers. Fishing influencers. Hunting influencers. It only makes sense that the
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.outkick.com
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Easy to see her 'qualifications'.....


because everyone knows a pink bikini shows all the sawdust and glue drips.

Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 2


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## Mike Hill

I want to congratulate him/her!! Had some nice pacifics last night.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Funny 3


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## Mike Hill



Reactions: Funny 8


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## SENC



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 10 | Useful 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Agree 3 | Funny 6


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 5 | Informative 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Funny 7 | Sincere 1


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## Maverick



Reactions: Like 1 | Funny 3


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## phinds

Maverick said:


> View attachment 236178


You're supposed to show it WITH the last piece of cake in it.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Maverick

phinds said:


> You're supposed to show it WITH the last piece of cake in it.


I had to hide the evidence....and it was tasty.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## phinds



Reactions: Great Post 1 | Funny 1


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## Mike Hill

*A photo of Lil Mikey



*


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